Frequent Top 10 Scene-Stealers contributor Warren J. Cantrell has an interesting Top 10 for you today that was inspired by the death of J.D. Salinger last week. You can see more of Warren’s Top 10s at his site 10rant.com. If you have a list you’d like to send us, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Warren:

What is it about the writer archetype that stokes the unconventional corners of our collected imaginations? One would think that since it’s the script’s author that controls the tone and presentation of all characters in a film, that you’d see writers pop up in movies against what is now the norm: essentially a twisted shadow of humanity just barely clinging to a semblance of normalcy. Really, though, that’s the way writers like it. Nobody wants to be a part of an ordinary, forgettable caste of artists with no real distinction or opportunity for glory.

While it’s true that not every writer nurtures borderline personality disorders and strange emotional ticks, any person willing to spend the majority of their time alone with their imagination rather than with others is a person on a different clock. And though every writer isn’t a shut-in with questionable social skills, it’s more entertaining in movies when they follow this stereotype, and writers aren’t shy about playing this up if only to give their profession some kind of kitsch appeal. The recently deceased J.D. Salinger knew how to cultivate this image in the real world, many motion pictures taking note of the confluence of fact and fiction as it concerns the proclivities of writers both in life and in our imaginations. To make this list, the movie-author in question had to be just that, an author.

Thus, no characters were ranked that were, say, screenplay writers (sorry, Barton Fink), newspaper reporters (sorry, Superman), or students working on their term papers (sorry, every movie ever made about college). To make it on the list, the scribbler in contention had to display noticeably peculiar manners combined with some form of disruptive public conduct, for this is what makes a notable cinematic writer in the purest tradition. This eliminated Kathleen Turner from the “Romancing the Stone” series (she was just whiny, not unusually strange, really) and Peppard’s “Paul” from “Breakfast at Tiffany’s,” who was stupid for giving his heart to a whore but not really unconventional. I almost ranked Depp’s performance in “Secret Window,” but let’s be honest: that was a shitty movie, and Col. Depp gave us a far better cinematic writer (see #4 below). Finally, Emma Thompson’s Karen Eifel from “Stranger Than Fiction” just barely missed the cut, her finicky proclivities nowhere near as troublesome the ones that belonged to…

10. Michael Douglas’ Prof. Grady Tripp from “Wonder Boys” (1999)

It’s so rare to catch a glimpse of an author character in a picture who isn’t beset by some problem (or series of problems) that keeps them from getting their story out. I don’t know about the rest of you struggling ‘I have a real job other than this’ writers out there, but this tends to piss me off. Most people working 9-5 jobs with ambitions of writing full-time would chew off their own toes to get paid to hit the keyboard for their own pleasure. A contented, fulfilled, productive author is a pretty flat character, however, and more often than not, if conflict hovers around them it usually lands on their ability to constructively craft words. Such is the case with Douglas’ Prof. Grady. Despite a sweet-ass college job, book deal, choice bud hook-up, forbidden ass on the side, and young college chicks who worshiped him, the guy still couldn’t seem to get out of a rut. Though his seminal work brought him fame in years long since passed, his follow-up opus was spiraling out of control with no end in sight, the presence of the cushiest job and setup on Earth obviously not enough to get the guy’s creative motor running. It took Hollywood memorabilia larceny, dog assassinations, and sordid adventures with Spider-man (Tobey Maguire) to get ol’ Grady back on track, yet by the end of the film he was in the groove once again and writing productively. While not especially loopy compared to some of the characters to follow, Grady gets points for filling out the typical author mold: cantankerous, ill-at-ease, impossible to please, under the influence, and mysteriously tortured. While none of these things, the next entrant was definitely a diamond in the rough compared to his contemporary peers, the lengths this next guy went to for his story something to behold.

9. Saul Rubinek’s W.W. Beauchamp from “Unforgiven” (1992)

Dime novels were the comic books of the nineteenth century (the second half in particular), and were written almost exclusively by east-coast dandies with only passing knowledge of the “West” and what actually transpired there. As is the case today, the people who wrote fantastic tales of the Western frontier had no tangible experience from which to draw, and created stories reminiscent of chivalrous literary traditions more English in tone than American. Dime novel author Beauchamp is first glimpsed on a train with his guide and biography subject English Bob (Richard Harris), a fantastic circumstance all to itself because these authors rarely left their New York offices, where the lurid adventures were churned out weekly (sometimes daily). Beauchamp didn’t play that shit, though, and preferred instead to jump directly into the deep end. After he watched English Bob get an American nut-stomping, Beauchamp slid over to ally himself with the guy who handed Bob his ass: Gene Hackman’s Little Bill. Seemingly hypnotized by the promise of actual, unfiltered Western truth, Beauchamp hung on Little Bill’s every word, listening as the veteran sheriff explained the realities of a renegade frontier society that rewarded deliberate, level-headed action in the face of incessant brutality and madness. When most writers of the day would have contented themselves with cozy east-coast functions around the soda fountain or gentleman’s club (or whatever the hell men did before television), Beauchamp was in Wyoming tasting the essence of a country’s emerging mythology. Though not terribly fantastic by today’s standards, compared to 19th century norms, Beauchamp was pure gonzo.

8. James Earl Jones’ Terence Mann from “Field of Dreams” (1989)

It’s only fitting that Mr. Jones’ role in this movie get a few moments of discussion in light of J.D. Salinger’s passing last week, for his Terence Mann was simply a fictional composite of Salinger in the novel upon which “Field of Dreams” was based. In that book, Shoeless Joe, the main character was told that he must coerce Salinger out of isolation to get him to perform a number of the same tasks as Mann in the film version. Since James Earl Jones’ character was fictional, the magnitude of Costner’s character getting the author out of his house was somewhat lost, but when taken in the context of the Salinger prototype, the achievement becomes considerably more impressive. By all accounts, Salinger had little use for the outside world and isolated himself against most people he came into contact with, including his family. Terence Mann in this film was cut from a similar block, a writer whose sudden acquisition of fame and influence outstripped the individual’s capacity to meet those growing obligations. Ill-tempered for the level of understanding needed to cope with the expectations of those he had inspired, Mann instead turned away from the audience whose hopes he couldn’t hope to satisfy. Terence Mann represented the misappropriated and commoditized voice that rejects a world that took something unique and beautiful and tried instead to plug it into a one-size-fits-all problem socket. Salinger and Mann represent what can become of shy, sensitive, introspective individuals who are called upon to solve the problems of people who had previously shunned them into being writers in the first place.

7. Chevy Chase’s Andy Farmer from “Funny Farm” (1988)

Ah, now we start getting into the nitty gritty, the truly deplorable and wretched individuals whose dirty, shameful lives naturally lead to the dissemination of sordid tales. Before this film’s reconcile-heavy ending, there were a lot of hard-bitten, honest truths to be found in “Funny Farm” as it pertains to the world of writing. Indeed, the audience could watch as an otherwise normal, sane man was driven to soul-crushing despair as a result of his regrettable profession. You see, some people just eat and breathe writing: it’s pretty much all we can do. Others, however, tinker around with words for a few years, nay, in come cases a lifetime (they are called newspaper writers), yet will never capture the majesty of the experience. The profession can turn on these poor souls, leaving burned out shells in their wake, yet can sometimes turn them into literary titans. Chevy Chase’s character in this film tried to manufacture a book out of his surroundings, moving to the country to get some isolation and fresh air so that the next great American novel might be born. He quickly realized that he lived in a town filled with drunkards, liars, thieves, neurotic psychopaths and scrotum-eaters: and that wasn’t even counting the crazy-as-rat-shit mailman! After losing his dog and the love of his woman, Chevy went a little over the deep end and tried to get his edge back via some heavy drinking and attempted homicide on a Federal employee. Unfortunately, the film took something of a Capra-esque turn when Andy hit rock-bottom, and rather than watch as the guy emerged from his whiskey-stupor as some sort of Kerouacian God, Andy relented and made way for his spouse’s literary career. Until this tragic miscalculation, however, the guy was on his way to classic status within the ‘hobo-crazy’ field of American writers, a club whose President, Charles Bukowski, was the focus of the next film …

6. Mickey Rourke’s Henry Chinaski from “Barfly” (1987)

If this wasn’t based off of a real writer, you’d probably dismiss this oft-overlooked Mickey Rourke performance as trite and somewhat cartoonish. To read Bukowski’s poetry and prose is to gain exclusive entry into the soul of a genuine American, and to probe the depths of this country’s dirtiest and most neglected corners. Only slightly removed from its source material, “Barfly” followed Bukowski’s screen doppelganger Henry Chinaski as he lived the true L.A. writer’s lifestyle. Frequenting the diviest of dive-bars where dried up post-menopause whores shopped $10 blow jobs and bartenders routinely fought customers for tips, Chinaski staggered blissfully through days that ran thoughtlessly into each other. At night he fell upon his typewriter to hammer out postmodern treatises on nihilistic self-deprivation, embracing the pauper’s lifestyle he championed both in words and through penniless lifestyle. Rejecting everything except the basest necessities required to keep himself drunk and in possession of writing materials, Chinaski was a true literary eccentric. When his work was discovered by a prominent critic and he was offered regular pay and perks for his work, Rourke’s character instead returned to his shit-smeared walls and beer-soaked stool to revel in the magnificence that made him worth attention in the first place. With a drunk, slightly unstable woman at his side and a tavern full of alcoholic allies without a prayer of passing judgment on Chinaski or anybody else, the guy was in his groove when at his lowest. The substance-abusing, self-deprecating formula isn’t unique to Bukowski and his creations, however, the stigma in place long before this picture semi-glamorized the lifestyle …

5. Piper Laurie’s Sarah Packard from “The Hustler” (1961)

A true American classic, “The Hustler” is the story of a pool shark not only looking to improve his game, but also the quality of his person. Early in the film, flush with arrogance, bourbon, and delusions of grandeur, Paul Newman’s Fast Eddie lost to his arch rival, Minnesota Fats, not because he was less of a player, but because he was less of a man. After shacking up with a truly lushed-out broad, Eddie started getting his act together. Though initially attracted to the student/writer because the two shared similar approaches to alcohol consumption, the pair learned to fulfill each other and were soon on their way to a relatively productive relationship. Though grifter Eddie certainly took a step up with his acquisition of some fresh, collegiate poon, Piper Laurie’s choice of a degenerate pool lackey was somewhat curious, that is until viewed in the context of her profession. Coming home late at night to pound out beatnik prose on her floor typewriter, Sarah Packard was the quintessential early-60s author. Very much in the Ginsberg and Burroughs tradition, Sarah was the somewhat traditional writer character for a brief period: that upper-class girl with too much emotion and imagination that gets mixed up with the sordid lot that frequents jazz clubs, pool halls, and the docks. Indeed, she paid for her transgression, too, for the last we saw of her she was getting desperately assaulted in a manner that would lead to her shame-induced suicide. More of a warning than an actual character, her function was to scare Newman’s Eddie as well as the audience, to frighten both into leading straighter, less lurid lives than that found with some drunk hussy and her “words.”

4. Johnny Depp’s Raoul Duke from “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” (1998)

While this list’s caveats did specify no journalists, the eventual product of the Las Vegas adventure was a book that became the seminal piece of literature for the 1970s, thus the Doc gets a pass. More than just a tale of debauchery concerning two men with magazine-issued credit cards and all-expenses-paid hotel accommodations, the tale was a clever metaphor for an entire generation. The two protagonists, Duke and Gonzo, were the 60s. On their way to Las Vegas to find the American Dream, their bright-eyed optimism reflected the late 60s and the promising aspirations of a youth movement that thought they were on the cusp of a new American era. Depp’s portrayal of Thompson was spot-on, for in his effort to consume everything and soak up all that “America” had to offer, the writer found himself broke, up to his waist in garbage, in trouble with the authorities, and totally empty-handed. In this, the lack of any story for his magazine, the point was made with the most clarity, events in the film true to those in the book. As was the case in real life, after all the posturing of the 60s–the marches, the concerts and good intentions–at the end of the day, the hippies came away with Nixon in office for a second term and all their heroes either slain or in jail. It’s fitting that Duke and Gonzo did little better in the film, acting in accordance with their generation, using, consuming, and pushing everything to the limit to achieve a higher plane of understanding whose fruits were no different than those afforded to the despised fathers to come before. Eccentric though Depp’s character may have been with the destruction of his hotel rooms, borderline kidnapping, eatery assault, car rental destruction, and ether and acid trips: at the end of the day both he and his generation found themselves wishing for some greater force “tending the light at the end of the tunnel” just like past generations. What Thompson’s age bracket could take away from their forbearers, however, was that they had understood the fallacy of their ambitions, yet strove regardless toward an optimistic future, pipe in hand.

3. John Malkovich’s Osborne Cox from “Burn After Reading” (2008)

If Hunter S. Thompson proved anything, it was that this world contains some people–mutants, really–who are too friggin’ strange to do anything else except write. Of course, in “Burn After Reading,” it’s hinted at that Malkovich’s CIA agent Cox resigned from the company because of behavioral problems ostensibly related to drinking. Naturally, the guy retired and started in on his writing career, for there are few on today’s list without some kind of substance abuse problem, and a couple, like Osborne Cox and Thompson, that couldn’t have done anything else except write. This guy had a running list of issues, however, not the least of which involved his wife screwing some Treasury agent, his memoirs getting misplaced and shopped to the Russkies, and gym employees getting shot all to the hell in his house. In a movie brimming with idiots and fiends, Malkovich’s character truly stood out, if only because his dilemmas were at the center of an increasingly absurd series of disasters. And naturally, the guy was trying to become a writer. His attempts at harnessing a lifetime of CIA experiences set in motion a host of ludicrous misunderstandings and murders. The Osborne Cox character of this film represented a rarely utilized author archetype, that writer who is literally so disturbed and messed up that they can’t function as anything else. Hell, even as a writer Cox was coming off the rails, proving that some people are just too damn weird to exist. Malkovich had to bow to a greater force, however, for in the final two slots, there is an actor who has the corner on the crazy-novelist genre …

2. Jack Nicholson’s Melvin Udall from “As Good As It Gets” (1997)

Where does one even begin with this freak show? Jack’s Melvin Udall was OCD in a way that would make Rain Man blush. How eccentric of a writer was he? Melvin had routines for how many times he turned the locks in his house, how he washed his hands, where he ate, how he ate, the utensils he used to eat, and this was all aside from the severely aggressive attitude he threw around at all times. Not shy about telling both strangers and acquaintances alike just how it was he felt about them at any given moment, it didn’t take Melvin long to alienate everybody in his life except those required to maintain his precious routines. Unlike a lot of other authors on this list, Melvin seemed to be a very productive artist, however, his litany of works enough to keep him in style with a sweet ride, mad city hook-ups, and plush Manhattan apartment with (among other things) a goddamned piano! A bit of a sentimental movie? Yeah, maybe. But in the end, it is the story of Melvin and his growth as a human being well past the mid-life crisis stage, when a lifetime of idiosyncratic and anti-social behavior not so much caught up with him, but receded in the face of genuine kindness and personal connections. It’s a story of optimism, and about how change can arrive despite a person’s best efforts to stifle such unwanted advances. In Melvin, this theme found a formidable challenger, for as far as eccentric writers go, he was among the vanguard. Though not a drunk or a junky, the guy certainly had his addictions: Melvin’s particular fix connected to his lust of cleanliness. Both in the physical sense but also as it pertained to the social order around him, Melvin couldn’t stand something out of place. A true oddball, Melvin got the runner-up spot because he demanded so much order from a world brimming with chaos. Because he found peace at the end of the day, and didn’t try to axe-murder everyone around him, he missed out on the #1 slot, however, one held down by Nicholson’s seminal performance …

1. Jack Nicholson’s Jack Torrance from “The Shining” (1980)

And so we come to this, the obvious, natural choice for the top spot. To propose a quick defense, the guy was tending a nearly-empty hotel built on Native American burial ground with a history of caretakers ruthlessly murdering their families. He was trapped in a confined area with Shelly Duvall without booze, without cable television (and thus football), in the middle of a figgin’ arctic wasteland. Now, that said, he did start hearing voices, seeing ghosts and, yes, did subsequently try to murder his family with an axe. The madness was a road, however, not a conveyer belt, and it took some time for Mr. Torrance to get to his destination. The starting point was indicative of a regrettable outcome, however, for the movie began with stories of Jack’s character getting hammered and breaking his son’s arm well before poltergeist-inspired descents into madness. Once the bad vibes started leaking in, it wasn’t long before the aspiring novelist started flashing crazy eyes. Whether it was his explanation about when it was okay to disturb a man in the midst of typing, or the discussion with his wife about not wanting to hurt her, but rather his wish to simply “bash her brains right the fuck in,” the cracks quickly began to materialize. Nothing if not resilient, it’s a shame that Jack wasn’t able to focus that persistence and murderous rage into his novel, epic though his one sentence masterpiece might have been, it just wasn’t terribly marketable. As far as nutty writers go, however, the man has no peers. For materializing ghostly friends for some casual bar-talk and because he killed one guy and tried to kill two others in a murderous axe-rage, Jack Torrance gets the top spot. And it’s not just because, as a writer, he killed somebody with an axe (Malkovich did that in “Burn After Reading,” and he only made #3), but because he embodied the best of what audiences have come to expect from movie writers. Drunk, angry, quirky, reclusive, bad-tempered, awkward in social settings, and capable of a violent freak-out pretty much all the time, as a moviegoing public we expect no less from our scribes. For giving the world all this, and so much more in maybe his finest performance, Mr. Nicholson gets the top nod.

