Top 10 Movies Ruined by a Female Presence

by Warren Cantrell on June 9, 2009

in Top 10s

The opinions of Top 10 Movies Ruined by a Female Presence author Warren J. Cantrell do not reflect the opinions of anyone at Scene-Stealers and it was not written by Eric Melin, despite was the posting above says. I just posted it is all. In fact, I like to think of Warren’s writing voice as a kind of parody-inspired Stephen Colbert, except more geared toward the Uber-male demographic. If you have a Top 10 list of your own you’d like to submit, send it to eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Warren:

Recently, I wrote a list recognizing the heavenly glory that encompasses Danny Glover’s piece de resistance: “Predator 2.” I noted in one of my proofs of its superiority to all other Predator films that what bolstered the movie’s stock was a conspicuous lack of important female characters. I cannot stress enough how important it is to cleanse films of all female influence when pushing for a balls-to-the-wall action kill-fest. Both history and current-events don’t lie: women aren’t nearly as gun-crazy or cinematically brutal as men. For this reason, the fairer sex should be left out of films that cater to this particular section of the movie-going public. Yes, dear friends, in these hard economic times, I fear we will see an ever-increasing tendency to cross-market, forcing the upcoming remakes of “Robocop” and “The A-Team” (yeah, you heard me) to cast female counterparts to draw in the precious 18-35 female demographic. Here’s a list about what could have been had the following films taken note of such brilliant contributions as the aforementioned “Predator 2,” “The Wild Bunch” (women in that film drop like flies), and “Lawrence of Arabia” (just try to find a female speaking role). You might argue (and quite correctly) that some of the following films were not necessarily made to be relentless butcher pics, yet can you imagine what would have happened if they’d have removed the women, and let the natural course of man take charge? I can…

mary mcdonnell independence day10. Independence Day (1996)

This one makes it onto the list, but just barely. “Independence Day” is a movie that’s so wholeheartedly awful that even if all female characters were (justifiably) removed from the screenplay, the movie would still struggle to keep itself afloat in the realm of watchable. But like many on this list, I ask you to look beyond what this film gave you, and peer into what might have been. So: Aliens invade Earth, Normandy-style, and it’s up to the air force to meet the threat in the skies above, fighting for what could be an entire third of the movie in a seemingly never-ending dogfight sequence (this aspect of the film was far too short). This is all aside from the fact that the movie completely neglected the possibilities afforded to a sub-plot/action sequence following the land invasion (which never happened)! Come on! That pretty much writes itself. Cast Denzel Washington as a ruthless Marine colonel leading his men to victory against an alien horde without air support for the first time in their history. Discard Jeff Goldblum’s and Bill Pullman’s romantic subplots, keep the story focused on the air, land, and space battles, and you’ve got a tidy, raucous 110 or so minutes of pure, undiluted action.

linda kozlowski crocodile dundee9. Crocodile Dundee (1986)

Who said this movie had to be a romantic comedy? The potential and ingredients are there, to be sure, so why was this so unrecognizably mangled? Well, check that, I think we all know why (immediate romantic interest insertion), but why did it have to happen this way? Couldn’t it have been a male reporter from New York who started going unnaturally tribal after a few weeks in the bush with Mick, killing poachers with massive fucking Outback knives in defense of the local aborigine broods? Why couldn’t that same reporter (male) have brought the hero back to New York, schooling Mick on the finer points of scoring coke and whores on the upper-east side at 3am? Why didn’t Dundee (Paul Hogan) and the appropriately masculine journalist fail to team up to fight crime and corruption in the Big Apple, double-wielding .45’s and Australian steel? Instead, we’re forced to endure seemingly endless hours of fish-out-of-water romantic fumblings, and a subway finale that could have improved dramatically if it took a page out of “Predator 2’”s playbook (who cares how the other-worldly creature makes it into the plot! Just work it out!).

sheedy ringwald breakfast club8. The Breakfast Club (1985)

