This list comes to us from Sean O’Connell, a New York City-based writer who has also contributed Top 10 Worst Movie Husbands, Top 10 Movie Rain Scenes and  Top 10 Movie Brothers to Scene-Stealers. Now he’s got a great list of awful movie neighbors for us. If you have a Top 10 you’d like to contribute, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Sean:

I would have to say I probably live on the greatest block ever. It has the ultimate small town feel to it, and what makes this possible is great neighbors. The neighbors I have are amazing because you can borrow a hammer from them and they can borrow a cup of milk from you. Every morning when you wake up there is a smiling face to great you as you head off to work and summers are filled with backyard BBQs. Unfortunately though for every two great neighbors you have, there are always the bad ones that pop up. In my case, they live across the street. Every morning the screaming and yelling wakes me up like an alarm clock, their dog craps in my yard, and they steal my kid’s toys from the front of my house when I am not looking. The police make more visits to their house than the mailman does. Needless to say, they drive me crazy and I always complain to my aunt (who also lives on the same block) about it all the time. She said to me the other day, “Sean, aren’t there a lot of bad neighbors portrayed in the movies?” This got me thinking … Yes. there have been a fair share of bad neighbors over the years on the silver screen. I have to offer my apologies to Ben Tuthill, the neighbor from “Poltergeist,” who just missed the cut. Why wouldn’t he just let the Freelings watch the football game? Thank you to my Aunt Denise and my annoying neighbors for giving me the inspiration to write the Top 10 Worst Movie Neighbors of all time.

10. Sid Phillips - Toy Story (1995)

Being a bad neighbor doesn’t just apply to those who are annoying to humans. The villain in this Pixar classic is a 10-year-old boy Sid (Eric Von Detton). While he never seems to bother Andy or his family at any point, he does terrorize toys. This is something that Woody (Tom Hanks) is constantly vigilant against. All of Andy’s toys are aware of this vicious neighbor who was kicked out of summer camp, as Rex tells Buzz (Tim Allen) “He tortures toys just for fun!” It seems that a dog accompanies most bad neighbors, and the furry pest in this case is Scud. He is known to eat toys on command from his leader. The whole second half of the movie deals with heroes Woody and Buzz trying to escape from Sid’s house of horrors. Sid gets his in the end as the toys come to life in his backyard moments before he launches Buzz into space on a rocket. I often wondered what happened to Sid after that, I mean that kid had to be in therapy for years. I’m still creeped out by Woody saying “We toys can see EVERYTHING!, so play nice!”

9. The Bumpuses – A Christmas Story (1983)

Like I wrote in the previous entry, bad neighbors usually come with dogs, and nothing is truer of the Parkers’ hillbilly neighbors the Bumpuses. They actually owned 785 smelly hound dogs that apparently ignored every other human being on earth other than Mr. Parker (Darren McGavin). They attack the poor man every day when he comes home from work. Where are these damn hillbillies anyway? Do they really not care that their awful dogs are physically assaulting another person? The worst comes on Christmas morning as the dogs come crashing in at just the mere smell of turkey. So basically you can’t have a decent meal with your family if you live next door to these fools because their dogs will literally crash the party. The only good thing that came out of this disaster was that the Parkers were introduced to Chinese turkey. I really have to give Mr. Parker credit on the way he dealt with his neighbors. He never confronted them or called the cops. He just yelled, “Son of bitches! Bumpuses!” and close the door on one of the dog’s ears. If those dogs had attacked me, destroyed my house and the Bumpuses made no attempt to fix it, well I would have grabbed Ralphie’s Red Rider BB gun and started picking off the smelly hounds one by one.

8. The Griswolds – National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989)

The third entry on the list, and second Christmas movie, was a hard one for me to put down. Mainly because I love the Griswolds and they may be one of my favorite movie families of all time. I just asked myself one question to prove a point to myself: Would I want to live next to them? The answer was no. Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase) is so obsessed with the holidays that he puts just about every Christmas light in the state of Illinois on his house. When he has his grand unveiling he blinds his yuppie neighbors, Todd and Margo Chester (Nicholas Guest and Julia Louis-Dreyfus). Then the Griswolds invite all their extended family members over for the holiday, Cousin Eddie (Randy Quaid) and his Winnebago full of trashy family members and Snots the Dog tag along. So the Chesters are forced to see Cousin Eddie empty his toilet into the sewer system. I know we only see Clark viewing, but I am sure they saw it as well. Would you like to wake up to that sight? The Chesters house is also destroyed when Clark cuts down his Christmas tree, and he shoots icicles from his gutters into their living room window. Then the ultimate catastrophe happens to the Chesters after Christmas is interrupted by a crazed squirrel who is chased by Snots the dog. The squirrel and Snots attack poor Margo, who was finally going to stand up to the Griswolds.

7. Cheech & Chong – Cheech & Chong’s Next Movie (1980)

I have to start by saying that Mr. Neatnik (Sy Kramer) should have realized that living next to Cheech (Cheech Marin) and Chong (Thomas Chong) was going to be a lost cause. The state of the house rivaled the the “Animal House” Delta House. It was covered with dirt and had boarded up windows. As if that wasn’t bad enough, Chong decides that he needs to play his guitar so loud that it actually creates noise pollution and breaks the windows of Mr. Neatnik’s house as he tries to give piano lessons. Then Cheech and Chong decide to borrow Mr. Neatnik’s car without asking, of course. When they run out of gas they fill it up with gasoline from a trashcan. This leads to the blowing up of Mr. Neatnik’s car. Cheech and Chong do what any bad neighbor would do, return the car as if nothing happened. When Mr. Neatnik does stand up for himself he just gets ignored for his efforts. Oh yeah, Cheech also mistakenly pees on his head.

6. Vic & Ramona – Neighbors (1981)

It seems like the 80s were filled with movies that dealt with bad neighbors. In this case, we are dealing with Vic (Dan Aykroyd) and Ramona (Cathy Moriarty) who move in to their house in the middle of the night next to Earl and Enid Keese (John Belushi & Kathryn Walker). Vic is constant liar, which is proven by his story of his home made sauce (which comes from a jar) and the spaghetti that he bought from a fancy Italian restaurant called Ceasar’s Garlic Wars, which is a small spaghetti and wine dealership at Valley Field Mall on Route 3, next to the Cinema Cineplex and the Singer Sewing Center. The restaurant doesn’t exist and Vic made the spaghetti himself. Then Vic decides to eat Earl’s daughter’s edible panties, which leads to Earl punching out Vic. Ramona, on the other hand, is constantly trying to seduce Earl–and when she finally does succeed, she blackmails him. At one point when Earl sneaks out to meet Ramona, Vic is waiting on the roof of his car wearing scuba gear. These particular neighbors turn poor suburbanite Earl’s life upside down. His own family starts to side with Vic and Ramona over him. When Earl finally decides to get revenge on Vic by driving his car into the swamp, it backfires. Vic tells him that their baby is in the truck. It turns out that baby is the dog (see what I mean about bad neighbors and their dogs) and he is not in the truck. I never really understood the end of the movie. SPOILER: Why does Earl decide to destroy his house and run away with these wackos? I guess he thought that they were such bad neighbors that he would spend the rest of his life with them. An interesting bit of trivia, Belushi was originally supposed to portray Vic and Aykroyd was to be Earl. They decided to switch weeks before filming and act against type.

5. Jerry Dandridge – Fright Night (1985)

As Cliff Clavin would say, “Another 80’s movie, another bad neighbor. What’s up with that?” The culprit this time is Jerry Dandridge (Chris Sarandon), just your typical run of the mill vampire that feasts on prostitutes. Dandridge moves in to his house in the middle of the night next door to the Brewsters with the help of what appears to be his live-in male companion, Billy Cole. Charley Brewster (William Ragsdale) one day just happens to be looking out his window, instead of at his half-naked girlfriend Amy (Amanda Bearse), and sees Dandridge sucking blood from a lady of the night. Of course Charley does not have sex with Amy, rather he becomes obsessed with the fact that there is a vampire living next door. His mom decides to invite Dandridge over for dinner, mainly because she has the hots for him. This act has now broken rule #32 on the list of Vampire Don’ts: Don’t invite a vampire into your house because now he can come over when ever he wants. The fact that he would come over now whenever he wants without asking by itself makes for a bad neighbor, regardless of the fact he is a vampire. Anyway, Dandrige does pop in at the Brewsters’ house, wrecks Charley’s room, and threatens to kill him. Then he goes outside and crashes Charley’s car. He turns Charley’s friend Evil Ed Thompson into a vampire and steals Amy away, and turns her into a vampire. SPOILER: Charley does get the last laugh as he and the Great Vampire Killer Peter Vincent (Roddy McDowell) kill Mr. Jerry Dandridge and save Amy. Although personally I would have let her die as well because she was annoying and would only grow up to become Marcie Rhodes from “Married with Children.”

4. The Langs – Arlington Road (1999)

Michael Faraday (Jeff Bridges) is just a normal college history professor who teaches a class on terrorism at George Washington University. He is a widow (his FBI agent wife died in an explosion) and raises his nine year old son Grant. He has a new girlfriend Brooke (Hope Davis) and everything seems to be finally getting back to normal for Michael. Then one day the new neighbor’s kid is injured in a reported fireworks accident. Michael rushes him to the emergency room, which sets up his first encounter with his new neighbors Oliver (Tim Robbins) & Cheryl (Joan Cusack). Michael slowly starts to suspect his neighbors of being terrorists. Haven’t we all thought that about our neighbors from time to time? Nobody believes him and they think that he is paranoid. His girlfriend Brooke decides one day to trail Oliver’s car and witnesses a suspicious package delivery in a garage. Brooke calls Michael & tells him she finally believes him, only to turn around and see Cheryl standing there. Brooke is found dead and the messages she left for Michael are erased. Then the Langs kidnap Grant, under the guise of a Scout camping trip. Once again, don’t all neighbors kidnap their kids? Is that wrong? Michael rents a car and follows a van that he believes his son is being held captive in. SPOILER: The van eventually reaches FBI headquarters and Michael rips open the back door of the van to find not his son but a bomb. There is an explosion and Michael, along with 184 people, are killed. Grant is sent to live with relatives, Michael is villified in the press as a terrorist, and the Langs get away. They staked Michael out from the beginning just to set him up as the fall guy and–oh yeah–kill his girlfriend and forever ruin the image of him in his son’s eyes. They rightfully deserve the number-four spot.

3. Lars Thorwald – Rear Window (1954)

This was another tough one for me as well, mainly because I really don’t know who the bad neighbor is. L. B. “Jeff” Jeffries (Jimmy Stewart) is a photographer who is recovering from a broken leg. He is confined to his apartment in a wheelchair and is slowly going crazy from the boredom. So instead of spending time with his amazingly beautiful girlfriend Lisa (Grace Kelly), he decides to pass the hours by spying on his neighbors through the lens of his camera. Really Jeff? Grace Kelly worships the ground you walk (I mean roll) on and you would rather look at lonely women, a songwriter, some married couples, and a salesman? If it weren’t for Lars Thorwald (Raymond Burr) the salesman, it would be Jeff’s name on this list. It turns out Lars lives with his bedridden wife who one day just magically disappears. Jeff sees Lars cleaning a knife and a handsaw, tying a large packing crate with heavy rope, making late-night trips carrying a large case. Jeff is convinced that Lars killed his wife and being the good brave boyfriend that he is, he sends Lisa over there with a note saying “What have you done with her?” (SPOILER) A neighbor’s dog starts poking around in the garden where the wife’s body may or may not be buried, So Lars decides to break the dog’s neck. Lars catches Lisa in his apartment, attempts to rough her up, but the police arrive just in time. Lars looks across the courtyard to realize that Jeff is the one sending notes and calling the police. Lars breaks in to Jeff’s apartment and throws him out the window. Good thing their was a group of cops standing there to break his fall. So Lars just ekes out Jeff as the bad neighbor because he killed his wife, then a dog, tried to beat up Grace Kelly, and threw an invalid out the window. Way to go, Lars!

