Warren J Cantrell, the man who wrote so many Top 10 lists for us that he started his own site (10rant.com), is back! Here’s Warren:

I recently saw a movie with an assassin character that frightened me so thoroughly that I realized there were things in this world more terrible than credit card interest and reality television, more vile than Osama, the Wolfman, and Bill O’Rielly combined. In short, watching this film and its hitman, I realized just how juicy that particular character composite is, the possibilities afforded to a performer inhabiting somebody with a broken moral compass fascinating to say the least. I won’t mention the name of the film now, as its hitman made the #1 spot, and there’s nine other worthy options to get through before the top choice is revealed. To be in contention on the list, the hitman in question had to be just that: a hitman. Thus, no revenge operators, weekend warriors, or “fixers” were allowed, the entrants below characterized in their respective films specifically as assassins (sorry Michael Caine, “Get Carter” was sweet, but you weren’t a hitman, per se).

Sadly, Marshall Bell’s Webster from “Twins” was excused, for while that guy had the spirit of his character down what with his insistence that nobody saw his face and that human life was cheaper than a gum wrapper, the dude had trouble running down Danny friggin’ DeVito. While I love the guy and what his Frank character has brought to “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia,” if a hitman has a hard time pursuing that troll of a man, he isn’t worthy to shine the shoes of the characters below, let alone stand proudly beside them. Sam Rockwell and Tom Cruise are also missing from the list, the former (”Confessions of a Dangerous Mind”) because his character was a mediocre killer at best, the latter (”Collateral”) because he’s still in timeout due to “Last Samurai”-related atrocities. Spader’s Lee got left out from “2 Days in the Valley” not because he wasn’t pretty damn awesome, but if a hitman can’t even kill is own girlfriend, he needs to go back to the drawing board (the same goes for Malkovich in “In the Line of Fire,” who couldn’t even kill his prey or a 70-year-old Clint Eastwood). As a technicality, all Terminators must likewise be excluded, for be it Arnie, Patrick, or that freaky hand-cannon bitch, all those assassins were machines, hence not technically hitMEN. Also, pretty much any of the women from the “Kill Bill” series would have made it in had the films dedicated more time to exploring just how awesome those broads were in the performance of their duties (not that the I’m judging). Lastly, Timothy Olyphant got left out not because his character wasn’t pretty damn skilled, but because his movie (”Hitman”) completely blew, and for this reason I could not stomach ranking that performance ahead of…

10. Pierce Brosnan in “The Matador” (2005)

Brosnan got a lot of justifiably positive reviews for his turn in this film, his portrayal of a shattered, insecure, broken villain going so far against typecast that his “Julian” operated as a veritable anti-Bond. The turning point for his character was an uncharacteristic moment of hesitation during a routine execution, a long-since discarded scrap of humanity resurfaced at the most inopportune possible moment. What he realized through the course of this film was that he had made a total separation from the ordinary, that he’d abandoned basic human connections and relationships in deference to his craft. Though such a transformation is often a necessary sacrifice when maintaining an international gun-for-hire business, the effects on one’s personal life as portrayed through Julian in The Matador were devastating. Drunk, lonely, and desperate to realize just one legitimate relationship in his life, Brosnan’s character first called what few numbers he had only to realize anybody who knew him was rightly terrified of him and wanted nothing to do with the guy. It then became clear that when strangers got to know him, they too wanted nothing but distance from the increasingly unbalanced assassin, well-intentioned though he may have been. Desperate for a friend, he practically took one hostage, harassing Greg Kinnear’s character “Danny” until an uneasy bond developed between the two men. The meeting and reluctant friendship was ultimately serendipitous, as Julian taught Danny how nasty the world truly was outside of stupid business deals and hotel cocktail lounges. Through Danny, Julian got his edge back, pulling the trigger on a contract after a little help from his new friend, the assistance of whom proved that Julian had indeed gained a shred of humanity through a legitimate connection. True, the bond was ultimately cemented through a joint-effort assassination, yet in Julian the audience got a real-deal, precision killer, albeit one with a few issues that needed ironing out. This is something the next entrant could certainly relate to, a man who went through his own mid-life crisis during the picture…

9. John Cusack in “Grosse Pointe Blank” (1997)

Like the previous hitman, though Cusack’s character in this movie possessed some serious assassination skills, the man was more than a little damaged due to his profession. Funny thing was, his character “Martin” was less concerned about the taxing aspects associated with his job and more about the woman he had stood up ten years earlier. Telling his shrink that if a person met him in a “business” sense, chances are they did something to deserve it, and thus Martin approached it as a professional and never wavered. Courted by a shadowy association of assassins looking to add his considerable chops to their business resume, it’s understandable why the guy was in such demand. Capable of hits at long (bicycle messenger), medium (hotel poison and run-down), and short range (hallway kung fu battle) Cusack’s character knew what the hell he was doing. Maybe his best moment was the climactic house finale, when he took on roughly half a dozen hitters single-handedly, double-fisting semi-automatics, a single frying pan, and big-tube T.V. during the contest. To take this demonstration of killing prowess over, say, the mini-mart gunfight might seem a bit hasty, but remember, Martin didn’t kill anybody during that showdown. True, he scored heavily for getting his ass out in one piece despite an ambush, and extra style points for the fact that the battle took place in a store (soon to explode as a finale) renovated from his childhood home, that the guy proposed at the end of a bloodbath in his beloved’s home has to take the cake. So for that awesome demonstration at the end of the film to save both his life, and his chances of true love, Martin gets a spot.

8. Karl Urban in “The Bourne Supremacy” (2004)

Karl Urban has been getting a lot of great ink (and deservedly so) for his most recent turn as Dr. “Bones” McCoy in the most recent Star Trek re-boot. It was his performance as “Eomir” in the second and third Lord of the Rings films that caught most of the movie-going public’s attention, his tough-as-nails cavalry commander coming through in a pinch more than once to get his ass into the action. It was because of this manly cred. that most sat up and took more than passing glance at the assassin tracking down Jason Bourne in the second installment of the Bourne trilogy, and a familiar looking face that, while evil this time around, still radiated a fourteen pound pair of balls. Showing the audience that he was a force to be reckoned with, the hitman was right on Bourne’s ass in India as the first act got going in The Bourne Supremacy, something that showed the assassin had some serious chops: anybody capable of getting a bead on Bourne not one to be screwed with. Shooting Bourne’s woman during a brisk high-speed chase right before sending the couple’s jeep careening into a river, Kirill understandably figured his foe for dead, pretty much the only mistake he made throughout the picture. Reappearing near the end of the second act to mop up the job, Urban’s character reemerged in Russia, actually managing to put a slug in Bourne before beginning one of the gnarliest high-speed chases ever caught on film. True, Bourne ultimately got the drop on him, and smashed the cock-sucker’s car to pieces, yet something pretty amazing happened after that: Bourne let him live! True, Kirill’s clock looked to be running pretty slow, if not already stopped, when Bourne neglected to give the coup de grace, yet the audience almost got the sense that Bourne respected the guy too much to put him down, his skills and capacities as a hitman too outstanding to waste with a bullet. Though Kirill had killed Jason’s woman when she was sitting right next to him and had fired a bullet into his back, even this couldn’t break the unshakable respect shown between expert killers. While Clive Owen’s hitter in the first installment or even Bourne himself could have easily made it onto this list, to pick one assassin out of the entire trilogy that embodied the steely-eyed precision of government operatives and not select Urban’s “Kirill” would be a crime.

7. Lee Van Cleef in “The Good, The Bad and The Ugly” (1966)

Speaking of hard-dick assassins with no remorse and a frightful commitment to their craft, how could Van Cleef’s finest role get neglected? After going against type in For A Few Dollars More, Lee discarded the white protagonist hat for a darker shade, bringing a minimalist approach to a western archetype that had long since veered into near-comic ham-fistery. Showing the audience he was nothing if not professional, he killed “Stevens” at the beginning of the movie even after he’d learned about Carson’s gold, and even ate some of the guy’s dinner. Demonstrating from there that he was nothing if not an asshole, he went ahead and killed the guy who had contracted the Stevens hit, making sure nobody else would be going after a treasure only he had eyes for. Resourceful enough to hook up a non-com gig in the Army in order to facilitate his search, he showed that he was no slouch when it came to his skills, killing or maiming pretty much anybody who got in his way, and a few others that didn’t. As is often the case with special films and performances, what is most striking about Angel Eyes is what wasn’t seen. The audience must assume that since this guy was in position and ready at every turn, always on top of Blondie and Tuco no matter what path they followed, that this guy was one hell of an operator. On Tuco after the encounter with Carson, at the prison camp after he and Blondie had been captured, and appearing pretty much out of the ether at Sad Hill Cemetery, Angel Eyes was a deadly, persistent bastard, killed only because he met a slightly better man.

6. Richard Bright in “The Godfather,” et al 

There’s something to be said about some old-school Sicilian assassination shit, and that’s what you’re getting with Al Neri. To cheat a little and dive into his literary back story, this guy was a dude on the edge in the original novel, a cop prone to whipping the shit out of citizens with his large-handled flashlight. This kind of behavior got him divorced and thrown off the force and into the can, which is right where the Corleones found him. Putting Neri to work as a triggerman for the family, he quickly rose to the designated hitter spot within the ranks, acting as the go-to murderer and bodyguard for Michael after the boy-prodigy’s return from Italy. This is right about where The Godfather film picked up with his character, showing the guy at Michael’s hip after his return to the States, and in a policeman’s uniform gunning down Barzini during the famous baptism scene. In the second installment he rigged a brothel with a dead hooker to lock up Senator Geary’s loyalties early on, then went ahead and shot Fredo in the back of the head on orders. Most impressively, however, the guy had longevity in a business with a fairly short career-path. Still alive and kicking in Godfather III, Neri helped save Michael from helicopter assassins and even chipped in with the murder of an Archbishop at the end. Skilled beyond reproach, reliable, and loyal, this was one hell of a guy to have at the ready, willing to tow the line despite management fluctuations. Indeed, first to pledge his loyalty to Vincent after Michael had handed over power, Al showed that in a profession filled primarily with dickheads (see the previous entrant for evidence there), there were a few choice picks to be had. Indeed, when speaking of old-school sensibilities, and the embrace of a spotlight with little screen-time, how can we pass up…

5. Billy Connolly in “The Boondock Saints” (1999)

Getting in more for his mythic bad-assery and less because of his refined, polished, and flawless skills (hinted at, yet cruelly denied to the audience), dear old dad slips into contention because he perfectly embraced the power of the unknown. In the film, it was said that The Duke was brought in only three times over the course of twenty years, and only because “things were totally fucked.” A go-to man for the mafia, his particular skill involved killing those criminals who were most difficult to dispatch, that which was churned up in his wake seemingly more trouble than he was worth. Beyond this, and other subtle intimations like his handling when getting released from prison in a manner that would make Hannibal Lecter blush, the audience got the sense that this dude meant business in the old-school, Biblical sense. Going absolutely Josey Wales when off his leash, Il Duce went into battle with not just one or two guns, but six! Facing a trio of guys in this stand-off, he came out alive, wounding all three of his prey (a noteworthy achievement considering at least two of those individuals had God-Almighty personally protecting their asses). At the end, he helped engineer a hit against a known Mafioso on trial, successfully moving his crew in and out of an active courtroom while still getting the job leisurely done. What is most impressive, however, is what the man spawned, for truly, this guy had “hitman” coursing through his genes, his progeny as deadly a pair of killers as any that might be found on this list or elsewhere. Composed of a manly back story, admirable skills, a solid blood-line, and a steely resolve, the man certainly cast a long shadow over possible entrants on this list, failing to beat out the remaining characters only because of a shamefully low kill-count. Still, because he made even the scariest men in the film tremble, and because his presence was less associated with a man and more with a force of nature, Il Duce gets a nod.

4. Bruce Willis in “The Jackal” (1997)

This one would have made it higher than even this coveted spot had the assassin in question not been trapped in so shitty a movie. Indeed, while I have nothing against Richard Gere, the man has no business trying to cobble together an Irish accent, just as the director of this disaster, Michael Caton-Jones, has no business making films (his most recent contribution to cinema was Basic Instinct 2). The thing is, this was actually one hell of a slick hitman, Bruce Willis’ “Jackal” demonstrating many of the finest qualities associated with a professional murderer throughout this film. A master of disguise and obfuscation, The Jackal never kept one look for too terribly long, constantly changing his appearance in ways that didn’t just hide the fact that Bruce Willis is bald. Totally committed to his project, The Jackal never hesitated to kill anybody who got in his way. Along with his dismembering of poor Jack Black from over 50 yards out with a mounted automatic cannon, he also tortured a woman liver-shot for no other real reason than to prove he wasn’t to be fucked with. Hired to kill a high-level American personality to avenge the death of a Russian crime boss’ sibling, The Jackal immediately went to work setting up multiple covers in a number of different countries, employing stealth, cunning, savagery, and balls in his quest to take out the First Lady. Asshole that he was for such a move, the film allowed him to get close, ending his run in a subway with a hostage at the end, a confused-looking Richard Gere standing over his foe, almost certainly wondering how a guy who had played “Hudson Hawk” had stolen the best role of the film from him. It’s because he ultimately failed in his task and got smoked that The Jackal didn’t get higher consideration, for while the guy certainly knew his shit when it came to staying under the radar, employing sneaky espionage practices, and constructing sweet-ass machine guns, if a hitman can’t ultimately get the job done, how could one place him higher than say…

3. Jean Reno in “The Professional,” or “Leon” (1994)

You’re going to have to get up pretty early in the morning to get over on this guy, the two entries that beat him out in their respective places on this list not necessarily there because they were better, but because…well, more on that in a bit. With “Leon,” however, you’ve got the consummate professional, hence the title of the 1994 film. Set like a timer into his methodical routines, it is only by staying perfectly tuned and prepared that he achieved success in hit after hit. Though one might argue that the introduction of Matilda into his life brought him just that, a life, what one can’t argue is the steep decline in his job performance after he got a roommate. But while a pinch of humanity and a dash of purpose dulled his skills, they certainly didn’t annihilate them. After eliminating a squad of drug dealers and corrupt cops, he went on to single-handedly take on (and beat) several SWAT teams and “EVERYONE!!!!” associated with law enforcement in his particular neighborhood. Quick on his feet, resourceful, one hell of a shot, and of a perfect mind-set for assassinations (prior to the realization that he had an operational soul, that is) Leon was a tough customer to beat. Yet it’s because the audience got to know Leon so well that he did not achieve truly epic status and consideration. In the next entrant, as well as the last to follow, again, what was most striking and terrifying about the characters was not their actions and what you knew about them, but what they’d done and the seeming lack of purpose both in the murders and those perpetrating them.

