This list comes to us from Sean O’Connell, a New York City-based writer who has also contributed Top 10 Worst Movie Husbands, Top 10 Movie Rain Scenes and  Top 10 Movie Brothers to Scene-Stealers. Now he’s got a great list of awful movie neighbors for us. If you have a Top 10 you’d like to contribute, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Sean:

I would have to say I probably live on the greatest block ever. It has the ultimate small town feel to it, and what makes this possible is great neighbors. The neighbors I have are amazing because you can borrow a hammer from them and they can borrow a cup of milk from you. Every morning when you wake up there is a smiling face to great you as you head off to work and summers are filled with backyard BBQs. Unfortunately though for every two great neighbors you have, there are always the bad ones that pop up. In my case, they live across the street. Every morning the screaming and yelling wakes me up like an alarm clock, their dog craps in my yard, and they steal my kid’s toys from the front of my house when I am not looking. The police make more visits to their house than the mailman does. Needless to say, they drive me crazy and I always complain to my aunt (who also lives on the same block) about it all the time. She said to me the other day, “Sean, aren’t there a lot of bad neighbors portrayed in the movies?” This got me thinking … Yes. there have been a fair share of bad neighbors over the years on the silver screen. I have to offer my apologies to Ben Tuthill, the neighbor from “Poltergeist,” who just missed the cut. Why wouldn’t he just let the Freelings watch the football game? Thank you to my Aunt Denise and my annoying neighbors for giving me the inspiration to write the Top 10 Worst Movie Neighbors of all time.

10. Sid Phillips - Toy Story (1995)

Being a bad neighbor doesn’t just apply to those who are annoying to humans. The villain in this Pixar classic is a 10-year-old boy Sid (Eric Von Detton). While he never seems to bother Andy or his family at any point, he does terrorize toys. This is something that Woody (Tom Hanks) is constantly vigilant against. All of Andy’s toys are aware of this vicious neighbor who was kicked out of summer camp, as Rex tells Buzz (Tim Allen) “He tortures toys just for fun!” It seems that a dog accompanies most bad neighbors, and the furry pest in this case is Scud. He is known to eat toys on command from his leader. The whole second half of the movie deals with heroes Woody and Buzz trying to escape from Sid’s house of horrors. Sid gets his in the end as the toys come to life in his backyard moments before he launches Buzz into space on a rocket. I often wondered what happened to Sid after that, I mean that kid had to be in therapy for years. I’m still creeped out by Woody saying “We toys can see EVERYTHING!, so play nice!”

9. The Bumpuses – A Christmas Story (1983)

Like I wrote in the previous entry, bad neighbors usually come with dogs, and nothing is truer of the Parkers’ hillbilly neighbors the Bumpuses. They actually owned 785 smelly hound dogs that apparently ignored every other human being on earth other than Mr. Parker (Darren McGavin). They attack the poor man every day when he comes home from work. Where are these damn hillbillies anyway? Do they really not care that their awful dogs are physically assaulting another person? The worst comes on Christmas morning as the dogs come crashing in at just the mere smell of turkey. So basically you can’t have a decent meal with your family if you live next door to these fools because their dogs will literally crash the party. The only good thing that came out of this disaster was that the Parkers were introduced to Chinese turkey. I really have to give Mr. Parker credit on the way he dealt with his neighbors. He never confronted them or called the cops. He just yelled, “Son of bitches! Bumpuses!” and close the door on one of the dog’s ears. If those dogs had attacked me, destroyed my house and the Bumpuses made no attempt to fix it, well I would have grabbed Ralphie’s Red Rider BB gun and started picking off the smelly hounds one by one.

8. The Griswolds – National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989)

The third entry on the list, and second Christmas movie, was a hard one for me to put down. Mainly because I love the Griswolds and they may be one of my favorite movie families of all time. I just asked myself one question to prove a point to myself: Would I want to live next to them? The answer was no. Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase) is so obsessed with the holidays that he puts just about every Christmas light in the state of Illinois on his house. When he has his grand unveiling he blinds his yuppie neighbors, Todd and Margo Chester (Nicholas Guest and Julia Louis-Dreyfus). Then the Griswolds invite all their extended family members over for the holiday, Cousin Eddie (Randy Quaid) and his Winnebago full of trashy family members and Snots the Dog tag along. So the Chesters are forced to see Cousin Eddie empty his toilet into the sewer system. I know we only see Clark viewing, but I am sure they saw it as well. Would you like to wake up to that sight? The Chesters house is also destroyed when Clark cuts down his Christmas tree, and he shoots icicles from his gutters into their living room window. Then the ultimate catastrophe happens to the Chesters after Christmas is interrupted by a crazed squirrel who is chased by Snots the dog. The squirrel and Snots attack poor Margo, who was finally going to stand up to the Griswolds.

7. Cheech & Chong – Cheech & Chong’s Next Movie (1980)

I have to start by saying that Mr. Neatnik (Sy Kramer) should have realized that living next to Cheech (Cheech Marin) and Chong (Thomas Chong) was going to be a lost cause. The state of the house rivaled the the “Animal House” Delta House. It was covered with dirt and had boarded up windows. As if that wasn’t bad enough, Chong decides that he needs to play his guitar so loud that it actually creates noise pollution and breaks the windows of Mr. Neatnik’s house as he tries to give piano lessons. Then Cheech and Chong decide to borrow Mr. Neatnik’s car without asking, of course. When they run out of gas they fill it up with gasoline from a trashcan. This leads to the blowing up of Mr. Neatnik’s car. Cheech and Chong do what any bad neighbor would do, return the car as if nothing happened. When Mr. Neatnik does stand up for himself he just gets ignored for his efforts. Oh yeah, Cheech also mistakenly pees on his head.

6. Vic & Ramona – Neighbors (1981)

It seems like the 80s were filled with movies that dealt with bad neighbors. In this case, we are dealing with Vic (Dan Aykroyd) and Ramona (Cathy Moriarty) who move in to their house in the middle of the night next to Earl and Enid Keese (John Belushi & Kathryn Walker). Vic is constant liar, which is proven by his story of his home made sauce (which comes from a jar) and the spaghetti that he bought from a fancy Italian restaurant called Ceasar’s Garlic Wars, which is a small spaghetti and wine dealership at Valley Field Mall on Route 3, next to the Cinema Cineplex and the Singer Sewing Center. The restaurant doesn’t exist and Vic made the spaghetti himself. Then Vic decides to eat Earl’s daughter’s edible panties, which leads to Earl punching out Vic. Ramona, on the other hand, is constantly trying to seduce Earl–and when she finally does succeed, she blackmails him. At one point when Earl sneaks out to meet Ramona, Vic is waiting on the roof of his car wearing scuba gear. These particular neighbors turn poor suburbanite Earl’s life upside down. His own family starts to side with Vic and Ramona over him. When Earl finally decides to get revenge on Vic by driving his car into the swamp, it backfires. Vic tells him that their baby is in the truck. It turns out that baby is the dog (see what I mean about bad neighbors and their dogs) and he is not in the truck. I never really understood the end of the movie. SPOILER: Why does Earl decide to destroy his house and run away with these wackos? I guess he thought that they were such bad neighbors that he would spend the rest of his life with them. An interesting bit of trivia, Belushi was originally supposed to portray Vic and Aykroyd was to be Earl. They decided to switch weeks before filming and act against type.

5. Jerry Dandridge – Fright Night (1985)

As Cliff Clavin would say, “Another 80’s movie, another bad neighbor. What’s up with that?” The culprit this time is Jerry Dandridge (Chris Sarandon), just your typical run of the mill vampire that feasts on prostitutes. Dandridge moves in to his house in the middle of the night next door to the Brewsters with the help of what appears to be his live-in male companion, Billy Cole. Charley Brewster (William Ragsdale) one day just happens to be looking out his window, instead of at his half-naked girlfriend Amy (Amanda Bearse), and sees Dandridge sucking blood from a lady of the night. Of course Charley does not have sex with Amy, rather he becomes obsessed with the fact that there is a vampire living next door. His mom decides to invite Dandridge over for dinner, mainly because she has the hots for him. This act has now broken rule #32 on the list of Vampire Don’ts: Don’t invite a vampire into your house because now he can come over when ever he wants. The fact that he would come over now whenever he wants without asking by itself makes for a bad neighbor, regardless of the fact he is a vampire. Anyway, Dandrige does pop in at the Brewsters’ house, wrecks Charley’s room, and threatens to kill him. Then he goes outside and crashes Charley’s car. He turns Charley’s friend Evil Ed Thompson into a vampire and steals Amy away, and turns her into a vampire. SPOILER: Charley does get the last laugh as he and the Great Vampire Killer Peter Vincent (Roddy McDowell) kill Mr. Jerry Dandridge and save Amy. Although personally I would have let her die as well because she was annoying and would only grow up to become Marcie Rhodes from “Married with Children.”

4. The Langs – Arlington Road (1999)

Michael Faraday (Jeff Bridges) is just a normal college history professor who teaches a class on terrorism at George Washington University. He is a widow (his FBI agent wife died in an explosion) and raises his nine year old son Grant. He has a new girlfriend Brooke (Hope Davis) and everything seems to be finally getting back to normal for Michael. Then one day the new neighbor’s kid is injured in a reported fireworks accident. Michael rushes him to the emergency room, which sets up his first encounter with his new neighbors Oliver (Tim Robbins) & Cheryl (Joan Cusack). Michael slowly starts to suspect his neighbors of being terrorists. Haven’t we all thought that about our neighbors from time to time? Nobody believes him and they think that he is paranoid. His girlfriend Brooke decides one day to trail Oliver’s car and witnesses a suspicious package delivery in a garage. Brooke calls Michael & tells him she finally believes him, only to turn around and see Cheryl standing there. Brooke is found dead and the messages she left for Michael are erased. Then the Langs kidnap Grant, under the guise of a Scout camping trip. Once again, don’t all neighbors kidnap their kids? Is that wrong? Michael rents a car and follows a van that he believes his son is being held captive in. SPOILER: The van eventually reaches FBI headquarters and Michael rips open the back door of the van to find not his son but a bomb. There is an explosion and Michael, along with 184 people, are killed. Grant is sent to live with relatives, Michael is villified in the press as a terrorist, and the Langs get away. They staked Michael out from the beginning just to set him up as the fall guy and–oh yeah–kill his girlfriend and forever ruin the image of him in his son’s eyes. They rightfully deserve the number-four spot.

3. Lars Thorwald – Rear Window (1954)

This was another tough one for me as well, mainly because I really don’t know who the bad neighbor is. L. B. “Jeff” Jeffries (Jimmy Stewart) is a photographer who is recovering from a broken leg. He is confined to his apartment in a wheelchair and is slowly going crazy from the boredom. So instead of spending time with his amazingly beautiful girlfriend Lisa (Grace Kelly), he decides to pass the hours by spying on his neighbors through the lens of his camera. Really Jeff? Grace Kelly worships the ground you walk (I mean roll) on and you would rather look at lonely women, a songwriter, some married couples, and a salesman? If it weren’t for Lars Thorwald (Raymond Burr) the salesman, it would be Jeff’s name on this list. It turns out Lars lives with his bedridden wife who one day just magically disappears. Jeff sees Lars cleaning a knife and a handsaw, tying a large packing crate with heavy rope, making late-night trips carrying a large case. Jeff is convinced that Lars killed his wife and being the good brave boyfriend that he is, he sends Lisa over there with a note saying “What have you done with her?” (SPOILER) A neighbor’s dog starts poking around in the garden where the wife’s body may or may not be buried, So Lars decides to break the dog’s neck. Lars catches Lisa in his apartment, attempts to rough her up, but the police arrive just in time. Lars looks across the courtyard to realize that Jeff is the one sending notes and calling the police. Lars breaks in to Jeff’s apartment and throws him out the window. Good thing their was a group of cops standing there to break his fall. So Lars just ekes out Jeff as the bad neighbor because he killed his wife, then a dog, tried to beat up Grace Kelly, and threw an invalid out the window. Way to go, Lars!

2. Ray Peterson, Mark Rumsfield, Art Weingartner, Ricky Butler, and the Klopeks – The ‘Burbs (1989)

This movie is a cinematic study the behavior of bad neighbors. I had to include everyone on this list because they all have their own awful moments; there is no neighborly love here. It turns out one day the Klopeks just arrive on this somewhat peaceful street in the on Mayfield Place in suburban Hinckley Hills, Iowa. No one ever sees a moving truck and the Klopeks keep to themselves. Ray Peterson (Tom Hanks) is a stressed out husband and father who decides he needs to have a stay-cation (that’s a vacation at home). He is being constantly badgered by his annoying neighbors Art Weingartner (Rick Ducommun), Mark Rumsfield (Bruce Dern), and teenager Ricky Butler (Corey Feldman). Art and Mark believe the Klopeks to be mass murders because they are so reclusive. The only time anyone sees them is at night digging in their backyard. Then the old man up the block, Walter Seznick, disappears one day leaving behind only his toupee and his dog, Queenie. Art is convinced that an old man would never leave his toupee behind and is convinced the Klopeks killed him. Then Ray’s dog digs up a human femur bone in the backyard, which they start to believe belongs to Walt. Ray is finally convinced that they should break in to Klopeks’ house and search for the dead bodies. Throughout the movie each neighbor does awful things like dumping garbage in the street, shorting out the electrical lines, throwing loud parties with obnoxious friends, breaking and entering, destruction of property, shooting off live ammunition, and of course (SPOILER) accidentally breaking the gas line in the Klopeks’ house and blowing it up. At the end of the movie, it starts to look like the Klopeks are innocent. Walter had a heart attack and moved in with family. The Klopeks were taking in his mail and that is why they had his toupee. The police arrive with the Klopeks and want to arrest Ray. Ray then flips out on Art screaming “We’re the lunatics, not them!” So as Ray is being taken to the hospital for fire burns, Dr. Klopek (Henry Gibson) pays a visit to him in the ambulance. It seems the doctor believes that Ray saw the skull of the former owner of the house in the furnace. A fight ensues as Dr. Klopek attempts to kill Ray. The Klopeks steal the ambulance and try to drive away. They fail and crash into their own car. The trunk pops open to reveal a collection of bones, proving that the Klopeks were mass murders all along. That has to be the worst street ever.

