Just after Scene-Stealers panned Rob Zombie’s “Halloween II” (a nice discussion about the movie is brewing right here, by the way) and since I included two horror movies (one from this list) on a list of Top 10 Pointless Remakes, we have received a passionate plea for respect of the modern horror remake pandemic. Bill Heinen has jumped into the fray, defending these films on his own terms, and has produced this list of the Top 10 Best Modern Horror Remakes. If you have a list you’d like to contribute, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Bill:

Well, here we are right after opening weekend for both “The Final Destination” and “Halloween II” and just before my favorite cinematic time of the year: the Fall, or as I like to call it, “horror season.” After both thriving and then dying in the 80s, only to be resurrected (somewhat, but never to the extent of the 80s) in the mid 90s, slasher films are back, and remakes of some classic slashers are popping up all over the place. (If you’re really into the history of the slasher, I recommend “Going to Pieces,” one of the best horror docs I’ve ever seen.)

In just the past five years, we’ve had three classic horror films - including the father of all slashers - completely overhauled with a sleeker, glossier, and one could easily say, sexier approach. And there are plenty more coming, including a new take on Freddy Krueger as more a pedophile and less a dream-monster in the upcoming “A Nightmare on Elm Street,” and Shannon Elizabeth playing every horror nerd’s favorite party hostess, Angela, in the “Night of the Demons” remake. I’ve been looking into a lot of online rumors about horror remakes that are yet to come, including Raimi’s absolutely fantastic cult classic “The Evil Dead,” to a new, improved Chucky in a “Child’s Play” remake. And, like me, most horror fans are somewhat irritated, hoping producers shouldn’t tread on films that are far from perfect, and yet perfect in their own ridiculous ways.

I personally am a huge fan of cheesy 80s horror films - you know, the ones with zero plot, fake-looking blood all over the screen, a lot of barely-clad coeds, and someone with a vendetta, a power-saw, a screwdriver, a drill, and of course, the ol’ standby, a nice big knife. That said, because I’m such a fan of these films, and by no means a tenured film critic, I have to give Hollywood some credit for at least making some interesting remakes that may not do the original film justice, but are a bloody good time in their own right. So, because we have plenty more to look forward to (or dread, depending on where you stand when it comes to these movies), here’s a list of my top 10 horror remakes thus far. Final Note: I am not going to dive into the plots of most of these, just my reasons for thinking they are decent remakes. Enjoy, and bring on the comments.

10. Shutter (2008)

Yes, Joshua Jackson is in a horror film. Yes, it is a remake of a Japanese horror flick, and many horror connoisseurs claim that Japanese horror is the best horror. I am definitely not one of them. And yes, this movie has some wonderfully creepy moments. One thing I loved about this very underrated movie is that the ghost isn’t grotesquely scary, i.e. “The Ring” or “The Grudge”; faces don’t get morphed into frozen expressions of sheer terror. The film is a little more subtle than that. Instead, we get (pardon the expression) snapshots of a supernatural nature. In the vein of films such as “Stir of Echoes” and “What Lies Beneath,” our photo-friendly ghost leaves clues for Jackson’s wife, helping her discover an ugly truth about her husband’s past. It is kind of predictable, but the moments of discovery in this film are actually unsettling, culminating in Jackson’s realization at the end that the source of his neck pain is more than just a bad mattress. I could watch that scene again and again. Not a great film, but good enough to hit number 10 on the list.

9. Night of the Living Dead (1990)

Just so we’re clear, I am talking about the remake directed by Tom Savini (the makeup and effects god of horror/slasher cinema), not the horribly crappy 3D version that should have never, ever been made. Savini knows horror; he’s had a hand in tons of slashers since the original “Friday the 13th,” and he understands what this kind of audience wants: blood, and lots of it. There are plenty of heads lopped off, limbs scattered and flung around, and, of course, zombies ravenously eating the living. Barbara isn’t a neurotic nut-job like she is in Romero’s classic; instead, she’s blowing away zombies left and right, taking charge of the situation and calling out orders like a platoon sergeant. While I think the original is probably one of the best horror films ever made, Savini had fun with this and it shows.

