Today’s Top 10 comes from Cameron Hawk, who previously submitted the excellent list Top 10 Uses of Pop Songs in Movies. If you have a list you’d like to contribute, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Cameron:

Dating—what a weird, mammalian concept. A lot of movies deal with the peaks and pitfalls of the practice because it is something everyone can instantly relate with. Usually, the high and low points are so  heartwarming or so awkward that they stay with us our whole lives. This list compiles what I believe to be scenes that present the dating ritual unapologetically, in all its naturally imperfect glory.

10. The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005)

Steve Carell’s portrayal of the unexplainably celibate Andy is still my favorite performance of his. Andy’s personality is layered, complex, and at times strange, but never is it not apparent to us that he is a good soul. It might be harder for other characters to see, as they don’t have the direct access to his head that we do. This is what makes the film such a great study in humanity, and why people do the things they do or act the way they act. So obviously, in a film like this, the date scenes are going to be stellar. There are several memorable ones. However, the scene in which Andy finds out the hard way that he has never learned how to put on a condom has got to be the best of the bunch. After an amazing date with Trish (Catherine Keener), the two are feeling very comfortable with each other, and eventually the moment arrives. Right away, we can see in Andy’s eyes that this is the closest he has ever been to “the real thing”. He wants it to happen—it’s the right person, the right time, and she has plenty of protection. Unfortunately, Andy’s inability to properly apply a rubber soon leads to a large pile of unusable ones by the door, which are mistaken for already-used ones by Trish’s daughter Marla (Kat Dennings) when she and her boyfriend burst into the room. Right away, Marla assumes Andy is a sex fiend and that they have been having sex repeatedly throughout the evening. She couldn’t be more wrong, and these innocent misunderstandings make up the heart of the film, if not the heart of humanity itself.

Marla’s Boyfriend: Dude—teach me.

9. Elizabethtown (2005)

The many outspoken detractors of “Elizabethtown” will first wonder why this movie is getting any kind of recognition on any kind of list anywhere—you all can just sit off to the side for now, or maybe head over to the TV room and pop in “Elizabethtown” again. When you watch it this time, try not to expect another “Almost Famous.” For that matter, try not to expect anything. For those of you who liked the film, or at least those of you who can muster a conversation about it without bursting out into random fits of cursing and self-mutilation, I am here to argue something—the scene with Kirsten Dunst and Orlando Bloom on the phone is one of the best first date scenes in film. Woah, back up—first date? How was that a first date, one may ask? They just talk on the phone for a long time, after all. Right? WRONG! These are the phone calls during which you really get to know a person. The fact that you are not there with them and cannot physically see them causes your other senses (and your imagination) to stand at attention. How does their voice sound? What does it sound like they are doing? It ends up being a window into these little details that we would normally take for granted. Drew (Bloom) and Claire (Dunst) talk for hours, and hours, with no signs of stopping, or wanting to stop. They even fall asleep while on the phone with each other. They are talking to each other the entire time they are driving to meet up, and even up until they are two feet apart. Now come on—we’ve all had phone calls like this. OK, so we don’t all drive and meet up with each other and get to see a southern sunrise, but remember, these are movies we are talking about here. Even still, after all the great conversation and the beautiful surroundings, Drew and Claire just part ways. When would have been the better time to seal the deal, if you don’t mind me asking?

Claire: Do you ever just think I’m fooling everybody?
Drew: You have no idea.

8. Little Children (2006)

This one is pretty disturbing, but I can’t go without mentioning it. Jackie Earle Haley plays Ronnie McGorvey, a convicted child molester who has recently been released from prison. Living with his mother, he is encouraged by her to meet people and go on dates. Instead, he spends most of his time scaring people out of the public pool, slithering around underwater with his goggles/snorkel combo. But Mon’s persuasions increase, and eventually Ronnie ends up going on a date with Sheila (Jane Adams). As the two begin to talk over dinner, some common ground is reached, and Sheila seems to think he is “nicer” than most of the guys she dates. Ronnie, too, seems to lighten up a little, even attempting to inject some humor into the conversation. Things continue to seem smoother and smoother on the drive home, and when Ronnie asks Sheila to pull the car over, one almost wants to entertain a notion that he is going to grab and kiss her, and the two will live happily ever after. But, Ronnie’s motives are more complicated than that—let’s just say he is less excited about her than he is about the kid’s playground off to his left. Man, there’s an awkward drive home.

Mom: There are four columns of lonely women in here, and only one of lonely men. The odds are on our side. Now why wouldn’t any of these women want to meet a nice person like you?
Ronnie McGorvey: I’m not a nice person.

7. The Cable Guy (1996)

For a movie that represents the early film careers of the likes of Ben Stiller, Jack Black, Owen Wilson, David Cross, Bob Odenkirk, and a score of others, “The Cable Guy” is pretty underappreciated. It may be kind of an obvious satire, but it still works—Chip (Jim Carrey), raised in front of the television, has spent his life assuming several different identities and posing as a Cable Guy, offering free cable to win friends. When he meets Steven (Matthew Broderick), something snaps, and Chip is convinced the two should be buddies. This leads to one of the great date scenes in the movie, which is actually a man-date—when Chip takes Steven to Medieval Times. Topped off with early bit parts from Janeane Garofalo as a “serving wench” (“There was no silverware in Medieval Times, hence there is no silverware at Medieval Times; would you like a refill on that Pepsi?”) and Andy Dick as the head knight (“Dude, get on the friggin’ horse!”), the scene builds to a hilarious duel between the two characters, in which Steven unwittingly pulls most of his energies from his frustrations with Chip. It’s a great performance from Broderick, who is running in fear of his life one moment, and attacking Chip with brute force in the next. Of course, the two end up kind of bonding, even though Chip still makes Steven uncomfortable. Chip’s attempts to win Steven’s trust eventually lead him to a restaurant where Steven’s ex-girlfriend Robin (Leslie Mann) is on a date with a hilariously jock-y Owen Wilson. When Wilson excuses himself to use the bathroom, Chip is waiting for him, disguised as a bathroom attendant. Chip then proceeds to physically assault Wilson in what has to be the most brutally funny bathroom beating ever. I still laugh hysterically every time Chip forces Wilson’s mouth around the hand dryer spout and says “You know, you really remind me of Dizzy Gillespie!”