1. Minnie & Roman Castevet – Rosemary’s Baby (1968)

To me, this one just seemed like a no-brainer. Rosemary Woodhouse (Mia Farrow) is a young wife who just moved into a beautiful New York City apartment building called the Bramford with her struggling actor husband Guy (John Cassavetes). The Bramford is known for some weird events and bizarre tenants over the years. Rosemary’s neighbors are a seemingly harmless old couple named Minnie (Ruth Gordon) and Roman Castevet (Sidney Blackmer). It turns out that this elderly couple is not harmless at all, rather, they are devil worshipers and part of a coven. They have a master plan to bring the son of Satan to life by mating the devil and an unsuspecting spouse. Their first choice takes a header off the building, which leaves them to turn to Rosemary. The Castevets spend a lot of time with Guy, convincing him his career will take off if he agrees to give up his first born. SPOILER: The great husband that he is (by the way, you should see my Top 10 list on bad movie husbands), he agrees to let Satan rape his wife. Minnie makes a chocolate mousse for the Woodhouses to eat on the night they decide to conceive a baby. Rosemary finds that the mousse has a chalky under taste and throws it away after a few bites. Minnie had actually drugged Rosemary in order to carry out her master plan. Rosemary does get impregnated and is talked out of seeing her obstetrician to see Dr. Saperstein instead, who turns out (you guessed it) to be part of the coven. Rosemary is having a difficult pregnancy, and wouldn’t you if you were carrying the spawn of Satan? Rosemary eventually discovers that her neighbors are part of a cult and that Roman is the son of a famed Satan worshiper. The Castevets decide to induce labor, and convince Rosemary the baby died upon delivery. She hears the cries of a baby from her room and follows the sounds. They eventually lead her to the coven and Minnie convinces her to be the mother of the son of Satan. If you ask me, I would take my whacked-out neighbors over Minnie any day and I will never accept chocolate mousse from a neighbor again. Ruth Gordon (”Harold and Maude”) received a well deserved Best Supporting Actress Award for her turn as Minnie.

Tags: bad, film, list, neighbors, nosy, ten, top, Top 10 Lists, Top 10 worst movie neighbors, Worst

Today’s Top 10 comes from Cameron Hawk, who previously submitted the excellent list Top 10 Uses of Pop Songs in Movies. If you have a list you’d like to contribute, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Cameron:

Dating—what a weird, mammalian concept. A lot of movies deal with the peaks and pitfalls of the practice because it is something everyone can instantly relate with. Usually, the high and low points are so  heartwarming or so awkward that they stay with us our whole lives. This list compiles what I believe to be scenes that present the dating ritual unapologetically, in all its naturally imperfect glory.

10. The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005)

Steve Carell’s portrayal of the unexplainably celibate Andy is still my favorite performance of his. Andy’s personality is layered, complex, and at times strange, but never is it not apparent to us that he is a good soul. It might be harder for other characters to see, as they don’t have the direct access to his head that we do. This is what makes the film such a great study in humanity, and why people do the things they do or act the way they act. So obviously, in a film like this, the date scenes are going to be stellar. There are several memorable ones. However, the scene in which Andy finds out the hard way that he has never learned how to put on a condom has got to be the best of the bunch. After an amazing date with Trish (Catherine Keener), the two are feeling very comfortable with each other, and eventually the moment arrives. Right away, we can see in Andy’s eyes that this is the closest he has ever been to “the real thing”. He wants it to happen—it’s the right person, the right time, and she has plenty of protection. Unfortunately, Andy’s inability to properly apply a rubber soon leads to a large pile of unusable ones by the door, which are mistaken for already-used ones by Trish’s daughter Marla (Kat Dennings) when she and her boyfriend burst into the room. Right away, Marla assumes Andy is a sex fiend and that they have been having sex repeatedly throughout the evening. She couldn’t be more wrong, and these innocent misunderstandings make up the heart of the film, if not the heart of humanity itself.

Marla’s Boyfriend: Dude—teach me.

9. Elizabethtown (2005)

The many outspoken detractors of “Elizabethtown” will first wonder why this movie is getting any kind of recognition on any kind of list anywhere—you all can just sit off to the side for now, or maybe head over to the TV room and pop in “Elizabethtown” again. When you watch it this time, try not to expect another “Almost Famous.” For that matter, try not to expect anything. For those of you who liked the film, or at least those of you who can muster a conversation about it without bursting out into random fits of cursing and self-mutilation, I am here to argue something—the scene with Kirsten Dunst and Orlando Bloom on the phone is one of the best first date scenes in film. Woah, back up—first date? How was that a first date, one may ask? They just talk on the phone for a long time, after all. Right? WRONG! These are the phone calls during which you really get to know a person. The fact that you are not there with them and cannot physically see them causes your other senses (and your imagination) to stand at attention. How does their voice sound? What does it sound like they are doing? It ends up being a window into these little details that we would normally take for granted. Drew (Bloom) and Claire (Dunst) talk for hours, and hours, with no signs of stopping, or wanting to stop. They even fall asleep while on the phone with each other. They are talking to each other the entire time they are driving to meet up, and even up until they are two feet apart. Now come on—we’ve all had phone calls like this. OK, so we don’t all drive and meet up with each other and get to see a southern sunrise, but remember, these are movies we are talking about here. Even still, after all the great conversation and the beautiful surroundings, Drew and Claire just part ways. When would have been the better time to seal the deal, if you don’t mind me asking?

Claire: Do you ever just think I’m fooling everybody?
Drew: You have no idea.

8. Little Children (2006)

This one is pretty disturbing, but I can’t go without mentioning it. Jackie Earle Haley plays Ronnie McGorvey, a convicted child molester who has recently been released from prison. Living with his mother, he is encouraged by her to meet people and go on dates. Instead, he spends most of his time scaring people out of the public pool, slithering around underwater with his goggles/snorkel combo. But Mon’s persuasions increase, and eventually Ronnie ends up going on a date with Sheila (Jane Adams). As the two begin to talk over dinner, some common ground is reached, and Sheila seems to think he is “nicer” than most of the guys she dates. Ronnie, too, seems to lighten up a little, even attempting to inject some humor into the conversation. Things continue to seem smoother and smoother on the drive home, and when Ronnie asks Sheila to pull the car over, one almost wants to entertain a notion that he is going to grab and kiss her, and the two will live happily ever after. But, Ronnie’s motives are more complicated than that—let’s just say he is less excited about her than he is about the kid’s playground off to his left. Man, there’s an awkward drive home.

Mom: There are four columns of lonely women in here, and only one of lonely men. The odds are on our side. Now why wouldn’t any of these women want to meet a nice person like you?
Ronnie McGorvey: I’m not a nice person.

7. The Cable Guy (1996)

For a movie that represents the early film careers of the likes of Ben Stiller, Jack Black, Owen Wilson, David Cross, Bob Odenkirk, and a score of others, “The Cable Guy” is pretty underappreciated. It may be kind of an obvious satire, but it still works—Chip (Jim Carrey), raised in front of the television, has spent his life assuming several different identities and posing as a Cable Guy, offering free cable to win friends. When he meets Steven (Matthew Broderick), something snaps, and Chip is convinced the two should be buddies. This leads to one of the great date scenes in the movie, which is actually a man-date—when Chip takes Steven to Medieval Times. Topped off with early bit parts from Janeane Garofalo as a “serving wench” (“There was no silverware in Medieval Times, hence there is no silverware at Medieval Times; would you like a refill on that Pepsi?”) and Andy Dick as the head knight (“Dude, get on the friggin’ horse!”), the scene builds to a hilarious duel between the two characters, in which Steven unwittingly pulls most of his energies from his frustrations with Chip. It’s a great performance from Broderick, who is running in fear of his life one moment, and attacking Chip with brute force in the next. Of course, the two end up kind of bonding, even though Chip still makes Steven uncomfortable. Chip’s attempts to win Steven’s trust eventually lead him to a restaurant where Steven’s ex-girlfriend Robin (Leslie Mann) is on a date with a hilariously jock-y Owen Wilson. When Wilson excuses himself to use the bathroom, Chip is waiting for him, disguised as a bathroom attendant. Chip then proceeds to physically assault Wilson in what has to be the most brutally funny bathroom beating ever. I still laugh hysterically every time Chip forces Wilson’s mouth around the hand dryer spout and says “You know, you really remind me of Dizzy Gillespie!”

Robin’s Date (Owen Wilson): [signaling the waiter] Excuse me, excuse me, pardon me, pardon me, pardon me, hey what’s the story with our chicken, man? Have the eggs had a chance to hatch yet? Maybe you can go check on it for me, my friend, if it’s not too much trouble for you. [the waiter walks away] Okay, I’m sorry to put you out. [Turns to Robin] See the attitude?

6. Freddy Got Fingered (2001)

Whether or not you like Tom Green or are moved by his humor, there’s a good chance you know about bits like “The Backwards Man” and “Daddy Would You Like Some Sausage?” But there is so much more to “Freddy Got Fingered.” Perhaps one of the most squeamish scenes in history, this date scene from Tom Green’s faux-art film is all at once brutal, hilarious, and completely original. As one of the two scenes that inspired this list, it really pushes the limits of not only where a movie can go, but where a date can go. Self-appointed loser Gordy (Green), in a previous scene, is found trying on one of his dad’s suits by his father, Jim (a hilarious Rip Torn). Gordy tells Jim he has received “a job at a computer company”, and that he also needs to borrow $50 so he can buy the necessary supplies—like, you know, “some pens, and that little thing that helps you draw a perfect circle.” Ecstatic, Jim tells Gordy to “take $100”, and later on takes his wife Julie (Julie Hagerty) out for dinner to celebrate. It isn’t long before Jim notices Gordy and his wheelchair-bound girlfriend Betty (the beautiful Marisa Coughlan) sitting at a nearby table, while Gordy is making a ruckus on a cordless phone he took from his father’s kitchen (“You’re fucking fired, Bob!”). The hilarity that ensues is beyond explanation, the kind that only Green could create for us. Later on, he canes her legs at her request. Green uses his movie to laugh at his audience (which explains why people hated it so much), and that’s pretty funny in itself. In the end, you’ll either love it to death, or want to kill yourself for watching it.

Jim: Wait a minute… You’re crippled.
Gord: Dad…
Betty: What?
Gord: Dad…
Betty: You got a problem with my legs?
Jim: No, you got a problem with your legs. It’s either that, or you’re just lazy.

5. Clerks (1994)

I had to cheat with this one a little bit, because the date itself never actually happens. But, I believe enough of it happened to put it on this list. Convenience store clerk Dante (Brian O’Halloran) finally meets up with ex-girlfriend Caitlin (Lisa Spoonhauer) after whining about her all day long, and she’s actually excited to see him. They talk about old times, and half-jokingly, Dante asks her out on one of his “famous dinner-and-a-movie dates”. Caitlin says yes, and the two get excited, like they seem to be getting those new-relationship-jitters for each other all over again. They agree to go home, get dolled up, and meet back at the convenience store. Caitlin returns before Dante, and decides to use the Quick Stop’s bathroom while she waits … seriously, has anyone not seen “Clerks”? SPOILER ALERT: She ends up screwing a dead guy that had died while masturbating in the bathroom earlier in the day (Dante gave him the porno mag!). By the time Dante returns, it’s too late—Caitlin is so traumatized she can’t even speak. But, wouldn’t it be more traumatizing to be cock-blocked by a dead guy? Poor Dante—he never did catch a break.

Dante: Call the police!
Caitlin: No, don’t!
Randal: Why?
Dante: Because there’s a stranger in our bathroom and he just raped Caitlin!
Randal: She said she did all the work.

4. Punch-Drunk Love (2002)

The other film that that inspired this list, “Punch-Drunk Love” is the under-appreciated gem of the PTA catalog. Not like he is cast against type here, but Adam Sandler’s performance presents a remarkable restraint that shows us he can actually act. This makes his character, the extremely passive-aggressive (and that’s putting it lightly) Barry Egan, completely unlike his various other one-note comedy vehicles, which no doubt confused the large portion of the film’s audience who were expecting to see gay and fart jokes. Paul Thomas Anderson wrote the part especially for Sandler, and at no moment is it easier to see why than the infamous bathroom scene. Struggling to become his own man in the presence of his nine overbearing (and that’s putting it lightly) older sisters, Barry spends most of his time running his business of bathroom appliances and uncovering errors in sweepstakes programs for potential financial gain. Years of being mercilessly berated by his sisters has led to much repressed anger, causing him to feel the need to lie about everything. One of his sisters fixes him up with Lena (Emily Watson), who is super cute, and Barry takes her to a nice restaurant one evening. For awhile, things go splendidly—there is eye contact, and Barry actually makes a joke! But the inevitable mention of Barry’s erratic behavior (in this case involving the throwing of a hammer through a boat) and his sisters’ childhood exploits of him prove too much for him to take, and he excuses himself to the bathroom. Upon entering, he proceeds to beat the living piss out of it—the trash can, both stall doors, and the soap dispenser (oddly, the object he has the most trouble destroying) all get taken down. It’s the oddest, funniest moment in a wonderful little movie full of odd and funny moments, but it only gets better once the Restaurant Manager realizes it is Barry who has smashed up the bathroom:

Restaurant Manager: Sir, the bathroom was just torn apart.
Barry Egan: Um, yeah.
Restaurant Manager: Did you do it?
Barry Egan: No.
Restaurant Manager: You didn’t just smash up the bathroom?
Barry Egan: No.
Restaurant Manager: Well, who did?
Barry Egan: I dunno.
Restaurant Manager: Sir, your hand is bleeding.
Barry Egan: I cut myself.
Restaurant Manager: How?
Barry Egan: On my knife. (Silence.) What?
Restaurant Manager: Sir, your hand is bleeding.
Barry Egan: I know.
Restaurant Manager: I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
Barry Egan: Yeah, but I didn’t do anything.
Restaurant Manager: Sir, I’ve got no way to prove that you smashed up the bathroom—
Barry Egan: I didn’t do that. I didn’t.
Restaurant Manager: Look, I’m gonna have to ask you to go.
Barry Egan: OK. I didn’t—
Restaurant Manager: I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.
Barry Egan: Alright, please don’t do this to me.
Restaurant Manager: Sir, I’m gonna call the police.
Barry Egan: Alright. Can I just stay?
Restaurant Manager: Sir, I’m gonna crack your fuckin’ head open. Get outta here.