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Melvin Moses Gibson. Friday marks the release of “Edge of Darkness,” your first film as an actor since 2002’s “Signs.” I’d like to say we’ve missed you, but you’ve directed two gloriously over-the-top, gore-filled historical behemoths with as much crazy-per-square-inch as anything you ever did as an actor. So, as a tribute to your nearly indefatigable reign as King Crazy, I offer you this Top 10. Please enjoy Top 10 Craziest Mel Gibson Movie Moments and remember, if you have a Top 10 to contribute, email eric@scene-stealers.com.

10. Signs (2002) - Mashed Potato Mayhem

M. Night Shyamalan and Mel Gibson are two of the most unstable filmmakers in Hollywood. Both seem to have lost their way at some point as the result of some very debilitating proclivities as directors and actors. Shyamalan sacrifices storytelling for tone and subtitutes twist endings for content. Gibson is all about arbitrary sadomasochism. But before Shyamalan went off track and before Gibson became self-parodying with “The Passion of the Christ” and “Apocalypto,” the two came together for this film, and it’s an extremely solid piece of work. But putting the film’s quality aside, this scene is one that could not be ignored for this list. Oh, man. I haven’t seen the movie in a while, but just thinking about Gibson’s emotional breakdown over an assortment of mismatched foods at the dinner table is making me laugh pretty uncontrollably. His character is a former minister who lost his faith after the death of his wife, and he goes off when his kids try to pray at the dinner table during the onset of an alien invasion. They hoot and holler and finally all break down in each other’s arms. It’s a silly scene in a good film, and it turned out to be a harbinger of all the insanity to come from both the film’s director and its star.

9. Apocalypto (2006) - Mayans Bleed Real Good

Oh, Mel. You wanted to explore the ancient Mayan culture and exemplify its intricacies and mysteries, huh? And you wanted to frame that noble exploration within the context of an action-adventure/chase picture during which more blood is shed than most horror movies (but not much more than most Mel Gibson movies)? How admirable. This scene depicts a Mayan ceremony during which a man is sacrificed to some unidenfitifed deity and has his heart torn out. Like I said: admirable. Now, I’d like to articulate lots and lots of vaguely condemnatory pronouncements about this silly movie, but I feel like Scene-Stealers has been here before. To quote J.D. Warnock, “Just like everybody else, you can cut half the head off a Mayan and blood will squirt out!” Couldn’t have said it better myself.

8. What Women Want (2000) - Mel Does Not Feel Ashamed

Thought Mel was a bit of a misogynist? Well, think again! In this scene from “What Women Want,” a film about a womanizing ad executive who acquires the ability to read women’s minds, Mel’s character tries to get in touch with his inner lady by shaving his legs, applying makeup, and fumbling around his bathroom while listening to Meredith Brooks’ 90s hit “Bitch.” I know my tone may come across as a bit condescending, but, in all honesty, I like this movie. I can’t help it. Mel Gibson’s as charming as he is delirious. And despite the fact that this film was probably a late-in-the-game attempt to squelch the general perception that he was sexist, I enjoy it. And to be fair, this isn’t “crazy” so much as it is just ridiculous. But is it ever ridiculous … (Starts at 3:25.)

7. The Road Warrior (1981) - “The Ayatollah of Rock n’ Rolla!”

The basic rules for this list I imposed upon myself were that each entry would either contain Mel Gibson in a moment of insanity as an actor or Mel Gibson in a moment of insanity as a director. So, in that sense, I’m breaking my own rules a little on this one. But, seriously, how could I not include this gem in a Mel Gibson-related top 10? Lord Humungus’ speech to the residents of the ramshackle, militarized compound in George Miller’s post-apocalyptic thrillride “The Road Warrior” is one of the strangest, funniest, most off-the-wall moments in a Mel Gibson movie, especially since it’s one in which Mel Gibson himself is not taking part in the craziness. There are about a dozen things that are truly bizarre in this sequence and it would be impossible to do them justice here. So, that being said, I’ll let the clip speak for itself and just walk away.

6. Lethal Weapon (1987) - Rooftop Shenanigans

You had to know this would find its way onto this list. It was this performance that first gave us a taste of the maniac Aussie who would be gracing the silver screen for decades to come. Among other things, “Lethal Weapon” catapulted Mel Gibson to stardom and defined the buddy cop flick of the 80s. I’m not sure if either of those are good things, but the point remains. Just watch him in this scene. Look at the gleam in his eyes (exhibited perfectly in the thumbnail for the video). Listen to the tone of his voice and how bits of his accent slip out here and there. “Acting”? Give me a break. Apart from the Special Ops training and a few other variables, Mel Gibson IS Martin Riggs. They were just tearing pages from his diary and adapting them for the big screen.

5. Ransom (1996) - “Give me back my son!”

Filmmakers love celebrating Mel’s psychological instability. Whether its his gore fetish or his appetite for nutty, quotable dialogue, they can’t seem to get enough of giving him exactly what he wants. I think this one might be his most memorable outburst (apart from “The Patriot[’s]” “You’re my child!”) and it tells you all you need to know about this movie. Also in this scene are some of my very favorite Mel movie quotes, the best of which is probably: “Don’t you understand English, you useless piece of shit?!” Priceless. It’s all in the delivery, though. The only other actor I can think of who’d trump Gibson’s throaty incantation would be Gary Busey (who is coincidentally the villain in “Lethal Weapon”). And that raises a pretty good question, actually: Whose insanity has more real life and cinematic entertainment value, Mel Gibson or Gary Busey?

4. Payback (1998) - Porter’s Little Piggies

As for this scene…I don’t quite know what to say. It may be Mel’s definitive screen moment of sadomasochism. And if that doesn’t grant it a spot on this Top 10, what will? In the film (a remake of 1967’s “Point Blank” starring a terrifically deadpan Lee Marvin), Mel plays Porter, a small time crook interested in retrieving $70,000 that was stolen from him sometime earlier by his ex-wife and former partner. Throughout the film - some of which actually does involve legitimate S&M - he has his many attempts at retribution thwarted by a menagerie of crooked cops and ethnic mobsters. Finally, he kidnaps a crime boss’ (Kris Kristofferson) son only to find himself at the thug’s mercy in an abandoned warehouse (that most reliable filmic setpiece). Refusing to give up the boy’s location, one of Kristofferson’s goons proceeds to demolish Porter’s toes with a hammer, with the intimation that the instrument will soon find its destructive home elsewhere on his body. Porter invites the torment, telling the gangsters quite frankly, “This little piggy went to the market.”

Note: Unfortunately, the full clip I intended to include has been removed from YouTube but is still available in French and Italian.

3. Conspiracy Theory (1997) - Wheelchair Stairwell Bowling

No words can really do justice to this stupendously absurd, hilarious scene from the 1997 paranoid thriller “Conspiracy Theory,” which co-starred Julia Roberts, making it two enormously popular box office draws at the height of their careers.

Patrick Stewart plays a psychiatrist working for the CIA who viciously interrogates Jerry Fletcher (Gibson), a delusional taxi driver obsessed with hokey conspiracy theories, only to have him escape through a series of preposterous events including nose biting and, yes, wheelchair stairwell bowling.

It has to be seen to be believed.

2. The Passion of the Christ (2004) - Madonna and Midget Baby

I went to Catholic school up until eighth grade and, while I’m no longer of that persuasion, I still view this movie as one of the biggest subliminal sleights against Christ ever committed to film. Why subliminal? Because most Christians don’t even realize their Lord is being sleighted! I mean, come on. You’ve got the Prince of Peace in torture porn and people are fooled into thinking it’s some meritorious, sophisticated meditation on his suffering because everyone grimaces throughout and there’s foreboding music galore. If you want to see a real meditation on Christ’s suffering (both internal and external) from a masterful director (Martin Scorsese), see “The Last Temptation of Christ.” But that’s enough. I’m going to stop myself before I get carried away. So, in this brief moment of gut-busting self-seriousness, Satan, in the form of a woman (Mel Gibson…sexist? No way!), holds a…weird midget baby in her arms while Christ is being mercilessly beaten. She does so, apparently, to mock him. Mel Gibson does so, apparently, because he’s out of his mind. Just look at the expression on that creature’s face! I’m not sure if it’s disturbing or the funniest thing I’ve seen in my entire life.

1. Lethal Weapon (1987) - “You wanna see crazy?!”

We didn’t know what we were getting ourselves into, did we? It was 1987 and we were on our way to see Richard Donner’s newest film, “Lethal Weapon,” starring Danny Glover, the most reliable of actors, and Mel…who? Gibbons? Gibson? Oh, yeah! That guy from “The Road Warrior.” We bought our tickets, popcorn, and found our seats perfectly distanced from the screen according to our individual preferences. The film began. We were introduced to Roger Murtaugh, a grumpy detective and family man, trudging across the screen, squawking about his impending retirement. He hung around for a little bit and we quickly developed a fondness for the curmudgeonly police officer. And then something happened, something none of us were prepared for: we met Martin Riggs. Posing as a simpleton trying to buy cocaine from a few drug dealers, the manic depressive detective unleashed his craziness on us like a hailstorm. We were bombarded with it. Face slapping? Check. “Three Stooges”? Check. Wide-eyed lunacy? Check. Let’s face it; this scene has to be number 1. It was our introduction to the character of Martin Riggs and to the Mel Gibson prototype. It says more in three minutes about the man and the filmmaker than every other entry on this list combined.

He showed us crazy alright.

Tags: 10, Crazy, gibson, insane, mel, moments, movie, nutty, ten, top, Top 10 Craziest Mel Gibson Movie Moments, Top 10 Lists, wacko, weird, wonderful

First things first: I love watching the Oscars. It’s the one time of the year that I get all fired up about things that shouldn’t matter to me so much. I want this year to be good. I want it to be awesome. Right now, though, it looks as if it might just infuriate me. I hope the 2010 telecast can avoid these pitfalls, so I’ve gone ahead and listed them below—hopeful that they may not come true. This is a predictive Top 10. Keep in mind that the Oscar nominations are not announced until Feb 2. Ballsy? Sure. Why not? I criticize because I care.

The 2010 Oscar telecast should be quite different from years past. Former studio executive and producer Bill Mechanic and “Hairspray” director-choreographer Adam Shankman are co-producers of the 82nd Annual Academy Awards and they’ve made some pretty big changes. Additionally, this year’s awards season has produced a lot of clear-cut frontrunners in certain categories, yet the two biggest seem up for grabs. Either way, it looks like we are in for a pretty lame Oscar TV event, especially for serious fans of movies.

10. Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin are co-hosting

OK, this is at number 10 because it really could go either way. Martin hosted the show in 2001 and was alright I guess, but year after year of sub-par family remakes and their sequels (“Father of the Bride” 1 and 2, “The Pink Panther” 1 and 2) have probably dulled his edge a little. Baldwin’s dry humor may spice things up a little (his timing is impeccable), but sometimes he can come off as boorish. I’m hoping they have a good time making fun of each other—maybe that will be enough.

9. James Cameron will speak Na’vi again

Sound Mixing, Sound Editing, and Visual Effects will all go to “Avatar.” Done deal. The mega-blockbuster might also pick up awards for Cinematography, Director, and Picture. Either way, chances are we’ll get a face full of Cameron speaking in that language that was made up specifically for his movie. Since proclaiming himself the “king of the world” after winning everything in sight for “Titanic” obviously wasn’t enough, Cameron actually had the chutzpah to speak Na’vi at his acceptance speech at the Golden Globes. Expect him to do the same at the Oscars. (Maybe Baldwin and Martin could learn some Klingon and they could have a nerdtastic conversation with funny subtitles. There, Oscar writers, you can have that—just be sure and give me credit.)

8. They should’ve expanded the Best Actor category to 10 instead of Best Picture

OK, I’m not seriously suggesting this. What I would like to point out, however, is the abundance of talent in this category—coming up with 10 nominees is easy. Also, I’d like to point out how dangerous it can be to have all these televised “predictive” awards shows (like the upcoming SAGs, last weekend’s Critic’s Choice Awards, and the Golden Globes). Because of the nominees there, we can surely predict the nominees for the Oscar: Jeff Bridges, “Crazy Heart”; George Clooney, “Up in the Air”; Colin Firth, “A Single Man”; Morgan Freeman, “Invictus”; and Jeremy Renner, “The Hurt Locker.” Those are just five. And not even the best five. But what are the odds that Viggo Mortensen (“The Road”), Ben Foster (“The Messenger”), Peter Sarsgaard (“An Education”), Sam Rockwell (”Moon”), or my favorite performance of the year Nicolas Cage (who won the Toronto film critics poll for “Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans”) will get nominated? Zilch. It’s this narrowing down; this critical consensus that there are only five real competitors worthy that really ticks me off. Read further in the list for who’s going to win this category, hands down.

7. A Shut-out of “Where the Wild Things Are”

This one’s not too hard to call. The best movie of the year according to The New York Times’ A.O. Scott, a handful of other critics, and myself, will be completely glossed over for Oscar nominations on the morning of Feb. 2. Spike Jonze’s aching portrait of childhood disguised in big fuzzy monster suits was a polarizing film. And since the lead performance is that of a little kid (a naturalistic Max Records) while virtually everyone else is hidden under layers of fur, there’s very little to nominate in the acting categories. The Academy will overlook the film’s sumptuous cinematography, its creative art direction, Jonze’s masterful film direction, and—most criminally—its perfect adaptation of Maurice Sendak’s nine-sentence children’s book. If they got anything right, the Academy would nominate it for Costumes, but I’m not counting on anything.