Nothing calms a bunch of high-school boys down like some ass in the room. Well, wait…let’s expound. True, adding chicks to a situation is usually enough of a catalyst to get shit started between two or more dudes, yet if allowed to remain, women tend to take attention off the pursuits men follow when the opposite sex is absent–mainly, killing and otherwise fucking each other up. When you’re thinking about getting laid, you’re thinking less about how you are going to exact revenge on that dude for looking at you sideways for that one second a few minutes ago. Had Molly Ringwald and Ally Sheedy been introduced, then mercilessly withdrawn as contest-prizes to see which two of the three would henceforth be known as men, a tribal, “Lord of the Flies”-like death match might have ensued within detention (three boys enter, two men leave!). Instead we get a full-circle, introspective look at high-school culture and the awkward gap between adolescence and adulthood. Personally, I would have liked to see Anthony Michael Hall pull the upset on Judd Nelson, matching up with Emilio Estevez in a bare-knuckle brawl to see who walks away with the prom queen. John Hughes, wake the fuck up!

king kong beauties7. King Kong (1933/1975/2005)

In any incarnation, this is a dreadful disappointment. One simple question: do we really NEED a woman for all of this? Why can’t we just get lost, stumble onto an island, wander stupidly around, meet the giant ape-bastard, and let mayhem ensue? Why not bring him back to New York without some stupid, screaming broad, let the fuzzy asshole get loose, and allow him BOTH hands to climb and otherwise screw with the army/national guard? Seriously! What if Kong had that other fist to intercept incoming bogeys with anti-aircraft shit-fire? I’ll tell you what! The finale would have expanded at least another fifteen minutes, and the world would be a better place for it! This film is one of the earliest examples of a movie reaching beyond what was necessary in order to get women off the streets, and into the theater seats. Even though its has seen revision and reinvention over the years, it has sadly not rectified the original mistake.

dunst interview with the vampire6. Interview With a Vampire (1994)

While some on this list (current movie included) started their lives on paper rather than celluloid, the fact remains: any number of stories of a motley array of incarnations can quickly dissolve into shit when women are inserted into the plot. For example, this movie gets things going at a fairly brisk pace; we meet our protagonist, get some cool flashbacks about the origins of vampiredom, and immediately get into the day-to-day intricacies of “living” amongst the undead. Sure, the movie veered wildly off course by not going into further depth about how cool the life of an immortal could be (why no World War I or II scenes for fuck’s sake?), yet give credit where due: The movie takes a left turn off the shit-cliff only after Kirsten Dunst comes into the picture. Indeed, rather than explore the nuts and bolts of the vampire-community-at-large (cruelly hinted at yet, never adequately explored), we are given a female lead to derail what might have been a most superb vampire experience. So thank you, Kirsten, as well as the author of this craptastic nightmare (also a woman from what I hear), you took the guts out of a truly awesome idea, and stuffed it instead with tampons and lipstick: well done!

mary mcdonnell dances with wolves5. Dances With Wolves (1990)

This is the first Civil War entry on the list, but it won’t be the last, I assure you. That more movies do not harvest this seemingly endless crop of wickedly awesome possibilities is a friggin’ mystery to me. This film is off to a good, manly start, throwing the audience directly into the armpit of a Civil War field hospital right as the protagonist is about to get his goddamned leg hacked off. This is followed by an escape from the same hospital, an absurdly Herculean cavalry charge, and a recklessly unexplained descent into hostile Indian country. While slowing its roll a bit after this, one might still hold out hope for a blood-letting of Roman, maybe even Biblical proportions from such a start. That is until Stands With a Fist (Mary McDonnell) entered the film, and ruined everything that might have been. Sure enough, as soon as the hero catches sight of her, everything that was hard about the film dies (ironic, no?), and descends into a shadow of its former self. What if John Dunbar (Kevin Costner) instead joins the Sioux, goes completely native, begins overtaking Midwestern wagon trains having become irreversibly addicted to the thrill of the hunt, and carries scalps at his belt. I could keep going with ideas with the awesome premise I’ve provided, but we must save room for an even greater Civil War disgrace…

zellweger kidman cold mountain4. Cold Mountain (2003)

