Our pal Warren J. Cantrell over at 10rant.com is known for his over-the-top persona. This list will no doubt be as controversial as some of his other man-tastic past Top 10s. If you have an idea for your own Top 10, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Warren:

Like a regrettable relationship, sometimes the true nature of a film only pulls into focus after a healthy dose of time and perspective. What we once enjoyed and maybe even defended against less confused peers can sometimes emerge from the time-fog as a shamefully regrettable “phase” that etches an embarrassing low-water mark for all films (or romances) to follow. As it concerns movies, any number of factors can contribute to this miscalculation, be it awesome pre-release hype, back-seat-opinion influence, and/or genre stigma. The last of these is important, for it’s easy for both those making and watching a film to get lost in a popular trend or fad that invariably gets played out and cliché after the fifty or sixtieth re-tread. It is for this reason that a movie’s ability to “stand the test of time” is such an important factor in determining its worth: perfectly executed harmonies between performances, content, and cinematic craftsmanship rare in films even to this day. Some films pulled this feat off and continue to do so even after a few decades on the shelf, and can rightfully be termed “classics,” as they dealt with themes that are a central part of the motion picture industry and the larger human experience (Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?, 12 Angry Men, Psycho, and Paratroop Command come to mind). Other films got it wrong from the get-go, yet because of nostalgic vice-grips on memories or experiences associated with the pictures, people refuse to re-think the movies with a critical 21st century eye. Yes, while many claim that the films below are indispensable members of the holy Hollywood fraternity of screen gems, I’d ask that you take a harder look at what these “classics” were saying to their audience, examining the larger messages at play, and the complete picture from a distance.

10. The Sound of Music (1965)

This movie played around with some fairly interesting components, what with the lush Austrian scenery, horny nuns, and Nazi invaders. Having obviously decided that a plot that focused on the confluence of love and war couldn’t possibly carry the weight of two whole hours, the picture turned instead to song. Yes, to fill gaps that might otherwise have been plugged by Panzer divisions making ninety miles a day and a back-alley Fascist network that was paving the way for invasion with murder, the audience got a full soundtrack of delightful family sing-alongs. Good Christ: what was going on in ’65? I mean, I know Kennedy had his head opened up a couple years earlier, and the country was generally feeling “escapist,” but why deny the people some proper WWII action when the table had pretty much already been set? Was the movie based on a pre-existing musical? Yes. Did the film have fairly serious expectations to fill as it concerned its stage predecessor? Most definitely. Does this mean a flick can’t screw around a little to make a painfully underutilized plot more interesting and dynamic, giving the audience something other than shattered expectations when the Von Trapp’s didn’t kill that greasy little cunt Rolf? Hell no! Give this movie some action that ties in to the monumentally historical events unfolding around the main characters, ditch the songs, and stick with what works: killing Nazis to escape to freedom. Speaking of freedom, we may as well mention the elephant in the room, for after this list’s posting and the beating this next movie’s about to get at my hands, Spielberg, Lucas, Coppola and the rest of the Hollywood elite will make sure I am cast into the abyss, all liberties lost to he who dares criticize…

9. Citizen Kane (1941)

Indeed, there’s a lot to like in this film, yet in a way that puts it into an entirely different category than “The Sound of Music.” Truly, the innovate narrative structure, camerawork, and audio mixing put it into that rare class of film that defines the modern cinematic experience. To call this film a classic, however, is like claiming the Army Field Manual is an indispensable pillar of American literature. Let’s just be honest: while an admittedly important movie, its story is about as interesting as a barnacle convention. Though the movie dealt with a newspaper tycoon with money to burn and the world at his feet, the plot minced through tedious reviews, and re-reviews of the rich asshole’s love life. His love life! The film could have delved into any number of strikes he brutally repressed, or more details surrounding the wars he felt like starting with his newspaper. But no! Instead, the picture took a hard left directly off the shit-cliff into a shit-gulley, setting up very pretty shots with good cuts for a film that didn’t have the story to keep a person even remotely interested. It didn’t help that the film’s characters and the situations they were involved in register on the believability scale right on par with the expected fare in a daytime soap opera. Cartoonish in their presentation, Kane, his wives, and even the butler, acted with such ham-fisted amateur-hour proficiency that a person blushes, almost feeling sorry for the film before remembering how much blind devotion it elicits. The ultimate standard for modern filmmaking techniques and the Nouvelle Vague? Perhaps. Entertaining fare with an engaging plot and realistic performances? Not on your life.

8. Singing In the Rain (1952)

Speaking of foaming-at-the-mouth devotion for no conceivable reason, this sorry excuse for a movie has to get some ink, for nothing occurs throughout this picture that a half-hour sitcom episode couldn’t tidily wrap up. Personally, I couldn’t give a damn about the struggles of a successful movie star in the 1950s, and his headaches concerning famous girlfriends and studio hassles that revolved around the next big “talkie” release. Apparently back in the 50s people stared at clothes drying and watched the leaves change colors for entertainment, hence this exciting brand of storytelling got a bit of attention. After the advent of the flamethrower, however, you’d think this kind of shit would get shelved for more interesting fare, but alas, they still made this crap. And why? So that people could learn how to deceive a popular audience via lip-synching techniques and film slight-of-hand beneath the larger guise of a breezy romantic comedy? By all means, make a love story or a movie about the mid-20th century film industry, but if it’s going to stand up as “classic” 50 years later, don’t you think some endearing truth other than “love perseveres” should stand out? This movie was helpful in the grand scheme of things, however, which is why it’s not near the top slots. Indeed, this movie is proof that in order to make a buck with a film, all a person REALLY needs to do is choreograph a fancy dancing scene and slap together a non-threatening love triangle, and the money, adulation, and “classic” status will obediently fall into line.