8. Quarantine (2008)

This one is actually closest to its source material, the Spanish film “[Rec].” If you haven’t seen the original, check it out. Even with subtitles, it’s fantastic. I saw this movie in a huge theatre and made the mistake of sitting in the front row. I can handle rollercoasters just fine, and this film, at that vantage point, made me dizzy as hell. When I rented it and watched it from the comfort of my couch, I realized it really is pretty dizzying regardless. But so is the original. Like “28 Days Later,” one of the best zombie films ever made (and completely redefined the genre, but that is for another discussion), this movie deals with an infection that rapidly spreads and immediately changes one’s nature as opposed to having the dead rise from their graves in search of tasty flesh. A fair amount of violence and gore, a LOT of jump scares (which I still think are the best kind), and plenty of terrifying night-vision episodes of cat-and-mouse, hunter-and-the-hunted sort of thing. I liked it a lot more than I expected to, so it makes the cut at number 8.

7. Last House on the Left (2009)

OK, so the original somehow, and I have no idea how, seemed so much more tame after viewing this remake. Probably because it was filmed in 1972 and there were a lot of barriers that Wes Craven couldn’t cross, as groundbreaking as it was. I can barely stand to watch rape onscreen, and LHOTL’s unrated version had a pretty long rape, the worst part being that instead of explicitly showing the event, we hear it, we see the sweat and dirt on the victim’s forehead and chin, her knuckles fruitlessly grasping at leaves, and the rapist’s son watching with a blend of horror, guilt, and the calm of a Zen monk. You can feel this scene, and it’s gut-wrenching. I don’t want to sound like a sadist here, but watching the murders of the rapist’s friends later is actually a lot of fun, his brother’s death being my favorite (a bottle of wine and a hammer in the head, plus a few fingers in the kitchen sink? awesome. fucking awesome). Yes, the ending is lame (and by that I mean the going off into the sunrise and ‘everything’s gonna be ok’ part, NOT the microwaved face, which was great), but it works overall.

6. Dawn of the Dead (2004)

I really don’t need to justify this being number 6 on the list, I just need to say two words: zombie baby. That’s right, a fuckin’ screaming, shitting, flesh-eating zombie baby. This movie didn’t have the sociological commentary like the original (claiming consumers are much like zombies, people in death do what they did in life, as in shop compulsively without knowing why, etc.), but what it did have was a lot of action. And I mean a LOT. The movie starts with a bang, probably one of my favorite horror intros ever, and only lets up a few times when everyone is in the mall doing somewhat “human” things. The escape from the mall in the armored truck with chainsaws taking out body parts all over the place was pretty great too. And Sarah Polley is not too hard to look at, especially when she’s kicking undead ass.

5. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

Leatherface is one of the most mysterious horror icons. He apparently is the product of a bunch of ass-backward inbred butchers who decided a while back to stay in a deserted Texas town and murder and eat anyone unlucky enough to stumble across their way. Still, it’s never explained what prompts this individual to wear other people’s faces or hunt them down with a chainsaw - a very heavy, not-too-pragmatic murder weapon. The remake came out 29 years after the original, and while the first had plenty of scary, shocking moments, this one beats it with more violence, more gore, and waaaayyyy more cruelty. Slamming a bag of salt on an amputated leg while hanging him on a meathook … ouch. The movie had a lot of chases, with Jessica Biel having to run and fight with all she has. By the end, after the ordeal she’s had, after seeing her boyfriend’s peeled face hanging off his killer’s head, after killing her friend to ease his pain, it’s actually somewhat believable that she becomes such a badass and kills the fuck out of the sheriff. This is truly one of those very rare horror remakes that I ended up liking more than the original.

4. My Bloody Valentine 3D (2009)

This remake is a LOT of fun, and it is, without a doubt, the best 3D horror film ever made. Not like that’s saying a ton, but it’s something. Just like the original, the town thinks Harry Warden is dead and gone, and then the murders start up all over again. And in both films, the killer isn’t Harry at all (well, in the beginning of both films it is, but not at the conclusion). So the remake kept that part of the original … and that’s about it. The deaths in the original were more left up to the viewer’s imagination, whereas in the remake, through 3D lenses, we get to view eyeballs popping out, guts being strewn all over porches, and pickaxes flying towards us. It’s violent as all hell, it’s reckless and gory, and it’s basically a lot of running and killing. My kind of movie.