Another Civil War entry, yet slightly higher on the list because of the appalling waste of potential afforded to a film with twice the special effects capabilities as “Dances With Wolves.” The opening is rock solid, turning down the suck to almost inaudible levels with a fairly faithful re-creation of one of the most FUBAR military operations in recorded history. For the first fifteen or so minutes, we get cleanly shot 19th-century mayhem, watching with giddy terror as the director thrusts the audience into one of the most crucial moments during the siege of Petersburg and the Civil War at large. Then what? Flashbacks, introspective character development, personal transformations, and fucking Nicole Kidman and Renee Zellweger! I would even forgive (begrudgingly) a movie for moving its story away from all the awesome promise of a Civil War battle epic to explore the terrible underbelly of a homefront terrified into hostile submission. Yet even here, the movie can’t help but to drift back to its female subplots, even when focusing on a man who somehow can’t resist bringing some stupid woman to mind every five seconds.

superman bed lois lane3. Superman (1978)

In any version or sequel, this particular superhero immediately signs his nuts over to the bond company, never to see them again. While many of his contemporaries are victims of the same crime (Spider-Man, Hulk, and even Batman in some versions, to name a few), repeatedly ruining otherwise decent films with female diversions in an absurd attempt to pad ticket sales and/or create a false sense of urgency, I’ve come to expect more from the Man of Steel. This guy isn’t some human with a vigilante streak or even some bumbling virgin with new-found powers: he’s a fucking alien whose abilities practically make him God on Earth. This fact alone allows for practically endless action-sequence possibilities involving combines, nuclear warheads, and great white sharks. While given tastes at times, these scenes always come to the audience in measured doses, as if the producers are afraid too much of the good stuff will paralyze the public into a coma of suspended awesome-shock. I issue this challenge to Bryan Singer: Give me a Superman movie without Lois Lane, and in return I will guarantee ticket sales in excess of $90 million the opening weekend. Seriously, I will cover the difference if it doesn’t meet or surpass that: That’s how sure I am that subtracting Lois and replacing her with relentless action will work. Need ideas for the script to make this happen? Just give me a call, Bryan, we can work this all out.

padme and anakin frolic in the grass2. Every New Star Wars Film of the Last 10 Years

If I have to explain this to you, you shouldn’t even be reading this, you should be at a hardware store, buying the cheapest implements possible to castrate or otherwise sanitize yourself to keep from spreading your filth into the general population. True, Lucas and company didn’t exactly re-invent the cinematic wheel the first few times around, yet there was room to forgive since they were kind of making it up as they went along, inventing a new genre and franchise sub-division each step of the way. That Lucas fucked this up with all the money and optimism generated by the first three installments is and shall henceforth be listed in Webster’s under “Fuck-up.” True, Jar-Jar didn’t help, but that bastard was simply the cherry on top of an otherwise crapilicious shit sundae, begat in earnest by Natalie Portman. Again, though Hayden Christensen provided ample assistance, as did Jar-Jar before him, it was Portman and the relentless focus on a relationship nobody gave two shits about that drove this calamity into the side of the fucking mountain. That each film had a potent taste of awesome only made it worse, brief glimpses of Jedi duels and massive set-piece battles quickly brushed aside so that Anakin and Padme could stare longingly into each other’s eyes. Congrats, George, you’ve officially pissed your entire legacy down your leg. Where are you going to go? Disneyland? (My vote? Dr. Kevorkian’s trailer.)

romeo juliet dicaprio danes costume1. Romeo & Juliet (1968/1996)