2. Ray Peterson, Mark Rumsfield, Art Weingartner, Ricky Butler, and the Klopeks – The ‘Burbs (1989)

This movie is a cinematic study the behavior of bad neighbors. I had to include everyone on this list because they all have their own awful moments; there is no neighborly love here. It turns out one day the Klopeks just arrive on this somewhat peaceful street in the on Mayfield Place in suburban Hinckley Hills, Iowa. No one ever sees a moving truck and the Klopeks keep to themselves. Ray Peterson (Tom Hanks) is a stressed out husband and father who decides he needs to have a stay-cation (that’s a vacation at home). He is being constantly badgered by his annoying neighbors Art Weingartner (Rick Ducommun), Mark Rumsfield (Bruce Dern), and teenager Ricky Butler (Corey Feldman). Art and Mark believe the Klopeks to be mass murders because they are so reclusive. The only time anyone sees them is at night digging in their backyard. Then the old man up the block, Walter Seznick, disappears one day leaving behind only his toupee and his dog, Queenie. Art is convinced that an old man would never leave his toupee behind and is convinced the Klopeks killed him. Then Ray’s dog digs up a human femur bone in the backyard, which they start to believe belongs to Walt. Ray is finally convinced that they should break in to Klopeks’ house and search for the dead bodies. Throughout the movie each neighbor does awful things like dumping garbage in the street, shorting out the electrical lines, throwing loud parties with obnoxious friends, breaking and entering, destruction of property, shooting off live ammunition, and of course (SPOILER) accidentally breaking the gas line in the Klopeks’ house and blowing it up. At the end of the movie, it starts to look like the Klopeks are innocent. Walter had a heart attack and moved in with family. The Klopeks were taking in his mail and that is why they had his toupee. The police arrive with the Klopeks and want to arrest Ray. Ray then flips out on Art screaming “We’re the lunatics, not them!” So as Ray is being taken to the hospital for fire burns, Dr. Klopek (Henry Gibson) pays a visit to him in the ambulance. It seems the doctor believes that Ray saw the skull of the former owner of the house in the furnace. A fight ensues as Dr. Klopek attempts to kill Ray. The Klopeks steal the ambulance and try to drive away. They fail and crash into their own car. The trunk pops open to reveal a collection of bones, proving that the Klopeks were mass murders all along. That has to be the worst street ever.

1. Minnie & Roman Castevet – Rosemary’s Baby (1968)

To me, this one just seemed like a no-brainer. Rosemary Woodhouse (Mia Farrow) is a young wife who just moved into a beautiful New York City apartment building called the Bramford with her struggling actor husband Guy (John Cassavetes). The Bramford is known for some weird events and bizarre tenants over the years. Rosemary’s neighbors are a seemingly harmless old couple named Minnie (Ruth Gordon) and Roman Castevet (Sidney Blackmer). It turns out that this elderly couple is not harmless at all, rather, they are devil worshipers and part of a coven. They have a master plan to bring the son of Satan to life by mating the devil and an unsuspecting spouse. Their first choice takes a header off the building, which leaves them to turn to Rosemary. The Castevets spend a lot of time with Guy, convincing him his career will take off if he agrees to give up his first born. SPOILER: The great husband that he is (by the way, you should see my Top 10 list on bad movie husbands), he agrees to let Satan rape his wife. Minnie makes a chocolate mousse for the Woodhouses to eat on the night they decide to conceive a baby. Rosemary finds that the mousse has a chalky under taste and throws it away after a few bites. Minnie had actually drugged Rosemary in order to carry out her master plan. Rosemary does get impregnated and is talked out of seeing her obstetrician to see Dr. Saperstein instead, who turns out (you guessed it) to be part of the coven. Rosemary is having a difficult pregnancy, and wouldn’t you if you were carrying the spawn of Satan? Rosemary eventually discovers that her neighbors are part of a cult and that Roman is the son of a famed Satan worshiper. The Castevets decide to induce labor, and convince Rosemary the baby died upon delivery. She hears the cries of a baby from her room and follows the sounds. They eventually lead her to the coven and Minnie convinces her to be the mother of the son of Satan. If you ask me, I would take my whacked-out neighbors over Minnie any day and I will never accept chocolate mousse from a neighbor again. Ruth Gordon (”Harold and Maude”) received a well deserved Best Supporting Actress Award for her turn as Minnie.

Tags: bad, film, list, neighbors, nosy, ten, top, Top 10 Lists, Top 10 worst movie neighbors, Worst

Scene-Stealers reader Ryan Klima had the nerve to do what any true movie fan must do one day in their life to prove their mettle. He submitted a Top 10 list to Scene-Stealers. If you’d like to take a crack at one of your own, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Ryan:

Today in the age of TV and the internet, movie producers put all their marketing effort into the commercials, which are always annoying and played way too often. I find it sad that the original medium of showcasing upcoming movies is going downhill. Of course, I’m talking about movie posters. Conveying the emotions and feeling of a two-hour film on a 2D piece of paper can be extremely difficult. In fact, movie posters nowadays are mostly cut-and-paste jobs featuring the star of the movie smiling awkwardly into the camera. (Or screaming, depending the genre.) So I’ve compiled a list of the Top 10 Iconic Movie Posters of all-time—posters that only need one passing glance to make you say “I’m going to watch that.”

10. The Seven-Year Itch (1955)

Who could forget the image of the wind tunnel blowing up Marilyn Monroe’s skirt? I certainly can’t. This poster was going to be higher ranked, but it really doesn’t tell what the hell the movie is actually about. Is it 90 minutes of Marilyn under a wind tunnel? If only it was. Then again, without this poster, the movie probably would have been ignored. Who would want to watch a movie about a seven-year itch? In the age of Neosporin, that isn’t even possible. And what’s that guy in the background wearing, a beige jumpsuit?

9. 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)

You got to admire the balls of Stanley Kubrick by putting a fetus on the poster: You’d think that would turn people away. But no, with the tagline he promised us the ultimate trip, and believe me—he delivered. I’ll bet Cheech and Chong were mad though; “The Ultimate Trip” would have been the perfect tagline to one their movies. Back to “2001″: Of all the astounding visuals in the film, I believe the fetus was the best choice; maybe the trip wasn’t the journey of the astronauts, but the trip of Mankind itself. Wow that’s deep.

Maybe it’s just me, but add some hair to that fetus and he’d look exactly like a young Frankie Muniz.

8. Titanic (1997)

This is definitely one of the more popular posters of all time, which automatically warrants its iconic status. But I always hate posters with floating heads at the top of the page. I don’t know how they did it—but they made Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet’s heads bigger than the Titanic itself.

It is also probably the only iconic poster to feature an actor sniffing a fellow castmate.

7. Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)

Sure, Steven Spielberg is pretty good at this directing thing—but his real talent is in poster making. Three of Spielberg’s works are in this Top 10 list. Whether it’s Indiana Jones or Cheech and Chong, you just can’t go wrong with a hand-drawn poster. By hand-drawing a poster, you can create a mash of colors you just can’t duplicate in real life. The first three “Star Wars” films (also written by George Lucas, like Indy) also use this effect, but they’re so filled with characters you think you’re looking at a “Where’s Waldo?” puzzle.

The only problem is that Indy looks like he has a mustache. Heroes have a clean face.

6. King Kong (1933)

Movie posters rarely use a lot of color anymore. This masterpiece of a one-sheet looks as though a paint truck exploded on the canvas. I look at this and I think every poster should be hand-drawn or painted. I mean, wow! I want this poster as my wallpaper and I don’t mean on my computer. I want this to be the wallpaper for my entire house. And look—Kong is on fire and it’s not even bothering him.

Now that’s toughness.

5. American Beauty (1999)

Sometimes the simplest poster can be the best. I bet the guys who were supposed to make this poster (for the Oscar-winning Sam Mendes movie) totally forgot about it until the last second and just threw something together. It’s okay though, this poster is perfect. Even the tagline: “Look closer” is so simple, even though I have no idea what that means.

And for you perverts who are aroused by this poster, the joke’s on you, that’s Kevin Spacey’s stomach.

4. Jaws (1975)

This is easily the most recognizable poster of all-time; even though this scene is nowhere in the movie. If there was a museum for movie posters, this one would be surrounded by a velvet rope and bodyguards to make sure you don’t touch it. Out of all the huge shark movies out there, this one is the best.

Of course, it’s the only one directed by Steven Spielberg and it single-handedly launched the summer season as blockbuster central.

3. The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

This is the most iconic image plus it has the most iconic tagline of all time; so why didn’t this one win the top spot on my list? Simple. I don’t like the font. Nah, I’m just kidding. There’s really no order here. I really love this poster. Most kids have pictures of athletes or singers on their wall—I have Tim Robbins.

I tell you, whenever there’s a rainstorm outside; I always strike this iconic pose, much to the mockery of my sister.

2. Pulp Fiction (1994)

Perfecto. The poster for Quentin Tarantino’s cultural watershed captures the essence of film noir with a butterfly net full of awesomeness. The 10-cent stamp is a great touch. Oh, and Uma Thurman is pretty nice too. I saw this poster at a garage sale, so naturally I took out my Badass Motherfucker-imitation wallet to purchase it. To my horror, some schmuck scribbled out the 10-cent stamp, mistakenly thinking that it was not part of the poster.

I was so mad I had to recite Ezekiel 25:17 to calm me down.

1. E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982)

We have a winner folks! This poster is so iconic that Spielberg made it the logo for his Amblin Entertainment. What’s even more amazing is that I read on Wikipedia that this poster is real—some kid actually jumped his bike and they took the picture.

Thanks for reading everybody!

I made a poster for this Top 10 list…

Tags: best, coolest, Movie Posters, posters, top, Top 10 Lists, Top 10 Most Iconic Movie Posters, Top Ten Most Iconic Movie Posters

You can look at this list as a sequel of sorts to lists that J.D. and I wrote in 2006. The Top 10 Overlooked Movies lists were designed to give you something to rent that you may not have heard about or had the wrong idea about. Think of this as an updated version of that list, inspired in part by the new Ricky Gervais film “The Invention of Lying,” opening this weekend. He starred in a great little romantic comedy from last year that disappeared from theaters without a trace (see #10) and it got me thinking again: What other new-ish movies do I never hear anything about anymore? What happens to great films after they suffer disappointing box office runs? The answer? They turn up here.

If you have an idea for your own Top 10 list, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com.

10. Ghost Town (2008)

He saw dead people, but nobody saw this movie. As a self-centered dentist who must grapple with the fact that dead people are suddenly asking him favors at every turn, Ricky Gervais is just testy enough to feel make the silly seem authentic—and very, very funny. He also pulls off the tricky task of convincing an audience to love a prickly bastard and root for his romance with ghost Greg Kinnear’s widow (Tea Leoni). Writer/director David Koepp peppers his movie with just enough cynicism and to keep “Ghost Town” from falling into bad rom-com Hell, and when things do get a little sappy, it actually works.

9. Zathura (2005)

This is the little-seen kids-oriented movie that Jon Favreau directed right before he did “Iron Man.” On the surface, it’s a story about a house that gets transported without warning into outer space by a mysterious board game. There’s a visiting spaceman, a giant robot, and the lizard-like Zorgons to contend with, but most of all, “Zathura” is about the camaraderie and friendship of two young brothers (Josh Hutcherson and Jonah Bobo) that’s always marred by varying degrees of competition and jealousy. Favreau shows that even before “Iron Man” he knew how to strike just the right balance between character and fantasy. (Sidenote: It was co-adapted from the book by David Koepp, who also co-wrote and directed “Ghost Town.” Weird.)

8. The Lookout (2007)

Having adapted the Elmore Leonard novels “Get Shorty” and “Out of Sight,” screenwriter Scott Frank makes a sure-handed directorial debut with this modest crime caper set in Kansas City. Chris (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) is crippled with guilt and not able to function at a normal cognitive level anymore after a tragic high school car accident. His roommate is a blind father figure played by Jeff Daniels. Things get complicated for Chris when he meets a shady new crowd and they draft him into a scheme that he isn’t entirely aware of. Gordon-Levitt (who would go on to do “500 Days of Summer” and “G.I. Joe” this year) shines as the regretful loner and Matthew Goode (”Watchmen”) is magnetic as his new friend. The crime element is well-played, but its the characters you’ll really remember.

7. The Upside of Anger (2005)

The best female performance of 2005 in any movie was Joan Allen’s funny and fearless turn in a misrepresented film called “The Upside of Anger.” The hard-drinking, hard-charging Terry Ann Wolfmeyer is the razor-sharp creation of writer/director Mike Binder and, though you may think from the ad campaign that it is a touchy-feely family film, you’ll know from the moment you see Allen dismiss her daughter’s dreams in a fierce verbal barrage that you are in for more than you bargained for. Snappy dialogue is a rare find in Hollywood these days, and Allen and co-star Kevin Costner are on their game in this biting movie that avoids sinking into sentimentality until the moment it becomes almost unbearable not to.

6. The New World (2005)

The fact that the touching love story between John Smith (Colin Farrell) and young native princess Pocahontas (Q’orianka Kilcher) in Jamestown, Virginia probably never took place does not take away from writer/director Terrence Malick’s ability to tap into an emotional core that few directors achieve. The movie feels strange and new, like the English explorers must have felt coming upon a land unseen by “civilized” eyes, or how the native Algonquin people must have felt seeing those huge ships sail up to their shores. It also dismantles the entire rose-colored vision of America’s discovery and re-imagines historical events like the first Thanksgiving, all with the director’s trademark impressionistic style.

5. The Matador (2005)

Although he travels to exotic locales and is paid handsomely to be a “facilitator of fatalities,” Julian (Pierce Brosnan) is desperate and lost. He’s losing his knack for being a hitman, and realizes the trivial nature of his existence. His life is a series of frenzied one-night stands when he meets a mild-mannered salesman in Mexico City (Greg Kinnear). The two form an unlikely friendship, and soon Kinnear is doing all sorts of things he shouldn’t be. This is a funny, stylish movie from writer/director Richard Shepard that constantly feels as if it’s going to fall apart, yet it never quite does. It also showcases a depraved comedic side of Brosnan that is kind of a shock after all those years of playing the suave James Bond.