6. No Lifetime Achievement Awards

For casual watchers of movies, maybe this is the portion of the broadcast where they tune out. Perhaps they don’t like watching old people accept recognition for a life spent in film. Screw ‘em! Watching Robert Altman and Elia Kazan win the Lifetime Achievement Award in recent years was very satisfying. Not only do I love seing these film legends get their due, but I love the movie-clip montages. (The Scorsese one at the Globes almost made me weep, it was so good!) Well, this year, in order to speed up the show’s pace (and to allow them to give more awards without having to worry about  TV time constraints), the producers awarded producer John Calley, legendary lenser Gordon Willis (”The Godfather”), living legend Lauren Bacall, and B-movie king Roger Corman their statues at a small banquet in November. Lame.

5. 10 Best Picture nominations didn’t help: “Avatar” would have been nominated even with five nominees

Part of that move to get better TV ratings was the bold choice this year to expand the Best Picture race to 10 movies rather than 5. It’s the first time since 1943 that the Oscars have had 10 noms here, and the idea was one of inclusion. Had there been 10 nominees last year, “The Dark Knight” would have been one of them and more people would care about watching the Oscars. In theory.  Well, guess what? “Avatar” (poised to break “The Dark Knight’”s box office) would have been nominated even if the category had stuck to five. And other big-grossing films like “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” and the new “Harry Potter” don’t stand a chance. The only beneficiary I can see is Pixar’s “Up,” which should stride right out of the Animation ghetto and into the Best Picture race. A downside? With the vote system the way it is, its possible that “Avatar” might actually become Best Picture even if no voter chooses it as their favorite movie. The new system assigns a point value to each movie based on its ranking on a list. First is worth more points, but a movie voted second place by tons of people could overtake it. (So a movie that no one liked the BEST could win BEST Picture.)

4. The Best Actress race is poised to be downright embarrasing

Sandra Bullock tied at the Critic’s Choice and won the dramatic lead actress award for “The Blind Side.” That is such a mind-boggling reality that I’ll repeat it: Sandra Bullock won two previous awards for “The Blind Side.” OK, Meryl Streep (who tied with Bullock on Friday) may still be the frontrunner for playing beloved chef Julia Child in “Julie & Julia,” but the fact that Bullock even has a chance to win an Oscar for playing the noble rich white woman who takes in a poor black kid and teaches him to play football is just insane. Nevermind Gabourey Sidibe’s searing performance in “Precious” or Carey Mulligan’s mature-beyond-her-years work in “An Education,” let’s give the award to the millionaire movie star who never takes chances on roles with actual substance. (And, no: “Crash” doesn’t count.)

3. “Anvil” snubbed for Best Doc = huge missed opportunity

The best documentary of the year is the most human one out there. It doesn’t revolve around an important issue (and perhaps that’s why it wasn’t shortlisted by the Academy for a nomination this year) and it doesn’t have any movie stars doing voiceover narration. It’s a moving tale of determination, friendship, and courage—and it’s about a Canadian heavy metal band still plugging away at their career in their fifties. (Jpeg from The Film Experience.) Besides missing out on seeing band members Lips and Robb Reiner decked out in tuxes at the show, the producers are missing out on a huge opportunity by not being able to book the stars of “Anvil: The Story of Anvil” to actually perform. That would have been the most bizarre Oscar musical performance since Isaac Hayes disappeared in a cloud of smoke during his Oscar-winning “Theme from ‘Shaft.’” And it would have seriously brought the audience to its knees, because …

2. Anyway you slice it, the song category will suck

Another less-publicized change in the Oscars was made this year in the Music - Original Song category. If no song achieves a minimum average score of 8.25 in the nominations voting, there be no nominees and no Oscar presented for the category. We could only be so lucky. If only one song achieves the required minimum, it and the song with the next highest score will be deemed the nominees. This continues as laid out, but only up to five nominations. The Oscar will go to “The Weary Kind (Theme From ‘Crazy Heart’),” a safe, boring, mellow folk number that’s masquerading as “real country” and has already won the Critic’s Choice and Golden Globe. Let’s just hope it and only one other song gets nominated so we don’t have to sit through too much awful music on the show. The problem with this category is that most of these songs are afterthoughts; songs deemed too crappy to put on established artists’ albums so they get put in movies just to run through the credits. Kudos to the Academy for trying to limit the number of nominees with a quality scale. I just don’t trust it to work.

1. All the Major Awards Races (minus the two biggest) Are Already Over

Nominees haven’t even been announced yet, but here are your winners in all big categories other than Picture and Director:
Actor: Jeff Bridges, Actress: Meryl Streep, Supporting Actor: Cristolph Waltz, Supporting Actress: Mo’Nique, Screenplay: “Inglourious Basterds,” Adapted Screenplay: “Up in the Air,” Animated Film: “Up,” Foreign Film: “The White Ribbon,” Documentary: “The Cove,” Original Score: “Up,” Original Song: “Crazy Heart.” Knowing there won’t be any surprises until the very end could make for a long slog of a telecast. I am hoping that, against all odds, I am wrong, but this is how I see it. And as usual, (pity me), I’ll be glued to my TV to find out!

Tags: 10, 2009, 2010, academy awards, bet, fail, list, march, odds, predictions, suck, ten, top, Top 10 Reasons the 2010 Oscars Will Fail, Top Ten Reasons the 2010 Oscars Will Fail, who, will, Win

NYC writer Sean O’Connell has contributed some great lists to Scene-Stealers and his newest is no exception. If you have a Top 10 you’d like to write for inclusion, send it (or the idea for it) to me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Sean:

This might not be the most politically correct list of all time. But I felt the need to write it. Last month, I was watching countless holiday movies that feature Santa’s elves. Some of the newer ones had real average size actors like John Michael Higgins and Ludicrous in “Fred Claus” portray the elves. They just CGIed them down to midget size. Then you had movies like “The Santa Clause” were they used kid actors to fill in the roles. Hell, even Dudley Moore portrayed Patch the elf in the awful “Santa Claus- The Movie”. This just made me think: Why are they cheating us the real quality of an elf? Is it because there are not great half-sized actors? That is absolutely not true. I dare say that one day we may see a vertically challenged actor or actress make their way to the Oscar stage to accept an Oscar (I don’t count Linda Hunt- she is just short). Maybe Hollywood thinks that there aren’t enough little guys and gals to go around in Tinsel Town. Once again, not true- there seems to be an abundance of them. Does anyone remember the classic “Terror Comes To Tiny Town”? That was an all-midget cast. So I made some guidelines for this list, for instance- the actor & actress had to be an actual midget. Also, no one actor could be used twice, so I picked their best performance than ranked the performances in order. If the word midget offends you, then I apologize in advance. Maybe you can just substitute the word little person in your mind as you read it. Here are the Top 10 Midget Performances of all time.

10. Billy Barty as J.J. MacKuen in “Foul Play” (1978)

The late, great Billy Barty is arguably the most famous midget actor of all time, mainly because of his long body (sorry for the pun) of work. He appeared in such greats as “Alice in Wonderland” in 1933, “Under the Rainbow” in 1981, “Legend” in 1985, “Willow” in 1988, and of course, “UHF” in 1989. Poor Billy was unfortunate in that he became the poster boy of movie midgets. He never really got a role of substance; it was usually slapstick comedic roles. So the one I best felt he perfected was that of J.J. MacKuen, the bible salesman from “Foul Play.” One day J.J. decides to call on Gloria Mundy (Goldie Hawn) to see if she would be interested in his product. The thing is Gloria mistakes him (and his references to the afterlife) for “The Dwarf”- a man who she has never seen but she thinks is hell bent on killing her. Billy plays this role to perfection, chasing Gloria around the house trying to get her views on God. Once he goes to open a briefcase that is almost as big as him, Gloria goes bonkers and beats him up with her broom. This leads to him being thrown out the window, where she again beats his fingers with her broom so he falls down into a garbage can. Then the can rolls down the streets of San Francisco, until poor J.J. is launched high in the air out of the can and crashes with a thud. It turns out he was not the bad guy and that he was just an innocent little person. We then see J.J. in a full-body cast minus his face (a great visual gag by the way) in the hospital as Gloria visits him. He tries to be nice to her but lets out a blood-curling scream when she tries to swat a fly off his body with a Bible.

9. Meinhardt Raabe as the Munchkin Coroner in “The Wizard of Oz”(1939)

I thought it was going to hard to pick my favorite munchkin, but when I gave it some serious thought, only one came to mind. Sure, the Mayor and the Lollipop kids are fun, but the coroner seemed to have the most fun with the role. Sometimes I find myself singing at work “As Coroner I must aver, I thoroughly examined her and she’s not only merely dead, she’s really most sincerely dead.” He had the best outfit, too: The big purple hat that rolled up on the sides of the brim, the long purple robe, the long orange beard, and of course the oversized certificate of death. Meinhardt can still be seen on making the rounds on talk shows in his famous getup singing his famous verse. I always wondered why the munchkins would need a coroner. How many munchkins were dying that they felt the need to create such a position? Maybe it was after the munchkin hung himself on the set of the movie. Sidenote: “Under the Rainbow” (1981) was a great movie about how the midget actors took over the hotel across the street from where “The Wizard of Oz” was being filmed.

8. Harry Earles as Hans in “Freaks” (1932)

Ok, let me start this entry out with this: Those of you who have not seen Tod Browning’s opus to circus freaks need to stop reading this article now and go watch it. Its about a trapeze artist named Cleopatra (Olga Baclanova) who decides to con sideshow midget Hans out of his inheritance. See, Hans is happily engaged to fellow midget Frieda (Daisy Earles) but decides to kick her to the curb when the much taller Cleopatra starts showing interest in him. Hans then proposes to Cleopatra and she accepts, which leads to the greatest engagement dinner in film history. All the circus freaks decide to welcome Cleopatra by serenading to her “We accept her! One of us! We accept her! One of us! Gooble gobble, gooble gobble! We accept her! We accept her!” Im serious here: Watch this scene and you will not stop singing “Gooble gobble, gooble gobble” for weeks. Well, Cleopatra does what any tall person would do at a ceremony of singing freaks, she gets crazy drunk, reveals the fact that she is having an affair with Hercules the Strong Man, mocks them, throws wine in their faces, and chases them away. Hans, our brave tiny person, still decides to make a go of this bizzrae union and what does he get for his efforts? Cleopatra slowly starts poisoning his medicine. The freaks find out about this and SPOILER ALERT decide to cut out her tongue, one eye, and her…well…they melted the flesh of her hands to look like chicken feet and permanently tarred and feathered her lower half. She has been reduced to performing in a sideshow as the squawking “human chicken.” This goes to show that you don’t mess with circus people…

7. Zelda Rubenstein as Tangina Barrons in “Poltergeist” (1982)

Mrs. Rubinstein is the only female to make the list; sorry for offending all female midgets. Tangina is also the only little person to appear in a trilogy. She plays an expert spiritual medium hired by Dr. Lesh (Beatrice Straight) to help exorcise all the ghosts out of the Freelings house and save their daughter Carol Anne (Heather O’Rourke). Tangina’s entrance into the movie alone is amazing. You are waiting for this great dominant figure to walk through the door and instead comes this little tiny lady with huge sunglasses on. As soon as she enters she instantly knows that Carol Anne is OK band mutters, “Your daughter is alive and in this house.” Actually, Tangina has all the great lines in this film: “It exploits the fact that the spirits are confused and lost, and uses Carol Anne as a distraction”, “To her, it simply is another child. To us, it is the Beast.”, “It knows what scares you. It has from the very beginning. Don’t give it any help, it knows too much already”, and “Cross over children. All are welcome. All welcome. Go into the Light. There is peace and serenity in the Light”- just to quote a few. Come on, admit it, when you just read all those quotes you started saying them out loud in her famous high-pitched southern drawl. Tangina comes up with a great plan to save the day and get all the spirits to go into the light at the same time. Well, Steven Freeling (Craig T. Nelson) don’t trust shorties and panics, almost ruining the day. Needless to say, Tangina saves Carol Anne and says her last famous line (all together now) “This house is clean”.

6. Various actors as Oompa Loompas in “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” (1971)

First things first: I will not even mention the awful Tim Burton version that used the same actor to play all the Oompa Loompas. That felt like such a jip to me, as all Oompa Loompas were created different in their own orange likeness. Now having said that I have to break one of the guidelines on my list for this entry. I can’t single out just one Oompa Loompa or even one actor’s particular performance. They were all great, so I will list them all- Rudy Borgstaller, George Claydon, Malcolm Dixon, Rusty Goffe, (he also played a Jawa in “Star Wars”) Ismed Hassan, Norman McGlen, Angelo Muscat, Pepe Poupee, Marcus Powell and Albert Wilkinson. Their songs were a thing of amazement; I don’t know anyone who can sit through a viewing without bouncing around like a weeble wobble belting out the tunes. “Oompa loompa doompadee doo / I’ve got another puzzle for you / Oompa loompa doompadee dee / If you are wise you’ll listen to me / Who do you blame when your kid is a brat.” This movie even showcased the little hands in white gloves effect of tiny people. After watching this classic for the first I learned how to do my own midget effect, where you kneel on your knees, then pull your shirt to cover your legs, pull your arms in your sleeves and just leave your hands out. You have to sing “If you’re not spoiled then you will go far / You will live in happiness, too / Like the Oompa Loompa doompadee doo.”

5. Peter Dinklage as Miles Finch in “Elf” (2003)

This is the first of two Christmas movies to make the list. If you have not seen this movie or at least don’t know of this scene then you have to be a South Pole elf yourself because it is hysterical. I will not go into the premise of the movie (Alright: Will Ferrell aka Buddy the Elf thinks he is a Christmas Elf.) There. Anyway James Caan plays Ferrell’s estranged father who is in charge of a publishing company that specializes in children’s books. After cutting corners, he’s faced with coming up with an original idea for a new story and his crack writing staff (Andy Richter and Kyle Gass) have none. Enter Miles Finch, famed children’s author, whom they want to hire to come up with ideas for them. Peter Dinklage wins the audience over before he is ever on screen with a side-splitting phone conversation between he and Caan, Richter, and Gass. He can only spare five hours for a meeting and his demands are “a black S-500 to receive me at the airport. I need the interior of that car to be 71 degrees.” Well, Buddy creates havoc in the mailroom and Caan is now forced to attempt to put Miles on hold, which forces Finch to scream, “I do not hold! Do not put me on hold!” Then Finch tells them he is out; there is a long pause- then the great line that kills me- “I’ll be there tomorrow…71 Degrees!” Things really pick up at the board meeting when Miles Finch enters the movie in person. Buddy is so happy that he comes crashing into the meeting and mistakes Miles as one of Santa’s elves. Miles says “Hey, jack weed, I get more action in a week than you’ve had in your entire life. I’ve got houses in L.A., Paris and Vail. In each one, a 70-in. plasma screen. So I suggest you wipe that stupid smile off your face before I come over there and SMACK it off! You feeling strong, my friend? Call me elf one more time.” Once Buddy calls him an angry elf, Miles jumps up on the table runs at Buddy and kicks the crap out of him. Great scene and well deserving of the middle of the list.