Robin’s Date (Owen Wilson): [signaling the waiter] Excuse me, excuse me, pardon me, pardon me, pardon me, hey what’s the story with our chicken, man? Have the eggs had a chance to hatch yet? Maybe you can go check on it for me, my friend, if it’s not too much trouble for you. [the waiter walks away] Okay, I’m sorry to put you out. [Turns to Robin] See the attitude?

6. Freddy Got Fingered (2001)

Whether or not you like Tom Green or are moved by his humor, there’s a good chance you know about bits like “The Backwards Man” and “Daddy Would You Like Some Sausage?” But there is so much more to “Freddy Got Fingered.” Perhaps one of the most squeamish scenes in history, this date scene from Tom Green’s faux-art film is all at once brutal, hilarious, and completely original. As one of the two scenes that inspired this list, it really pushes the limits of not only where a movie can go, but where a date can go. Self-appointed loser Gordy (Green), in a previous scene, is found trying on one of his dad’s suits by his father, Jim (a hilarious Rip Torn). Gordy tells Jim he has received “a job at a computer company”, and that he also needs to borrow $50 so he can buy the necessary supplies—like, you know, “some pens, and that little thing that helps you draw a perfect circle.” Ecstatic, Jim tells Gordy to “take $100”, and later on takes his wife Julie (Julie Hagerty) out for dinner to celebrate. It isn’t long before Jim notices Gordy and his wheelchair-bound girlfriend Betty (the beautiful Marisa Coughlan) sitting at a nearby table, while Gordy is making a ruckus on a cordless phone he took from his father’s kitchen (“You’re fucking fired, Bob!”). The hilarity that ensues is beyond explanation, the kind that only Green could create for us. Later on, he canes her legs at her request. Green uses his movie to laugh at his audience (which explains why people hated it so much), and that’s pretty funny in itself. In the end, you’ll either love it to death, or want to kill yourself for watching it.

Jim: Wait a minute… You’re crippled.
Gord: Dad…
Betty: What?
Gord: Dad…
Betty: You got a problem with my legs?
Jim: No, you got a problem with your legs. It’s either that, or you’re just lazy.

5. Clerks (1994)

I had to cheat with this one a little bit, because the date itself never actually happens. But, I believe enough of it happened to put it on this list. Convenience store clerk Dante (Brian O’Halloran) finally meets up with ex-girlfriend Caitlin (Lisa Spoonhauer) after whining about her all day long, and she’s actually excited to see him. They talk about old times, and half-jokingly, Dante asks her out on one of his “famous dinner-and-a-movie dates”. Caitlin says yes, and the two get excited, like they seem to be getting those new-relationship-jitters for each other all over again. They agree to go home, get dolled up, and meet back at the convenience store. Caitlin returns before Dante, and decides to use the Quick Stop’s bathroom while she waits … seriously, has anyone not seen “Clerks”? SPOILER ALERT: She ends up screwing a dead guy that had died while masturbating in the bathroom earlier in the day (Dante gave him the porno mag!). By the time Dante returns, it’s too late—Caitlin is so traumatized she can’t even speak. But, wouldn’t it be more traumatizing to be cock-blocked by a dead guy? Poor Dante—he never did catch a break.

Dante: Call the police!
Caitlin: No, don’t!
Randal: Why?
Dante: Because there’s a stranger in our bathroom and he just raped Caitlin!
Randal: She said she did all the work.

4. Punch-Drunk Love (2002)

The other film that that inspired this list, “Punch-Drunk Love” is the under-appreciated gem of the PTA catalog. Not like he is cast against type here, but Adam Sandler’s performance presents a remarkable restraint that shows us he can actually act. This makes his character, the extremely passive-aggressive (and that’s putting it lightly) Barry Egan, completely unlike his various other one-note comedy vehicles, which no doubt confused the large portion of the film’s audience who were expecting to see gay and fart jokes. Paul Thomas Anderson wrote the part especially for Sandler, and at no moment is it easier to see why than the infamous bathroom scene. Struggling to become his own man in the presence of his nine overbearing (and that’s putting it lightly) older sisters, Barry spends most of his time running his business of bathroom appliances and uncovering errors in sweepstakes programs for potential financial gain. Years of being mercilessly berated by his sisters has led to much repressed anger, causing him to feel the need to lie about everything. One of his sisters fixes him up with Lena (Emily Watson), who is super cute, and Barry takes her to a nice restaurant one evening. For awhile, things go splendidly—there is eye contact, and Barry actually makes a joke! But the inevitable mention of Barry’s erratic behavior (in this case involving the throwing of a hammer through a boat) and his sisters’ childhood exploits of him prove too much for him to take, and he excuses himself to the bathroom. Upon entering, he proceeds to beat the living piss out of it—the trash can, both stall doors, and the soap dispenser (oddly, the object he has the most trouble destroying) all get taken down. It’s the oddest, funniest moment in a wonderful little movie full of odd and funny moments, but it only gets better once the Restaurant Manager realizes it is Barry who has smashed up the bathroom:

Restaurant Manager: Sir, the bathroom was just torn apart.
Barry Egan: Um, yeah.
Restaurant Manager: Did you do it?
Barry Egan: No.
Restaurant Manager: You didn’t just smash up the bathroom?
Barry Egan: No.
Restaurant Manager: Well, who did?
Barry Egan: I dunno.
Restaurant Manager: Sir, your hand is bleeding.
Barry Egan: I cut myself.
Restaurant Manager: How?
Barry Egan: On my knife. (Silence.) What?
Restaurant Manager: Sir, your hand is bleeding.
Barry Egan: I know.
Restaurant Manager: I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
Barry Egan: Yeah, but I didn’t do anything.
Restaurant Manager: Sir, I’ve got no way to prove that you smashed up the bathroom—
Barry Egan: I didn’t do that. I didn’t.
Restaurant Manager: Look, I’m gonna have to ask you to go.
Barry Egan: OK. I didn’t—
Restaurant Manager: I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.
Barry Egan: Alright, please don’t do this to me.
Restaurant Manager: Sir, I’m gonna call the police.
Barry Egan: Alright. Can I just stay?
Restaurant Manager: Sir, I’m gonna crack your fuckin’ head open. Get outta here.

3. Say Anything (1989)

Cameron Crowe again! I’m telling you, the man knows relationships. I don’t just mean romantic ones, either; in fact, he is one of the best writers out there when it comes to pinpointing those subtle differences between friends, family, and lovers. Of course, we all know “Say Anything” is romantically oriented, but family relationships are a huge part of the film as well. Case in point—the scene where Lloyd (John Cusack) visits the home of his interest Diane (Ionne Skye) and her father James (John Mahoney) to have dinner with them and some of James’ friends and business associates. Some would argue that this is not technically a date, but I beg to differ—meeting parents is a huge part of the courting process, not to mention the fact that trying to impress them can be almost or just as complicated as trying to impress a love interest. It doesn’t seem to be a matter for Lloyd in this scene, however. He obviously wants the approval of Diane’s father, but his seemingly misplaced confidence becomes something more of an awkward assuredness as he begins to describe what he would like to do with his life. The answer he gives has become the quintessential response of all the other Lloyd Doblers and Ben Braddocks in the world, all those college grads out there who are constantly bombarded with this question. At some point in the scene, it becomes clear to us that Lloyd believes no one will ever be able to love Diane as much as he. Even with all the blank and disappointed stares coming from James and his guests, it comes across beautifully.

Lloyd Dobler: I don’t want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don’t want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don’t want to do that.

2. Sideways (2004)

Miles (an amazing Paul Giamatti) lives in the past, and his friend Jack (a likewise Thomas Haden Church) is constantly trying to yank him out of it, which is one of the many motives behind this little double-date scene in Alexander Payne’s classic. The memorable moments are almost too many to count—even the very first conversation outside the restaurant is priceless. What we get from there are peaks and valleys that go ever higher and ever deeper. Things seem to be going good for the two couples at first—Jack tries noticeably harder than Miles to keep the women engaged, but the fervent smiling and eye contact from beautiful Maya (Virginia Madsen) is not lost on Miles. Soon, however, Miles’ drunkenness gets the better of him, which leads him like a marionette to a pay phone in the back, and to one of the most painfully awkward drunk-dials in film. Seriously, any moment where you are blasted and calling your ex-wife is not a good one, and it makes Miles seem like even more of a hopeless case. But it also makes us feel for him, and in the end, his actions are those that require some balls. The date doesn’t end there, but it pretty much does for Miles—which is sad, because we know he wants to hit that.

Jack: Do not drink too much. Do you hear me? I don’t want you passing out or going to the dark side. No going to the dark side!
Miles: Okay!

Jack: If they want to drink Merlot, we’re drinking Merlot.
Miles: No, if anyone orders Merlot, I’m leaving. I am NOT drinking any fucking Merlot!

1. Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)

Does it really surprise you that Cameron Crowe has three entries on this list? (Crowe wrote the screenplay, but Amy Heckerling directed.) “Fast Times” is basically a montage of classic date scenes and teen fantasies (I know Phoebe Cates is coming to mind for some of you, as she damn well should.). There is one date scene that stands out, however, and rings hilariously true in its innocent awkwardness. In the scene previous to the first date between nerdy Mark Ratner (Brian Backer) and hottie Stacy Hamilton (Jennifer Jason Leigh), Ratner’s buddy Mike Damone (Robert Romanus) gives him a few pointers. “When it comes down to makin’ out,” Damone says, “put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.” The next thing we hear, as Ratner drives with Stacy in the passenger seat, is the intro to “Kashmir”. Not only does Rat put it on at the wrong time—he puts on the wrong album entirely! These details and many more help this spot-on examination of awkward first dates, wonderfully realized by Cameron Crowe in his first screenplay. Halfway through dinner, Rat notices he has forgotten his wallet and has no way to pay for the meal. He decides to call on his buddy Damone to bring it to the restaurant, which Damone is wary of doing at first. (Though Damone’s reluctance to help Rat in his time of need should be considered foreshadowing, Ratner should not have called him in the first place, as it turns out to be nothing more than an invitation to cock-block.) Of course, while Rat is waiting for his wallet, he has to stall the date a bit, which he does simply by ordering more food and drinks. Soon, the couple’s table is full of restaurant debris, and Stacy looks shocked when Rat orders two more Cokes—right as Damone shows up to save the day! After narrowly escaping that predicament, Rat gets a piece of good news—Stacy’s parents happen to be out of town (her parents never seem to be home, in fact). She invites Rat to come inside, but he is too nervous to fire her up. He makes some excuse and says he has to go, leaving Stacy looking confused and unfulfilled. Through Rat, Cameron Crowe has given us something very valuable—an amazingly accurate blueprint of what NOT to do on a first date.