3. Halloween II (2009)

I am not pleased with two things in this movie, so I’m gonna list those first:

1. The first scene. It really doesn’t set the stage well. It showcases some bad acting from Sheri Moon Zombie, and the young Michael isn’t as evil-looking as Daeg from Zombie’s “Halloween.”

2. The mother/son Freudian thing and the Jungian/archetype thing with the white horse. Just didn’t work for me one bit. I thought it was pretty much a waste of time, though I guess it somewhat explained Myers’ purpose.

OK, that being said, I loved this movie. Now, I am biased, as I think Rob Zombie is the best horror director out there today, but it was fucking fantastic. As with his first “Halloween,” you really feel the force of Myers’ stabs, and it’s impressive and scary just how strong and powerful he is. Somehow, Zombie makes it hurt to watch, and it is graphic, but only for glimpses and seconds at a time. The original “Halloween II” (1981) took place entirely in a dimly-lit hospital with Jamie Lee Curtis basically hiding the entire time. It was somewhat scary, but not nearly as much as the first film. Though the hospital scene in Zombie’s is about 10 minutes long, it is by far scarier and more realistic than original director Rick Rosenthal’s. When she is stuck in the guard’s booth in the rainy dead of the night and Michael is slashing away at the walls, it’s hard not to feel how helpless Laurie really is. Annie’s death scene may be one of the most tragically sad and horrific scenes in the series, and her murder isn’t even completely shown onscreen. Laurie’s transformation from all-American good girl to understanding her true roots (“Angel O Myers”) is fairly devastating and uncomfortable, and you feel more empathy for her than any other Zombie character, in my opinion. Finally, this film will piss off a LOT of horror fans, or fans of Rob Zombie; it’s not simply a slasher movie, it’s a very artistic/archetypal/symbolic version of a slasher movie. That being said, I thought it was done in a beautifully horrific manner, with some shots that are hauntingly pulchritudinous.

2. Friday the 13th (2009)

OK, I might get some shit for the final two on my list, but I don’t care. There are plenty of reasons why I feel this remake was fantastic, and I’ll start with what my favorite kinds of horror films are all about: lots of breasts, lots of deaths. This movie was not only a damn good rehash of Crystal Lake massacres, it was basically a 90-minute homage to past films of the series. Instead of Jason’s mother being the killer throughout the entire movie, we see her for about a minute during the opening credits … and then we see her lose her head. I’ve talked to tons of my horror-nerd friends and we all agree that Jason is the centerpiece of the “Friday the 13th” world, not his mother, and we get both versions of Jason: potato-sack Jason, and of course, hockey-mask Jason. I’d say about half of the deaths in this film, while creative in their own right, definitely borrowed from previous films, which really excited me. Throughout my first viewing I kept thinking about how he jumped through the glass in part 5, how he used a bow and arrow (well, a harpoon really) in part 3, how he used a sleeping bag to kill someone in part 6, etc. It really was a lot of fun, and that’s what this franchise really is all about. Well, fun and buckets of blood, I suppose, but Glenn Danzig put it best when he was singing for Samhain as he chanted, “All murder, all guts, all fun.” Another thing I loved about this remake was that Jason was presented more as a highly-skilled hunter defending his land, and he defends it with a brutal force. Hell of a flick.

1. Halloween (2007)

I’m going to begin my explanation for our number one on the list by telling you all what my good friend and fellow horror guru (he actually knows WAY more about horror films than I) Kevin said after we left the theatre: “I’ve seen a lot of horror movies, and most of them in theatres, and I have never felt the way I feel right now after a movie. I have never seen something like that on screen.” And I couldn’t agree more. Rob Zombie gives us a brilliant retelling of not only the events in Carpenter’s classic boogeyman feature, but he allows us to understand that Michael Myers’ homicidal tendencies are not the result of a pagan curse or astrological anomalies (see “Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers”), it simply stems from an intensely fucked-up childhood. Malcolm McDowell was a genius choice for Dr. Loomis, played originally by the great Donald Pleasance, and he was a drawing point for many people that may not have gone to see this movie for any other reason. The movie is completely unapologetic, it is brutally in-your-face, and it doesn’t let up. At all. From young Myers beating a fellow classmate to death with a large stick to adult Myers chasing his sister through a decrepit, abandoned home, tearing up floorboards and constantly slashing inches behind her, this movie is incredibly intense. Of all the horror franchises, the “Halloween” films are my favorite. Something about Michael Myers is less hokey than Jason, less comical and silly than Freddy Krueger; he’s just evil incarnate, and he doesn’t even show a passion for killing. He simply kills. Zombie may not have used too much suspense or tension or cat-and-mouse tactics that made the original such a joy to watch, but he makes up for it with a sadistic intensity that I don’t believe any remake so far has matched.