2. Toshiro Mifune in “Incident at Blood Pass,”or “Machibuse” (1970)

Mifune was so friggin’ hard in this movie he made granite look like mashed potatoes. His seminal “man with no name” character returned one last time in this film about an elaborate double and triple-cross at a mountain cross-roads during Japan’s Edo period. The film started with Mifune’s familiar Yojimbo character receiving instructions about his next hit, getting orders to simply head to the top of a pass and wait for the action to come to him (he and the audience never have any doubt that it would). From here, Mifune’s character got caught in a series of intrigues at a small inn and tea house, cautiously surveying a situation that was slowly spiraling out of control. At first thought to be there in order to help hijack a gold shipment, Mifune’s Ronin character realized he’d been inserted into the drama to help facilitate a sneaky back-stab, his honor as a samurai put into question as a result. Totally confident, in control, and capable of slicing everybody he encountered into pieces small enough to fit through the top of a salt shaker, his hitman ultimately sacrificed duty for honor, protecting the innocent at the betrayal of his employer. What followed was a revenge-inspired finale whereby Mifune’s samurai character clean-cut and diced almost half a dozen guys in the course of maybe sixty seconds. What is most striking about this action was that it was withheld from the audience until the last few minutes of the film, Mifune’s very presence, stature, and posture throughout the previous 100 or so minutes inspiring all around him to stay the hell away. Indeed, there’s something to be said about a hitman who is so goddamned tough that his or her mere presence alludes to a danger lurking not far beneath the surface, everyone around them giving a wide berth without being told to. Without guns, arrows, explosives, disguises, or any real attempt to hide what he was, this Yojimbo character still got his job done (well, sorta, he did kill a whole bunch of fools), kicking ass, taking names, and looking as cool as shit in the process. While pretty damn awesome, he just barely missed out on the #1 spot, something reserved for the character who inspired a list (and some nightmares …)

1. Javier Bardem in “No Country For Old Men” (2007)

After the Oscars, all the critical acclaim, the box office revenues, and the positive word of mouth, it seems almost trite to heap another log on this film’s fire. Much has already been said about Mr. Bardem’s terrifying performance as “Anton Chigurh,” Roger Ebert perhaps getting the closest when he said that everybody else in the movie simply operated as a conditional reaction to Bardem’s character. Indeed, Chigurh’s disposition was such that everybody in his universe bent because of his presence, the innocent and guilty often falling victim to his principled reality simply because they were unlucky enough to cross his path. In Chigurh’s signature prop, the coin, this was represented most clearly, for be it a gas station attendant, highway patrolman, or marked contract in possession of $2 million in drug money: if you were face to face with this guy, he assumed you were just as likely to die as to live. Having unconditionally embraced his station in life, Chigurh operated in a manner that allowed for the least amount of confusion. Being a killer, if you met him, fate would have it that you should die. Being a killer, if you met him and you had in any way pissed him off or lined yourself up so that he was after you, then you would, without any question, die. As Bardem’s character explained to Harrelson’s, while he was often told “you don’t have to do this” when staring down his prey, to the shadowy assassin, nothing could be further from the truth. A killer in the most pure and honest sense of the word, the situation was quite the opposite: when about to pounce on his victim he did “have” to do it. Lions roar, monkeys throw shit, dogs bark and killers kill. Almost mythically endowed with talent and a skill to seemingly slink out of a tight spot via the shadows, Chigurh was not only an impossible-to-shake hitman, but the most honest, pure, undiluted assassin on this list or in film history. Totally committed to his purpose in life to the point that he felt compelled to kill nearly everybody fate threw in his path, the man came full circle, going from human, to monster, and back to human again, his brain void of reasoning beyond that which was needed to pull a trigger or flip a coin.

Tags: best, coolest, film, hitmen, list, movie, movies, ten, top, TOP 10 MOVIE HITMEN, top ten

You can look at this list as a sequel of sorts to lists that J.D. and I wrote in 2006. The Top 10 Overlooked Movies lists were designed to give you something to rent that you may not have heard about or had the wrong idea about. Think of this as an updated version of that list, inspired in part by the new Ricky Gervais film “The Invention of Lying,” opening this weekend. He starred in a great little romantic comedy from last year that disappeared from theaters without a trace (see #10) and it got me thinking again: What other new-ish movies do I never hear anything about anymore? What happens to great films after they suffer disappointing box office runs? The answer? They turn up here.

If you have an idea for your own Top 10 list, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com.

10. Ghost Town (2008)

He saw dead people, but nobody saw this movie. As a self-centered dentist who must grapple with the fact that dead people are suddenly asking him favors at every turn, Ricky Gervais is just testy enough to feel make the silly seem authentic—and very, very funny. He also pulls off the tricky task of convincing an audience to love a prickly bastard and root for his romance with ghost Greg Kinnear’s widow (Tea Leoni). Writer/director David Koepp peppers his movie with just enough cynicism and to keep “Ghost Town” from falling into bad rom-com Hell, and when things do get a little sappy, it actually works.

9. Zathura (2005)

This is the little-seen kids-oriented movie that Jon Favreau directed right before he did “Iron Man.” On the surface, it’s a story about a house that gets transported without warning into outer space by a mysterious board game. There’s a visiting spaceman, a giant robot, and the lizard-like Zorgons to contend with, but most of all, “Zathura” is about the camaraderie and friendship of two young brothers (Josh Hutcherson and Jonah Bobo) that’s always marred by varying degrees of competition and jealousy. Favreau shows that even before “Iron Man” he knew how to strike just the right balance between character and fantasy. (Sidenote: It was co-adapted from the book by David Koepp, who also co-wrote and directed “Ghost Town.” Weird.)

8. The Lookout (2007)

Having adapted the Elmore Leonard novels “Get Shorty” and “Out of Sight,” screenwriter Scott Frank makes a sure-handed directorial debut with this modest crime caper set in Kansas City. Chris (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) is crippled with guilt and not able to function at a normal cognitive level anymore after a tragic high school car accident. His roommate is a blind father figure played by Jeff Daniels. Things get complicated for Chris when he meets a shady new crowd and they draft him into a scheme that he isn’t entirely aware of. Gordon-Levitt (who would go on to do “500 Days of Summer” and “G.I. Joe” this year) shines as the regretful loner and Matthew Goode (”Watchmen”) is magnetic as his new friend. The crime element is well-played, but its the characters you’ll really remember.

7. The Upside of Anger (2005)

The best female performance of 2005 in any movie was Joan Allen’s funny and fearless turn in a misrepresented film called “The Upside of Anger.” The hard-drinking, hard-charging Terry Ann Wolfmeyer is the razor-sharp creation of writer/director Mike Binder and, though you may think from the ad campaign that it is a touchy-feely family film, you’ll know from the moment you see Allen dismiss her daughter’s dreams in a fierce verbal barrage that you are in for more than you bargained for. Snappy dialogue is a rare find in Hollywood these days, and Allen and co-star Kevin Costner are on their game in this biting movie that avoids sinking into sentimentality until the moment it becomes almost unbearable not to.

6. The New World (2005)

The fact that the touching love story between John Smith (Colin Farrell) and young native princess Pocahontas (Q’orianka Kilcher) in Jamestown, Virginia probably never took place does not take away from writer/director Terrence Malick’s ability to tap into an emotional core that few directors achieve. The movie feels strange and new, like the English explorers must have felt coming upon a land unseen by “civilized” eyes, or how the native Algonquin people must have felt seeing those huge ships sail up to their shores. It also dismantles the entire rose-colored vision of America’s discovery and re-imagines historical events like the first Thanksgiving, all with the director’s trademark impressionistic style.

5. The Matador (2005)

Although he travels to exotic locales and is paid handsomely to be a “facilitator of fatalities,” Julian (Pierce Brosnan) is desperate and lost. He’s losing his knack for being a hitman, and realizes the trivial nature of his existence. His life is a series of frenzied one-night stands when he meets a mild-mannered salesman in Mexico City (Greg Kinnear). The two form an unlikely friendship, and soon Kinnear is doing all sorts of things he shouldn’t be. This is a funny, stylish movie from writer/director Richard Shepard that constantly feels as if it’s going to fall apart, yet it never quite does. It also showcases a depraved comedic side of Brosnan that is kind of a shock after all those years of playing the suave James Bond.

4. The Fountain (2006)

Before the neo-realism of “The Wrestler,” director Darren Aronofsky achieved a unique kind of narrative cohesion that defied traditional plot-driven mechanics with this lovely, stirring, and personal film. The combination of moody music, beautiful visuals, and rhythmic editing transports viewers back and forth through 16th Century Spain, a present-day medical struggle, the Fountain of Youth, the Tree of Life, and a future where Hugh Jackman floats through space in a clear bubble. While the ultimate meaning of the film may be up for interpretation, there’s no denying the film’s power to overtake the viewer. It’s narrative cohesion comes not from story, but rather the exquisiteness of its images and its transcendent life/death themes.

3. The Black Dahlia (2006)

Brian DePalma’s hugely theatrical adaptation of James Ellroy’s dark novel is one of the most criminally misunderstood movies in recent memory. Advertised as a film based on the real-life events surrounding L.A.’s most notorious unsolved murders, audiences and critics were instead treated to the pulpy, operatic descent into darkness of two 1940s L.A. cops (Aaron Eckhart and Josh Hartnett) and the woman they both love (Scarlett Johansson). Flamboyant camerawork and extravagant set design apparently weren’t enough to clue people in that this was meant to be a lusty and overheated soap opera set against the backdrop of a sick and twisted Hollywood. This is black noir the likes of which have never been seen, and the exaggerated acting by all involved is just part of the fun. This one is destined for a re-evaluation.

2. Speed Racer

To dismiss one of the most inventive movies in recent memory as a candy-colored assault on the senses is missing the point completely. This groundbreaking offering from the Wachowski brothers was unfairly bashed like no other movie last year. Like most films that are ahead of their time, though, I’m sure that “Speed Racer” will have its day. Rather than depicting reality, 14 different effects houses worked together to create a new form of “layered unreality” where nothing that is seen on the screen can actually exist in real life. The goal? A live-action interpretation of Japanese anime. The effects teams literally pieced together layer upon layer, essentially becoming the production design heads and “virtual” cinematographers. The pacing is frenetic, and the movie is probably too long for its own good, but as a bold experiment in storytelling, nothing else from last year is as invigorating.

1. Broken Flowers (2005)

Jim Jarmusch’s “Broken Flowers” tackles life’s ambiguous big picture and comes up with– guess what?– more ambiguity. A compelling portrait of loneliness tied together by a mystery plot, this meditative film has a wide-open array of interpretations. What it does subtly and surely, by putting Bill Murray’s eminently likable face on a character who stands in for our own existential nightmares, is ask us to face our own past and future. Does examining one’s regret require a complete flameout like Murray’s unfortunate Don Johnston, or will the inevitable march of time deal us cards of redemption? Murray keeps his hand close to his chest, wearing his best Poker face, and standing in for the viewer throughout. Devious in its simplicity, “Broken Flowers” has two transcendent moments of truth for every one silly and charming moment. Murray is alternately heartbreaking and hilarious in a role that Jarmusch wrote specifically for him, and there are no two better supporting performances in 2005 than the ones by Frances Conroy and Jeffrey Wright.

Tags: films, new, overlooked, overlooked movies, ten, top, Top 10 Lists, Top 10 Overlooked Movies of the Last Five Years, top ten, underappreciated

Today’s Top 10 comes from indie filmmaker Trey Hock, and this is a list I’ve tried my hand at several times, but never completed. It’s such a daunting amount of research because the cliche is: “The book is always better then the movie.” Not. Always. True. Anyway, get arguing and get ready to enjoy Trey’s Top 10 Movies as Good or Better Than Books They’re Based On. If you have your own list to contribute, just email me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Trey:

When I first sat down to write this list, I thought that I was getting ready to start some trouble, but I’m not sure that most of the list will cause much controversy. I do think there are a couple of items that may raise an eyebrow, but for most part, this list helps to illustrate a point. Books and movies are just different. One is not better than the other. Sure, you can make a crappy movie from a great book, but you can make a crappy from nothing at all. Vice versa, you can take the core idea from a bad book and turn it into something really cool.