Mike Damone: I can see it all now, this is gonna be just like last summer. You fell in love with that girl at the Fotomat, you bought forty dollars worth of fuckin’ film, and you never even talked to her. You don’t even own a camera.

Tags: bad, best, classic, couples, dates, film, movies, romantic, scenes, Top 10 Unorthodox Date Scenes, Top ten Unorthodox Date Scenes, Worst

If you had to pigeonhole it, you could certainly call “(500) Days of Summer” a romantic comedy. It’s got its fair share of romance and, at times, it can be pretty funny. But it more often than not, the movie does what other romantic comedies can never seem to do convincingly: It celebrates those special little moments that two people can share together, whether those moments end up creating a substantial and long-lasting relationship or not.

In this case—and I’m not ruining anything since it’s given away in the first scene (and the title)—this relationship doesn’t last.

What makes “(500) Days” unique is that it is told entirely from the point of view of one character (aside from some troublesome offscreen narration) who believes in the kind of true love you see so often at the movies. In fact, young greeting-card writer Tom (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) is such a hopeless romantic that he thinks the ending of “The Graduate” is a buoyant one.

Summer (Zooey Deschanel), on the other hand, can see mistrust and uncertainty in Dustin Hoffman and Katherine Ross’ eyes. A screening of the classic 1967 movie leaves Summer in a funk and Tom wondering what the hell is wrong with her. This difference in worldview is part of the reason that the couple fails. Summer puts up a wall so big that Tom believes he’s cracked it—when, in fact, he’s only made a dent.

To avoid the pitfalls of the embarrassing pap that passes for rom-com these days, screenwriters Scott Neustadter and Michael H. Weber have filled their story full of storytelling devices such as splitscreen what-ifs, flashbacks to numbered days, a musical number, and specific pop-culture references. Mostly, the gimmicks work—because the actors and the central idea are so strong.

Deschanel lends a great amount of mystery to Summer. She’s the woman of Tom’s dreams and a completely unknowable person all at the same time. Her cynical nature about long-term anything causes her to set up impossible parameters for Tom that allow her to squirm out of anything too serious. She says it’s to avoid getting hurt, but who knows why people do what they do? Her aloofness and temperamental quality only add to the attraction Tom feels for her.

Because the story is told out of order, we know that the couple will eventually break up. Finding out exactly how is what provides the film with its forward plot movement. Despite some rough patches along the way (Tom’s friends range from unfunny to mildly annoying, his creative awakening is telegraphed from the first scene, and his post-breakup behavior has all the clichés of the genre it’s trying to stand apart from), “(500) Days of Summer” has a surprising payoff.

Seeing the story from Tom’s point of view only reinforces the idea that true love is in the eye of the beholder and that there will always be another opinion that matters equally.

Tags: (500) Days of Summer, comedy, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, movie, review, romantic, zooey deschanel

The opinions of Top 10 Movies Ruined by a Female Presence author Warren J. Cantrell do not reflect the opinions of anyone at Scene-Stealers and it was not written by Eric Melin, despite was the posting above says. I just posted it is all. In fact, I like to think of Warren’s writing voice as a kind of parody-inspired Stephen Colbert, except more geared toward the Uber-male demographic. If you have a Top 10 list of your own you’d like to submit, send it to eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Warren:

Recently, I wrote a list recognizing the heavenly glory that encompasses Danny Glover’s piece de resistance: “Predator 2.” I noted in one of my proofs of its superiority to all other Predator films that what bolstered the movie’s stock was a conspicuous lack of important female characters. I cannot stress enough how important it is to cleanse films of all female influence when pushing for a balls-to-the-wall action kill-fest. Both history and current-events don’t lie: women aren’t nearly as gun-crazy or cinematically brutal as men. For this reason, the fairer sex should be left out of films that cater to this particular section of the movie-going public. Yes, dear friends, in these hard economic times, I fear we will see an ever-increasing tendency to cross-market, forcing the upcoming remakes of “Robocop” and “The A-Team” (yeah, you heard me) to cast female counterparts to draw in the precious 18-35 female demographic. Here’s a list about what could have been had the following films taken note of such brilliant contributions as the aforementioned “Predator 2,” “The Wild Bunch” (women in that film drop like flies), and “Lawrence of Arabia” (just try to find a female speaking role). You might argue (and quite correctly) that some of the following films were not necessarily made to be relentless butcher pics, yet can you imagine what would have happened if they’d have removed the women, and let the natural course of man take charge? I can…

10. Independence Day (1996)

This one makes it onto the list, but just barely. “Independence Day” is a movie that’s so wholeheartedly awful that even if all female characters were (justifiably) removed from the screenplay, the movie would still struggle to keep itself afloat in the realm of watchable. But like many on this list, I ask you to look beyond what this film gave you, and peer into what might have been. So: Aliens invade Earth, Normandy-style, and it’s up to the air force to meet the threat in the skies above, fighting for what could be an entire third of the movie in a seemingly never-ending dogfight sequence (this aspect of the film was far too short). This is all aside from the fact that the movie completely neglected the possibilities afforded to a sub-plot/action sequence following the land invasion (which never happened)! Come on! That pretty much writes itself. Cast Denzel Washington as a ruthless Marine colonel leading his men to victory against an alien horde without air support for the first time in their history. Discard Jeff Goldblum’s and Bill Pullman’s romantic subplots, keep the story focused on the air, land, and space battles, and you’ve got a tidy, raucous 110 or so minutes of pure, undiluted action.

