Today’s Top 10 is a good one for the people who love Halloween but don’t like being scared as much as they like the costumes and fun of it all. Brian Reeves from Kansas City contributed this good-humored list of funny horror films. If you have a Top 10 list you’d like to contribute, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Brian:

Another Halloween is upon us, which means it’s time for costume parties, trick-or-treating with the kids, and scary movies. Well, not always “scary” movies. I consider myself a big horror movie buff. I’m the guy in college who watched every horror movie I could get my hands on. Good ones, bad ones I didn’t care, if it falls in the horror section, chances are I’ve seen it. But I figure there are going to be a lot of articles this week talking about scary movies you should watch for Halloween, so I’m going to take this one in a little different direction. I was originally going to write a list of the Top 10 reasons “Paranormal Activity” was a sucky movie, but I decided there was only so many creative ways to call a movie boring and uneventful. (Really, a slightly moving door and people standing in the dark is scary? Really?) Instead, I decided to have some fun with this list. After all, isn’t Halloween really about having fun? Dressing up as crazy things, getting together with your friends or family, and having a good time is what it’s all about. With that in mind, my thoughts immediately turned to one of my favorite films of the year, “Zombieland.” It’s a perfect combination of a few scares and good laughs–a perfect movie for this time of year. So with out further ado, here are my Top 10 fun movies to enjoy on Halloween.

10. Transylvania 6-5000 (1985)

Okay, there’s more comedy here then horror to start off, but this one is safe for the whole family. A movie financed by the Dow chemical company in order to spend “frozen” finances that the company had in Yugoslavia, this 80’s comedy takes us straight to the heart of classic monster country. Frankenstein has reappeared in Transylvania and an American tabloid wants in on the story. They dispatch two reporters, Jack Harrison (Jeff Goldblum) and Gil Turner (Ed Begley Jr.) to investigate. With Carol Kane, Geena Davis, Jeffery Jones, and Michael Richards all making appearances in the film, it’s like a name-that-actor trivia challenge for the adults in the room. The presence of the Wolfman, two hunchback lab assistants, and even a mummy makes sure all of the classic Transylvania monsters are present to get in on the fun. Campy, Cheesy, Perfect.

Gil Turner: Do you smell perfume?
Jack Harrison: Yes. I know what was in this room.
Gil Turner: What?
Jack Harrison: The Creature from Estee Lauder.

9. Mars Attacks! (1996)

I had a hard time deciding if this movie even belonged on the list since it’s really more sci-fi than horror. But then I decided, “Screw it. It’s my list anyway, who cares!” The first film from director Tim Burton to appear on this list, “Mars Attacks!” is a campy send-up of 1950s alien invasion movies. The premise here is simple: The aliens are invading, they do not come in peace, and what the hell are we going to do about it? It’s the little things here that keep this one so near and dear to my heart. From the rayguns that take their sound from “War of the Worlds” to the subtle background taken straight from “Plan 9 From Outer Space” when the aliens first address earth, this film really shows it’s love for old-style matinee B-movies. “Mars Attacks!” also features yet another cast that reads as a who’s who of Hollywood, with Jack Nicholson, Glenn Close, Annette Bening, Danny DeVito, Michael J. Fox and many, many more recognizable faces (including one of the early roles for Jack Black) all come together to make this easily the most impressive cast on this list.

President Dale: I want the people to know that they still have two out of three branches of the government working for them, and that ain’t bad.

8. The Frighteners (1996)

Looks like 1996 was a pretty good year. Long before he was spinning tales about hobbits and rings, Peter Jackson was making some amazingly twisted horror movies. And while I love “Bad Taste” and “Dead Alive,” the Michael J. Fox vehicle “The Frighteners” is his film that makes the most sense for this list. Fox plays Frank Bannister, a psychic who can see and talk to ghosts. He uses this skill to open his own ghostbusting business.I don’t want to give too much away with this one, just know that this movie is a rollercoaster thrill ride and here things are never quite what the seem. Featuring great supporting performances from Jake Busey and R. Lee Ermey, “The Frighteners” is sure put you on the edge of your seat and tickle your funny bone at the same time.

Frank Bannister: Why is it that flies stick to you guys like shit to a blanket?
Cyrus: Ha ha, very funny. You’re a funny guy, Frank. You know, all you think about is
yourself. I could complain, too, you know. I would like some new clothes. You get to dress
nice. Here I am still looking like Linc from The Mod Squad.
Frank Bannister: You died in the 70’s. It’s a bummer.

7. Bubba Ho-Tep (2002)

Elvis and JFK, both alive and in a nursing home, fight for the souls of their fellow residents as they battle an ancient Egyptian mummy. Yes, you read that correctly. All that needs to be known about this movie can be summed up in four words: Bruce Campbell as Elvis. Well, what are you waiting for, go watch it! I mean like, right now!

Elvis: Ask not what your rest home can do for you. Ask what you can do for your rest home.
JFK: Hey, you’re copying my best lines!
Elvis: Then let me paraphrase one of my own. Let’s take care of business.
JFK: Just what are you getting at, Elvis?
Elvis: I think you know what I’m gettin’ at Mr. President. We’re gonna kill us a mummy.

6. From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)

Welcome back. A little more serious than the movies on this list so far, this Quentin Tarantino-written, Robert Rodriguez-directed journey into a lair of Mexican vampires is a little hard to classify. It starts out as a Tarantino-like crime movie about two brother bank robbers on the run. They take a family hostage to cross into Mexico, and then abruptly it turns into a B-movie horror splatterfest. While some point to the film’s unevenness as a flaw, I think it just adds to the fun. It certainly keeps it from getting boring. George Clooney and Harvey Keitel both help the movie keep its serious side, while never undermining the B-movie late night fun this film is obviously intended to be. Danny Trejo and Tom Savini (the man behind the effects in the original “Friday the 13th” and “Dawn of the Dead”) appear in supporting roles.

Kate: Are you okay?
Seth: Peachy, Kate. The world’s my oyster, except for the fact that I just rammed a wooden
stake in my brother’s heart because he turned into a vampire, even though I don’t believe in
vampires. Aside from that unfortunate business, everything’s hunky-dory.

5. Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight (1995)

Ah yes, “Tales from the Crypt.” The HBO series that started in 1989 was always a favorite of mine. With this film, the premium cable series made its first and best transition to the big screen. The plot is fairly simple: A man carrying something very important holes up in a roadside motel while being chased by the forces of Hell itself. From there it becomes a simple survival tale. Who lives, who dies, who cares? Much like the television series, this film doesn’t take itself too seriously. And much like “From Dusk Till Dawn,” eventually this film becomes about the demon body count. With tongue firmly planted in cheek, Billy Zane, William Sadler, and Thomas Haden Church takes us through what the Crypt Keeper affectionately calls a “deadtime story.” This movie also has a killer soundtrack for any metalheads out there featuring music from Pantera, Machine Head, Biohazard, Minstry, Melvins and Sepultura.

Crypt Keeper: Fasten your drool cups, and ready your vomit bags! We’re going to the movies!
Frights, camera, action!

4. Planet Terror (2007)

Two words: Machine-gun leg! Robert Rodriguez makes his second showing on my list. The first half of the under-appreciated double feature “Grindhouse,” “Planet Terror” is an almost perfect homage to 70s B-level horror. A bio-virus is released on a small town and zombie style hi-jinks begin as El Wrey (Freddy Rodriguez), a man with a secret past, tries to save the town and the woman he loves. Rodriguez is able to again strike a nice balance between the horror and comedy. Purposely bad dialogue and plot holes galore (including a missing reel) are a great nod to the large number of terrible low-budget horror films that are released every year. But this movie never falls into the tedium that comes with most of the films “Planet Terror” parodies. Josh Brolin, Michael Biehn, Bruce Willis, and the smoking-hot Rose McGowan combine to give us yet another example of how Rodriguez can do big budget terror with a sly smile and Halloween fun sensibilities.

El Wray: I need someone to drive my truck.
Sheriff Hague: I’ll do it.
El Wray: You’re bleeding like a stuck pig. Your vision is probably blurred, and you’re on
your last leg…
Sheriff Hague: [sarcastic] Anything else?
El Wray: Don’t wreck it.

3. Beetlejuice (1988)

He’s the ghost with the most. Another Tim Burton film comes in at number three. It’s hard to imagine there’s anyone out there who hasn’t seen this Michael Keaton classic. In a role that was originally intended for Sammy Davis Jr., Keaton put on one of the iconic performances of his career as Beetlejuice. A recently deceased couple who’s stuck living in their own house for the afterlife wants to get rid of the new living family that’s moved in. They enlist the services of Beetlejuice to exorcise the living from their home. A wacky movie with ghosts, laughs, and island music numbers. This film is one of a kind. You know you love it, so go watch it again this Halloween.

Adam: What are your qualifications?
Betelgeuse: Ah. Well… I attended Juilliard… I’m a graduate of the Harvard business
school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good
time during that. I’ve seen the EXORCIST ABOUT A HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVEN TIMES, AND IT
KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT… NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU’RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY… NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK? You think I’m qualified?

2. Army of Darkness (1992)

The third film in Sam Raimi’s “Evil Dead” series, “Army of Darkness” takes the camp of the first two to an entirely different level. Ash (Bruce Campbell again) has been sucked through a vortex and ends up in medieval times. He then must begin his quest to find the Necromonicon. Raimi’s trademark style and Campbell’s one-liners make this about a much fun as you can have battling an army of the dead. I don’t know what else to say about this one except if you haven’t seen it, I don’t think we can be friends anymore. There are simply too many great lines from this movie to pick just one, but I suppose I’ll have to try.

Ash: Alright you Primitive Screwheads, listen up! You see this? This… is my boomstick! The twelve-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart’s top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That’s right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about a hundred and nine, ninety five. It’s got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That’s right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. You got that?

1. Ghostbusters (1984)

If I have to tell you why this is number one then you haven’t seen “Zombieland” yet and that, my friends, is a true shame. Go see it and then re-live this Ivan Reitman-directed classic. It still makes me laugh out loud every time I watch it. Happy Halloween, everybody!

Dr. Peter Venkman: Alice, I’m going to ask you a couple of standard questions, okay? Have you or any of your family been diagnosed schizophrenic? Mentally incompetent?
Librarian Alice: My uncle thought he was Saint Jerome.
Dr. Peter Venkman: I’d call that a big yes.

Tags: 10, best, films, fun, funny, halloween, horror, lighthearted, movies, ten, top, Top 10 Fun Movies for Halloween, Top Ten Fun Movies for Halloween

A couple of years ago, I wrote a list of Top 10 Overlooked Scary Movies that got spread around the Web quite a bit. Best of all, the comment section became a great place for people to recommend other horror flicks that may not have received the attention they deserve. Today’s new list is kind of a companion piece to that one. If you are tired of renting the same stupid remakes and played-out franchises every Halloween, try some of these suggestions on for size. Some are scary (even though they may not be traditional horror movies) and some are campy, but each one of the films below has something special about it. You should seriously consider renting any of the following that you haven’t seen this Halloween.

If you have your own idea for a Top 10 list, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com.

10. Opera (1987)

This certainly isn’t the most solid movie of Italian giallo master Dario Argento’s career, but it contains two of his most visually impressive set pieces. Not known for concise (or even rational) plotting, some of Argento’s movies work better as rough frameworks that only exist to showcase a couple of inspired scenes of murder and mayhem. In this case, the central premise is based on something Argento used to joke about doing to audiences that wanted to turn away from the intense gore in his films: taping needles to their eyelids to force them to stay open. A killer stalks the movie’s heroine and does just that, forcing her to watch as he kills her friends. This movie really is all about the spectator and the eye itself. Set piece one: A flashy crane shot follows crows as they fly over the audience during an opera and descend upon a killer’s eyes. Number two: A slo-mo close-up of a bullet as its fired through a peephole in a door and–you guessed it–into someone’s eye! Yikes.

9. Sleepy Hollow (1999)

Loosely based on Washington Irving’s classic “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow,” this dark and funny Tim Burton movie finds the director and his favorite star (Johnny Depp, of course) having a ball upending conventions. Depp plays Ichabod Crane not as a standard hero but as an outsider–a nerdy, frightened man of science who can’t quite fathom the fact that the decapitations he’s come from New York City to investigate seem to be supernatural in nature. Christopher Walken portrays the Headless Horseman (when his head is visible), and the Oscar-winning art direction creates a spooky, mist-filled tangle of trees and forced perspectives. It may not be Depp’s funniest Burton role (that distinction belongs to “Ed Wood”), but the star’s quirky take on Crane make it loads of fun. In addition, “Sleepy Hollow” is a surprisingly violent and gorgeous movie to look at.

8. Near Dark (1987)

Unless you already knew going in, you’d likely never guess that the same woman who directed this year’s Iraq bomb-squad drama “The Hurt Locker” also helmed this twisted little vampire family story back in the late 80s. Kathryn Bigelow has always been interested in characters who crave danger (see “Point Break”), but Bill Paxton’s performance as psychopathic vampire Severen is so over-the-top cruel that he’s as funny as he is threatening. When a young cowboy in Oklahoma (Adrian Pasdar) gets turned into a vampire by a sexy young drifter (Jenny Wright), he is forced to “meet the parents,” so to speak, and enters the dangerous world of a group of vamps who live in a camper. The ending is kind of a cop-out, but Bigelow’s combination of the Western and the vampire movie has as many memorable landscape shots as it does moments of genuine tension and funny dialogue.

7. Magic (1978)

Speaking of people who you wouldn’t think would be working in the horror genre, this movie is full of prestige Hollywood personalities. Anthony Hopkins plays a creepy magician-turned-ventriloquist named Corky who spends almost as much time killing people as he does talking to his dummy Fats. Adapted by William Goldman (”Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid,” “All The President’s Men,” “The Princess Bride”) from his novel and directed by Richard Attenborough (”Gandhi”), “Magic” is a true oddity. It starts off as a low-key (but still off-kilter) psychological examination of a person with multiple personality disorder. As Corky’s madness progresses, however, so does his temper. The scenes between Hopkins and Ann-Margret (who is the object of Corky’s unhealthy obsession) are a weird mix of tenderness and nail-biting restlessness. Burgess Meredith is also on hand to play Corky’s slimy but effective manager.