4. The Fountain (2006)

Before the neo-realism of “The Wrestler,” director Darren Aronofsky achieved a unique kind of narrative cohesion that defied traditional plot-driven mechanics with this lovely, stirring, and personal film. The combination of moody music, beautiful visuals, and rhythmic editing transports viewers back and forth through 16th Century Spain, a present-day medical struggle, the Fountain of Youth, the Tree of Life, and a future where Hugh Jackman floats through space in a clear bubble. While the ultimate meaning of the film may be up for interpretation, there’s no denying the film’s power to overtake the viewer. It’s narrative cohesion comes not from story, but rather the exquisiteness of its images and its transcendent life/death themes.

3. The Black Dahlia (2006)

Brian DePalma’s hugely theatrical adaptation of James Ellroy’s dark novel is one of the most criminally misunderstood movies in recent memory. Advertised as a film based on the real-life events surrounding L.A.’s most notorious unsolved murders, audiences and critics were instead treated to the pulpy, operatic descent into darkness of two 1940s L.A. cops (Aaron Eckhart and Josh Hartnett) and the woman they both love (Scarlett Johansson). Flamboyant camerawork and extravagant set design apparently weren’t enough to clue people in that this was meant to be a lusty and overheated soap opera set against the backdrop of a sick and twisted Hollywood. This is black noir the likes of which have never been seen, and the exaggerated acting by all involved is just part of the fun. This one is destined for a re-evaluation.

2. Speed Racer

To dismiss one of the most inventive movies in recent memory as a candy-colored assault on the senses is missing the point completely. This groundbreaking offering from the Wachowski brothers was unfairly bashed like no other movie last year. Like most films that are ahead of their time, though, I’m sure that “Speed Racer” will have its day. Rather than depicting reality, 14 different effects houses worked together to create a new form of “layered unreality” where nothing that is seen on the screen can actually exist in real life. The goal? A live-action interpretation of Japanese anime. The effects teams literally pieced together layer upon layer, essentially becoming the production design heads and “virtual” cinematographers. The pacing is frenetic, and the movie is probably too long for its own good, but as a bold experiment in storytelling, nothing else from last year is as invigorating.

1. Broken Flowers (2005)

Jim Jarmusch’s “Broken Flowers” tackles life’s ambiguous big picture and comes up with– guess what?– more ambiguity. A compelling portrait of loneliness tied together by a mystery plot, this meditative film has a wide-open array of interpretations. What it does subtly and surely, by putting Bill Murray’s eminently likable face on a character who stands in for our own existential nightmares, is ask us to face our own past and future. Does examining one’s regret require a complete flameout like Murray’s unfortunate Don Johnston, or will the inevitable march of time deal us cards of redemption? Murray keeps his hand close to his chest, wearing his best Poker face, and standing in for the viewer throughout. Devious in its simplicity, “Broken Flowers” has two transcendent moments of truth for every one silly and charming moment. Murray is alternately heartbreaking and hilarious in a role that Jarmusch wrote specifically for him, and there are no two better supporting performances in 2005 than the ones by Frances Conroy and Jeffrey Wright.

Tags: films, new, overlooked, overlooked movies, ten, top, Top 10 Lists, Top 10 Overlooked Movies of the Last Five Years, top ten, underappreciated

I know what you’re thinking: “Great. Here’s another list of terrible comedies for idiot potheads to watch as they stuff their faces with commercial snack products and contribute nothing to the world.” That’s exactly what you’re thinking. I know it is. And you’re wrong. I’ve smoked a decent amount of pot in my life, and I tend to view it as something more meaningful than most of the casual and even committed smokers I know. I think if the only thing you get out of it is the giggles and the munchies, you’re really missing out. Smoke a bowl and take a hike in the woods. Cook. Draw something. Or just watch one of these movies.

If you have an idea for your own Top 10, email Eric at eric@scene-stealers.com.

10. Adventureland (2009)

For me, one of the biggest pleasures I experience when watching a movie is any moment of recognition. It’s one of those weird stipulations of effective writing, wherein the more specific you make something, the more universal it becomes (it’s also what makes so much of the comedy in the Judd Apatow-related films work so well). That being said, Greg Mottola’s “Adventureland” is my favorite film of the year so far, and it landed a spot on this list for one reason: it has, to my knowledge, the best representation of realizing you’re high ever put on film. That’s right. Forget “Harold and Kumar” and “Cheech and Chong.” About halfway in, there’s a scene in which the main character, James Brennan (Jesse Eisenberg), is sharing a joint after hours with the resident bimbo at their place of employment. I won’t spoil it with some turgid explanation, but anyone that has ever smoked pot will recognize that scene as pitch perfect.

9. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971)

Now, just because I think there’s more to get out of smoking pot than laughter and an increased appetite does not mean I view either as unworthy, unpleasant consequences. Here is a film that plays to one of those effects quite intensely while simultaneously bombarding the viewer with an ass-load of psychedelic imagery and eccentricity guaranteed to enhance any stoned experience. There’s only one other children’s film on this list that is more trippy than this one and I think that fact speaks to the true nature of a marijuana high (apart from the aforementioned “giggles and munchies”). I don’t know if this goes for everyone, but after I smoke, I tend to behold all things with a child-like sense of wonder and watching this film as a stoned adult really brings you back to that innocent perceptual capacity you once had as a child. It’s a nice way to renew your imagination. Also, that edible room looks damn tasty.

8. Punch-Drunk Love (2002)

Paul Thomas Anderson is one of my favorite filmmakers. So is Stanley Kubrick. “Punch-Drunk Love,” PTA’s Adam Sandler vehicle from ‘02, is a really eccentric, subverted rom-com with the aesthetic–albeit a slightly warmer tone–of a Kubrick film. Also, it’s the first time Adam Sandler did anything worth discussing and it just so happened to be fucking fantastic. Now, we saw more of that brilliance in “Funny People” (another great Apatow film), but I fear we might not see it again for another half a decade. In any case, why is this film a distinguished viewing necessity for any stoner? No one smokes in the film. No one even mentions it. In fact, smoking a joint is probably the furthest thing from a possibility for the main character. However, the film is gorgeous to look at, ambitious, strange, and the soundtrack is just right (“He Needs Me,” anyone?). I keep referring to the heightened emotional acuity you acquire after smoking, and smoking before you watch this film is laying down the foundation for an exceptional experience.

7. The Lion King (1994)

Children’s films and television shows are often said to function as entertainment for both their target audience and stoned adults. Sometimes, this dual purpose almost seems intended (“Puff the Magic Dragon,” “H.R. Pufnstuf”), but I find that kind of transparent pandering to be a little annoying and I avoid it. “The Lion King,” on the other hand, makes no clear attempt to entertain that specific demographic and for that reason–you guessed it–it winds up doing exactly that! The opening sequence alone is sufficient evidence for its placement on this list, and that’s not just because it has bright colors and loud music. I mean, it certainly does have beautiful imagery and a huge musical number, but they serve to provide an impeccable visual and emotional context for the film: a film that made me cry when I saw it in theaters as a little boy. Hopefully, a recurring theme on this Top 10 will be the heightened emotional acuity one undertakes when high (a phenomenon known as pseudo-profundity). Every meager emotional brush stroke has the potential to floor you and any philosophical inkling has the potential to make sense of it all. “Circle of Life”? You bet your ass.

6. The Last Temptation of Christ (1987)

This may seem like an odd choice to some, but I’ll rest my case on a few key elements that make this film perfect viewing for someone under the influence of tetrahydrocannabinol. First of all, the film is moving and beautiful to begin with, so seeing it high elevates these dimensions to a staggering level. I’m as secular as they come, but this is an artful, mature portrayal of Christ (as I’m sure you’ve been made aware in the 20+ years since its release) and it really hits home. There’s the soundtrack by Peter Gabriel that is at once both chaotic and heartbreaking. The way the Palm Sunday sequence is scored is so goddamn glorious I can hardly stand it after I’ve cleared a bowl. With this movie, Scorsese achieved something I’m certain he never envisioned: a religious experience for pot-smoking atheists. Thanks, Marty.

5. The Wizard of Oz (1939)

This and “Willy Wonka” really are cut from the same cloth. It’s almost cheating putting them on the same list, but I couldn’t bring myself to choose one and wind up shortchanging the other. What do I even need to tell you about this movie to make my case? Everyone in the world has seen it and almost everyone in the world has smoked weed. The film has its drug references, but that has nothing to do with its appropriateness in this particular category (’cause we all know heroin and marijuana are on opposite ends of the spectrum). I’m not going to say this is good high viewing because of the color palette or the music, although those things don’t hurt. No. It’s great high viewing because there’s a complete, wonderful world created onscreen and it’s an ideal place to be. Smoke a bowl and tell me you’re not there. “There’s no place like home.” And there’s no place like Oz on some cush.

4. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

Much in the same vein as “Punch-Drunk Love,” Michel Gondry’s “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” is a remarkably moving, visually exciting, inventive masterpiece starring a comedic actor in his best performance ever. So, again, why is a film such as this a valid entry on this list? And why did that rhyme? I’ll answer the former. It’s not because the film is jam-packed with personified imagination in the form of crazy, true-to-their-meaning special effects. It’s because, like so many other films I’ve mentioned, there’s beauty in it. That’s the reason I chose this instead of Gondry’s other visual masterpiece, “The Science of Sleep.” That’s a great film, too, but it’s nowhere near this one in terms of lasting emotional impact. And impact is what it’s all about, here. Why limit oneself to shitty, low-brow comedies and potato chips? Why not watch something really terrific and spend some goddamn time in the kitchen?

3. Immortal Beloved (1994)

I smoked a lot of pot when I was younger. Then, inexplicably, I stopped. Out of nowhere (and due to some pretty shaky reasoning), I called it quits and didn’t so much as take a hit for about two and a half years. But things happen. People mature. So, when I started smoking again about a year and a half ago, I had a lot to catch up on. And there were two things I wanted to experience under the influence more than anything (things like sex and mountain climbing are best delegated to sober me). Number 1: “Plainsong” by The Cure. And number 2: “Immortal Beloved.” Ignoring the film’s richness and imaginative excess, I had honed in on one scene which cultivated in me an agonizing eagerness: near the end of his life, during a concert, Ludwig Van Beethoven (Gary Oldman) imagines (or remembers with a bit of embellishment?) himself as a young boy escaping his father’s wrath and running to a pool in the middle of the forest near his home. He takes off his shirt and shoes and lies down in the water. As “Ode to Joy” plays on the soundtrack, the camera pulls back and reveals the boy in a sea of stars. It’s goddamn breathtaking. And seeing it high for the first time, I thought my head was going to explode.

2. Ponyo (2009)

“Jellyfish float freely as schools of brightly colored fish swim by. Their movements are balletic. Pockets of color burst intermittently and there are innumerable fantastic creatures gliding above and scurrying atop the seabed. There’s a tall man with long, flowing red hair standing inside a giant bubble at the edge of some kind of aquatic vehicle. He’s squirting droplets of golden liquid onto the ground which explode into rainbows.” Read the full article here.

1. 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)

Throwing caution to the wind, I will now make a definitive statement: Stanley Kubrick’s “2001: A Space Odyssey” is the best movie one could possibly watch while high. Period. The idea for this very list came to me while watching it. And I knew then, too, that it would be number one. I knew that even before it got to the kaleidoscopic-dimension-shifting segment. Watching “The Dawn of Man,” I was convinced. One of the many strengths of this movie is its willingness to leave so much open. Not open to interpretation, mind you, but to projection. There isn’t a scene throughout with anything mapped out for the viewer. It’s all lovingly crafted, thought-provoking, visually superb empty space. And what better than a drug-addled mind to fill in all those gaps? With the circumstances delineated in this Top 10, you sit there and think, “Why do other activities exist? Why can’t getting high and watching this exact movie be the goal of every human life?” Perhaps I’m exaggerating, but you give this one a shot and tell me you’re not enraptured. I don’t even think you have to smoke pot regularly to see why this is the obvious, rightful choice. Evidence? Moments before I was about to watch it high for the first time, I caught Eric online and sent him an instant message. I explained the situation to him and, while I’m having trouble recalling his exact words, his sentiment was clear: “Godspeed.”