9. Crocodile Dundee (1986)

Who said this movie had to be a romantic comedy? The potential and ingredients are there, to be sure, so why was this so unrecognizably mangled? Well, check that, I think we all know why (immediate romantic interest insertion), but why did it have to happen this way? Couldn’t it have been a male reporter from New York who started going unnaturally tribal after a few weeks in the bush with Mick, killing poachers with massive fucking Outback knives in defense of the local aborigine broods? Why couldn’t that same reporter (male) have brought the hero back to New York, schooling Mick on the finer points of scoring coke and whores on the upper-east side at 3am? Why didn’t Dundee (Paul Hogan) and the appropriately masculine journalist fail to team up to fight crime and corruption in the Big Apple, double-wielding .45’s and Australian steel? Instead, we’re forced to endure seemingly endless hours of fish-out-of-water romantic fumblings, and a subway finale that could have improved dramatically if it took a page out of “Predator 2’”s playbook (who cares how the other-worldly creature makes it into the plot! Just work it out!).

8. The Breakfast Club (1985)

Nothing calms a bunch of high-school boys down like some ass in the room. Well, wait…let’s expound. True, adding chicks to a situation is usually enough of a catalyst to get shit started between two or more dudes, yet if allowed to remain, women tend to take attention off the pursuits men follow when the opposite sex is absent–mainly, killing and otherwise fucking each other up. When you’re thinking about getting laid, you’re thinking less about how you are going to exact revenge on that dude for looking at you sideways for that one second a few minutes ago. Had Molly Ringwald and Ally Sheedy been introduced, then mercilessly withdrawn as contest-prizes to see which two of the three would henceforth be known as men, a tribal, “Lord of the Flies”-like death match might have ensued within detention (three boys enter, two men leave!). Instead we get a full-circle, introspective look at high-school culture and the awkward gap between adolescence and adulthood. Personally, I would have liked to see Anthony Michael Hall pull the upset on Judd Nelson, matching up with Emilio Estevez in a bare-knuckle brawl to see who walks away with the prom queen. John Hughes, wake the fuck up!

7. King Kong (1933/1975/2005)

In any incarnation, this is a dreadful disappointment. One simple question: do we really NEED a woman for all of this? Why can’t we just get lost, stumble onto an island, wander stupidly around, meet the giant ape-bastard, and let mayhem ensue? Why not bring him back to New York without some stupid, screaming broad, let the fuzzy asshole get loose, and allow him BOTH hands to climb and otherwise screw with the army/national guard? Seriously! What if Kong had that other fist to intercept incoming bogeys with anti-aircraft shit-fire? I’ll tell you what! The finale would have expanded at least another fifteen minutes, and the world would be a better place for it! This film is one of the earliest examples of a movie reaching beyond what was necessary in order to get women off the streets, and into the theater seats. Even though its has seen revision and reinvention over the years, it has sadly not rectified the original mistake.

6. Interview With a Vampire (1994)

While some on this list (current movie included) started their lives on paper rather than celluloid, the fact remains: any number of stories of a motley array of incarnations can quickly dissolve into shit when women are inserted into the plot. For example, this movie gets things going at a fairly brisk pace; we meet our protagonist, get some cool flashbacks about the origins of vampiredom, and immediately get into the day-to-day intricacies of “living” amongst the undead. Sure, the movie veered wildly off course by not going into further depth about how cool the life of an immortal could be (why no World War I or II scenes for fuck’s sake?), yet give credit where due: The movie takes a left turn off the shit-cliff only after Kirsten Dunst comes into the picture. Indeed, rather than explore the nuts and bolts of the vampire-community-at-large (cruelly hinted at yet, never adequately explored), we are given a female lead to derail what might have been a most superb vampire experience. So thank you, Kirsten, as well as the author of this craptastic nightmare (also a woman from what I hear), you took the guts out of a truly awesome idea, and stuffed it instead with tampons and lipstick: well done!

5. Dances With Wolves (1990)

This is the first Civil War entry on the list, but it won’t be the last, I assure you. That more movies do not harvest this seemingly endless crop of wickedly awesome possibilities is a friggin’ mystery to me. This film is off to a good, manly start, throwing the audience directly into the armpit of a Civil War field hospital right as the protagonist is about to get his goddamned leg hacked off. This is followed by an escape from the same hospital, an absurdly Herculean cavalry charge, and a recklessly unexplained descent into hostile Indian country. While slowing its roll a bit after this, one might still hold out hope for a blood-letting of Roman, maybe even Biblical proportions from such a start. That is until Stands With a Fist (Mary McDonnell) entered the film, and ruined everything that might have been. Sure enough, as soon as the hero catches sight of her, everything that was hard about the film dies (ironic, no?), and descends into a shadow of its former self. What if John Dunbar (Kevin Costner) instead joins the Sioux, goes completely native, begins overtaking Midwestern wagon trains having become irreversibly addicted to the thrill of the hunt, and carries scalps at his belt. I could keep going with ideas with the awesome premise I’ve provided, but we must save room for an even greater Civil War disgrace…

4. Cold Mountain (2003)

Another Civil War entry, yet slightly higher on the list because of the appalling waste of potential afforded to a film with twice the special effects capabilities as “Dances With Wolves.” The opening is rock solid, turning down the suck to almost inaudible levels with a fairly faithful re-creation of one of the most FUBAR military operations in recorded history. For the first fifteen or so minutes, we get cleanly shot 19th-century mayhem, watching with giddy terror as the director thrusts the audience into one of the most crucial moments during the siege of Petersburg and the Civil War at large. Then what? Flashbacks, introspective character development, personal transformations, and fucking Nicole Kidman and Renee Zellweger! I would even forgive (begrudgingly) a movie for moving its story away from all the awesome promise of a Civil War battle epic to explore the terrible underbelly of a homefront terrified into hostile submission. Yet even here, the movie can’t help but to drift back to its female subplots, even when focusing on a man who somehow can’t resist bringing some stupid woman to mind every five seconds.