6. Slither (2006)

Sexual frustration manifests itself in the form of slimy little slugs that come from outer space in this sly and campy horror film from director James Gunn. Like a mash-up of David Cronenberg (”Dead Ringers”) and the Troma studio (”The Toxic Avenger”), “Slither” combines the desires of the flesh and the absurdity of campy horror into an inspired concoction. Nathan Fillion is the small town sheriff who must make sense of it all while still pining for his high school sweetheart (Elizabeth Banks). She’s unfortunately married to Grant Grant (Michael Rooker), the richest man in town, whose sudden ravenous desires lead to the disappearances of local pets and some strange physical deformities. “Slither” successfully combines fast-moving CGI elements that true B-movies can’t afford with the more traditional lumbering (and often hilarious) creature effects that can make them so fun to laugh at. The whole thing is  put together with a smart and silly sense of humor.

5. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)

Director Philip Kaufman (”The Right Stuff”) directed this sci-fi/horror remake, which is unique because it’s one of the rare remakes that’s actually better than the original (Don Seigel’s 1956 film of the same name). Replacing Seigel’s Cold War metaphor with a satire of the “me” decade and all of its excesses, Kaufman peppers his movie with hippies, poets, and an evil pop psychiatrist played by Leonard Nimoy. As Donald Sutherland and Brooke Adams try to uncover the truth about an alien race that’s replacing humans with unfeeling duplicates, Kaufman lays on the paranoia as thick as the parody. The result is a movie that is by turns genuinely creepy and clever.

4. An American Werewolf in London (1981)

John Landis pulls off the same feat here. Besides the Oscar-winning werewolf transformation scene by legendary make-up artist Rick Baker, this movie has a lot of other shocking and sometimes very scary moments. But it also features some of the funniest bits in any horror movie ever, as a graphically decomposing Griffin Dunne continues to haunt his old pal David Naughton (who is turning into a werewolf now) and annoy the living crap out of him. Landis mixes up fantasy/nightmare sequences to catch the audience off guard, and the gory scenes are few and far between, but this also heightens their effect.

3. Videodrome (1983)

Universal is set to remake this unsettling David Cronenberg movie (Why oh why?) that features James Woods as a public-access TV channel owner who programs a mysterious show that mesmerizes viewers by showing scenes of torture and murder. He has higher aspirations than using the snuff film for cheap entertainment, however. Cronenberg was way ahead of the curve in predicting the huge volume of TV screens that would be available and the enormous influence they would have in the future. He may not have predicted that we’d be watching tiny screens on our cell phones, but his perverted take on media had video physically melding with people’s bodies, resulting in the cult movie’s catch phrase “Long live the new flesh!” A remake that updates the technology won’t have the time-specific cultural references and may just miss the point altogether. See the original soon.

2. Eyes Without a Face, or Les yeux sans visage (1960)

Even though this disturbing French flick is widely considered a classic now (it’s available on Criterion DVD after all), I talk to people all the time who have never seen it. Georges Franju went from documentaries to directing this controversial horror film about a doctor who kidnaps young women and surgically removes their faces in an attempt to graft them onto his daughter’s, after hers was mutilated in a car accident. The psychological complexity of the three lead characters is rare for a horror movie, as is the beautiful black-and-white cinematography and the matter-of-fact handling of the plot’s more sordid details. Besides retaining much of its original shock value almost 50 years later, “Eyes Without a Face” also burns its haunting images into your brain forever. The young daughter’s white, expressionless mask was the inspiration for John Carpenter to similarly hide Michael Myers’ face in the orginal “Halloween.”

1. Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (1986)

It may not be considered a strict horror movie, but it’s certainly the most terrifying film on this list. Especially when viewed in the same faux-documentary light as “Paranormal Activity,” “Henry” renders the act of murder in a far more banal and realistic manner. John McNaughton loosely based this harrowing no-budget film on real-life killer Henry Lee Lucas. Although it isn’t designed to make you think it’s a documentary, the dispassionate acting and lack of a budget make it sometimes feels like one. Michael Rooker portrays Henry as an aimless, soulless man whose existence is so dulled that he finds a purpose in life only after he begins to murder others and videotape it. The movie was considered so gruesome that it sat on a shelf for three years gathering dust before Oscar-winning documentarian Errol Morris dusted it off to sponsor a showing at the Telluride Film Festival. Since then, the unrated movie been the subject of much debate due to its startlingly violent palette and authentic style. Warning: Do not watch this one alone.

Tags: 10, best, dvd, films, halloween, horror, movies, rentals, scariest, scary, ten, top, Top 10 Horror Movies You Should Rent, Top Ten Horror Movies You Should Rent

This list comes to us from Sean O’Connell, a New York City-based writer who has also contributed Top 10 Worst Movie Husbands, Top 10 Movie Rain Scenes and  Top 10 Movie Brothers to Scene-Stealers. Now he’s got a great list of awful movie neighbors for us. If you have a Top 10 you’d like to contribute, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Sean:

I would have to say I probably live on the greatest block ever. It has the ultimate small town feel to it, and what makes this possible is great neighbors. The neighbors I have are amazing because you can borrow a hammer from them and they can borrow a cup of milk from you. Every morning when you wake up there is a smiling face to great you as you head off to work and summers are filled with backyard BBQs. Unfortunately though for every two great neighbors you have, there are always the bad ones that pop up. In my case, they live across the street. Every morning the screaming and yelling wakes me up like an alarm clock, their dog craps in my yard, and they steal my kid’s toys from the front of my house when I am not looking. The police make more visits to their house than the mailman does. Needless to say, they drive me crazy and I always complain to my aunt (who also lives on the same block) about it all the time. She said to me the other day, “Sean, aren’t there a lot of bad neighbors portrayed in the movies?” This got me thinking … Yes. there have been a fair share of bad neighbors over the years on the silver screen. I have to offer my apologies to Ben Tuthill, the neighbor from “Poltergeist,” who just missed the cut. Why wouldn’t he just let the Freelings watch the football game? Thank you to my Aunt Denise and my annoying neighbors for giving me the inspiration to write the Top 10 Worst Movie Neighbors of all time.

10. Sid Phillips - Toy Story (1995)

Being a bad neighbor doesn’t just apply to those who are annoying to humans. The villain in this Pixar classic is a 10-year-old boy Sid (Eric Von Detton). While he never seems to bother Andy or his family at any point, he does terrorize toys. This is something that Woody (Tom Hanks) is constantly vigilant against. All of Andy’s toys are aware of this vicious neighbor who was kicked out of summer camp, as Rex tells Buzz (Tim Allen) “He tortures toys just for fun!” It seems that a dog accompanies most bad neighbors, and the furry pest in this case is Scud. He is known to eat toys on command from his leader. The whole second half of the movie deals with heroes Woody and Buzz trying to escape from Sid’s house of horrors. Sid gets his in the end as the toys come to life in his backyard moments before he launches Buzz into space on a rocket. I often wondered what happened to Sid after that, I mean that kid had to be in therapy for years. I’m still creeped out by Woody saying “We toys can see EVERYTHING!, so play nice!”

9. The Bumpuses – A Christmas Story (1983)

Like I wrote in the previous entry, bad neighbors usually come with dogs, and nothing is truer of the Parkers’ hillbilly neighbors the Bumpuses. They actually owned 785 smelly hound dogs that apparently ignored every other human being on earth other than Mr. Parker (Darren McGavin). They attack the poor man every day when he comes home from work. Where are these damn hillbillies anyway? Do they really not care that their awful dogs are physically assaulting another person? The worst comes on Christmas morning as the dogs come crashing in at just the mere smell of turkey. So basically you can’t have a decent meal with your family if you live next door to these fools because their dogs will literally crash the party. The only good thing that came out of this disaster was that the Parkers were introduced to Chinese turkey. I really have to give Mr. Parker credit on the way he dealt with his neighbors. He never confronted them or called the cops. He just yelled, “Son of bitches! Bumpuses!” and close the door on one of the dog’s ears. If those dogs had attacked me, destroyed my house and the Bumpuses made no attempt to fix it, well I would have grabbed Ralphie’s Red Rider BB gun and started picking off the smelly hounds one by one.

8. The Griswolds – National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989)

The third entry on the list, and second Christmas movie, was a hard one for me to put down. Mainly because I love the Griswolds and they may be one of my favorite movie families of all time. I just asked myself one question to prove a point to myself: Would I want to live next to them? The answer was no. Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase) is so obsessed with the holidays that he puts just about every Christmas light in the state of Illinois on his house. When he has his grand unveiling he blinds his yuppie neighbors, Todd and Margo Chester (Nicholas Guest and Julia Louis-Dreyfus). Then the Griswolds invite all their extended family members over for the holiday, Cousin Eddie (Randy Quaid) and his Winnebago full of trashy family members and Snots the Dog tag along. So the Chesters are forced to see Cousin Eddie empty his toilet into the sewer system. I know we only see Clark viewing, but I am sure they saw it as well. Would you like to wake up to that sight? The Chesters house is also destroyed when Clark cuts down his Christmas tree, and he shoots icicles from his gutters into their living room window. Then the ultimate catastrophe happens to the Chesters after Christmas is interrupted by a crazed squirrel who is chased by Snots the dog. The squirrel and Snots attack poor Margo, who was finally going to stand up to the Griswolds.

7. Cheech & Chong – Cheech & Chong’s Next Movie (1980)

I have to start by saying that Mr. Neatnik (Sy Kramer) should have realized that living next to Cheech (Cheech Marin) and Chong (Thomas Chong) was going to be a lost cause. The state of the house rivaled the the “Animal House” Delta House. It was covered with dirt and had boarded up windows. As if that wasn’t bad enough, Chong decides that he needs to play his guitar so loud that it actually creates noise pollution and breaks the windows of Mr. Neatnik’s house as he tries to give piano lessons. Then Cheech and Chong decide to borrow Mr. Neatnik’s car without asking, of course. When they run out of gas they fill it up with gasoline from a trashcan. This leads to the blowing up of Mr. Neatnik’s car. Cheech and Chong do what any bad neighbor would do, return the car as if nothing happened. When Mr. Neatnik does stand up for himself he just gets ignored for his efforts. Oh yeah, Cheech also mistakenly pees on his head.

6. Vic & Ramona – Neighbors (1981)

It seems like the 80s were filled with movies that dealt with bad neighbors. In this case, we are dealing with Vic (Dan Aykroyd) and Ramona (Cathy Moriarty) who move in to their house in the middle of the night next to Earl and Enid Keese (John Belushi & Kathryn Walker). Vic is constant liar, which is proven by his story of his home made sauce (which comes from a jar) and the spaghetti that he bought from a fancy Italian restaurant called Ceasar’s Garlic Wars, which is a small spaghetti and wine dealership at Valley Field Mall on Route 3, next to the Cinema Cineplex and the Singer Sewing Center. The restaurant doesn’t exist and Vic made the spaghetti himself. Then Vic decides to eat Earl’s daughter’s edible panties, which leads to Earl punching out Vic. Ramona, on the other hand, is constantly trying to seduce Earl–and when she finally does succeed, she blackmails him. At one point when Earl sneaks out to meet Ramona, Vic is waiting on the roof of his car wearing scuba gear. These particular neighbors turn poor suburbanite Earl’s life upside down. His own family starts to side with Vic and Ramona over him. When Earl finally decides to get revenge on Vic by driving his car into the swamp, it backfires. Vic tells him that their baby is in the truck. It turns out that baby is the dog (see what I mean about bad neighbors and their dogs) and he is not in the truck. I never really understood the end of the movie. SPOILER: Why does Earl decide to destroy his house and run away with these wackos? I guess he thought that they were such bad neighbors that he would spend the rest of his life with them. An interesting bit of trivia, Belushi was originally supposed to portray Vic and Aykroyd was to be Earl. They decided to switch weeks before filming and act against type.

5. Jerry Dandridge – Fright Night (1985)

As Cliff Clavin would say, “Another 80’s movie, another bad neighbor. What’s up with that?” The culprit this time is Jerry Dandridge (Chris Sarandon), just your typical run of the mill vampire that feasts on prostitutes. Dandridge moves in to his house in the middle of the night next door to the Brewsters with the help of what appears to be his live-in male companion, Billy Cole. Charley Brewster (William Ragsdale) one day just happens to be looking out his window, instead of at his half-naked girlfriend Amy (Amanda Bearse), and sees Dandridge sucking blood from a lady of the night. Of course Charley does not have sex with Amy, rather he becomes obsessed with the fact that there is a vampire living next door. His mom decides to invite Dandridge over for dinner, mainly because she has the hots for him. This act has now broken rule #32 on the list of Vampire Don’ts: Don’t invite a vampire into your house because now he can come over when ever he wants. The fact that he would come over now whenever he wants without asking by itself makes for a bad neighbor, regardless of the fact he is a vampire. Anyway, Dandrige does pop in at the Brewsters’ house, wrecks Charley’s room, and threatens to kill him. Then he goes outside and crashes Charley’s car. He turns Charley’s friend Evil Ed Thompson into a vampire and steals Amy away, and turns her into a vampire. SPOILER: Charley does get the last laugh as he and the Great Vampire Killer Peter Vincent (Roddy McDowell) kill Mr. Jerry Dandridge and save Amy. Although personally I would have let her die as well because she was annoying and would only grow up to become Marcie Rhodes from “Married with Children.”

4. The Langs – Arlington Road (1999)

Michael Faraday (Jeff Bridges) is just a normal college history professor who teaches a class on terrorism at George Washington University. He is a widow (his FBI agent wife died in an explosion) and raises his nine year old son Grant. He has a new girlfriend Brooke (Hope Davis) and everything seems to be finally getting back to normal for Michael. Then one day the new neighbor’s kid is injured in a reported fireworks accident. Michael rushes him to the emergency room, which sets up his first encounter with his new neighbors Oliver (Tim Robbins) & Cheryl (Joan Cusack). Michael slowly starts to suspect his neighbors of being terrorists. Haven’t we all thought that about our neighbors from time to time? Nobody believes him and they think that he is paranoid. His girlfriend Brooke decides one day to trail Oliver’s car and witnesses a suspicious package delivery in a garage. Brooke calls Michael & tells him she finally believes him, only to turn around and see Cheryl standing there. Brooke is found dead and the messages she left for Michael are erased. Then the Langs kidnap Grant, under the guise of a Scout camping trip. Once again, don’t all neighbors kidnap their kids? Is that wrong? Michael rents a car and follows a van that he believes his son is being held captive in. SPOILER: The van eventually reaches FBI headquarters and Michael rips open the back door of the van to find not his son but a bomb. There is an explosion and Michael, along with 184 people, are killed. Grant is sent to live with relatives, Michael is villified in the press as a terrorist, and the Langs get away. They staked Michael out from the beginning just to set him up as the fall guy and–oh yeah–kill his girlfriend and forever ruin the image of him in his son’s eyes. They rightfully deserve the number-four spot.