Let’s put the emphasis back on the screenwriters and filmmakers to do their jobs well, because even if you disagree that these movies are as good or better then their books, it’s hard to deny they are at least good movies. So it can be done.

10. The Shawshank Redemption (1994) based on “Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption” by Stephen King

One would never make the claim that Stephen King is a literary genius, but there is something to be said for the strength of his non-horror short stories. They are often well thought out and focus on a single concept or theme. Though they are often easily digestible as far as content, there is something inspired at times. “Shawshank” is in the same collection of short stories as “The Body” and “Apt Pupil,” which speaks to the nature of the stories. “Shawshank” in particular is compelling because the central concept is hope in spite of one’s circumstances. What the movie does is take a story with a great concept, sloppy structure, and wavering tone, and turn it into a film with a great concept, well-developed structure and a singular ton, as voiced by Morgan Freeman. We have only one warden instead of three, Andy takes the embezzled money from his captors instead of getting a friend to set up a fund for him, and the Warden dispatches himself with a revolver instead of retiring to obscurity. All of these are better choices, which make the story tighter in the film.

9. The Wizard of Oz (1939) based on “The Wonderful Wizard of Oz” by L. Frank Baum

This will not start many arguments, because most of you will have never read L. Frank Baum’s masterwork. This children’s story, written at the end of the 19th Century, is clunky, overly mechanical, and almost devoid of emotion. Not so the film version. Released at the high-water mark of the golden age of film, the 1939 “Wizard of Oz” collapses the story and a couple of characters to trim away the unnecessary bulk, and gives the viewer a straightforward coming-of-age fairy tale. The cast, which includes Judy Garland, Ray Bolger, Bert Lahr, Jack Haley, and Margaret Hamilton, is almost beyond critique. The world that is constructed around them is boldly colorful and a true artistic achievement. Even today, the film is compelling and entertaining, which is more than I can say for the original text.

8. Die Hard (1988) based on “Nothing Lasts Forever” by Roderick Thorpe

Wow, this book is really not very good. The main character is a sappy ex-cop, ex-military has-been. He whines and pines over his now-dead ex-wife and worries about his daughter stuck in the building with him and the terrorists. Just shut up already. Thanks to screenwriters Steven E. de Souza and Jeb Stuart and director John McTiernan for making him do just that. What the film does is distill the good concept of a single cop trapped in a building taking on a group of highly skilled and dangerous thieves, and removes all of the wearisome self-doubt from the main character, while still making him a hero that bleeds and wants to spend Christmas with his wife. This deserves a nod, because the movie in many ways changed what an action film could be. Now we could have something smart funny, as well as edge-of-your-seat exciting. Yippee-ki-yay, motherfuckers.

7. Fight Club (1999) based on “Fight Club” by Chuck Palahniuk

Chuck Palahniuk’s break-out novel is still arguably his best work. The novel is definitely worth reading, but something amazing happens when David Fincher gets a hold of the material. Fincher streamlines the story where he needs to, which makes the statement less preachy and much more subtle and subversive. Because we only have moments of voice-over and not pages of internal rant, our narrator seems smart, savvy, and only as naïve as he needs to for the story to stay plausible. The change Fincher makes by moving Tyler Durden out of the asylum and away from his scarred dragon smile at the end makes the character and story much more dangerous. This person is still out walking amongst us, ready to pee in our soup and blow up our creditors.

6. Blade Runner (1982) based on “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?” by Philip K. Dick

Philip K Dick’s dystopian vision permeates much of his writing. His protagonist Rick Deckard is a world-weary cop of sorts who hunts down rogue androids. The novel suffers from meandering digressions critiquing religious practices and forms of media. What the film does is focus solely on the question, “What does it mean to be human?” Ridley Scott’s expansive film immersed us in Dick’s world where all animals are synthetic, and some of the humans are as well. One of the savvy choices Scott makes is to make Deckard single. This clears the way for him to fall in love with the synthetic Rachael. This helps Deckard and the viewer to begin questioning the true humanity of these man-made beings. Sean Young gives her typical wooden performance, and Harrison Ford shows his normal lack of range, but the finale in the abandoned building between Rutger Hauer and Ford is one of the most memorable moments in modern film. Many science-fiction franchises including the new “Battlestar Galactica” series owe an incredible debt to this film.

5. The Silence of the Lambs (1991) based on “The Silence of the Lambs” by Thomas Harris

Take a pretty solid crime thriller that follows a young FBI cadet who is tracking a serial killer with the help of a brilliant cannibalistic psychopath and put it in the hands of director Jonathan Demme, and what you get is a remarkable film. Demme shaved away a lot of the crass tone that Thomas Harris sometimes falls into. He also removed a few cute digressions, such as Lecter’s eye color and his concept of the crucifixion watch (Jesus’ outstretched arms are the hands of the clock). Ultimately this allows him to just spend time with Lecter, Starling, and the way-too-creepy Buffalo Bill. This films uses it’s visuals in an expressive way that just doesn’t translate as well from the page. Demme keeps Starling in small, enclosed spaces throughout the film. She is trapped, and it ultimately leads to her night-vision showdown with Bill. Demme is able to show us how much we need to see this story.

4. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (1975) based on “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” by Ken Kesey

Ken Kesey crafts a pretty stunning work that is incredibly well told and emotionally compelling. It’s a good thing the film was directed by Milos Forman. There are a few differences, the most apparent is the voice of the narrator in the book, but we need a character to anchor our thoughts in the novel, whereas Forman can show us the story that develops, and allows us to become the narrator. We all become just another nut in the nuthouse. Jack Nicholson’s performance is genuinely inspired and the cast that surrounds is like a who’s who of soon-to-be 80s stars. Really, this is a one of the few real win-win situations. You should at some point read the book and watch the movie. Both are incredible.

3. A Clockwork Orange (1971) based on “A Clockwork Orange” by Anthony Burgess

I had to find a way to get Kubrick in here. Sure there was “The Shining,” but I wanted to give King a fighting chance. Then there’s “2001:A Space Odyssey,” but Clarke and Kubrick developed the concept and story together. So I went with “A Clockwork Orange,” and really it’s quite a remarkable achievement. First, this is a really exciting read. Burgess makes us question the measures we are willing to take to rehabilitate criminals. Are we simply replacing one type of violence for another? Kubrick’s strategy is to keep the focus always on Alex. His centered close-ups as Alex’s dreamy voice-over drones his thoughts into our brain are unbelievable. Add in some of the most moving and disturbing scenes of all time and you have a pretty powerful film. This film will stay fresh the way Pink Floyd’s ever-popular “Dark Side of the Moon” stays fresh. There will always be teenagers who are angry about anything that comes within a few feet. This is the movie that gives them power and makes them scary.

2. “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy (2001-3) Based on “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy by J.R.R. Tolkien

How do you make a pretty incredible piece of popular literature that reads like a history of a non-existent world into a film? Well, you turn it into an epic action and drama-filled extravaganza, and of course, you stick to your guns about needing three films to make it happen. This is where you can go to see how a film can differ from the book on which it’s based, yet maintain the integrity of the original work. One of the hardest things that Peter Jackson had to do was to give Tolkien’s characters some emotional depth, which he does successfully. There are so many things that could have made this endeavor a disaster. The story could have fallen into the hands of someone less skilled, there could have been an insistence on one or two instead of three films, or studio New Line might not have been in the position to green-light the project. Let’s just be happy that we got good film versions of three good books.

1. The Godfather (1972) based on “The Godfather” by Mario Puzo

It takes a genius to make a pulpy, somewhat trashy, mob thriller into one of the greatest films of all time. This was the book that you read in high school to feel rebellious or a little dirty. Along comes Francis Ford Coppola, and his exceptional drama of a family and how uncontrolled power corrupts them, and we welcome in a new era of filmmaking. Coppola makes the story better and his direction is almost flawless. I’m not sure what more I can say. If you’re taking a class on adapting literature to film, then read the book. Otherwise watch the film over and over. This gets the top spot, because if “The Godfather” is on a list, that’s where it should be.

Tags: adaptations, as, Based, best, Better, Books, films, Good, list, movies, novel, on, or, Than, They're, Top 10 Movies as Good or Better Than Books They're Base, top ten

Andrew Reed has graced the web pages of Scene-Stealers before. He’s a regular sitegoer who leaves loads of great comments, but he’s also written list of Top 10 Movie Cougars and Top 10 Unfairly Maligned Sequels. Currently living in Argentina, he aslo runs the excellent movie/music blog Fighting the Youth. In honor of this weekend’s live-action adaptation of “G.I. Joe” (which the studio is NOT screening for us critics this week…hmmm), he’s got a list of pasts cartoon trainwrecks. If you have a Top 10 list you’d like to contribute, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Andrew:

I originally wanted to write a Top 10 Best Cartoon Remakes, but then I realized that there would be a significant problem with that approach. Remakes of cartoons are nearly always dreadful at best. I am afraid that I must conclude that Michael Bay’s first “Transformers” effort barely gets the nod over the first “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” movie as the best one ever made. Greatly begrudging and half-hearted kudos to you, Mr. Bay. The fact that these remakes are always a disappointment has not slowed their production. Aside from this week’s sure to be deflating journey into the live-action world of “G.I. Joe,” here’s an abridged list of other projects apparently on the docket: Voltron, Hong Kong Phooey, The Smurfs, Tom and Jerry, Marvin the Martian, Yogi Bear, Johnny Quest, Thundercats, The Last Airbender, He-Man, and The Jetsons.

To be honest, that last one has me mildly intrigued. Maybe there’s a reason they keep sucking us in to watch these dreadful things. Maybe we’re all curious to see if the magic that dazzled us with only two dimensions when we were children can be translated to our adult frame of reference. Sadly, these movies seem to always fail for both fans of the series and those who’ve never heard of them before. You’ll surely be irked at what didn’t make the cut, but there’s only room for ten. So let’s get this over with already: It’s the Top 10 Worst Live-Action Cartoon Adaptations.

10. Underdog (2007)

Say what you want about the original “Underdog” cartoon. It was flimsy, repetitive and campy as hell, but at least it had character. After taking a pill, Shoeshine Boy would transform into Underdog and rescue his Sweet Polly Purebred from the nefarious Simon Bar Sinister. From the newsreel narration to Underdog’s peppy attitude, its tone always delivered a smile to viewers’ faces. But this Disney film is not interested in tone. It’s hard to tell if it’s interested in much of anything, actually. Casting a real beagle as Underdog is a questionable decision at best; in the series he always seemed more like a regular person who was born with floppy ears and a wet nose. Affected by a lab experiment gone awry, Underdog can suddenly talk and fly and accidentally blow things up. It all plays out like a cross between Benji and Blankman, except, you know, dumber. If they really wanted to make this a dumbed down kids film, they should have made a “Superdog” movie and called it “Air Bud: Pooper Trooper.” Or they could have gone in the other direction and hired Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. But this is family fare that will only serve to put your kids to sleep. Also, I freaking hate beagles (long story). Here’s an example of the humor on display in this stupid movie:

9. Masters of the Universe (1987)

How do you translate a beloved, but somewhat insipid children’s cartoon to the big screen in 1987? You bring the characters from Eternia to Earth, of course. That way you don’t need any elaborate sets or special effects. Also, you completely abandon most of the storyline, history, and characters from the original series because you think you can come up with something better - like soldiers in black helmets with machine guns (seriously). And of course, you hire Dolph Lundgren. The He-Man series was always a rather basic show, with Prince Adam and Cringer screwing around until Skeletor showed up with a cadre of evil dudes at which time Adam would transform into He-Man and save the day. But this film adaptation completely ignored the Prince Adam storyline. Instead, the main characters are two high school sweethearts, one of whom is played by a young Courtney Cox. This movie exudes the notion that was made up as it went along, completely full of nonsensical preening and lacking the majority of the eccentric characters from the series. The funny thing is, as bad as this film was, the only thing that kiboshed a sequel was the high cost Mattell was charging for the rights to the characters.

8. Josie and the Pussycats (2001)

The one thing they did right with this movie was to hire three hot chicks. (Admit it. You thought Tara Reid was hot right up until she became Tara Reid.) Sadly, that’s the only thing. The TV show always featured the band seemingly “covering” an episode of Scooby-Doo whereby they would foil some sinister villain’s plot to destroy the world or steal a lot of money. In the film, the scheme is being perpetrated by their own record label and the U.S. Government. But it’s so incredibly stupid that it pains me to give the description. The whole idea is that the government is trying to make sure teens get the message that they should spend their hard-earned babysitting and lawn-mowing money to further the economy and embrace American consumerism. It’s hard to tell if the filmmakers were trying to make a point because there were 73 separate companies that were involved with product placement in the film (though none of them paid for it). It’s also hard to tell if they were trying to make a joke because there’s not a single thing worth laughing at in the entire film. During their meteoric rise to superstardom, the girls get “catty” with each other before working out their differences. The end result is one of the most boring and credulous movies about the inner workings of pop music you could imagine. But hey, at least the music is horrendous:

7. Garfield (2004)

OK, let’s start with the fact that outside of tracking down lasagna from the kitchen, Garfield isn’t supposed to “do” anything. That’s the whole point of his existence and the reason suburban 40-somethings paste his image on their cubicle walls. After a cursory look at his laziness, the majority of this film consists of Garfield running around town, trying to save Odie, a dog he hates. Bill Murray supplies Garfield’s voice, a transgression for which he will be forgiven largely because he’s Bill Murray and because it’s only his voice, so nobody will casually recognize him while flipping across TBS. But worse than the nonsense surrounding the main character is the romantic subplot played out between Breckin Meyer and Jennifer Love Hewitt. After seeing Hewitt’s “The Tuxedo,” I recently remarked to a friend that the most notable thing in the film is that Jackie Chan acts circles around her, and he can’t even speak English. In this case, the real dog playing Odie easily outdoes them both, though this his hardly surprising. I realize making a movie out of a character that is used to occupying our attention for three panels a day is a daunting challenge. But nobody held a gun to the heads of the filmmakers and demanded they take up such a challenge.