4. Tony Cox as Marcus in “Bad Santa” (2003)

The second Christmas movie, (that’s right I said Christmas, not “holiday”) on the list and also from 2003- good year for tiny actors. Marcus, who works in a mall as an elf is definitely an angry elf. His only purpose to have this job is not to bring joy to children, but to rob the mall after hours. His partner in crime is Willie (Billy Bob Thorton) who plays the depertment store Santa. After they rob the malls, Marcus would always return to his wife in Miami only to return the next Christmas season to rob another mall. Willie is a drunk and unraliable and almost gets them fired from the next gig because he gets caught having sex with a fat girl in a big & tall dressing room. Marcus threatens to sue mall owner (John Ritter) for discrimination against African American little people. Mall Security Chief Gin (Bernie Mac) discovers what Marcus and Willie are up to and wants a cut. This eventually leads to Marcus and his wife running Gin over and killing him. Marcus then decides he no longer need Willie and is going to kill him as well. The police arrive in time and Marcus and his wife are arrested and carted of to jail. I wonder how a midget would survive in jail, would they still be somebody’s bitch? Tony Cox was also great in “Under the Rainbow” (1981), Cheech & Chong’s Nice Dreams” (1981), “Me, Myself & Irene” (2000), and he was even an Ewok in “The Return of the Jedi”- don’t know which one though. Marcus is Tony’s huge (sorry for the pun) crowning achievement.

3. Jordan Prentice as Jimmy in “In Bruges” (2008)

OK, yes, I am aware that Jordan did have the unfortunate luck of playing the title character in “Howard the Duck,” but doesn’t time heal all wounds? The character of Jimmy makes up for his earlier mistake and then some. Jimmy is a midget actor (much like Jordan) who is in Bruges to make a movie where is dressed like a mini version of Angus Young. Jimmy is also addicted to prostitutes and horse tranquilizers, and then again aren’t all midgets addicted to these things. Anyway, Jimmy may not be in the movie very much but he is very intrackle to the plot, especially the ending (wont give it away). Ray (Colin Farrell) is a hit man dealing with the trauma of accidentally killing a child while killing a priest. You guessed it; this is not a Christmas movie. Ray has one thing in common with me though; he is absolutely fascinated by little people. When he sees Jimmy on the streets of Bruges he flips out and follows him, even does karate chop to his neck at one point. The thing that places Jimmy so high on this list is views on the “upcoming midget race war” that he feels is bound to happen. While doing lines of coke bigger than him surrounded by prostitutes, Jimmy begins a discussion on how the white and black dwarves of the world will inevitably rise up and fight. He even feels that the Pakistanis, the Vietnamese and basically anyone who isn’t white will side with the blacks making it more global. This has me thinking, what if Miles Finch fought Marcus- who would win? And what side would the Oompa Loompas be on in a midget race war?

2. Verne Troyer as Mini-Me in “Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me” (1999)

Everyone reading this list knew Verne’s name was coming eventually. He might also be one of the most famous midget actors of all time, even more famous than Tattoo (Herve Villechaize) from Fantasy Island. Quick personal side note- I had a friend who commented on someone’s new arm ink in a bar by saying “Nice tattoo” and a midget came out of nowhere and said, “What did you call me?” Back to Verne, what is there to say about Mini-Me that is not already known. He is the identical clone of Dr. Evil (Mike Meyers), just 1/8th his size. That alone is brilliant. Mini-Me has almost no spoken dialogue in his first screen venture, but he makes the best of his onscreen time. He tries to eat his cat Mini-Mr. Bigglesworth, he tortures Scott Evil (Seth Green) and can kick some serious ass, that is until he is exposed for his size and is flushed out into space. He even has a great sing-along with Dr. Evil to “Just the Two of Us.” Sure, Verne has had some real life troubles, and yes he did pee in a corner naked on “The Surreal Life” but I will always love the character of Mini Me.

1. Jack Purvis as Wally in “Time Bandits” (1981)

This was the easiest and hardest decision on the entire list. Sure, “Time Bandits” would be number one as the movie, but which character to pick? I know I cheated with the Oompa Loompas, but that was because I honestly couldn’t tell them apart. Every midget in this movie rocked and they all deserve a place at number one. I loved Fidget, performed beautifully by Kenny Baker. Yes I am also aware that Kenny Baker was R2-D2, but come on- was that really acting? When Og (Mike Edmunds) turned into a pig, though: priceless. Vermin (Tiny Ross- now that is irony) is great because of his bizarre appetite; there is a hint that he might even eat Kevin (Craig Warnock). Strutter (Malcolm Dixon- also an Oompa Loompa) seemed to be the wise old man who was full of time travel knowledge. The real toss up was between Wally and Randall (David Rappaport). Randall was the wise-cracking leader who would never admit when he was wrong and he reminded me of a tiny Ralph Kramden. Wally got the edge though because despite his size he was fearless. Interesting fact- did you know that Jack Purvis played the Chief Jawa? Wally was able to climb the rope that held the caged prison over a bottomless pit, held the weight of all his fellow small time travels as they swung to safety by himself, swung cage to cage with ease and never even got scared when the rope broke & he climbed all the way to the top with out screaming. Hell, he wasn’t afraid of Evil Genius (David Warner) as he went after him in the final battle scene. It took all the midgets and one kid to hold him back. He always looked tough and ready to fight, but was always compassionate. I wish I could have my very own Wally to call my own.

Tags: 10, best midget, film, list, little, movies, people, ten, top, Top 10 Little People Performances, Top 10 Midget Performances

Well, the 00s have come to a close. Maybe now it’s time to look back at the decade before this last one. Maybe there’s a little more clarity with distance. Maybe Scene-Stealers contributor Warren J. Cantrell from 10rant.com is the man to examine the Top 10 Things Movies Taught Us In the 1990s. I think he is. If you have a Top 10 of your own you’d like to contribute, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Warren with another fantastically verbose Top 10:

Like any decade, it took the 90s a bit of time to figure out its identity and sort through what it had to offer the world. Early entries in the decade such as “Philadelphia,” “The Silence of the Lambs,” and “Boyz N the Hood” hinted at a watershed decade for film, promising more visceral and realistic violence as well as deeper themes regarding the basic truths shrouding humanity. Yet for every “Jurassic Park,” there was also an “Eraser” – for every “Saving Private Ryan,” there was a “Thin Red Line.” New classics like “Out of Sight,” “Election,” “Man Bites Dog,” “Fight Club” and “Rushmore” worked hard to overcome the growing void of shit that widened in the 1990s, one that swallowed many promising pictures into special-effects action-dramas (thank you, “Titanic,” for inventing one of the shittiest film sub-genres in history).

Because of pioneers like Tarantino and Soderbergh, Hollywood began scaling back budgets to make way for smaller, more introverted pictures that reinvested in the script and the depth of understanding needed by actors to pull off these performances. Yet this transformation took some time, and along the way, some desperately needed lessons fell upon movie executives and audiences alike. Below are some of things discovered after filmmakers pulled their heads out of the coke pile for more than ten minutes, lessons that, while not always heeded, were certainly made abundantly clear to those watching during a very confusing decade of cinema.

10. Technology In the 90s Was Trite and Stupid, and Nobody Realized This

People also thought technology in the 80s was cool, and couldn’t stop publicly stroking that either, but in the 90s, people strutted around like they were on the verge of walking onto a “Star Trek” set every time they got up to take a leak. Yet where the ridiculous really took off was when pictures started coming out that warned of Orwellian-like consequences for those who did not respect and fear the all-powerful tech. Laughably bad movies like “The Net” and “Hackers” warned of a secret computer underworld, a cast of nefarious dorks lurking in the shadows waiting to steal your essence the second you dialed up to connect with PRODIGY or AOL.

The rise of computers in films during the 90s also gave birth to a fascinating trend in Hollywood pictures wherein the male computer dork was almost always troll-level ugly while the female hacker was consistently hot (seriously, almost every time: why?). While films like “Die Hard 2″ began the 90s extolling the wondrous virtues of the miracle that is fax technology (McClane: “Holly told me to wake up and smell the 90s.”), it wasn’t until the mid-90s that computer-paranoia took millions of scared, middle-aged white people straight up terror mountain (elevation: suck).

9. John Grisham and Michael Crichton Wrote Every Book In History

I’m having a hard time coming up with a film from the 90s that wasn’t first a book authored by one of these two panty-stains. It’s not an easy task. Between these two men there were (count them, I dare you) 14 Hollywood adaptations of their novels in the 90s, most of them God-fucking-awful. That’s an average of almost 1.5 movies a year written by either one or the other! What’s worse, each author obviously couldn’t have cared less what became of their creations once optioned, as the films never made it on celluloid as much more than a discreet shadow of the former plot or storyline.

One of the most heinous examples of this was Crichton’s novel “Congo,” a hard-as-shit jungle adventure peppered with savage gorilla murder, dismemberment, and diamond lasers. This was all lost in the 1995 cinematic version, however, which (like pretty much every other movie in the 90s) focused more on its Taco Bell cross-marketing campaign, and less on character development and plot believability (Tim Curry and Ernie Hudson still have nightmares about this disaster from what I’ve heard). Grisham’s “A Time To Kill” was no better (“Now imagine she’s white,” seriously!!???), nor was “The Firm,” which turned the plot from the book on its head in a way that would make “Watchmen” fans blush. Which is not to say that it mattered–these dickheads were more than content to watch the illiterate public gobble up whatever half-assed interpretations Hollywood was willing to pay them for, so long as the checks did indeed keep coming (which they did throughout the 90s). Note to Grisham and Crichton (or Crichton’s estate, rather): Stephen King thinks you went overboard.

8. Racism Can Be Funny

People like Chris Rock and Martin Lawrence practically made a career out of yelling at the camera, scaring good-intentioned, semi-honest white folks with urban ghetto-talk. Thing was, unlike films in the past that pandered to this stereotype as a way to point and laugh, Rock and Lawrence were doing the pointing, at us, and were absolutely hilarious. Comedic deities like Pryor and Murphy (before the latter sold his balls to the 5-12 year old demographic) blazed a narrow, yet clearly defined trail for African-American comedians in the 90s, softening the impact for edgy race-comedy that balanced upon the precarious line between funny and fucked up.

Films like “Lethal Weapon 4,” “Nothing To Lose,” and “Life” all recognized that the decade was ready to confront racism, but not without an empowered sense of humor. Wanda Sykes, Tracy Morgan, Damon Wayans (and all siblings) made names for themselves in the 90s not only through genuine comedic talent, but because they were willing to confront a serious issue with laughs. Hell, even when Hollywood tried to take racism seriously it turned out funny, the hilarious “Higher Learning” being a perfect example (It’s seriously about the most amusing thing released that decade). During the 1990s, at a time when discussions about race and ethnicity in the U.S. were hitting the highest discussion levels since the 60s, Hollywood turned to a new breed of African-American talent, and let them show the world that it was all kind of silly, and, consequently, capable of being funny.

7. The Cast of “Friends” Should Not Get Any More Movie Deals

This trend was ridiculous by any stretch of the imagination and it has mercifully slowed dramatically in recent years. Not only did this uninvited craptastic sitcom nightmare jump into every living room with a suicide-inducing theme-song and hackneyed characters something like four times a day due to almost immediate syndication, the cinemas were lousy with movies the cast crapped out (and there was a lot of crapping). In the years after the sitcom debuted, the six actors made 35 movies in the 90s. 35!! And it’s not like any of them pushed for challenging roles that stretched the bounds of their established television personas, going instead for safe romantic comedies and kids’ films that posed absolutely no threat to their established images.

Had one of the cast actually gotten crazy and starred as a hopelessly addicted heroin-whore, peddling $5 blow jobs in Patterson, N.J. (I’m looking at you, Schwimmer) that might have been something. Instead, we got roughly four thousand of these “Friends”-esque films that vaguely altered plot points and character histories to expand on a proven television character formula. To this day, while the cast gets considerably less screentime, the roles don’t deviate from the previous archetypes: Courtney Cox is about the only one of the six that seems to be making a push at something different. Her show “Dirt” didn’t last, which is a shame, not because it was good, but because I wouldn’t want to give any credence to the theory that she should ‘stick with what works.’ Once Schwimmer or LeBlanc make the aforementioned drug drama, or team up to battle West African poachers via “Predator”-like human-hunting and skinning rituals, I’ll check back in to see what’s going on. Until that day, however, I say keep the TV off, and those six bastards away from the big screen.

6. Videogames Do Not Make Good Movies

While you have to give Hollywood the nod for a good effort in trying to tap the fanboy market before such strategies proved out as successful, the 90s attempts made in this realm were lackluster and half-assed at best. It must have taken some balls for the first film exec to propose sinking a hundred or so million into a kindergarten-level plot scenario, especially when considering the depth of most videogame backstories. Let’s not even talk about the 1993 “Super Mario Bros.” movie that nearly killed off the videogame-to-movie genre (Hopper, you are still on my list for that nightmare), moving instead to “Street Fighter” and the miserable distinction that movie earns by clocking in as Raul Julia’s last credited role (disgraceful).

Not only did we get a film as mature and sophisticated as a box of Cracker Jacks, we got Van Damme taking himself seriously in a movie that couldn’t walk a straight line with a compass. “Double Dragon,” “Mortal Combat,” and the former’s unforgiveable sequel (which is too terrible to even mention aloud) rounded out a decade of shitty movies based on games. Sadly, unlike many other entries on this list, the film industry did not take heed of this painful 90s lesson, as they continue to crank out installment after installment of vomit-inducing game interpretations, including “Max Payne,” “Bloodrayne,” “Resident Evil” (and sequels), “Doom,” “Final Fantasy,” and many, many others. It’s not enough that when playing a game and waiting for the next action scene to load we’re often submerged in a veritable pool of half-assed story lines and unnecessary character expositions, but with these films we got extended stretches of this torture. Soon (I hope) people will stop seeing these crapasterpieces, the money will fail to cover costs, and once and for all, this shitty genre will be put to bed.

5. More Action and Special Effects Doesn’t Always Make a Film Better

Films like “Predator 2,” “Heat,” “Casino,” “Hot Shots Part Deux,” “Commando,” “Die Hard 2″ & “3,” and “True Lies” all respected a hollowed Hollywood tradition of killing faceless bad-guys by the bushel-full, side-stepping realistic plot points and character development for a finale bigger and louder than last summer’s (nothing wrong with that). Before critics began assessing movies on a kill-count scale and bemoaning the loss of low-budget person-pictures, studios in the 90s cranked out a seemingly endless line of balls-to-the-wall action pictures that took for granted the anxious, coke-addled audiences of the 1980s, and the rehab that calmed them all down. The studios had been able to get away with shallow action pics in the 80s as the CGI-less films weren’t all that expensive to make, and usually did moderate enough business to turn a profit. Hoping that they could simply plug in the correct stock actors and formulaic plots to turn out another $100+ million dollar cash-cow, films in the 90s sank more and more money into louder explosions, higher actor-premiums, and cross-market ad campaigns so that the diminishing returns for each summer’s watershed picture might re-coup the losses from the previous year’s disappointment.

When “Twister” and “Independence Day” hit big, the studios resigned themselves to a new strategy: keep the action, but inject more special effects! Hence, there came about the most unholy marriage in cinematic history: blind action laced seamlessly with unnecessary special effects. What was to follow was picture after picture trying to one-up the last, holding on desperately to their action formula whilst trying to kick up the water-cooler buzz with the newest developments in CGI. While these kinds of films did make money at first, the formula was not stable, and people quickly began abandoning these blockbuster pictures for the independent art-house films that started springing up at Sundance and Cannes. Indeed, expensive flops like “Volcano,” “Wild Wild West” and “Last Action Hero” signaled to many at the studios that some serious rethinking was in order if they were to move back into the black, choices that would entail making films about realistic people with actual problems, something that no doubt terrified Hollywood executives who had no experience with such foreign concepts.