3. Superman (1978)

In any version or sequel, this particular superhero immediately signs his nuts over to the bond company, never to see them again. While many of his contemporaries are victims of the same crime (Spider-Man, Hulk, and even Batman in some versions, to name a few), repeatedly ruining otherwise decent films with female diversions in an absurd attempt to pad ticket sales and/or create a false sense of urgency, I’ve come to expect more from the Man of Steel. This guy isn’t some human with a vigilante streak or even some bumbling virgin with new-found powers: he’s a fucking alien whose abilities practically make him God on Earth. This fact alone allows for practically endless action-sequence possibilities involving combines, nuclear warheads, and great white sharks. While given tastes at times, these scenes always come to the audience in measured doses, as if the producers are afraid too much of the good stuff will paralyze the public into a coma of suspended awesome-shock. I issue this challenge to Bryan Singer: Give me a Superman movie without Lois Lane, and in return I will guarantee ticket sales in excess of $90 million the opening weekend. Seriously, I will cover the difference if it doesn’t meet or surpass that: That’s how sure I am that subtracting Lois and replacing her with relentless action will work. Need ideas for the script to make this happen? Just give me a call, Bryan, we can work this all out.

2. Every New Star Wars Film of the Last 10 Years

If I have to explain this to you, you shouldn’t even be reading this, you should be at a hardware store, buying the cheapest implements possible to castrate or otherwise sanitize yourself to keep from spreading your filth into the general population. True, Lucas and company didn’t exactly re-invent the cinematic wheel the first few times around, yet there was room to forgive since they were kind of making it up as they went along, inventing a new genre and franchise sub-division each step of the way. That Lucas fucked this up with all the money and optimism generated by the first three installments is and shall henceforth be listed in Webster’s under “Fuck-up.” True, Jar-Jar didn’t help, but that bastard was simply the cherry on top of an otherwise crapilicious shit sundae, begat in earnest by Natalie Portman. Again, though Hayden Christensen provided ample assistance, as did Jar-Jar before him, it was Portman and the relentless focus on a relationship nobody gave two shits about that drove this calamity into the side of the fucking mountain. That each film had a potent taste of awesome only made it worse, brief glimpses of Jedi duels and massive set-piece battles quickly brushed aside so that Anakin and Padme could stare longingly into each other’s eyes. Congrats, George, you’ve officially pissed your entire legacy down your leg. Where are you going to go? Disneyland? (My vote? Dr. Kevorkian’s trailer.)

1. Romeo & Juliet (1968/1996)

A friend of mine once told me that this is also a book, but I’ll check into that later. I’ve seen a couple different versions of this movie, and each time I keep hoping that a forward-thinking director with an actual pair between his legs will get a hold of this script and do it right. Again, like so many films on this list, the opening hits with such promise! You feel almost doubly betrayed at the cinematic cock-tease, having to endure not only a piece-of-shit movie, but also the stinging loss of what might very well have been. Seriously, it takes this movie all of two minutes to introduce some toughs and immediately get them fighting with the other gang’s crew. No set up, no character development: just jawing and dudes from both sides ripping out iron and stabbing at each other for glory, honor, and bitten thumbs. We get to our main character eventually, and with no lack of glee as we hear he’s just broken up with his girlfriend, falsely enticing the audience into believing we’re about to enter a revenge-heavy therapy-kill-fest. But no–true to real life, the whiny bitch that is Romeo immediately gets on the rebound, and drop-kicks the movie into douche-baggery. Not even his friend getting shiv’d by the only badass in Verona (Tybalt is totally hard) is enough to get Romeo to come around for much more than an accidental cry-kill, which he immediately ruins by running off as opposed to setting the corpse of his fallen foe afire, and pissing defiantly on the ashes (he totally should have). Instead, Romeo and his ever-present jail-bait die together, yet somehow alone, deserving every inch of their tragic deaths in order to compensate for ruthlessly lame, uneventful lives.

Tags: 10, best, films, list, movies, no, romantic, subplot, ten, top, Top 10 Movies Ruined by a Female Presence, Top 10 Movies Ruined by Women, Worst

Today’s excellent Top 10 comes from the man behind Transbuddha. If you have a list you’d like to contribute, just email Eric at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s the list:

Ah, Valentine’s Day! It’s the day when thoughts turn to love, commercials stab at every feeling of loneliness and alienation, and studios unleash even more crap into the cinematic graveyard that is the Jan/Feb/March release cycle. Personally I find it rather telling that an media form that has given us so many phenomenal love stories over the years has such a craptastic batting average when it comes to releasing around Valentine’s Day. Then again, I’ve been accused of having a weird sensibility when it comes to love stories. Well, let’s prove it one way or another with this Transbuddha powered list of my personal favorite Top 10 Weirdo Couples.