6. Mr. Magoo (1997)

It is tempting to believe that Leslie Nielsen was simply so old that he thought he would probably die soon after the success of “The Naked Gun” and its sequels and wanted to make as much money as he could as quickly as possible. How else can you explain appearing in “Spy Hard,” “Surf Ninjas,” “Wrongfully Accused,” and “2001: A Space Travesty”? But of all the dreadful films he’s made, none are more ill-conceived than “Mr. Magoo.” This might be the best existing example of Hollywood executive stupidity. If you’re going to remake an old cartoon, at least choose one that people actually like. For those who don’t know, Mr. Magoo is basically blind, but apparently is not aware of the severity his condition, so he frequently mistakes one thing for another. What he believes to be a beautiful woman may in fact be a sunflower or a broom. He’ll wander into a restaurant thinking it’s a hospital or a zoo. Even though Nielsen is clearly not a picky man, I can’t help but wonder if he was already method acting when he OK’d the script. Actually, if you’re curious about this movie and want a laugh, the best thing to do is read Roger Ebert’s review and save yourself 87 minutes. It’s far more entertaining than anything in the film. Just watching the trailer is unbearable.

5. Inspector Gadget (1999)

This was probably an idea doomed from the start, but casting Matthew Broderick in the titular role certainly didn’t help matters. Broderick can play the bumbling fool, but not an arrogantly incurious one. And since arrogant incuriousity was the whole point of the original series, it was clear that they weren’t even aiming at the right target. The movie finds itself completely derailed from its source material, but has a myriad of other problems as well. Whoever thought it was a good idea to take a character who has a helicopter come out of his hat and “play it straight” had a couple screws loose. Instead of giving Gadget a wild series of clues to follow (with help from his niece Penny and her computer book), we get a maudlin backstory of a security guard who always wanted to be a police officer, and is also a really nice guy. After being nearly killed, they turn him into an android who then goes about saving the day and whatnot. It’s like Robocop, but for comotose kids. Maybe they were trying to set up a series of films that would better follow the gleefully obtuse antics of the original series, but the film was such a disaster that the inevitable follow-up featuring French Stewart and went straight to DVD. Thank goodness. Trust me when I say that this video is better than any scene in the film. You’re welcome.

4. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)

This is easily the biggest disappointment on the list. The story is as revered as they come, and the 1966 cartoon is replayed every Christmas with wide appreciation. A big-budget treatment directed by Ron Howard starring Jim Carrey certainly seemed like a good idea. But its failings are as varied as they are consistent. Let’s start with the glaringly obvious: the Whos down in Whoville look really freaking creepy. I felt the strong urge to look away every time one appeared onscreen. The original special was only 26 minutes, a running time that pretty much told the complete story. To stretch it into a feature film, various asinine plot points were included or adjusted. First of all, the Grinch has a past as one of the Whos, he has a love interest putting him in competition with the current mayor of Whoville, and little Cindy Lou Who has a weird fascination/friend crush on the Grinch. None of this makes any sense except to align the film with typical Ron Howardian sentimentalism and add minutes. But the biggest problem is that Jim Carrey does exactly what he was hired to do: act like a buffoon. That the majority of his scenes are shared solely with a dog only gives him more creative license. The Grinch was always more conniving than evil and in no way a clown. But Carrey hams it up way more than he did as The Mask. With all the plot changes and Carrey’s mugging, they should have just made up a whole new set of characters and called it something else. It wouldn’t have made the movie any better, but at least Theo Geisel’s grave could stop spinning.

3. Scooby-Doo (2002)

You knew this would be a bad idea the moment you heard about it. While nobody would ever go as far as to call the cartoon “smart”, at least it had a somewhat hair-raising edge to it. But of course, the live-action incarnation was directed at those 8 and under which meant all the spookiness, sense of fear, and pot jokes would be left out of the script. (Seriously, what exactly is in a Scooby-snack? Why do they crave them so much and become wildly paranoid after eating them? But I digress.) Combine that with the casting of Hollywood’s “up and comers” in the four human roles and this thing was doomed from the first moment director Raja Gosnell said “Action.” Matthew Lillard puts a lot of effort into his Shaggy voice, but aside from that, none of the principals can keep up with the CGI dog, and the plot is worse than any episode of the original series. Also, instead of the Harlem Globetrotters, we get the band Sugar Ray. Things were so bad that I was longing for Scrappy Doo. Perhaps the movie’s biggest crime is casting a hotter actress as Velma (Linda Cardellini) than the one they picked for Daphne (Sarah Michelle Gellar). Whose idea was that? At least we can thank this film for lowering the profile of both Freddie Prinze Jr. and Gellar. So in that sense, I suppose it’s not completely worthless.

2. The Flintstones (1994)
Halle Berry in a cheetah bikini only gets you so far. This is the one that opened the floodgates and therefore deserves a huge chunk of the blame for this list’s existence. Perhaps some movie producer stumbled upon “Raising Arizona,” heard John Goodman’s ubiquitous screaming and realized he’d riff a good “Wiiiiillllllmaaaaaa!” No matter what the impetus was for this project, you’d be hard pressed to think of a more boring way to spend an afternoon. Goodman’s “acting” in this one consists mainly talking out of one side of his mouth, and he’s not given the opportunity to pull off even the most modest of Fred’s traditional crafty schemes. From a business standpoint, they were on to something as this dreadful piece of schlock netted over $350,000,000 worldwide (plus another $70,000,000 in rentals). That number probably overcame the considerable advertising budget. This is a complete waste of time for all involved, but especially for any poor viewer who’s bothered to sit down and watch it. It gets high distinction on this list because its success opened led to most of the others. This clip is more entertaining than the movie itself. Working hard on those moves…

1. The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle (2000)

This steamy mess of a disaster cost 76 million dollars to make, but only garnered 26 million at the box office. It also caused considerable damage to the reputation of producer and star Robert De Niro. Not only does it completely miss the entire point of the series, but there’s not a damn thing in this movie that remotely works. They apparently thought that putting famous names alongside the cartoon characters everyone knew and loved would be sufficient. In lieu of working on a real script, they painted the scenes with broad, dumb strokes and happily called it a day. Every attempt at the tongue-in-cheek humor from the original series ended up failing in this movie. Instead, we get terrible puns that are not played for laughs - just for the references themselves. Whoopi Goldberg’s cameo as a judge who exclaims “Oh my God, it’s Rocky and Bullwinkle!” pretty much sums up the approach to making this movie. Watch the trailer, realize that these are the best jokes they had, and you’ll quickly get the idea.

Tags: action, animated, cartoon, list, live, remakes, ten, top, Top 10 Worst Live-Action Cartoon Adaptations, top ten, Worst

It’s a timely week to be writing this because after this past weekend’s domestic box office take, we have a new number-one movie on this list. Comedies are not usually as big a box office draw as an action/adventure or superhero/fantasy film, but due to a minimal amount of money spent on casting, sets and costumes, and usually no special effects, they are one of the most affordable risks for a studio. However, an R-rating severely limits mainstream potential. The films on this list are rare beasts indeed. They all rode some sort of cultural wave to become the top-grossing R-rated comedies in America. If you have a list you’d like to contribute to Top 10 Tuesday, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com.

10. Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (2006) - $128,505,958

Sacha Baron Cohen’s first reality-based prank movie debuted on only 837 screens in 2006, but grossed a wholly unexpected $26.5 million. “Da Ali G Show” was a mild hit on HBO, but it had a huge buzz and people were talking about this movie. Uninitiated moviegoers were intrigued by these strange ads and TV appearances by Cohen in character as Borat. Many people, in a funny parallel with “The Blair Witch Project,” thought this Borat guy was for real. The mix of real situations and a fictional plot made it hard for audiences to tell what was “real” and what wasn’t. They told their friends, and “Borat” did something few movies do. It grossed more in its second weekend. Expanding to 2,566 theaters, “Borat” made $28.3 million in its second week. “Brüno” opened this weekend with a bigger “30.4” million, but it was on 3,400 screens and—even though its material is more outrageous than “Borat”—it suffers from feeling a little too familiar following the groundbreaking status of its predecessor.

9. National Lampoon’s Animal House (1978) - $141,600,000

Besides entering the words “toga party” and “food fight” into the popular lexicon, “Animal House” also one of the most profitable movies of all time. This John Landis-directed comedy featured John Belushi (from the still-new late night “Saturday Night Live”), Donald Sutherland, and a cast of then-unknowns (including Kevin Bacon, Karen Allen, Thomas Hulce, and Tim Matheson). It only cost $2.7 million to make, and $50,000 of that was spent on Sutherland alone. (He was actually offered a lower salary at one point and percentage points, which he turned down—assuming the film would go nowhere—and costing him millions of dollars.) This was released back in a time when there were fewer prints and they remained in theaters for a longer time, making it the most impressive box office run on the list. Its opening weekend? A mere $276,538 in 12 theaters. Regardless, it ended up being the third biggest movie of 1978 and stayed in theaters even longer than that.

8. American Pie 2 (2001) - $145,103,595

1999’s “American Pie” was credited with bringing the R-rated teen comedy (a genre popularized by “Animal House”) back into vogue. Ads showing star Jason Biggs putting his—ahem—member into a warm pie were enough to stir curiosity and good reviews earned the movie positive word of mouth. While its sequel wasn’t so lucky in that area, “American Pie 2” falls into the category of films that benefitted from their predecessor greatly. The first “American Pie” was a $102,000 smash, but it only opened at $18 million. Two months later, it was still earning a million a week. The 2001 sequel scored a huge opening weekend of $45 million off of the first movie’s good name, but posted a bigger drop-off. Two months later, it was earning only $300,000.

7. Knocked Up (2007) - $148,768,917

The same might be said about Judd Apatow’s follow-up to “The 40-Year-Old Virgin,” an unexpected 2005 smash that launched the career of then-unknown Steve Carell. The posters for “Knocked Up” even featured Seth Rogen with a nerdy look—similar to Carell’s “Virgin” poster—and the tagline “What if this guy got you pregnant?” The difference between “Knocked Up” and American Pie 2,” however, was lots of critical acclaim and great audience response. It made several critics’ best-of-2007 lists (including the AFI Top 10, and lists from the New York Times, Newsweek, Entertainment Weekly, The Onion’s AV Club, Associated Press, Rolling Stone, and mine(!)). Like Carell before him, it made Rogen (a supporting player in “Virgin”) a star and began the onslaught of Apatow Frat Pack ‘Junior Varsity’ player movies—a stupid term used to denote anything starring, written by, or produced by Apatow or his friends. “Knocked Up” spent eight weeks in the box office top 10, the longest streak amongst May-June openers in 2007.

6. Sex and the City (2008) - $152,647,258

Really? Wow. Who woulda thunk it? Never underestimate the power of women. The magnitude of this 6-season HBO show spinoff’s box office take can only be described one way: Women like raunchy movies too, especially when they’re told from a woman’s perspective. The film was set three years after the series finale, and like “American Pie 2,” it benefitted from a huge opening weekend ($57 million), due mostly to a built-in audience from the popular show. Despite middling reviews, “Sex and the City” recorded the biggest opening ever for an R-rated comedy and for a romantic comedy. You know what this means: All four actresses (Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Cattrall, Cynthia Nixon, and Kristin Davis), as well as writer-director Michael Patrick King, are set to return for “Sex and the City 2,” due in theaters May 28, 2010.

5. Scary Movie (2000) - $157,019,771

This Keenan Ivory Wayans-directed parody film struck a chord with viewers who had been big fans of the late 90’s rebirth of teen horror flicks—due mainly to the “Scream” trilogy that began in 1996. It was co-written by, and starred, his brothers Shawn and Marlon and it also launched the career of current go-to funnygirl Anna Faris. Unfortunately, it also launched the careers of low-budget parody hacks Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, who wrote and directed “Date Movie,” “Epic Movie,” “Meet the Spartans,” and “Disaster Movie” (which all also star the equally talented Carmen Electra and are hugely profitable affairs). The first “Scary Movie,” however, was actually very funny—a raunchy, no-holds-barred spoof that was also smart enough to make fun of non-horror flicks like “The Usual Suspects” and “The Matrix.” In addition to the Friedberg/Seltzer movies, “Scary Movie” spawned three sequels of diminishing returns, with David Zucker (“The Naked Gun,” “Airplane!”) taking over for Ivory Wayans in 2003 on “Scary Movie 3.”

