“Halloween II” was not shown to press, but last night contributor Phil Fava attended a midnight screening just so he could file this report. Here’s Phil:

What was I expecting, here? I don’t know. I didn’t necessarily anticipate good taste or stunning craftsmanship, but I definitely didn’t anticipate this. Truth be told, I’m just angry. I was angry at this movie immediately. I almost want to forgo writing a review and send the director a list of my grievances instead. I’m not scared; I’m resentful.

Isn’t Zombie supposed to be a massive horror movie buff? Shouldn’t he be clued in slightly to what works and what doesn’t? I just wanna grab him and scream, “Stop trying to humanize your villain! Please! It completely works against you and serves no useful purpose!” Showing Michael as a small child with deep affection for his mother doesn’t make him scarier.

Anton Chigurh (”No Country for Old Men”) and Heath Ledger’s Joker were a thousand times more menacing than this limp juggernaut could ever be, and that’s because the Coen Brothers and Christopher Nolan had the good sense to avoid giving those characters lame expository passages to explain their behaviors. Every murder in this movie hits precisely the wrong note. Michael Myers is not seen as a malevolent force; he’s seen as an oaf with bizarre hallucinations who obeys his wraith-like mother’s every command.

When I see a human being murdering another human being, it doesn’t scare me. It just upsets me. It’s ugly and depressing. And honestly, even if this hacky, borderline-Oedipal character treatment had been done well, it still would’ve been counterproductive. But, for the record, it wasn’t. It was cheesy and embarrassing.

What else? Oh yeah. Nausea and fear are not interchangeable conditions. Carefully showing me a person’s stab wounds, again, does not scare me. It grosses me out. It makes me queasy. Never, ever confuse this with the kind of sensation experienced when watching a horror movie made with prowess and integrity (like, for instance, the original “Halloween”). He might as well be showing us feces.

Also, I’ve had it with the parade of grotesqueness. Another major self-defeating portion of this movie is attributable to Zombie’s penchant for giving us awful, insufferable, disgusting, scummy characters who exist merely so they can cease to do so moments later. This renders every killing totally inconsequential. Why should I care when Myers decapitates an ambulance driver who’s spent all his screen time happily discussing necrophilia? Why should I care when Myers bludgeons two men to death who’ve both just assaulted him for trespassing?

Even the color palette is completely inappropriate. The grungy look accentuates the wretchedness of these characters and augments the audience’s disinterest in their deaths. If the victims are cruel and arguably deserving and even the undeserving ones inhabit a dreary, unrealistic world, how can I conjure up any level of sympathy for them? How can I have a stake in their survival?

This is basic stuff, Zombie. Seriously, what the hell are you doing? Haven’t you made a few movies already? Have you learned nothing from them? Even if this were your first film, it’s not like you didn’t have an impeccable frame of reference. You’re remaking good movies and changing everything about them that made them so.

I felt a lot of things while I was watching “Halloween II”: depression, annoyance, discomfort. Mostly, it made me want to shower. This is an ugly, clumsy, surprisingly awful film. Like I said, I didn’t expect high art. But I definitely didn’t expect to hate it. And I really hated it. So did my fellow audience members. They, too, were disinterested. They didn’t scream. They didn’t gasp. They laughed when they weren’t supposed to. As a matter of fact, laughter was their only audible response. Let’s just say a prayer for Malcom McDowell and move on with our lives.

Tags: film, Halloween 2, Halloween II, movie, new, remake, review, rob zombie, zombie

If you are thinking about buying “Let the Right One In” on DVD soon–DON’T DO IT! Jim Emerson has the scoop on one of the best movies of the year getting royally screwed with “stripped down, horribly translated subtitles.” Apparently, Magnolia/Magnet has reportedly said that, in response to viewer objections, it will correct the error on future pressings, but there will be no refunds.

Rob Zombie spilled the beans on his latest movie “Tyrannosaurus Rex,” which is in development, to MTV:

“It’s not a horror movie. It’s like an incredibly violent ’70s action movie. I can’t think of anything that’s like it. Just a gritty, gnarly, violent movie. But it’s not a horror movie in any way. It’s sort of like a cross between that Dustin Hoffman movie ‘Straight Time’ mixed with ‘Raging Bull’… sort of,” said Zombie. “I want to make a serious movie about this washed-up prizefighter who’s got this self-destructive tendency, and he comes out of prison and the only way he knows how to survive is by fighting. But his boxing career is over so he gets caught up in this sort of underground fight ring. But it’s all set in the ’70s, so it’s not like an ‘Ultimate Fighting’ type thing. It’s more like just nasty. It’s like if ‘Every Which Way But Loose’ was a serious movie. How about that? Minus the orangutan. [laughs]”

Wes Anderson’s new movie, an animated adaptation of Roald Dahl’s book “Fantastic Mr. Fox,” started early test screenings this past weekend. George Clooney, Cate Blanchett, Jason Schwartzman, Meryl Streep, Bill Murray, and Anjelica Huston, and Michael Gambon supply the voices and Jarvis Cocker from Pulp has been writing some of the songs.