To clarify a point: “weirdo” is a bit of a misnomer in this case, and it’s a pretty wide umbrella in my book, hence the inclusion of ‘unlikely’. I’m thinking of couples that are equal parts k-razy as well as couples that all things being equal shouldn’t work (but do nonetheless). Safe and sane may make for stability and consistent tax returns, but I think we all know crazy wins bigger points for style. So without further ado, let’s take a stroll down Lover’s Lane with the odd, the unlikely, and the just plain bat-shit crazy couples we’ve come to love…

10. Harold & Maude (from Harold & Maude, coincidentally enough)

I figured I might as well get this one out of the way. Sure, the fresh-faced and mortality-obsessed Harold (Bud Cort) certainly makes an odd paramour for the feisty octogenarian Maude (Ruth Gordon), but here’s why it doesn’t rank any higher: Hal Ashby’s iconic film tells a story in which the all-too-brief love affair between the two makes perfect sense. There’s some comedic cringe factor moments, to be sure, but there’s never a point when you can’t figure out the attraction.

In some ways it’s a slightly more hopeful bookend to that more famous (and certainly more cynical) May-December screen coupling from “The Graduate.” Where Ben’s bland innocence was destroyed by Mrs. Robinson’s purely carnal motives, Maude’s experiences propel Harold out of the ennui he’s mired in and push him to focus less on death and more on actually living his life. (There’s ample room in that comparison to break down the effect the Vietnam War had on an entire generation’s sense of purpose, but frankly… blah blah blah. Let’s get back to the fun.)

9. Léon & Mathilda (from Léon aka The Professional)

From one end of the May-December spectrum to another! Take one ruthlessly efficient mass-murdering man-child and throw him together with a naive twelve-year-old forced to grow up after the brutal murder of her family and what do you get? A love story for the ages, that’s what! While there’s certainly no shortage of cheap joke fodder to be found in this pairing, let’s leave that aside and look at the setup.

Jean Reno’s Léon is an illiterate, hermetic hit-man whose only companion is a potted plant. Natalie Portman’s Mathilda is a surface tough cookie who has had the entire foundation of her life ripped away, and no amount of guile in the world will make up for the very simple need for her to have a safe, loving home. Who better than Léon to be the anchor of that, even doomed as he is by Mathilda’s equally basic need for revenge? Ick factor aside, it’s a beautiful setup and certainly the largest part of what sets Léon apart from the overly-crowded revenge action film masses. With neither one really capable of conceiving anything other than a very child-like notion of love, you get a love story that manages to skirt around what would otherwise be a notoriously bad idea for an onscreen romance.

8. Cop 663 & Faye (from Chungking Express)

Quite frankly I could pick a couple from just about any Wong Kar-wai film to fill a weirdo couple slot (since the man has made an entire career out of unlikely or damaged couples), but the heartbroken cop (Tony Leung) and the impish counter-girl (Faye Wong) who loves him (and loves rearranging his apartment while he’s out) from the second story of Chungking Express will always be my hands-down favorite.

All the more notable for how little screen time Faye and Cop 663 spend together, it’s a love story about potential and what we do when we can’t yet be together. In Faye’s case it means breaking into 663’s apartment while he’s out, but you know…that’s how love goes. Rather than typical stalker stuff Faye cleans his apartment, replaces dead fish, and swaps out orange flip-flops for blue flip-flops, subtly remaking his apartment in her own image while he pines for an airline hostess that broke his heart. It’s goofy, innocent fun set to Wong’s own cover of the Cranberries’ “Dreams” (which I have graciously included to the right). If you can get to the end of this movie without a big dopey grin on your face, I feel more than a little sad for you.

7. Anthony & Inez (from Bottle Rocket)

Another goofy charmer. Sure, Wes Anderson’s cinematic debut is a heist-comedy, but the sub-plot romance between the bourgeois-burdened Anthony (Luke Wilson) and hotel maid Inez (Lumi Cavazos) is such a charming aside that the courtship montage (set to Love’s “Alone Again Tonight”) remains of my favorite Wes Anderson moments. For those of you who haven’t seen it (shame, shame!) Anthony is holed up in rinkydink roadside hotel with his fellow crooks-in-waiting after knocking over (if you could even call it that) a bookstore. While maniac Dignan and mopey Bob obsess over their burgeoning criminal career, Anthony is completely derailed by shy charms of Spanish-speaking Inez. He’d rather help her on her rounds than get a new incognito haircut, and she is taken by his goofy openness.

I included this couple not because it’s such a charming sub-plot (though it is), but because Wes Anderson hits it exactly right: Even Inez understands that Anthony is for the most part a hapless dope, and that ordinarily his presence in her life would be nothing more than so much litter floating down the highway, but love isn’t exactly rational.

6. Hi & Ed (from Raising Arizona)

In addition to being one of my all-time favorite comedies, Raising Arizona has Hi & Ed, easily the best Coen Brothers couple ever (sorry, Marge & Norm Gunderson). Hi is a mostly harmless, goodhearted career criminal (”It ain’t ‘armed robbery’ if the gun ain’t loaded…”) and Ed’s an uptight booking officer (whose insides are a rocky place, where Ed’s seed can find no purchase) with baby on the brain. Together their corresponding neurosis lead them down the road to kidnapping one of the famous ‘Arizona Quints’ to be their very own, setting up one of the best crime-gone-wrong comedies of all time.

Throw in an other-worldly bounty hunter, two bumbling felons, a wife-swapping tool (and his Marie Osmond-on-crack wife), and you’ve got a series of events that would test even the most mentally stable of couples. They’re not bad people - they just make some seriously dumb decisions, but in the end it’s their unwavering love for one another that gets them through the day.

5. Danny & Freya (from The Year My Voice Broke)

Here’s where I start digging into my little-seen gem box. John Duigan’s 1987 semi-autobiographical film about growing up in 1960’s rural Australia is one of my all-time favorite films, and certainly one of the best coming-of-age films ever made. The straightforwardness with which Danny (Noah Taylor in his film debut) and Freya’s (Loene Carmen) never-to-be had relationship is handled is at times so unblinkingly honest as to be personally hard to watch (Noah seems far too much like myself at that age), but there’s something timeless about two kids from the wrong side of the tracks struggling to navigate the choppy waters between youth and adulthood. Danny is one-part cynic to three parts romantic fool (see below), and even he knows his charms will never compete against the bad boy Trevor who captures Freya’s attention.