3. Say Anything (1989)

Cameron Crowe again! I’m telling you, the man knows relationships. I don’t just mean romantic ones, either; in fact, he is one of the best writers out there when it comes to pinpointing those subtle differences between friends, family, and lovers. Of course, we all know “Say Anything” is romantically oriented, but family relationships are a huge part of the film as well. Case in point—the scene where Lloyd (John Cusack) visits the home of his interest Diane (Ionne Skye) and her father James (John Mahoney) to have dinner with them and some of James’ friends and business associates. Some would argue that this is not technically a date, but I beg to differ—meeting parents is a huge part of the courting process, not to mention the fact that trying to impress them can be almost or just as complicated as trying to impress a love interest. It doesn’t seem to be a matter for Lloyd in this scene, however. He obviously wants the approval of Diane’s father, but his seemingly misplaced confidence becomes something more of an awkward assuredness as he begins to describe what he would like to do with his life. The answer he gives has become the quintessential response of all the other Lloyd Doblers and Ben Braddocks in the world, all those college grads out there who are constantly bombarded with this question. At some point in the scene, it becomes clear to us that Lloyd believes no one will ever be able to love Diane as much as he. Even with all the blank and disappointed stares coming from James and his guests, it comes across beautifully.

Lloyd Dobler: I don’t want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don’t want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don’t want to do that.

2. Sideways (2004)

Miles (an amazing Paul Giamatti) lives in the past, and his friend Jack (a likewise Thomas Haden Church) is constantly trying to yank him out of it, which is one of the many motives behind this little double-date scene in Alexander Payne’s classic. The memorable moments are almost too many to count—even the very first conversation outside the restaurant is priceless. What we get from there are peaks and valleys that go ever higher and ever deeper. Things seem to be going good for the two couples at first—Jack tries noticeably harder than Miles to keep the women engaged, but the fervent smiling and eye contact from beautiful Maya (Virginia Madsen) is not lost on Miles. Soon, however, Miles’ drunkenness gets the better of him, which leads him like a marionette to a pay phone in the back, and to one of the most painfully awkward drunk-dials in film. Seriously, any moment where you are blasted and calling your ex-wife is not a good one, and it makes Miles seem like even more of a hopeless case. But it also makes us feel for him, and in the end, his actions are those that require some balls. The date doesn’t end there, but it pretty much does for Miles—which is sad, because we know he wants to hit that.

Jack: Do not drink too much. Do you hear me? I don’t want you passing out or going to the dark side. No going to the dark side!
Miles: Okay!

Jack: If they want to drink Merlot, we’re drinking Merlot.
Miles: No, if anyone orders Merlot, I’m leaving. I am NOT drinking any fucking Merlot!

1. Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)

Does it really surprise you that Cameron Crowe has three entries on this list? (Crowe wrote the screenplay, but Amy Heckerling directed.) “Fast Times” is basically a montage of classic date scenes and teen fantasies (I know Phoebe Cates is coming to mind for some of you, as she damn well should.). There is one date scene that stands out, however, and rings hilariously true in its innocent awkwardness. In the scene previous to the first date between nerdy Mark Ratner (Brian Backer) and hottie Stacy Hamilton (Jennifer Jason Leigh), Ratner’s buddy Mike Damone (Robert Romanus) gives him a few pointers. “When it comes down to makin’ out,” Damone says, “put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.” The next thing we hear, as Ratner drives with Stacy in the passenger seat, is the intro to “Kashmir”. Not only does Rat put it on at the wrong time—he puts on the wrong album entirely! These details and many more help this spot-on examination of awkward first dates, wonderfully realized by Cameron Crowe in his first screenplay. Halfway through dinner, Rat notices he has forgotten his wallet and has no way to pay for the meal. He decides to call on his buddy Damone to bring it to the restaurant, which Damone is wary of doing at first. (Though Damone’s reluctance to help Rat in his time of need should be considered foreshadowing, Ratner should not have called him in the first place, as it turns out to be nothing more than an invitation to cock-block.) Of course, while Rat is waiting for his wallet, he has to stall the date a bit, which he does simply by ordering more food and drinks. Soon, the couple’s table is full of restaurant debris, and Stacy looks shocked when Rat orders two more Cokes—right as Damone shows up to save the day! After narrowly escaping that predicament, Rat gets a piece of good news—Stacy’s parents happen to be out of town (her parents never seem to be home, in fact). She invites Rat to come inside, but he is too nervous to fire her up. He makes some excuse and says he has to go, leaving Stacy looking confused and unfulfilled. Through Rat, Cameron Crowe has given us something very valuable—an amazingly accurate blueprint of what NOT to do on a first date.

Mike Damone: I can see it all now, this is gonna be just like last summer. You fell in love with that girl at the Fotomat, you bought forty dollars worth of fuckin’ film, and you never even talked to her. You don’t even own a camera.

Tags: bad, best, classic, couples, dates, film, movies, romantic, scenes, Top 10 Unorthodox Date Scenes, Top ten Unorthodox Date Scenes, Worst

Today’s list comes to us from Sean O’Connell, a New York City-based writer who also has also contributed his Top 10 Movie Brothers and Top 10 Rain Scenes. Thanks to Sean for another great list! If you have a Top 10 you’d like to contribute, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Sean:

Every day I take the subway to work, it is usually an hour commute into Manhattan. There is always this married couple that gets to the station the same time as me and are on the train for a majority of my ride. They look like the perfect couple on the outside, but it turns out the husband is a real jerk. He always blames her if they missed the train, or if they are running late, or he does not have enough money on him to get on the train. As he consistently blames her for everything short of the demise of the economy, she just sits there and takes the verbal abuse. So listening to them fight over the last six months got me to thinking, there have also been a lot of horrible husbands portrayed on the big screen. I know there have been some awful wives in Hollywood as well, but I am keeping this list dedicated to the awful husbands. Some honorable mentions that did not make the cut, Michael Caine in “Hannah & Her Sisters” (he has an affair with his wife’s sister), Ray Liota in “Goodfellas” (he cheats on his wife throughout the whole movie), and John Cassavetes in “Rosemary’s Baby” (he whores his wife out to the devil). So without further ado, here are the Top 10 Worst Husbands in Movie History.

10. Roy Neary - Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977)

I know right off the bat that many people will disagree with this one, but hear me out first. Forget the plot of the movie and just look at his actions. When we first see Roy Neary (Richard Dreyfuss), he is trying to teach his son how to do fractions. His wife Ronnie (Terry Garr) is cleaning the house trying to get her husband’s attention, while he just ignores her and gives one word answers to her questions. Then after Roy sees the UFOs, he wakes up his whole family to go see the site where he had his encounter. Ronnie does her best to believe him, and all she wants in return is to be held and kissed like they used to do. Roy, in turn, pretends to kiss her while still looking up in the sky. Then when Roy is promptly fired for not showing up to work, does he deal with this? No. He leaves it all up to Ronnie. Then when Ronnie feels it is time to have a serious talk about Roy’s insane behavior, she finds him in the shower fully clothed. At the end of the movie, everyone is always happy that Roy gets on the spaceship. I see it for what it is: He is running away from his responsibilities to his family. Instead of trying to go to counseling to try and save his marriage, he jumps on the first alien ship out of here. Spielberg was quoted years later as saying that you can tell he was single when he made this movie because now that he is a family man he would never have let Roy get on UFO and leave his family behind.

Worst Husband Moment: Roy’s attempt to save his marriage leads him to instead destroying his house by building an extra large model of Devil’s Tower in his living room. He uses garbage, dirt, mud, bushes, and chicken wire. This act is what ultimately chases Ronnie away.

9. Earl Hunterson - Waitress (2007)

The culprit in this movie is Earl Hunterson portrayed by Jeremy Sisto. Earl’s wife Jenna (Keri Russell) works as a waitress at the local diner where her specialty is making pies for any occasion. Really her pie making is an escape from the horrible marriage that she has gotten herself into. We find out Earl is bad news from the beginning of the movie because Jenna wants to hide her pregnancy from her husband. The last time I checked this is supposed to be a happy event. Anyway, Earl can always be heard coming in the scene because he beeps his car horn constantly when he picks Jenna up from work. One beep will do, but he has to be a jerk. He also takes all her money that she earned because a husband is in charge of the money in his eyes. Then when he finds the money Jenna had been hiding all around the house, money she was going to use to help her escape from him, he promptly flips out. He destroys a table at her best friend’s wedding, makes her come home, and then offers to buy a camcorder with the money so they can make sex films (that is if she can get back into shape after she has the baby). When Jenna finally gets the courage up to leave Earl, she goes to the bus stop. Earl beeps his way there, stops her before she gets on, and slaps her across the face. Striking a woman, let alone your pregnant wife, will instantly get you on the top 10.

Worst Husband Moment: When Earl finds out that Jenna is pregnant, he says she can only have the baby if she agrees to never love the baby more than him. WTF? How insecure can one person be? Well his reminder of the agreement after the birth of their daughter is what prompts Jenna to finally tell Earl to hit the bricks.

8. Monk - Purple Rose of Cairo (1985)

Next up on our list is Monk, played by Danny Aiello. Monk does not have much screen time in this movie but his actions as a husband have a significant impact on the movie. The wife here is Cecilia (Mia Farrow), who is a waitress in a local diner–wait, is there a trend here? Are all movie waitresses married to jerks? P.S. “Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore” doesn’t count because she wasn’t married to Harvey Keitel or Kris Kristofferson. So back to “Purple Rose,” after Cecilia works a hard day at the diner, she has to give her money to Monk who is out of work. Monk doesn’t pay bills with the money; he plays craps with his “friends” instead. By the way Monk is out of work and is playing craps when he is supposed to be out looking for a job. She tries many times to leave Monk but he always reminds her that she will be back because she has nowhere else to go. So the only escape she has from her awful marriage and constant beatings from her husband (we never see Monk hit her but he always reminds her that he will slap her silly again) is the movies. She goes everyday to see the same film, “The Purple Rose of Cairo.” Her devotion to the film leads to one of the characters stepping out of the film and insanity ensues. At the end though (SPOILER!), Cecilia does not get to run away to Hollywood with her new handsome actor boyfriend because he ditches her once the problems are solved. She is instead stuck in the movie theater again reminded that she has to go home to Monk because she has no other choices in life.

Worst Husband Moment: When Monk gets caught having an affair, he tries to convince Cecilia that it is her fault. He tells her he shouldn’t be left alone, that she should know how he gets when he drinks.

7. Prof. Humbert Humbert - Lolita (1962)

OK, the first three husbands were nothing compared to the next seven. “Lolita” … how do I even begin to explain how bad of a husband Humbert (James Mason) really is? For starters, he only marries Charlotte Hayes (Shelly Winters) so he can be closer to her underage (way underage) daughter Dolores (Lolita). Charlotte, who has no clue to what Humbert’s intentions are, sends Lolita away to summer camp. This makes Humbert depressed but he counts the days until she returns. When newlywed Humbert finds out that Charlotte plans to send Lolita to boarding school so that they can spend even more quiet time together, he becomes more withdrawn. Charlotte eventually finds his diary where he explains his ridiculous love for Lolita. This sends Charlotte into a frenzy and she wants Humbert out of the house, the great husband that Humbert is, he decides he is going to shoot Charlotte and make it look like a suicide. Well Charlotte beats him to the punch, while attempting to escape from Humbert she is hit by a car and dies. This news makes Humbert excited and he goes and gets drunk while taking a bath. Of course everyone just thinks that he is in denial. The rest of the movie just goes on to show that Humbert can also be a bad stepfather as well.

Worst Husband Moment: When Charlotte tries to seduce Humbert, the only way he can fulfill his husbandly duties is by staring at a framed picture of Lolita.

6. Ike Turner Sr. – What’s Love Got To Do With It (1993)

Good old Ike is the only real-life bad husband to make the list, but I’m sure there will be more to follow in the future years (the eventual O.J./Robert Blake/Jonathan Gosselin movie). Laurence Fishburne, who brilliantly portrayed Ike Turner, is the first of the movie husbands on this list to be nominated for an Academy Award. Ike is a selfish jerk of a husband who is jealous of his wife Tina’s (Angela Bassett) career. When they first meet, it seems like everything is going to be great between the two musicians, but we quickly get glimpses of the rage that lies beneath Ike Turner. Ike is constantly beating and berating Tina to the point that she doesn’t know if she is coming or going. He always reminds her that he MADE her, and that she would be nothing without him. Well, Tina eventually gets up the courage and decides to leave Ike, but the great man that he is, he decides that she can’t have her name; he thinks he owns it. Tina’s real name was Anna Mae Bullock and Ike felt the Turner name was his. He even says, “The name is mine. The name got my daddy’s blood on it. If she wanna go, she can go wherever she wanna go, but the name stays home!” What kind of a sick man thinks he owns a name? We all know that Tina gets her name in the end.

Worst Husband Moment: After a recording session, Ike throws everyone out of the studio. He then starts to hit Tina, and then rape her while screaming like an animal. Every time I watch this movie I find that this is the hardest scene to sit through.