7. The Wizard of Oz (1939)

First off, why did we even go to Oz? Why didn’t Dorothy shack up with some lousy, good-for-nothing petty thief and borderline-masochist, going Bonnie and Clyde on the Midwest with her new beau to reclaim dog and honor? Seriously? Who gets a court order to take away a 12-year old’s dog after beating it with a rake? Setting up a great revenge thread that was woefully under-utilized, the film transitioned from there into an alternate universe where the streets were paved with gold and the only impediment to Dorothy’s total domination of the new realm was midgets and witches that immediately melted when introduced to liquids. Naïve country bumpkin that she was, Dorothy spent the rest of the movie opining about her Midwestern farm life, battling flying monkeys (which still terrify me to this day, unholy beasts that they are) and forming uneasy alliances with mutant lion, tin, and straw creatures. And for what? To get back to Kansas, where communities stood gutted by the Great Depression and dogs were taken spitefully from sweet-natured little girls? With a bucket of water and the support of the local Munchkin unions, Dorothy could have solidified a power base that would have lasted in perpetuity. Ultimately, the film was telling its audience that despite all indicators suggesting otherwise, a person should reinvest and commit to a political and economic system that was well into its eighth year of ruin. Though the movie was based on a novel with equally powerful subtext, at least the author of the book made no qualms about his metaphors and insinuations, presenting fairly obvious symbolic and thematic elements to his tale. Almost all of the book’s themes were discarded for the film, a picture that spoke volumes about the movie’s support of United States isolationist policies despite Nazi aggression in Poland, and a devastating war in China. Dorothy was the film’s presentation of U.S. policy at the time, one which refused direct intervention and global dominance, that is until the witch came across the pond, and started dropping bombs on Kansas (would have been perfect for the sequel). But by that point, everybody was willing to accept that the tale was little more than a feel-good musical about a girl, her dog, and a land called Oz that could have been Dorothy’s had she been provoked enough to take it.

6. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)

For a cartoon, this movie came with some pretty awesome assets: conspiracy, contract murder, deceit, poison, and even witchcraft. This brings us to our first problem, however. Mainly, this flick didn’t know what it wanted from itself. When you set up your story by introducing a woman looking to have the heart of an innocent young girl cut out and brought to her in a box, the first thing that comes to mind probably isn’t that you’d figure this as a sure-fire bet to capture the G-rated 5-12 year old demographic. Second, the movie gave us a comely young lass wandering into the bedroom of seven men living isolated in the middle of nowhere, providing nothing in the way of realistic resolution. And when I say “realistic resolution,” I mean “gang bang.” Come on, you really think seven dudes working like galley-slaves in the armpit of a diamond mine wouldn’t immediately turn out some tasty piece of ass that broke into their cottage and fell asleep on their beds? What are we even talking about, here? Third, where’s the revenge? Seriously! Some half-mad bitch of a stepmother puts a contract out on you and later tries to finish the job herself via poison, and a renegade bolt of lightning ultimately kills her? I take no issue with the fact that the movie is a cartoon, or even that it’s rife with extraneous musical numbers: but to set up a good character thread and abandon it so that dashing princes can arrive and NOT stab the crap out of something! Unforgiveable.

5. Breakfast at Tiffany’s (1961)

When I saw this movie, I kept waiting for the male lead to come to his senses, ditch the loopy bitch upstairs, get a cigar, and start working on making a plan come together. That Hannibal of all people had to suffer the indignity of a man checking his balls at the start of the first act makes this entire picture inexcusable. A fiendishly hot Audrey Hepburn though she may have been, she was a whore! Peppard’s character, on the other hand, was a writer with an endless train of gravy practically coming out of the tap via a rich, it-could-be-worse-looking socialite that wanted nothing more than to keep a man-slut on the side, even if that meant sharing him with other, younger, women. This guy had a gig where a woman was paying his bills and keeping him in style, allowing him to concentrate entirely on his writing while his sugar momma wasn’t even asking the guy to be exclusive. Crapping this divinely ordained arrangement down his leg so that he could chase a good-for-nothing cocktease harboring more issues than the Washington Post, the film’s lead ultimately got his prize in the end (a happy twist left out of the novel). But is that supposed to be a good thing? Wracked with guilt and anguish over her dead brother, mangled childhood, lost riches, and whore life, what kind of victory are we to assume for Hannibal and his new woman? He gave up his chance at getting some good ink time in without worry of bills or the taxman as a result of his “kept-man” status. Having thrown that away, and almost certainly in need of a real job to sustain his and the new girlfriend’s plush New York City lifestyle, what drab, sour existence can the audience expect from two people looking to accomplish little more than to keep from whoring themselves back out to high society to get by? Had the lead simply stuck it out a bit longer with the rich old broad to give him time to write and get established instead of chasing crazy high-end call girls, he might have ended up as more than the fractured shell of a man he almost certainly became.

4. Gone With the Wind (1939)

What a pain in the ass this movie is! There wasn’t a pragmatic, straight-thinking character in the whole friggin’ mess of a story: Even borderline-tough Rhett absolutely out of his mind as it concerned Scarlett. This didn’t put Clark Gable’s character into exclusive territory, however, as Ms. O’Hara was hopelessly in love with Ashley (a dude) who was already hooked up with Scarlett’s good friend Melanie. Throughout the course of the American Civil War and the subsequent reconstruction (both historical periods teeming with interesting plot possibilities) the movie looked only at the relationships of confused, hopelessly deranged maniacs, giving the audience plot twists that resembled a mediocre “Real World” episode. The whole thing played out like the narrative in a grocery store romance novel, Scarlett pining over some stupid asshole with a chick’s name while whoring herself out to whatever rich dickhead felt compelled to give the increasingly fat socialite a dick-tickle. By the time anybody came to their senses, the Civil War was over, children and parents had died, and three unrecoverable hours were gone. Though I do give some credit to Rhett for telling Scarlett to screw off at the end, it came too little too late. Had Gable’s character done this at the beginning of the film, it might instead have given the audience time to get to know the slick Reb. blockade runner and all-around bad-ass. Instead, we were forced to endure what felt like months of some incomprehensible love octagon with no real resolution except that everybody got screwed at the end. While I support so challenging a conclusion, this movie took pretty much the longest, most painful route to get to that conclusion, something the next film can certainly relate to …