3. Lars Thorwald – Rear Window (1954)

This was another tough one for me as well, mainly because I really don’t know who the bad neighbor is. L. B. “Jeff” Jeffries (Jimmy Stewart) is a photographer who is recovering from a broken leg. He is confined to his apartment in a wheelchair and is slowly going crazy from the boredom. So instead of spending time with his amazingly beautiful girlfriend Lisa (Grace Kelly), he decides to pass the hours by spying on his neighbors through the lens of his camera. Really Jeff? Grace Kelly worships the ground you walk (I mean roll) on and you would rather look at lonely women, a songwriter, some married couples, and a salesman? If it weren’t for Lars Thorwald (Raymond Burr) the salesman, it would be Jeff’s name on this list. It turns out Lars lives with his bedridden wife who one day just magically disappears. Jeff sees Lars cleaning a knife and a handsaw, tying a large packing crate with heavy rope, making late-night trips carrying a large case. Jeff is convinced that Lars killed his wife and being the good brave boyfriend that he is, he sends Lisa over there with a note saying “What have you done with her?” (SPOILER) A neighbor’s dog starts poking around in the garden where the wife’s body may or may not be buried, So Lars decides to break the dog’s neck. Lars catches Lisa in his apartment, attempts to rough her up, but the police arrive just in time. Lars looks across the courtyard to realize that Jeff is the one sending notes and calling the police. Lars breaks in to Jeff’s apartment and throws him out the window. Good thing their was a group of cops standing there to break his fall. So Lars just ekes out Jeff as the bad neighbor because he killed his wife, then a dog, tried to beat up Grace Kelly, and threw an invalid out the window. Way to go, Lars!

2. Ray Peterson, Mark Rumsfield, Art Weingartner, Ricky Butler, and the Klopeks – The ‘Burbs (1989)

This movie is a cinematic study the behavior of bad neighbors. I had to include everyone on this list because they all have their own awful moments; there is no neighborly love here. It turns out one day the Klopeks just arrive on this somewhat peaceful street in the on Mayfield Place in suburban Hinckley Hills, Iowa. No one ever sees a moving truck and the Klopeks keep to themselves. Ray Peterson (Tom Hanks) is a stressed out husband and father who decides he needs to have a stay-cation (that’s a vacation at home). He is being constantly badgered by his annoying neighbors Art Weingartner (Rick Ducommun), Mark Rumsfield (Bruce Dern), and teenager Ricky Butler (Corey Feldman). Art and Mark believe the Klopeks to be mass murders because they are so reclusive. The only time anyone sees them is at night digging in their backyard. Then the old man up the block, Walter Seznick, disappears one day leaving behind only his toupee and his dog, Queenie. Art is convinced that an old man would never leave his toupee behind and is convinced the Klopeks killed him. Then Ray’s dog digs up a human femur bone in the backyard, which they start to believe belongs to Walt. Ray is finally convinced that they should break in to Klopeks’ house and search for the dead bodies. Throughout the movie each neighbor does awful things like dumping garbage in the street, shorting out the electrical lines, throwing loud parties with obnoxious friends, breaking and entering, destruction of property, shooting off live ammunition, and of course (SPOILER) accidentally breaking the gas line in the Klopeks’ house and blowing it up. At the end of the movie, it starts to look like the Klopeks are innocent. Walter had a heart attack and moved in with family. The Klopeks were taking in his mail and that is why they had his toupee. The police arrive with the Klopeks and want to arrest Ray. Ray then flips out on Art screaming “We’re the lunatics, not them!” So as Ray is being taken to the hospital for fire burns, Dr. Klopek (Henry Gibson) pays a visit to him in the ambulance. It seems the doctor believes that Ray saw the skull of the former owner of the house in the furnace. A fight ensues as Dr. Klopek attempts to kill Ray. The Klopeks steal the ambulance and try to drive away. They fail and crash into their own car. The trunk pops open to reveal a collection of bones, proving that the Klopeks were mass murders all along. That has to be the worst street ever.

1. Minnie & Roman Castevet – Rosemary’s Baby (1968)

To me, this one just seemed like a no-brainer. Rosemary Woodhouse (Mia Farrow) is a young wife who just moved into a beautiful New York City apartment building called the Bramford with her struggling actor husband Guy (John Cassavetes). The Bramford is known for some weird events and bizarre tenants over the years. Rosemary’s neighbors are a seemingly harmless old couple named Minnie (Ruth Gordon) and Roman Castevet (Sidney Blackmer). It turns out that this elderly couple is not harmless at all, rather, they are devil worshipers and part of a coven. They have a master plan to bring the son of Satan to life by mating the devil and an unsuspecting spouse. Their first choice takes a header off the building, which leaves them to turn to Rosemary. The Castevets spend a lot of time with Guy, convincing him his career will take off if he agrees to give up his first born. SPOILER: The great husband that he is (by the way, you should see my Top 10 list on bad movie husbands), he agrees to let Satan rape his wife. Minnie makes a chocolate mousse for the Woodhouses to eat on the night they decide to conceive a baby. Rosemary finds that the mousse has a chalky under taste and throws it away after a few bites. Minnie had actually drugged Rosemary in order to carry out her master plan. Rosemary does get impregnated and is talked out of seeing her obstetrician to see Dr. Saperstein instead, who turns out (you guessed it) to be part of the coven. Rosemary is having a difficult pregnancy, and wouldn’t you if you were carrying the spawn of Satan? Rosemary eventually discovers that her neighbors are part of a cult and that Roman is the son of a famed Satan worshiper. The Castevets decide to induce labor, and convince Rosemary the baby died upon delivery. She hears the cries of a baby from her room and follows the sounds. They eventually lead her to the coven and Minnie convinces her to be the mother of the son of Satan. If you ask me, I would take my whacked-out neighbors over Minnie any day and I will never accept chocolate mousse from a neighbor again. Ruth Gordon (”Harold and Maude”) received a well deserved Best Supporting Actress Award for her turn as Minnie.

Tags: bad, film, list, neighbors, nosy, ten, top, Top 10 Lists, Top 10 worst movie neighbors, Worst

You can look at this list as a sequel of sorts to lists that J.D. and I wrote in 2006. The Top 10 Overlooked Movies lists were designed to give you something to rent that you may not have heard about or had the wrong idea about. Think of this as an updated version of that list, inspired in part by the new Ricky Gervais film “The Invention of Lying,” opening this weekend. He starred in a great little romantic comedy from last year that disappeared from theaters without a trace (see #10) and it got me thinking again: What other new-ish movies do I never hear anything about anymore? What happens to great films after they suffer disappointing box office runs? The answer? They turn up here.

If you have an idea for your own Top 10 list, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com.

10. Ghost Town (2008)

He saw dead people, but nobody saw this movie. As a self-centered dentist who must grapple with the fact that dead people are suddenly asking him favors at every turn, Ricky Gervais is just testy enough to feel make the silly seem authentic—and very, very funny. He also pulls off the tricky task of convincing an audience to love a prickly bastard and root for his romance with ghost Greg Kinnear’s widow (Tea Leoni). Writer/director David Koepp peppers his movie with just enough cynicism and to keep “Ghost Town” from falling into bad rom-com Hell, and when things do get a little sappy, it actually works.

9. Zathura (2005)

This is the little-seen kids-oriented movie that Jon Favreau directed right before he did “Iron Man.” On the surface, it’s a story about a house that gets transported without warning into outer space by a mysterious board game. There’s a visiting spaceman, a giant robot, and the lizard-like Zorgons to contend with, but most of all, “Zathura” is about the camaraderie and friendship of two young brothers (Josh Hutcherson and Jonah Bobo) that’s always marred by varying degrees of competition and jealousy. Favreau shows that even before “Iron Man” he knew how to strike just the right balance between character and fantasy. (Sidenote: It was co-adapted from the book by David Koepp, who also co-wrote and directed “Ghost Town.” Weird.)

8. The Lookout (2007)

Having adapted the Elmore Leonard novels “Get Shorty” and “Out of Sight,” screenwriter Scott Frank makes a sure-handed directorial debut with this modest crime caper set in Kansas City. Chris (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) is crippled with guilt and not able to function at a normal cognitive level anymore after a tragic high school car accident. His roommate is a blind father figure played by Jeff Daniels. Things get complicated for Chris when he meets a shady new crowd and they draft him into a scheme that he isn’t entirely aware of. Gordon-Levitt (who would go on to do “500 Days of Summer” and “G.I. Joe” this year) shines as the regretful loner and Matthew Goode (”Watchmen”) is magnetic as his new friend. The crime element is well-played, but its the characters you’ll really remember.

7. The Upside of Anger (2005)

The best female performance of 2005 in any movie was Joan Allen’s funny and fearless turn in a misrepresented film called “The Upside of Anger.” The hard-drinking, hard-charging Terry Ann Wolfmeyer is the razor-sharp creation of writer/director Mike Binder and, though you may think from the ad campaign that it is a touchy-feely family film, you’ll know from the moment you see Allen dismiss her daughter’s dreams in a fierce verbal barrage that you are in for more than you bargained for. Snappy dialogue is a rare find in Hollywood these days, and Allen and co-star Kevin Costner are on their game in this biting movie that avoids sinking into sentimentality until the moment it becomes almost unbearable not to.

6. The New World (2005)

The fact that the touching love story between John Smith (Colin Farrell) and young native princess Pocahontas (Q’orianka Kilcher) in Jamestown, Virginia probably never took place does not take away from writer/director Terrence Malick’s ability to tap into an emotional core that few directors achieve. The movie feels strange and new, like the English explorers must have felt coming upon a land unseen by “civilized” eyes, or how the native Algonquin people must have felt seeing those huge ships sail up to their shores. It also dismantles the entire rose-colored vision of America’s discovery and re-imagines historical events like the first Thanksgiving, all with the director’s trademark impressionistic style.

5. The Matador (2005)

Although he travels to exotic locales and is paid handsomely to be a “facilitator of fatalities,” Julian (Pierce Brosnan) is desperate and lost. He’s losing his knack for being a hitman, and realizes the trivial nature of his existence. His life is a series of frenzied one-night stands when he meets a mild-mannered salesman in Mexico City (Greg Kinnear). The two form an unlikely friendship, and soon Kinnear is doing all sorts of things he shouldn’t be. This is a funny, stylish movie from writer/director Richard Shepard that constantly feels as if it’s going to fall apart, yet it never quite does. It also showcases a depraved comedic side of Brosnan that is kind of a shock after all those years of playing the suave James Bond.

4. The Fountain (2006)

Before the neo-realism of “The Wrestler,” director Darren Aronofsky achieved a unique kind of narrative cohesion that defied traditional plot-driven mechanics with this lovely, stirring, and personal film. The combination of moody music, beautiful visuals, and rhythmic editing transports viewers back and forth through 16th Century Spain, a present-day medical struggle, the Fountain of Youth, the Tree of Life, and a future where Hugh Jackman floats through space in a clear bubble. While the ultimate meaning of the film may be up for interpretation, there’s no denying the film’s power to overtake the viewer. It’s narrative cohesion comes not from story, but rather the exquisiteness of its images and its transcendent life/death themes.

3. The Black Dahlia (2006)

Brian DePalma’s hugely theatrical adaptation of James Ellroy’s dark novel is one of the most criminally misunderstood movies in recent memory. Advertised as a film based on the real-life events surrounding L.A.’s most notorious unsolved murders, audiences and critics were instead treated to the pulpy, operatic descent into darkness of two 1940s L.A. cops (Aaron Eckhart and Josh Hartnett) and the woman they both love (Scarlett Johansson). Flamboyant camerawork and extravagant set design apparently weren’t enough to clue people in that this was meant to be a lusty and overheated soap opera set against the backdrop of a sick and twisted Hollywood. This is black noir the likes of which have never been seen, and the exaggerated acting by all involved is just part of the fun. This one is destined for a re-evaluation.

2. Speed Racer

To dismiss one of the most inventive movies in recent memory as a candy-colored assault on the senses is missing the point completely. This groundbreaking offering from the Wachowski brothers was unfairly bashed like no other movie last year. Like most films that are ahead of their time, though, I’m sure that “Speed Racer” will have its day. Rather than depicting reality, 14 different effects houses worked together to create a new form of “layered unreality” where nothing that is seen on the screen can actually exist in real life. The goal? A live-action interpretation of Japanese anime. The effects teams literally pieced together layer upon layer, essentially becoming the production design heads and “virtual” cinematographers. The pacing is frenetic, and the movie is probably too long for its own good, but as a bold experiment in storytelling, nothing else from last year is as invigorating.

1. Broken Flowers (2005)

Jim Jarmusch’s “Broken Flowers” tackles life’s ambiguous big picture and comes up with– guess what?– more ambiguity. A compelling portrait of loneliness tied together by a mystery plot, this meditative film has a wide-open array of interpretations. What it does subtly and surely, by putting Bill Murray’s eminently likable face on a character who stands in for our own existential nightmares, is ask us to face our own past and future. Does examining one’s regret require a complete flameout like Murray’s unfortunate Don Johnston, or will the inevitable march of time deal us cards of redemption? Murray keeps his hand close to his chest, wearing his best Poker face, and standing in for the viewer throughout. Devious in its simplicity, “Broken Flowers” has two transcendent moments of truth for every one silly and charming moment. Murray is alternately heartbreaking and hilarious in a role that Jarmusch wrote specifically for him, and there are no two better supporting performances in 2005 than the ones by Frances Conroy and Jeffrey Wright.

Tags: films, new, overlooked, overlooked movies, ten, top, Top 10 Lists, Top 10 Overlooked Movies of the Last Five Years, top ten, underappreciated

I know what you’re thinking: “Great. Here’s another list of terrible comedies for idiot potheads to watch as they stuff their faces with commercial snack products and contribute nothing to the world.” That’s exactly what you’re thinking. I know it is. And you’re wrong. I’ve smoked a decent amount of pot in my life, and I tend to view it as something more meaningful than most of the casual and even committed smokers I know. I think if the only thing you get out of it is the giggles and the munchies, you’re really missing out. Smoke a bowl and take a hike in the woods. Cook. Draw something. Or just watch one of these movies.

If you have an idea for your own Top 10, email Eric at eric@scene-stealers.com.