4. Schwarzenegger and Stallone Are Not To Be Trusted

Riding the already-crested wave of “Rambo” and “Rocky” films into the 90s, it was “Cliffhanger” that convinced producers that Stallone could still turn in a buck. Schwarzenegger was practically untouchable at the beginning of the decade, cementing his astronomical per-film asking price with “Terminator 2″ and the river of money that followed from that. Yet as already discussed, the 90s thought the action trend would never die and hence kept casting Arnold and Sly in a series of gut-busting adventure pics that consistently underperformed compared to the previous offering. The signs were there with Seagal and Van Damme’s waning popularity in the mid-90s, indicating that the bastard offspring of greater men could no longer snatch the scraps from Sly and Arnold’s script rejection piles and make them work.

Even Sly and Arnold must have sensed it, as both began padding their bottom lines with attempts at softer roles, venturing into diabolically shameful exercises in crap such as “Stop, Or My Mom Will Shoot!” and “Junior.” By the second half of the decade, even the back-to-basics explosion epics weren’t selling any longer, films like “Assassins,” “Daylight,” “Eraser,” “End of Days,” and “Batman and Robin” (I just shit myself thinking about that movie, the pain 10+ years old, yet still fresh) falling with hallow thuds once released. While respect should be conveyed where due, and plenty of respect should be shown to epic 80s man-fests like “Terminator,” “Rocky IV,” and “Rambo II,” their time had simply passed. Like any pet or amusing creature that has lived a good life, and is now too old to rise without a quivering leg and spontaneous urine stream to match, Sly and Arnold should have been taken to the farm to live “in the country,” their capacity to amuse as dead as their careers.

3. Will Smith Is A More Profitable Actor Than Rapper

Rappers were turning out movies in the 90’s like it was going out of style! Ice Cube, Ice T, LL Cool J, Tupac, Snoop Dogg and ass-loads of other masters of the mic milked their success for every possible drop, makin’ paper six different ways from Sunday. And then there was Will Smith who, until the above-mentioned “Wild Wild West,” was absolutely unapproachable at the box office during the 90s, something he can brag about to this day as he’s still able to guarantee solid returns (though not always good films). Yet it’s hard to remember that in 1995, Will Smith was little more than another in a long line of rappers-turned-actors who just so happened to stumble into a pretty successful Martin Lawrence cop-vehicle the year before. It was this established “Bad Boys” credit that gave the producers enough confidence to cast Smith in their newest special FX dazzler (”Independence Day”), a July blockbuster that went on to redefine the summer movie season like no other film since “Jaws.”

“Men In Black” and an ocean of money followed, as did “Enemy of the State,” which proved every new movie of his did not need a hit single to accompany the release (though I’d be curious to see what the Fresh Prince could have cooked up for an espionage thriller cut). While he obviously took time to refine his craft via acting lessons and careful role choices, it’s amazing to think that there was ever a time that this guy didn’t own the unquestioned respect of the Hollywood machine, commanding eight-figure picture deals and admiration amongst his colleagues (which no longer consists solely of DJ Jazzy-Jeff).

2. Brad Pitt Can Act

Nobody predicted this, and for good reason, as the 1980s didn’t provide any real hope that good-looking men could achieve anything even remotely close to a believable performance. Richard Gere was the last to pull it off during the early 80s, and by the 90s he was fairly well resigned to making crappy romcoms to keep his accountant happy, leaving a void for respectably handsome men in demanding dramatic roles. Immediately making every woman on the planet wet with his topless turn in “Thelma and Louise,” Brad got his first big break with 1994’s “Legends of the Fall,” getting a co-star credit as the most tragically beautiful, misunderstood, and tortured man on earth in a role that hit with every woman, both living and dead. And to make sure he was tapping any available hidden revenues with the “dead” markets, 1994 also saw the release of Hollywood’s male dream team, “Interview With a Vampire,” pairing Brad up with Tom Cruise, Antonio Banderas, and Christian Slater.

Yet Brad did something nobody expected in the coming years: he began reading scripts. The evidence of this freakishly uncharacteristic Hollywood move is in the man’s resume, as he began accepting challenging, audience-offending roles like they were going out of style. 1995 provided “Se7en” and “12 Monkeys,” the latter blowing pretty much everybody watching out of the water for not only was Pitt decidedly NOT handsome in the role, but crazy as rat shit (and believably so). An understated co-starring role in “Sleepers” cemented his reputation in the business as a performer who could not only act, but read, as he was picking roles not for the paychecks, but for content. This all culminated in his career-defining turn in 1999’s “Fight Club,” a film that signaled the end of two hollow decades by turning a mirror on all 20 years, revealing to the world what lies hidden in the hearts of most young men standing in a historical void, seeking validation from a batch of years that gave almost nothing yet demanded everything. It was a stunning revelation, especially since it came from the man who, at the beginning of the decade, might easily have set himself up to become the unholy personification of empty commerce his Tyler Durden character likely would have strangled.

1. Ruining a Franchise is Quick, Tidy, and Easy

Our current decade has brought us a number of notable entries into the litany of ruined franchises (good Christ, et tu, “Indiana Jones”?), but the 90s swung one hell of a big stick as it concerned sunken cash cows. “The Godfather,” “Star Wars,” “Batman,” “Alien,” “Beverly Hills Cop,” “Child’s Play,” “Jurassic Park,” “The Prophecy”: all of them ruined by appalling sequels that annihilated any credit stored in the bank from previous successes. (The decade tried to kill “Rocky” as well, but Sly simply would not let Balboa go.) As if to signal the horrible promise of the 90s, Coppola dropped his pants and squeezed out a devastating first volley in a decade practically shot to pieces by shit-pics not worthy of straight-to-video release. Personally, I hate Sofia Coppola like doctors hate cancer, and this sentiment is at peak levels these days with the wounds inflicted by “Marie Antoinette” still not fully healed. It was at a young age that I learned to despise that vacant cow, watching, wincing, shuddering as she tried desperately to keep up with astronomically better actors and a script that obviously had way too many big words. And speaking of the script, even if F.F. Coppola had not cast his daughter, and instead went with somebody who actually knew what the hell they were doing, I can’t imagine anybody overcoming the tediously slow and uninteresting plot which kept people in their seats for what felt like nine years.

But to harp too much on Francis would be unfair, for what became of the “Batman” franchise was, if nothing else, fascinating, as each installment after Burton’s 1989 reboot edged Bruce Wayne et al closer and closer toward the campy nonsense that nearly killed the franchise in the 60s. And that’s not even mentioning what Spielberg did to pull an about-face and immediately ruin everything he had begat with the original “Jurassic Park” (keeping Goldblum center-stage in the sequel was a valiant attempt to crank up the awesome, but to no avail). And as for Lucas, you really have to give it up to the guy who not only gave us the first chunk of a three-part pooch-screw in 1999 (”Episode 1: The Phantom Menace”), but actually managed to go back and ruin three already-good films during the originals “Star Wars” trilogy’s re-release! Congrats, Mr. Lucas. Every couple of years you go out there and prove your critics wrong, shocking the world and all the pundits by consistently reinventing the capacities of suck for all connoisseurs of disaster to follow in your considerable wake. Take a bow, sir: you’ve earned it.

Tags: 10, 1990s, 90s, awful, bad, decade, films, movies, Taught, ten, things, top, Top 10 Lists, top ten, trends, us

This decade was a great one for genre films. If anything, it could be remembered as the decade that fantasy/sci-fi/action films really grew up. Of course, Peter Jackson created the critically and commercially successful “Lord of the Rings” trilogy, capping it all off with the first Best Picture win for a fantasy movie ever in 2004. Looking back at the best films from 2000 - 2009, there are plenty of films that creatively combined genre elements to reach a higher cinematic truth. It was extremely hard to pick just 10. Impossible, even. That’s why I have 20 runners-up. Then we get to the list and right off the bat, I’m cheating. This list is really a Top 11, but I grouped the first two together by director. Take your pick which one is which. Most of all, enjoy this list of the best movies of the decade.

20 Runners-up: “Mulholland Drive” (2001),“24 Hour Party People” (2002), “Inglourious Basterds” (2009), “The Pianist” (2002), “American Splendor” (2003), “Pan’s Labyrinth” a.k.a. “El Laberinto del Fauno” (2006), “Road to Perdition” (2002), “Spider-Man 2” (2004), “Moulin Rouge!” (2001), “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” (2000), “Dancer in the Dark” (2000), “Ghost World” (2001), “Fahrenheit 9/11” (2004), “The Dark Knight” (2008), “Knocked Up” (2007), “City of God” a.k.a. “Cidade de Deus” (2003), “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly” (2007), “X2: X-Men United” (2003), “Synecdoche, New York” (2008), and “Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan” (2006).

10. Munich (2005) and A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2002)

Steven Spielberg made both of these soul-shaking films in the first half of the decade. Not bad. “Munich” is set in the early 1970s, but grapples with the still unsolvable Israeli/Palestinian conflict. Rather than give us a civics lecture (like Robert Redford in “Lions for Lambs” or Paul Haggis’ overwrought “Crash,” which unforgivably beat “Munich” for Best Picture), Spielberg uses his skill at concocting thrillers to put the viewer under severe duress along with Eric Bana and his conscience-stricken team of Israeli assassins as they violently avenge the 1972 Munich Olympics massacre. Concurrently, he challenges the viewer to weigh the human consequences of an escalating terrorist war. “Munich” is mature, thought-provoking work from a director who, despite complicated turmoil from his own political/religious camp, is not afraid to wear his heart on his sleeve. With “A.I.,” Spielberg put the viewer in another pair of unlikely shoes—those of a robot boy (Haley Joel Osment) programmed to give unconditional love. Spielberg finished an ambitious project that was originally started by Stanley Kubrick, plumbing the depths of despair and joy all in the same picture. “A.I.” was marketed as a summer blockbuster, but remains a rumination on the lengths at which people will go to counter a devastating loss. The tricky (and often misunderstood) ending theorizes that trying to remedy the situation with technology could result in heartbreak a million fold.

9. Where the Wild Things Are (2009)

Spike Jonze’s adaptation of the controversial Maurice Sendak children’s book turned out to be—guess what?—controversial. Jonze and co-writer Dave Eggers re-imagined the mysterious “wild things” as tightly wound balls of insecurity and brought them to life with a combination of giant furry costumes, wonderful computer-generated facial expressions, and expressive voicework. After lashing out as his mother and sister, 9-year old Max spends his time on the island confronting his own feelings and doing some growing up of his own, especially after realizing how hard it is to be a leader. While they may not understand the storytelling devices used in the movie, children will understand the raw emotion and relate to a kid who’s just trying to figure out the world he lives in. Also—parents, be warned: There are some moments that may frighten small children, just like other classic children’s movies such as “Bambi” and “The Wizard of Oz.”

8. The Aviator (2004)

Martin Scorsese’s detailed and epic biopic of Howard Hughes’ early years in Hollywood is a love letter to a real maverick (Let’s take that word back!) and the early go-for-broke spirit of cinema. The movie is filled with all the glitz and glamour of Tinseltown in its heyday, but profiles a larger-than-life public figure whose daring and confidence were soon to be destroyed completely by mental illness. Leonardo DiCaprio is so restrained and natural as Hughes that it’s easy to overlook the magnitude of this performance—the actor is in virtually every scene in the two-and-a-half hour film and undergoes a thorough transformation. Cate Blanchett earned a well-deserved Oscar for channeling screen legend Katherine Hepburn, and Scorsese is at the top of his game, juggling one historic event after another while keeping the story rooted in Hughes’ growing alienation. The elaborate look of the film changes slightly to match the decade of filmmaking that the scenes take place in, but it’s that personal focus that gives “The Aviator” an emotional wallop that’s quite unexpected.

7. The Wrestler (2008)

Here’s a film that hinges on the authenticity of its main character even more than “The Aviator.” Since director Darren Aronofsky went for an ultra-realistic narrative style with point-of-view camerawork, the actor who played pro wrestler and 80s has-been Randy “The Ram” Robinson had to be thoroughly convincing. Luckily, the director won his fight to cast an 80s has-been in his own right: actor Mickey Rourke. The result was one of the most poignant films of the last 10 years, even if it does revolve around a big guy in green tights who gets beat up for a living. “The Wrestler” chronicles his attempts to connect with a single-mom stripper (Marisa Tomei) and his struggle to come to terms with his wreck of a life. Rourke makes “The Ram” eminently likable, and his formidable charisma also results in some unexpectedly funny and tender moments as well. “The Wrestler” comes with all Rourke’s hard-scrabble emotional baggage, and it feels so real, it doesn’t even look like acting.

6. Memento (2000)

How often does a thriller come along that feels like a reinvention of the genre? Apparently, the answer is no more than once a decade. Before he reinvigorated the superhero movie as a serious crime drama in “The Dark Knight,” Christopher Nolan helmed this ingenious low-budget head-spinner about Leonard Shelby (Guy Pearce), a man who is trying to solve the murder of his wife but has no short-term memory. In order to similarly handicap the audience, Nolan tells Leonard’s story in reverse-order 10-minute snippets while also advancing a flashback memory chronologically. Believe it or not, for all its structural gimmickry, “Memento” delivers in spades. Nolan exploits the idea for suspense, mystery, and (in one memorable scene) laughs—but he also does something else. He explores the ultimate reason for memory’s existence and how it relates to our identity as human beings. Another movie on this list has similar ideas about memory and its significance, but arrives at them in a completely different way. (See #1.)

5. No Country for Old Men (2007)

Joel and Ethan Coen return to the familiar theme of chaos in the universe with a film that’s both a white-knuckle suspense movie and an existential discourse. Adapting Cormac McCarthy’s novel, the Coens and expert cinematographer Roger Deakins use the widescreen pallet of the Old West as a backdrop to sustain a pit-in-your-stomach feeling of unpredictable dread. Tommy Lee Jones’ philosophical musings anchor the film as he searches for meaning in life through the actions of his father and Texas lawmen of the past. Enter Javier Bardem’s pageboy from Hell—Anton Chigurh—who besides being the scariest movie character since Hannibal Lecter, also represents the whole of that uncaring universe. When the plot goes off the rails towards the end, it is nothing less than the destruction of the suspense movie. There is no final showdown. The main character is dispatched offscreen, and it throws the audience off completely. Don’t worry. Jones’ Sheriff Bell is confused too, and the only thing he can do is stick to the code of justice that he’s familiar with. It’s that uncertainty that drives the entire movie.

4. Almost Famous (2000)

Whenever I need to explain to someone my fanatical devotion to all things rock n’ roll, I lend them my copy of “Untitled,” the extended-length DVD version of Cameron Crowe’s semi-autobiographical masterpiece “Almost Famous.” Set in the 70s, the film is brimming to the top with perfectly realized period detail and authenticity, but its story is timeless. A budding teenage rock journalist (Patrick Fugit) learns some hard truths about friendship, loyalty, and being true to oneself when he goes on the road with Stillwater, a “midlevel band struggling with their own limitations in the harsh face of stardom.” Crowe received a richly deserved Oscar for the ambitious screenplay—which contains some of the funniest, smartest, and most quotable lines of any movie in recent memory—and elucidates the both blissful transcendence and pitiful ironies of rock n’ roll. Let’s not forget the actors who round out the movie’s amazing ensemble: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Kate Hudson, Jason Lee, Frances McDormand, Billy Crudup, Zooey Deschanel, Anna Paquin, Noah Taylor, and Fairuza Balk. Plus, a first: Even Jimmy Fallon is great in this movie.