3. The Searchers (1956)

There are few “classics” out there that get as much positive attention while still embracing so striking a racist pose as this legendary western. While there were certainly moments of cinematic splendor in the movie that challenged audiences in a way that forced them to re-conceptualize their filmgoing experience (Director John Ford knew how to shoot and cut a good-looking picture.), the story was horrific on multiple levels. In a reversal of the actual scenario of menace to the western plains in the mid-19th century, it’s Native Americans and not whites that were terrorizing innocents in this picture, with John Wayne’s Ethan avenging ethnic-cleansing on behalf of his people. Despite the well-documented reality of the genocide perpetrated against these people, widely known even at the time of this picture’s release, the movie embraced the idea of the Comanche’s faceless savagery as seen most clearly through their Chief Scar. This antagonist’s very name represented his people’s depiction in the film, standing in as an ugly blemish upon the divinely sanctioned American expansion west. Disregarding the safety of the very woman he was charged to rescue on several occasions to exact his revenge on Scar and his people, the Duke did what came most natural to the man: killing Injuns in the name of racial purity. Going so far as to turn his pistol on “Debbie” after learning that she’d acclimated to Comanche society, it’s only after Ethan actually scalped another human being that he realized that maybe, possibly, he might have some issues. Never apologizing for his five-plus year struggle to prevent or otherwise avenge the crime of miscegenation, Wayne’s character leaves the frame in the final shot a triumphant hero, having returned a white woman to her “people.” Say what you will about “Birth of a Nation,” at least people universally recognize that that movie was putrid in message if not in form, something that cannot so easily be said about this or the following entry …

2. Casablanca (1942)

What a pussy! That bitch leaves Rick in Paris without a word of explanation, without an apology or even a see-you-later fuck, and he takes her back? I don’t care that her husband had escaped from a Nazi concentration camp: for all I care it could have been a goddamn whale! Once a woman runs out on a man, favors immediately die. Ladies, break a guy’s heart if you want, but never do either of the following things afterwards: leave them a pen as a parting gift, and/or come back later asking favors. Ingrid Bergman’s Ilsa batted her eyes at Rick for all of a minute and in no time the guy was arranging covert transport, lying to military police, and even shooting people to cover his ex-girlfriend’s tracks. And for what? This film did immeasurable damage to men for decades to follow, the reverberations of the catastrophe felt to this day. This movie informed a generation of women that they could freely abuse, use, leave, and re-use men without worry of retribution or refusal. Because of this film, women are still of the understanding that it’s okay to toy with a man’s emotions and grind his heart into inhalable powder, that even after shattering his life and re-emerging with a new guy, that the ex will still be there because that’s what “classic” men do. Well thanks a lot, Bogey! Because of your baffling lack of backbone and the immediate collapse of your resolve, men will forever suffer at the hands of cruel, lazy, inconsiderate women who think nothing of leaving a guy, parading the new product in front of his face, and begging favors from emotionally-crippled souls. Who else needs a drink?

1. It’s a Wonderful Life (1946)

When it comes to unredeemable crocks of shit, it doesn’t get much more deceptive than Frank Capra’s most egregious assault against America, the flag, and apple pie. In his 2008 write-up, Wendell Jamieson said that “‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ is a terrifying, asphyxiating story about growing up and relinquishing your dreams,” making an excellent point about a movie that is practically on repeat every Christmas. Yes, on the holiday when people are feeling their most vulnerable to influence and sentimentality, this movie comes around like clockwork, pushing people toward a miserable existence that will not ultimately be saved by angels, faith, and the kindness of one’s community. No, in real life, the REAL world outside of Hollywood and Never-Never Land, there is no angel to stop you from taking a header off the bridge, no Dickens-esque retreat into an unseen present. For actual human beings living in the non-fiction realm, the sacrifice of ambition and one’s life’s pursuits, the seemingly endless series of compromises that extinguish the noblest aspirations of the soul: they destroy us lock, stock, and barrel. George’s dilemma before his encounter with Clarence was legitimate for a man who never realistically took stock of his life or what he truly wanted for himself. That he ended up turning on his children and spouse, emerging thereafter from a bar en route to a suicide bridge should come as no surprise to anybody who has traded the dreams of tomorrow for today’s familiar and convenient gratification. George realized on that bridge that his life had been for shit, and despite doing the technically “right” thing by staying behind and printing a sign on his back that read “doormat,” he had nothing to show for his existence than pending collections litigation, divorce, and homelessness. That this film is shown on television regularly, and on a recognized holiday that guarantees its capacity to influence children is astonishing and, unbelievably, not upsetting to nearly enough of you out there. For shame.

Tags: awful, bad, classic, classic movies that suck, classics, films, Good, movies, no, overpraised, overrated, suck, terrible, wrong

Our Top 10 list today comes from Will Dawson, whose Top 10 Worst James Bond Flicks list still generates lots of comments. J.D. and I both did a Top 10 list of that rare thing—the successful sequel—a while back (Eric’s Top 10 Best Sequels & J.D.’s Top 10 Best Sequels), and Will is looking at the other side of the coin today. We even had blogger Andrew Reed write a list of Top 10 Unfairly Maligned Sequels, in which he sticks up for one of the movies on Will’s list! If you’d like to contribute a Top 10 list of your own, send it to eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Will:

The sequel has been one of Hollywood’s most time honored inventions. However, in recent years, due to the fact that Hollywood has been running out of ideas, the sequel has come to represent a kind of dread to how bad it will be and makes people wonder “Why the hell did they make a sequel to that?” Anyway, here is a list of the 10 Worst Sequels of all time, which will make you wonder, “Why the hell did they make a sequel to that?”