10. Adventureland (2009)

For me, one of the biggest pleasures I experience when watching a movie is any moment of recognition. It’s one of those weird stipulations of effective writing, wherein the more specific you make something, the more universal it becomes (it’s also what makes so much of the comedy in the Judd Apatow-related films work so well). That being said, Greg Mottola’s “Adventureland” is my favorite film of the year so far, and it landed a spot on this list for one reason: it has, to my knowledge, the best representation of realizing you’re high ever put on film. That’s right. Forget “Harold and Kumar” and “Cheech and Chong.” About halfway in, there’s a scene in which the main character, James Brennan (Jesse Eisenberg), is sharing a joint after hours with the resident bimbo at their place of employment. I won’t spoil it with some turgid explanation, but anyone that has ever smoked pot will recognize that scene as pitch perfect.

9. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971)

Now, just because I think there’s more to get out of smoking pot than laughter and an increased appetite does not mean I view either as unworthy, unpleasant consequences. Here is a film that plays to one of those effects quite intensely while simultaneously bombarding the viewer with an ass-load of psychedelic imagery and eccentricity guaranteed to enhance any stoned experience. There’s only one other children’s film on this list that is more trippy than this one and I think that fact speaks to the true nature of a marijuana high (apart from the aforementioned “giggles and munchies”). I don’t know if this goes for everyone, but after I smoke, I tend to behold all things with a child-like sense of wonder and watching this film as a stoned adult really brings you back to that innocent perceptual capacity you once had as a child. It’s a nice way to renew your imagination. Also, that edible room looks damn tasty.

8. Punch-Drunk Love (2002)

Paul Thomas Anderson is one of my favorite filmmakers. So is Stanley Kubrick. “Punch-Drunk Love,” PTA’s Adam Sandler vehicle from ‘02, is a really eccentric, subverted rom-com with the aesthetic–albeit a slightly warmer tone–of a Kubrick film. Also, it’s the first time Adam Sandler did anything worth discussing and it just so happened to be fucking fantastic. Now, we saw more of that brilliance in “Funny People” (another great Apatow film), but I fear we might not see it again for another half a decade. In any case, why is this film a distinguished viewing necessity for any stoner? No one smokes in the film. No one even mentions it. In fact, smoking a joint is probably the furthest thing from a possibility for the main character. However, the film is gorgeous to look at, ambitious, strange, and the soundtrack is just right (“He Needs Me,” anyone?). I keep referring to the heightened emotional acuity you acquire after smoking, and smoking before you watch this film is laying down the foundation for an exceptional experience.

7. The Lion King (1994)

Children’s films and television shows are often said to function as entertainment for both their target audience and stoned adults. Sometimes, this dual purpose almost seems intended (“Puff the Magic Dragon,” “H.R. Pufnstuf”), but I find that kind of transparent pandering to be a little annoying and I avoid it. “The Lion King,” on the other hand, makes no clear attempt to entertain that specific demographic and for that reason–you guessed it–it winds up doing exactly that! The opening sequence alone is sufficient evidence for its placement on this list, and that’s not just because it has bright colors and loud music. I mean, it certainly does have beautiful imagery and a huge musical number, but they serve to provide an impeccable visual and emotional context for the film: a film that made me cry when I saw it in theaters as a little boy. Hopefully, a recurring theme on this Top 10 will be the heightened emotional acuity one undertakes when high (a phenomenon known as pseudo-profundity). Every meager emotional brush stroke has the potential to floor you and any philosophical inkling has the potential to make sense of it all. “Circle of Life”? You bet your ass.

6. The Last Temptation of Christ (1987)

This may seem like an odd choice to some, but I’ll rest my case on a few key elements that make this film perfect viewing for someone under the influence of tetrahydrocannabinol. First of all, the film is moving and beautiful to begin with, so seeing it high elevates these dimensions to a staggering level. I’m as secular as they come, but this is an artful, mature portrayal of Christ (as I’m sure you’ve been made aware in the 20+ years since its release) and it really hits home. There’s the soundtrack by Peter Gabriel that is at once both chaotic and heartbreaking. The way the Palm Sunday sequence is scored is so goddamn glorious I can hardly stand it after I’ve cleared a bowl. With this movie, Scorsese achieved something I’m certain he never envisioned: a religious experience for pot-smoking atheists. Thanks, Marty.

5. The Wizard of Oz (1939)

This and “Willy Wonka” really are cut from the same cloth. It’s almost cheating putting them on the same list, but I couldn’t bring myself to choose one and wind up shortchanging the other. What do I even need to tell you about this movie to make my case? Everyone in the world has seen it and almost everyone in the world has smoked weed. The film has its drug references, but that has nothing to do with its appropriateness in this particular category (’cause we all know heroin and marijuana are on opposite ends of the spectrum). I’m not going to say this is good high viewing because of the color palette or the music, although those things don’t hurt. No. It’s great high viewing because there’s a complete, wonderful world created onscreen and it’s an ideal place to be. Smoke a bowl and tell me you’re not there. “There’s no place like home.” And there’s no place like Oz on some cush.

4. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

Much in the same vein as “Punch-Drunk Love,” Michel Gondry’s “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” is a remarkably moving, visually exciting, inventive masterpiece starring a comedic actor in his best performance ever. So, again, why is a film such as this a valid entry on this list? And why did that rhyme? I’ll answer the former. It’s not because the film is jam-packed with personified imagination in the form of crazy, true-to-their-meaning special effects. It’s because, like so many other films I’ve mentioned, there’s beauty in it. That’s the reason I chose this instead of Gondry’s other visual masterpiece, “The Science of Sleep.” That’s a great film, too, but it’s nowhere near this one in terms of lasting emotional impact. And impact is what it’s all about, here. Why limit oneself to shitty, low-brow comedies and potato chips? Why not watch something really terrific and spend some goddamn time in the kitchen?

3. Immortal Beloved (1994)

I smoked a lot of pot when I was younger. Then, inexplicably, I stopped. Out of nowhere (and due to some pretty shaky reasoning), I called it quits and didn’t so much as take a hit for about two and a half years. But things happen. People mature. So, when I started smoking again about a year and a half ago, I had a lot to catch up on. And there were two things I wanted to experience under the influence more than anything (things like sex and mountain climbing are best delegated to sober me). Number 1: “Plainsong” by The Cure. And number 2: “Immortal Beloved.” Ignoring the film’s richness and imaginative excess, I had honed in on one scene which cultivated in me an agonizing eagerness: near the end of his life, during a concert, Ludwig Van Beethoven (Gary Oldman) imagines (or remembers with a bit of embellishment?) himself as a young boy escaping his father’s wrath and running to a pool in the middle of the forest near his home. He takes off his shirt and shoes and lies down in the water. As “Ode to Joy” plays on the soundtrack, the camera pulls back and reveals the boy in a sea of stars. It’s goddamn breathtaking. And seeing it high for the first time, I thought my head was going to explode.

2. Ponyo (2009)

“Jellyfish float freely as schools of brightly colored fish swim by. Their movements are balletic. Pockets of color burst intermittently and there are innumerable fantastic creatures gliding above and scurrying atop the seabed. There’s a tall man with long, flowing red hair standing inside a giant bubble at the edge of some kind of aquatic vehicle. He’s squirting droplets of golden liquid onto the ground which explode into rainbows.” Read the full article here.

1. 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)

Throwing caution to the wind, I will now make a definitive statement: Stanley Kubrick’s “2001: A Space Odyssey” is the best movie one could possibly watch while high. Period. The idea for this very list came to me while watching it. And I knew then, too, that it would be number one. I knew that even before it got to the kaleidoscopic-dimension-shifting segment. Watching “The Dawn of Man,” I was convinced. One of the many strengths of this movie is its willingness to leave so much open. Not open to interpretation, mind you, but to projection. There isn’t a scene throughout with anything mapped out for the viewer. It’s all lovingly crafted, thought-provoking, visually superb empty space. And what better than a drug-addled mind to fill in all those gaps? With the circumstances delineated in this Top 10, you sit there and think, “Why do other activities exist? Why can’t getting high and watching this exact movie be the goal of every human life?” Perhaps I’m exaggerating, but you give this one a shot and tell me you’re not enraptured. I don’t even think you have to smoke pot regularly to see why this is the obvious, rightful choice. Evidence? Moments before I was about to watch it high for the first time, I caught Eric online and sent him an instant message. I explained the situation to him and, while I’m having trouble recalling his exact words, his sentiment was clear: “Godspeed.”

Tags: best, films, funniest, High, list, movies, pot, stoned, stoner, ten, top, Top 10 Lists, Watch, weed, when, While, you're

Warren J. Cantrell is back again. Our prolific contributor of verbose Top 10s has written so many lists for Scene-Stealers that he’s actually started his own site, 10rant.com. We’re glad to have him back with a fantastic list of the best boats in movie history. If you’ve got an idea for your own Top 10, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Warren:

Like any true man, there are few things I like more than a good boat. Liquor, outdoor meat-grilling, and a good explosion aside, there’s few things in this world more precious to me than the charms afforded to a man at sea. That you can combine all of the aforementioned pleasantries together to form a rollicking, drunk-by-noon BBQ and depth-charge party is what makes life worth living, and is what keeps me motivated to continue getting out of bed each morning. It’s no secret that boats are pretty friggin’ awesome, the plot options afforded to stories which utilize the lakes and oceans around us are diverse in both action and suspense possibilities. This list recognizes only the best offerings from the aquatic realm, ranking boats sometimes above even the picture in which they appeared. Indeed, this isn’t a list assessing maritime films, but rather a grading of the sweetest, most bad-ass yet thematically relevant vessels in movie history. Thus, while a rocking movie, the Alabama from “Crimson Tide” fails to make the cut as it was little more than an average, mutiny-ridden submarine with no particular charms outside the ordinary. Likewise, the patrol boat in “Apocalypse Now” was sturdy, but never really did anything except show up in a sweet movie and bail before the good stuff started. Also, Wesley’s ship Revenge (”The Princess Bride”) missed the cut as it was never really seen except in long shots, and proved little about its capabilities except that it was fast. With that in mind, I argue for…

10. Red October, The Hunt For Red October (1990)

Make no mistake about it: this is one hell of a ship. Aside from the fact that it gets immediate points because Sean Connery is at the wheel, the boat is tip-top in pretty much every way. Sure, it’s a little big and unwieldy, but it’s also near-silent, nuclear-equipped, brand-spanking-new, and capable of withstanding a full-fledged pistol battle within the weapons hold. Submarines are all pretty awesome anyway, but to accomplish all of the above and carry upon your back the mighty weight of a Baldwin (Alec) AND a Bond: now that’s saying something. And while it is a little big, let’s not forget that this thing ran the equivalent of a blindfolded underwater obstacle course with a torpedo on its ass and came out alright, not to mention that it totally walked the gauntlet of the combined American and Soviet fleets to get into Maine untouched by aggressive damage. The Red October survived all of this, as well as a saboteur raising all kinds of hell inside the guts of the beast, persevering against enemies both outside and in. We’re talking about a ship that had it in its power to start World War III with its eyes closed, so take time to recognize this boat’s capacities, as well as its accomplishments, as it’s one hell of a craft.

9. Jenny, Forrest Gump (1994)

Though Forrest and his vessel didn’t get off to a very good start, a freak hurricane and Lieutenant Dan calling out God Almighty from Jenny’s crow’s nest seemed to get the two on pretty good terms. And really, what else can you say about a ship except that it keeps you safe, and if you’re really lucky, also helps to make you filthy stinking rich? Not only did this plucky little bastard weather a storm that saw every other boat in the region go down like a fat chick on prom night, but it helped transform the movie’s protagonist into a Fortune-500 captain of industry. Make no mistake about it: this ship changed everything for Gump. Though something of a bottom-tier sports celebrity before embarking on his fishing endeavor, it was Jenny’s shrimp bonanza that put Gump on a fast-track to top-hat-and-monocle-level wealth. True, it wasn’t all roses for Alabama’s favorite son after that, what with the loss of his mother and childhood sweetheart: but don’t forget that Buttercup didn’t come running back until our man had pocketed himself a hefty fortune. Indeed, true to form, once the checks start rolling in at steady intervals and a dude gets into better shape as a result of a half dozen or so jogs across the United States, that which was once unattainable suddenly wants to screw. Of course, like any broad, she takes off until the flab is run off the love-handles, but remember that it was the ship Jenny that got the real one to come around, and considering what it went through at the hands of a mildly-retarded man-child (the fucking thing went through a dock for Chrissakes), that it floated around long enough to produce anything is amazing.

8. The fishing boat, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (1975)

Speaking of boats helping out the slight of mind, there are few crafts that have done more for a group of fellas than this one. In the book the fishing trip is much more formal, with R.P. McMurphy requesting (and receiving) permission to take the group out on a supervised fishing trip for therapeutic purposes. With Jack, however, there can be no such compromise, his read on Kesey’s noblest creation taking full advantage of the character’s metaphoric undertones. As his character’s initials imply, Nicholson’s R.P. McMurphy is all drive, all force and momentum: revving up the intensity of life in the small psych ward to levels intolerable for the sado-masochistic nurse running the show. Every time McMurphy slouches during group therapy or fails to snap to attention once Ratched starts turning up the heat, he is performing an act of defiance. For each argument and transgression, a small dent in the institution’s seemingly perfect façade appears, smudges on nurse station window far more profound than one might imagine. Though he went a little too far with the all-night bender at the end, what with Billy killing himself and all, he found the perfect balance of defiant rebellion and therapeutic recreation with the escape and unapproved fishing trip. Enough of a transgression to get in trouble though obviously positive enough of an experience for the medical staff not to condemn it too bitterly, with the fishing boat McMurphy scored a victory, albeit temporary, against an unholy bitch. This alone makes it a noteworthy entrant.

7. The riverboat, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971)

I don’t know what I like more about this scene: the creepy-as-shit song Wonka’s singing just off key, or the fact that he closes out that same song by screaming an unholy wail of the damned. The ship truly makes the moment, however, the spinning and gyrating mess of a vessel the product of a decade of doing way too much coke. The thing has both a canopy and a Mississippi River-style steamboat paddle engine, yet by all indications it’s powered solely by the galley-slave Oompa Loompas at the rear. Wonka’s boat is not only the creepiest and most fantastic ship that’s ever floated on a chocolate river, but it’s also quite the psychological tool. Even though a child had nearly drowned up to that point, the contestants and their children are all still relatively at peace, two of the fathers even swapping small talk about their respective business endeavors. That shit’s all over once Uncle Willy cranks up the paddle wheel and occult music, the boat entering some kind of nexus within time and space whereby all manner of acid-trippy shit goes down in the skies above. Not only is the ship able to withstand this madness, it comes out completely unfazed on the other side: none of its passengers are worse for wear. Now that’s a boat! Not only does it temporarily quiet and humble the whiny bitches following Wonka around, but it also succeeds in totally blowing their collective minds: well done, boat!