3. There Will Be Blood (2007)

From the first “silent” reel of Paul Thomas Anderson’s epic paean to corrupted American ambition, “There Will Be Blood” is a uniquely gripping experience. Anchored by an Oscar winning tour-de-force performance from Daniel Day-Lewis as turn-of-the-century oilman Daniel Plainview, the film is a disturbing and darkly funny portrait of a man who slowly and completely loses his humanity. Plainview’s cutthroat competitiveness and inability to feel anything for other human beings makes for an uncompromisingly bleak vision. The aesthetically-pleasing factor comes from director of photography (and Oscar winner) Robert Elswit, whose gorgeous 35mm cinematography makes the sprawling desert and spurting oil rigs come alive. “There Will Be Blood” is also shot with enough “magic hour” natural light to rival even Terrence Malick’s famously ethereal “Days of Heaven.” Anderson’s script explores and sometimes celebrates (in its own twisted way) the unchecked ambition of extraordinary men. When Plainview’s insatiable greed meets the driven appetite of a young preacher (Paul Dano), it brings out the worst in both men and sets up a classic conflict of the ages.

2. Children of Men (2006)

Alfonso Cuaron’s stirring sci-fi drama has in spades what many of its contemporaries lack—a sense of immediacy. This comes partly from an apocalyptic setting that’s 20 years in the future but doesn’t seem too far from today. It’s also because it sports the most visceral action scenes in years. Cuaron’s single-take, single-camera point of view during two remarkable sequences keep the audience rooted in the urgency of the crisis while the film’s setting keeps the audience thinking about today. The human race’s sudden, unexplained infertility is the device used to plunge the world into chaos, but it’s just a more aggressive extension of modern issues. Clive Owen is the perfect modern hero—a cynical, emotionally bruised man who must rise to the occasion when a huge responsibility comes out of nowhere. A shell-shocked former political activist, Owen’s Theo carries the burden with the rugged determination of someone who hasn’t had a reason to live in years. It may have been filmed during a time of political upheaval, but with new worldwide economic and environmental directions being plotted every day, Cuaron’s exceptional piece of pure cinema is a timely plea for rational thought and hope against all odds.

1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

Director Michel Gondry and screenwriter Charlie Kaufman collaborated to put together that rare film that fits easily into no genre and intrigues both the mind and the soul. Repeated viewings only increase the notion that this movie is an undisputed classic. Through a broken-up couple that wants to “erase” each other from their memories, the film poses many questions about love, fate, and memory while teasing the viewer with a narrative that gives new meaning to the word “fractured.” The most impressive part? It all makes clear emotional sense. Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet are the perfect complicated couple—they fight just as much as they love, experiencing the highs and lows of their time together. “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” reminds us that even the bad memories are key to our very sense of being. As Carrey struggles to regain his memories, they disappear before our very eyes with unmatched creativity. Gondry’s endless bag of lo-fi visual tricks is right in line with the idea that a mechanical device the shape of a carburetor could suck the memories related to one person right out of your head forever. But don’t let the inventive special effects fool you. “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” is as honest and true an examination as you’ll ever get about the intricacies of romantic companionship, and it is the best film of the decade.

Tags: , 2000, 2009, best, decade, films, last, list, oughts, top, Top 10 Movies of the Decade, Top Ten Movies of the Decade, year

This year will be remembered as the year that in-theater experiences went mainstream. Not only did James Cameron’s much-hyped IMAX 3D spectacular “Avatar” open to $77 million this past weekend, but movies in these formats were coming out on a consistent basis all year long and doing great business. Hopefully, filmmakers will continue to use 3D to enhance storytelling like “Coraline,” and not just use it as a gimmick. That said, the movies that made my list this year that were released in 3D or IMAX (#8 and #1) work just as well without them. Nothing beats a well-told story.

Runners-up: “The Road,” “A Serious Man,” “The Messenger,” “Coraline,” “Capitalism: A Love Story,” “Bruno,” “Fantastic Mr. Fox,” “Star Trek,” “District 9,” Drag Me to Hell.”

10. The Hurt Locker

Anchored by a quiet and commanding Jeremy Renner (as an Iraq War bomb diffuser), Kathryn Bigelow’s riveting movie works as both a suspense film and a character study. As Renner’s confident but dangerous veteran joins a new bomb squad, his conflicts with his new teammates begin to reveal the true nature of the man who must lead them. Bigelow is no stranger to men with adrenaline fetishes (she directed “Point Break” and “Strange Days”), but this movie is in a whole different ballpark. It’s a serious examination of what makes a man like him (no pun intended) tick.

9. The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans

Nicolas Cage is delightfully unhinged in this bizarre movie from iconoclast Werner Herzog that, despite its title, is not a remake of the 1992 Abel Ferrara film. Instead, it’s a noirish thriller that disregards the tenets of the genre about halfway through and heads down its own twisted, irresistible path. Cage hasn’t been this funny or riveting in years, and Herzog regards his protagonist with way more sympathy than one might expect for a guy who abuses hard narcotics and regularly hallucinates about lizards and breakdancing souls.

8. Up

The seven-minute montage of a married couple’s entire life together in this latest triumph from Pixar is the most moving short film in recent memory. What follows is a story about loss and learning to live that could have felt awfully familiar in lesser hands. Co-directors Pete Docter and Bob Peterson, however, combine expert storytelling with a crisply rendered animation style and enough clever ideas to fill three movies. Only Pixar would be able to make a movie where a man literally carries around his all of burdens—in the form of his house, elevated by balloons—on his back.

7. Sin Nombre

Cary Fukunaga’s powerful directorial debut tells the story of a wary Mexican gang member and a teenage Honduran girl stowing away on a train bound for the American border. The beautiful outdoor cinematography is a stark contrast to the hellish situations they find themselves in, while the naturalistic acting style lends more authenticity to the characters. It is an assured piece of work for a first feature film, and Fukunaga has a bright future ahead of him.

6. The Brothers Bloom

Doing a 360-degree turn from his minimalist teenage noir “Brick,” writer/director Rian Johnson turns to the con-man genre for this mischievous treat. Mark Ruffalo and Adrien Brody are artists—crooks who treat the long con like a literary work. In the middle of carrying out their masterpiece, one brother gets cold feet and falls in love with the intended victim (an eccentric heiress played by Rachel Weisz). Johnson mixes slapstick comedy, old-world European locations, and a surprising amount of danger into a clever and layered concoction that always keeps you guessing.

5. Anvil! The Story of Anvil

The best documentary of the year is a moving tale of determination, friendship, and courage—and it’s about a Canadian heavy metal band still plugging away at their career in their fifties. Director Sacha Gervasi was blessed not only with an infinitely charming main character (lead singer/guitarist “Lips”), but because he roadied for the band in his teens, he had their trust. This resulted in loads of revelatory interviews and fly-on-the-wall scenes that paint a fascinating picture of a band that refused to give up.

4. Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire

It may be a realistic portrait of an illiterate Harlem teenager, but director Lee Daniels’ “Precious” is also surprisingly impressionistic, getting inside the head of the title character (played so convincingly by newcomer Gabourey Sidibe). Mo’Nique is unflinchingly ferocious as Precious’ abusive welfare mother and Daniels coaches gritty performances out of an unrecognizable Mariah Carey and charming Lenny Kravitz as well. The movie is a disturbing yet somehow hopeful cry for help that suggests there may be a larger population of “precious” girls out there than anyone would care to admit.

3. Adventureland

Although it was marketed as a raunchy teenage comedy a la “Superbad,” this subtle film is actually a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age story from writer/director Greg Mottola. The movie doesn’t break new ground, but it captures all the apprehension and awkwardness of impending adulthood perfectly. A dialed-down cast (including Jesse Eisenberg, Kristen Stewart, Martin Starr, and Ryan Reynolds) hits all the right notes, as does its time-specific soundtrack. “Adventureland” is set in the pre-digital 80s, when personal connections were made face to face and, as such it retains a kind of nostalgia for those times.

2. Inglourious Basterds

Quentin Tarantino combines his love for spaghetti westerns and exploitation films to create a World War II film like none you’ve ever seen. More than a Jewish revenge fantasy, “Inglourious Basterds” is a love letter to the cinema that’s all about storytelling and the power of myth. Characters live and die by their reputation. Almost every scene is an interrogation of sorts with unforgettable performances from Christoph Waltz and Brad Pitt that go from menacing to hilarious in the same moment. In Tarantino’s world, the movies are always better than real life, and “Basterds” is no exception, with movies garnering the ultimate win.

1. Where the Wild Things Are

Spike Jonze’s movie of Maurice Sendak’s beloved children’s book is a shining example of the perfect adaptation. Parents were up in arms this year about how scary the film was and how it encouraged kids to act out—the same things that parents said about the book 46 years ago. What better compliment could there be? The film itself may be the most honest representation ever put to film of what it’s like to grow up. It doesn’t pander to kids. Rather, it takes those confusing and conflicting emotions very seriously. In the end, runaway Max (in an astonishingly naturalistic performance by newcomer Max Records) reconciles himself and—in the wordless closing scene—his relieved mother falls asleep watching her son eat. Beautiful.

Tags: 10, 2009, best, films, movies, ten, top, top 10 movies of 2009, year

Warren J Cantrell, the man who wrote so many Top 10 lists for us that he started his own site (10rant.com), is back! Here’s Warren:

I recently saw a movie with an assassin character that frightened me so thoroughly that I realized there were things in this world more terrible than credit card interest and reality television, more vile than Osama, the Wolfman, and Bill O’Rielly combined. In short, watching this film and its hitman, I realized just how juicy that particular character composite is, the possibilities afforded to a performer inhabiting somebody with a broken moral compass fascinating to say the least. I won’t mention the name of the film now, as its hitman made the #1 spot, and there’s nine other worthy options to get through before the top choice is revealed. To be in contention on the list, the hitman in question had to be just that: a hitman. Thus, no revenge operators, weekend warriors, or “fixers” were allowed, the entrants below characterized in their respective films specifically as assassins (sorry Michael Caine, “Get Carter” was sweet, but you weren’t a hitman, per se).

Sadly, Marshall Bell’s Webster from “Twins” was excused, for while that guy had the spirit of his character down what with his insistence that nobody saw his face and that human life was cheaper than a gum wrapper, the dude had trouble running down Danny friggin’ DeVito. While I love the guy and what his Frank character has brought to “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia,” if a hitman has a hard time pursuing that troll of a man, he isn’t worthy to shine the shoes of the characters below, let alone stand proudly beside them. Sam Rockwell and Tom Cruise are also missing from the list, the former (”Confessions of a Dangerous Mind”) because his character was a mediocre killer at best, the latter (”Collateral”) because he’s still in timeout due to “Last Samurai”-related atrocities. Spader’s Lee got left out from “2 Days in the Valley” not because he wasn’t pretty damn awesome, but if a hitman can’t even kill is own girlfriend, he needs to go back to the drawing board (the same goes for Malkovich in “In the Line of Fire,” who couldn’t even kill his prey or a 70-year-old Clint Eastwood). As a technicality, all Terminators must likewise be excluded, for be it Arnie, Patrick, or that freaky hand-cannon bitch, all those assassins were machines, hence not technically hitMEN. Also, pretty much any of the women from the “Kill Bill” series would have made it in had the films dedicated more time to exploring just how awesome those broads were in the performance of their duties (not that the I’m judging). Lastly, Timothy Olyphant got left out not because his character wasn’t pretty damn skilled, but because his movie (”Hitman”) completely blew, and for this reason I could not stomach ranking that performance ahead of…

10. Pierce Brosnan in “The Matador” (2005)

Brosnan got a lot of justifiably positive reviews for his turn in this film, his portrayal of a shattered, insecure, broken villain going so far against typecast that his “Julian” operated as a veritable anti-Bond. The turning point for his character was an uncharacteristic moment of hesitation during a routine execution, a long-since discarded scrap of humanity resurfaced at the most inopportune possible moment. What he realized through the course of this film was that he had made a total separation from the ordinary, that he’d abandoned basic human connections and relationships in deference to his craft. Though such a transformation is often a necessary sacrifice when maintaining an international gun-for-hire business, the effects on one’s personal life as portrayed through Julian in The Matador were devastating. Drunk, lonely, and desperate to realize just one legitimate relationship in his life, Brosnan’s character first called what few numbers he had only to realize anybody who knew him was rightly terrified of him and wanted nothing to do with the guy. It then became clear that when strangers got to know him, they too wanted nothing but distance from the increasingly unbalanced assassin, well-intentioned though he may have been. Desperate for a friend, he practically took one hostage, harassing Greg Kinnear’s character “Danny” until an uneasy bond developed between the two men. The meeting and reluctant friendship was ultimately serendipitous, as Julian taught Danny how nasty the world truly was outside of stupid business deals and hotel cocktail lounges. Through Danny, Julian got his edge back, pulling the trigger on a contract after a little help from his new friend, the assistance of whom proved that Julian had indeed gained a shred of humanity through a legitimate connection. True, the bond was ultimately cemented through a joint-effort assassination, yet in Julian the audience got a real-deal, precision killer, albeit one with a few issues that needed ironing out. This is something the next entrant could certainly relate to, a man who went through his own mid-life crisis during the picture…

9. John Cusack in “Grosse Pointe Blank” (1997)

Like the previous hitman, though Cusack’s character in this movie possessed some serious assassination skills, the man was more than a little damaged due to his profession. Funny thing was, his character “Martin” was less concerned about the taxing aspects associated with his job and more about the woman he had stood up ten years earlier. Telling his shrink that if a person met him in a “business” sense, chances are they did something to deserve it, and thus Martin approached it as a professional and never wavered. Courted by a shadowy association of assassins looking to add his considerable chops to their business resume, it’s understandable why the guy was in such demand. Capable of hits at long (bicycle messenger), medium (hotel poison and run-down), and short range (hallway kung fu battle) Cusack’s character knew what the hell he was doing. Maybe his best moment was the climactic house finale, when he took on roughly half a dozen hitters single-handedly, double-fisting semi-automatics, a single frying pan, and big-tube T.V. during the contest. To take this demonstration of killing prowess over, say, the mini-mart gunfight might seem a bit hasty, but remember, Martin didn’t kill anybody during that showdown. True, he scored heavily for getting his ass out in one piece despite an ambush, and extra style points for the fact that the battle took place in a store (soon to explode as a finale) renovated from his childhood home, that the guy proposed at the end of a bloodbath in his beloved’s home has to take the cake. So for that awesome demonstration at the end of the film to save both his life, and his chances of true love, Martin gets a spot.