10. Robocop 2 (1990)

To tell you the truth, I kind of do appreciate “Robocop 2” for its sincere camp value, and the movie is really campy. Such plot devices as Robocop talking about the merits of good hygiene, a 10-year-old drug dealer that swears like a sailor, and a little-league baseball team that rob a TV store all come to mind. However, these reasons are exactly why the movie is so bad to begin with. The first “Robocop” was an effective satire about law enforcement and what it meant to be human, while this one tries to be serious a criminal drama but ends up becoming an unintentional comedy with the clichéd message “Crime doesn’t pay…especially if you mess with Robocop.”

Cain: You Want Me?
Robocop: Dead or alive.
Cain: One of us must die.
Robocop: Alright, dead then.

9. Revenge of the Nerds 2: Nerds In Paradise (1987)

Taking off from the classic film “Revenge of the Nerds”, the writers decided to put the nerds in sunny Ft. Lauderdale, Fla., where they run into the same old enemies and engage in the same old sex-jinks. Although I do admire the producers for bringing back some of the original cast (unlike other movies on this list), the movie is a just rehash of the first one with the notable exceptions that the nerds are in “paradise” as it were, and Anthony Edwards has less of a role. Anyway, haven’t the nerds already gotten revenge in the first movie? Did they really need to get revenge in the second one? Oh well…..

Booger: Excuse me, miss. I just want you to know that I don’t intend to sleep with another woman until I’m back here in your arms with my head resting between your creamy thighs.

8. Air Bud 2: Golden Receiver (1998)

Oh man, I just wanted to write “The dog plays football!!!!!” and just get it over with, but I’ll delve into the mess that is “Air Bud 2.”. Basically Air Bud’s owner is on a football team that sucks so they enlist the help of Air Bud to play football, and it turns out Air Bud is super good at football. Beside the fact that non-humans cannot play high school football because it is against the rules, AIR BUD IS A FUCKING DOG AND HE DOESN’T HAVE FUCKING HANDS, thereby he CAN’T CATCH THE FOOTBALL!!!! And don’t give me this crap about how he catches it through his helmet with his mouth–if Air Bud was a real dog that did that in real life, the force and speed of the ball landing in Air Bud’s mouth would make Air Bud’s neck snap or break his teeth. Did I also mention that the dog plays football?

Coach: I’ll tell you one thing boys, that ain’t no golden retriever….that is a golden receiver!

7. The Matrix Reloaded (2003)

Oh man, I remember when the hype for this was so big in high school and I remember being really pissed off when I didn’t see it in theaters, but anyway I rented it on DVD and I thought “Well … that sucked.” “The Matrix Reloaded” has a lot of problems that I’ll sum up in a few details: convoluted plot, bad dialogue, over-reliance on special effects, one of the worst sex scene/montages in film history, too much techno music, too much philosophy, and too much Keanu Reeves. Especially too much Keanu Reeves.

Morpheus: Tonight, let us shake this cave!!!!

6. Jaws 2 (1978)

After the colossal success that was “Jaws,” I suppose you had to make a sequel to it, and although this movie has one of the best taglines in film history (“Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water …”), it still is one of the worst sequels of all time. The shock factor of the shark scenes have become cliché by this point and the emphasis on the film was focused on Chief Brody’s stupid brat kids who get stranded in a sailboat whilst the shark encircles them. This makes the viewer root for the shark to eat said brat kids. You also hope that the spirit of Robert Shaw as Quint the Shark Hunter is going to show up to give Brody some spiritual advice, but he does not, which leaves the viewer with this mess of a film. I guess the reason why “Jaws 2” isn’t as fairly maligned as it should be is because of the horrendous films that followed in the series: “Jaws 3-D” and “Jaws: The Revenge.”

Chief Brody: (to the shark) Alright, you big bastard! Come on! I’ve got something for ya’ now! That’s it! Attaboy, come on! Right over here!

5. The Sting II (1983)

OK, here is a list of how to make your sequel automatically suck: release your it 10 years after the first film, don’t get any of the original cast members back, and think that just because it shares a title with one of the most beloved films of all time, people will go to the theater. Well guess what? “The Sting 2” is guilty of all of these things and it sucks. In a bit of puzzling casting, Paul Newman and Robert Redford (who were perfect in the original) are replaced by Jackie Gleason and Mac Davis. Even Robert Shaw is replaced by Oliver Reed. (It appears that the producers decided to cast the next hardest-drinking actor behind Robert Shaw, who had died of drinking by that time.) Also, why would you try and sting the same person again that you did in the first one? Wouldn’t you think that the “stingee” would notice that these were the same guys who were conning him from the first movie? Unfortunately, the film still shows up on cable every now and again, so beware.

4. Highlander 2: The Quickening (1991)

Ok, so in the original “Highlander,” Connor MacLeod (Christopher Lambert) is an immortal who wins the prize of being the top immortal by cutting off the Kurgan’s head and becomes mortal and goes off and lives with his love interest. In “Highlander 2,” it turns out that the immortals are all from a distant planet that neither of them can remember and that MacLeod was not the one who won the prize and, in fact, there are other immortals about ready to fight MacLeod to win it. Combine this with bad special effects (even for the time), the fact that Sean Connery returns after his character was killed in “Highlander,” and an absurd plot line about the Ozone layer depleting (hey, at least it was prophetic), and you have “Highlander 2”: a giant colossal piece of crap. Russell Mulcahy (the first film’s director and this film’s director) walked out of the premiere and put together a new cut of the film called The Renegade Version, which basically got rid of all the elements about immortals being from space….but even The Renegade Version is still crap. This quote basically sums up the entire film:

Louise Marcus: Okay, now let me just see if I can get this straight. You come from another planet, and you’re mortal there, but you’re immortal here until you kill all the guys from there who have come here … and then you’re mortal here … unless you go back there, or some more guys from there came here, in which case you become immortal here … again.
Connor MacLeod: Something like that.

3. Blues Brothers 2000 (1998)

Ok, I’ll give Dan Aykroyd and John Landis some credit, at least they wanted to press on with the characters and take the series in a new direction, but it’s hard to do it when two of the most iconic actors in the series are dead. Seriously, this film is so unfunny that you would rather have a pineapple violently inserted up your nose then having to sit through just a minute of this movie. The sad part about this is that it appears as though Aykroyd was hoping that this would hopefully restart the series, but there’s just one problem: The Blues Brothers are not The Blues Brothers without John Belushi or Cab Calloway and trying to move on without them was a horrible mistake.