4. Pretty Woman (1990) - $178,406,268

Is it weird to have never seen the movie that catapulted Julia Roberts into the spotlight? I missed out on this little $14 million romantic comedy in the theaters and by the time it turned into this big deal, I wasn’t really interested. Richard Gere was the name star at the time, but Roberts went on to become one of the most bankable stars of the 90s following the success of “Pretty Woman.” She even won a Golden Globe and was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Actress (losing to Kathy Bates in “Misery”) for her star-making turn. “Pretty Woman” was initially intended to be a dark drama about prostitution in Los Angeles called “Three-Thousand,” but was reconceptualized somewhere along the line by screenwriter J.F. Lawton as a romantic comedy. Maybe if it would have stayed a drama Roberts would have had a better chance at that Oscar. Ha!

3. There’s Something About Mary (1998) - $176,484,651

First: The stats. By combining over-the-top gross-out humor with a dash of romantic comedy, the Farrelly brothers struck paydirt and made Ben Stiller a bankable comedy star. This movie absolutely exemplifies a word-of-mouth success. It opened in July, but didn’t hit the number-one spot on the box office chart until its eighth week of wide release in September! Second: The sad personal story. This movie cost me a chance at $250,000. Click here to read the story of how I lost an easy, easy question about “Mary” on VH1’s “World Series of Pop Culture.” (Hint: It involves me not answering the words “hair gel” correctly and an explicit second-by-second recounting of the thoughts in my head at that moment.) Third, an epilogue to this tragedy: I moved last year and discovered something awful in the bottom of a box—an official “There’s Something About Mary” promo item. What could it have been? You guessed it. It was a packet of hair gel with the movie logo plastered all over it. If only I had unpacked since the last time I moved. So lame.

2. Wedding Crashers (2005) - $209,255,921

Sure, it followed the success of “American Pie,” but the record-breaking gross of “Wedding Crashers” was only just eclipsed this past weekend, which is pretty amazing. Over $200 million for an R-rated comedy was unheard of. The high-concept “Wedding Crashers” really paved the way for “The 40-Year-Old Virgin” and lots of modern comedies’ willingness to “go there.” The movie feels about a half hour too long, but features a winning combination of raunchy sex humor and sweetness, anchored by Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn’s natural rapport. This movie also waited for a while—three weeks—to hit number one at the box office. It was held back by Tim Burton’s “Charlie and the Chocolate factory,” which would gross a little more than half as much by the end of its run. This was one of the first movies Scene-Stealers.com reviewed, as evidenced by the clip we used in our Scene-Stealers trailer/parody of KISS’ “Lick it Up” video.

1. The Hangover (2009) - $222,442,000 (as of July 13,2009)

Here it is, folks—your new number-one R-rated comedy champ. Todd Phillips’ sloppy-but-funny “The Hangover” follows the same pattern as a lot of movies on this list: It combines raunchy, male-oriented humor with a cast of on-the-cusp stars and an easy-to-describe high concept. (“Oh, did you see the movie about the guys who wake up in Vegas with after a bachelor party and they’ve lost the groom?” It’s just like: “Did you see the movie about the 40-year-old virgin?” or “Did you see the movie about the guys who crash weddings to get unattached chicks?”) One big difference is that its producers saw its impending success before it was even released, ordering a sequel, which is already in the works. It remains to be seen whether Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, and Zach Galifianakis are able to capitalize on their newfound fame like Carell or Rogen or Stiller did, but right now let’s just marvel that a movie as dirty as this IS the mainstream. “Brüno” certainly pushed the raunch factor further this week, but Cohen’s movie is too confrontational to be a $200 million hit. In the end, “The Hangover” has that “Wedding Crashers” sweetness, which gives it a much wider audience potential. It has only been out for 6 weeks, and last weekend’s $9 million take proves that it’s still got some legs.

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Having just come from a screening of “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen,” I can safely say that the giant talking robots on display in the movie are so extremely badass from every standpoint—including sheer volume—that they have to be near the top of any list of the Top 10 Coolest Movie Robots. Here’s a look back at some of the other more memorable robots in cinematic history.

10. Mechagodzilla from “Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla” (1974)

The simian-like aliens of the Third Planet from the Black Hole (that’s a mouthful) created Mechagodzilla to kill the real Godzilla, but the giant robot’s identity wasn’t revealed until later in the film when its “skin” is burned off in battle. (Strangely, it somehow lost a lot of mobility right around that same time—go figure!) Originally released in the U.S. as “Godzilla vs. the Bionic Monster” in 1977, its name was soon changed again to “Godzilla vs. the Cosmic Monster” to avoid similarities with U.S. TV shows “The Bionic Woman” and “The Six Million Dollar Man.” Eventually, however, Mechagodzilla got its due and became a part of the title (around the time that I used to run home from grade school to catch the movie on TV during “Monster Week”). He was rebuilt for “Terror of Mechagodzilla” a year later and would reappear several times in different incarnations in other Japanese kaiju flicks and videogames.

9. David from “A.I.: Artificial Intelligence” (2001)

I’m still a big proponent of this misunderstood Spielberg-by-way-of-Kubrick sci-fi film set in a future full of “mechas,” and Haley Joel Osment’s portrayal of the creepy/sad robot boy David is one of the reasons I like it so much. Osment is devastating as the little android that just wants to love and be loved and injects the movie with so much pathos that it’s impossible not to feel sorry for the little guy. More robots: Jude Law is also devilishly fun as a pleasurebot gigolo for the ladies, and Teddy is an animatronic/CGI concoction of a little boy’s talking teddy bear. Still, for actual painfully uncomfortable moments, no one can beat David and his innocent, unblinking, empty gaze. The image of him sitting at the bottom of the ocean for millennia still haunts me to this day.

8. Robby the Robot from “Forbidden Planet” (1956)

I finally got around to seeing this sci-fi classic recently and I have to say: I was mighty impressed. The enduring iconic image from the film is certainly Robby the Robot, who has the unusual distinction of having crossed over into large numbers of TV shows and other movies such as “Lost in Space”, “The Twilight Zone”, “The Addams Family”, “The Love Boat”, “Columbo”, and “Mork and Mindy.” At 6 ft. 11 inches, Robby was tall, but it was obviously a guy in a suit with the mobility of a tree trunk. Although the name Robby (spelled “Robbie”) was taken from the Isaac Asimov book “I, Robot,” in the 2004 Will Smith movie, the robot’s name was changed to Sonny.

7. The Giant from “The Iron Giant” (1999)

Vin Diesel’s best role ever was as the voice of this 50-foot, metal-eating robot that’s befriended by a 9-year-old kid in 1957. It’s the Cold War and the military is on the hunt for the crash-landed robot, but the boy hides the giant and is somehow able to curb the robot’s destructive tendencies. Brad Bird (“The Incredibles,” Ratatouille”) adapted and directed this 2D animated film just as computer animation was beginning to dominate the market, so it’s a film that seems like more of a relic than it really is. The storytelling is as top-notch as anything Pixar has produced and it deserves your attention immediately if you haven’t seen it.

6. Wall-E from “Wall-E” (2008) and Johnny Five from “Short Circuit” (1986)

Yeah, yeah, I know. I’m cheating by including these both in the same entry. But look at the photo—Wall-E is so familiar a face these days that you probably thought that might have been him there on the right. Nope. Sorry, it’s Johnny Number 5 from the cheesy Ally Sheedy comedy “Short Circuit.” Like “The Iron Giant,” herky-jerky Johnny eventually learns what it means to be human. Wall-E, on the other hand, is a wonder of technical achievement for all its animators, as photorealistic as animation gets these days. He doesn’t have to grapple with a desire to be human because he’s already in love (with Eve, an exquisitely designed robot who looks like a sort of glowing, oblong iPod. The geniuses at Pixar imbue Wall-E with so many human-like traits, it’s hard to remember he’s a machine in the first place.

5. Gort from “The Day the Earth Stood Still” (1951)

Gort could destroy Earth if he wanted to. The 8ft. tall robot stands motionless in front of his flying saucer, but shows his power when he disintegrates the U.S. military’s weapons with la laser beam from his visor on the lawn in President’s Park. His space buddy Klaatu explains kindly that mankind’s penchant for violence might get the entire Earth “eliminated” if they’re not careful. Gort stands there for the entire film, serving as a grim reminder that we’re not the bad-asses we think we are and he could drop us at any second. We don’t talk about the confused 2008 remake.

4. T-800 from “The Terminator” (1984)

This was a tough one because as good as Arnold Schwarzenegger is as the T-800 Terminator in James Cameron’s low-budget sci-fi/horror flick, Robert Patrick’s steely shape-shifting T-1000 from the 1991 sequel was pretty amazing as well. I’m sticking with Arnie though, because this role may have suited his acting skills better than any other part he’s had. Nobody had ever done an unfeeling, unstoppable killing machine quite like this before, and frankly, his tenacity was chilling. Things softened up a bit for the T-800 when he came back as a good guy (boo!), but few villains are as menacing as this muscle-bound cyborg with an Austrian accent.

3. The Maschinenmensch from Metropolis (1927)

Fritz Lang’s hugely influential dystopian-future silent film cost something like 7 million marks, which would be about $200 million today. The curvaceous metallic maschinenmensch is an iconic and somewhat controversial figure, having been made in the image of a woman to tempt men to their doom. Eventually, the robot gets the face of young Maria (Brigitte Helm) and it goads the mistreated underground workers into rebellion before they turn on her and burn her at the stake. “Metropolis” is a visually stunning film from a special effects and art design perspective (beautiful Art Deco buildings everywhere), yet the female robot remains its most identifiable image.

2. Robocop from “Robocop” (1987)

Paul Verhoeven’s dark, funny, and violent send-up of American greed and the media features Paul Weller as a do-gooder family-man cop who is tortured and killed by street thugs in Detroit. That is, until an evil corporation rebuilds the man as mostly machine, complete with infrared vision and a holster within his leg. Then something unexpected happens: Robocop starts having flashbacks to his human life and starts remembering who he was. Just as machines were replacing jobs in the Motor City, along came this scary film—an unexpected R-rated hit—which has an acid tongue and a hardcore emotional pull as well. He also kicked the crap out of the monstrous ED209, which was really, really cool. “The Wrestler” director Darren Aronofsky is currently working on a remake and I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt because he must know something about the new project that we don’t…

1. R2-D2/C-3PO from “Star Wars” trilogy (1977-1983)

I’m so alienated from this franchise right now (thanks to the last three films) that I almost didn’t put 3PO and R2 on this list. But when it comes right down to it, the Abbott and Costello of robot sidekicks are as American as Mom’s homemade apple pie (despite Anthony Daniels’ fey British accent). How could I avoid it? When I was a kid, I remember eating C-3PO cereal, for chrissakes. C-3PO is a protocol droid and is fluent in “over six million forms of communication,” which means that he’s a handy device to have around for any screenwriter stuck in a tough spot. He also makes for a welcome respite from too much dead-serious Jedi-speak. And honestly, R2-D2 (Kenny Baker) is a better defined character—with all his whirs and bleeps serving as dialogue—than half of the people I’ve seen in this year’s summer movies.

Tags: 10, androids, best, cinema, cyborgs, film, list, movie, movie robots, robots, ten, top, Top 10 Coolest Movie Robots, Top 10 Lists, top ten

Today’s Top 10 comes from New Jersey resident Phil Fava, a longtime Scene-Stealers sitegoer, and it’s perfectly timed. He’s writing about a filmmaker who is so prolific that he has both canonized masterpieces (”Annie Hall,” “Manhattan,” “Crimes and Misdemeanors”) and Academy Award winners (”Bullets Over Broadway,” “Hannah and Her Sisters,” “Mighty Aphrodite”) littered throughout his filmography. And then there’s everything else. This is a great list of some movies that mostly fall into that last category, at least accorsing to Phil’s general-consensus-o-meter.  If you have a list of your own you’d like to contribute, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Phil:

As I eagerly await the release of Woody Allen’s newest film, “Whatever Works” (starring Larry David and opening this weekend in LA and NY), I can’t help but get all enthusiastic again about my favorite filmmaker. And nothing gets me riled up more than a game of Woody Allen apologetics, in which I defend the genius against allegations of sexual misconduct and artistic deficiency. It’s an easy job, to be frank. So, why not instigate the game myself? Here is a list of the top 10 most underrated Woody Allen films in the world according to me.

10. “Melinda and Melinda” (2004)

Four people meet for dinner in a Manhattan restaurant and debate the intrinsic nature of the universe. Two playwrights, one of whom is played by Wallace Shawn, are at the center of the dispute, and each takes the same scenario and spins it into a story of their own; one is comedic and the other is dramatic. And there’s “Melinda and Melinda,” starring Radha Mitchell and Will Ferrell among others, as the characters in the stories being told. The set-up device is simple and takes a back seat to the two stories which are told in turns. At the very least, the film is worth watching to see Will Ferrell in the comedic thread as the Woody Allen prototype. It’s a really funny performance in and of itself, and the dialogue is so vintage Woody that coming from a stammering, nebbish Will Ferrell makes it ten times funnier. The dramatic storyline is what you’d expect from Allen, who can write dysfunction without blinking. All in all, it’s a solid piece of work. There’s nothing groundbreaking here but most of it works really well. And Will Ferrell in the Woody Allen role? Come on. Where else can you hear Will Ferrell deliver a line like, “Yeah, but if you’re somebody who’s nobody, it’s no fun to be around anybody who’s everybody”?