5. Carlo Rizzi – The Godfather (1972)

Now, to be fair “The Godfather” has its share of bad husbands. Sonny Corleone cheating on his wife at his sister’s wedding and Michael Corleone lying right to his wife’s face at the end of the movie, but it is Carlo (Gianni Russo) who takes the prize. It starts out the way like many of the other bad movie marriages start where everything is great. Carlos and Connie (Talia Shire) have a storybook wedding that would make any couple blush. We eventually find out that Carlo only married Connie with dreams of one day joining the family business. When Sonny keeps shunning Carlo from family meetings, Carlo starts to take his frustrations out on Connie and ultimately decides to take matters in to his own hands. He makes a deal with two of the other rival mafia families to help take Sonny (James Caan) out. In order to achieve this, he must trick Sonny into one of his famous fits of rage. So Carlo decides to start going out all night, having affairs and having his mistress call the house looking for him. All of this makes Connie upset and forces her to confront Carlo. Carlo will not be confronted and decides to not once but twice beat his wife. Also, Carlo is the second husband on this list that hit his pregnant wife. Carlos is the first of our bad husbands who gets his in the end. Michael (Al Pacino) saw through Carlo’s little games and had him strangled on the day of his child’s christening.

Worse Husband Moment: The second time Carlo beats his wife, he first tells her to clean up all the dishes she broke. He then calls her a racial name and then chases her to the bathroom and beats her with his belt.

4. Martin Burney – Sleeping With The Enemy (1991)

First things first: By no means do I find this to be a good movie, but Martin Burney (Patrick Bergin) is one bad husband. The reason I felt compelled to put him up so high the list is because of what his wife Laura (Julia Roberts) planned to do just to get away from him. Here is a girl that knew divorce would not be enough, that he would always terrorize her. He was abusive, possessive, and got jealous when a neighbor would just say hi. So she decides she is going to fake her own death. Laura is petrified of the ocean and has never learned to swim. Martin convinces her to go out sailing with her one night. A storm comes and Laura is knocked overboard. Speaking of overboard, the husband in the 1987 classic comedy “Overboard” (Grant Stayton III, played by Edward Herrmann) was not so great himself. Anyway, so Martin is lead to believe his wife had drowned. End of marriage and Martin will be forced to move on. Well we find out that Laura had planned this night for months. She was taking swimming lessons so she would be able to swim to shore. She even faked her own mother’s death and moved her into a nursing home with a different name months before she faked her own death just so she could still visit her. When she did visit her blind mother, she went in disguise just in case. Now come on, all this planning instead of a divorce just to get away from one man? Martin deserves his spot at number four. Laura does get payback on her husband by shooting him twice in the chest.

Worst Husband Moment: When Martin finds his mother-in-law in the nursing home, he decides he is going to smother her with a pillow. Only because she said her daughter was married to a monster. Does that comment really condone being killed and how can you smother your blind mother-in-law with a pillow? Don’t worry, she doesn’t die.

3. Gregory Anton – Gaslight (1944)

Charles Boyer, who portrayed Gregory Anton, is the second husband on the list to be Oscar-nominated for his work. Gregory marries Paula (Ingrid Bergman), a woman who has been haunted by the death of her aunt years earlier in London. What does great new husband Gregory suggest she do in order for her to overcome her anxieties? Why, move into the very house that her Aunt died in of course. Paula agrees and soon she starts loosing small objects and hearing noises. When a watch that Gregory lost turns up in Paula pocketbook, he accuses her of stealing it–that’s classy. Poor Paula now starts to doubt her own sanity. It turns out that Gregory planted the watch there. Gregory was also hiding the small objects about the house and convincing her she was hearing noises. It turns out that Gregory’s master plan was to drive Paula crazy. Now that is what I call a wonderful husband. Bergman deservedly won the Academy Award that year for her amazing depiction of troubled Paula.

Worst Husband Moment: Gregory tells Paula that he is leaving every night, but instead he sneaks in the house through the attic. He turns down all the gaslights in the house the house so everything gets dim. Paula, since she is all alone and no one else experiences it, thinks that it is all her imagination.

2. Jerome “Jerry” Lundegaard – Fargo (1996)

The third of our Oscar nominated bad husbands is William H. Macy for his creepy performance as Jerry Lundegaard. From the opening scene we get a glimpse of just how wacked out Jerry is. He is sitting in a diner with two criminals, Carl and Gaear (Steve Buscemi and Peter Stormare), informing them of his plan on how he wants them to kidnap his wife Jean (Kristen Rudrud). His hopes are that he can then get the ransom money from his father-in-law and give the criminals $100,000 and keep the rest for himself to pay off his debts. This plan is so insane that even Carl and Gaear are confused by his motives and they tell him to simply ask his wife for the money. Jerry just can’t do that, so he would rather rely in two ex-cons he never met before to carry out his master plan. Needless to say, it all goes wrong, people are dying, and all wackiness ensues. Jerry starts lying to his father-in-law, trying to control the situation, just so he can get his money. When it looks like a legit business deal that Jerry has been working on might work out, he tries to cancel the kidnapping. When he finds out that he can’t stop it, he decides to just go along with it. Meanwhile, Jerry has a teenage son that is absolutely crushed by the disappearance of his mother. Jerry just tells him to keep on telling everyone mom is out of town. Jerry finds no remorse in his actions, and in no way comforts his son. (SPOILER!) Well, Jean is eventually murdered by mad man Gaear, and the police find Jerry hiding out in a motel trying to flee the scene. This all could have been avoided if Jerry just manned up and asked his wife for the money, but what do we expect from the number two bad husband in cinema history.

Worst Husband Moment: When Jerry finds out that Carl murdered Jean’s father, he decides to hide the body in the trunk of his car. This man would do anything to get his hands on the ransom money.

1. Jack Torrance – The Shining (1980)

Jack Nicholson takes the top prize on this list for his portrayal of the ax-wielding maniac husband from the Overlook Hotel. I know a lot of people are going to say that it was not his fault, that he had cabin fever. Really… I have been snowed in before to and I never felt the need to chop my family into bits. Then some might say, well he was possessed by the demons of the hotels past. The thing is, he was a jerk even before he got to the hotel. His loving wife Wendy (Shelly Duvall) looks like she is afraid of her own shadow because she was forced to deal with Jack’s alcoholic past. He even ripped their sons arm out of his socket because he messed up his test papers. So even before we know what makes Jack tick, it is clearly established that he is a bad husband. Jack, as selfish as he is, decides to drag Wendy and son Danny (Danny Lloyd) up to an isolated hotel for the winter just so he can finish writing his novel. Wendy, the good wife that she is, just wants to make him sandwiches and spend some quality time with him. Jack’s loving reply to Wendy’s actions is “When you come in here and you hear me typing, or whether you DON’T hear me typing, or whatever the FUCK you hear me doing; when I’m in here, it means that I am working, THAT means don’t come in. Now, do you think you can handle that?” Jack then tries to find out who beat up their son and when he finds who did it, does he reprimand the lady in room 237, NO- he kisses the witch. Then Jack decides that it is time to destroy the snowmobiles so his family can’t escape, he destroys the radio, and gets an ax to kill his family. Of course, his plan fails and Jack becomes a frozen statue for all to see in the Overlook Hotel’s glorious botanical maze.

Worst Husband Moment: Wendy finds out that Jack has not been writing a novel at all. Remember, that was the main reason he dragged her up to the middle of nowhere. He instead has been writing, “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” over and over again. Jack finds her reading his “novel” and starts to pursue her up the stairs. He then threatens to bash Wendy’s brains in with a baseball bat. At least he calls Wendy the light of his life first.

Tags: 10, bad, characters, dumb, evil, film, husbands, list, men, movies, ten, top, Top 10 Worst Movie Husbands, Top Ten Worst Movie Husbands, Worst

Andrew Reed has graced the web pages of Scene-Stealers before. He’s a regular sitegoer who leaves loads of great comments, but he’s also written list of Top 10 Movie Cougars and Top 10 Unfairly Maligned Sequels. Currently living in Argentina, he aslo runs the excellent movie/music blog Fighting the Youth. In honor of this weekend’s live-action adaptation of “G.I. Joe” (which the studio is NOT screening for us critics this week…hmmm), he’s got a list of pasts cartoon trainwrecks. If you have a Top 10 list you’d like to contribute, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Andrew:

I originally wanted to write a Top 10 Best Cartoon Remakes, but then I realized that there would be a significant problem with that approach. Remakes of cartoons are nearly always dreadful at best. I am afraid that I must conclude that Michael Bay’s first “Transformers” effort barely gets the nod over the first “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” movie as the best one ever made. Greatly begrudging and half-hearted kudos to you, Mr. Bay. The fact that these remakes are always a disappointment has not slowed their production. Aside from this week’s sure to be deflating journey into the live-action world of “G.I. Joe,” here’s an abridged list of other projects apparently on the docket: Voltron, Hong Kong Phooey, The Smurfs, Tom and Jerry, Marvin the Martian, Yogi Bear, Johnny Quest, Thundercats, The Last Airbender, He-Man, and The Jetsons.

To be honest, that last one has me mildly intrigued. Maybe there’s a reason they keep sucking us in to watch these dreadful things. Maybe we’re all curious to see if the magic that dazzled us with only two dimensions when we were children can be translated to our adult frame of reference. Sadly, these movies seem to always fail for both fans of the series and those who’ve never heard of them before. You’ll surely be irked at what didn’t make the cut, but there’s only room for ten. So let’s get this over with already: It’s the Top 10 Worst Live-Action Cartoon Adaptations.

10. Underdog (2007)

Say what you want about the original “Underdog” cartoon. It was flimsy, repetitive and campy as hell, but at least it had character. After taking a pill, Shoeshine Boy would transform into Underdog and rescue his Sweet Polly Purebred from the nefarious Simon Bar Sinister. From the newsreel narration to Underdog’s peppy attitude, its tone always delivered a smile to viewers’ faces. But this Disney film is not interested in tone. It’s hard to tell if it’s interested in much of anything, actually. Casting a real beagle as Underdog is a questionable decision at best; in the series he always seemed more like a regular person who was born with floppy ears and a wet nose. Affected by a lab experiment gone awry, Underdog can suddenly talk and fly and accidentally blow things up. It all plays out like a cross between Benji and Blankman, except, you know, dumber. If they really wanted to make this a dumbed down kids film, they should have made a “Superdog” movie and called it “Air Bud: Pooper Trooper.” Or they could have gone in the other direction and hired Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. But this is family fare that will only serve to put your kids to sleep. Also, I freaking hate beagles (long story). Here’s an example of the humor on display in this stupid movie:

9. Masters of the Universe (1987)

How do you translate a beloved, but somewhat insipid children’s cartoon to the big screen in 1987? You bring the characters from Eternia to Earth, of course. That way you don’t need any elaborate sets or special effects. Also, you completely abandon most of the storyline, history, and characters from the original series because you think you can come up with something better - like soldiers in black helmets with machine guns (seriously). And of course, you hire Dolph Lundgren. The He-Man series was always a rather basic show, with Prince Adam and Cringer screwing around until Skeletor showed up with a cadre of evil dudes at which time Adam would transform into He-Man and save the day. But this film adaptation completely ignored the Prince Adam storyline. Instead, the main characters are two high school sweethearts, one of whom is played by a young Courtney Cox. This movie exudes the notion that was made up as it went along, completely full of nonsensical preening and lacking the majority of the eccentric characters from the series. The funny thing is, as bad as this film was, the only thing that kiboshed a sequel was the high cost Mattell was charging for the rights to the characters.

8. Josie and the Pussycats (2001)

The one thing they did right with this movie was to hire three hot chicks. (Admit it. You thought Tara Reid was hot right up until she became Tara Reid.) Sadly, that’s the only thing. The TV show always featured the band seemingly “covering” an episode of Scooby-Doo whereby they would foil some sinister villain’s plot to destroy the world or steal a lot of money. In the film, the scheme is being perpetrated by their own record label and the U.S. Government. But it’s so incredibly stupid that it pains me to give the description. The whole idea is that the government is trying to make sure teens get the message that they should spend their hard-earned babysitting and lawn-mowing money to further the economy and embrace American consumerism. It’s hard to tell if the filmmakers were trying to make a point because there were 73 separate companies that were involved with product placement in the film (though none of them paid for it). It’s also hard to tell if they were trying to make a joke because there’s not a single thing worth laughing at in the entire film. During their meteoric rise to superstardom, the girls get “catty” with each other before working out their differences. The end result is one of the most boring and credulous movies about the inner workings of pop music you could imagine. But hey, at least the music is horrendous:

7. Garfield (2004)

OK, let’s start with the fact that outside of tracking down lasagna from the kitchen, Garfield isn’t supposed to “do” anything. That’s the whole point of his existence and the reason suburban 40-somethings paste his image on their cubicle walls. After a cursory look at his laziness, the majority of this film consists of Garfield running around town, trying to save Odie, a dog he hates. Bill Murray supplies Garfield’s voice, a transgression for which he will be forgiven largely because he’s Bill Murray and because it’s only his voice, so nobody will casually recognize him while flipping across TBS. But worse than the nonsense surrounding the main character is the romantic subplot played out between Breckin Meyer and Jennifer Love Hewitt. After seeing Hewitt’s “The Tuxedo,” I recently remarked to a friend that the most notable thing in the film is that Jackie Chan acts circles around her, and he can’t even speak English. In this case, the real dog playing Odie easily outdoes them both, though this his hardly surprising. I realize making a movie out of a character that is used to occupying our attention for three panels a day is a daunting challenge. But nobody held a gun to the heads of the filmmakers and demanded they take up such a challenge.

6. Mr. Magoo (1997)

It is tempting to believe that Leslie Nielsen was simply so old that he thought he would probably die soon after the success of “The Naked Gun” and its sequels and wanted to make as much money as he could as quickly as possible. How else can you explain appearing in “Spy Hard,” “Surf Ninjas,” “Wrongfully Accused,” and “2001: A Space Travesty”? But of all the dreadful films he’s made, none are more ill-conceived than “Mr. Magoo.” This might be the best existing example of Hollywood executive stupidity. If you’re going to remake an old cartoon, at least choose one that people actually like. For those who don’t know, Mr. Magoo is basically blind, but apparently is not aware of the severity his condition, so he frequently mistakes one thing for another. What he believes to be a beautiful woman may in fact be a sunflower or a broom. He’ll wander into a restaurant thinking it’s a hospital or a zoo. Even though Nielsen is clearly not a picky man, I can’t help but wonder if he was already method acting when he OK’d the script. Actually, if you’re curious about this movie and want a laugh, the best thing to do is read Roger Ebert’s review and save yourself 87 minutes. It’s far more entertaining than anything in the film. Just watching the trailer is unbearable.