Elwood: Uh, ma’am, we’re the Blues Brothers. We do blues, rhythm & blues, jazz, funk, soul. We can handle rock, pop, country, heavy metal, fusion, hip hop, rap, Motown, operetta, show tunes. In fact, we’ve even been called upon, on occasion, to do a polka! However Caribbean is a type of music, I regret to say, which has not been, is simply not, nor will ever be a part of this band’s repertoire.

2. Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005)

The first “Deuce Bigalow” wasn’t going to rewrite film history, but at least it was mindless entertainment for an hour and 40 minutes with some good scenes. This movie, however, is terrible. The script appears to be written by a bunch of hormonally crazed 15-year-olds who don’t know anything about sex. The stereotypes are rampant and typical (woman from Chernobyl has penis for a nose, Dutch people are portrayed smoking weed, etc.), and the fact that this is a Rob Schneider movie make this film absolutely one of the worst movies I have ever seen. If you ever want your significant other to break up with you, plop this in the DVD player and watch.

Heinz Himmler: I am Heinz Hummer. I’m the gigolo with the most below. Okay? I can give you a Filthy Lopez like you never had before. I could give you a Cambodian Creamsicle… that will make you scream all night. Okay? But not now because I’m busy. So leave me alone, bitch.

1. Caddyshack 2 (1988)

Oh god, this movie is quite possibly the worst movie I’ve ever seen. Every committable offense you could make in a sequel is made: No original cast members (with the exception of Chevy Chase, who basically took the money and ran), a bad script, and the fact that none of the cast members appear to be interested at all make this film so very horrid. Jackie Mason, Robert Stack, and Dan Aykroyd are poor substitutes for Rodney Dangerfield, Ted Knight, and Bill Murray–and you know you have a problem when this movie is rated PG, and the gopher is the most compelling character. Now, excuse me while I put in the original “Caddyshack” and try and forget about “Caddyshack 2.”

Capt. Tom Everett: If I pull the arrow out, will you p-please s-suck out the poison?
Ty Webb: Let me get this straight. You pull it out, I suck. Is there any money in it for me?

Tags: 10, all-time, awful, bad, ever, film, films, list, movie, movies, sequels, ten, terrible, top, Top 10 Worst Sequels, Worst

Today’s user-submitted Top 10 comes from Ryan Magnuson, a musician and film student at Kansas University in Lawrence, KS. Ryan proves that there is more than one way to read a film, and sometimes it’s better if it’s not the way it was originally intended. If you’d like to submit your own Top 10, just email me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Ryan:

There’s usually only one way a bad movie can be entertaining. It has to be bad enough to make a person laugh. An unintentional comedy is either a comedy that is not funny (or funny in a way that’s not intended) or a film outside of the comedy genre that does not intend to be viewed as a comedy. There’s nothing funnier than seeing a film take itself too seriously. This list contains movies that unintentionally flip the genre that spawned them. In the process, they become accidental “hit” films. These films are similar in that they all reflect played-out Hollywood trends of their day. Sometimes trendy 90s social commentary is attempted and unsuccessfully conveyed. This list salvages 10 sad failures of film and gives them new life! These are the Top 10 Unintentional Comedies of the 90s.

10. Sister Act 2: Back In the Habit (1993)

This Whoopi Goldberg sequel is a true cornerstone of disasterpiece cinema. Nothing “keeps you off the streets” quite like a viewing of this accidental laugh riot. I say “accidental” because when you’re laughing, you’re not laughing with the movie—you’re laughing at it. These rag-tag group of misfits—the disadvantaged choir students in Whoopi’s class—understand that giving up is not an option. Add some “crazy” goody-goody nuns and things get hysterical! One scene gets this film in: The choir concert at the end will give you chills to the funny bone as well as head-cracking raps about God: “You down with G.O.D.? Yeah you know me! You down with G.O.D? Yeah you know me! Who’s down with G.O.D.? Everybody!” The class comes out in street clothes and their performance includes a section where two rappers come out and “crush the mic.” “Sister Act 2” is safe enough to be shown in the classroom for inspirational purposes, and the fact that its suitable for all ages means that kids have a better chance of seeing what unintentional comedy is all about early on! This hopelessly clean movie is a slam dunk—a 10 on the corny meter. The unintentional jokes just continue to roll. It almost got beat out by “Dangerous Minds,” but saved itself by having such an un-punny title.

9. A Time to Kill (1996)

Oh my. This John Grisham adaptation is offensively hilarious. The acting (not to mention—the inconsistent accents!) from an all-star cast including Samuel L. Jackson, Matthew McConaughey, Ashley Judd, and Chris Cooper is over-the-top bad. These are great actors. This proves how weak the script, written by Oscar-winner Akiva Goldsman (for “A Beautiful Mind”), really is. It is a scream how unfunny the “comic relief” role played by Oliver Platt is. He is not charming or witty, and is surprisingly disposable for such a prominent role. Any thought-provoking intentions or ideologies the movie might have been trying to achieve are killed, given the melodramatic shift of focus to the lawyers. For example, there’s an extended hospital scene with Sandra Bullock (the hot-shot add-a-piece to the legal team of Matt and Platt), but none with the prepubescent rape victim that the story supposedly centers around. We do not see the victim’s family throughout most of the film. Instead, we see the lawyers’ late night sessions, relationships, and personal struggles with the case. The light-hearted attitude of these characters negates any serious subject matter that might be at hand. This film is about racism in the Deep South, but it forgets what it’s about to the point of ignoring it completely. This cheapens anything worthwhile it might be trying to say. I’m embarrassed for director Joel Schumacher, who must answer to this steaming pile for the rest of his life. At its worst, it almost resembles contemporary Hollywood Klan porn.