Tags: best, films, funniest, High, list, movies, pot, stoned, stoner, ten, top, Top 10 Lists, Watch, weed, when, While, you're

Warren J. Cantrell is back again. Our prolific contributor of verbose Top 10s has written so many lists for Scene-Stealers that he’s actually started his own site, 10rant.com. We’re glad to have him back with a fantastic list of the best boats in movie history. If you’ve got an idea for your own Top 10, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Warren:

Like any true man, there are few things I like more than a good boat. Liquor, outdoor meat-grilling, and a good explosion aside, there’s few things in this world more precious to me than the charms afforded to a man at sea. That you can combine all of the aforementioned pleasantries together to form a rollicking, drunk-by-noon BBQ and depth-charge party is what makes life worth living, and is what keeps me motivated to continue getting out of bed each morning. It’s no secret that boats are pretty friggin’ awesome, the plot options afforded to stories which utilize the lakes and oceans around us are diverse in both action and suspense possibilities. This list recognizes only the best offerings from the aquatic realm, ranking boats sometimes above even the picture in which they appeared. Indeed, this isn’t a list assessing maritime films, but rather a grading of the sweetest, most bad-ass yet thematically relevant vessels in movie history. Thus, while a rocking movie, the Alabama from “Crimson Tide” fails to make the cut as it was little more than an average, mutiny-ridden submarine with no particular charms outside the ordinary. Likewise, the patrol boat in “Apocalypse Now” was sturdy, but never really did anything except show up in a sweet movie and bail before the good stuff started. Also, Wesley’s ship Revenge (”The Princess Bride”) missed the cut as it was never really seen except in long shots, and proved little about its capabilities except that it was fast. With that in mind, I argue for…

10. Red October, The Hunt For Red October (1990)

Make no mistake about it: this is one hell of a ship. Aside from the fact that it gets immediate points because Sean Connery is at the wheel, the boat is tip-top in pretty much every way. Sure, it’s a little big and unwieldy, but it’s also near-silent, nuclear-equipped, brand-spanking-new, and capable of withstanding a full-fledged pistol battle within the weapons hold. Submarines are all pretty awesome anyway, but to accomplish all of the above and carry upon your back the mighty weight of a Baldwin (Alec) AND a Bond: now that’s saying something. And while it is a little big, let’s not forget that this thing ran the equivalent of a blindfolded underwater obstacle course with a torpedo on its ass and came out alright, not to mention that it totally walked the gauntlet of the combined American and Soviet fleets to get into Maine untouched by aggressive damage. The Red October survived all of this, as well as a saboteur raising all kinds of hell inside the guts of the beast, persevering against enemies both outside and in. We’re talking about a ship that had it in its power to start World War III with its eyes closed, so take time to recognize this boat’s capacities, as well as its accomplishments, as it’s one hell of a craft.

9. Jenny, Forrest Gump (1994)

Though Forrest and his vessel didn’t get off to a very good start, a freak hurricane and Lieutenant Dan calling out God Almighty from Jenny’s crow’s nest seemed to get the two on pretty good terms. And really, what else can you say about a ship except that it keeps you safe, and if you’re really lucky, also helps to make you filthy stinking rich? Not only did this plucky little bastard weather a storm that saw every other boat in the region go down like a fat chick on prom night, but it helped transform the movie’s protagonist into a Fortune-500 captain of industry. Make no mistake about it: this ship changed everything for Gump. Though something of a bottom-tier sports celebrity before embarking on his fishing endeavor, it was Jenny’s shrimp bonanza that put Gump on a fast-track to top-hat-and-monocle-level wealth. True, it wasn’t all roses for Alabama’s favorite son after that, what with the loss of his mother and childhood sweetheart: but don’t forget that Buttercup didn’t come running back until our man had pocketed himself a hefty fortune. Indeed, true to form, once the checks start rolling in at steady intervals and a dude gets into better shape as a result of a half dozen or so jogs across the United States, that which was once unattainable suddenly wants to screw. Of course, like any broad, she takes off until the flab is run off the love-handles, but remember that it was the ship Jenny that got the real one to come around, and considering what it went through at the hands of a mildly-retarded man-child (the fucking thing went through a dock for Chrissakes), that it floated around long enough to produce anything is amazing.

8. The fishing boat, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (1975)

Speaking of boats helping out the slight of mind, there are few crafts that have done more for a group of fellas than this one. In the book the fishing trip is much more formal, with R.P. McMurphy requesting (and receiving) permission to take the group out on a supervised fishing trip for therapeutic purposes. With Jack, however, there can be no such compromise, his read on Kesey’s noblest creation taking full advantage of the character’s metaphoric undertones. As his character’s initials imply, Nicholson’s R.P. McMurphy is all drive, all force and momentum: revving up the intensity of life in the small psych ward to levels intolerable for the sado-masochistic nurse running the show. Every time McMurphy slouches during group therapy or fails to snap to attention once Ratched starts turning up the heat, he is performing an act of defiance. For each argument and transgression, a small dent in the institution’s seemingly perfect façade appears, smudges on nurse station window far more profound than one might imagine. Though he went a little too far with the all-night bender at the end, what with Billy killing himself and all, he found the perfect balance of defiant rebellion and therapeutic recreation with the escape and unapproved fishing trip. Enough of a transgression to get in trouble though obviously positive enough of an experience for the medical staff not to condemn it too bitterly, with the fishing boat McMurphy scored a victory, albeit temporary, against an unholy bitch. This alone makes it a noteworthy entrant.

7. The riverboat, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971)

I don’t know what I like more about this scene: the creepy-as-shit song Wonka’s singing just off key, or the fact that he closes out that same song by screaming an unholy wail of the damned. The ship truly makes the moment, however, the spinning and gyrating mess of a vessel the product of a decade of doing way too much coke. The thing has both a canopy and a Mississippi River-style steamboat paddle engine, yet by all indications it’s powered solely by the galley-slave Oompa Loompas at the rear. Wonka’s boat is not only the creepiest and most fantastic ship that’s ever floated on a chocolate river, but it’s also quite the psychological tool. Even though a child had nearly drowned up to that point, the contestants and their children are all still relatively at peace, two of the fathers even swapping small talk about their respective business endeavors. That shit’s all over once Uncle Willy cranks up the paddle wheel and occult music, the boat entering some kind of nexus within time and space whereby all manner of acid-trippy shit goes down in the skies above. Not only is the ship able to withstand this madness, it comes out completely unfazed on the other side: none of its passengers are worse for wear. Now that’s a boat! Not only does it temporarily quiet and humble the whiny bitches following Wonka around, but it also succeeds in totally blowing their collective minds: well done, boat!

6. Suck My Wake, The Great Outdoors (1988)

The powerboat Roman rents in this film is the perfect aquatic embodiment of Dan Aykroyd’s character: a loud, abrasive, high-octane vehicle operating in territory ill-equipped for such a striking presence. Rightly condemning the proposal to hire a pontoon boat, Aykroyd quickly gets to work shattering the peaceful calm of John Candy’s vacation by refashioning each aspect of the trip into a twisted version of his own money-driven personality. Innocent marital coitus is transformed into 80s amateur porn, hot dogs get upgraded into lobster tails, nights out to dinner evolve into gut-busting flesh carnivals, and low-speed family cruises on the lake turn into high-speed water-skiing trials. And I, for one, feel there’s nothing wrong with that. The boat is a more-than-appropriate metaphor for the larger issue at stake: Candy’s refusal to relax and live a little. Prior to the incident with Suck My Wake, J.-Can had little to show for his trip aside from two bored sons and a sad, pathetic life. After skimming the water at what looked like fifty knots on one ski with easily 300 pounds in tow, the man almost certainly became a community God, a reputation that had to have been cemented after his victory over the ol’ 96er. Aykroyd and Suck My Wake were all that was necessary to transform an average urban father into a low-level deity, proving definitively that a boat can indeed make a man cooler. The pilot of the next boat needed no such assistance, however …

5. Q-Boat, The World Is Not Enough (1999)

Though lacking a deeper intrinsic purpose than some of the ships on this list, James Bond’s Q-Boat is unavoidably cool, and the pinnacle of gadget-boat technology. Chasing down some bitch knee-deep in some international espionage shit, Bond catches sight of her hopping on a Sunseeker that’s tearing ass down the Thames. Not to be outdone by some broad with twin-mounted machine guns on her ride, Bond commandeers one of Q’s ships from MI6 and gives chase in a mini-boat equipped with a max speed at around 80 mph, heat-seeking torpedoes, digital readouts, and submersible capabilities. Yeah, this boat just made anything you’ve ever put to sea look like Tom Hanks’ raft from “Cast Away.” Unstoppable little bastard that it is, the Q-Boat catches sick air as well as gets a bunch of stuffy socialites wet as it pursues the villain, catching up to ‘Cigar Girl’ at the base of a giant hot air balloon. Points are deducted because the intended target got away at the end of the chase, and by “got away” I mean she killed herself rather than be taken alive. Because the boat failed in its intended purpose, it does not achieve the ranks of, say, the top three. However, stocked with an undeniably awesome complement of dangerous toys, bitching features, and righteous top speeds, the Q-Boat earns a spot, setting a fairly high bar for all Bond boats to come.

4. Belafonte, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou (2004)

Not only is the Belafonte a boat with bells and whistles to spare, but it is the perfect metaphor for a larger dynamic at play in this film, and for the world Wes Anderson’s meticulously constructed throughout his career. First things first, however: talk about a ship that has every conceivable amenity locked down to near-perfection! Sure, Goldblum’s yacht and research sea-lab are arguably better as it concerns the technology involved, but Zissou’s ship is the one that gets the screen-time explanation, hence the world will never know if Hennessey’s shit was wired tighter. Among other things, the Belafonte has a sauna, massage tables, helicopter and launch pad, mini-sub, editing room, dolphin storage, a safe, and a healthy side-arm complement. In the hands of a capable, if occasionally stoned, captain, the vessel gets its crew through a whole host of traumas including a shark attack, maritime theft mission, pirate raid, and documentary film. Also, much like Wes Anderson’s rich and textured universe, the ship exists as a slightly-skewed safe haven from reality: that place where the real world collides with the fantastic, and the fantastic stands triumphant at the end of the day. All of Mr. Anderson’s films operate in the same fashion, offering an improbable set of characters in the audience’s actual world, where eccentricities collide against well-worn expectation. Like the Belafonte, the characters in this film as well as those in “Rushmore,” “Tenenbaums,” “Bottle Rocket,” and “Darjeeling” run head-long into the real world (our world), yet transcend the bounds none of us ever will, and find the insight and peace we can only taste via observation. This ship, like the fantasy of life we engage in when we watch Wes Anderson’s pictures, can never be capsized or overcome, the safety it provides both a shield and weapon to combat the incursions of a world fighting against the wonderfully absurd.

3. Molly Aida, Fitzcarraldo (1982)

I’ve said on many occasions that while I appreciate historical accuracy in a motion picture, I do not feel it is a requisite component when crafting an awesome period piece. Werner Herzog, the magnificent bastard that he is, heard something about the factual Peruvian rubber baron Carlos Fitzcarrald taking a ship into a remote part of the jungle during the early 20th century, and figured the real story wasn’t quite cool enough. Assuming that a deeper, metaphorical take on the story allowed for a more complex and emotional narrative, Herzog discarded the practical, factual element of the tale and turned it into a laborious shoot more grueling than the original historical endeavor. While the real Carlos just took his steamer apart and hiked it over an isthmus to the other side for reassembly, Herzog thought it far more dramatic and manly to physically winch an actual (not prop or scale model) 320-ton mass of steel and iron over a very real mountain. Of course the director felt special effects cheapened the experience, thus the audience watches genuine, non-staged scenes of a real steamboat getting hauled over a very real mountain by people holding very real death lusts for the maniacal Herzog. This ship gets props here for its audacity, for not only is the vessel an actual, serviceable ship that did indeed swim for a number of its own shots, but it blew its historical predecessor out of the water (pun totally intended). Fitzcarrald’s ship was in the neighborhood of 30 tons, almost 300 tons smaller than Herzog’s boat, and the crazy Dane didn’t even take his shit apart to get from A to B! Any movie that sports a vessel that can out-awesome its historical predecessor, and do so in a manner that leaves all the smoke and mirrors at home: that’s a ship worth recognizing.

2. Nautilus, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (1954)

This thing’s rocking a pipe organ, viewing window, electrical defense force-field, and a god-damned nuclear engine in a film that was made in 1954, one year before the U.S. put its first glowing sub in the water (coincidentally named the USS Nautilus, SSN-571). For a film released by Disney right in the armpit of Eisenhower’s conformity utopia, the picture uses the boat and its crew to throw around some fairly serious messages regarding political dissention. To hell with The Black Pearl: this was Disney’s crowning aquatic contribution. Captain Nemo’s crew is obedient to their master, a captain that delights in the murder of other rival sailors in the name of preventing a greater evil in the days to come. True, most remember the ship’s epic struggle with a giant squid, one which by all accounts has to go in the boat’s favor as it was still standing at the end of the day, but take a closer look at the man-to-man fights in this picture. Nemo is not officially at war or under the sanction of any sovereign nation, yet does not see this as any reason to prevent him from acting as a rogue agent of justice, dispensing the will of the righteous in a sleek underwater death-boat. He uses the ship not only to prevent an enemy nation’s vessel from delivering dangerous war-time supplies, but also to avenge the loss of his family, the whole lot of them murdered by the countrymen of his newly-vanquished foes. For a United States very recently out of the fetid shadows of McCarthy hearings and larger arguments over ends justifying means, the questions posed by a captain, his blindly obedient crew, and a “modern” ship have rarely been more profound (and difficult to properly answer).