A friend of mine once told me that this is also a book, but I’ll check into that later. I’ve seen a couple different versions of this movie, and each time I keep hoping that a forward-thinking director with an actual pair between his legs will get a hold of this script and do it right. Again, like so many films on this list, the opening hits with such promise! You feel almost doubly betrayed at the cinematic cock-tease, having to endure not only a piece-of-shit movie, but also the stinging loss of what might very well have been. Seriously, it takes this movie all of two minutes to introduce some toughs and immediately get them fighting with the other gang’s crew. No set up, no character development: just jawing and dudes from both sides ripping out iron and stabbing at each other for glory, honor, and bitten thumbs. We get to our main character eventually, and with no lack of glee as we hear he’s just broken up with his girlfriend, falsely enticing the audience into believing we’re about to enter a revenge-heavy therapy-kill-fest. But no–true to real life, the whiny bitch that is Romeo immediately gets on the rebound, and drop-kicks the movie into douche-baggery. Not even his friend getting shiv’d by the only badass in Verona (Tybalt is totally hard) is enough to get Romeo to come around for much more than an accidental cry-kill, which he immediately ruins by running off as opposed to setting the corpse of his fallen foe afire, and pissing defiantly on the ashes (he totally should have). Instead, Romeo and his ever-present jail-bait die together, yet somehow alone, deserving every inch of their tragic deaths in order to compensate for ruthlessly lame, uneventful lives.

“Obvious Child” is the debut novel of Warren Cantrell, a film and music critic based out of Seattle, Washington. Mr. Cantrell has covered the Sundance and Seattle International Film Festivals, and provides regular dispatches for Scene-Stealers and his own site, 10rant.com. Warren holds a B.A. and M.A. in History, and his hobbies include bourbon drinking, novel writing, and full-contact kickboxing. Mr. Cantrell is happily unmarried, and without any children, pets, or plants.

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{ 36 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Reed June 9, 2009 at 9:14 am

That’s a solid list, Warren, and definitely in a different direction than I anticipated upon reading its name. (I expected things like the Scottish chick in Caddyshack and the pseudo-French chick in Better Off Dead and Julia Roberts in every Julia Roberts movie.)

But there are some you forgot which should have at least been honorable mentions.
Casablanca (1942):
Do we really need Ilsa and her boring husband? And flashbacks of Paris? We should have been allowed to see Rick and Sam cruising around northern Africa, mowing down Nazis and wimpy French policemen with gatling guns and sticks of dynamite. As Sam vengefully riddles Peter Lorre’s corpse with the most excessive amount of bullets in film history, a chortling Rick calls out, “Play it again, Sam!”

Annie Hall (1977):
We’re really just here for the jokes and the ripping the state of California a new one, right? Instead of constantly lamenting his lovelife, we see Alvy Singer punching out arrogant jerks while waiting in line for the movies, causing a melee of epic proportions. He takes his aggression and disdain for authority figures to new heights by blowing up a local police station before hitting the road with maniacal laughter. An ugly showdown with cops somewhere in the Nevada desert ends as they say, “Give it up, Alvy! You’re surrounded. Turn yourself in and we’ll take you to a nice jail cell.” Gravely wounded, but still not finished with his rebellious violence, Singer retorts, “I don’t want to be in any club that’ll have me for a member! You’re all dead sharks!” before he detonates a humongous pile of C4, blowing up himself and everyone nearby.

Love Story (1970):
Oliver Barret IV shuns the playboy lifestyle that is his birthright, instead parlaying his hockey skills, aggressive nature, and legal expertise to become the NHL’s only practicing attorney. He takes the opportunity to become the most thuggish goon in league history, making Bob Probert and the Hanson brothers look like choirboys. But pleading his case to the refs repeatedly throughout every game keeps him on the ice way more than he deserves to be. Still, when caught he doesn’t exactly cry about it. After all, the penalty box means never having to say you’re sorry. You can come back in five minutes to kick some more ass!