Tags: 10, best, films, horror remakes, list, movies, slasher, ten, to, Top 10 Modern Horror Remakes, Top Ten Modern Horror Remakes

In honor of the remake of “Friday the 13th,” this past weekend’s box-office darling, this week’s edition Top 10 Tuesday brings you a list from Charles Gooch, who writes for ink.kc.com. If you have a list you’d like to contribute to Scene-Stealers, email eric@scene-stealers.com. In the meantime, enjoy Gooch’s Top 10 Instruments of Death in Slasher Films! Here’s Gooch:

Where do they get those horrible toys? Machetes. Knives. Chainsaws. More knives than you can shake a fist at. Guns that shoot killer cotton candy.

The one thing you can always count on in a slasher film–besides of course the predictable outcomes, the inventive use of gratuitous nudity, the unstoppable killers and the frenetic, often deplorable, camera work–is the killer won’t resort to a conventional weapon to do his worst. He’ll use a hammer. Or a bat. Or soome of the more famous instruments on this list. And there will be blood. Lots and lots of blood. For those scoring at home, you won’t be seeing Ash’s chainsaw hand from “Evil Dead II” in this list. You also won’t see the lawnmower from “Dead Alive.” Or the stone phallus from “Cannibal Holocaust.” Those aren’t slasher flicks. Those are zombie flicks. And I could make an entire list out of inventive instruments of death used to eliminate zombies in modern cinema. I could literally spend hours on that list. But, for the sake of this list, we shall focus on slasher films, which are defined in this list as a horror film involving a psychopathic killer (usually wearing a mask) who stalks and graphically murders a large number of adolescents, preferably in the span of one night.

Close, but not quite–some runners-up: The glass unicorn in “Black Christmas.” It just misses, mostly because it wasn’t a repetitive-use weapon. Also just missing, the rotary saw in “High Tension,” mainly because I thought the movie was god-awful.

10.  A pogo stick in “Leprechaun” (1993)

Should I be worried that this was the first thing I thought about when I decided to write a Top 10 list about murder weapons? I say no. How is it not awesome to watch the Leprechaun go sick on someone with a pogo stick? Why don’t we make more movies about slightly stereotypical fantasy creatures? I might pay money to watch a movie about an overweight redneck unicorn that gores teenagers at Lake of the Ozarks with its horn. Lots of money.

9. The hook-for-a-hand in “Candyman” (1992)

This Clive Barker adaptation is probably a little underrated as far as horror movies go. The acting was iffy (featuring Oscar nominee Virginia Madsen!) and the plot wasn’t that remarkable, but did you want to look into a mirror after watching this movie? Did you look at dudes with hooks for hands the same way after this? It used to be that was the ground reserved for the likes of Peter Pan. Post-”Candyman,” it’s now pretty much a horror-flick staple.

8. Santa’s axe in “Silent Night, Deadly Night” (1984)

A killer, dressed as Old St. Nick, uses lots of weapons (including an inventive use of Christmas lights), but mostly he has an axe to hack at his prey in one of the most controversial movies of the 1980s. Apparently, we didn’t have a lot going on in the 80s. Or we decided that killers dressed as Santa Claus were more damaging to our children’s welfare than cocaine, neon leggings, jellies, and the cast of “Knots Landing.” Revered film critics Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert went so far as to read the credits for this movie aloud, saying “shame, shame” after each one. Of course there was a sequel. Of course.

7. The miner’s pick axe in “My Bloody Valentine” (1981)

I haven’t seen the recent 3D remake because I still can’t wrap my brain around why they remade such an awful movie. My wife said it was good. But then again,  she thinks “Class of Nuke ‘Em High” is an adequate Christmas gift. But I remember one thing about the original. The pick axe was the only redeeming factor in this movie. It was the last worker’s tool yet to be scooped up in a horror movie. Or at least it is until they finally get around to filming a movie about a guy that beheads people with a garden trowel.