1. Orca, Jaws (1975)

There’s never been a smaller boat for so big a job than that which was presented to Quint’s craft in “Jaws.” True to its name and the beast’s reputation as the only natural aggressor to the mighty Great White, the Orca takes absolutely no shit from the 25 ft. leviathan stalking its perimeter, going head to head with the demonic beast during every step of their timeless battle. Though Brody quipped that, yes, maybe a bigger boat would be appropriate to slay a fish roughly the same length as their vessel’s hull, the guy was by his own admission a land-loving scaredy-cat, and didn’t understand the basic human truth surrounding a man’s need to conquer that which has transgressed the traditional natural order. When one of God’s beasts steps to you, and starts encroaching upon humanity’s domain, a man needs to stand up, draw nails over a chalk-board, grab the attention of the checkbooks in town, and get to fucking work putting the world right again. The Orca’s quest to smite a shark who’d transitioned out of the larger cosmic order was a fight not only to ensure man’s proper place atop the food chain, but to reclaim the most sacred of human traditions: killing those things which frighten you. Our fathers and theirs before them and so on before that, all understood that if an animal has the capacity to kill a person and is doing so on a fairly regular basis, the best thing for all involved is to put the uppity creature out of its misery. Like Ahab and his Pequod, Quint knew that such an epic struggle could end with only the beast or the man avenging their destiny at the bottom of the drink, and it’s the Orca that ultimately facilitated the chief getting the job done in the end. Unlike the Moby Dick’s ambiguous end, there can be no mistake that with her final moment above the drink’s lip, the Orca helped blow that shark cocksucker straight back to hell, propelling man back into his proper, well-deserved place atop the world (until the sequel).

Tags: aquatic, best, films, list, movie, sea, ships, ten, Top 10 Boats in Film, Top 10 Coolest Boats in Movie History, Top 10 Lists

It’s a timely week to be writing this because after this past weekend’s domestic box office take, we have a new number-one movie on this list. Comedies are not usually as big a box office draw as an action/adventure or superhero/fantasy film, but due to a minimal amount of money spent on casting, sets and costumes, and usually no special effects, they are one of the most affordable risks for a studio. However, an R-rating severely limits mainstream potential. The films on this list are rare beasts indeed. They all rode some sort of cultural wave to become the top-grossing R-rated comedies in America. If you have a list you’d like to contribute to Top 10 Tuesday, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com.

10. Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (2006) - $128,505,958

Sacha Baron Cohen’s first reality-based prank movie debuted on only 837 screens in 2006, but grossed a wholly unexpected $26.5 million. “Da Ali G Show” was a mild hit on HBO, but it had a huge buzz and people were talking about this movie. Uninitiated moviegoers were intrigued by these strange ads and TV appearances by Cohen in character as Borat. Many people, in a funny parallel with “The Blair Witch Project,” thought this Borat guy was for real. The mix of real situations and a fictional plot made it hard for audiences to tell what was “real” and what wasn’t. They told their friends, and “Borat” did something few movies do. It grossed more in its second weekend. Expanding to 2,566 theaters, “Borat” made $28.3 million in its second week. “Brüno” opened this weekend with a bigger “30.4” million, but it was on 3,400 screens and—even though its material is more outrageous than “Borat”—it suffers from feeling a little too familiar following the groundbreaking status of its predecessor.

9. National Lampoon’s Animal House (1978) - $141,600,000

Besides entering the words “toga party” and “food fight” into the popular lexicon, “Animal House” also one of the most profitable movies of all time. This John Landis-directed comedy featured John Belushi (from the still-new late night “Saturday Night Live”), Donald Sutherland, and a cast of then-unknowns (including Kevin Bacon, Karen Allen, Thomas Hulce, and Tim Matheson). It only cost $2.7 million to make, and $50,000 of that was spent on Sutherland alone. (He was actually offered a lower salary at one point and percentage points, which he turned down—assuming the film would go nowhere—and costing him millions of dollars.) This was released back in a time when there were fewer prints and they remained in theaters for a longer time, making it the most impressive box office run on the list. Its opening weekend? A mere $276,538 in 12 theaters. Regardless, it ended up being the third biggest movie of 1978 and stayed in theaters even longer than that.

8. American Pie 2 (2001) - $145,103,595

1999’s “American Pie” was credited with bringing the R-rated teen comedy (a genre popularized by “Animal House”) back into vogue. Ads showing star Jason Biggs putting his—ahem—member into a warm pie were enough to stir curiosity and good reviews earned the movie positive word of mouth. While its sequel wasn’t so lucky in that area, “American Pie 2” falls into the category of films that benefitted from their predecessor greatly. The first “American Pie” was a $102,000 smash, but it only opened at $18 million. Two months later, it was still earning a million a week. The 2001 sequel scored a huge opening weekend of $45 million off of the first movie’s good name, but posted a bigger drop-off. Two months later, it was earning only $300,000.

7. Knocked Up (2007) - $148,768,917

The same might be said about Judd Apatow’s follow-up to “The 40-Year-Old Virgin,” an unexpected 2005 smash that launched the career of then-unknown Steve Carell. The posters for “Knocked Up” even featured Seth Rogen with a nerdy look—similar to Carell’s “Virgin” poster—and the tagline “What if this guy got you pregnant?” The difference between “Knocked Up” and American Pie 2,” however, was lots of critical acclaim and great audience response. It made several critics’ best-of-2007 lists (including the AFI Top 10, and lists from the New York Times, Newsweek, Entertainment Weekly, The Onion’s AV Club, Associated Press, Rolling Stone, and mine(!)). Like Carell before him, it made Rogen (a supporting player in “Virgin”) a star and began the onslaught of Apatow Frat Pack ‘Junior Varsity’ player movies—a stupid term used to denote anything starring, written by, or produced by Apatow or his friends. “Knocked Up” spent eight weeks in the box office top 10, the longest streak amongst May-June openers in 2007.

6. Sex and the City (2008) - $152,647,258

Really? Wow. Who woulda thunk it? Never underestimate the power of women. The magnitude of this 6-season HBO show spinoff’s box office take can only be described one way: Women like raunchy movies too, especially when they’re told from a woman’s perspective. The film was set three years after the series finale, and like “American Pie 2,” it benefitted from a huge opening weekend ($57 million), due mostly to a built-in audience from the popular show. Despite middling reviews, “Sex and the City” recorded the biggest opening ever for an R-rated comedy and for a romantic comedy. You know what this means: All four actresses (Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Cattrall, Cynthia Nixon, and Kristin Davis), as well as writer-director Michael Patrick King, are set to return for “Sex and the City 2,” due in theaters May 28, 2010.

5. Scary Movie (2000) - $157,019,771

This Keenan Ivory Wayans-directed parody film struck a chord with viewers who had been big fans of the late 90’s rebirth of teen horror flicks—due mainly to the “Scream” trilogy that began in 1996. It was co-written by, and starred, his brothers Shawn and Marlon and it also launched the career of current go-to funnygirl Anna Faris. Unfortunately, it also launched the careers of low-budget parody hacks Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, who wrote and directed “Date Movie,” “Epic Movie,” “Meet the Spartans,” and “Disaster Movie” (which all also star the equally talented Carmen Electra and are hugely profitable affairs). The first “Scary Movie,” however, was actually very funny—a raunchy, no-holds-barred spoof that was also smart enough to make fun of non-horror flicks like “The Usual Suspects” and “The Matrix.” In addition to the Friedberg/Seltzer movies, “Scary Movie” spawned three sequels of diminishing returns, with David Zucker (“The Naked Gun,” “Airplane!”) taking over for Ivory Wayans in 2003 on “Scary Movie 3.”

4. Pretty Woman (1990) - $178,406,268

Is it weird to have never seen the movie that catapulted Julia Roberts into the spotlight? I missed out on this little $14 million romantic comedy in the theaters and by the time it turned into this big deal, I wasn’t really interested. Richard Gere was the name star at the time, but Roberts went on to become one of the most bankable stars of the 90s following the success of “Pretty Woman.” She even won a Golden Globe and was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Actress (losing to Kathy Bates in “Misery”) for her star-making turn. “Pretty Woman” was initially intended to be a dark drama about prostitution in Los Angeles called “Three-Thousand,” but was reconceptualized somewhere along the line by screenwriter J.F. Lawton as a romantic comedy. Maybe if it would have stayed a drama Roberts would have had a better chance at that Oscar. Ha!

3. There’s Something About Mary (1998) - $176,484,651

First: The stats. By combining over-the-top gross-out humor with a dash of romantic comedy, the Farrelly brothers struck paydirt and made Ben Stiller a bankable comedy star. This movie absolutely exemplifies a word-of-mouth success. It opened in July, but didn’t hit the number-one spot on the box office chart until its eighth week of wide release in September! Second: The sad personal story. This movie cost me a chance at $250,000. Click here to read the story of how I lost an easy, easy question about “Mary” on VH1’s “World Series of Pop Culture.” (Hint: It involves me not answering the words “hair gel” correctly and an explicit second-by-second recounting of the thoughts in my head at that moment.) Third, an epilogue to this tragedy: I moved last year and discovered something awful in the bottom of a box—an official “There’s Something About Mary” promo item. What could it have been? You guessed it. It was a packet of hair gel with the movie logo plastered all over it. If only I had unpacked since the last time I moved. So lame.

2. Wedding Crashers (2005) - $209,255,921

Sure, it followed the success of “American Pie,” but the record-breaking gross of “Wedding Crashers” was only just eclipsed this past weekend, which is pretty amazing. Over $200 million for an R-rated comedy was unheard of. The high-concept “Wedding Crashers” really paved the way for “The 40-Year-Old Virgin” and lots of modern comedies’ willingness to “go there.” The movie feels about a half hour too long, but features a winning combination of raunchy sex humor and sweetness, anchored by Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn’s natural rapport. This movie also waited for a while—three weeks—to hit number one at the box office. It was held back by Tim Burton’s “Charlie and the Chocolate factory,” which would gross a little more than half as much by the end of its run. This was one of the first movies Scene-Stealers.com reviewed, as evidenced by the clip we used in our Scene-Stealers trailer/parody of KISS’ “Lick it Up” video.

1. The Hangover (2009) - $222,442,000 (as of July 13,2009)

Here it is, folks—your new number-one R-rated comedy champ. Todd Phillips’ sloppy-but-funny “The Hangover” follows the same pattern as a lot of movies on this list: It combines raunchy, male-oriented humor with a cast of on-the-cusp stars and an easy-to-describe high concept. (“Oh, did you see the movie about the guys who wake up in Vegas with after a bachelor party and they’ve lost the groom?” It’s just like: “Did you see the movie about the 40-year-old virgin?” or “Did you see the movie about the guys who crash weddings to get unattached chicks?”) One big difference is that its producers saw its impending success before it was even released, ordering a sequel, which is already in the works. It remains to be seen whether Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, and Zach Galifianakis are able to capitalize on their newfound fame like Carell or Rogen or Stiller did, but right now let’s just marvel that a movie as dirty as this IS the mainstream. “Brüno” certainly pushed the raunch factor further this week, but Cohen’s movie is too confrontational to be a $200 million hit. In the end, “The Hangover” has that “Wedding Crashers” sweetness, which gives it a much wider audience potential. It has only been out for 6 weeks, and last weekend’s $9 million take proves that it’s still got some legs.

Tags: 10, adult, best, biggest, comedies, dirty, funny, gross, grossing, highest, Highest Grossing R-Rated Comedies, list, rated, rated-r, raunchy, restricted, ten, top, Top 10 Lists, top ten

Having just come from a screening of “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen,” I can safely say that the giant talking robots on display in the movie are so extremely badass from every standpoint—including sheer volume—that they have to be near the top of any list of the Top 10 Coolest Movie Robots. Here’s a look back at some of the other more memorable robots in cinematic history.

10. Mechagodzilla from “Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla” (1974)

The simian-like aliens of the Third Planet from the Black Hole (that’s a mouthful) created Mechagodzilla to kill the real Godzilla, but the giant robot’s identity wasn’t revealed until later in the film when its “skin” is burned off in battle. (Strangely, it somehow lost a lot of mobility right around that same time—go figure!) Originally released in the U.S. as “Godzilla vs. the Bionic Monster” in 1977, its name was soon changed again to “Godzilla vs. the Cosmic Monster” to avoid similarities with U.S. TV shows “The Bionic Woman” and “The Six Million Dollar Man.” Eventually, however, Mechagodzilla got its due and became a part of the title (around the time that I used to run home from grade school to catch the movie on TV during “Monster Week”). He was rebuilt for “Terror of Mechagodzilla” a year later and would reappear several times in different incarnations in other Japanese kaiju flicks and videogames.