The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004):
Jim Carrey needs to forget. Not a woman, mind you, but all the violent crime in his past. The slashings, the slaying, the de-limbing of his victims. That the police have not been able to catch him does nothing to absolve his guilty feelings. He just wants to move on. It all seems to center on a childhood obsession with the song “Clementine”, lamenting the lost daughter of a miner, the same song he would whistle as he hacked his victims to pieces. As his last memories fall away, he realizes his mistake – that he has the taste for blood and no amount of forgetting will quell his thirst for murder. After his memory is erased, the song is gone as well, but the bloodlust is a deeper part of him as he immediately takes the life of another victim in Montauk.

The Princess Bride (1987):
A simple farmboy named Westley is lost at sea, but goes on to become the Dread Pirate Roberts. He sails the high seas, raping, plundering and pillaging all comers. Upon returning to his homeland, he sees a dude with six fingers on his right hand. Completely creeped out by this discovery, he chops off the extra digit and feeds it to an ROUS, just to see what would happen. From there, he torches every hut, farmhouse and castle in the land. After his capture right honorable Prince Humperdink begs for his life, saying, “Please don’t leave me in the fireswamps!” The DPR reponds curtly, “As you wish” before beheading the prince and taking his crown. Also Andre the Giant mumbles unintelligibly throughout the picture, which is pretty much what we came for in the first place.

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2 Eric Melin June 9, 2009 at 11:20 am

Wow. That was amazing, Reed. A Top 5 list to complement the Top 10. In the spirit of completely missing the point of all movies involved (like Warren’s list), I would say “great success”!

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3 Clark June 9, 2009 at 12:10 pm

I liked the idea for Casablanca and Eternal Sunshine.
Anyway, this list was very funny – in an awkward way.

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4 Will June 9, 2009 at 2:27 pm

Thinking about your list more, I’ve come to a film that is one of my all time favorites: Slap Shot. Seriously, if they would have taken out all that sub-plot’s about Paul Newman and his Wife and Michael Ontkean (you may know him as “Sheriff Harry S. Truman” from “Twin Peaks”) and his Wife, then there would have been more bone crushing hockey action with the Hanson Brothers! But alas, it was not to be…..the same goes for the new Mummy Series.

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5 Megan June 9, 2009 at 2:36 pm

Great list, and I agree with all of them.

Another movie I thought was ruined was “Basic”, because the female interrogator was just abysmal!
And I thought the “Painted Veil” could have been a better movie without Naomi Watts…then again, I personally think most movies could be better without her ruining them.

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6 Erica June 9, 2009 at 4:26 pm

How do you take Juliet out of Romeo and Juliet or the BRIDE out of The Princess Bride? I think both of you are ridiculous. You cannot take the female lead out of classic romantic love stories! Unless you all are wanting some guy on guy action…maybe things are getting steamy down under.

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7 Eric October 25, 2013 at 11:38 pm

Lol i thought the same mary mcdonnell made me want to rewatch dances with wolves.. Its stupid how can u take juliet out?

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8 Matthew June 9, 2009 at 7:53 pm

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Just sayin’.

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9 Eric Collins June 9, 2009 at 10:48 pm

Thelma & Louise – so much quicker if you skip the scenes with women in them. Sleepless in Seattle – after weeks of sleep deparvation the guy leaps off the Empire State Building after crying over the Dirty Dozen. And I thought the Predator 2 list was absurd.

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10 DLC June 10, 2009 at 11:07 am

Speaking of Temple of Doom, it’s far more common (and annoying) for children to ruin movies.

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11 Megan M June 10, 2009 at 12:46 pm

It is interesting that it is stated that, “women aren’t nearly as gun-crazy or cinematically brutal as men”. Perhaps what really needs to be done is show women this list. I am sure that then you would see some true brutality like you never have before.

If you really want to point out a problem with these movies perhaps you should blame the men who are in love with the women in these movies. Also, for the most part, men wrote these movies so they are to blame for not making them “manly enough”. In the end, women are put into movies not for other women but for guys. I know that when I go to a movie I’m not looking for that chick but waiting for the hot male lead to take his shirt off.