6. Suck My Wake, The Great Outdoors (1988)

The powerboat Roman rents in this film is the perfect aquatic embodiment of Dan Aykroyd’s character: a loud, abrasive, high-octane vehicle operating in territory ill-equipped for such a striking presence. Rightly condemning the proposal to hire a pontoon boat, Aykroyd quickly gets to work shattering the peaceful calm of John Candy’s vacation by refashioning each aspect of the trip into a twisted version of his own money-driven personality. Innocent marital coitus is transformed into 80s amateur porn, hot dogs get upgraded into lobster tails, nights out to dinner evolve into gut-busting flesh carnivals, and low-speed family cruises on the lake turn into high-speed water-skiing trials. And I, for one, feel there’s nothing wrong with that. The boat is a more-than-appropriate metaphor for the larger issue at stake: Candy’s refusal to relax and live a little. Prior to the incident with Suck My Wake, J.-Can had little to show for his trip aside from two bored sons and a sad, pathetic life. After skimming the water at what looked like fifty knots on one ski with easily 300 pounds in tow, the man almost certainly became a community God, a reputation that had to have been cemented after his victory over the ol’ 96er. Aykroyd and Suck My Wake were all that was necessary to transform an average urban father into a low-level deity, proving definitively that a boat can indeed make a man cooler. The pilot of the next boat needed no such assistance, however …

5. Q-Boat, The World Is Not Enough (1999)

Though lacking a deeper intrinsic purpose than some of the ships on this list, James Bond’s Q-Boat is unavoidably cool, and the pinnacle of gadget-boat technology. Chasing down some bitch knee-deep in some international espionage shit, Bond catches sight of her hopping on a Sunseeker that’s tearing ass down the Thames. Not to be outdone by some broad with twin-mounted machine guns on her ride, Bond commandeers one of Q’s ships from MI6 and gives chase in a mini-boat equipped with a max speed at around 80 mph, heat-seeking torpedoes, digital readouts, and submersible capabilities. Yeah, this boat just made anything you’ve ever put to sea look like Tom Hanks’ raft from “Cast Away.” Unstoppable little bastard that it is, the Q-Boat catches sick air as well as gets a bunch of stuffy socialites wet as it pursues the villain, catching up to ‘Cigar Girl’ at the base of a giant hot air balloon. Points are deducted because the intended target got away at the end of the chase, and by “got away” I mean she killed herself rather than be taken alive. Because the boat failed in its intended purpose, it does not achieve the ranks of, say, the top three. However, stocked with an undeniably awesome complement of dangerous toys, bitching features, and righteous top speeds, the Q-Boat earns a spot, setting a fairly high bar for all Bond boats to come.

4. Belafonte, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou (2004)

Not only is the Belafonte a boat with bells and whistles to spare, but it is the perfect metaphor for a larger dynamic at play in this film, and for the world Wes Anderson’s meticulously constructed throughout his career. First things first, however: talk about a ship that has every conceivable amenity locked down to near-perfection! Sure, Goldblum’s yacht and research sea-lab are arguably better as it concerns the technology involved, but Zissou’s ship is the one that gets the screen-time explanation, hence the world will never know if Hennessey’s shit was wired tighter. Among other things, the Belafonte has a sauna, massage tables, helicopter and launch pad, mini-sub, editing room, dolphin storage, a safe, and a healthy side-arm complement. In the hands of a capable, if occasionally stoned, captain, the vessel gets its crew through a whole host of traumas including a shark attack, maritime theft mission, pirate raid, and documentary film. Also, much like Wes Anderson’s rich and textured universe, the ship exists as a slightly-skewed safe haven from reality: that place where the real world collides with the fantastic, and the fantastic stands triumphant at the end of the day. All of Mr. Anderson’s films operate in the same fashion, offering an improbable set of characters in the audience’s actual world, where eccentricities collide against well-worn expectation. Like the Belafonte, the characters in this film as well as those in “Rushmore,” “Tenenbaums,” “Bottle Rocket,” and “Darjeeling” run head-long into the real world (our world), yet transcend the bounds none of us ever will, and find the insight and peace we can only taste via observation. This ship, like the fantasy of life we engage in when we watch Wes Anderson’s pictures, can never be capsized or overcome, the safety it provides both a shield and weapon to combat the incursions of a world fighting against the wonderfully absurd.

3. Molly Aida, Fitzcarraldo (1982)

I’ve said on many occasions that while I appreciate historical accuracy in a motion picture, I do not feel it is a requisite component when crafting an awesome period piece. Werner Herzog, the magnificent bastard that he is, heard something about the factual Peruvian rubber baron Carlos Fitzcarrald taking a ship into a remote part of the jungle during the early 20th century, and figured the real story wasn’t quite cool enough. Assuming that a deeper, metaphorical take on the story allowed for a more complex and emotional narrative, Herzog discarded the practical, factual element of the tale and turned it into a laborious shoot more grueling than the original historical endeavor. While the real Carlos just took his steamer apart and hiked it over an isthmus to the other side for reassembly, Herzog thought it far more dramatic and manly to physically winch an actual (not prop or scale model) 320-ton mass of steel and iron over a very real mountain. Of course the director felt special effects cheapened the experience, thus the audience watches genuine, non-staged scenes of a real steamboat getting hauled over a very real mountain by people holding very real death lusts for the maniacal Herzog. This ship gets props here for its audacity, for not only is the vessel an actual, serviceable ship that did indeed swim for a number of its own shots, but it blew its historical predecessor out of the water (pun totally intended). Fitzcarrald’s ship was in the neighborhood of 30 tons, almost 300 tons smaller than Herzog’s boat, and the crazy Dane didn’t even take his shit apart to get from A to B! Any movie that sports a vessel that can out-awesome its historical predecessor, and do so in a manner that leaves all the smoke and mirrors at home: that’s a ship worth recognizing.

2. Nautilus, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (1954)

This thing’s rocking a pipe organ, viewing window, electrical defense force-field, and a god-damned nuclear engine in a film that was made in 1954, one year before the U.S. put its first glowing sub in the water (coincidentally named the USS Nautilus, SSN-571). For a film released by Disney right in the armpit of Eisenhower’s conformity utopia, the picture uses the boat and its crew to throw around some fairly serious messages regarding political dissention. To hell with The Black Pearl: this was Disney’s crowning aquatic contribution. Captain Nemo’s crew is obedient to their master, a captain that delights in the murder of other rival sailors in the name of preventing a greater evil in the days to come. True, most remember the ship’s epic struggle with a giant squid, one which by all accounts has to go in the boat’s favor as it was still standing at the end of the day, but take a closer look at the man-to-man fights in this picture. Nemo is not officially at war or under the sanction of any sovereign nation, yet does not see this as any reason to prevent him from acting as a rogue agent of justice, dispensing the will of the righteous in a sleek underwater death-boat. He uses the ship not only to prevent an enemy nation’s vessel from delivering dangerous war-time supplies, but also to avenge the loss of his family, the whole lot of them murdered by the countrymen of his newly-vanquished foes. For a United States very recently out of the fetid shadows of McCarthy hearings and larger arguments over ends justifying means, the questions posed by a captain, his blindly obedient crew, and a “modern” ship have rarely been more profound (and difficult to properly answer).

1. Orca, Jaws (1975)

There’s never been a smaller boat for so big a job than that which was presented to Quint’s craft in “Jaws.” True to its name and the beast’s reputation as the only natural aggressor to the mighty Great White, the Orca takes absolutely no shit from the 25 ft. leviathan stalking its perimeter, going head to head with the demonic beast during every step of their timeless battle. Though Brody quipped that, yes, maybe a bigger boat would be appropriate to slay a fish roughly the same length as their vessel’s hull, the guy was by his own admission a land-loving scaredy-cat, and didn’t understand the basic human truth surrounding a man’s need to conquer that which has transgressed the traditional natural order. When one of God’s beasts steps to you, and starts encroaching upon humanity’s domain, a man needs to stand up, draw nails over a chalk-board, grab the attention of the checkbooks in town, and get to fucking work putting the world right again. The Orca’s quest to smite a shark who’d transitioned out of the larger cosmic order was a fight not only to ensure man’s proper place atop the food chain, but to reclaim the most sacred of human traditions: killing those things which frighten you. Our fathers and theirs before them and so on before that, all understood that if an animal has the capacity to kill a person and is doing so on a fairly regular basis, the best thing for all involved is to put the uppity creature out of its misery. Like Ahab and his Pequod, Quint knew that such an epic struggle could end with only the beast or the man avenging their destiny at the bottom of the drink, and it’s the Orca that ultimately facilitated the chief getting the job done in the end. Unlike the Moby Dick’s ambiguous end, there can be no mistake that with her final moment above the drink’s lip, the Orca helped blow that shark cocksucker straight back to hell, propelling man back into his proper, well-deserved place atop the world (until the sequel).

Tags: aquatic, best, films, list, movie, sea, ships, ten, Top 10 Boats in Film, Top 10 Coolest Boats in Movie History, Top 10 Lists

Just after Scene-Stealers panned Rob Zombie’s “Halloween II” (a nice discussion about the movie is brewing right here, by the way) and since I included two horror movies (one from this list) on a list of Top 10 Pointless Remakes, we have received a passionate plea for respect of the modern horror remake pandemic. Bill Heinen has jumped into the fray, defending these films on his own terms, and has produced this list of the Top 10 Best Modern Horror Remakes. If you have a list you’d like to contribute, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Bill:

Well, here we are right after opening weekend for both “The Final Destination” and “Halloween II” and just before my favorite cinematic time of the year: the Fall, or as I like to call it, “horror season.” After both thriving and then dying in the 80s, only to be resurrected (somewhat, but never to the extent of the 80s) in the mid 90s, slasher films are back, and remakes of some classic slashers are popping up all over the place. (If you’re really into the history of the slasher, I recommend “Going to Pieces,” one of the best horror docs I’ve ever seen.)

In just the past five years, we’ve had three classic horror films - including the father of all slashers - completely overhauled with a sleeker, glossier, and one could easily say, sexier approach. And there are plenty more coming, including a new take on Freddy Krueger as more a pedophile and less a dream-monster in the upcoming “A Nightmare on Elm Street,” and Shannon Elizabeth playing every horror nerd’s favorite party hostess, Angela, in the “Night of the Demons” remake. I’ve been looking into a lot of online rumors about horror remakes that are yet to come, including Raimi’s absolutely fantastic cult classic “The Evil Dead,” to a new, improved Chucky in a “Child’s Play” remake. And, like me, most horror fans are somewhat irritated, hoping producers shouldn’t tread on films that are far from perfect, and yet perfect in their own ridiculous ways.

I personally am a huge fan of cheesy 80s horror films - you know, the ones with zero plot, fake-looking blood all over the screen, a lot of barely-clad coeds, and someone with a vendetta, a power-saw, a screwdriver, a drill, and of course, the ol’ standby, a nice big knife. That said, because I’m such a fan of these films, and by no means a tenured film critic, I have to give Hollywood some credit for at least making some interesting remakes that may not do the original film justice, but are a bloody good time in their own right. So, because we have plenty more to look forward to (or dread, depending on where you stand when it comes to these movies), here’s a list of my top 10 horror remakes thus far. Final Note: I am not going to dive into the plots of most of these, just my reasons for thinking they are decent remakes. Enjoy, and bring on the comments.

10. Shutter (2008)

Yes, Joshua Jackson is in a horror film. Yes, it is a remake of a Japanese horror flick, and many horror connoisseurs claim that Japanese horror is the best horror. I am definitely not one of them. And yes, this movie has some wonderfully creepy moments. One thing I loved about this very underrated movie is that the ghost isn’t grotesquely scary, i.e. “The Ring” or “The Grudge”; faces don’t get morphed into frozen expressions of sheer terror. The film is a little more subtle than that. Instead, we get (pardon the expression) snapshots of a supernatural nature. In the vein of films such as “Stir of Echoes” and “What Lies Beneath,” our photo-friendly ghost leaves clues for Jackson’s wife, helping her discover an ugly truth about her husband’s past. It is kind of predictable, but the moments of discovery in this film are actually unsettling, culminating in Jackson’s realization at the end that the source of his neck pain is more than just a bad mattress. I could watch that scene again and again. Not a great film, but good enough to hit number 10 on the list.

9. Night of the Living Dead (1990)

Just so we’re clear, I am talking about the remake directed by Tom Savini (the makeup and effects god of horror/slasher cinema), not the horribly crappy 3D version that should have never, ever been made. Savini knows horror; he’s had a hand in tons of slashers since the original “Friday the 13th,” and he understands what this kind of audience wants: blood, and lots of it. There are plenty of heads lopped off, limbs scattered and flung around, and, of course, zombies ravenously eating the living. Barbara isn’t a neurotic nut-job like she is in Romero’s classic; instead, she’s blowing away zombies left and right, taking charge of the situation and calling out orders like a platoon sergeant. While I think the original is probably one of the best horror films ever made, Savini had fun with this and it shows.

8. Quarantine (2008)

This one is actually closest to its source material, the Spanish film “[Rec].” If you haven’t seen the original, check it out. Even with subtitles, it’s fantastic. I saw this movie in a huge theatre and made the mistake of sitting in the front row. I can handle rollercoasters just fine, and this film, at that vantage point, made me dizzy as hell. When I rented it and watched it from the comfort of my couch, I realized it really is pretty dizzying regardless. But so is the original. Like “28 Days Later,” one of the best zombie films ever made (and completely redefined the genre, but that is for another discussion), this movie deals with an infection that rapidly spreads and immediately changes one’s nature as opposed to having the dead rise from their graves in search of tasty flesh. A fair amount of violence and gore, a LOT of jump scares (which I still think are the best kind), and plenty of terrifying night-vision episodes of cat-and-mouse, hunter-and-the-hunted sort of thing. I liked it a lot more than I expected to, so it makes the cut at number 8.

7. Last House on the Left (2009)

OK, so the original somehow, and I have no idea how, seemed so much more tame after viewing this remake. Probably because it was filmed in 1972 and there were a lot of barriers that Wes Craven couldn’t cross, as groundbreaking as it was. I can barely stand to watch rape onscreen, and LHOTL’s unrated version had a pretty long rape, the worst part being that instead of explicitly showing the event, we hear it, we see the sweat and dirt on the victim’s forehead and chin, her knuckles fruitlessly grasping at leaves, and the rapist’s son watching with a blend of horror, guilt, and the calm of a Zen monk. You can feel this scene, and it’s gut-wrenching. I don’t want to sound like a sadist here, but watching the murders of the rapist’s friends later is actually a lot of fun, his brother’s death being my favorite (a bottle of wine and a hammer in the head, plus a few fingers in the kitchen sink? awesome. fucking awesome). Yes, the ending is lame (and by that I mean the going off into the sunrise and ‘everything’s gonna be ok’ part, NOT the microwaved face, which was great), but it works overall.