9. David from “A.I.: Artificial Intelligence” (2001)

I’m still a big proponent of this misunderstood Spielberg-by-way-of-Kubrick sci-fi film set in a future full of “mechas,” and Haley Joel Osment’s portrayal of the creepy/sad robot boy David is one of the reasons I like it so much. Osment is devastating as the little android that just wants to love and be loved and injects the movie with so much pathos that it’s impossible not to feel sorry for the little guy. More robots: Jude Law is also devilishly fun as a pleasurebot gigolo for the ladies, and Teddy is an animatronic/CGI concoction of a little boy’s talking teddy bear. Still, for actual painfully uncomfortable moments, no one can beat David and his innocent, unblinking, empty gaze. The image of him sitting at the bottom of the ocean for millennia still haunts me to this day.

8. Robby the Robot from “Forbidden Planet” (1956)

I finally got around to seeing this sci-fi classic recently and I have to say: I was mighty impressed. The enduring iconic image from the film is certainly Robby the Robot, who has the unusual distinction of having crossed over into large numbers of TV shows and other movies such as “Lost in Space”, “The Twilight Zone”, “The Addams Family”, “The Love Boat”, “Columbo”, and “Mork and Mindy.” At 6 ft. 11 inches, Robby was tall, but it was obviously a guy in a suit with the mobility of a tree trunk. Although the name Robby (spelled “Robbie”) was taken from the Isaac Asimov book “I, Robot,” in the 2004 Will Smith movie, the robot’s name was changed to Sonny.

7. The Giant from “The Iron Giant” (1999)

Vin Diesel’s best role ever was as the voice of this 50-foot, metal-eating robot that’s befriended by a 9-year-old kid in 1957. It’s the Cold War and the military is on the hunt for the crash-landed robot, but the boy hides the giant and is somehow able to curb the robot’s destructive tendencies. Brad Bird (“The Incredibles,” Ratatouille”) adapted and directed this 2D animated film just as computer animation was beginning to dominate the market, so it’s a film that seems like more of a relic than it really is. The storytelling is as top-notch as anything Pixar has produced and it deserves your attention immediately if you haven’t seen it.

6. Wall-E from “Wall-E” (2008) and Johnny Five from “Short Circuit” (1986)

Yeah, yeah, I know. I’m cheating by including these both in the same entry. But look at the photo—Wall-E is so familiar a face these days that you probably thought that might have been him there on the right. Nope. Sorry, it’s Johnny Number 5 from the cheesy Ally Sheedy comedy “Short Circuit.” Like “The Iron Giant,” herky-jerky Johnny eventually learns what it means to be human. Wall-E, on the other hand, is a wonder of technical achievement for all its animators, as photorealistic as animation gets these days. He doesn’t have to grapple with a desire to be human because he’s already in love (with Eve, an exquisitely designed robot who looks like a sort of glowing, oblong iPod. The geniuses at Pixar imbue Wall-E with so many human-like traits, it’s hard to remember he’s a machine in the first place.

5. Gort from “The Day the Earth Stood Still” (1951)

Gort could destroy Earth if he wanted to. The 8ft. tall robot stands motionless in front of his flying saucer, but shows his power when he disintegrates the U.S. military’s weapons with la laser beam from his visor on the lawn in President’s Park. His space buddy Klaatu explains kindly that mankind’s penchant for violence might get the entire Earth “eliminated” if they’re not careful. Gort stands there for the entire film, serving as a grim reminder that we’re not the bad-asses we think we are and he could drop us at any second. We don’t talk about the confused 2008 remake.

4. T-800 from “The Terminator” (1984)

This was a tough one because as good as Arnold Schwarzenegger is as the T-800 Terminator in James Cameron’s low-budget sci-fi/horror flick, Robert Patrick’s steely shape-shifting T-1000 from the 1991 sequel was pretty amazing as well. I’m sticking with Arnie though, because this role may have suited his acting skills better than any other part he’s had. Nobody had ever done an unfeeling, unstoppable killing machine quite like this before, and frankly, his tenacity was chilling. Things softened up a bit for the T-800 when he came back as a good guy (boo!), but few villains are as menacing as this muscle-bound cyborg with an Austrian accent.

3. The Maschinenmensch from Metropolis (1927)

Fritz Lang’s hugely influential dystopian-future silent film cost something like 7 million marks, which would be about $200 million today. The curvaceous metallic maschinenmensch is an iconic and somewhat controversial figure, having been made in the image of a woman to tempt men to their doom. Eventually, the robot gets the face of young Maria (Brigitte Helm) and it goads the mistreated underground workers into rebellion before they turn on her and burn her at the stake. “Metropolis” is a visually stunning film from a special effects and art design perspective (beautiful Art Deco buildings everywhere), yet the female robot remains its most identifiable image.

2. Robocop from “Robocop” (1987)

Paul Verhoeven’s dark, funny, and violent send-up of American greed and the media features Paul Weller as a do-gooder family-man cop who is tortured and killed by street thugs in Detroit. That is, until an evil corporation rebuilds the man as mostly machine, complete with infrared vision and a holster within his leg. Then something unexpected happens: Robocop starts having flashbacks to his human life and starts remembering who he was. Just as machines were replacing jobs in the Motor City, along came this scary film—an unexpected R-rated hit—which has an acid tongue and a hardcore emotional pull as well. He also kicked the crap out of the monstrous ED209, which was really, really cool. “The Wrestler” director Darren Aronofsky is currently working on a remake and I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt because he must know something about the new project that we don’t…

1. R2-D2/C-3PO from “Star Wars” trilogy (1977-1983)

I’m so alienated from this franchise right now (thanks to the last three films) that I almost didn’t put 3PO and R2 on this list. But when it comes right down to it, the Abbott and Costello of robot sidekicks are as American as Mom’s homemade apple pie (despite Anthony Daniels’ fey British accent). How could I avoid it? When I was a kid, I remember eating C-3PO cereal, for chrissakes. C-3PO is a protocol droid and is fluent in “over six million forms of communication,” which means that he’s a handy device to have around for any screenwriter stuck in a tough spot. He also makes for a welcome respite from too much dead-serious Jedi-speak. And honestly, R2-D2 (Kenny Baker) is a better defined character—with all his whirs and bleeps serving as dialogue—than half of the people I’ve seen in this year’s summer movies.

Tags: 10, androids, best, cinema, cyborgs, film, list, movie, movie robots, robots, ten, top, Top 10 Coolest Movie Robots, Top 10 Lists, top ten

Today’s Top 10 comes from New Jersey resident Phil Fava, a longtime Scene-Stealers sitegoer, and it’s perfectly timed. He’s writing about a filmmaker who is so prolific that he has both canonized masterpieces (”Annie Hall,” “Manhattan,” “Crimes and Misdemeanors”) and Academy Award winners (”Bullets Over Broadway,” “Hannah and Her Sisters,” “Mighty Aphrodite”) littered throughout his filmography. And then there’s everything else. This is a great list of some movies that mostly fall into that last category, at least accorsing to Phil’s general-consensus-o-meter.  If you have a list of your own you’d like to contribute, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Phil:

As I eagerly await the release of Woody Allen’s newest film, “Whatever Works” (starring Larry David and opening this weekend in LA and NY), I can’t help but get all enthusiastic again about my favorite filmmaker. And nothing gets me riled up more than a game of Woody Allen apologetics, in which I defend the genius against allegations of sexual misconduct and artistic deficiency. It’s an easy job, to be frank. So, why not instigate the game myself? Here is a list of the top 10 most underrated Woody Allen films in the world according to me.

10. “Melinda and Melinda” (2004)

Four people meet for dinner in a Manhattan restaurant and debate the intrinsic nature of the universe. Two playwrights, one of whom is played by Wallace Shawn, are at the center of the dispute, and each takes the same scenario and spins it into a story of their own; one is comedic and the other is dramatic. And there’s “Melinda and Melinda,” starring Radha Mitchell and Will Ferrell among others, as the characters in the stories being told. The set-up device is simple and takes a back seat to the two stories which are told in turns. At the very least, the film is worth watching to see Will Ferrell in the comedic thread as the Woody Allen prototype. It’s a really funny performance in and of itself, and the dialogue is so vintage Woody that coming from a stammering, nebbish Will Ferrell makes it ten times funnier. The dramatic storyline is what you’d expect from Allen, who can write dysfunction without blinking. All in all, it’s a solid piece of work. There’s nothing groundbreaking here but most of it works really well. And Will Ferrell in the Woody Allen role? Come on. Where else can you hear Will Ferrell deliver a line like, “Yeah, but if you’re somebody who’s nobody, it’s no fun to be around anybody who’s everybody”?

9. “Manhattan Murder Mystery” (1993)

Other than a brief appearance in “Radio Days,” Diane Keaton hadn’t set foot on the set of a Woody Allen film for 14 years when they were reunited on screen in “Manhattan Murder Mystery.” In view of the scandal with Mia Farrow and Soon Yi Previn from the previous year, Keaton suddenly became Allen’s choice for top female billing in his next film. It worked out for the best, though. I’d go so far as to say that this pairing of actors was worth the protracted custody battle and media scrutiny exacted upon Woody and Mia! I mean, it yielded this film, which is as funny as anything Allen has done. It also reunited him with Alan Alda, who could not have been better in “Crimes and Misdemeanors.” Anjelica Huston? Well, to tell you the truth, her work in the aforementioned “Crimes” was one of the only things in the film about which I wasn’t insanely happy. But she’s a lot better in this. She’s less melodramatic and the fast-paced dialogue she and the other three leads have to deliver is pretty terrific. When all’s said and done, Woody Allen does dialogue. The mystery plot doesn’t really matter, and there’s only about as much overall tension worked up in this outing as any award show. In other words, the stakes here are not life and death. And, if they are, they’re not played that way.

8. “A Midsummer Night’s Sex Comedy” (1982)

If “Sleeper,” “Love and Death,” and “Manhattan” were able to conceive a child, “A Midsummer Night’s Sex Comedy” would be their cinematic offspring. I like to think of this film as Woody’s throwback to his movies of yesteryear made with the skills he acquired as a filmmaker after directing films such as “Annie Hall” and “Interiors.” It’s a lighthearted romantic comedy, for sure, but it has a setting, supernatural elements, and a screwball sensibility that place it alongside his earlier works. And you know what? It’s the best of them. He was still young enough to be a believable love interest of his female costars and yet experienced enough to craft a fully successful, competent film of this nature. Involving the romantic entanglements of a cast of characters including Mia Farrow, Tony Roberts, and José Ferrer, the film takes place over the course of a weekend at a summer home in upstate New York owned by Andrew (Allen) and Adrian (Mary Steenburgen). It’s a lot better than his early fare and it’s nice to see Woody not doing all of the comedic heavy lifting as a member of an ensemble cast. The rivalry between Ferrer and Roberts is great, and the screwball stuff works better than it ever did in “Sleeper.”

7. “September” (1987)

Can Woody Allen set an aesthetic tone for his films or what? “September,” his golden-hued follow up to “Hannah and Her Sisters,” touches on a few of the same issues as its predecessor but with a different tone, setting, and with a complete absence of comedy. It’s a dramatic, serious meditation on unrequited love and broken parent/child relationships taking place over the course of a few days in yet another summer home. Farrow and her best friend (played by Dianne Wiest) are two parts of a love quartet including two of Farrow’s neighbors, Sam Waterston and Denholm Elliott. Staying the summer with Mia, in addition to Wiest, is her mother (Elaine Stritch) and her retired physicist boyfriend (Jack Warden), the latter of whom engages Waterston’s Peter in a discussion of cosmic indifference and evolutionary randomness by candlelight after a storm shuts off their electricity. The performances are excellent across the board and function especially well within the isolation of the picture. There’s a vibe of loneliness in the movie and I can’t remember a single scene taking place outdoors. The aesthetic I previously mentioned is very conspicuous; the interior of the house really has an omnipresent golden hue. It’s such a solid, functional drama with great performances–mostly filmed in long, unbroken shots like so many of Allen’s works–that it deserves much more than to be shrugged off as it has. The set up is basically a theater exercise, but the delivery and payoff are totally redeeming.

6. “Everyone Says I Love You” (1996)

I’ll say it right off the bat: I don’t like musicals. Who does, though, to be honest? Other than the great films that seem to be musicals incidentally (“The Wizard of Oz,” “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”) and the few good pure musicals (“Singin’ in the Rain”), they’re not something I go for. They’re mostly phony, uninspired and, while I’m not that much of a cynic, far too saccharine for my taste. The whole “Let’s sing about what we’re doing, feeling, thinking, and what’s happening next” thing is really disruptive. But Woody Allen tackling the genre? I’m so in. “Everyone Says I Love You,” starring Edward Norton and Drew Bayymore, is a terrific entry in the vast, multifarious catalog of Allen films. It’s a classic Woody Allen romantic comedy with elaborate, wonderfully executed musical numbers almost peppered in. The great thing about this musical is that the songs were pre-existing and, as such, don’t do much more than vaguely indicate character’s emotions. They don’t telegraph the plot. They don’t serve as lame exposition. They’re just great pieces of music performed by many different actors in equally adept performances. Watch out for a young Natalie Portman!