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12 Noah June 10, 2009 at 10:41 pm

crapilicious shit sundae=classic

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13 Kenny June 11, 2009 at 2:27 pm

Take out the females in any Indiana Jones and it would take the franchise into even higher levels of grandeur! Seriously there would be more artifact finding, Nazi killing, and more pulling out of hearts! Need I say, AWESOME!

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14 Voilodion June 12, 2009 at 8:36 pm

Oh God…you forgot Tim Burton’s “Batman” (1989)! I mean, not many people came to that film to admire Kim Bassinger’s performance, especially not while Michael Keaton and Jack Nicholson are having at it.

Arguably the latter “Rambo” films don’t exactly need female presence (the “tough Vietnamese girl” in the 2nd film felt really tacked on).

Yes, the forcing of female characters into films which are not designed to accomodate them is a true annoyance. I heard that Del Toro once wrote a script for a film version of H.P. Lovecraft’s “Mountains of Madness”, which was rejected by the studios because he refused to insert a “romantic subplot”. Come on…H.P. Lovecraft’s stories are NOT exactly the place for sentimental romantic subplots!! Actually, neither are Robert E. Howard’s tales for that matter…come to think of it, that’s why the 1981 “Conan the Barbarian” film was such a disappointment. In the books, Conan is a no-nonsense, super-smart, super-aggressive ruffian who doesn’t take shit from man or woman. In the film, Conan is a near-mute, oversized kid who spends way too much time obsessed with his and being rescued by his girlfriend. Sure Conan had a few significant romances in some of the stories, but they were only AFTER he had established himself as a badass. In the film, he barely has any time to develop before he jumps in bed with the “love of his life”. Falling in love is not what I would really call “barbaric”.

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15 Reed June 14, 2009 at 12:27 pm

Voilodion, I see your point about the Howard version of Conan, but he wasn’t exactly John Cusack in the movie. In fact, he only says two complete sentences to her: “You’re no guard” and “No.” She asks him to stay with her and build a happy home and he basically tells her to go screw and leaves in the middle of the night. She’s head over heels in love with him, but it’s pretty clear that he’s not the same.

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16 voilodion June 17, 2009 at 7:43 pm

Yeah Reed, I was exaggerating a bit. Really its not Valeria’s fault that the Conan in the film is kind of an overgrown, lumbering, half-mute “kid” who seduces gay priests and punches camels like Mongo from “Blazing Saddles”…that’s just the way Milius and company decided to write the character. Like I said, the problem is the character already has so few defining characteristics (aside from the muscles) at the beginning of the story, that it makes little sense to throw his eternal lover into the story before he even has a chance to grow up yet. I mean…she just overshadows him in so many ways (a better fighter, a better talker, more experienced thief, etc.). It begs the question: WHAT does she see in that guy in the first place?

You’re absolutely right though in that he does dump her for the sake of seeking out his own vengeance. That is a significant action that shows him as less dependent than I remembered and implies that he does have a strong goal that fuels him in life (despite the previous scene showing him drunk off his rocker).

Anyway, still a fun movie. I just think it would make more sense (and would please more Howard fans) if they had concentrated more soley on Conan undergoing the uber-macho transformation into a “barbarian” and reserved Valeria for a sequel. Let’s hope the next Conan flick does give Conan his much-deserved presence

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17 Dom June 19, 2009 at 4:23 am

King Kong, Breakfast Club and Crocodile Dunee!! Perhaps the acting itself was bad or an annoying character even but to say that the general loss of the female character/s would make the movie better is terrible.. i’m thinking there’s a sexist approach to this article as each of the movies i stated above would be nothing without the female character in which mostle create half or more of the drama.
Even Natalie Portman wasn’t that bad herself, i would souly blame Hayden Christensen for the lack of spark in the relationship!
And to say that ‘Romeo and Juliet’ without Juliet would work better is just ridiculous and a waste of time to complain about… even in Baz’s adaption i thought the performance itself was quite good anyhow.