8. With Honors (1994)

“Boy oh boy.” This box-office flop-turned-underground-classic, the audience is constantly treated to kernels of wisdom from a rather unlikely source—a homeless bum (Joe Pesci) who goes to Harvard. An archetype “Did the teacher teach the students or did the student teach the teacher?” scenario occurs when he moves in with four college students. The laughter roars with honors and without regret. Brendan Fraser and Patrick Dempsey help deliver the goods, but it’s Pesci that steals the show. He secretly crashes at the university library, making him an “educated” bum, but still with all the laughs and pitfalls of an ordinary bum. It also contains one of the unintentionally funniest death scenes ever, as Fraser weeps as he reads the last letter written by Pesci, predicting the honorable graduation of Fraser’s character. Quite possibly the worst catch phrase in motion picture history—”Boy oh boy”— is repeated to rolling eyes from characters who will one day learn and grow to miss this really annoying smelly homeless guy. The makers of this film really stink up the joint when they keep mistaking this movie for something with worthwhile and intelligent moral significance.

7. Multiplicity (1996)

This Harold Ramis-directed “comedy” makes the list based on sheer ridiculousness alone. A work-obsessed Michael Keaton needs a way to spend more time with his family, so a quirky scientist makes a clone to help him out. That clone makes another clone, and when a fourth clone is added, all hell breaks loose. That’s when all the most atrocious jokes really come at you. You see, the fourth clone is mentally handicapped. Dressed in wacky clothes, says funny stuff like, “I like pizza.” and “I got a wallet.” The jokes are not funny and the “serious marriage problem” talks between Keaton and wife Andie McDowell turn into a barn-burning laugh party when Keaton begins to shed real tears as he tells his wife how much he loves her. No convincingly serious moral dilemmas are ever established and the clones are simply not funny. The movie actually suggests that the third clone didn’t come out right because it’s gay, and the fourth clone really didn’t come out right because he is obviously mentally handicapped. I could see where someone might get offended, but the real joke is on the writers that called these characters interesting or funny to begin with. Buddy, we are laughing at you, not with you. “Multiplicity” is an unintentionally funny comedy to be reckoned with.

6. Kuffs (1992)

As if the 8Os cop theme wasn’t played out enough, along comes the empty and formulaic “Kuffs.” This movie is unintentionally funny because the punchlines are some of the weakest and most stock Hollywood has ever seen. One multiple offender: Slater talks bad about his girl throughout the movie, than says shruggishly, “women.” Ha-ha funny: Cops get kicked in the nuts and their voices go falsetto. Christian Slater breaks the fourth wall and talks to the audience throughout the film with the most laughably boring narration ever. There is a cheap imitation of a “Beverly Hills Cop”-type score, some completely meaningless gunfire porn, and one of the most ridiculous love stories I’ve ever seen. From “Saved By the Bell”-type heartbroken phone calls to the continuous 8th-grade love sentiments, it is impossible to take co-stars Milla Jovovich and Slater seriously. I left this at #6, but one could make an argument for this one potentially cracking the top 5 someday. It is the “Coupon the Movie” of cop films.

5. Primal Fear (1996)

This “thriller” cracks the top five because it is so serious and somber yet impossible to take seriously. Ed Norton got an Oscar nomination for the most melodramatic part ever, a stuttering Southern man with multiple-personality disorder on trial for double murder. Laura Linney and Richard Gere combine for a vicious laugh team in this one. Gere is the take-no-crap defense lawyer who goes up against the vulnerable prosecutor (Linney). They turn in classic depictions of alcoholic lawyers who also—once in a while—cuss and match wits in hilarious insignificant fashion. “I wish you two would do your fucking goddamn jobs!” is a classic Gere quote that provides endless unintentional laughs! Their hilariously unbelievable and hollow characters are dropped into a premise that actually had potential, which ends up making serious scenarios mutate into unintentionally funny ones. It is nearly impossible to take the narrative as seriously as the actors do. It also has a really pretentious operatic and choir-filled score that inflates the ridiculousness with every soprano. If you need an unintentionally hilarious Oscar movie, this would definitely be my recommendation.

4. Higher Learning (1995)

John Singleton’s wannabe-“Do The Right Thing”-on -campus is an absolute slaying of any reflection on reality whatsoever because the characters and situations are so ridiculous. The only kind of higher learning we get is of the unintentional comedic genius Singleton can be when his dramatic intentions automatically flip to comical ones. Ice Cube is funny because he is Ice Cube. However, his character amounts to nothing, lost in this movie’s lack of ideological significance. I almost put this at number one because it is literally a laugh a minute. Unrealistic scenarios (from the neo-Nazis that recruit Michael Rappaport to shoot minorities on campus to the “lesbian only” depiction of homosexuality on campus) and way too many ideological black holes make it hard to take this movie’s “message” seriously. That is, unless one takes it seriously as a comedy. Great success!

3. Indian Summer (1993)

This film’s message: “some things never change.” When it comes to bad movies, this is certainly the case. Writer/director Mike Binder’s “Indian Summer” is the most unintentionally funny coming-of-age adult flashback film I’ve ever seen. A pretentious movie gets even more pretentious in one scene when characters try to tackle racial injustices of the past. They talk about the time when their camp counselor didn’t hire a guy because he was African-American. The title of the film and the fact that everyone in the film is white only makes Bill Paxton’s flashback that recalls the incident even funnier. Everyone gets more than they bargained for—such as unending clichés passing for genuine life lessons—when they revisit a childhood summer camp. The kicker in this one, however, is a melodramatic bridge scene where a one-on-one talk between Kevin Pollak and Elizabeth Perkins turns into a surface-value reflection and laughable introspective sentiment. As he talks about how much smaller the camp has gotten, Pollak gets sage advice from a friend: “Nothing has gotten smaller. You have changed.” All of the jokes are wickedly bad and all the characters are tragically unfunny. Camp counselor Uncle Lou, played by Alan Arkin, and his mentally handicapped assistant (played by “Spider-Man” director Sam Raimi!) provide for some great unintentional laughs. This movie tries embarrassingly to tug at the heart strings. Instead, it tugs itself right into the lake. It was rescued from drowning after this list flipped its intended effect. You’re welcome.