8. Karl Urban in “The Bourne Supremacy” (2004)

Karl Urban has been getting a lot of great ink (and deservedly so) for his most recent turn as Dr. “Bones” McCoy in the most recent Star Trek re-boot. It was his performance as “Eomir” in the second and third Lord of the Rings films that caught most of the movie-going public’s attention, his tough-as-nails cavalry commander coming through in a pinch more than once to get his ass into the action. It was because of this manly cred. that most sat up and took more than passing glance at the assassin tracking down Jason Bourne in the second installment of the Bourne trilogy, and a familiar looking face that, while evil this time around, still radiated a fourteen pound pair of balls. Showing the audience that he was a force to be reckoned with, the hitman was right on Bourne’s ass in India as the first act got going in The Bourne Supremacy, something that showed the assassin had some serious chops: anybody capable of getting a bead on Bourne not one to be screwed with. Shooting Bourne’s woman during a brisk high-speed chase right before sending the couple’s jeep careening into a river, Kirill understandably figured his foe for dead, pretty much the only mistake he made throughout the picture. Reappearing near the end of the second act to mop up the job, Urban’s character reemerged in Russia, actually managing to put a slug in Bourne before beginning one of the gnarliest high-speed chases ever caught on film. True, Bourne ultimately got the drop on him, and smashed the cock-sucker’s car to pieces, yet something pretty amazing happened after that: Bourne let him live! True, Kirill’s clock looked to be running pretty slow, if not already stopped, when Bourne neglected to give the coup de grace, yet the audience almost got the sense that Bourne respected the guy too much to put him down, his skills and capacities as a hitman too outstanding to waste with a bullet. Though Kirill had killed Jason’s woman when she was sitting right next to him and had fired a bullet into his back, even this couldn’t break the unshakable respect shown between expert killers. While Clive Owen’s hitter in the first installment or even Bourne himself could have easily made it onto this list, to pick one assassin out of the entire trilogy that embodied the steely-eyed precision of government operatives and not select Urban’s “Kirill” would be a crime.

7. Lee Van Cleef in “The Good, The Bad and The Ugly” (1966)

Speaking of hard-dick assassins with no remorse and a frightful commitment to their craft, how could Van Cleef’s finest role get neglected? After going against type in For A Few Dollars More, Lee discarded the white protagonist hat for a darker shade, bringing a minimalist approach to a western archetype that had long since veered into near-comic ham-fistery. Showing the audience he was nothing if not professional, he killed “Stevens” at the beginning of the movie even after he’d learned about Carson’s gold, and even ate some of the guy’s dinner. Demonstrating from there that he was nothing if not an asshole, he went ahead and killed the guy who had contracted the Stevens hit, making sure nobody else would be going after a treasure only he had eyes for. Resourceful enough to hook up a non-com gig in the Army in order to facilitate his search, he showed that he was no slouch when it came to his skills, killing or maiming pretty much anybody who got in his way, and a few others that didn’t. As is often the case with special films and performances, what is most striking about Angel Eyes is what wasn’t seen. The audience must assume that since this guy was in position and ready at every turn, always on top of Blondie and Tuco no matter what path they followed, that this guy was one hell of an operator. On Tuco after the encounter with Carson, at the prison camp after he and Blondie had been captured, and appearing pretty much out of the ether at Sad Hill Cemetery, Angel Eyes was a deadly, persistent bastard, killed only because he met a slightly better man.

6. Richard Bright in “The Godfather,” et al 

There’s something to be said about some old-school Sicilian assassination shit, and that’s what you’re getting with Al Neri. To cheat a little and dive into his literary back story, this guy was a dude on the edge in the original novel, a cop prone to whipping the shit out of citizens with his large-handled flashlight. This kind of behavior got him divorced and thrown off the force and into the can, which is right where the Corleones found him. Putting Neri to work as a triggerman for the family, he quickly rose to the designated hitter spot within the ranks, acting as the go-to murderer and bodyguard for Michael after the boy-prodigy’s return from Italy. This is right about where The Godfather film picked up with his character, showing the guy at Michael’s hip after his return to the States, and in a policeman’s uniform gunning down Barzini during the famous baptism scene. In the second installment he rigged a brothel with a dead hooker to lock up Senator Geary’s loyalties early on, then went ahead and shot Fredo in the back of the head on orders. Most impressively, however, the guy had longevity in a business with a fairly short career-path. Still alive and kicking in Godfather III, Neri helped save Michael from helicopter assassins and even chipped in with the murder of an Archbishop at the end. Skilled beyond reproach, reliable, and loyal, this was one hell of a guy to have at the ready, willing to tow the line despite management fluctuations. Indeed, first to pledge his loyalty to Vincent after Michael had handed over power, Al showed that in a profession filled primarily with dickheads (see the previous entrant for evidence there), there were a few choice picks to be had. Indeed, when speaking of old-school sensibilities, and the embrace of a spotlight with little screen-time, how can we pass up…

5. Billy Connolly in “The Boondock Saints” (1999)

Getting in more for his mythic bad-assery and less because of his refined, polished, and flawless skills (hinted at, yet cruelly denied to the audience), dear old dad slips into contention because he perfectly embraced the power of the unknown. In the film, it was said that The Duke was brought in only three times over the course of twenty years, and only because “things were totally fucked.” A go-to man for the mafia, his particular skill involved killing those criminals who were most difficult to dispatch, that which was churned up in his wake seemingly more trouble than he was worth. Beyond this, and other subtle intimations like his handling when getting released from prison in a manner that would make Hannibal Lecter blush, the audience got the sense that this dude meant business in the old-school, Biblical sense. Going absolutely Josey Wales when off his leash, Il Duce went into battle with not just one or two guns, but six! Facing a trio of guys in this stand-off, he came out alive, wounding all three of his prey (a noteworthy achievement considering at least two of those individuals had God-Almighty personally protecting their asses). At the end, he helped engineer a hit against a known Mafioso on trial, successfully moving his crew in and out of an active courtroom while still getting the job leisurely done. What is most impressive, however, is what the man spawned, for truly, this guy had “hitman” coursing through his genes, his progeny as deadly a pair of killers as any that might be found on this list or elsewhere. Composed of a manly back story, admirable skills, a solid blood-line, and a steely resolve, the man certainly cast a long shadow over possible entrants on this list, failing to beat out the remaining characters only because of a shamefully low kill-count. Still, because he made even the scariest men in the film tremble, and because his presence was less associated with a man and more with a force of nature, Il Duce gets a nod.

4. Bruce Willis in “The Jackal” (1997)

This one would have made it higher than even this coveted spot had the assassin in question not been trapped in so shitty a movie. Indeed, while I have nothing against Richard Gere, the man has no business trying to cobble together an Irish accent, just as the director of this disaster, Michael Caton-Jones, has no business making films (his most recent contribution to cinema was Basic Instinct 2). The thing is, this was actually one hell of a slick hitman, Bruce Willis’ “Jackal” demonstrating many of the finest qualities associated with a professional murderer throughout this film. A master of disguise and obfuscation, The Jackal never kept one look for too terribly long, constantly changing his appearance in ways that didn’t just hide the fact that Bruce Willis is bald. Totally committed to his project, The Jackal never hesitated to kill anybody who got in his way. Along with his dismembering of poor Jack Black from over 50 yards out with a mounted automatic cannon, he also tortured a woman liver-shot for no other real reason than to prove he wasn’t to be fucked with. Hired to kill a high-level American personality to avenge the death of a Russian crime boss’ sibling, The Jackal immediately went to work setting up multiple covers in a number of different countries, employing stealth, cunning, savagery, and balls in his quest to take out the First Lady. Asshole that he was for such a move, the film allowed him to get close, ending his run in a subway with a hostage at the end, a confused-looking Richard Gere standing over his foe, almost certainly wondering how a guy who had played “Hudson Hawk” had stolen the best role of the film from him. It’s because he ultimately failed in his task and got smoked that The Jackal didn’t get higher consideration, for while the guy certainly knew his shit when it came to staying under the radar, employing sneaky espionage practices, and constructing sweet-ass machine guns, if a hitman can’t ultimately get the job done, how could one place him higher than say…

3. Jean Reno in “The Professional,” or “Leon” (1994)

You’re going to have to get up pretty early in the morning to get over on this guy, the two entries that beat him out in their respective places on this list not necessarily there because they were better, but because…well, more on that in a bit. With “Leon,” however, you’ve got the consummate professional, hence the title of the 1994 film. Set like a timer into his methodical routines, it is only by staying perfectly tuned and prepared that he achieved success in hit after hit. Though one might argue that the introduction of Matilda into his life brought him just that, a life, what one can’t argue is the steep decline in his job performance after he got a roommate. But while a pinch of humanity and a dash of purpose dulled his skills, they certainly didn’t annihilate them. After eliminating a squad of drug dealers and corrupt cops, he went on to single-handedly take on (and beat) several SWAT teams and “EVERYONE!!!!” associated with law enforcement in his particular neighborhood. Quick on his feet, resourceful, one hell of a shot, and of a perfect mind-set for assassinations (prior to the realization that he had an operational soul, that is) Leon was a tough customer to beat. Yet it’s because the audience got to know Leon so well that he did not achieve truly epic status and consideration. In the next entrant, as well as the last to follow, again, what was most striking and terrifying about the characters was not their actions and what you knew about them, but what they’d done and the seeming lack of purpose both in the murders and those perpetrating them.

2. Toshiro Mifune in “Incident at Blood Pass,”or “Machibuse” (1970)

Mifune was so friggin’ hard in this movie he made granite look like mashed potatoes. His seminal “man with no name” character returned one last time in this film about an elaborate double and triple-cross at a mountain cross-roads during Japan’s Edo period. The film started with Mifune’s familiar Yojimbo character receiving instructions about his next hit, getting orders to simply head to the top of a pass and wait for the action to come to him (he and the audience never have any doubt that it would). From here, Mifune’s character got caught in a series of intrigues at a small inn and tea house, cautiously surveying a situation that was slowly spiraling out of control. At first thought to be there in order to help hijack a gold shipment, Mifune’s Ronin character realized he’d been inserted into the drama to help facilitate a sneaky back-stab, his honor as a samurai put into question as a result. Totally confident, in control, and capable of slicing everybody he encountered into pieces small enough to fit through the top of a salt shaker, his hitman ultimately sacrificed duty for honor, protecting the innocent at the betrayal of his employer. What followed was a revenge-inspired finale whereby Mifune’s samurai character clean-cut and diced almost half a dozen guys in the course of maybe sixty seconds. What is most striking about this action was that it was withheld from the audience until the last few minutes of the film, Mifune’s very presence, stature, and posture throughout the previous 100 or so minutes inspiring all around him to stay the hell away. Indeed, there’s something to be said about a hitman who is so goddamned tough that his or her mere presence alludes to a danger lurking not far beneath the surface, everyone around them giving a wide berth without being told to. Without guns, arrows, explosives, disguises, or any real attempt to hide what he was, this Yojimbo character still got his job done (well, sorta, he did kill a whole bunch of fools), kicking ass, taking names, and looking as cool as shit in the process. While pretty damn awesome, he just barely missed out on the #1 spot, something reserved for the character who inspired a list (and some nightmares …)

1. Javier Bardem in “No Country For Old Men” (2007)

After the Oscars, all the critical acclaim, the box office revenues, and the positive word of mouth, it seems almost trite to heap another log on this film’s fire. Much has already been said about Mr. Bardem’s terrifying performance as “Anton Chigurh,” Roger Ebert perhaps getting the closest when he said that everybody else in the movie simply operated as a conditional reaction to Bardem’s character. Indeed, Chigurh’s disposition was such that everybody in his universe bent because of his presence, the innocent and guilty often falling victim to his principled reality simply because they were unlucky enough to cross his path. In Chigurh’s signature prop, the coin, this was represented most clearly, for be it a gas station attendant, highway patrolman, or marked contract in possession of $2 million in drug money: if you were face to face with this guy, he assumed you were just as likely to die as to live. Having unconditionally embraced his station in life, Chigurh operated in a manner that allowed for the least amount of confusion. Being a killer, if you met him, fate would have it that you should die. Being a killer, if you met him and you had in any way pissed him off or lined yourself up so that he was after you, then you would, without any question, die. As Bardem’s character explained to Harrelson’s, while he was often told “you don’t have to do this” when staring down his prey, to the shadowy assassin, nothing could be further from the truth. A killer in the most pure and honest sense of the word, the situation was quite the opposite: when about to pounce on his victim he did “have” to do it. Lions roar, monkeys throw shit, dogs bark and killers kill. Almost mythically endowed with talent and a skill to seemingly slink out of a tight spot via the shadows, Chigurh was not only an impossible-to-shake hitman, but the most honest, pure, undiluted assassin on this list or in film history. Totally committed to his purpose in life to the point that he felt compelled to kill nearly everybody fate threw in his path, the man came full circle, going from human, to monster, and back to human again, his brain void of reasoning beyond that which was needed to pull a trigger or flip a coin.

Tags: best, coolest, film, hitmen, list, movie, movies, ten, top, TOP 10 MOVIE HITMEN, top ten

Today’s Top 10 is a good one for the people who love Halloween but don’t like being scared as much as they like the costumes and fun of it all. Brian Reeves from Kansas City contributed this good-humored list of funny horror films. If you have a Top 10 list you’d like to contribute, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Brian:

Another Halloween is upon us, which means it’s time for costume parties, trick-or-treating with the kids, and scary movies. Well, not always “scary” movies. I consider myself a big horror movie buff. I’m the guy in college who watched every horror movie I could get my hands on. Good ones, bad ones I didn’t care, if it falls in the horror section, chances are I’ve seen it. But I figure there are going to be a lot of articles this week talking about scary movies you should watch for Halloween, so I’m going to take this one in a little different direction. I was originally going to write a list of the Top 10 reasons “Paranormal Activity” was a sucky movie, but I decided there was only so many creative ways to call a movie boring and uneventful. (Really, a slightly moving door and people standing in the dark is scary? Really?) Instead, I decided to have some fun with this list. After all, isn’t Halloween really about having fun? Dressing up as crazy things, getting together with your friends or family, and having a good time is what it’s all about. With that in mind, my thoughts immediately turned to one of my favorite films of the year, “Zombieland.” It’s a perfect combination of a few scares and good laughs–a perfect movie for this time of year. So with out further ado, here are my Top 10 fun movies to enjoy on Halloween.

10. Transylvania 6-5000 (1985)

Okay, there’s more comedy here then horror to start off, but this one is safe for the whole family. A movie financed by the Dow chemical company in order to spend “frozen” finances that the company had in Yugoslavia, this 80’s comedy takes us straight to the heart of classic monster country. Frankenstein has reappeared in Transylvania and an American tabloid wants in on the story. They dispatch two reporters, Jack Harrison (Jeff Goldblum) and Gil Turner (Ed Begley Jr.) to investigate. With Carol Kane, Geena Davis, Jeffery Jones, and Michael Richards all making appearances in the film, it’s like a name-that-actor trivia challenge for the adults in the room. The presence of the Wolfman, two hunchback lab assistants, and even a mummy makes sure all of the classic Transylvania monsters are present to get in on the fun. Campy, Cheesy, Perfect.

Gil Turner: Do you smell perfume?
Jack Harrison: Yes. I know what was in this room.
Gil Turner: What?
Jack Harrison: The Creature from Estee Lauder.

9. Mars Attacks! (1996)

I had a hard time deciding if this movie even belonged on the list since it’s really more sci-fi than horror. But then I decided, “Screw it. It’s my list anyway, who cares!” The first film from director Tim Burton to appear on this list, “Mars Attacks!” is a campy send-up of 1950s alien invasion movies. The premise here is simple: The aliens are invading, they do not come in peace, and what the hell are we going to do about it? It’s the little things here that keep this one so near and dear to my heart. From the rayguns that take their sound from “War of the Worlds” to the subtle background taken straight from “Plan 9 From Outer Space” when the aliens first address earth, this film really shows it’s love for old-style matinee B-movies. “Mars Attacks!” also features yet another cast that reads as a who’s who of Hollywood, with Jack Nicholson, Glenn Close, Annette Bening, Danny DeVito, Michael J. Fox and many, many more recognizable faces (including one of the early roles for Jack Black) all come together to make this easily the most impressive cast on this list.