5. “Zelig” (1983)

When one thinks of the seminal mockumentary of the 1980s, what comes to mind? My guess is “This Is Spinal Tap.” And that’s fine. Lots of people have a perpetual hard-on for the picture and treasure it. But I hate to break it to you, kids–the mockumentary of the 1980s just so happens to be “Zelig.” Using stock footage, staged interviews, and the kind of special effects that give meaning to the term, Allen and cinematographer Gordon Willis put together a marvelous, inexcusably forgotten masterpiece. Yeah, I said it. The subject of the piece is the fictional character Leonard Zelig (Allen), a man whose physiology demands constant adjustments in physical appearance and personality depending on whose company he’s keeping. For instance, when he’s around a doctor, he looks and acts like a doctor. And on it goes. It’s an astonishing technical achievement and is due a greatly heightened degree of appreciation. While some people’s mockumentary needs are met by “Spinal Tap” and the slew of subsequent Christopher Guest productions, we know what the real deal is. I do, anyway.

4. “Anything Else” (2003)

What an unjustly maligned movie this is! The basic argument of its detractors concerns its vague similarities to “Annie Hall” (which they fail to realize are similarities to all Woody Allen films) and their contention that Jason Biggs’ performance as Jerry Falk is a mere impersonation of Woody. Well, as someone who’s seen all three “American Pie” movies, I can tell you that Jason Biggs is not doing an impersonation of anyone. He’s been a stuttering, awkward, insecure neurotic since he stuck his dick in a pie in 1999. The difference here is that Woody’s dialogue has intellectual content and a level of sophistication in its humor slightly above that of dessert copulation. But this isn’t about “American Pie”; this is about “Anything Else.” And you know what? It’s a great movie. Christina Ricci is hyper-neurotic and unforgivably sexy as Jerry’s girlfriend Amanda, and Stockard Channing is pitch perfect as her mother. Her escapades with a coke-snorting horse whisperer are particularly entertaining. Woody, too, puts in the kind of performance as Biggs’ slightly deranged mentor that puts himself to shame in 2006’s “Scoop,” a movie that gets a deserved bad rap. While it is a pure romantic comedy at heart, much of the interaction between Allen and Biggs is darker and concerns the kind of deeper existential issues prodded in most of Allen’s films. Leave it to Woody to use a struggling relationship as a springboard for the meaning of existence.

3. “Deconstructing Harry” (1997)

I’m going to submit that this is the funniest Woody Allen movie, period. And it’s not funny in that very specific, highbrow, Woody Allen-kind-of-way. It’s funny on its own terms. It’s the product of an old master’s attempts to fulfill the comedic needs of a younger generation, and the results speak for themselves. Allen plays Harry Block, an author suffering writer’s block (not so subtle) who’s been invited to an honorary ceremony at the college that expelled him years before. Much could be said of the film’s apparent autobiographical content signified by its many failed relationships due to infidelity and betrayal and so on. But there are deeper truths here than those merely reflected in the director’s life. The humor here is so vulgar at times that it’s hard to believe Woody Allen was behind the lens, but that’s what makes it so effective. It is a perfect synergy of intellectual banter and crude sex jokes. And yet…the business about functioning better in art than in life remains intact, untarnished by the comedy. Same goes for all the insights, for that matter, which ring true en masse. I know it may seem like this entire recap/explanatory passage is about me being tickled by Woody Allen saying dirty words, but it isn’t. Had the movie been a stark drama with the same aphoristic integrity, I’d be telling the same story, here. But it isn’t. It’s really fucking funny.

2. “Husbands and Wives” (1992)

With shaky, hand-held camera work and seemingly arbitrary yet deliberately choppy editing, “Husbands and Wives” hardly holds any titles in the technical achievement branch of cinematic appreciation. But this artistic choice (it doesn’t sound any less pretentious when read aloud) happens to serve the film extremely well. It also makes a lot of sense, since it’s basically a totally sincere mockumentary not being played for laughs that uses voice-over narration and interviews with the characters. Those technicalities of production aside, the performances here are really terrific. And I don’t just mean Judy Davis’, whose turn as the cold, rigid intellectual Sally is hilarious. This film contains what might be Woody’s best piece of acting, period. He’s so restrained and surprisingly not neurotic, here, that I suspect his other, more high energy performances are indeed exaggerations of his personality (as he often declares). Sydney Pollack is really hilarious, too, in the most brutally honest way. The scene with him outside the party with his young, astrology-enthused aerobics instructor girlfriend is one of the funniest and most cringe-worthy I’ve seen. Another plus to this film is that you get to see a post-“Cape Fear,” pre-Scientology Juliette Lewis in a nice supporting role as the student/love interest of Woody’s character, Cliff.

1. “Stardust Memories” (1980)

This film, which came out one year after his universally lauded masterpiece, “Manhattan” (not to mention three years after his other universally-lauded masterpiece “Annie Hall”), could only really be expected to fall short. In the wake of such critical success, Woody decided to scrap any shred of easily digestible, logical narrative and make a film brimming with absurdity. While “Annie Hall” certainly had surrealistic elements to it, a clustered narrative, and presented scenes of pure imagination, it was relatively easy to follow. Alvy Singer’s constant breaking of the fourth wall had a way of keeping the fantasy sequences in check. But in “Stardust Memories,” the line between reality and fantasy is almost blurred entirely, right up to the end, with fantasy sequences taking place within larger fantasy sequences and so on. It’s definitely a film that requires repeated viewings to (almost) fully understand, but it’s so rich that each revisit is equally rewarding. Taking a cue from Fellini’s “8 ½,” “Stardust Memories” is about a disenchanted filmmaker named Sandy Bates (Allen) who has ceased to make comedies in view of human misery. He’s invited to the Jersey shore for a film festival of his past work, and during his stay, events of such humor and insight and madness and beauty take place, the cold shoulder this film has received is incalculable. From his encounter with alien life to childhood memories to a scene with his past girlfriend Dorrie (Charlotte Rampling) during which Louis Armstrong’s “Stardust” is played, the film is just alive. It has beautiful black and white cinematography by Gordon Willis and a fantastic soundtrack mostly comprised of Django Reinhardt. It’s also interesting to note that it marks the first in a series of what many perceive to be the definitive Woody Allen film, which includes jazz music and that ubiquitous credit sequence (“Annie Hall” was mostly devoid of music and “Manhattan” was 100% Gershwin). All in all, what this film lacks in straightforward storytelling and direct emotional impact, it makes up for in copious artistry and imagination.

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They say all actors want to be rock stars and vice versa. There are a select few who are able to do both, but for the most part, we don’t want musicians (especially not will.i.am in “Wolverine,” in theaters now) in our movies and we don’t want our movie stars (especially not Kevin Costner and Modern West, on tour now) on our stages. That’s why the rock star cameo is a fun and harmless little way for our favorite rockers to appear for a short time (sometimes as themselves) and disappear before they can do any real harm to the movie. Many times, the rock star cameo sounds way cooler on paper (Keith Richards as Jack Sparrow’s daddy “Pirate,” for example) or just plain fizzles out (Neil Diamond in “Saving Silverman”). This list is proof that there is a way, however, to have rock star cameos that actually … well … rock. I know I missed some, so please leave comments below! If you have an idea for a Top 10, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com.

Runners-up: The Beach Boys and Rick Neilsen (from Cheap Trick) in the Fat Boys’ “Disorderlies,” Dave Pirner (Soul Asylum) and Evan Dando (Lemonheads) in “Reality Bites,” Lemmy Kilmister (Motorhead) in “Airheads,” Dave Grohl, Meat Loaf, and Ronnie James Dio in “Tenacious D: The Pick of Destiny.”

10. Elvis Costello, “200 Cigarettes” (1999)

The ensemble movie, set in 1981 and co-starring Ben Affleck, Casey Affleck, Dave Chappelle, Courtney Love, Jay Mohr, Christina Ricci, Janeane Garofalo, Kate Hudson, and Paul Rudd (sporting the worst sideburns ever), is pretty terrible and emblematic of the Gen X formula movie (with a dash of nostaligia), which makes Elvis Costello’s cameo pretty unexpected. (Then again, he also cameoed in “Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me,” so I guess he’ll do just about anything.) Costello is the huge crush of Martha Plimpton’s character. She’s throwing a big new Year’s Bash and is worried no one will come. But come they do and all manner of drama and relationships is discussed. At the party, she eventually passes out in the kitchen and misses the arrival of her idol. At the end of the movie, the weirdest couples end of pairing off—one of them being Elvis, but not with his admirer. It should also be noted that David Johansen of the New York Dolls (and Buster Poindexter fame…ugh.) is in this movie too, although it’s not really a cameo.

9. Flea, Aimee Mann, and Jimmie Dale Gilmore, “The Big Lebowski” (1998)

“Okay. So we take ze money you haf on you, und ve calls it eefen. Ve don’t care. Ve still vant ze money, Lebowski, or ve f*** you up.” We also know the nihilists from the Coen brothers’ cult classic “The Big Lebowski.” But did you know that two of the nihilists were played by big rock stars? Nihilist #2, or Kieffer, as he’s known in the script is played by Red Hot Chili Peppers’ bassist Flea, while the girlfriend of Nihilist #3 (otherwise known as Nihilist Woman in the script) is none other than Aimee Mann. Mann’s bleach-white hair and lanky body are perfect for the role, which is way bigger than you might think. After all, she’s the one who sacrificed her toe. (That’s her on the left, and him second from right.) Country-rock singer/songwriter Jimmie Dale Gilmore is also in the film as one of Walter’s Vietnam vet bowling buddies. He’s the one Walter accuses of cheating by brandishing a gun.

8. Lance Bass, “Tropic Thunder” (2008)

OK, he’s not really a rocker, but this this cameo gets a lot of credit for just being plain creative. In 2006, the ‘N Sync’er and former teen heartthrob to millions of girls came out of the closet. Two years later, he made his second cameo in a Ben Stiller film (more on that later) when he appeared in the vicious war-movie-set Hollywood satire “Tropic Thunder.” In the movie, rapper/actor Alpa Chino (Brandon T. Jackson) seems to be hiding something under his tough veneer. He also keeps referring to someone named “Lance,” and later confesses it’s his boyfriend. I remember thinking, “Lance—like Lance Bass.” Sure enough, during the last scene of the film at the Oscar ceremony that year, Chino’s got you-know-who on his arm.

7. Twisted Sister, “Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure” (1985)

Pee-Wee (Paul Reubens) is being chased by studio security through the Warner Bros. backlot when he all of a sudden the pounding orchestral music comes to a screeching halt and we see a bushy-haired blonde dude straddling a car and trying to look tough. He’s singing something about the Devil. It’s lead singer Dee Snider with his band Twisted Sister behind him and a bunch of chicks that looked like they stepped off “The Road Warrior” set but with more make-up. They’re filming the music video for their never-a-hit single “Burn in Hell.” (Not quite as harmless as “I Wanna Rock”!) As Santa and a dazed Godzilla come around the corner chasing Pee-Wee in a big sleigh being dragged by a boat, the band disperses quickly. Pee-Wee—a loner, a rebel—remains unflappable. “How ya doin’?” he yelps joyously as he rides off. Tim Burton’s directorial debut is still the funniest movie he’s ever done. What’s that? Do I hear calls for a Pee-Wee/Burton reunion?

6. Alice Cooper, “Wayne’s World” (1992)

This cameo is a perfect example of playing against type, and it probably has something to do with a bit of an Alice Cooper re-emergence around the early nineties. Not only does he encourage the lovable metalheads to stay and hang out with him and the band, he turns out to be some kind of Milwaukee history buff. As Wayne (Mike Myers) and Garth (Dana Carvey) are wandering around backstage flashing their passes proudly to everyone they see, they run into Alice and the band. Eschewing the party-hard atmosphere of most hard rock bands, Alice engages them in a discussion of French missionaries and explorers from the late 16th century and Algonquin word origins. Curious indeed.

5. Billy Idol, “The Wedding Singer” (1998)

How many washed-up 80s rockers get to save the day in a hugely popular romantic comedy? Since Adam Sandler’s “The Wedding Singer” takes place in 1985 but was filmed in 1998, that means Billy Idol was 43 years old playing himself at 29 when he showed up on that fateful plane ride with Sandler and Drew Barrymore. Not only does Idol introduce Sandler’s win-her-back acoustic number over the airplane intercom, but he also blocks Barrymore’s Don Johnson-looking fiancée from getting anywhere near him with a sly “How you doin’ sir? Chicken or fish?” He also has the most devilish look on his face ever when one lady in first class asks, “What’s the mile-high club?” This appearance alone probably upped his nostalgic “cool” factor for a good 5 years or so.