2. Congo (1995)

This movie is one of the greatest shams of all time. Laura Linney, one year before her raucous turn in “Primal Fear,” turns in an unintentionally masterful performance here. “Put ‘em on the endangered species list!” Make no mistake—she holds the key to this film being as unintentionally funny as it can be. Supposedly she is sent into the African jungle to rescue her missing ex-fiancé, but secretly her boss (the laughably hostile Joe Don Baker) just wants her to find diamonds. Baker is laughably hostile, and Tim Curry is out-of-his-mind bad as the foreign diamond expert. Instead of doing the book justice, we get almost no graphically violent gorilla scenes, and actors in gorilla suits pale in comparison to CGI effects in other movies like “Jurassic Park.” A talking gorilla and a disastrous foreign accent by Ernie Hudson “The Great White Hunter” also help lower the boom on any hope of taking this movie seriously. Not until this list has it gotten the credibility it deserves. Frankenstein-esque comparisons about humans and the limits of technology are squandered for gut-busting ridiculous high-horse scenes about diamonds. We thought we were getting a bloodier Jurassic park through the previews and the violent reputation of the novel. Instead, we get a film that disappointed many fans of the book by making it a soft movie about nothing that worthwhile or satisfying. I bask in its unintentional beauty.

1. Bye Bye Love (1995)

Something about Paul Reiser’s performance makes me think that he really thought this movie was going to be good. How could it be any more unintentionally hilarious? It’s got everything. Three divorced fathers (Reiser, Matthew Modine, and Randy Quaid) find solace in one another as they go through the daily grind of divorced life. The funniest scenes are when Paul Reiser interacts with his daughter. After getting mad at his daughter and throwing money at her in frustration (bad call), she storms out of the house. The door closed, he reflects. “Shit!” Later, he “risks his life” by scaling a branch that is literally 10 ft. off the ground to “rescue” his daughter from their old tree house. Heartwarming! Folks, Reiser’s communication issues between him and his daughter are so cringe-riffic, they will have you begging for more. Modine is a true player. When multiple women come over for dinner and run into his girlfriend—oops! Things get “scary” when he yells at his son for crying about his friends not being able to sleep over. Modine’s “Joker “character from “Full Metal Jacket” resurfaces and erupts more than once! This is especially true when Reiser almost sleeps with Modine’s ex-wife. Don’t forget how terrible Rob Reiner is as the divorce D.J., but give Jack Black credit for his cameo. At times, Randy Quaid is funny, but only because he is Randy Quaid. The script is terrible and most of his scenes are like most of everyone else’s scenes—unintentionally hilarious. James Taylor spawn Ben Taylor offers an unbelievably ineffective musical closer, covering “I Will” by the Beatles during a laugh-inducing epilogue montage, and he absolutely murders it. It cements this little-seen (only $12 mil at the box office) film’s place at #1. “Bye Bye Love” is a true champion because the dramatic scenes are far and away the most hilarious unintentional laugh-grabbers I’ve ever encountered on the silver screen. (Yes, I saw this in its original theatrical run.)

Tags: 1990s, 90s, bad, films, Hilarious, movies, terrible, Top 10 Lists, unfunny, Unintentional Comedies, Worst

This weekend, the new James Bond film “Quantum of Solace” raked in a huge take of $67 million in America alone. For Scene-Stealers sitegoer Will Dawson, this is very exciting. He’s got a lot of favorite Bond movies, but has instead, for us he decided to create a list of the top 10 worst James Bond films from the franchise’s 46 years. Some of these movies, says Will, have their moments, but for the most part these are the Bond movies that there are just no excuses for. And he didn’t even include Timothy Dalton! I smell some controversy … If you have an idea for your own Top 10 list you’d like to submit, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com! Will’s list starts now:

10. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969)

The problem with this movie isn’t that the storyline or the supporting cast is bad, in fact, that is far from it. The story and the action sequences are actually some of the better ones in the entire series. Diana Rigg is a very intriguing Bond girl and Telly Savalas had probably the best characterization of villain Blofeld in the entire James Bond franchise. The film’s only problem can be surmised in two words: George Lazenby. The one-time only Bond’s acting is so wooden and unbelievable that you keep hoping Sean Connery is going to come in and save the day, but he doesn’t, leaving us with the mess that is Lazenby. Surprisingly, Lazenby wasn’t fired by the producers. He quit the role, claiming that Bond would become something of anti-authority figure for the Vietnam generation.

9. The World Is Not Enough (1999)

The third in the Pierce Brosnan Bond series suffers from not enough memorable moments. Robert Carlyle (one of my favorite actors) is used ineffectively as the villain, and although Sophie Marceau is pretty seductive as the other villain, it is Denise Richards who provides the film’s only memorable moments. (And by memorable, I mean extremely annoying!) She is Dr. Christmas Jones. Richards has not only has the worst Bond-girl name in the history of the franchise, but she is also one of the worst actresses to portray a Bond girl. Instead of coming off as sexy and stylish, she comes off trashy and bitchy. Unfortunately, this isn’t the only time an actress’ performance as a Bond girl has had mixed results at best. Really bad Bond pun:

Bond: “I’ve always wanted to have Christmas in Turkey.”

8. Diamonds Are Forever (1971)

After Lazenby left the role, Sean Connery returned as 007 in this over-the-top outing that has a ridiculous plot, annoying Bond girls, and very bizarre villains. The plot of the film revolves around Blofeld (played this time by Charles Gray of “Rocky Horror Picture Show” fame) trying to put diamonds in his laser beam to destroy the world. Jill St. John is Tiffany Case, who is not only Denise Richards-annoying, but also has absolutely no chemistry with Sean Connery. Connery also seems to be bored in the role that made him a star; it’s probably a good thing that he took the money and ran. Note the strange homosexual underscores between the two Bond henchmen, Mr. Kidd and Mr. Wint. Here is an example:

Mr. Kidd: Well, they’re both aboard, and I must say Miss Case seems quite attractive… [Mr. Wint glares at him]
Mr. Kidd: …For a lady. [pause]
Mr. Kidd: Heh heh heh heh!