6. An American flag in “The Hills Have Eyes” (2006)

Another remake. Another needless, ridiculous, idiotic, and irredeemable remake. (This one directed by Alexandre Aja, who helmed the previously mentioned “High Tension”) But God bless the U. S. of A. and our iconic flag for providing the single redeeming scene from an otherwise so-so movie. (The original, directed by Wes Craven and starring Michael Barryman, was a fantastic 70s horror movie that had held up all right and didn’t need to be remade. This is just another example of a major studio lacking a shred of originality.)

5. The cotton candy gun in “Killer Klowns from Outer Space” (1988)

No list of slasher weapons is complete without the single most outrageous and non-ironically hysterical weapon possible: A ray gun that puts its victims into a cocoon of cotton candy. Tes, you read that correctly. You don’t really need to know the premise of this movie (I’ll tell you anyway: Alien clowns try to take over Earth. Duh, it’s in the title!) or understand the fact that the movie is downright horrible to be able to enjoy the novelty of a gun that shoots death-inducing cotton candy cocoons. Cotton candy cocoons are always awesome.

4. The kitchen knife in “Halloween” (1978)

In John Carpenter’s era-defining slasher movie, the weapon is just your average, run-of-the-mill kitchen knife. Nothing out of the ordinary. But in the hands of a crazed mental patient in a William Shatner mask it becomes oh so much more. It becomes the edge of the tension that builds in our chests as we wait for the last girl standing to bring Michael Myers to his end. It becomes the shiny object reflecting the moon that draws our attention to where the killer is hiding. It becomes an instrument that can kill lots and lots and lots of cute teenage girls. And make us slightly afraid of dicing onions for some reason.

3.  Anything in the hands of Jason Voorhees “Friday the 13th” (1980)

This movie deserves a lot of credit (or scorn depending on how you feel about slasher flicks) for popularizing two gimmicks: the he-wasn’t-hiding-behind-the-curtain-HE’S-BEHIND-YOU shot that everyone uses these days and the use-whatever-weapon-you-can-find approach to murder. The unstoppable killing machine that is Jason Voorhees more than lived up to that ethos, but his most common instrument of death-bringing was a machete. It was so convenient and remarkable as a weapon that the students who brought frozen Jason onto their spaceship in “Jason X” (oh, how I wish I had enough words to describe the plot of that movie in more detail) where thoughtful enough to bring his machete with him. MACHETES IN SPACE! The only thing that keeps this from being higher on the list is that he’s more recognized by the hockey mask he wears than the weapon he uses.

2. The chainsaw in “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” (1974)

To think, we once used a chainsaw for something as innocuous as cutting down trees. Thank God men don’t do that kind of work anymore and chainsaws reside only in the realm of our nightmares wielded by guys with butcher smocks who wear a mask made out of another human’s skin. Of course, thanks to this movie that man also does pirouettes in the streets with this device, its engine growling manically, the sound gaining on you as it gets close enough so you can almost feel the teeth grinding individually. Many things have changed in our culture (the taste of Coca-Cola Classic, the price of marijuana, the value of your home), but this is one thing I think we can all agree is progress. Thank God we have evolved into a nation of pansies.

1. Freddie Krueger’s razor claws in “A Nightmare on Elm Street” (1984)

One knife is all right. But if you want to give children of the 1980s nightmares for the rest of their lives, there’s only one set of knives that will get the job done. Freddie’s four fingers of death. This is the definitive made-up slasher weapon. Like if Wolverine snapped, somehow had half his face melted off, wore an even creepier sweater and invaded your dreams when you slept. Probably one of the most frightening scenes I can remember from my childhood was when Freddie came claws-first out of the bathtub. I was mortified for days. Afraid of the tub. Afraid to go to sleep. Slight tangent: I actually think the iconic red-striped sweater freaks me out a little bit more. I’m never going to see a set of razor claws coming at me. But I might catch eyes with that guy from marketing whose mom gave him a new sweater for Christmas last year (and it just so happens to have red horizontal stripes) in the bathroom and absolutely freak out one day. Shudders.

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