5. Inspector Gadget (1999)

This was probably an idea doomed from the start, but casting Matthew Broderick in the titular role certainly didn’t help matters. Broderick can play the bumbling fool, but not an arrogantly incurious one. And since arrogant incuriousity was the whole point of the original series, it was clear that they weren’t even aiming at the right target. The movie finds itself completely derailed from its source material, but has a myriad of other problems as well. Whoever thought it was a good idea to take a character who has a helicopter come out of his hat and “play it straight” had a couple screws loose. Instead of giving Gadget a wild series of clues to follow (with help from his niece Penny and her computer book), we get a maudlin backstory of a security guard who always wanted to be a police officer, and is also a really nice guy. After being nearly killed, they turn him into an android who then goes about saving the day and whatnot. It’s like Robocop, but for comotose kids. Maybe they were trying to set up a series of films that would better follow the gleefully obtuse antics of the original series, but the film was such a disaster that the inevitable follow-up featuring French Stewart and went straight to DVD. Thank goodness. Trust me when I say that this video is better than any scene in the film. You’re welcome.

4. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)

This is easily the biggest disappointment on the list. The story is as revered as they come, and the 1966 cartoon is replayed every Christmas with wide appreciation. A big-budget treatment directed by Ron Howard starring Jim Carrey certainly seemed like a good idea. But its failings are as varied as they are consistent. Let’s start with the glaringly obvious: the Whos down in Whoville look really freaking creepy. I felt the strong urge to look away every time one appeared onscreen. The original special was only 26 minutes, a running time that pretty much told the complete story. To stretch it into a feature film, various asinine plot points were included or adjusted. First of all, the Grinch has a past as one of the Whos, he has a love interest putting him in competition with the current mayor of Whoville, and little Cindy Lou Who has a weird fascination/friend crush on the Grinch. None of this makes any sense except to align the film with typical Ron Howardian sentimentalism and add minutes. But the biggest problem is that Jim Carrey does exactly what he was hired to do: act like a buffoon. That the majority of his scenes are shared solely with a dog only gives him more creative license. The Grinch was always more conniving than evil and in no way a clown. But Carrey hams it up way more than he did as The Mask. With all the plot changes and Carrey’s mugging, they should have just made up a whole new set of characters and called it something else. It wouldn’t have made the movie any better, but at least Theo Geisel’s grave could stop spinning.

3. Scooby-Doo (2002)

You knew this would be a bad idea the moment you heard about it. While nobody would ever go as far as to call the cartoon “smart”, at least it had a somewhat hair-raising edge to it. But of course, the live-action incarnation was directed at those 8 and under which meant all the spookiness, sense of fear, and pot jokes would be left out of the script. (Seriously, what exactly is in a Scooby-snack? Why do they crave them so much and become wildly paranoid after eating them? But I digress.) Combine that with the casting of Hollywood’s “up and comers” in the four human roles and this thing was doomed from the first moment director Raja Gosnell said “Action.” Matthew Lillard puts a lot of effort into his Shaggy voice, but aside from that, none of the principals can keep up with the CGI dog, and the plot is worse than any episode of the original series. Also, instead of the Harlem Globetrotters, we get the band Sugar Ray. Things were so bad that I was longing for Scrappy Doo. Perhaps the movie’s biggest crime is casting a hotter actress as Velma (Linda Cardellini) than the one they picked for Daphne (Sarah Michelle Gellar). Whose idea was that? At least we can thank this film for lowering the profile of both Freddie Prinze Jr. and Gellar. So in that sense, I suppose it’s not completely worthless.

2. The Flintstones (1994)
Halle Berry in a cheetah bikini only gets you so far. This is the one that opened the floodgates and therefore deserves a huge chunk of the blame for this list’s existence. Perhaps some movie producer stumbled upon “Raising Arizona,” heard John Goodman’s ubiquitous screaming and realized he’d riff a good “Wiiiiillllllmaaaaaa!” No matter what the impetus was for this project, you’d be hard pressed to think of a more boring way to spend an afternoon. Goodman’s “acting” in this one consists mainly talking out of one side of his mouth, and he’s not given the opportunity to pull off even the most modest of Fred’s traditional crafty schemes. From a business standpoint, they were on to something as this dreadful piece of schlock netted over $350,000,000 worldwide (plus another $70,000,000 in rentals). That number probably overcame the considerable advertising budget. This is a complete waste of time for all involved, but especially for any poor viewer who’s bothered to sit down and watch it. It gets high distinction on this list because its success opened led to most of the others. This clip is more entertaining than the movie itself. Working hard on those moves…

1. The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle (2000)

This steamy mess of a disaster cost 76 million dollars to make, but only garnered 26 million at the box office. It also caused considerable damage to the reputation of producer and star Robert De Niro. Not only does it completely miss the entire point of the series, but there’s not a damn thing in this movie that remotely works. They apparently thought that putting famous names alongside the cartoon characters everyone knew and loved would be sufficient. In lieu of working on a real script, they painted the scenes with broad, dumb strokes and happily called it a day. Every attempt at the tongue-in-cheek humor from the original series ended up failing in this movie. Instead, we get terrible puns that are not played for laughs - just for the references themselves. Whoopi Goldberg’s cameo as a judge who exclaims “Oh my God, it’s Rocky and Bullwinkle!” pretty much sums up the approach to making this movie. Watch the trailer, realize that these are the best jokes they had, and you’ll quickly get the idea.

Tags: action, animated, cartoon, list, live, remakes, ten, top, Top 10 Worst Live-Action Cartoon Adaptations, top ten, Worst

Our Top 10 list today comes from Will Dawson, whose Top 10 Worst James Bond Flicks list still generates lots of comments. J.D. and I both did a Top 10 list of that rare thing—the successful sequel—a while back (Eric’s Top 10 Best Sequels & J.D.’s Top 10 Best Sequels), and Will is looking at the other side of the coin today. We even had blogger Andrew Reed write a list of Top 10 Unfairly Maligned Sequels, in which he sticks up for one of the movies on Will’s list! If you’d like to contribute a Top 10 list of your own, send it to eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Will:

The sequel has been one of Hollywood’s most time honored inventions. However, in recent years, due to the fact that Hollywood has been running out of ideas, the sequel has come to represent a kind of dread to how bad it will be and makes people wonder “Why the hell did they make a sequel to that?” Anyway, here is a list of the 10 Worst Sequels of all time, which will make you wonder, “Why the hell did they make a sequel to that?”

10. Robocop 2 (1990)

To tell you the truth, I kind of do appreciate “Robocop 2” for its sincere camp value, and the movie is really campy. Such plot devices as Robocop talking about the merits of good hygiene, a 10-year-old drug dealer that swears like a sailor, and a little-league baseball team that rob a TV store all come to mind. However, these reasons are exactly why the movie is so bad to begin with. The first “Robocop” was an effective satire about law enforcement and what it meant to be human, while this one tries to be serious a criminal drama but ends up becoming an unintentional comedy with the clichéd message “Crime doesn’t pay…especially if you mess with Robocop.”

Cain: You Want Me?
Robocop: Dead or alive.
Cain: One of us must die.
Robocop: Alright, dead then.

9. Revenge of the Nerds 2: Nerds In Paradise (1987)

Taking off from the classic film “Revenge of the Nerds”, the writers decided to put the nerds in sunny Ft. Lauderdale, Fla., where they run into the same old enemies and engage in the same old sex-jinks. Although I do admire the producers for bringing back some of the original cast (unlike other movies on this list), the movie is a just rehash of the first one with the notable exceptions that the nerds are in “paradise” as it were, and Anthony Edwards has less of a role. Anyway, haven’t the nerds already gotten revenge in the first movie? Did they really need to get revenge in the second one? Oh well…..

Booger: Excuse me, miss. I just want you to know that I don’t intend to sleep with another woman until I’m back here in your arms with my head resting between your creamy thighs.

8. Air Bud 2: Golden Receiver (1998)

Oh man, I just wanted to write “The dog plays football!!!!!” and just get it over with, but I’ll delve into the mess that is “Air Bud 2.”. Basically Air Bud’s owner is on a football team that sucks so they enlist the help of Air Bud to play football, and it turns out Air Bud is super good at football. Beside the fact that non-humans cannot play high school football because it is against the rules, AIR BUD IS A FUCKING DOG AND HE DOESN’T HAVE FUCKING HANDS, thereby he CAN’T CATCH THE FOOTBALL!!!! And don’t give me this crap about how he catches it through his helmet with his mouth–if Air Bud was a real dog that did that in real life, the force and speed of the ball landing in Air Bud’s mouth would make Air Bud’s neck snap or break his teeth. Did I also mention that the dog plays football?

Coach: I’ll tell you one thing boys, that ain’t no golden retriever….that is a golden receiver!

7. The Matrix Reloaded (2003)

Oh man, I remember when the hype for this was so big in high school and I remember being really pissed off when I didn’t see it in theaters, but anyway I rented it on DVD and I thought “Well … that sucked.” “The Matrix Reloaded” has a lot of problems that I’ll sum up in a few details: convoluted plot, bad dialogue, over-reliance on special effects, one of the worst sex scene/montages in film history, too much techno music, too much philosophy, and too much Keanu Reeves. Especially too much Keanu Reeves.

Morpheus: Tonight, let us shake this cave!!!!

6. Jaws 2 (1978)

After the colossal success that was “Jaws,” I suppose you had to make a sequel to it, and although this movie has one of the best taglines in film history (“Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water …”), it still is one of the worst sequels of all time. The shock factor of the shark scenes have become cliché by this point and the emphasis on the film was focused on Chief Brody’s stupid brat kids who get stranded in a sailboat whilst the shark encircles them. This makes the viewer root for the shark to eat said brat kids. You also hope that the spirit of Robert Shaw as Quint the Shark Hunter is going to show up to give Brody some spiritual advice, but he does not, which leaves the viewer with this mess of a film. I guess the reason why “Jaws 2” isn’t as fairly maligned as it should be is because of the horrendous films that followed in the series: “Jaws 3-D” and “Jaws: The Revenge.”

Chief Brody: (to the shark) Alright, you big bastard! Come on! I’ve got something for ya’ now! That’s it! Attaboy, come on! Right over here!

5. The Sting II (1983)

OK, here is a list of how to make your sequel automatically suck: release your it 10 years after the first film, don’t get any of the original cast members back, and think that just because it shares a title with one of the most beloved films of all time, people will go to the theater. Well guess what? “The Sting 2” is guilty of all of these things and it sucks. In a bit of puzzling casting, Paul Newman and Robert Redford (who were perfect in the original) are replaced by Jackie Gleason and Mac Davis. Even Robert Shaw is replaced by Oliver Reed. (It appears that the producers decided to cast the next hardest-drinking actor behind Robert Shaw, who had died of drinking by that time.) Also, why would you try and sting the same person again that you did in the first one? Wouldn’t you think that the “stingee” would notice that these were the same guys who were conning him from the first movie? Unfortunately, the film still shows up on cable every now and again, so beware.

4. Highlander 2: The Quickening (1991)

Ok, so in the original “Highlander,” Connor MacLeod (Christopher Lambert) is an immortal who wins the prize of being the top immortal by cutting off the Kurgan’s head and becomes mortal and goes off and lives with his love interest. In “Highlander 2,” it turns out that the immortals are all from a distant planet that neither of them can remember and that MacLeod was not the one who won the prize and, in fact, there are other immortals about ready to fight MacLeod to win it. Combine this with bad special effects (even for the time), the fact that Sean Connery returns after his character was killed in “Highlander,” and an absurd plot line about the Ozone layer depleting (hey, at least it was prophetic), and you have “Highlander 2”: a giant colossal piece of crap. Russell Mulcahy (the first film’s director and this film’s director) walked out of the premiere and put together a new cut of the film called The Renegade Version, which basically got rid of all the elements about immortals being from space….but even The Renegade Version is still crap. This quote basically sums up the entire film:

Louise Marcus: Okay, now let me just see if I can get this straight. You come from another planet, and you’re mortal there, but you’re immortal here until you kill all the guys from there who have come here … and then you’re mortal here … unless you go back there, or some more guys from there came here, in which case you become immortal here … again.
Connor MacLeod: Something like that.

3. Blues Brothers 2000 (1998)

Ok, I’ll give Dan Aykroyd and John Landis some credit, at least they wanted to press on with the characters and take the series in a new direction, but it’s hard to do it when two of the most iconic actors in the series are dead. Seriously, this film is so unfunny that you would rather have a pineapple violently inserted up your nose then having to sit through just a minute of this movie. The sad part about this is that it appears as though Aykroyd was hoping that this would hopefully restart the series, but there’s just one problem: The Blues Brothers are not The Blues Brothers without John Belushi or Cab Calloway and trying to move on without them was a horrible mistake.

Elwood: Uh, ma’am, we’re the Blues Brothers. We do blues, rhythm & blues, jazz, funk, soul. We can handle rock, pop, country, heavy metal, fusion, hip hop, rap, Motown, operetta, show tunes. In fact, we’ve even been called upon, on occasion, to do a polka! However Caribbean is a type of music, I regret to say, which has not been, is simply not, nor will ever be a part of this band’s repertoire.

2. Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005)

The first “Deuce Bigalow” wasn’t going to rewrite film history, but at least it was mindless entertainment for an hour and 40 minutes with some good scenes. This movie, however, is terrible. The script appears to be written by a bunch of hormonally crazed 15-year-olds who don’t know anything about sex. The stereotypes are rampant and typical (woman from Chernobyl has penis for a nose, Dutch people are portrayed smoking weed, etc.), and the fact that this is a Rob Schneider movie make this film absolutely one of the worst movies I have ever seen. If you ever want your significant other to break up with you, plop this in the DVD player and watch.