I think you should really rethink this article and perhaps make your judgements more on acting and the character itself rather than the generalisation that the women ruins the movie.

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18 Sara June 24, 2009 at 10:57 pm

I’m not sure if you were trying to sound like a complete jackas* but you do.

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19 essiejayo July 11, 2009 at 11:51 am

don’t let’s stuff YOU with tampons and lipstick!! way to make me cackle like a dirty witch. i wanna see top ten ruined by the penis bearing gender.

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20 Will July 16, 2009 at 1:48 pm

Acutally, Romeo & Juliet was a play, not a book….and Titianic is another good edition to the list!

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21 sannity July 23, 2009 at 8:24 pm

Apparently you guys have not been laid…ever. Show this to your girlfriends (though I doubt you have any) and ask what they think about your sexist nonsense. If you haven’t turned gay already I suggest you do because there is really no hope for you in the future.

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22 skyeinthpie July 24, 2009 at 12:44 pm

I would highly recommend Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen. It is nothing but one gigantic spectacle of crashing metal and characters running from explosions in slow motion, interrupted every now and then by moments to jack off to, provided by the Playboylicious herione; don’t worry, she makes almost no contributions to the plot except to be eye candy for the male viewers.

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23 Eric Melin July 24, 2009 at 3:56 pm

sannity- Please read the VERY FIRST paragraph of this post again. Thank you.

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24 sally August 10, 2009 at 3:55 pm

ok. you guys. clearly you just don’t hold with any romantic bullshit, which i can understand, but instead of making a list of perfectly fine movies that have a romantic story AS PART OF THE PLOT, why don’t you just go watch fight club? there’s some manly shit for you.

and really, i just gotta say, what would casablanca be without our female lead? leave the classics alone.

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25 Eric Melin August 11, 2009 at 9:11 am

sally- ditto about reading the 1st paragraph. It’s a joke. And neither J.D. nor myself wrote it.

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26 Courtney November 4, 2009 at 10:07 am

Just stumbled onto the list and I think it’s funny. Also have a suggestion: the Spiderman movies. I’m a girl, and even I hated Mary Jane!

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27 I Am The Dominant Hip Hip Hoorayer November 20, 2009 at 6:38 am

YOU PEOPLE ARE IDIOTS.

First of all, alot of those movies DO have romance in the plot itself. Without the romance, the movies turn into FREAKING MINDLESS VIOLENCE. WHERE’S THE SOTRYLINE IN THAT?!?! Clearly none of you have ANY appreciation in the art of storytelling.

I admit, some romantic scenes in movies can make the plot predictable, but is that seriously the woman’s fault????Have you ever actually watched “Interview With The Vampire” or read it???? Louis is a total whiny pathetic WIMP who does NOTHING. CLAUDIA, THE GIRL, IS THE ONE WHO KILLS LESTAT AND DOES ALL THE BLOODSHEDDING! IF SHE WEREN’T IN THE STORY, IT WOULD BE NOTHING BUT LESTAT BOSSING LOUIS AROUND CALLING HIM A COWARD WHILST LOUIS CRIES HIS WIMPY TEARS OUT. And what about Alien 3? The girl there is a hard-core buzz cut woman who kills aliens with guns and bombs and dives into a lake of molten lava while all the men around her scream for help? WHO’S THE FAIR, NON-GUN BASHING ONES NOW????

So really, if you cant respect the stories for what they are, blame it on the superficial men who bother saving hot women cos of their bod. It’s not the woman’s fault that they happen to get mixed up in the man’s buisness. Maybe men shuld just pick girls who aren’t such hopeless sluts as the heroine. Jeesh.