6. Dawn of the Dead (2004)

I really don’t need to justify this being number 6 on the list, I just need to say two words: zombie baby. That’s right, a fuckin’ screaming, shitting, flesh-eating zombie baby. This movie didn’t have the sociological commentary like the original (claiming consumers are much like zombies, people in death do what they did in life, as in shop compulsively without knowing why, etc.), but what it did have was a lot of action. And I mean a LOT. The movie starts with a bang, probably one of my favorite horror intros ever, and only lets up a few times when everyone is in the mall doing somewhat “human” things. The escape from the mall in the armored truck with chainsaws taking out body parts all over the place was pretty great too. And Sarah Polley is not too hard to look at, especially when she’s kicking undead ass.

5. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

Leatherface is one of the most mysterious horror icons. He apparently is the product of a bunch of ass-backward inbred butchers who decided a while back to stay in a deserted Texas town and murder and eat anyone unlucky enough to stumble across their way. Still, it’s never explained what prompts this individual to wear other people’s faces or hunt them down with a chainsaw - a very heavy, not-too-pragmatic murder weapon. The remake came out 29 years after the original, and while the first had plenty of scary, shocking moments, this one beats it with more violence, more gore, and waaaayyyy more cruelty. Slamming a bag of salt on an amputated leg while hanging him on a meathook … ouch. The movie had a lot of chases, with Jessica Biel having to run and fight with all she has. By the end, after the ordeal she’s had, after seeing her boyfriend’s peeled face hanging off his killer’s head, after killing her friend to ease his pain, it’s actually somewhat believable that she becomes such a badass and kills the fuck out of the sheriff. This is truly one of those very rare horror remakes that I ended up liking more than the original.

4. My Bloody Valentine 3D (2009)

This remake is a LOT of fun, and it is, without a doubt, the best 3D horror film ever made. Not like that’s saying a ton, but it’s something. Just like the original, the town thinks Harry Warden is dead and gone, and then the murders start up all over again. And in both films, the killer isn’t Harry at all (well, in the beginning of both films it is, but not at the conclusion). So the remake kept that part of the original … and that’s about it. The deaths in the original were more left up to the viewer’s imagination, whereas in the remake, through 3D lenses, we get to view eyeballs popping out, guts being strewn all over porches, and pickaxes flying towards us. It’s violent as all hell, it’s reckless and gory, and it’s basically a lot of running and killing. My kind of movie.

3. Halloween II (2009)

I am not pleased with two things in this movie, so I’m gonna list those first:

1. The first scene. It really doesn’t set the stage well. It showcases some bad acting from Sheri Moon Zombie, and the young Michael isn’t as evil-looking as Daeg from Zombie’s “Halloween.”

2. The mother/son Freudian thing and the Jungian/archetype thing with the white horse. Just didn’t work for me one bit. I thought it was pretty much a waste of time, though I guess it somewhat explained Myers’ purpose.

OK, that being said, I loved this movie. Now, I am biased, as I think Rob Zombie is the best horror director out there today, but it was fucking fantastic. As with his first “Halloween,” you really feel the force of Myers’ stabs, and it’s impressive and scary just how strong and powerful he is. Somehow, Zombie makes it hurt to watch, and it is graphic, but only for glimpses and seconds at a time. The original “Halloween II” (1981) took place entirely in a dimly-lit hospital with Jamie Lee Curtis basically hiding the entire time. It was somewhat scary, but not nearly as much as the first film. Though the hospital scene in Zombie’s is about 10 minutes long, it is by far scarier and more realistic than original director Rick Rosenthal’s. When she is stuck in the guard’s booth in the rainy dead of the night and Michael is slashing away at the walls, it’s hard not to feel how helpless Laurie really is. Annie’s death scene may be one of the most tragically sad and horrific scenes in the series, and her murder isn’t even completely shown onscreen. Laurie’s transformation from all-American good girl to understanding her true roots (“Angel O Myers”) is fairly devastating and uncomfortable, and you feel more empathy for her than any other Zombie character, in my opinion. Finally, this film will piss off a LOT of horror fans, or fans of Rob Zombie; it’s not simply a slasher movie, it’s a very artistic/archetypal/symbolic version of a slasher movie. That being said, I thought it was done in a beautifully horrific manner, with some shots that are hauntingly pulchritudinous.

2. Friday the 13th (2009)

OK, I might get some shit for the final two on my list, but I don’t care. There are plenty of reasons why I feel this remake was fantastic, and I’ll start with what my favorite kinds of horror films are all about: lots of breasts, lots of deaths. This movie was not only a damn good rehash of Crystal Lake massacres, it was basically a 90-minute homage to past films of the series. Instead of Jason’s mother being the killer throughout the entire movie, we see her for about a minute during the opening credits … and then we see her lose her head. I’ve talked to tons of my horror-nerd friends and we all agree that Jason is the centerpiece of the “Friday the 13th” world, not his mother, and we get both versions of Jason: potato-sack Jason, and of course, hockey-mask Jason. I’d say about half of the deaths in this film, while creative in their own right, definitely borrowed from previous films, which really excited me. Throughout my first viewing I kept thinking about how he jumped through the glass in part 5, how he used a bow and arrow (well, a harpoon really) in part 3, how he used a sleeping bag to kill someone in part 6, etc. It really was a lot of fun, and that’s what this franchise really is all about. Well, fun and buckets of blood, I suppose, but Glenn Danzig put it best when he was singing for Samhain as he chanted, “All murder, all guts, all fun.” Another thing I loved about this remake was that Jason was presented more as a highly-skilled hunter defending his land, and he defends it with a brutal force. Hell of a flick.

1. Halloween (2007)

I’m going to begin my explanation for our number one on the list by telling you all what my good friend and fellow horror guru (he actually knows WAY more about horror films than I) Kevin said after we left the theatre: “I’ve seen a lot of horror movies, and most of them in theatres, and I have never felt the way I feel right now after a movie. I have never seen something like that on screen.” And I couldn’t agree more. Rob Zombie gives us a brilliant retelling of not only the events in Carpenter’s classic boogeyman feature, but he allows us to understand that Michael Myers’ homicidal tendencies are not the result of a pagan curse or astrological anomalies (see “Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers”), it simply stems from an intensely fucked-up childhood. Malcolm McDowell was a genius choice for Dr. Loomis, played originally by the great Donald Pleasance, and he was a drawing point for many people that may not have gone to see this movie for any other reason. The movie is completely unapologetic, it is brutally in-your-face, and it doesn’t let up. At all. From young Myers beating a fellow classmate to death with a large stick to adult Myers chasing his sister through a decrepit, abandoned home, tearing up floorboards and constantly slashing inches behind her, this movie is incredibly intense. Of all the horror franchises, the “Halloween” films are my favorite. Something about Michael Myers is less hokey than Jason, less comical and silly than Freddy Krueger; he’s just evil incarnate, and he doesn’t even show a passion for killing. He simply kills. Zombie may not have used too much suspense or tension or cat-and-mouse tactics that made the original such a joy to watch, but he makes up for it with a sadistic intensity that I don’t believe any remake so far has matched.

Tags: 10, best, films, horror remakes, list, movies, slasher, ten, to, Top 10 Modern Horror Remakes, Top Ten Modern Horror Remakes

He’s appeared in ho-hum mainstream fare like “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button,” “Troy,” and “Meet Joe Black,” but it’s when Brad Pitt plays smaller roles that he’s able to really show off his acting chops—especially his impeccable comic timing (see this weekend’s #1 movie “Inglourious Basterds”). These 10 movies show that Pitt is a dangerous scene-stealing co-star, especially in quirkier material. Please enjoy my list of Brad Pitt’s Top 10 Supporting Performances. Click on the links to see video of each entry. If you have a list you’d like to contribute, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com.

10. Confessions of a Dangerous Mind (2002) Brad, Bachelor #1

In this Charlie Kaufman-penned directorial debut by George Clooney, Pitt cameos as a contestant named Brad on “The Dating Game,” alongside Matt Damon (who plays “Matt”). In the movie, Sam Rockwell portrays Chuck Barris, the creator of the show (and purportedly undercover CIA hitman) and the joke is that the slightly overweight dorky guy with the mustache wins the date over two superhunks because she can’t see them. There’s not much to the scene other than that one joke (which is why it’s at #10), but it just goes to show how synonymous Pitt is with good looks and how eager he is to lampoon that notion as much as possible. You’ll see how true that is when you get to the number-two entry on this list.

9. Snatch (2000) Mickey O’Neil

I’m not sure if it was a conscious choice to mock the bad reviews of his brogue in the standard and unremarkable Harrison Ford movie “The Devil’s Own,” but Pitt plays gypsy hustler-turned-bare-knuckle-fighter Mickey O’Neil with an Irish dialect that’s incomprehensible by just about every other person in this multi-character Guy Ritchie crime movie. The plot is pretty incomprehensible as well and uses a lot of Ritchie’s tricks from his previous “Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels,” but Pitt is hilarious, and sticks out the most in a movie so scuzzy and violent that dead bodies are fed to pigs.

8. Ocean’s Eleven (2001) Rusty Ryan

Pitt is the perfect comic foil to fast-talking Danny Ocean (George Clooney) in the first of three “Ocean’s” movies directed by Clooney pal Steven Soderbergh. Here Pitt takes advantage of his movie-star persona again, except this time he’s undercutting his handsome image and expensive wardrobe with a self-disparaging sense of humor and some pretty silly disguises. For someone who seems to have everything, Rusty has a problem holding on to money and he’s often seen eating something, although he rarely finishes. The “Ocean’s” series has resulted in to-be-expected diminishing returns, but Pitt’s witty banter with Clooney is always a highlight of each film. Here’s the scene where he and Clooney teach Topher “All Reds” Grace, Josh Jackson, and other young movie stars how to play poker.

7. Kalifornia (1993) Early Grayce

The premise sure is a lot of coincidence to accept, but Pitt still makes a memorable turn as a redneck parolee-turned-serial-killer who shares a cross country trip with an egghead grad student (David Duchovny) writing a book on … you guessed it … serial killers. While it’s somewhat of a crapshoot who is the lead character in this movie (like it is in the excellent “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward John Ford,” where Pitt’s James is in the title—further blurring the lines is the fact that Casey Affleck got a supporting actor nod even though he’s in the movie more than Pitt), I’m sticking with Pitt as the supporting player because it’s his actions that cause Duchovny’s character to re-evaluate his obsession. Pitt uses his movie-star charm to generate a good amount of empathy despite the mounting body count, playing against type but to his strengths again.

6. Babel (2006) Richard Jones

A contrived-but-vigorous ensemble drama directed by Alejandro González Iñárritu with a multinational cast, “Babel” was nominated for seven Oscars, but Best Supporting Actor was not one of them. Pitt plays an older, well-off American family man on vacation and in a rough patch in his marriage when his wife (Cate Blanchett) is suddenly hit by a stray bullet. Pitt showed a powerful combination of entitlement and desperation that we’ve never seen from him before. His anguish and rage was potent, and it was believable across the board even if his particular storyline was not as compelling as other characters—two of which (Rinko Kikuchi and Adriana Barazza) received supporting actress nominations instead. Here’s the HD trailer.

5. True Romance (1993) Floyd

Smoking pot out of a makeshift plastic honey bear bong, in nothing more than a cameo, Pitt steals the movie from a huge cast of heavyweights (Gary Oldman, Chistopher Walken, Dennis Hopper, Samuel L. Jackson, Val Kilmer) as Floyd, the clueless but merry stoner who rats out his roomie Dick (Michael Rapaport). Perhaps this was a hint of “Basterds” to come, since Quentin Tarantino wrote this Tony Scott-directed film. (Too bad he didn’t direct “True Romance” as well.) When future “Soprano” James Gandolfini comes by looking for Christian Slater’s main character Clarence, Floyd delivers one of the most quotable lines of the film as only a man of wealth and taste could: “They were here and then they said they were going to go there. And then they went.”

4. 12 Monkeys (1995) Jeffrey Goines

His first Academy Award nomination (and a Golden Globe win) came for this Terry Gilliam-directed thriller, where Pitt plays mental patient Jeffrey Goines, who turns out to be of central interest to the film’s lead character (played by Bruce Willis). Since the movie takes place in a bleak post-apocalyptic future where everybody lives underground, Pitt provides some much-needed levity with his wild ravings and jumping about (which include a full moon). The film gets a little bogged down with its constant flow of red herrings and take-backs, but Pitt still stands out as something fresh (if not pretty hammy) in “12 Monkeys,” which is an expanded version of the far-superior 1962 French short “La Jetée.”

3. Thelma & Louise (1991) J.D.

This is the second Scott brother-directed film on the list, only it was Tony’s older brother Ridley who directed a young Pitt in his breakthrough performance as a handsome young drifter named J.D. Geena Davis and Susan Sarandon are the title characters who encounter rampant sexism and get in a heap of trouble at every turn. Davis, however, finally indulges her sexual side during a hot night in a hotel room with the muscle-bound and shirtless J.D. He may have turned out to be a bank robber and stolen all of the road-tripping couple’s cash, but Pitt made a wildly favorable impression on moviegoers (especially female ones) everywhere. This is the movie that officially launched his career.

2. Burn After Reading (2008) Chad Feldheimer

If you thought Floyd from “True Romance” was dumb, wait until you see Pitt portray sweetly deficient gym employee Chad in this wickedly black Coen brothers comedy. The real irony here is that the combination of he and Clooney really got butts in the seats to see this Debbie Downer of a movie. The ads featured Pitt acting zany, jumping up and down, and getting punched in the face, making the movie look like a nutty romp. But when dorky little Chad exits the premises very suddenly, this existentialist comedy takes some unpredictably nightmarish turns. Best line: “I’m sorry to call you at this late hour but I thought you might be worried … about the security … of your shit.” Check it out and other of Pitt’s best moments from the film edited together here.