According to The Playlist, Edgar Wright’s “Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World” has started principal photography in Toronto, Canada. The “Shaun of the Dead” and “Hot Fuzz” director will direct Michael Cera in a movie that takes place in the Canadian music scene of the late 90s/early oughts and music for the bands that appear in the movie will be handled by Sloan, Metric, Broken Social Scene, and Radiohead producer Nigel Godrich.

A sequel to J.J. Abrams‘ upcoming “Star Trek” reboot–due out May 8–is reportedly being fast-tracked. Abrams collaborators Roberto Orci, Alex Kurtzman and Damon Lindelof have been hired to write (as if they weren’t already busy enought with TV shows “Lost” and “Fringe”).

Jim Jarmusch’s new hitman drama “The Limits of Control,” starring Issach De Bankolé, Bill Murray, Gael Garcia Bernal, Tilda Swinton and Paz De La Huerta, is due out in limited release on May 1.

David Cronenberg is moving forward with a sequel to “Eastern Promises” starring Viggo Mortensen (who would reprise his Oscar-nominated role).

Mike Judge has the worst luck with theatrical releases. First, “Office Space” flops in theaters (before later becoming a cult classic on DVD), and then “Idiocracy” gets move and dumped into a couple theaters before ending up on DVD and becoming a…well..cult film. His new comedy, “Extract,” stars Jason Bateman, Ben Affleck, Kristen Wiig, and Mila Kunis, and has been given a release date of September 4. Good luck, Mike!

The man behind the “Evil Dead” and “Spider-Man” franchises is returning to the horror genre with “Drag Me to Hell.” The Sam Raimi-directed horror flick, which promises to be a return to form of sorts to the “Evil Dead” style, showed at SXSW in an unfinished cut. It stars Alison Lohman and Justin Long and comes out May 29. The poster has just arrived, courtesy Shocktilyoudrop.com. Check it.

Tags: 2009, extract, Fantastic Mr. Fox, Hollywood Clipjoint, Jim Jarmusch, mike judge, New Movie News, rob zombie, The Limits of Control, Tyrannosaurus Rex, wes anderson

By now you’ve probably heard that there is a legal battle brewing over who has the rights to “Watchmen.” This New York Times article (ironically entitled “Scene Stealer” - obviously they know I’m excited for it) features an accurate timeline of the project and goes over the repercussions of a ruling. Can a judge actually block the release of the film (which director Kevin Smith claims to have seen already!) until the whole mess is sorted out? It happened with that cinematic masterpiece “The Dukes of Hazzard.”

In an unprecedented move for a movie studio (who by their very nature seem to resist future distribution models), Warner Bros. is allowing 85 of their best catalog movies to be shown on iTunes. It’s all part of the studio’s 85th Anniversary special, and it means that for $2.99 you can “rent” a virtual copy of “Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure” or “The Shining” for that long airplane trip on your iPhone or iPod. Or, for $9.99, you get to keep a digital copy of “Casablanca” or “All the President’s Men” on your Apple device for as long as you want (or until that damn bettery runs out and your warranty is gone and you have to get yourself another, cooler, newer model of whatever the device has morphed into anyway - a toaster perhaps?). They have made available a pretty varied selection, including “Cool Hand Luke,” “Dog Day Afternoon,” Hitchcock classics like “Strangers on a Train,” and…wait for it… “fear dot com.”

Speaking of iPods, I’ve been watching director Baz Luhrman’s (extremely well produced)production diaires on iTunes for free for a couple of months now. Even though they pretty much amount to nothing more than basic DVD extra-type behind-the-scenes shorts, it’s fun to look at the sets and massive scope of the “Moulin Rouge” filmmaker’s newest project “Australia,” starring Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman. The news today is that the feature has been pushed back to Nov. 26 to give Luhrmann more time to complete the movie. He’s reportedly shooting pick-up scenes with the stars now. However long it takes is cool with me, as long as the director is happy with the final cut.

Briefly: Christopher Nolan has yet to sign on to another Batman movie … Bryan Singer is still in for another Superman film, but only with a seriously more badass villain (I liked “Returns;” this is why) … oh goody! Another “Halloween” remake/reboot/rehash, this time without Rob Zombie … Screenwriter Roberto Orci has answered some fan-submitted questions about the upcoming “Transformers” sequel … Wanna see an Oscar-nominated doc on YouTube for free in its entirely? I thought you might. Starting next week: see “No End in Sight,” a probing, insider’s look what make sup a colossal failure … “The Muppet Show” is coming back to TV after 27 years off? … A trailer for “Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Animated Series”, featuring voices of the Joss Whedon TV show’s cast mysteriously popped up online, even though the show probably will never see the light of day. Watch it below:

Tags: australia pushed back baz luhrmann, buffy the vampire slayer tv show, dark knight sequel, halloween sequel, iPhone, no end in sight, rob zombie, transformers 2, warner bros. movies on ipod, watchmen legal battle