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28 voilodion November 20, 2009 at 3:16 pm

I Am The Dominant Hip Hip Hoorayer…CALM DOWN! If you haven’t figured it out yet, this whole list is written in a tongue-in-cheek manner. You’re not supposed to take it seriously!

Also, you’re wrong about the “storytelling needing romance” hypothesis. There are a lot of classic stories with very few female characters which are still being discussed to this day.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Everyman_(play)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beowulf
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Song_of_roland
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Book_of_Job

John Carpenter’s “The Thing” is a movie without any female characters and few people bash that for being a “mindless” flick. In fact, many people now consider it to be a classic sci-fi film.

http://outpost31.com/media/All_About_The_Thing.pdf

How about “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly”? Not much romance in that film, yet it’s considered one of the greatest westerns ever made.

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29 Ky December 20, 2009 at 9:09 pm

You do realize i hope you come across as a moron on half of these. Yeah the action flicks don’t neceserily need chicks but some of the other ones, interview with a vamipire, princess bride, casablanca, they wouldn’t be a movie with out the female. Thats the whole reason the males did what they did. Duh Besides, in interview with a vampire, claudia is more interesting because she’s not supposed to even exist

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30 Currently Banging My Head Against The Desk In Frustration May 3, 2010 at 6:30 pm

Let’s stop casting women in roles altogether then. And while we’re at it, they shouldn’t be voting, either.

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31 Nate June 5, 2010 at 11:06 pm

This is about as sexist as you can get. Seriously, whoever made this had a lot of time on his hands, and must be a high school dropout. Romeo and Juliet was a play, and if you haven’t read it, it must be because you were off watching some violent movie with an all male cast and too much action(both kinds). You can’t make a movie just called Romeo, or take Padme out of Star Wars; George Lucas put her in because it was important to the plot. The original Star Wars probably had half the action as the latest trilogy. Overall, disappointed in this guy, he probably has no girlfriends, no sisters, and his Mother died from his childberth for him to have this much sexism. The first paragraph basically states he’s a madman.

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32 MandalorianChick November 18, 2010 at 11:19 pm

Obviously, you are completely unaware of the lack of female presence in most films. I *strongly* suggest that you look up the Bechdel test and that you do not let any woman you respect (if you are indeed capable of such a thing) read this ridiculous piece of garbage which you allowed to be published under your name.

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33 Joe December 22, 2010 at 1:06 pm

What would Romeo & Juilet be with Juilet? Romeo? :S:S:S Seriously, even a man knows this a pretty sexist list.

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34 James January 22, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Worst movie ever because of the chick element: Pearl Harbour!
Could have been a good movie otherwise.
Lets not forget the movies that needed a chick: Basic Instinct, 9 1/2 weeks

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35 Heather February 22, 2011 at 10:28 am

Movies that shouldn’t have included women and didn’t

1) Master and Commander: Bettany, Crowe and the British Navy during the Napoleonic Wars. Somebody briefly had the notion having Keira Knightley as love interest. Thankfully, it was soon forgotten

2) Lawrence of Arabia: Considering the real Lawrence was sexually uninterested in women and all the Arabian women would have been under purdah anyway, even famous womanizer Sam Spiegel couldn’t justify a female character in this great film

3) Bridge on the River Kwai: Japanese Prison Camp, William Holden, Sessue Hayakawa, and Alec Guinness. No women for miles and miles. Some brief scenes with some native women helping out Allied soldiers in Bridge-blowing-up but nothing gratuitous or distracting

4) The Great Escape: Steve McQueen, James Garner, and Richard Attenborough. Guys building tunnels to freedom in German POW camp. Great drama, no women.

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36 Watcher March 28, 2011 at 10:36 am

If the movie doesn’t have the word ‘Lesbian’ or ‘Nympho’ in the title then the inclusion of females in it is a total fucking waste of time.

Unless of course it’s the hero’s bitch who gets murdered in the first five minutes granting him 90 minutes of gratuitous weapontastic revenge fest.

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