1. Inglourious Basterds (2009) Lt. Aldo Raine

Maybe it’s a little early to call this one, but I’m still reeling from the many unexpected pleasures of Tarantino’s newest genre twister. The previews hinted at Pitt’s redneck accent, but his perma-smirk and the pure relish he takes in killing Nazis (rhymes with gnat-sees) can only be matched by his unwavering confidence. Also, I know what you’re thinking and I’m way ahead of you: Yes, his is the supporting role—I don’t care what the posters and ads are selling. This is really the story of “The Jew Hunter” Col. Hans Landa (Christoph Waltz, another scene-stealer) and Shosanna Dreyfus (Mélanie Laurent), the young Jewish girl he once let go. Lt. Raine and his basterds are outliers. Hell, Raine doesn’t even get to participate in the final shootout! But Pitt’s delivery and timing are so funny in this movie that he gets laughs sometimes just for a look. Pitt’s really at the top of his game these days taking these quirky little roles and I sure hope he continues in this vein because he’s producing some of his best work to date. Start at :43.

Tags: best, brad, characters, ever, films, list, movies, performances, pitt, roles, Supporting, ten, top, Top 10 Brad Pitt Supporting Performances

Today’s list comes to us from Sean O’Connell, a New York City-based writer who also has also contributed his Top 10 Movie Brothers and Top 10 Rain Scenes. Thanks to Sean for another great list! If you have a Top 10 you’d like to contribute, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Sean:

Every day I take the subway to work, it is usually an hour commute into Manhattan. There is always this married couple that gets to the station the same time as me and are on the train for a majority of my ride. They look like the perfect couple on the outside, but it turns out the husband is a real jerk. He always blames her if they missed the train, or if they are running late, or he does not have enough money on him to get on the train. As he consistently blames her for everything short of the demise of the economy, she just sits there and takes the verbal abuse. So listening to them fight over the last six months got me to thinking, there have also been a lot of horrible husbands portrayed on the big screen. I know there have been some awful wives in Hollywood as well, but I am keeping this list dedicated to the awful husbands. Some honorable mentions that did not make the cut, Michael Caine in “Hannah & Her Sisters” (he has an affair with his wife’s sister), Ray Liota in “Goodfellas” (he cheats on his wife throughout the whole movie), and John Cassavetes in “Rosemary’s Baby” (he whores his wife out to the devil). So without further ado, here are the Top 10 Worst Husbands in Movie History.

10. Roy Neary - Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977)

I know right off the bat that many people will disagree with this one, but hear me out first. Forget the plot of the movie and just look at his actions. When we first see Roy Neary (Richard Dreyfuss), he is trying to teach his son how to do fractions. His wife Ronnie (Terry Garr) is cleaning the house trying to get her husband’s attention, while he just ignores her and gives one word answers to her questions. Then after Roy sees the UFOs, he wakes up his whole family to go see the site where he had his encounter. Ronnie does her best to believe him, and all she wants in return is to be held and kissed like they used to do. Roy, in turn, pretends to kiss her while still looking up in the sky. Then when Roy is promptly fired for not showing up to work, does he deal with this? No. He leaves it all up to Ronnie. Then when Ronnie feels it is time to have a serious talk about Roy’s insane behavior, she finds him in the shower fully clothed. At the end of the movie, everyone is always happy that Roy gets on the spaceship. I see it for what it is: He is running away from his responsibilities to his family. Instead of trying to go to counseling to try and save his marriage, he jumps on the first alien ship out of here. Spielberg was quoted years later as saying that you can tell he was single when he made this movie because now that he is a family man he would never have let Roy get on UFO and leave his family behind.

Worst Husband Moment: Roy’s attempt to save his marriage leads him to instead destroying his house by building an extra large model of Devil’s Tower in his living room. He uses garbage, dirt, mud, bushes, and chicken wire. This act is what ultimately chases Ronnie away.

9. Earl Hunterson - Waitress (2007)

The culprit in this movie is Earl Hunterson portrayed by Jeremy Sisto. Earl’s wife Jenna (Keri Russell) works as a waitress at the local diner where her specialty is making pies for any occasion. Really her pie making is an escape from the horrible marriage that she has gotten herself into. We find out Earl is bad news from the beginning of the movie because Jenna wants to hide her pregnancy from her husband. The last time I checked this is supposed to be a happy event. Anyway, Earl can always be heard coming in the scene because he beeps his car horn constantly when he picks Jenna up from work. One beep will do, but he has to be a jerk. He also takes all her money that she earned because a husband is in charge of the money in his eyes. Then when he finds the money Jenna had been hiding all around the house, money she was going to use to help her escape from him, he promptly flips out. He destroys a table at her best friend’s wedding, makes her come home, and then offers to buy a camcorder with the money so they can make sex films (that is if she can get back into shape after she has the baby). When Jenna finally gets the courage up to leave Earl, she goes to the bus stop. Earl beeps his way there, stops her before she gets on, and slaps her across the face. Striking a woman, let alone your pregnant wife, will instantly get you on the top 10.

Worst Husband Moment: When Earl finds out that Jenna is pregnant, he says she can only have the baby if she agrees to never love the baby more than him. WTF? How insecure can one person be? Well his reminder of the agreement after the birth of their daughter is what prompts Jenna to finally tell Earl to hit the bricks.

8. Monk - Purple Rose of Cairo (1985)

Next up on our list is Monk, played by Danny Aiello. Monk does not have much screen time in this movie but his actions as a husband have a significant impact on the movie. The wife here is Cecilia (Mia Farrow), who is a waitress in a local diner–wait, is there a trend here? Are all movie waitresses married to jerks? P.S. “Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore” doesn’t count because she wasn’t married to Harvey Keitel or Kris Kristofferson. So back to “Purple Rose,” after Cecilia works a hard day at the diner, she has to give her money to Monk who is out of work. Monk doesn’t pay bills with the money; he plays craps with his “friends” instead. By the way Monk is out of work and is playing craps when he is supposed to be out looking for a job. She tries many times to leave Monk but he always reminds her that she will be back because she has nowhere else to go. So the only escape she has from her awful marriage and constant beatings from her husband (we never see Monk hit her but he always reminds her that he will slap her silly again) is the movies. She goes everyday to see the same film, “The Purple Rose of Cairo.” Her devotion to the film leads to one of the characters stepping out of the film and insanity ensues. At the end though (SPOILER!), Cecilia does not get to run away to Hollywood with her new handsome actor boyfriend because he ditches her once the problems are solved. She is instead stuck in the movie theater again reminded that she has to go home to Monk because she has no other choices in life.

Worst Husband Moment: When Monk gets caught having an affair, he tries to convince Cecilia that it is her fault. He tells her he shouldn’t be left alone, that she should know how he gets when he drinks.

7. Prof. Humbert Humbert - Lolita (1962)

OK, the first three husbands were nothing compared to the next seven. “Lolita” … how do I even begin to explain how bad of a husband Humbert (James Mason) really is? For starters, he only marries Charlotte Hayes (Shelly Winters) so he can be closer to her underage (way underage) daughter Dolores (Lolita). Charlotte, who has no clue to what Humbert’s intentions are, sends Lolita away to summer camp. This makes Humbert depressed but he counts the days until she returns. When newlywed Humbert finds out that Charlotte plans to send Lolita to boarding school so that they can spend even more quiet time together, he becomes more withdrawn. Charlotte eventually finds his diary where he explains his ridiculous love for Lolita. This sends Charlotte into a frenzy and she wants Humbert out of the house, the great husband that Humbert is, he decides he is going to shoot Charlotte and make it look like a suicide. Well Charlotte beats him to the punch, while attempting to escape from Humbert she is hit by a car and dies. This news makes Humbert excited and he goes and gets drunk while taking a bath. Of course everyone just thinks that he is in denial. The rest of the movie just goes on to show that Humbert can also be a bad stepfather as well.

Worst Husband Moment: When Charlotte tries to seduce Humbert, the only way he can fulfill his husbandly duties is by staring at a framed picture of Lolita.

6. Ike Turner Sr. – What’s Love Got To Do With It (1993)

Good old Ike is the only real-life bad husband to make the list, but I’m sure there will be more to follow in the future years (the eventual O.J./Robert Blake/Jonathan Gosselin movie). Laurence Fishburne, who brilliantly portrayed Ike Turner, is the first of the movie husbands on this list to be nominated for an Academy Award. Ike is a selfish jerk of a husband who is jealous of his wife Tina’s (Angela Bassett) career. When they first meet, it seems like everything is going to be great between the two musicians, but we quickly get glimpses of the rage that lies beneath Ike Turner. Ike is constantly beating and berating Tina to the point that she doesn’t know if she is coming or going. He always reminds her that he MADE her, and that she would be nothing without him. Well, Tina eventually gets up the courage and decides to leave Ike, but the great man that he is, he decides that she can’t have her name; he thinks he owns it. Tina’s real name was Anna Mae Bullock and Ike felt the Turner name was his. He even says, “The name is mine. The name got my daddy’s blood on it. If she wanna go, she can go wherever she wanna go, but the name stays home!” What kind of a sick man thinks he owns a name? We all know that Tina gets her name in the end.

Worst Husband Moment: After a recording session, Ike throws everyone out of the studio. He then starts to hit Tina, and then rape her while screaming like an animal. Every time I watch this movie I find that this is the hardest scene to sit through.

5. Carlo Rizzi – The Godfather (1972)

Now, to be fair “The Godfather” has its share of bad husbands. Sonny Corleone cheating on his wife at his sister’s wedding and Michael Corleone lying right to his wife’s face at the end of the movie, but it is Carlo (Gianni Russo) who takes the prize. It starts out the way like many of the other bad movie marriages start where everything is great. Carlos and Connie (Talia Shire) have a storybook wedding that would make any couple blush. We eventually find out that Carlo only married Connie with dreams of one day joining the family business. When Sonny keeps shunning Carlo from family meetings, Carlo starts to take his frustrations out on Connie and ultimately decides to take matters in to his own hands. He makes a deal with two of the other rival mafia families to help take Sonny (James Caan) out. In order to achieve this, he must trick Sonny into one of his famous fits of rage. So Carlo decides to start going out all night, having affairs and having his mistress call the house looking for him. All of this makes Connie upset and forces her to confront Carlo. Carlo will not be confronted and decides to not once but twice beat his wife. Also, Carlo is the second husband on this list that hit his pregnant wife. Carlos is the first of our bad husbands who gets his in the end. Michael (Al Pacino) saw through Carlo’s little games and had him strangled on the day of his child’s christening.

Worse Husband Moment: The second time Carlo beats his wife, he first tells her to clean up all the dishes she broke. He then calls her a racial name and then chases her to the bathroom and beats her with his belt.

4. Martin Burney – Sleeping With The Enemy (1991)

First things first: By no means do I find this to be a good movie, but Martin Burney (Patrick Bergin) is one bad husband. The reason I felt compelled to put him up so high the list is because of what his wife Laura (Julia Roberts) planned to do just to get away from him. Here is a girl that knew divorce would not be enough, that he would always terrorize her. He was abusive, possessive, and got jealous when a neighbor would just say hi. So she decides she is going to fake her own death. Laura is petrified of the ocean and has never learned to swim. Martin convinces her to go out sailing with her one night. A storm comes and Laura is knocked overboard. Speaking of overboard, the husband in the 1987 classic comedy “Overboard” (Grant Stayton III, played by Edward Herrmann) was not so great himself. Anyway, so Martin is lead to believe his wife had drowned. End of marriage and Martin will be forced to move on. Well we find out that Laura had planned this night for months. She was taking swimming lessons so she would be able to swim to shore. She even faked her own mother’s death and moved her into a nursing home with a different name months before she faked her own death just so she could still visit her. When she did visit her blind mother, she went in disguise just in case. Now come on, all this planning instead of a divorce just to get away from one man? Martin deserves his spot at number four. Laura does get payback on her husband by shooting him twice in the chest.

Worst Husband Moment: When Martin finds his mother-in-law in the nursing home, he decides he is going to smother her with a pillow. Only because she said her daughter was married to a monster. Does that comment really condone being killed and how can you smother your blind mother-in-law with a pillow? Don’t worry, she doesn’t die.

3. Gregory Anton – Gaslight (1944)

Charles Boyer, who portrayed Gregory Anton, is the second husband on the list to be Oscar-nominated for his work. Gregory marries Paula (Ingrid Bergman), a woman who has been haunted by the death of her aunt years earlier in London. What does great new husband Gregory suggest she do in order for her to overcome her anxieties? Why, move into the very house that her Aunt died in of course. Paula agrees and soon she starts loosing small objects and hearing noises. When a watch that Gregory lost turns up in Paula pocketbook, he accuses her of stealing it–that’s classy. Poor Paula now starts to doubt her own sanity. It turns out that Gregory planted the watch there. Gregory was also hiding the small objects about the house and convincing her she was hearing noises. It turns out that Gregory’s master plan was to drive Paula crazy. Now that is what I call a wonderful husband. Bergman deservedly won the Academy Award that year for her amazing depiction of troubled Paula.

Worst Husband Moment: Gregory tells Paula that he is leaving every night, but instead he sneaks in the house through the attic. He turns down all the gaslights in the house the house so everything gets dim. Paula, since she is all alone and no one else experiences it, thinks that it is all her imagination.

2. Jerome “Jerry” Lundegaard – Fargo (1996)

The third of our Oscar nominated bad husbands is William H. Macy for his creepy performance as Jerry Lundegaard. From the opening scene we get a glimpse of just how wacked out Jerry is. He is sitting in a diner with two criminals, Carl and Gaear (Steve Buscemi and Peter Stormare), informing them of his plan on how he wants them to kidnap his wife Jean (Kristen Rudrud). His hopes are that he can then get the ransom money from his father-in-law and give the criminals $100,000 and keep the rest for himself to pay off his debts. This plan is so insane that even Carl and Gaear are confused by his motives and they tell him to simply ask his wife for the money. Jerry just can’t do that, so he would rather rely in two ex-cons he never met before to carry out his master plan. Needless to say, it all goes wrong, people are dying, and all wackiness ensues. Jerry starts lying to his father-in-law, trying to control the situation, just so he can get his money. When it looks like a legit business deal that Jerry has been working on might work out, he tries to cancel the kidnapping. When he finds out that he can’t stop it, he decides to just go along with it. Meanwhile, Jerry has a teenage son that is absolutely crushed by the disappearance of his mother. Jerry just tells him to keep on telling everyone mom is out of town. Jerry finds no remorse in his actions, and in no way comforts his son. (SPOILER!) Well, Jean is eventually murdered by mad man Gaear, and the police find Jerry hiding out in a motel trying to flee the scene. This all could have been avoided if Jerry just manned up and asked his wife for the money, but what do we expect from the number two bad husband in cinema history.