9. “Manhattan Murder Mystery” (1993)

Other than a brief appearance in “Radio Days,” Diane Keaton hadn’t set foot on the set of a Woody Allen film for 14 years when they were reunited on screen in “Manhattan Murder Mystery.” In view of the scandal with Mia Farrow and Soon Yi Previn from the previous year, Keaton suddenly became Allen’s choice for top female billing in his next film. It worked out for the best, though. I’d go so far as to say that this pairing of actors was worth the protracted custody battle and media scrutiny exacted upon Woody and Mia! I mean, it yielded this film, which is as funny as anything Allen has done. It also reunited him with Alan Alda, who could not have been better in “Crimes and Misdemeanors.” Anjelica Huston? Well, to tell you the truth, her work in the aforementioned “Crimes” was one of the only things in the film about which I wasn’t insanely happy. But she’s a lot better in this. She’s less melodramatic and the fast-paced dialogue she and the other three leads have to deliver is pretty terrific. When all’s said and done, Woody Allen does dialogue. The mystery plot doesn’t really matter, and there’s only about as much overall tension worked up in this outing as any award show. In other words, the stakes here are not life and death. And, if they are, they’re not played that way.

8. “A Midsummer Night’s Sex Comedy” (1982)

If “Sleeper,” “Love and Death,” and “Manhattan” were able to conceive a child, “A Midsummer Night’s Sex Comedy” would be their cinematic offspring. I like to think of this film as Woody’s throwback to his movies of yesteryear made with the skills he acquired as a filmmaker after directing films such as “Annie Hall” and “Interiors.” It’s a lighthearted romantic comedy, for sure, but it has a setting, supernatural elements, and a screwball sensibility that place it alongside his earlier works. And you know what? It’s the best of them. He was still young enough to be a believable love interest of his female costars and yet experienced enough to craft a fully successful, competent film of this nature. Involving the romantic entanglements of a cast of characters including Mia Farrow, Tony Roberts, and José Ferrer, the film takes place over the course of a weekend at a summer home in upstate New York owned by Andrew (Allen) and Adrian (Mary Steenburgen). It’s a lot better than his early fare and it’s nice to see Woody not doing all of the comedic heavy lifting as a member of an ensemble cast. The rivalry between Ferrer and Roberts is great, and the screwball stuff works better than it ever did in “Sleeper.”

7. “September” (1987)

Can Woody Allen set an aesthetic tone for his films or what? “September,” his golden-hued follow up to “Hannah and Her Sisters,” touches on a few of the same issues as its predecessor but with a different tone, setting, and with a complete absence of comedy. It’s a dramatic, serious meditation on unrequited love and broken parent/child relationships taking place over the course of a few days in yet another summer home. Farrow and her best friend (played by Dianne Wiest) are two parts of a love quartet including two of Farrow’s neighbors, Sam Waterston and Denholm Elliott. Staying the summer with Mia, in addition to Wiest, is her mother (Elaine Stritch) and her retired physicist boyfriend (Jack Warden), the latter of whom engages Waterston’s Peter in a discussion of cosmic indifference and evolutionary randomness by candlelight after a storm shuts off their electricity. The performances are excellent across the board and function especially well within the isolation of the picture. There’s a vibe of loneliness in the movie and I can’t remember a single scene taking place outdoors. The aesthetic I previously mentioned is very conspicuous; the interior of the house really has an omnipresent golden hue. It’s such a solid, functional drama with great performances–mostly filmed in long, unbroken shots like so many of Allen’s works–that it deserves much more than to be shrugged off as it has. The set up is basically a theater exercise, but the delivery and payoff are totally redeeming.

6. “Everyone Says I Love You” (1996)

I’ll say it right off the bat: I don’t like musicals. Who does, though, to be honest? Other than the great films that seem to be musicals incidentally (“The Wizard of Oz,” “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”) and the few good pure musicals (“Singin’ in the Rain”), they’re not something I go for. They’re mostly phony, uninspired and, while I’m not that much of a cynic, far too saccharine for my taste. The whole “Let’s sing about what we’re doing, feeling, thinking, and what’s happening next” thing is really disruptive. But Woody Allen tackling the genre? I’m so in. “Everyone Says I Love You,” starring Edward Norton and Drew Bayymore, is a terrific entry in the vast, multifarious catalog of Allen films. It’s a classic Woody Allen romantic comedy with elaborate, wonderfully executed musical numbers almost peppered in. The great thing about this musical is that the songs were pre-existing and, as such, don’t do much more than vaguely indicate character’s emotions. They don’t telegraph the plot. They don’t serve as lame exposition. They’re just great pieces of music performed by many different actors in equally adept performances. Watch out for a young Natalie Portman!

5. “Zelig” (1983)

When one thinks of the seminal mockumentary of the 1980s, what comes to mind? My guess is “This Is Spinal Tap.” And that’s fine. Lots of people have a perpetual hard-on for the picture and treasure it. But I hate to break it to you, kids–the mockumentary of the 1980s just so happens to be “Zelig.” Using stock footage, staged interviews, and the kind of special effects that give meaning to the term, Allen and cinematographer Gordon Willis put together a marvelous, inexcusably forgotten masterpiece. Yeah, I said it. The subject of the piece is the fictional character Leonard Zelig (Allen), a man whose physiology demands constant adjustments in physical appearance and personality depending on whose company he’s keeping. For instance, when he’s around a doctor, he looks and acts like a doctor. And on it goes. It’s an astonishing technical achievement and is due a greatly heightened degree of appreciation. While some people’s mockumentary needs are met by “Spinal Tap” and the slew of subsequent Christopher Guest productions, we know what the real deal is. I do, anyway.

4. “Anything Else” (2003)

What an unjustly maligned movie this is! The basic argument of its detractors concerns its vague similarities to “Annie Hall” (which they fail to realize are similarities to all Woody Allen films) and their contention that Jason Biggs’ performance as Jerry Falk is a mere impersonation of Woody. Well, as someone who’s seen all three “American Pie” movies, I can tell you that Jason Biggs is not doing an impersonation of anyone. He’s been a stuttering, awkward, insecure neurotic since he stuck his dick in a pie in 1999. The difference here is that Woody’s dialogue has intellectual content and a level of sophistication in its humor slightly above that of dessert copulation. But this isn’t about “American Pie”; this is about “Anything Else.” And you know what? It’s a great movie. Christina Ricci is hyper-neurotic and unforgivably sexy as Jerry’s girlfriend Amanda, and Stockard Channing is pitch perfect as her mother. Her escapades with a coke-snorting horse whisperer are particularly entertaining. Woody, too, puts in the kind of performance as Biggs’ slightly deranged mentor that puts himself to shame in 2006’s “Scoop,” a movie that gets a deserved bad rap. While it is a pure romantic comedy at heart, much of the interaction between Allen and Biggs is darker and concerns the kind of deeper existential issues prodded in most of Allen’s films. Leave it to Woody to use a struggling relationship as a springboard for the meaning of existence.

3. “Deconstructing Harry” (1997)

I’m going to submit that this is the funniest Woody Allen movie, period. And it’s not funny in that very specific, highbrow, Woody Allen-kind-of-way. It’s funny on its own terms. It’s the product of an old master’s attempts to fulfill the comedic needs of a younger generation, and the results speak for themselves. Allen plays Harry Block, an author suffering writer’s block (not so subtle) who’s been invited to an honorary ceremony at the college that expelled him years before. Much could be said of the film’s apparent autobiographical content signified by its many failed relationships due to infidelity and betrayal and so on. But there are deeper truths here than those merely reflected in the director’s life. The humor here is so vulgar at times that it’s hard to believe Woody Allen was behind the lens, but that’s what makes it so effective. It is a perfect synergy of intellectual banter and crude sex jokes. And yet…the business about functioning better in art than in life remains intact, untarnished by the comedy. Same goes for all the insights, for that matter, which ring true en masse. I know it may seem like this entire recap/explanatory passage is about me being tickled by Woody Allen saying dirty words, but it isn’t. Had the movie been a stark drama with the same aphoristic integrity, I’d be telling the same story, here. But it isn’t. It’s really fucking funny.

2. “Husbands and Wives” (1992)

With shaky, hand-held camera work and seemingly arbitrary yet deliberately choppy editing, “Husbands and Wives” hardly holds any titles in the technical achievement branch of cinematic appreciation. But this artistic choice (it doesn’t sound any less pretentious when read aloud) happens to serve the film extremely well. It also makes a lot of sense, since it’s basically a totally sincere mockumentary not being played for laughs that uses voice-over narration and interviews with the characters. Those technicalities of production aside, the performances here are really terrific. And I don’t just mean Judy Davis’, whose turn as the cold, rigid intellectual Sally is hilarious. This film contains what might be Woody’s best piece of acting, period. He’s so restrained and surprisingly not neurotic, here, that I suspect his other, more high energy performances are indeed exaggerations of his personality (as he often declares). Sydney Pollack is really hilarious, too, in the most brutally honest way. The scene with him outside the party with his young, astrology-enthused aerobics instructor girlfriend is one of the funniest and most cringe-worthy I’ve seen. Another plus to this film is that you get to see a post-“Cape Fear,” pre-Scientology Juliette Lewis in a nice supporting role as the student/love interest of Woody’s character, Cliff.

1. “Stardust Memories” (1980)

This film, which came out one year after his universally lauded masterpiece, “Manhattan” (not to mention three years after his other universally-lauded masterpiece “Annie Hall”), could only really be expected to fall short. In the wake of such critical success, Woody decided to scrap any shred of easily digestible, logical narrative and make a film brimming with absurdity. While “Annie Hall” certainly had surrealistic elements to it, a clustered narrative, and presented scenes of pure imagination, it was relatively easy to follow. Alvy Singer’s constant breaking of the fourth wall had a way of keeping the fantasy sequences in check. But in “Stardust Memories,” the line between reality and fantasy is almost blurred entirely, right up to the end, with fantasy sequences taking place within larger fantasy sequences and so on. It’s definitely a film that requires repeated viewings to (almost) fully understand, but it’s so rich that each revisit is equally rewarding. Taking a cue from Fellini’s “8 ½,” “Stardust Memories” is about a disenchanted filmmaker named Sandy Bates (Allen) who has ceased to make comedies in view of human misery. He’s invited to the Jersey shore for a film festival of his past work, and during his stay, events of such humor and insight and madness and beauty take place, the cold shoulder this film has received is incalculable. From his encounter with alien life to childhood memories to a scene with his past girlfriend Dorrie (Charlotte Rampling) during which Louis Armstrong’s “Stardust” is played, the film is just alive. It has beautiful black and white cinematography by Gordon Willis and a fantastic soundtrack mostly comprised of Django Reinhardt. It’s also interesting to note that it marks the first in a series of what many perceive to be the definitive Woody Allen film, which includes jazz music and that ubiquitous credit sequence (“Annie Hall” was mostly devoid of music and “Manhattan” was 100% Gershwin). All in all, what this film lacks in straightforward storytelling and direct emotional impact, it makes up for in copious artistry and imagination.

Tags: 10, films, great, list, movies, overlooked, ten, top, Top 10 Lists, top ten, Underrated, woody, Woody Allen

They say all actors want to be rock stars and vice versa. There are a select few who are able to do both, but for the most part, we don’t want musicians (especially not will.i.am in “Wolverine,” in theaters now) in our movies and we don’t want our movie stars (especially not Kevin Costner and Modern West, on tour now) on our stages. That’s why the rock star cameo is a fun and harmless little way for our favorite rockers to appear for a short time (sometimes as themselves) and disappear before they can do any real harm to the movie. Many times, the rock star cameo sounds way cooler on paper (Keith Richards as Jack Sparrow’s daddy “Pirate,” for example) or just plain fizzles out (Neil Diamond in “Saving Silverman”). This list is proof that there is a way, however, to have rock star cameos that actually … well … rock. I know I missed some, so please leave comments below! If you have an idea for a Top 10, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com.

Runners-up: The Beach Boys and Rick Neilsen (from Cheap Trick) in the Fat Boys’ “Disorderlies,” Dave Pirner (Soul Asylum) and Evan Dando (Lemonheads) in “Reality Bites,” Lemmy Kilmister (Motorhead) in “Airheads,” Dave Grohl, Meat Loaf, and Ronnie James Dio in “Tenacious D: The Pick of Destiny.”

10. Elvis Costello, “200 Cigarettes” (1999)

The ensemble movie, set in 1981 and co-starring Ben Affleck, Casey Affleck, Dave Chappelle, Courtney Love, Jay Mohr, Christina Ricci, Janeane Garofalo, Kate Hudson, and Paul Rudd (sporting the worst sideburns ever), is pretty terrible and emblematic of the Gen X formula movie (with a dash of nostaligia), which makes Elvis Costello’s cameo pretty unexpected. (Then again, he also cameoed in “Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me,” so I guess he’ll do just about anything.) Costello is the huge crush of Martha Plimpton’s character. She’s throwing a big new Year’s Bash and is worried no one will come. But come they do and all manner of drama and relationships is discussed. At the party, she eventually passes out in the kitchen and misses the arrival of her idol. At the end of the movie, the weirdest couples end of pairing off—one of them being Elvis, but not with his admirer. It should also be noted that David Johansen of the New York Dolls (and Buster Poindexter fame…ugh.) is in this movie too, although it’s not really a cameo.