4. David Bowie, “Zoolander”(2001)

It all gets too dangerous when male supermodels Derek Zoolander (Ben Stiller) and Hansel (Owen Wilson) decide to settle their beef on the runway at the old Members Only warehouse with a “Rocky”-like “walk-off.” There’s only one person with the fortitude and experience to judge this spur-of-the-moment meeting of the feeble minds—former glam rock king David Bowie. Bowie is a serious actor in his own right (from playing an alien in Nicolas Roeg’s “The Man Who Fell to Earth” in 1976 to playing inventor Nikola Tesla in Christopher Nolan’s 2006 thriller “The Prestige”), and he shows impeccable comic timing when he volunteers his services at a late-night party and covers the ground rules with his competitors. It should also be noted that his cameo on Ricky Gervais’ “Extras” doesn’t count because it’s a TV show, but it’s actually way funnier. Bowie improvises a song on the piano about Gervais’ “little fat man with the pug-nosed face” that has me in stitches every time I hear it.

3. Alanis Morrisette, “Dogma” (1999)

I’m not a big Alanis Morrisette fan, so when her cameo in Kevin Smith’s “Dogma” was first leaked, I was pretty poo-poo about the whole thing. When I found out that he had cast her as God, I thought—“Wow, is he trying to say something about her music?” Yikes. But this is one of those instances when you just have to trust that the director saw something that you hadn’t. I mean, he is the freaking director after all—who are we to sit here and judge before we even see the film? Since then, I try to remain pretty open about all casting news I hear. The statement—that God is a woman (or in woman form at least)—was enough. All Smith was trying to do was push our buttons, after all. What Morrissette brought to her small but ultimately HUGE role is this little-girl impish kind of playfulness that completely suited the conclusion to a pretty far-out religious adventure film that flirted with some pretty heavy subjects. Smith was right—she was perfect for the part.

2. Ozzy Osbourne, “Trick or Treat” (1986)

Way before the Prince of Darkness became a stuttering reality TV star, Ozzy was about as dangerous as you could get in heavy metal. Back in the 80s (before the Internet), his supposedly Satanic lyrics and rumors of him biting the heads off bats onstage were real enough to scare the beejezus out of younger metal fans. (After the bat actual incident, which happened just once on accident with a dead bat in Des Moines, phone calls to the Wisconsin Humane Society on the same 1982 tour warned that Osbourne would be slaughtering a goat onstage in Milwaukee.) That’s why his cameo in the backwards-masking horror flick “Trick or Treat” is so much fun. No, he’s not the possessed rock star—instead, Ozzy plays a man of the cloth. He’s shown on the TV—in the background of two separate scenes—railing against the evils of rock n’ roll pornography and the “sick people” who listen to it. In one clip, he’s passionately denouncing an album called “Do It Like A Dog.” Gene Simmons of KISS also cameos in the film as a DJ named Nuke, but it’s not nearly as funny or cool as Ozzy’s part.

1. Bruce Springsteen, “High Fidelity” (2000)

Rob Gordon (John Cusack) is obsessed with music and he can’t seem to take the next step in his adult life. In Stephen Frears’ brilliant adaptation of the novel (a book that speaks to me louder than almost any other), Rob also consistently breaks the fourth wall and speaks directly to the audience. In the book by Nick Hornby, the main character wishes he could handle his past girlfriends as well as the musician does in the Bruce Springsteen song “Bobby Jean.” In the movie, Rob has a conversation in his head out loud with the Boss, who shows up strumming a guitar in the studio, to offer some sage advice. At that point in the movie, he may be the only person that Rob will actually listen to. He lies on his pillow, looking up to the ceiling and has the conversation all by himself. “Thanks, Boss,” he says, saluting after it’s over. (Watch it at the link above. Now.)

Tags: 10, acting, best, cameo, Cameos, film, in, list, movies, musician, rock, singers, star, top, Top 10 Lists, top ten

Warren J. Cantrell is a writer based out of Seattle, WA. In his email to us, he listed his interests/likes as skydiving, boat racing, bull fighting, midget wrestling, and generally staying as extreme as possible. He described himself (seriously) as “a long-gone-daddy standing seven and a half feet tall with a chin as mighty as any on Rushmore, calves like cinder blocks, with ten feet of #*&@, and two buckets of *@#&.” (Censored for effect in the intro here, but Warren’s story is censor-free! Read on.) He is also the first Scene-Stealers sitegoer to write a Top 10 list about ONE MOVIE, a 1990 Arnold Schwarzenegger-less sequel at that. This Top 10 is also notable for its creation of the past-tense word “wad-shot.” Love it.

Here’s Warren with the Top 10 Reasons “Predator 2” Is the Best of the “Predator” Franchise:

10. Danny Glover

While many might maintain (and with little argument from the majority) that this film was but a diversification attempt at a resume which had, up to this point, disgustingly few “Alien”-themed roles: look deeper. Not only is D. Glove ripped as shit for this role (an obvious sign of Arnold-like commitment to some serious other-world ethnic cleansing) his mere presence in the film is enough to draw out the Captain from “Lethal Weapon” in a bit part as the SWAT Team Commando (check the credits, yeah, that’s Steve Kahan). In short, Danny Glover and the script were so awesome that people obviously had a line forming to the left to get in on “Predator 2”—this miracle of cinema.

9. The Setting

While a group of commandos gone missing in Central America has its charms, let’s be honest: We all wanted to see ol’ pussy-face go crazy in South Central, raising indiscriminate hell with both the bloods and crips. While the script goes a bit off-course with a curious cartel war between the Jamaicans and Columbians (ah, the 90s!), the fact remains that the possibilities were endless. What if we want to break the tension by inserting Final Jeopardy music and an old woman stalking the antagonist with a broom? No problem. What if we want to introduce a spurious car-chase scene to prep the finale? Check. What if we want to use that bad-ass trumpet music to underscore another death, yet need an urban cemetery to set up the shot? Piece of cake. That every “Predator” movie since has not taken place in a bustling metropolis is a tragic crime.

8. Lack of Creativity

Nothing ruins a movie like a plot that’s too damn creative for its own good. In a Predator film, there’s only a few necessary ingredients—all other contributions are a threat to a perfect formula. These necessities are: a generous body count, an impeccably masculine lead, and few if any breaks in the action (which should remain human v. alien-based). That’s it. No need to earnestly delve into secondary characters or get creative with the deeper meaning or context of who is right, wrong, evil, or good (seriously, I mean, they actually teamed the Predator up WITH the hero in “Alien vs. Predator”? What the crap?). Let’s keep it simple: a badass runs afoul of an alien during an intergalactic slaughter-vacation—violence ensues. Don’t fix things that aren’t broken.

7. The Final Showdown

While Arnold gets extra points in his column for his monstrous, mud-covered, torch-in-hand battle-cry prior to the final duel in 1987’s “Predator,” D. Glove once again takes it a step further. If observed from a distance, few can argue that the finale of “Predator 2” takes its predecessor’s best intentions and accomplishments, and absolutely beats them into a fever. Arnold covered all of 100 square yards from end-to-end in his battle while the sequel takes extra advantage of roughly 40 city blocks, including a slaughterhouse (extra awesome points for that alone), and ending at last in an underground subway/hobo sanctuary. Spielberg, Scorsese, Coppola, all of the greats learned a valuable lesson from this film: If given the chance to chase an alien, use as much real-estate as possible!

6. The Subway

While already mentioned in regards to setting, this particular sequence deserves its own discussion, as there’s too much awesome to reign in with this category. Not only does this section of the film kick off the ensuing climax (pretty much the last half of the movie), it houses probably the greatest killing in film history. What do you do after you and every other armed patron of the underground-long-bus unloads all 47 dozen rounds to no effect? I’ll tell you what, you pick up a 2 ft. machete (who cares why it’s there, it is!), squint into the coming darkness, and repeat Bill Paxton’s greatest line of the film: “Come on, motherfucker! Let’s dance!” I still weep every time I watch this scene; the purity of manliness simply too much to bear.

5. Conspicuous Lack of Important Female Characters

Just because Ridley Scott and James Cameron miraculously pulled it off doesn’t mean it’s a formula for success. “Predator 2” keeps the camera and the action rooted in what invariably puts movies in the “awesome” column: Male, no-nonsense hot-heads that play by their own rules and the bloodthirsty seven-plus-ft.-tall space creatures they are chasing. Period. End of story. No sideplots about deeper emotional involvement or budding romantic chemistry. The one female character with more than two minutes of screen time is utilized as an ancillary plot-filler to keep the audience busy while D. Glove’s crew is slowly reduced to naught. The moment her character is given even the slightest depth (we find out Maria Conchita Alonso is pregnant), she is immediately crammed into a waiting ambulance, never to be seen again. After I’m done writing this, I’m penning a note to the producers of “Predator 2” thanking them for their courage and foresight, and will forward a copy to every piece-of-shit Hollywood hack that force-feeds romantic involvement and R-to-PG-13 editing adjustments.

4. Increased Violence Levels

While credit should be given where due (The first “Predator” was violent as fuck), “Predator 2” takes murder, mutilation, and torture to new heights. The assault on the prison camp at the beginning of “Predator” certainly deserves a nod for a sustained orgy of automatic gunfire and death, yet like so many to have come before and since, the movie finds itself wad-shot and out of spooge for the remainder of the picture. Sure, over 60 seconds of jungle blind-firing and a one-armed Apollo Creed spice things up later, but the body count is suspiciously low for the second half of 1987’s “Predator.” In “Predator 2,” we get an open-air police v. cartel gunfight, drug kingpin torture and mutilation, a subway holocaust, and special government ops dudes in a veritable frozen limb pile. This is all aside from the fact that D. Glove finishes the goddamned Predator off in #2 with a spinning dagger-blade-thing as opposed to letting the slimy space-cunt finish the job off itself. That each new Predator installment should incrementally increase the violence level ought to be written into the franchise contract, something this film took to heart. [Special note/evidence: “Predator 2” had to re-edit roughly 20 times to get an R rating, as it was originally slapped with an NC-17.]

3. A Promise of Good Things To Come
Never has a film said so much with so little. As many noticed in the years between “Predator 2” and the abortion that would come to fruition as “Alien Vs. Predator,” once Glover’s character is aboard the Predator’s vessel near the end of the movie, an Alien skull is visible on the trophy mantle. With this second or two of screen time, endless possibilities grew into realistic promise. And not in an amateur “the movie is over, but here’s a quick teaser clip” moment either, but with a subtle, silent image that opened up a universe of awesome sequel/prequel scenarios. It would be over a decade until this promise was ruined by an absolute shit-storm of bad leads and even worse acting. Personally, when I go to sleep at night, I like to pretend that “Predator 2” really was the last film in the franchise thus far, and that if one waits long enough, the true promise of “Alien vs. Predator” will be fulfilled.

2. The Perfect Storm of Awesome: Busey and Paxton

Let’s face it, Christmas only comes once a year, and while birthdays, the Fourth of July, and St. Patty’s provide wonderfully reliable excuses to drink and celebrate the awesomeness of awesome, the best gifts always come at the end of December. That this movie provided the union of two of the greatest forces on the planet is—to use a tired expression—the gift that keeps giving. Gary Busey and Bill Paxton in the same movie: What took so long? The inclusion of either is usually enough to elevate a mediocre movie into Oscar-contention, that this film threw two extra logs on the fire makes this one of the biggest award snubs in all of history. Academy: For shame!

1. A Moment of Honor

Who saw this coming? In the original, the villainous creature is so disgusted with the dishonor of miserable defeat, it kills itself rather than further advance humiliation. This is understandable, and worthy of a man-nod (it would be like you getting out-thought and killed by the scheming deer you were hunting, and all of your friends finding out later because the news made it large as a humorous aside on Letterman). In the glorious sequel, the Predator attempts the seppuku-like maneuver, yet can’t even get THIS right, losing an arm in the attempt. I’d like to think that it was this kind of dumb-fuckery that convinced the Predator Council at the end to spare D. Glove rather than exacting vengeance for butchering one of their own. Surely, had a puny 20th century human bushwhacked a Predator heavy, the ending would have been drastically different, our proud hero losing his skull and skin in a Hollywood minute in a reflexive act of revenge. Yet somehow the good lieutenant found the sweet spot, killing a sturdy Predator (yet obviously one not well-liked by its peers, as it seems enough respect got conveyed that the Predators understood killing a man as rock-solid as D. Glove would be a tragedy in any universe). As if signaling to the audience that a worthy installment had just entered the holy lexicon, the Predator Council lets the hero walk, even tossing a stupid human weapon/keepsake as if to state, “Good job on this one. Take this for later: You’ve earned a return visit.” Indeed D. Glove and company did. This cannot be said, however, for those who would follow.

Tags: 10, Alien, aliens, best, film, franchise, list, movie, predator, reasons, series, ten, top, Top 10 Lists, Top 10 Reasons Predator 2 Is the Best of the “Predator”, top ten, vs. predators, Worst