Heinz Himmler: I am Heinz Hummer. I’m the gigolo with the most below. Okay? I can give you a Filthy Lopez like you never had before. I could give you a Cambodian Creamsicle… that will make you scream all night. Okay? But not now because I’m busy. So leave me alone, bitch.

1. Caddyshack 2 (1988)

Oh god, this movie is quite possibly the worst movie I’ve ever seen. Every committable offense you could make in a sequel is made: No original cast members (with the exception of Chevy Chase, who basically took the money and ran), a bad script, and the fact that none of the cast members appear to be interested at all make this film so very horrid. Jackie Mason, Robert Stack, and Dan Aykroyd are poor substitutes for Rodney Dangerfield, Ted Knight, and Bill Murray–and you know you have a problem when this movie is rated PG, and the gopher is the most compelling character. Now, excuse me while I put in the original “Caddyshack” and try and forget about “Caddyshack 2.”

Capt. Tom Everett: If I pull the arrow out, will you p-please s-suck out the poison?
Ty Webb: Let me get this straight. You pull it out, I suck. Is there any money in it for me?

Tags: 10, all-time, awful, bad, ever, film, films, list, movie, movies, sequels, ten, terrible, top, Top 10 Worst Sequels, Worst

The opinions of Top 10 Movies Ruined by a Female Presence author Warren J. Cantrell do not reflect the opinions of anyone at Scene-Stealers and it was not written by Eric Melin, despite was the posting above says. I just posted it is all. In fact, I like to think of Warren’s writing voice as a kind of parody-inspired Stephen Colbert, except more geared toward the Uber-male demographic. If you have a Top 10 list of your own you’d like to submit, send it to eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Warren:

Recently, I wrote a list recognizing the heavenly glory that encompasses Danny Glover’s piece de resistance: “Predator 2.” I noted in one of my proofs of its superiority to all other Predator films that what bolstered the movie’s stock was a conspicuous lack of important female characters. I cannot stress enough how important it is to cleanse films of all female influence when pushing for a balls-to-the-wall action kill-fest. Both history and current-events don’t lie: women aren’t nearly as gun-crazy or cinematically brutal as men. For this reason, the fairer sex should be left out of films that cater to this particular section of the movie-going public. Yes, dear friends, in these hard economic times, I fear we will see an ever-increasing tendency to cross-market, forcing the upcoming remakes of “Robocop” and “The A-Team” (yeah, you heard me) to cast female counterparts to draw in the precious 18-35 female demographic. Here’s a list about what could have been had the following films taken note of such brilliant contributions as the aforementioned “Predator 2,” “The Wild Bunch” (women in that film drop like flies), and “Lawrence of Arabia” (just try to find a female speaking role). You might argue (and quite correctly) that some of the following films were not necessarily made to be relentless butcher pics, yet can you imagine what would have happened if they’d have removed the women, and let the natural course of man take charge? I can…

10. Independence Day (1996)

This one makes it onto the list, but just barely. “Independence Day” is a movie that’s so wholeheartedly awful that even if all female characters were (justifiably) removed from the screenplay, the movie would still struggle to keep itself afloat in the realm of watchable. But like many on this list, I ask you to look beyond what this film gave you, and peer into what might have been. So: Aliens invade Earth, Normandy-style, and it’s up to the air force to meet the threat in the skies above, fighting for what could be an entire third of the movie in a seemingly never-ending dogfight sequence (this aspect of the film was far too short). This is all aside from the fact that the movie completely neglected the possibilities afforded to a sub-plot/action sequence following the land invasion (which never happened)! Come on! That pretty much writes itself. Cast Denzel Washington as a ruthless Marine colonel leading his men to victory against an alien horde without air support for the first time in their history. Discard Jeff Goldblum’s and Bill Pullman’s romantic subplots, keep the story focused on the air, land, and space battles, and you’ve got a tidy, raucous 110 or so minutes of pure, undiluted action.

9. Crocodile Dundee (1986)

Who said this movie had to be a romantic comedy? The potential and ingredients are there, to be sure, so why was this so unrecognizably mangled? Well, check that, I think we all know why (immediate romantic interest insertion), but why did it have to happen this way? Couldn’t it have been a male reporter from New York who started going unnaturally tribal after a few weeks in the bush with Mick, killing poachers with massive fucking Outback knives in defense of the local aborigine broods? Why couldn’t that same reporter (male) have brought the hero back to New York, schooling Mick on the finer points of scoring coke and whores on the upper-east side at 3am? Why didn’t Dundee (Paul Hogan) and the appropriately masculine journalist fail to team up to fight crime and corruption in the Big Apple, double-wielding .45’s and Australian steel? Instead, we’re forced to endure seemingly endless hours of fish-out-of-water romantic fumblings, and a subway finale that could have improved dramatically if it took a page out of “Predator 2’”s playbook (who cares how the other-worldly creature makes it into the plot! Just work it out!).

8. The Breakfast Club (1985)

Nothing calms a bunch of high-school boys down like some ass in the room. Well, wait…let’s expound. True, adding chicks to a situation is usually enough of a catalyst to get shit started between two or more dudes, yet if allowed to remain, women tend to take attention off the pursuits men follow when the opposite sex is absent–mainly, killing and otherwise fucking each other up. When you’re thinking about getting laid, you’re thinking less about how you are going to exact revenge on that dude for looking at you sideways for that one second a few minutes ago. Had Molly Ringwald and Ally Sheedy been introduced, then mercilessly withdrawn as contest-prizes to see which two of the three would henceforth be known as men, a tribal, “Lord of the Flies”-like death match might have ensued within detention (three boys enter, two men leave!). Instead we get a full-circle, introspective look at high-school culture and the awkward gap between adolescence and adulthood. Personally, I would have liked to see Anthony Michael Hall pull the upset on Judd Nelson, matching up with Emilio Estevez in a bare-knuckle brawl to see who walks away with the prom queen. John Hughes, wake the fuck up!

7. King Kong (1933/1975/2005)

In any incarnation, this is a dreadful disappointment. One simple question: do we really NEED a woman for all of this? Why can’t we just get lost, stumble onto an island, wander stupidly around, meet the giant ape-bastard, and let mayhem ensue? Why not bring him back to New York without some stupid, screaming broad, let the fuzzy asshole get loose, and allow him BOTH hands to climb and otherwise screw with the army/national guard? Seriously! What if Kong had that other fist to intercept incoming bogeys with anti-aircraft shit-fire? I’ll tell you what! The finale would have expanded at least another fifteen minutes, and the world would be a better place for it! This film is one of the earliest examples of a movie reaching beyond what was necessary in order to get women off the streets, and into the theater seats. Even though its has seen revision and reinvention over the years, it has sadly not rectified the original mistake.

6. Interview With a Vampire (1994)

While some on this list (current movie included) started their lives on paper rather than celluloid, the fact remains: any number of stories of a motley array of incarnations can quickly dissolve into shit when women are inserted into the plot. For example, this movie gets things going at a fairly brisk pace; we meet our protagonist, get some cool flashbacks about the origins of vampiredom, and immediately get into the day-to-day intricacies of “living” amongst the undead. Sure, the movie veered wildly off course by not going into further depth about how cool the life of an immortal could be (why no World War I or II scenes for fuck’s sake?), yet give credit where due: The movie takes a left turn off the shit-cliff only after Kirsten Dunst comes into the picture. Indeed, rather than explore the nuts and bolts of the vampire-community-at-large (cruelly hinted at yet, never adequately explored), we are given a female lead to derail what might have been a most superb vampire experience. So thank you, Kirsten, as well as the author of this craptastic nightmare (also a woman from what I hear), you took the guts out of a truly awesome idea, and stuffed it instead with tampons and lipstick: well done!

5. Dances With Wolves (1990)

This is the first Civil War entry on the list, but it won’t be the last, I assure you. That more movies do not harvest this seemingly endless crop of wickedly awesome possibilities is a friggin’ mystery to me. This film is off to a good, manly start, throwing the audience directly into the armpit of a Civil War field hospital right as the protagonist is about to get his goddamned leg hacked off. This is followed by an escape from the same hospital, an absurdly Herculean cavalry charge, and a recklessly unexplained descent into hostile Indian country. While slowing its roll a bit after this, one might still hold out hope for a blood-letting of Roman, maybe even Biblical proportions from such a start. That is until Stands With a Fist (Mary McDonnell) entered the film, and ruined everything that might have been. Sure enough, as soon as the hero catches sight of her, everything that was hard about the film dies (ironic, no?), and descends into a shadow of its former self. What if John Dunbar (Kevin Costner) instead joins the Sioux, goes completely native, begins overtaking Midwestern wagon trains having become irreversibly addicted to the thrill of the hunt, and carries scalps at his belt. I could keep going with ideas with the awesome premise I’ve provided, but we must save room for an even greater Civil War disgrace…

4. Cold Mountain (2003)

Another Civil War entry, yet slightly higher on the list because of the appalling waste of potential afforded to a film with twice the special effects capabilities as “Dances With Wolves.” The opening is rock solid, turning down the suck to almost inaudible levels with a fairly faithful re-creation of one of the most FUBAR military operations in recorded history. For the first fifteen or so minutes, we get cleanly shot 19th-century mayhem, watching with giddy terror as the director thrusts the audience into one of the most crucial moments during the siege of Petersburg and the Civil War at large. Then what? Flashbacks, introspective character development, personal transformations, and fucking Nicole Kidman and Renee Zellweger! I would even forgive (begrudgingly) a movie for moving its story away from all the awesome promise of a Civil War battle epic to explore the terrible underbelly of a homefront terrified into hostile submission. Yet even here, the movie can’t help but to drift back to its female subplots, even when focusing on a man who somehow can’t resist bringing some stupid woman to mind every five seconds.

3. Superman (1978)

In any version or sequel, this particular superhero immediately signs his nuts over to the bond company, never to see them again. While many of his contemporaries are victims of the same crime (Spider-Man, Hulk, and even Batman in some versions, to name a few), repeatedly ruining otherwise decent films with female diversions in an absurd attempt to pad ticket sales and/or create a false sense of urgency, I’ve come to expect more from the Man of Steel. This guy isn’t some human with a vigilante streak or even some bumbling virgin with new-found powers: he’s a fucking alien whose abilities practically make him God on Earth. This fact alone allows for practically endless action-sequence possibilities involving combines, nuclear warheads, and great white sharks. While given tastes at times, these scenes always come to the audience in measured doses, as if the producers are afraid too much of the good stuff will paralyze the public into a coma of suspended awesome-shock. I issue this challenge to Bryan Singer: Give me a Superman movie without Lois Lane, and in return I will guarantee ticket sales in excess of $90 million the opening weekend. Seriously, I will cover the difference if it doesn’t meet or surpass that: That’s how sure I am that subtracting Lois and replacing her with relentless action will work. Need ideas for the script to make this happen? Just give me a call, Bryan, we can work this all out.

2. Every New Star Wars Film of the Last 10 Years

If I have to explain this to you, you shouldn’t even be reading this, you should be at a hardware store, buying the cheapest implements possible to castrate or otherwise sanitize yourself to keep from spreading your filth into the general population. True, Lucas and company didn’t exactly re-invent the cinematic wheel the first few times around, yet there was room to forgive since they were kind of making it up as they went along, inventing a new genre and franchise sub-division each step of the way. That Lucas fucked this up with all the money and optimism generated by the first three installments is and shall henceforth be listed in Webster’s under “Fuck-up.” True, Jar-Jar didn’t help, but that bastard was simply the cherry on top of an otherwise crapilicious shit sundae, begat in earnest by Natalie Portman. Again, though Hayden Christensen provided ample assistance, as did Jar-Jar before him, it was Portman and the relentless focus on a relationship nobody gave two shits about that drove this calamity into the side of the fucking mountain. That each film had a potent taste of awesome only made it worse, brief glimpses of Jedi duels and massive set-piece battles quickly brushed aside so that Anakin and Padme could stare longingly into each other’s eyes. Congrats, George, you’ve officially pissed your entire legacy down your leg. Where are you going to go? Disneyland? (My vote? Dr. Kevorkian’s trailer.)

1. Romeo & Juliet (1968/1996)

A friend of mine once told me that this is also a book, but I’ll check into that later. I’ve seen a couple different versions of this movie, and each time I keep hoping that a forward-thinking director with an actual pair between his legs will get a hold of this script and do it right. Again, like so many films on this list, the opening hits with such promise! You feel almost doubly betrayed at the cinematic cock-tease, having to endure not only a piece-of-shit movie, but also the stinging loss of what might very well have been. Seriously, it takes this movie all of two minutes to introduce some toughs and immediately get them fighting with the other gang’s crew. No set up, no character development: just jawing and dudes from both sides ripping out iron and stabbing at each other for glory, honor, and bitten thumbs. We get to our main character eventually, and with no lack of glee as we hear he’s just broken up with his girlfriend, falsely enticing the audience into believing we’re about to enter a revenge-heavy therapy-kill-fest. But no–true to real life, the whiny bitch that is Romeo immediately gets on the rebound, and drop-kicks the movie into douche-baggery. Not even his friend getting shiv’d by the only badass in Verona (Tybalt is totally hard) is enough to get Romeo to come around for much more than an accidental cry-kill, which he immediately ruins by running off as opposed to setting the corpse of his fallen foe afire, and pissing defiantly on the ashes (he totally should have). Instead, Romeo and his ever-present jail-bait die together, yet somehow alone, deserving every inch of their tragic deaths in order to compensate for ruthlessly lame, uneventful lives.