9. Flea, Aimee Mann, and Jimmie Dale Gilmore, “The Big Lebowski” (1998)

“Okay. So we take ze money you haf on you, und ve calls it eefen. Ve don’t care. Ve still vant ze money, Lebowski, or ve f*** you up.” We also know the nihilists from the Coen brothers’ cult classic “The Big Lebowski.” But did you know that two of the nihilists were played by big rock stars? Nihilist #2, or Kieffer, as he’s known in the script is played by Red Hot Chili Peppers’ bassist Flea, while the girlfriend of Nihilist #3 (otherwise known as Nihilist Woman in the script) is none other than Aimee Mann. Mann’s bleach-white hair and lanky body are perfect for the role, which is way bigger than you might think. After all, she’s the one who sacrificed her toe. (That’s her on the left, and him second from right.) Country-rock singer/songwriter Jimmie Dale Gilmore is also in the film as one of Walter’s Vietnam vet bowling buddies. He’s the one Walter accuses of cheating by brandishing a gun.

8. Lance Bass, “Tropic Thunder” (2008)

OK, he’s not really a rocker, but this this cameo gets a lot of credit for just being plain creative. In 2006, the ‘N Sync’er and former teen heartthrob to millions of girls came out of the closet. Two years later, he made his second cameo in a Ben Stiller film (more on that later) when he appeared in the vicious war-movie-set Hollywood satire “Tropic Thunder.” In the movie, rapper/actor Alpa Chino (Brandon T. Jackson) seems to be hiding something under his tough veneer. He also keeps referring to someone named “Lance,” and later confesses it’s his boyfriend. I remember thinking, “Lance—like Lance Bass.” Sure enough, during the last scene of the film at the Oscar ceremony that year, Chino’s got you-know-who on his arm.

7. Twisted Sister, “Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure” (1985)

Pee-Wee (Paul Reubens) is being chased by studio security through the Warner Bros. backlot when he all of a sudden the pounding orchestral music comes to a screeching halt and we see a bushy-haired blonde dude straddling a car and trying to look tough. He’s singing something about the Devil. It’s lead singer Dee Snider with his band Twisted Sister behind him and a bunch of chicks that looked like they stepped off “The Road Warrior” set but with more make-up. They’re filming the music video for their never-a-hit single “Burn in Hell.” (Not quite as harmless as “I Wanna Rock”!) As Santa and a dazed Godzilla come around the corner chasing Pee-Wee in a big sleigh being dragged by a boat, the band disperses quickly. Pee-Wee—a loner, a rebel—remains unflappable. “How ya doin’?” he yelps joyously as he rides off. Tim Burton’s directorial debut is still the funniest movie he’s ever done. What’s that? Do I hear calls for a Pee-Wee/Burton reunion?

6. Alice Cooper, “Wayne’s World” (1992)

This cameo is a perfect example of playing against type, and it probably has something to do with a bit of an Alice Cooper re-emergence around the early nineties. Not only does he encourage the lovable metalheads to stay and hang out with him and the band, he turns out to be some kind of Milwaukee history buff. As Wayne (Mike Myers) and Garth (Dana Carvey) are wandering around backstage flashing their passes proudly to everyone they see, they run into Alice and the band. Eschewing the party-hard atmosphere of most hard rock bands, Alice engages them in a discussion of French missionaries and explorers from the late 16th century and Algonquin word origins. Curious indeed.

5. Billy Idol, “The Wedding Singer” (1998)

How many washed-up 80s rockers get to save the day in a hugely popular romantic comedy? Since Adam Sandler’s “The Wedding Singer” takes place in 1985 but was filmed in 1998, that means Billy Idol was 43 years old playing himself at 29 when he showed up on that fateful plane ride with Sandler and Drew Barrymore. Not only does Idol introduce Sandler’s win-her-back acoustic number over the airplane intercom, but he also blocks Barrymore’s Don Johnson-looking fiancée from getting anywhere near him with a sly “How you doin’ sir? Chicken or fish?” He also has the most devilish look on his face ever when one lady in first class asks, “What’s the mile-high club?” This appearance alone probably upped his nostalgic “cool” factor for a good 5 years or so.

4. David Bowie, “Zoolander”(2001)

It all gets too dangerous when male supermodels Derek Zoolander (Ben Stiller) and Hansel (Owen Wilson) decide to settle their beef on the runway at the old Members Only warehouse with a “Rocky”-like “walk-off.” There’s only one person with the fortitude and experience to judge this spur-of-the-moment meeting of the feeble minds—former glam rock king David Bowie. Bowie is a serious actor in his own right (from playing an alien in Nicolas Roeg’s “The Man Who Fell to Earth” in 1976 to playing inventor Nikola Tesla in Christopher Nolan’s 2006 thriller “The Prestige”), and he shows impeccable comic timing when he volunteers his services at a late-night party and covers the ground rules with his competitors. It should also be noted that his cameo on Ricky Gervais’ “Extras” doesn’t count because it’s a TV show, but it’s actually way funnier. Bowie improvises a song on the piano about Gervais’ “little fat man with the pug-nosed face” that has me in stitches every time I hear it.

3. Alanis Morrisette, “Dogma” (1999)

I’m not a big Alanis Morrisette fan, so when her cameo in Kevin Smith’s “Dogma” was first leaked, I was pretty poo-poo about the whole thing. When I found out that he had cast her as God, I thought—“Wow, is he trying to say something about her music?” Yikes. But this is one of those instances when you just have to trust that the director saw something that you hadn’t. I mean, he is the freaking director after all—who are we to sit here and judge before we even see the film? Since then, I try to remain pretty open about all casting news I hear. The statement—that God is a woman (or in woman form at least)—was enough. All Smith was trying to do was push our buttons, after all. What Morrissette brought to her small but ultimately HUGE role is this little-girl impish kind of playfulness that completely suited the conclusion to a pretty far-out religious adventure film that flirted with some pretty heavy subjects. Smith was right—she was perfect for the part.

2. Ozzy Osbourne, “Trick or Treat” (1986)

Way before the Prince of Darkness became a stuttering reality TV star, Ozzy was about as dangerous as you could get in heavy metal. Back in the 80s (before the Internet), his supposedly Satanic lyrics and rumors of him biting the heads off bats onstage were real enough to scare the beejezus out of younger metal fans. (After the bat actual incident, which happened just once on accident with a dead bat in Des Moines, phone calls to the Wisconsin Humane Society on the same 1982 tour warned that Osbourne would be slaughtering a goat onstage in Milwaukee.) That’s why his cameo in the backwards-masking horror flick “Trick or Treat” is so much fun. No, he’s not the possessed rock star—instead, Ozzy plays a man of the cloth. He’s shown on the TV—in the background of two separate scenes—railing against the evils of rock n’ roll pornography and the “sick people” who listen to it. In one clip, he’s passionately denouncing an album called “Do It Like A Dog.” Gene Simmons of KISS also cameos in the film as a DJ named Nuke, but it’s not nearly as funny or cool as Ozzy’s part.

1. Bruce Springsteen, “High Fidelity” (2000)

Rob Gordon (John Cusack) is obsessed with music and he can’t seem to take the next step in his adult life. In Stephen Frears’ brilliant adaptation of the novel (a book that speaks to me louder than almost any other), Rob also consistently breaks the fourth wall and speaks directly to the audience. In the book by Nick Hornby, the main character wishes he could handle his past girlfriends as well as the musician does in the Bruce Springsteen song “Bobby Jean.” In the movie, Rob has a conversation in his head out loud with the Boss, who shows up strumming a guitar in the studio, to offer some sage advice. At that point in the movie, he may be the only person that Rob will actually listen to. He lies on his pillow, looking up to the ceiling and has the conversation all by himself. “Thanks, Boss,” he says, saluting after it’s over. (Watch it at the link above. Now.)

Tags: 10, acting, best, cameo, Cameos, film, in, list, movies, musician, rock, singers, star, top, Top 10 Lists, top ten

Warren J. Cantrell is a writer based out of Seattle, WA. In his email to us, he listed his interests/likes as skydiving, boat racing, bull fighting, midget wrestling, and generally staying as extreme as possible. He described himself (seriously) as “a long-gone-daddy standing seven and a half feet tall with a chin as mighty as any on Rushmore, calves like cinder blocks, with ten feet of #*&@, and two buckets of *@#&.” (Censored for effect in the intro here, but Warren’s story is censor-free! Read on.) He is also the first Scene-Stealers sitegoer to write a Top 10 list about ONE MOVIE, a 1990 Arnold Schwarzenegger-less sequel at that. This Top 10 is also notable for its creation of the past-tense word “wad-shot.” Love it.

Here’s Warren with the Top 10 Reasons “Predator 2” Is the Best of the “Predator” Franchise:

10. Danny Glover

While many might maintain (and with little argument from the majority) that this film was but a diversification attempt at a resume which had, up to this point, disgustingly few “Alien”-themed roles: look deeper. Not only is D. Glove ripped as shit for this role (an obvious sign of Arnold-like commitment to some serious other-world ethnic cleansing) his mere presence in the film is enough to draw out the Captain from “Lethal Weapon” in a bit part as the SWAT Team Commando (check the credits, yeah, that’s Steve Kahan). In short, Danny Glover and the script were so awesome that people obviously had a line forming to the left to get in on “Predator 2”—this miracle of cinema.

9. The Setting

While a group of commandos gone missing in Central America has its charms, let’s be honest: We all wanted to see ol’ pussy-face go crazy in South Central, raising indiscriminate hell with both the bloods and crips. While the script goes a bit off-course with a curious cartel war between the Jamaicans and Columbians (ah, the 90s!), the fact remains that the possibilities were endless. What if we want to break the tension by inserting Final Jeopardy music and an old woman stalking the antagonist with a broom? No problem. What if we want to introduce a spurious car-chase scene to prep the finale? Check. What if we want to use that bad-ass trumpet music to underscore another death, yet need an urban cemetery to set up the shot? Piece of cake. That every “Predator” movie since has not taken place in a bustling metropolis is a tragic crime.

8. Lack of Creativity

Nothing ruins a movie like a plot that’s too damn creative for its own good. In a Predator film, there’s only a few necessary ingredients—all other contributions are a threat to a perfect formula. These necessities are: a generous body count, an impeccably masculine lead, and few if any breaks in the action (which should remain human v. alien-based). That’s it. No need to earnestly delve into secondary characters or get creative with the deeper meaning or context of who is right, wrong, evil, or good (seriously, I mean, they actually teamed the Predator up WITH the hero in “Alien vs. Predator”? What the crap?). Let’s keep it simple: a badass runs afoul of an alien during an intergalactic slaughter-vacation—violence ensues. Don’t fix things that aren’t broken.

7. The Final Showdown

While Arnold gets extra points in his column for his monstrous, mud-covered, torch-in-hand battle-cry prior to the final duel in 1987’s “Predator,” D. Glove once again takes it a step further. If observed from a distance, few can argue that the finale of “Predator 2” takes its predecessor’s best intentions and accomplishments, and absolutely beats them into a fever. Arnold covered all of 100 square yards from end-to-end in his battle while the sequel takes extra advantage of roughly 40 city blocks, including a slaughterhouse (extra awesome points for that alone), and ending at last in an underground subway/hobo sanctuary. Spielberg, Scorsese, Coppola, all of the greats learned a valuable lesson from this film: If given the chance to chase an alien, use as much real-estate as possible!

6. The Subway

While already mentioned in regards to setting, this particular sequence deserves its own discussion, as there’s too much awesome to reign in with this category. Not only does this section of the film kick off the ensuing climax (pretty much the last half of the movie), it houses probably the greatest killing in film history. What do you do after you and every other armed patron of the underground-long-bus unloads all 47 dozen rounds to no effect? I’ll tell you what, you pick up a 2 ft. machete (who cares why it’s there, it is!), squint into the coming darkness, and repeat Bill Paxton’s greatest line of the film: “Come on, motherfucker! Let’s dance!” I still weep every time I watch this scene; the purity of manliness simply too much to bear.

5. Conspicuous Lack of Important Female Characters

Just because Ridley Scott and James Cameron miraculously pulled it off doesn’t mean it’s a formula for success. “Predator 2” keeps the camera and the action rooted in what invariably puts movies in the “awesome” column: Male, no-nonsense hot-heads that play by their own rules and the bloodthirsty seven-plus-ft.-tall space creatures they are chasing. Period. End of story. No sideplots about deeper emotional involvement or budding romantic chemistry. The one female character with more than two minutes of screen time is utilized as an ancillary plot-filler to keep the audience busy while D. Glove’s crew is slowly reduced to naught. The moment her character is given even the slightest depth (we find out Maria Conchita Alonso is pregnant), she is immediately crammed into a waiting ambulance, never to be seen again. After I’m done writing this, I’m penning a note to the producers of “Predator 2” thanking them for their courage and foresight, and will forward a copy to every piece-of-shit Hollywood hack that force-feeds romantic involvement and R-to-PG-13 editing adjustments.

4. Increased Violence Levels

While credit should be given where due (The first “Predator” was violent as fuck), “Predator 2” takes murder, mutilation, and torture to new heights. The assault on the prison camp at the beginning of “Predator” certainly deserves a nod for a sustained orgy of automatic gunfire and death, yet like so many to have come before and since, the movie finds itself wad-shot and out of spooge for the remainder of the picture. Sure, over 60 seconds of jungle blind-firing and a one-armed Apollo Creed spice things up later, but the body count is suspiciously low for the second half of 1987’s “Predator.” In “Predator 2,” we get an open-air police v. cartel gunfight, drug kingpin torture and mutilation, a subway holocaust, and special government ops dudes in a veritable frozen limb pile. This is all aside from the fact that D. Glove finishes the goddamned Predator off in #2 with a spinning dagger-blade-thing as opposed to letting the slimy space-cunt finish the job off itself. That each new Predator installment should incrementally increase the violence level ought to be written into the franchise contract, something this film took to heart. [Special note/evidence: “Predator 2” had to re-edit roughly 20 times to get an R rating, as it was originally slapped with an NC-17.]