President Dale: I want the people to know that they still have two out of three branches of the government working for them, and that ain’t bad.

8. The Frighteners (1996)

Looks like 1996 was a pretty good year. Long before he was spinning tales about hobbits and rings, Peter Jackson was making some amazingly twisted horror movies. And while I love “Bad Taste” and “Dead Alive,” the Michael J. Fox vehicle “The Frighteners” is his film that makes the most sense for this list. Fox plays Frank Bannister, a psychic who can see and talk to ghosts. He uses this skill to open his own ghostbusting business.I don’t want to give too much away with this one, just know that this movie is a rollercoaster thrill ride and here things are never quite what the seem. Featuring great supporting performances from Jake Busey and R. Lee Ermey, “The Frighteners” is sure put you on the edge of your seat and tickle your funny bone at the same time.

Frank Bannister: Why is it that flies stick to you guys like shit to a blanket?
Cyrus: Ha ha, very funny. You’re a funny guy, Frank. You know, all you think about is
yourself. I could complain, too, you know. I would like some new clothes. You get to dress
nice. Here I am still looking like Linc from The Mod Squad.
Frank Bannister: You died in the 70’s. It’s a bummer.

7. Bubba Ho-Tep (2002)

Elvis and JFK, both alive and in a nursing home, fight for the souls of their fellow residents as they battle an ancient Egyptian mummy. Yes, you read that correctly. All that needs to be known about this movie can be summed up in four words: Bruce Campbell as Elvis. Well, what are you waiting for, go watch it! I mean like, right now!

Elvis: Ask not what your rest home can do for you. Ask what you can do for your rest home.
JFK: Hey, you’re copying my best lines!
Elvis: Then let me paraphrase one of my own. Let’s take care of business.
JFK: Just what are you getting at, Elvis?
Elvis: I think you know what I’m gettin’ at Mr. President. We’re gonna kill us a mummy.

6. From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)

Welcome back. A little more serious than the movies on this list so far, this Quentin Tarantino-written, Robert Rodriguez-directed journey into a lair of Mexican vampires is a little hard to classify. It starts out as a Tarantino-like crime movie about two brother bank robbers on the run. They take a family hostage to cross into Mexico, and then abruptly it turns into a B-movie horror splatterfest. While some point to the film’s unevenness as a flaw, I think it just adds to the fun. It certainly keeps it from getting boring. George Clooney and Harvey Keitel both help the movie keep its serious side, while never undermining the B-movie late night fun this film is obviously intended to be. Danny Trejo and Tom Savini (the man behind the effects in the original “Friday the 13th” and “Dawn of the Dead”) appear in supporting roles.

Kate: Are you okay?
Seth: Peachy, Kate. The world’s my oyster, except for the fact that I just rammed a wooden
stake in my brother’s heart because he turned into a vampire, even though I don’t believe in
vampires. Aside from that unfortunate business, everything’s hunky-dory.

5. Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight (1995)

Ah yes, “Tales from the Crypt.” The HBO series that started in 1989 was always a favorite of mine. With this film, the premium cable series made its first and best transition to the big screen. The plot is fairly simple: A man carrying something very important holes up in a roadside motel while being chased by the forces of Hell itself. From there it becomes a simple survival tale. Who lives, who dies, who cares? Much like the television series, this film doesn’t take itself too seriously. And much like “From Dusk Till Dawn,” eventually this film becomes about the demon body count. With tongue firmly planted in cheek, Billy Zane, William Sadler, and Thomas Haden Church takes us through what the Crypt Keeper affectionately calls a “deadtime story.” This movie also has a killer soundtrack for any metalheads out there featuring music from Pantera, Machine Head, Biohazard, Minstry, Melvins and Sepultura.

Crypt Keeper: Fasten your drool cups, and ready your vomit bags! We’re going to the movies!
Frights, camera, action!

4. Planet Terror (2007)

Two words: Machine-gun leg! Robert Rodriguez makes his second showing on my list. The first half of the under-appreciated double feature “Grindhouse,” “Planet Terror” is an almost perfect homage to 70s B-level horror. A bio-virus is released on a small town and zombie style hi-jinks begin as El Wrey (Freddy Rodriguez), a man with a secret past, tries to save the town and the woman he loves. Rodriguez is able to again strike a nice balance between the horror and comedy. Purposely bad dialogue and plot holes galore (including a missing reel) are a great nod to the large number of terrible low-budget horror films that are released every year. But this movie never falls into the tedium that comes with most of the films “Planet Terror” parodies. Josh Brolin, Michael Biehn, Bruce Willis, and the smoking-hot Rose McGowan combine to give us yet another example of how Rodriguez can do big budget terror with a sly smile and Halloween fun sensibilities.

El Wray: I need someone to drive my truck.
Sheriff Hague: I’ll do it.
El Wray: You’re bleeding like a stuck pig. Your vision is probably blurred, and you’re on
your last leg…
Sheriff Hague: [sarcastic] Anything else?
El Wray: Don’t wreck it.

3. Beetlejuice (1988)

He’s the ghost with the most. Another Tim Burton film comes in at number three. It’s hard to imagine there’s anyone out there who hasn’t seen this Michael Keaton classic. In a role that was originally intended for Sammy Davis Jr., Keaton put on one of the iconic performances of his career as Beetlejuice. A recently deceased couple who’s stuck living in their own house for the afterlife wants to get rid of the new living family that’s moved in. They enlist the services of Beetlejuice to exorcise the living from their home. A wacky movie with ghosts, laughs, and island music numbers. This film is one of a kind. You know you love it, so go watch it again this Halloween.

Adam: What are your qualifications?
Betelgeuse: Ah. Well… I attended Juilliard… I’m a graduate of the Harvard business
school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good
time during that. I’ve seen the EXORCIST ABOUT A HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVEN TIMES, AND IT
KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT… NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU’RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY… NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK? You think I’m qualified?

2. Army of Darkness (1992)

The third film in Sam Raimi’s “Evil Dead” series, “Army of Darkness” takes the camp of the first two to an entirely different level. Ash (Bruce Campbell again) has been sucked through a vortex and ends up in medieval times. He then must begin his quest to find the Necromonicon. Raimi’s trademark style and Campbell’s one-liners make this about a much fun as you can have battling an army of the dead. I don’t know what else to say about this one except if you haven’t seen it, I don’t think we can be friends anymore. There are simply too many great lines from this movie to pick just one, but I suppose I’ll have to try.

Ash: Alright you Primitive Screwheads, listen up! You see this? This… is my boomstick! The twelve-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart’s top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That’s right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about a hundred and nine, ninety five. It’s got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That’s right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. You got that?

1. Ghostbusters (1984)

If I have to tell you why this is number one then you haven’t seen “Zombieland” yet and that, my friends, is a true shame. Go see it and then re-live this Ivan Reitman-directed classic. It still makes me laugh out loud every time I watch it. Happy Halloween, everybody!

Dr. Peter Venkman: Alice, I’m going to ask you a couple of standard questions, okay? Have you or any of your family been diagnosed schizophrenic? Mentally incompetent?
Librarian Alice: My uncle thought he was Saint Jerome.
Dr. Peter Venkman: I’d call that a big yes.

Tags: 10, best, films, fun, funny, halloween, horror, lighthearted, movies, ten, top, Top 10 Fun Movies for Halloween, Top Ten Fun Movies for Halloween

A couple of years ago, I wrote a list of Top 10 Overlooked Scary Movies that got spread around the Web quite a bit. Best of all, the comment section became a great place for people to recommend other horror flicks that may not have received the attention they deserve. Today’s new list is kind of a companion piece to that one. If you are tired of renting the same stupid remakes and played-out franchises every Halloween, try some of these suggestions on for size. Some are scary (even though they may not be traditional horror movies) and some are campy, but each one of the films below has something special about it. You should seriously consider renting any of the following that you haven’t seen this Halloween.

If you have your own idea for a Top 10 list, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com.

10. Opera (1987)

This certainly isn’t the most solid movie of Italian giallo master Dario Argento’s career, but it contains two of his most visually impressive set pieces. Not known for concise (or even rational) plotting, some of Argento’s movies work better as rough frameworks that only exist to showcase a couple of inspired scenes of murder and mayhem. In this case, the central premise is based on something Argento used to joke about doing to audiences that wanted to turn away from the intense gore in his films: taping needles to their eyelids to force them to stay open. A killer stalks the movie’s heroine and does just that, forcing her to watch as he kills her friends. This movie really is all about the spectator and the eye itself. Set piece one: A flashy crane shot follows crows as they fly over the audience during an opera and descend upon a killer’s eyes. Number two: A slo-mo close-up of a bullet as its fired through a peephole in a door and–you guessed it–into someone’s eye! Yikes.

9. Sleepy Hollow (1999)

Loosely based on Washington Irving’s classic “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow,” this dark and funny Tim Burton movie finds the director and his favorite star (Johnny Depp, of course) having a ball upending conventions. Depp plays Ichabod Crane not as a standard hero but as an outsider–a nerdy, frightened man of science who can’t quite fathom the fact that the decapitations he’s come from New York City to investigate seem to be supernatural in nature. Christopher Walken portrays the Headless Horseman (when his head is visible), and the Oscar-winning art direction creates a spooky, mist-filled tangle of trees and forced perspectives. It may not be Depp’s funniest Burton role (that distinction belongs to “Ed Wood”), but the star’s quirky take on Crane make it loads of fun. In addition, “Sleepy Hollow” is a surprisingly violent and gorgeous movie to look at.

8. Near Dark (1987)

Unless you already knew going in, you’d likely never guess that the same woman who directed this year’s Iraq bomb-squad drama “The Hurt Locker” also helmed this twisted little vampire family story back in the late 80s. Kathryn Bigelow has always been interested in characters who crave danger (see “Point Break”), but Bill Paxton’s performance as psychopathic vampire Severen is so over-the-top cruel that he’s as funny as he is threatening. When a young cowboy in Oklahoma (Adrian Pasdar) gets turned into a vampire by a sexy young drifter (Jenny Wright), he is forced to “meet the parents,” so to speak, and enters the dangerous world of a group of vamps who live in a camper. The ending is kind of a cop-out, but Bigelow’s combination of the Western and the vampire movie has as many memorable landscape shots as it does moments of genuine tension and funny dialogue.

7. Magic (1978)

Speaking of people who you wouldn’t think would be working in the horror genre, this movie is full of prestige Hollywood personalities. Anthony Hopkins plays a creepy magician-turned-ventriloquist named Corky who spends almost as much time killing people as he does talking to his dummy Fats. Adapted by William Goldman (”Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid,” “All The President’s Men,” “The Princess Bride”) from his novel and directed by Richard Attenborough (”Gandhi”), “Magic” is a true oddity. It starts off as a low-key (but still off-kilter) psychological examination of a person with multiple personality disorder. As Corky’s madness progresses, however, so does his temper. The scenes between Hopkins and Ann-Margret (who is the object of Corky’s unhealthy obsession) are a weird mix of tenderness and nail-biting restlessness. Burgess Meredith is also on hand to play Corky’s slimy but effective manager.

6. Slither (2006)

Sexual frustration manifests itself in the form of slimy little slugs that come from outer space in this sly and campy horror film from director James Gunn. Like a mash-up of David Cronenberg (”Dead Ringers”) and the Troma studio (”The Toxic Avenger”), “Slither” combines the desires of the flesh and the absurdity of campy horror into an inspired concoction. Nathan Fillion is the small town sheriff who must make sense of it all while still pining for his high school sweetheart (Elizabeth Banks). She’s unfortunately married to Grant Grant (Michael Rooker), the richest man in town, whose sudden ravenous desires lead to the disappearances of local pets and some strange physical deformities. “Slither” successfully combines fast-moving CGI elements that true B-movies can’t afford with the more traditional lumbering (and often hilarious) creature effects that can make them so fun to laugh at. The whole thing is  put together with a smart and silly sense of humor.

5. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)

Director Philip Kaufman (”The Right Stuff”) directed this sci-fi/horror remake, which is unique because it’s one of the rare remakes that’s actually better than the original (Don Seigel’s 1956 film of the same name). Replacing Seigel’s Cold War metaphor with a satire of the “me” decade and all of its excesses, Kaufman peppers his movie with hippies, poets, and an evil pop psychiatrist played by Leonard Nimoy. As Donald Sutherland and Brooke Adams try to uncover the truth about an alien race that’s replacing humans with unfeeling duplicates, Kaufman lays on the paranoia as thick as the parody. The result is a movie that is by turns genuinely creepy and clever.

4. An American Werewolf in London (1981)

John Landis pulls off the same feat here. Besides the Oscar-winning werewolf transformation scene by legendary make-up artist Rick Baker, this movie has a lot of other shocking and sometimes very scary moments. But it also features some of the funniest bits in any horror movie ever, as a graphically decomposing Griffin Dunne continues to haunt his old pal David Naughton (who is turning into a werewolf now) and annoy the living crap out of him. Landis mixes up fantasy/nightmare sequences to catch the audience off guard, and the gory scenes are few and far between, but this also heightens their effect.

3. Videodrome (1983)

Universal is set to remake this unsettling David Cronenberg movie (Why oh why?) that features James Woods as a public-access TV channel owner who programs a mysterious show that mesmerizes viewers by showing scenes of torture and murder. He has higher aspirations than using the snuff film for cheap entertainment, however. Cronenberg was way ahead of the curve in predicting the huge volume of TV screens that would be available and the enormous influence they would have in the future. He may not have predicted that we’d be watching tiny screens on our cell phones, but his perverted take on media had video physically melding with people’s bodies, resulting in the cult movie’s catch phrase “Long live the new flesh!” A remake that updates the technology won’t have the time-specific cultural references and may just miss the point altogether. See the original soon.

2. Eyes Without a Face, or Les yeux sans visage (1960)

Even though this disturbing French flick is widely considered a classic now (it’s available on Criterion DVD after all), I talk to people all the time who have never seen it. Georges Franju went from documentaries to directing this controversial horror film about a doctor who kidnaps young women and surgically removes their faces in an attempt to graft them onto his daughter’s, after hers was mutilated in a car accident. The psychological complexity of the three lead characters is rare for a horror movie, as is the beautiful black-and-white cinematography and the matter-of-fact handling of the plot’s more sordid details. Besides retaining much of its original shock value almost 50 years later, “Eyes Without a Face” also burns its haunting images into your brain forever. The young daughter’s white, expressionless mask was the inspiration for John Carpenter to similarly hide Michael Myers’ face in the orginal “Halloween.”

1. Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (1986)

It may not be considered a strict horror movie, but it’s certainly the most terrifying film on this list. Especially when viewed in the same faux-documentary light as “Paranormal Activity,” “Henry” renders the act of murder in a far more banal and realistic manner. John McNaughton loosely based this harrowing no-budget film on real-life killer Henry Lee Lucas. Although it isn’t designed to make you think it’s a documentary, the dispassionate acting and lack of a budget make it sometimes feels like one. Michael Rooker portrays Henry as an aimless, soulless man whose existence is so dulled that he finds a purpose in life only after he begins to murder others and videotape it. The movie was considered so gruesome that it sat on a shelf for three years gathering dust before Oscar-winning documentarian Errol Morris dusted it off to sponsor a showing at the Telluride Film Festival. Since then, the unrated movie been the subject of much debate due to its startlingly violent palette and authentic style. Warning: Do not watch this one alone.

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