Tags: 10, best, films, list, movies, no, romantic, subplot, ten, top, Top 10 Movies Ruined by a Female Presence, Top 10 Movies Ruined by Women, Worst

Elliot Kort and Abby Olcese are the Two Awesome Movie Nerds from Lawrence, KS. Once we get the new, completely interactive Scene-Stealers redesign up and running, you can see their reviews here, but for now, check out their YouTube page. If you have a Top 10 list of your own, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s the Two Awesome Movie Nerds counting down their Top 10 Favorite Product Placement Movies:

These films are lumped together for one specific reason: there are too many brands represented to argue that any one of them are the focus point. However, we applaud them for their ability to mock product placement while simultaneously supporting it. Therefore, the Top 10 slots are reserved for product placements so sly, so creative, or so utterly blatant that we can’t help but celebrate them. Each of the following stands alone for its own unique brand of merchandising. And, if you doubt the power of cinematic advertising, check your own collection of stuff and see what overlaps. You might be surprised.

Honorable mentions:
“Zoolander”: Starbucks, Bulova watches, MTV, Aveda, Macintosh computers, Time Magazine
“Josie and the Pussycats”: Target, Tide, McDonald’s, Ford Mustang
“Wayne’s World”: Doritos, Reebok, Pizza Hut, Pepsi

10. Mr. Pibb – “Slither” (2006)

Abby: You know product placement in a movie works when you don’t just remember it, but that movie becomes the reason you like the product. Sure, I drank my share of Mr. Pibb (or “Pibb Extra” as they call it these days) during my childhood. But it was the profanity-laden outburst from Mayor Jack MacReady (perennial bad guy Gregg Henry)  about how much he needed the sugary Dr. Pepper taste-alike (“It’s the only coke I like!” he claims) that placed Mr. Pibb in my soft-drink pantheon. I can’t drink it without thinking about “Slither,” and I can’t watch “Slither” without thinking about Mr. Pibb. Now that’s product placement.

Jack MacReady: Goddamn Brenda exploding like a water balloon, worms driving my friends around like they’re goddamn skin-cars, people are spitting acid at me, turning you into cottage cheese, and now there’s no f@#king goddamn Mr. Pibb?

9. TiVo – “Tropic Thunder” (2008)

Elliot: Seriously, when Matthew McConaughey’s super Hollywood agent Rick Peck runs out of the Laos jungle clutching this digital video recorder for his star client Tugg Speedman (Ben Stiller), you can’t tell me you didn’t wonder just for a second about what you had set to record on your own DVR? And to know that a TiVo can also serve as a deterrent to RPGs? That just makes me all the more likely to buy this particular little black box. Here is a handy little video with every TiVo mention from the “Tropic Thunder” edited down to 1:34. Beware if you haven’t seen the movie cuz it kinda spoils the ending. Seriously.

8. Baby Ruth – “Hellboy” (2004)

Abby: This exceptional bit of product placement shows up right at the beginning, when Professor Broom (John Hurt) offers one to the then-infant Hellboy (later played by Ron Perlman). Now, candy bars as peace offerings show up so often in movies that it’s pretty much a cliché. But I let it slide with this movie, because a) I like Baby Ruths and b) “Hellboy” is badass. If Guillermo Del Toro wants to make Baby Ruth the candy bar of choice for demonic paranormal investigators, so be it. I’ll bite. Here’s a link to suggestions for throwing a Hellboy party. Hint: Bring some Baby Ruths.

7. Barbasol shaving cream – “Jurassic Park” (1993)

Elliot: In this groundbreaking CGI-filled Spielberg epic, the Barbasol can-turned embryo carrier from Dennis Nedry (Wayne Knight, better known as Newman on “Seinfeld”) is the most prominent bit of placement. However, I also contend that water has never received better marketing. The cup of H20, shaken rhythmically by the stomping of a nearby T-Rex, became an instant visual icon of cinema. For years to come, any glass of water pulsating with movement automatically reminds of “Jurassic Park,” even if not initially intended. The joint advertisement of hydration and a silky-smooth shave earn “Jurassic Park” a spot on our list.

6. Converse All-Stars – “I, Robot” (2004)

Abby: I remember when “I, Robot” came out. I had just bought my first pair of Converse hi-tops. Imagine my excitement when I watched the movie and noted “Hey! Will Smith wears Chucks, too!” What’s more, Will Smith’s sneakers aren’t just a cheeky product placement. They are an example of how “old school” he considers himself. Smith’s character only believes in things he thinks will stand the test of time. Robots are not one of these things. Chuck Taylors, on the other hand, have been around since my grandfather was in school, and have survived countless fashion trends over the years. These babies have staying power. Smith’s choice of footwear isn’t just name-dropping. It’s a character trait. Check out some hot Chuck video from “I, Robot.”

5. Geritol - “Quiz Show” (1994)

Elliot: Sure, the quiz show “21” was rigged. Sure, Charles Van Doren cheated on the show by knowing the questions ahead of time. Sure, the tonic-based Geritol (which sponsored the show at the time of the controversy) isn’t on the market nowadays. Nonetheless, the supplement displayed front and center in the Robert Redford-helmed “Quiz Show” harkens to a time when product placement on television meant your product was right out in the open, placed squarely in front of the whirring cameras and eager audiences. Oh, weren’t those the days? Here’s a scene that prominently features Geritol on the podium of the game show (”Twenty-One”). In real life, Geritol’s sales dropped off to pre-show sponsorship levels after the scandal erupted.

4. White Castle – “Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle” (2004)

Abby: This is the best kind of product placement anyone could ask for (unless you don’t enjoy being associated with stoners) because the name of the company is right there in the damn title of the film! The movie has a spot in the “White Castle Hall of Fame” section of the White Castle website, so I’m going to assume those guys were down with the shout out. It had been years since I’d last heard of or even thought about White Castle burgers before this movie came out. After its release, I had to give them a try. I did. They’re pretty bad. But I guess if you’ve got the late-night munchies, they’ll do.

3. Wonder Bread – “Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby” (2006)

Elliot: I can hear the disagreement already. “Shouldn’t ‘Talladega Nights’ only get an honorable mention? I mean, Jesus, did you SEE all of those brands?” Yes, fair reader, I hear your gripe. However, the film’s main product (emblazoned on the hood of Ricky Bobby’s stock car) is undeniable. This film doesn’t feature product placement. It beats you over the head with it at every breakneck turn.

Abby (sorry, had to comment!): So do Fig Newtons, but I guess Wonder Bread counts more because it’s on Ricky Bobby’s uniform.

Elliot: To redirect, we must also acknowledge the most aggressive advertisement ever: “Hi, this is Ricky Bobby. If you don’t chew Big Red, then f*@# you!!”

2. Ray Ban sunglasses – “Men in Black” (1997)

Elliot: As we approach the top of the list, we must pay homage to the fusion of product placement and story development. Case in point: “Men in Black.” As soon as those Ray Ban shades become a tool of the alien-policing trade instead of just a simple accessory, the film becomes the perfect intersection of art and commerce. Is this good? Is this bad? It depends on whom you ask. But I think we can all agree that (at least in this instance), it’s a pretty seamless marriage.

1. Reese’s Pieces – “E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial” (1982)

Abby: Remember what I said earlier about candy bars as peace offerings? This movie is the reason that cliché exists. Steven Spielberg’s iconic movie made Reese’s Pieces the official candy of intergalactic friendship. Forget M&Ms. Aliens don’t go in for that crap. It’s all about the peanut butter. Mars, Inc. really missed the boat when they passed on the chance to put M&Ms in the movie. The reasons why aren’t clear, but whatever they might have been, Hershey foods benefited mightily from the tie-in. From Time magazine that year: “Reese’s Pieces, a steady but unspectacular-selling brand of candy, has blossomed into an unexpected summer hit. Sales of the peanut butter-flavored candy shot up 65% in June after the release of ‘E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial,’ which is filling movie theaters at a record clip.” Watch Elliott (Henry Thomas) lure E.T. with Reese’s Pieces right here.

Tags: 10, ads, advertisements, best, commercials, films, in, list, movie, movies, pieces, Placement, Product, ray ban, reese's, top, white castle, Worst

We all know Hollywood has a shortage of new ideas, which is why consistently popular franchises become so valuable. It’s not even the end of May yet, and already this year has produced sequels and reboots “The Pink Panther 2,” “Friday the 13th,” “The Last House on the Left,” “Crank: High Voltage,” “Angels & Demons,” and “Star Trek.” The sequel opening this weekend is “Terminator Salvation,” and it’s the fourth movie in the Terminator franchise. If history is any indication, don’t expect much from it, because the fourth movie almost always sucks. Already this year, we’ve had such fourth-in-franchise treats like “Madea Goes to Jail,” “Fast & Furious,” and “X-Men Origins: Wolverine.” Ugh.

In fact, fourth films are typically so bad that I can barely recommend any of the movies on this list wholeheartedly. In other words, this list—for the most part—sucks. These are the best fourth-in-a-series films I could dig up. The rest are even worse. Why bother with a list of paltry returns, you may ask? Let’s just say it was to prove a point. Here then, are the Top 10 Best Fourth Movies in a Franchise. If you have your own idea for a Top 10 list, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com.

10. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005)

With a little hindsight, I may be able to say now that the worst movie of the Harry Potter series suffered more than a little bit from having to follow the best (“Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban”). Even at a long 157 minutes, it still feels incomplete. It’s too episodic and clunky, and the three leads are mired in much teenage angst but without any of the details to make the audience feel it. Whereas “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” had the ingenuity to elevate teenage insecurity literally to the end of the world, “Goblet of Fire” throws in a couple sullen faces and lightning-fast character turnarounds that don’t make sense. For the first time, you get the feeling that characters are doing things only because that’s what they did in the book, and that’s a bad sign.

9. Sudden Impact (1983)

Most people probably assume that Clint Eastwood’s badass detective Harry Callahan uttered his catch phrase “Go ahead, make my day” during his first onscreen appearance in 1971’s “Dirty Harry.” Not true. It was in this fourth franchise pic—the first one in seven years and the highest grossing one ever—that Harry shot three young black men holding up a diner and stopped a fourth from taking a hostage with those famous words. By 1983, the formerly conflicted cop of the first three 70s films had given way to a Reagan-era conservatism that saw the audience rooting for Harry and his one-man fight against crime without any reservations. The phrase was such a hit that T.G. Sheppard recorded a country song called “Make My Day” featuring Eastwood samples and President Reagan used the line in a speech threatening to veto tax-raising legislation. What a cad. This movie makes the list on cultural impact only, even if it was a sad comment on where the country stood at the time.

8. Bride of Chucky (1998)

“Bride of Chucky” is here to represent all of the horror series that keep going into production because people keep renting crappy scary movies at video stores and these cheap-o franchises are the first ones they grab. (I know because I worked at one.) Like “Sudden Impact,” this film was the most financially successful of any in the series and it had been many years (eight to be exact) since the last movie in the franchise (“Child’s Play 3”). “Bride of Chucky” was as apt to make fun of itself as Chucky the evil doll was to stab someone repeatedly in the chest. That’s why it’s on the list. That and Jennifer Tilly. “Bride of Chucky” is a winking tribute to tons of other horror films, and a pretty sardonically funny one at that. In that respect alone, it towers over yawner fourth franchise films like “A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master,” “Children of the Corn IV: The Gathering,” “Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers,” “Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter,” “Saw IV,” and “Tremors 4: The Legend Begins.”

7. The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)

Although it involves puppetry, this is about as far from Chucky as it gets. Muppets creator Jim Henson died unexpectedly in 1990, so it was his son Brian Henson who directed this musical retelling of the classic Charles Dickens novel. The Muppets are their usual charming selves, even if they don’t do anything too different or exciting with this familiar story. Kermit the Frog (no longer voiced by Jim Henson and, dammit, it’s just not the same!) is Bob Cratchit and Michael Caine is Scrooge. Originally it was to be a made-for-TV event in 1991, but the budget and script grew bigger, so the Walt Disney Company released it in theaters the following Christmas holiday to little fanfare. Disney eventually bought The Muppets in 2004, and “I Love You, Man” star Jason Segel (who sang with his own Dracula puppet in “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”) is currently writing a new Muppet adventure for the studio as you read this. Sweet.

6. Thunderball (1965)

Did somebody ask for an overly long action film with groan-inducing dialogue? Good, because I’m skipping the anti-Communist propaganda of “Rocky IV” and the fetishized violence of 2008’s fourth “Rambo” movie (both of which fit that bill perfectly) in favor of this silly British import, which found Sean Connery’s James Bond at the height of his popularity. You couldn’t get much bigger than Bond in 1965 (only “The Sound of Music” and “Doctor Zhivago” topped it at the box office that year), and “Thunderball” took the British spy underwater for many protracted fight scenes and one particularly bad standout one-liner, which Connery delivered after shooting a bad guy with a spear gun: “I believe he got the point.” Oh yeah, and did I mention the jet pack?

5. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999)

We’re halfway through the list of the BEST fourth movies in a franchise, and we’re merely cracking the tip of movies I’d recommend with reservations. That’s how disappointing fourth films can be. The hype was unbelievable. There was no way George Lucas could approach the greatness of a series beloved by young fans and overgrown boys everywhere. So he didn’t. Lucas’ fourth “Star Wars” film (I don’t care that it’s the first one chronologically in the timeline, it’s still the fourth one to hit theaters, and that’s the whole point of this list!) was a crushing disappointment, featuring everything from pesky midi-chlorians that take all the fun out of the Force to weirdly obvious racial stereotypes in alien characters (Watto the hook-nosed “Jewish” miser, a Stepin Fetchit-like Jar Jar Binks whose Gungun tribe throws spears). Even much-hyped Time magazine coverboy Darth Maul was only in the film for about fifteen minutes! On the other hand, as Kevin Smith’s animated “Clerks” series declared during a Lucas trial for offenses against the “Star Wars” community: “The pod race was pretty cool.”

4. Live Free or Die Hard (2007)

What made the first “Die Hard” such a great action movie is that we rooted for Bruce Willis’ underdog detective John McClane with every fiber of our being. After getting in an unresolved argument with his estranged wife, he spent the next two hours wise-cracking his way through hostage situations, gun fights, explosions, and running on broken glass with bare feet. We liked this guy. Well, he’s more than a bit crotchety 19 years later, and although the suspense isn’t nearly as tightly managed as it is in the original, the story is personal again, coming down to McClane having to save his daughter from a hostage situation. Between the setup and the climax, however, are all manner of ridiculously fun action scenes like McClane sending a police car zooming over a tollbooth to destroy a helicopter, fighting a beautiful female assassin while hanging precariously in an elevator shaft, and dismantling a moving military jet with his bare hands. Just typing that last sentence makes me laugh.

3. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)

I’ll admit it took a little time for the nostalgic sheen to wear off of this one. Even with all it’s flaws, it’s still good enough to place at #3. (Guess there’s not a lot of competition.) The fourth Lucas-Spielberg Indiana Jones collaboration reunites Harrison Ford and Karen Allen but forgets the chemistry. It also puts Indy on another far-out supernatural journey but forgets the suspense. The plot is all over the place, and although the idea of the crystal skull and an ancient alien race was cool in theory, it was handled about as poorly as you can get. Also, any movie that wastes the talents of Cate Blanchett is suspect as well. (I’m looking at you too, “Button”!) Regardless, it’s a more watchable affair than the mostly sedate “Phantom Menace” and some of its set pieces (the atomic testing scene, the library chase) are absolute screams. Isn’t it funny how we’re in the Top 3 now and I still can’t even recommend one of these films without some serious reservations? Yikes.

2. Land of the Dead (2005)

Zombie master George Romero took 10 years between 1968’s “Night of the Living Dead” and “Dawn of the Dead,” seven years between that and 1985’s “Day of the Dead,” and a whopping 20 years between that and 2005’s “Land of the Dead.” The timing was right, after zombie successes “28 Days Later,” Zack Snyder’s “Dawn of the Dead” remake, and the comedic tribute “Shaun of the Dead,” for the writer/director to return to the genre he pioneered. Romero chose that moment to make his most overtly political film, criticizing the Bush administration’s growing isolationism both abroad and within the our own borders by featuring a hopped-up Dennis Hopper (who doesn’t negotiate with terrorists) in a glass-encased “city of the privileged” called Fiddler’s Green. Guess who’s coming to dinner? It’s not Sidney Poitier, ha! Romero also continued the slow evolution of zombies that has been consistent throughout the series, giving them the ability to learn from mistakes and have a little somewhat advanced thought. It’s not a perfect movie, with some stagey moments and corny dialogue, but it’s a hell of a lot better than 2008’s disappointing and desperate-to-be-relevant “Diary of the Dead.” Let’s hope the one he’s making now (currently in postproduction) brings back the biting satire of the first four.

1. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (1986)

Wow, what a coincidence. This series is a bit in the news right now, isn’t it? While “Leprechaun 4: In Space” went spaceward with its characters, director Leonard Nimoy’s “Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home” brought Spock (Nimoy), Captain Kirk (William Shatner), and the rest of the starship Enterprise from outer space back home to Earth—in 1986 San Francisco. What this movie has in common with its 2009 reboot is a seriously funny sense of humor. After the dreary “Star Trek III: The Search for Spock,” Nimoy took the franchise in a different direction completely, fitting in an environmentally friendly message (the crew is trying to save the humpback whales!) and using the longtime actors and their beloved characters to their fullest fish-out-of-water (no pun intended) capacity. As silly as it is, it’s well-intentioned, efficiently plotted, and—did I mention?—pretty damn funny. That’s more than I can say for the unfortunate fourth Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase) film, 1997’s “Vegas Vacation.”

Well, that’s it—that’s as good as fourth movies get. What a fine legacy “Terminator Salvation” has to live up to. What do you think? Coming up with 10 good ones was rough. Did I miss any?

Tags: 10 fourth, best, films, list, movies, series, ten, top, Top 10 Best Fourth Movies in a Franchise, Top Ten Best Fourth Movies in a Franchise, Worst

Warren J. Cantrell is a writer based out of Seattle, WA. In his email to us, he listed his interests/likes as skydiving, boat racing, bull fighting, midget wrestling, and generally staying as extreme as possible. He described himself (seriously) as “a long-gone-daddy standing seven and a half feet tall with a chin as mighty as any on Rushmore, calves like cinder blocks, with ten feet of #*&@, and two buckets of *@#&.” (Censored for effect in the intro here, but Warren’s story is censor-free! Read on.) He is also the first Scene-Stealers sitegoer to write a Top 10 list about ONE MOVIE, a 1990 Arnold Schwarzenegger-less sequel at that. This Top 10 is also notable for its creation of the past-tense word “wad-shot.” Love it.

Here’s Warren with the Top 10 Reasons “Predator 2” Is the Best of the “Predator” Franchise:

10. Danny Glover

While many might maintain (and with little argument from the majority) that this film was but a diversification attempt at a resume which had, up to this point, disgustingly few “Alien”-themed roles: look deeper. Not only is D. Glove ripped as shit for this role (an obvious sign of Arnold-like commitment to some serious other-world ethnic cleansing) his mere presence in the film is enough to draw out the Captain from “Lethal Weapon” in a bit part as the SWAT Team Commando (check the credits, yeah, that’s Steve Kahan). In short, Danny Glover and the script were so awesome that people obviously had a line forming to the left to get in on “Predator 2”—this miracle of cinema.

9. The Setting

While a group of commandos gone missing in Central America has its charms, let’s be honest: We all wanted to see ol’ pussy-face go crazy in South Central, raising indiscriminate hell with both the bloods and crips. While the script goes a bit off-course with a curious cartel war between the Jamaicans and Columbians (ah, the 90s!), the fact remains that the possibilities were endless. What if we want to break the tension by inserting Final Jeopardy music and an old woman stalking the antagonist with a broom? No problem. What if we want to introduce a spurious car-chase scene to prep the finale? Check. What if we want to use that bad-ass trumpet music to underscore another death, yet need an urban cemetery to set up the shot? Piece of cake. That every “Predator” movie since has not taken place in a bustling metropolis is a tragic crime.

8. Lack of Creativity

Nothing ruins a movie like a plot that’s too damn creative for its own good. In a Predator film, there’s only a few necessary ingredients—all other contributions are a threat to a perfect formula. These necessities are: a generous body count, an impeccably masculine lead, and few if any breaks in the action (which should remain human v. alien-based). That’s it. No need to earnestly delve into secondary characters or get creative with the deeper meaning or context of who is right, wrong, evil, or good (seriously, I mean, they actually teamed the Predator up WITH the hero in “Alien vs. Predator”? What the crap?). Let’s keep it simple: a badass runs afoul of an alien during an intergalactic slaughter-vacation—violence ensues. Don’t fix things that aren’t broken.

7. The Final Showdown

While Arnold gets extra points in his column for his monstrous, mud-covered, torch-in-hand battle-cry prior to the final duel in 1987’s “Predator,” D. Glove once again takes it a step further. If observed from a distance, few can argue that the finale of “Predator 2” takes its predecessor’s best intentions and accomplishments, and absolutely beats them into a fever. Arnold covered all of 100 square yards from end-to-end in his battle while the sequel takes extra advantage of roughly 40 city blocks, including a slaughterhouse (extra awesome points for that alone), and ending at last in an underground subway/hobo sanctuary. Spielberg, Scorsese, Coppola, all of the greats learned a valuable lesson from this film: If given the chance to chase an alien, use as much real-estate as possible!

6. The Subway

While already mentioned in regards to setting, this particular sequence deserves its own discussion, as there’s too much awesome to reign in with this category. Not only does this section of the film kick off the ensuing climax (pretty much the last half of the movie), it houses probably the greatest killing in film history. What do you do after you and every other armed patron of the underground-long-bus unloads all 47 dozen rounds to no effect? I’ll tell you what, you pick up a 2 ft. machete (who cares why it’s there, it is!), squint into the coming darkness, and repeat Bill Paxton’s greatest line of the film: “Come on, motherfucker! Let’s dance!” I still weep every time I watch this scene; the purity of manliness simply too much to bear.

5. Conspicuous Lack of Important Female Characters

Just because Ridley Scott and James Cameron miraculously pulled it off doesn’t mean it’s a formula for success. “Predator 2” keeps the camera and the action rooted in what invariably puts movies in the “awesome” column: Male, no-nonsense hot-heads that play by their own rules and the bloodthirsty seven-plus-ft.-tall space creatures they are chasing. Period. End of story. No sideplots about deeper emotional involvement or budding romantic chemistry. The one female character with more than two minutes of screen time is utilized as an ancillary plot-filler to keep the audience busy while D. Glove’s crew is slowly reduced to naught. The moment her character is given even the slightest depth (we find out Maria Conchita Alonso is pregnant), she is immediately crammed into a waiting ambulance, never to be seen again. After I’m done writing this, I’m penning a note to the producers of “Predator 2” thanking them for their courage and foresight, and will forward a copy to every piece-of-shit Hollywood hack that force-feeds romantic involvement and R-to-PG-13 editing adjustments.

4. Increased Violence Levels

While credit should be given where due (The first “Predator” was violent as fuck), “Predator 2” takes murder, mutilation, and torture to new heights. The assault on the prison camp at the beginning of “Predator” certainly deserves a nod for a sustained orgy of automatic gunfire and death, yet like so many to have come before and since, the movie finds itself wad-shot and out of spooge for the remainder of the picture. Sure, over 60 seconds of jungle blind-firing and a one-armed Apollo Creed spice things up later, but the body count is suspiciously low for the second half of 1987’s “Predator.” In “Predator 2,” we get an open-air police v. cartel gunfight, drug kingpin torture and mutilation, a subway holocaust, and special government ops dudes in a veritable frozen limb pile. This is all aside from the fact that D. Glove finishes the goddamned Predator off in #2 with a spinning dagger-blade-thing as opposed to letting the slimy space-cunt finish the job off itself. That each new Predator installment should incrementally increase the violence level ought to be written into the franchise contract, something this film took to heart. [Special note/evidence: “Predator 2” had to re-edit roughly 20 times to get an R rating, as it was originally slapped with an NC-17.]

3. A Promise of Good Things To Come
Never has a film said so much with so little. As many noticed in the years between “Predator 2” and the abortion that would come to fruition as “Alien Vs. Predator,” once Glover’s character is aboard the Predator’s vessel near the end of the movie, an Alien skull is visible on the trophy mantle. With this second or two of screen time, endless possibilities grew into realistic promise. And not in an amateur “the movie is over, but here’s a quick teaser clip” moment either, but with a subtle, silent image that opened up a universe of awesome sequel/prequel scenarios. It would be over a decade until this promise was ruined by an absolute shit-storm of bad leads and even worse acting. Personally, when I go to sleep at night, I like to pretend that “Predator 2” really was the last film in the franchise thus far, and that if one waits long enough, the true promise of “Alien vs. Predator” will be fulfilled.

2. The Perfect Storm of Awesome: Busey and Paxton

Let’s face it, Christmas only comes once a year, and while birthdays, the Fourth of July, and St. Patty’s provide wonderfully reliable excuses to drink and celebrate the awesomeness of awesome, the best gifts always come at the end of December. That this movie provided the union of two of the greatest forces on the planet is—to use a tired expression—the gift that keeps giving. Gary Busey and Bill Paxton in the same movie: What took so long? The inclusion of either is usually enough to elevate a mediocre movie into Oscar-contention, that this film threw two extra logs on the fire makes this one of the biggest award snubs in all of history. Academy: For shame!

1. A Moment of Honor

Who saw this coming? In the original, the villainous creature is so disgusted with the dishonor of miserable defeat, it kills itself rather than further advance humiliation. This is understandable, and worthy of a man-nod (it would be like you getting out-thought and killed by the scheming deer you were hunting, and all of your friends finding out later because the news made it large as a humorous aside on Letterman). In the glorious sequel, the Predator attempts the seppuku-like maneuver, yet can’t even get THIS right, losing an arm in the attempt. I’d like to think that it was this kind of dumb-fuckery that convinced the Predator Council at the end to spare D. Glove rather than exacting vengeance for butchering one of their own. Surely, had a puny 20th century human bushwhacked a Predator heavy, the ending would have been drastically different, our proud hero losing his skull and skin in a Hollywood minute in a reflexive act of revenge. Yet somehow the good lieutenant found the sweet spot, killing a sturdy Predator (yet obviously one not well-liked by its peers, as it seems enough respect got conveyed that the Predators understood killing a man as rock-solid as D. Glove would be a tragedy in any universe). As if signaling to the audience that a worthy installment had just entered the holy lexicon, the Predator Council lets the hero walk, even tossing a stupid human weapon/keepsake as if to state, “Good job on this one. Take this for later: You’ve earned a return visit.” Indeed D. Glove and company did. This cannot be said, however, for those who would follow.

Tags: 10, Alien, aliens, best, film, franchise, list, movie, predator, reasons, series, ten, top, Top 10 Lists, Top 10 Reasons Predator 2 Is the Best of the “Predator”, top ten, vs. predators, Worst

“Best Worst Movie” is the documentary about the phenomenon of “Troll 2,” widely regarded as the worst movie ever made. Eric caught up with director Michael Paul Stephenson, star George Hardy, and Zack Carlson from Austin, Texas’ Alamo Drafthouse at the world premiere of “Best Worst Movie” at SXSW 2009. This in-depth interview was recorded directly after the premiere, just as George Hardy and Zack Carlson had seen the film for the first time. “Best Worst Movie” is currently making the rounds at film festivals across the country, and there are plenty of clips from both “Best Worst Movie” and the cult classic that spawned it, “Troll 2,” in this video. Learn more about “Troll 2” director Claudio Fragasso and his feelings about how “Troll 2” has been received and hear about a trip to mysterious “Troll 2” star Margo Prey’s house in this interview as well. Nilbog fanatics unite! “Best Worst Movie” is currently playing at film festivals everywhere.

Read Eric’s original journal entry about “Best Worst Movie” from SXSW 2009 here.

Tags: 2, 2009, Alamo, austin, best, Best Worst Movie, clips, documentary, drafthouse, george, hardy, interview, Michael, movie, paul, premiere, Stephenson, SXSW, Texas, troll, Troll 2, Worst