I’m including Danny and Freya not just because I’m a long-standing evangelist for the film (and its sequel Flirting), but because for as much as you want Danny to get the girl, you know he won’t. And that’s what makes it work.

4. Clarence & Alabama (from True Romance)

Buried within the train wreck that is “True Romance” lay one sweet gem of a couple: The bumbling comic-book nerd (Christian Slater in what would be his last stab at cultural relevance) and the as-recently-as-this-date ex-hooker (a pre-supernatural Patricia Arquette), who loves him. Tony Scott had little idea how to handle the Tarantino script, but he knew well enough to leave Tarantino’s not-yet-then trademarked dialogue alone. The sheer bone-headedness of their decisions almost elevates them to Coen Bros. territory, but theirs is a love pure Quentin as evidenced by their initial courtship scene (see video).

Ordinarily the pairing would grate on my nerves to no end, but the abandon with which these two commit to one another strikes a resounding note on those ‘everybody has someone who loves them’ strings that Hollywood loves to tangle with. And like most Tarantino characters, Clarence and Alabama are willing to go well past the edge in order to stay together. Originally the script called for Clarence to die in that overblown Mexican stand-off at the finale, but here’s one case where I’m glad the happy ending won out.

3. Lloyd & Diane (from Say Anything…)

Much like Wong Kar-wai, Cameron Crowe has an entire filmography lined with couples who shouldn’t (and mostly likely wouldn’t) work, but there’s one film that deserves extra attention here. A romantic comedy so iconic that an entire generation of women think of Lloyd Dobler is the perfect man, and for which an entire generation of men hate his guts (for setting the bar so damn high). While the amiable, kickboxing Lloyd and high school valedictorian Diane certainly seem a little mismatched, can we really consider their pairing weirdo or unlikely? Well, yes. And here’s why:

There’s no way in hell these two stay together after the movie ends.

I mean, really now… She’s going to Oxford where she’ll be surrounded by no shortage of smart, funny, gents with no shortage of charm and sophistication. He’s uh…gonna do something or another. Can anyone really say they see this romance working out? I’ve got one phrase that sums up why they’re doomed: English accents. In my head Diane’s story is continued via the little-seen Rachel Papers (from the Martin Amis book), wherein Ione Skye plays an American student attending Oxford who has her heart broken by a self-absorbed cad (a phenomenal Dexter Fletcher), but I’ll forgive everyone for not making the same assumption.

But let’s face it: Lloyd and Diane are not gonna make it, and the fact that their courtship is one of my age groups go-to films for screen romance makes them an easy entry on this list.

2. Richie & Margot (from The Royal Tenenbaums)

Yeah, you thought this was going to be Lolita & Humbert Humbert, didn’t you? Ha-ha! In your face, predictability! Well, my Lit-nerd past with Nabakov keeps me from listing that one (that is a discussion for another day), but let’s go with something even more taboo by modern standards: Brother and Sister, by way of Wes Anderson. Granted, Richie (Luke Wilson) and Margot (Gwenyth Paltrow) are adoptive siblings, but that’s close enough to count.

Their unconsummated affair works because quite frankly, we WANT it to work. We want these two broken-down souls to have some degree of happiness in their lives, and they’re such a perfect match for one another that legal status aside, you can’t but help to find their final solution to their attraction painfully bittersweet. It’s none-too-subtly implied that their most self-destructive of choices have been the result of being apart, but when even the none-too-concerned-with-propriety Royal Tenenbaum himself gives pause at the thought of them together, there’s little hope that Richie and Margot will ever be at peace with their decision. And that makes for both a weirdo and unlikely coupling.

1. Sailor & Lulu (from Wild at Heart)

I can already hear the ‘What?’. Bear with me. Barry Gifford’s pulp-novel couple was a train-wreck to start with, but letting David Lynch play in their sandbox ups the ante to a whole other level. Oh yes, we’re firmly in weirdo territory now. Sailor (Nicholas Cage) is an Elvis obsessed ex-con for whom trouble is a constant (and often violent) companion. Lulu (Laura Dern) is the dim bulb party girl who comes by her crazy naturally: via her certifiably, capitol C, crazy mother (Dern’s real-life mom, Diane Ladd), who is bound and determined to keep them apart. Together Sailor and Lulu are less a couple in love than a destructive force of nature, leaving no end of bad times in their wake. Do they love each other? You better believe it. Check out what happens when an innocent night of dancing get interrupted by a barroom lothario with wandering hands:

Gentlemen, there is your romantic standard: Beat a man down, and then serenade your love with “Treat Me Like a Fool”. Of course, if you follow that standard you might soon find yourself on the run from voodoo-obsessed killers. Not to mention embroiled in one hell of a bloody bank robbery with one of David Lynch’s most unsavory casts ever. But in the end love will win out, even if it means belting out “Love Me Tender” through a viciously broken nose on a desolate business loop road.

So there you have it, my Top 10 Weirdo & Unlikely Couples which, despite the Joycean nature of my rambling, arrives well in time for you to update your Netflix queue for a night of snuzzling, fun, and larceny (both grand and petty, depending on your rating from the MPAA). Sure these might not be the ideal date movie, but it’s certainly got to be better than sitting through The Notebook….

Tags: 10, couples, romance, romantic, top, Top 10 Lists, top ten, unlikely valentine's day, weirdo