7. Live and Let Die (1973)

The first Roger Moore movie on this list and certainly not the last, “Live and Let Die” combines plot elements taken from blaxpoitation phenomenon “Shaft” and southern-hick TV comedies like “Hee Haw”. The stunts are unrealistic even for a Bond flick (In one scene, Bond escapes by jumping on top of crocodiles!), and there are definite racial overtones and stereotypes (The villains are all black and Bond has to save a white woman from the clutches of the evil black men). Another horrible thing about this film was the introduction of Sheriff J.W. Pepper, a character that was created possibly to make the Bond series “less British,” which means “less snobby” in the eyes of American audiences. On the plus side, Jane Seymour (Oh, Dr. Quinn!) is incredibly hot as Solitaire and Paul McCartney’s theme song is pretty sweet.

6. Octopussy (1983)

This is the worst titled Bond movie of all time. In the film, Bond (Moore again) travels to India and encounters the title character on a manmade island where she trains women in “business.” I’m uncertain what follows next because the only thing I can remember are the numerous double entendres as Bond makes references to Octopussy’s name and wonders how she got it (According to her, it was because she had a fondness for octopi). Anyway, Maud Adams, who portrays our title heroine, is too stiff and lacks the vital chemistry with Moore that is needed in a Bond Film. However, this is Homer Simpson’s favorite James Bond movie as evidenced in this line from “The Simpsons”:

“You know what I like from you Brits, Octopussy. I must have seen that movie [pause]….twice.”

5. A View To A Kill (1985)

Moore’s last outing as Bond is just as difficult to watch today as it probably was back then (It came out two years before I was born.) From the out-of-place Duran Duran title song, to the final scene atop San Franciso’s Golden Gate Bridge, this movie is one giant mess. It certainly doesn’t help matters that Moore was pushing 60 around the time he was making this movie and looks out of shape and out of place as our hero. Christopher Walken is miscast as Max Zornin, a supposed Nazi superchild-turned-trained KGB agent. The convoluted plot revolves around trying to destroy Silicon Valley. And then there’s Grace Jones. Moore, not surprisingly, later regretted to having taken part in the production at all.

4. The Man With The Golden Gun (1974)

Britt Ekland as the most obnoxious Bond Girl? Check. A villian with three nipples? Check. Hervé Villechaize (who you may know better as Tattoo from TV’s “Fantasy Island”)? Check. The reappearance of the obnoxious J.W. Pepper from “Live and Let Die”? Checkmate. This is a desperate and bad Bond movie. Moore’s second outing as Bond is so strange that I really don’t know what to think of it. On the one hand, it is unintentionally hilarious. On the other hand, it’s so damned weird. Just thinking about Christopher Lee taking off his shirt and revealing his third nipple makes me cringe. And seriously, “the Plane!! the Plane!” guy from “Fantasy Island” as a Bond henchman? What the hell?

3. Moonraker (1979)

Alright, I know it seems that I’m knocking Roger Moore unfairly, but I’m not. It just so happens that the majority of Bond Films that Moore were in were extremely corny and unbelievable, and this definitely is the most unbelievable of them all. Trying to cash in on the “Star Wars” phenomenon, the producers decided to put Bond in space, with horrible results. From meeting Lois Chiles, who portrays Dr. Holly Goodhead as though she’s merely reading her lines, to a battle between U.S. Space Marines and Hugo Drax’s henchmen, this movie is another great travesty in the history of Bond movies. Not even the reappearance of Jaws (Richard Kiel) from 1977’s “The Spy Who Loved Me” could save this movie from the cheesiness that characterized Moore’s absolute worst outing as Bond.

2. You Only Live Twice (1967)

This is my least favorite of the Connery Bond films mostly because this Bond film is the first bad movie in the series. There is too much gadgetry that serves no point, the Bond girls are completely unmemorable, and the plot involving Blofeld (this time played by Donald Pleasance of “The Great Escape” and “Halloween” fame) trying to use his laser to bring about world destruction is ridiculous. However, not any of these moments can compare to the one where Bond has to undergo plastic surgery to look like a Japanese local. Not only does Connery not even remotely resemble a Japanese person, but he also comes across as a dumb stereotypical Caucasian male trying to impersonate a person of Asian descent. Offensive? Oh, yeah. However, this was only the worst Bond movie until…

1. Die Another Day (2002)

From Madonna’s horrible title song, to Halle Berry’s messy performance as Jinx (Berry supposedly was to get her own franchise after “Die Another Day” was completed!), this movie is one giant stinking pile of shit. If you want to talk about all the things that are wrong about James Bond movies—well here they all are. Awful villains (including a man who has a diamond-incrusted forehead), an over-reliance on CGI (a car chase in a melting ice hotel), blatant product placement (including one close-up of a Norelco electric razor), and badly misused actors (examples include Pierce Brosnan as Bond, Michael Madsen as a Felix Leiter knockoff, and Madonna’s horrible two-minute cameo as—get this—a fencing instructor) make this the dismally worst one in the series. The good thing that came out of this crapfest was the complete reboot of the franchise— a new version of “Casino Royale” with Daniel Craig. This is also the last appearance of M’s secretary Miss Moneypenney, whose constant flirtatious tension with Bond was a regular feature of most Bond films. In “Die Another Day,” she is seduced by Bond … by way of virtual-reality glasses. How horrible. Truly a new low.

Tags: 10, adams, awful, bad, blofeld, bond, brosnan, christmas, connery, denise, diana, george, girls, grace, james, Jaws, jinx, jones, kiel, lazenby, maud, moneypenney, moore, movies, pierce, pleasance, richards, rigg, roger, savalas, sean, sucky, ten, terrible, top, Worst