3. A Promise of Good Things To Come
Never has a film said so much with so little. As many noticed in the years between “Predator 2” and the abortion that would come to fruition as “Alien Vs. Predator,” once Glover’s character is aboard the Predator’s vessel near the end of the movie, an Alien skull is visible on the trophy mantle. With this second or two of screen time, endless possibilities grew into realistic promise. And not in an amateur “the movie is over, but here’s a quick teaser clip” moment either, but with a subtle, silent image that opened up a universe of awesome sequel/prequel scenarios. It would be over a decade until this promise was ruined by an absolute shit-storm of bad leads and even worse acting. Personally, when I go to sleep at night, I like to pretend that “Predator 2” really was the last film in the franchise thus far, and that if one waits long enough, the true promise of “Alien vs. Predator” will be fulfilled.

2. The Perfect Storm of Awesome: Busey and Paxton

Let’s face it, Christmas only comes once a year, and while birthdays, the Fourth of July, and St. Patty’s provide wonderfully reliable excuses to drink and celebrate the awesomeness of awesome, the best gifts always come at the end of December. That this movie provided the union of two of the greatest forces on the planet is—to use a tired expression—the gift that keeps giving. Gary Busey and Bill Paxton in the same movie: What took so long? The inclusion of either is usually enough to elevate a mediocre movie into Oscar-contention, that this film threw two extra logs on the fire makes this one of the biggest award snubs in all of history. Academy: For shame!

1. A Moment of Honor

Who saw this coming? In the original, the villainous creature is so disgusted with the dishonor of miserable defeat, it kills itself rather than further advance humiliation. This is understandable, and worthy of a man-nod (it would be like you getting out-thought and killed by the scheming deer you were hunting, and all of your friends finding out later because the news made it large as a humorous aside on Letterman). In the glorious sequel, the Predator attempts the seppuku-like maneuver, yet can’t even get THIS right, losing an arm in the attempt. I’d like to think that it was this kind of dumb-fuckery that convinced the Predator Council at the end to spare D. Glove rather than exacting vengeance for butchering one of their own. Surely, had a puny 20th century human bushwhacked a Predator heavy, the ending would have been drastically different, our proud hero losing his skull and skin in a Hollywood minute in a reflexive act of revenge. Yet somehow the good lieutenant found the sweet spot, killing a sturdy Predator (yet obviously one not well-liked by its peers, as it seems enough respect got conveyed that the Predators understood killing a man as rock-solid as D. Glove would be a tragedy in any universe). As if signaling to the audience that a worthy installment had just entered the holy lexicon, the Predator Council lets the hero walk, even tossing a stupid human weapon/keepsake as if to state, “Good job on this one. Take this for later: You’ve earned a return visit.” Indeed D. Glove and company did. This cannot be said, however, for those who would follow.

Tags: 10, Alien, aliens, best, film, franchise, list, movie, predator, reasons, series, ten, top, Top 10 Lists, Top 10 Reasons Predator 2 Is the Best of the “Predator”, top ten, vs. predators, Worst

Today’s Top 10 comes from Andrew Reed, a frequent contributor who runs the excellent Fighting the Youth blog, and currently resides in Argentina. This is a great list that I hope you all enjoy! If you have a Top 10 list you’d like to contribute to Scene-Stealers, drop me a note at eric@scene-stealers.com and let me know! Here’s Andrew:

Directors ranging from Martin Scorsese to the Coen Brothers have made countless movies depicting older men cozying up to younger women who may or may not be naïve to the ways of romance (see also: Allen, Woody). But what of the kinder, older women who awaken young men to adulthood in the most giving way possible? I’m referring of course to cougars, to use the parlance of our time. Urbandictionary defines cougar as “a 35+ year old female who is on the hunt for a much younger male.” Some would say that any definition requires use of the word “pounce.” But whatever your take on the word’s official meaning, let’s take a moment to celebrate the women who teach more than they tease, the Top 10 Movie Cougars.

10. Mrs. Betty Carver, “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape” (1993)

Johnny Depp’s Gilbert Grape has the weight of the world on his shoulders. Well, perhaps just the weight of his family, but given his mother’s considerable girth, it probably feels the same. Gilbert allows himself only one indulgence, an affair with a married woman (Mary Steenburgen) whom he visits when delivering groceries. There is certainly pouncing–involving ice cream. Though Gilbert is emotionally uninvolved and relatively unaffected when Betty leaves town after her husband’s death, it sets him up for better things when a more age-appropriate romance passes through town.

Betty: “Gilbert. I’ll need a delivery later.”

9. Alex Barnett, “Loverboy” (1989)

Needing extra cash to pay for college, Randy Bodek (Patrick Dempsey playing the same lovable asshole he always does) takes a summer job delivering pizzas. Finding the funds insufficient and frustration with the silly sombrero he has to wear, Randy stumbles into a more lucrative side job that involves the bedding of pretty much every married woman in town. Really, I could have chosen anyone from the female cast of this movie. But Alex (Barbara Carrera) is the one who sets the whole thing in motion. Thanks to her tutelage, before long Randy is toting roses, dressing in a tuxedo, and ballroom dancing with his clients. His business endeavor falls apart when his mother orders his services and he is nearly killed by a band of angry husbands led by Vic Tayback. Also, his girlfriend happens to be in town, forcing him to divulge how he had been earning funds to return to campus. She is initially furious, but his newfound dancing skills win her over and she forgives him.

Alex: “Dear Randy, of course I prefer you naked, but if you must wear something, it should be the best.”

8. Ellen Burroughs, “Class” (1983)

Jonathan (Andrew McCarthy) is a nerdy, shy kid who gets a scholarship to a prestigious prep school. He is assigned to room with the rich and handsome Skip (Rob Lowe). After initially picking on Jonathan mercilessly, Skip makes it his business to get Jonathan laid. He sends him to a Chicago bar where Jonathan lucks into a mysterious older woman way out of his league named Ellen (Jacqueline Bisset) and eagerly returns to tell Skip all about it. Ellen ends the tryst upon discovering that Jonathan is only 17, but it is not the last they see of each other. When he accompanies Skip home for Christmas, Jonathan is horrified to discover that Ellen is Skip’s mother. The affair continues in fits and starts. It’s probably not the best way for a shy kid to learn about love and sex. At least Skip can claim his mission was accomplished even if it wasn’t the way he envisioned it.

Jonathan: “You’re asking me, the turd?”

Ellen: “Well, you look like a pretty… sensitive turd to me.”

7. Nora Baker, “White Palace” (1990)

Released just seven months after “Pretty Woman,” “White Palace” was a more serious take on the situation. Also, it features Jason Alexander playing basically the same exact role. But instead of the ridiculous notion of a rich executive falling in love with a street hooker (perfectly spoofed by Dave Chappelle), James Spader is a successful but lonely widower who reluctantly falls for a diner waitress in St. Louis named Nora (Susan Sarandon). She is a nurturing figure for him, able to help him overcome his grief with a steady diet of kitchen table sex. That he’s 27 and she’s 43 only makes their socio-economic differences that much more challenging. When he introduces her to his friends, the self-proclaimed “dumb hoosier” fails to fit in.

Nora: Honey, I got everything you need.

6. Marion Wormer, “Animal House” (1979)

When I was a kid, the Deltas seemed so mature and wise–even Pinto. Perhaps this is because Tim “Otter” Matheson and Peter “Boon” Riegert were already 30 years old. Regardless, when Otter picks up the dean’s wife (Verna Bloom) at a local grocery store by talking about his cucumber, it’s immediately clear that she’s the mature person in the conversation, showing up his banal banter with a more direct confidence. While Otter didn’t need any education in the bedroom, Mrs. Wormer did present him with the ultimate conquest, and opportunity he clearly relishes the moment she stumbles into the fraternity’s toga party. Despite his insipid efforts at making her a cocktail she clearly doesn’t need, Otter finds a way to stick it to the dean the best way he can.
Otter: “Mrs. Wormer, I’m so glad you could come.”

Marion Wormer: “Cut the crap. Get me a drink.”

5. Stifler’s Mom, “American Pie” (1999)

The movie that popularized the term MILF delivered on the acronym’s promise in a big way, and I’m not just talking about Jennifer Coolidge’s hair. With the four male protagonists all having pledged to conquer virginity before the end of high school, Finch (Eddie Kaye Thomas) appears to be the farthest behind in the game after a disastrous bathroom incident. At the post-prom party, ever the mature teenager interested in the finer things, he goes looking for something unique and stumbles across a bored and lonely Stifler’s mother. The two click so well that Finch remains obsessed with her well into future movies.

Stifler’s Mom: “I’ve got some scotch.”

Finch: “Single malt?”

Stifler’s Mom: “Aged 18 years. The way I like it.”

4. Luisa Cortés, “Y Tu Mamá También” (2001)

Someone once described narrative storytelling as either “someone takes a journey or a stranger comes to town.” For teenagers Tenoch (Diego Luna) and Julio (Gael García Bernal), both of these apply. Believing that they’re a lot more mature than they really are, the best friends decide to hit on Luisa (Maribel Verdú) at a wedding even though she is married. Perhaps they should have been more surprised when she agrees to go on a road trip with them to a secret beach in a location that nobody knows, including them. Along the way, she teaches them about love and sex and generally how to act like an adult. She’s operating on an entirely different level than they knew existed. It’s not that Luisa’s so old, but more that her companions are so young and, um, impressionable. I won’t spoil the ending, but let’s just say that she opens their minds to things they never believed were possible.

Luisa: You have to make the clitoris your best friend.

Tenoch: What kind of friend is always hiding?

3. Maude, “Harold and Maude” (1971)

At 79 years old, I don’t know if Maude (Ruth Gordon) qualifies as a cougar because she’s quite possibly too old to pounce without breaking a hip. But it doesn’t stop her from garnering the carnal advances of the young and suicidal Harold (Bud Cort). She doesn’t just give him a romp in the hay, but instills in him a real desire to live. Honestly, when someone first told me about this movie, I believed the premise was so far-fetched that there was no way the movie could work. But somehow the two characters really match, to the point where you’re not completely grossed out with the idea of Maude and Harold getting it on. Harold had younger women throwing themselves at him (well, at least his mother was throwing them at him), but he was only interested in pretending to kill himself in front of them. In the end, Maude changes his life through the most surprising romance in movie history.

Maude: “A lot of people enjoy being dead. But they are not dead, really. They’re just backing away from life. Reach out. Take a chance. Get hurt even. But play as well as you can. Go team, go! Give me an L. Give me an I. Give me a V. Give me an E. L-I-V-E. LIVE! Otherwise, you got nothing to talk about in the locker room.”

2. Norma Desmond, “Sunset Boulevard” (1950)

Sometimes cougars aren’t just in it for the sex. Sometimes they take it all very, very seriously. When down on his luck screenwriter Joe Gillis (William Holden) stumbles into washed up silent film star Norma Desmond’s life (real-life silent queen Gloria Swanson), he obtains sanctuary from money problems and a life on easy street. But he’s not in love with her. The more time he spends with Desmond, the sooner he realizes that she is completely insane. He wants to leave, but feels too much sympathy for her and enjoys the continued sugar-momma treatment. SPOILER ALERT! He remains in the relationship as long as he can, but eventually declares he is ending it. Desmond is furious and shoots him in the back, killing him. The consolation is that it finally gives her the attention she has been craving and feels she deserves.

Norma Desmond: No one ever leaves a star. That’s what makes one a star!

1. Mrs. Robinson, “The Graduate” (1967)

This has to be the most obvious #1 in Scene-Stealers history, right? I’m tempted to write nothing at all, but here goes: Poor Benjamin Braddock (Dustin Hoffman) never stood a chance. A young college graduate with no plans and no ambition, he is easily seduced by the wife of his father’s business partner. Though Ben is reluctant to engage in the affair, he doesn’t put up much of a fight. Throughout the relationship, Mrs. Robinson (Anne Bancroft) calls all the shots, telling Benjamin when and where to meet, and generally controlling his every move. After several months of assignations, Ben reluctantly develops interest in Mrs. Robinson’s daughter, Elaine. Whether Mrs. Robinson can be credited with giving Ben a jump start that leads to his obsession is debatable, but there’s no question that she helped remove him from his funk. One could argue that Mrs. Robinson was taking advantage of the meek Ben, or that his betrayal of her makes her the real victim. Either way, there’s no debate that she’s the #1 movie cougar of all time.

Benjamin: Mrs. Robinson, you’re trying to seduce me. Aren’t you?

Mrs. Robinson: Benjamin, I am not trying to seduce you.

Benjamin: I know that, but please, Mrs. Robinson, this is difficult.

Mrs. Robinson: Would you like me to seduce you?

Benjamin: What?

Mrs. Robinson: Is that what you’re trying to tell me?

Tags: 10, best, Cougars, film, films, hot, list, men, MILF, moms, movie, movies, old, older, ten, Top 10 Lists, top ten, women, young, younger