Worst Husband Moment: When Jerry finds out that Carl murdered Jean’s father, he decides to hide the body in the trunk of his car. This man would do anything to get his hands on the ransom money.

1. Jack Torrance – The Shining (1980)

Jack Nicholson takes the top prize on this list for his portrayal of the ax-wielding maniac husband from the Overlook Hotel. I know a lot of people are going to say that it was not his fault, that he had cabin fever. Really… I have been snowed in before to and I never felt the need to chop my family into bits. Then some might say, well he was possessed by the demons of the hotels past. The thing is, he was a jerk even before he got to the hotel. His loving wife Wendy (Shelly Duvall) looks like she is afraid of her own shadow because she was forced to deal with Jack’s alcoholic past. He even ripped their sons arm out of his socket because he messed up his test papers. So even before we know what makes Jack tick, it is clearly established that he is a bad husband. Jack, as selfish as he is, decides to drag Wendy and son Danny (Danny Lloyd) up to an isolated hotel for the winter just so he can finish writing his novel. Wendy, the good wife that she is, just wants to make him sandwiches and spend some quality time with him. Jack’s loving reply to Wendy’s actions is “When you come in here and you hear me typing, or whether you DON’T hear me typing, or whatever the FUCK you hear me doing; when I’m in here, it means that I am working, THAT means don’t come in. Now, do you think you can handle that?” Jack then tries to find out who beat up their son and when he finds who did it, does he reprimand the lady in room 237, NO- he kisses the witch. Then Jack decides that it is time to destroy the snowmobiles so his family can’t escape, he destroys the radio, and gets an ax to kill his family. Of course, his plan fails and Jack becomes a frozen statue for all to see in the Overlook Hotel’s glorious botanical maze.

Worst Husband Moment: Wendy finds out that Jack has not been writing a novel at all. Remember, that was the main reason he dragged her up to the middle of nowhere. He instead has been writing, “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” over and over again. Jack finds her reading his “novel” and starts to pursue her up the stairs. He then threatens to bash Wendy’s brains in with a baseball bat. At least he calls Wendy the light of his life first.

Tags: 10, bad, characters, dumb, evil, film, husbands, list, men, movies, ten, top, Top 10 Worst Movie Husbands, Top Ten Worst Movie Husbands, Worst

Andrew Reed has graced the web pages of Scene-Stealers before. He’s a regular sitegoer who leaves loads of great comments, but he’s also written list of Top 10 Movie Cougars and Top 10 Unfairly Maligned Sequels. Currently living in Argentina, he aslo runs the excellent movie/music blog Fighting the Youth. In honor of this weekend’s live-action adaptation of “G.I. Joe” (which the studio is NOT screening for us critics this week…hmmm), he’s got a list of pasts cartoon trainwrecks. If you have a Top 10 list you’d like to contribute, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Andrew:

I originally wanted to write a Top 10 Best Cartoon Remakes, but then I realized that there would be a significant problem with that approach. Remakes of cartoons are nearly always dreadful at best. I am afraid that I must conclude that Michael Bay’s first “Transformers” effort barely gets the nod over the first “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” movie as the best one ever made. Greatly begrudging and half-hearted kudos to you, Mr. Bay. The fact that these remakes are always a disappointment has not slowed their production. Aside from this week’s sure to be deflating journey into the live-action world of “G.I. Joe,” here’s an abridged list of other projects apparently on the docket: Voltron, Hong Kong Phooey, The Smurfs, Tom and Jerry, Marvin the Martian, Yogi Bear, Johnny Quest, Thundercats, The Last Airbender, He-Man, and The Jetsons.

To be honest, that last one has me mildly intrigued. Maybe there’s a reason they keep sucking us in to watch these dreadful things. Maybe we’re all curious to see if the magic that dazzled us with only two dimensions when we were children can be translated to our adult frame of reference. Sadly, these movies seem to always fail for both fans of the series and those who’ve never heard of them before. You’ll surely be irked at what didn’t make the cut, but there’s only room for ten. So let’s get this over with already: It’s the Top 10 Worst Live-Action Cartoon Adaptations.

10. Underdog (2007)

Say what you want about the original “Underdog” cartoon. It was flimsy, repetitive and campy as hell, but at least it had character. After taking a pill, Shoeshine Boy would transform into Underdog and rescue his Sweet Polly Purebred from the nefarious Simon Bar Sinister. From the newsreel narration to Underdog’s peppy attitude, its tone always delivered a smile to viewers’ faces. But this Disney film is not interested in tone. It’s hard to tell if it’s interested in much of anything, actually. Casting a real beagle as Underdog is a questionable decision at best; in the series he always seemed more like a regular person who was born with floppy ears and a wet nose. Affected by a lab experiment gone awry, Underdog can suddenly talk and fly and accidentally blow things up. It all plays out like a cross between Benji and Blankman, except, you know, dumber. If they really wanted to make this a dumbed down kids film, they should have made a “Superdog” movie and called it “Air Bud: Pooper Trooper.” Or they could have gone in the other direction and hired Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. But this is family fare that will only serve to put your kids to sleep. Also, I freaking hate beagles (long story). Here’s an example of the humor on display in this stupid movie:

9. Masters of the Universe (1987)

How do you translate a beloved, but somewhat insipid children’s cartoon to the big screen in 1987? You bring the characters from Eternia to Earth, of course. That way you don’t need any elaborate sets or special effects. Also, you completely abandon most of the storyline, history, and characters from the original series because you think you can come up with something better - like soldiers in black helmets with machine guns (seriously). And of course, you hire Dolph Lundgren. The He-Man series was always a rather basic show, with Prince Adam and Cringer screwing around until Skeletor showed up with a cadre of evil dudes at which time Adam would transform into He-Man and save the day. But this film adaptation completely ignored the Prince Adam storyline. Instead, the main characters are two high school sweethearts, one of whom is played by a young Courtney Cox. This movie exudes the notion that was made up as it went along, completely full of nonsensical preening and lacking the majority of the eccentric characters from the series. The funny thing is, as bad as this film was, the only thing that kiboshed a sequel was the high cost Mattell was charging for the rights to the characters.

8. Josie and the Pussycats (2001)

The one thing they did right with this movie was to hire three hot chicks. (Admit it. You thought Tara Reid was hot right up until she became Tara Reid.) Sadly, that’s the only thing. The TV show always featured the band seemingly “covering” an episode of Scooby-Doo whereby they would foil some sinister villain’s plot to destroy the world or steal a lot of money. In the film, the scheme is being perpetrated by their own record label and the U.S. Government. But it’s so incredibly stupid that it pains me to give the description. The whole idea is that the government is trying to make sure teens get the message that they should spend their hard-earned babysitting and lawn-mowing money to further the economy and embrace American consumerism. It’s hard to tell if the filmmakers were trying to make a point because there were 73 separate companies that were involved with product placement in the film (though none of them paid for it). It’s also hard to tell if they were trying to make a joke because there’s not a single thing worth laughing at in the entire film. During their meteoric rise to superstardom, the girls get “catty” with each other before working out their differences. The end result is one of the most boring and credulous movies about the inner workings of pop music you could imagine. But hey, at least the music is horrendous:

7. Garfield (2004)

OK, let’s start with the fact that outside of tracking down lasagna from the kitchen, Garfield isn’t supposed to “do” anything. That’s the whole point of his existence and the reason suburban 40-somethings paste his image on their cubicle walls. After a cursory look at his laziness, the majority of this film consists of Garfield running around town, trying to save Odie, a dog he hates. Bill Murray supplies Garfield’s voice, a transgression for which he will be forgiven largely because he’s Bill Murray and because it’s only his voice, so nobody will casually recognize him while flipping across TBS. But worse than the nonsense surrounding the main character is the romantic subplot played out between Breckin Meyer and Jennifer Love Hewitt. After seeing Hewitt’s “The Tuxedo,” I recently remarked to a friend that the most notable thing in the film is that Jackie Chan acts circles around her, and he can’t even speak English. In this case, the real dog playing Odie easily outdoes them both, though this his hardly surprising. I realize making a movie out of a character that is used to occupying our attention for three panels a day is a daunting challenge. But nobody held a gun to the heads of the filmmakers and demanded they take up such a challenge.

6. Mr. Magoo (1997)

It is tempting to believe that Leslie Nielsen was simply so old that he thought he would probably die soon after the success of “The Naked Gun” and its sequels and wanted to make as much money as he could as quickly as possible. How else can you explain appearing in “Spy Hard,” “Surf Ninjas,” “Wrongfully Accused,” and “2001: A Space Travesty”? But of all the dreadful films he’s made, none are more ill-conceived than “Mr. Magoo.” This might be the best existing example of Hollywood executive stupidity. If you’re going to remake an old cartoon, at least choose one that people actually like. For those who don’t know, Mr. Magoo is basically blind, but apparently is not aware of the severity his condition, so he frequently mistakes one thing for another. What he believes to be a beautiful woman may in fact be a sunflower or a broom. He’ll wander into a restaurant thinking it’s a hospital or a zoo. Even though Nielsen is clearly not a picky man, I can’t help but wonder if he was already method acting when he OK’d the script. Actually, if you’re curious about this movie and want a laugh, the best thing to do is read Roger Ebert’s review and save yourself 87 minutes. It’s far more entertaining than anything in the film. Just watching the trailer is unbearable.

5. Inspector Gadget (1999)

This was probably an idea doomed from the start, but casting Matthew Broderick in the titular role certainly didn’t help matters. Broderick can play the bumbling fool, but not an arrogantly incurious one. And since arrogant incuriousity was the whole point of the original series, it was clear that they weren’t even aiming at the right target. The movie finds itself completely derailed from its source material, but has a myriad of other problems as well. Whoever thought it was a good idea to take a character who has a helicopter come out of his hat and “play it straight” had a couple screws loose. Instead of giving Gadget a wild series of clues to follow (with help from his niece Penny and her computer book), we get a maudlin backstory of a security guard who always wanted to be a police officer, and is also a really nice guy. After being nearly killed, they turn him into an android who then goes about saving the day and whatnot. It’s like Robocop, but for comotose kids. Maybe they were trying to set up a series of films that would better follow the gleefully obtuse antics of the original series, but the film was such a disaster that the inevitable follow-up featuring French Stewart and went straight to DVD. Thank goodness. Trust me when I say that this video is better than any scene in the film. You’re welcome.

4. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)

This is easily the biggest disappointment on the list. The story is as revered as they come, and the 1966 cartoon is replayed every Christmas with wide appreciation. A big-budget treatment directed by Ron Howard starring Jim Carrey certainly seemed like a good idea. But its failings are as varied as they are consistent. Let’s start with the glaringly obvious: the Whos down in Whoville look really freaking creepy. I felt the strong urge to look away every time one appeared onscreen. The original special was only 26 minutes, a running time that pretty much told the complete story. To stretch it into a feature film, various asinine plot points were included or adjusted. First of all, the Grinch has a past as one of the Whos, he has a love interest putting him in competition with the current mayor of Whoville, and little Cindy Lou Who has a weird fascination/friend crush on the Grinch. None of this makes any sense except to align the film with typical Ron Howardian sentimentalism and add minutes. But the biggest problem is that Jim Carrey does exactly what he was hired to do: act like a buffoon. That the majority of his scenes are shared solely with a dog only gives him more creative license. The Grinch was always more conniving than evil and in no way a clown. But Carrey hams it up way more than he did as The Mask. With all the plot changes and Carrey’s mugging, they should have just made up a whole new set of characters and called it something else. It wouldn’t have made the movie any better, but at least Theo Geisel’s grave could stop spinning.

3. Scooby-Doo (2002)

You knew this would be a bad idea the moment you heard about it. While nobody would ever go as far as to call the cartoon “smart”, at least it had a somewhat hair-raising edge to it. But of course, the live-action incarnation was directed at those 8 and under which meant all the spookiness, sense of fear, and pot jokes would be left out of the script. (Seriously, what exactly is in a Scooby-snack? Why do they crave them so much and become wildly paranoid after eating them? But I digress.) Combine that with the casting of Hollywood’s “up and comers” in the four human roles and this thing was doomed from the first moment director Raja Gosnell said “Action.” Matthew Lillard puts a lot of effort into his Shaggy voice, but aside from that, none of the principals can keep up with the CGI dog, and the plot is worse than any episode of the original series. Also, instead of the Harlem Globetrotters, we get the band Sugar Ray. Things were so bad that I was longing for Scrappy Doo. Perhaps the movie’s biggest crime is casting a hotter actress as Velma (Linda Cardellini) than the one they picked for Daphne (Sarah Michelle Gellar). Whose idea was that? At least we can thank this film for lowering the profile of both Freddie Prinze Jr. and Gellar. So in that sense, I suppose it’s not completely worthless.

2. The Flintstones (1994)
Halle Berry in a cheetah bikini only gets you so far. This is the one that opened the floodgates and therefore deserves a huge chunk of the blame for this list’s existence. Perhaps some movie producer stumbled upon “Raising Arizona,” heard John Goodman’s ubiquitous screaming and realized he’d riff a good “Wiiiiillllllmaaaaaa!” No matter what the impetus was for this project, you’d be hard pressed to think of a more boring way to spend an afternoon. Goodman’s “acting” in this one consists mainly talking out of one side of his mouth, and he’s not given the opportunity to pull off even the most modest of Fred’s traditional crafty schemes. From a business standpoint, they were on to something as this dreadful piece of schlock netted over $350,000,000 worldwide (plus another $70,000,000 in rentals). That number probably overcame the considerable advertising budget. This is a complete waste of time for all involved, but especially for any poor viewer who’s bothered to sit down and watch it. It gets high distinction on this list because its success opened led to most of the others. This clip is more entertaining than the movie itself. Working hard on those moves…

1. The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle (2000)

This steamy mess of a disaster cost 76 million dollars to make, but only garnered 26 million at the box office. It also caused considerable damage to the reputation of producer and star Robert De Niro. Not only does it completely miss the entire point of the series, but there’s not a damn thing in this movie that remotely works. They apparently thought that putting famous names alongside the cartoon characters everyone knew and loved would be sufficient. In lieu of working on a real script, they painted the scenes with broad, dumb strokes and happily called it a day. Every attempt at the tongue-in-cheek humor from the original series ended up failing in this movie. Instead, we get terrible puns that are not played for laughs - just for the references themselves. Whoopi Goldberg’s cameo as a judge who exclaims “Oh my God, it’s Rocky and Bullwinkle!” pretty much sums up the approach to making this movie. Watch the trailer, realize that these are the best jokes they had, and you’ll quickly get the idea.

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