This weekend “The Men Who Stare at Goats” will enter theaters with George Clooney leading an impressive cast (Jeff Bridges, Kevin Spacey, Ewan McGregor) behind the curtain for a very strange peek into arguably the most powerful organization around—the U.S. military. Seeing the movie made me think immediately of another great Clooney film that takes a skewed look at the military (see #4). Next thing you know, I had a list. What follows are the Top 10 Military Comedies, but there are a couple of omissions: “Starship Troopers” has been left off due to it’s sci-fi slant and “Good Morning Vietnam” simply didn’t make the cut. Coming up with some military comedies on the other end of the spectrum (Steve Martin’s “Sgt. Bilko,” Damon Wayans’ “Major Payne,” Pauly Shore’s “In the Army Now”) was easy. Anyway, here’s my list of Top 10 Military Comedies. Enjoy!

10. Private Benjamin (1980)

Goldie Hawn plays a spoiled rich girl who joins the Army when her brand new husband (Albert Brooks) drops dead on their wedding night. This movie was a huge hit when it came out, but it hasn’t aged particularly well. It works better as a silly comedy, mostly because of Hawn and co-star Eileen Brennan, who plays her domineering captain. It’s got a pretty standard riches-to-rags story where Hawn comes out a stronger, more independent woman, and the third act romance doesn’t gel with the rest of the film. It still has some pretty inspired comedic moments, though, all coming from the fish-out-of-water setup. “Legally Blonde” owes this movie some serious royalties.

9. Mister Roberts (1955)

Jack Lemmon won the Best Supporting Actor Oscar for this Navy-based WWII film that was adapted from the 1946 novel and 1948 Broadway play. Henry Fonda headed the hit Broadway play and hadn’t starred in a movie in eight years before this. Ironically, director John Ford—who insisted on casting Fonda in the movie’s lead role too—butted heads with Fonda one too many times and was eventually replaced by Mervyn LeRoy. Watching the film, you wouldn’t know it. (LeRoy even reportedly told the cast he would finish it the way Ford would have.) Fonda, Lemmon, James Cagney, and William Powell (in his last performance) are all stellar, and although its very funny at times, “Mister Roberts” is also a surprisingly thoughtful movie as well.

8. Catch-22 (1970)

“Thoughtful” is about the last word I would use to describe Mike Nichols’ rambling adaptation of the classic Joseph Heller anti-war novel “Catch-22.” Even though its all over the place, the film (written by Buck Henry, who also stars) is pretty hardcore black humor and has lots of genuinely inspired moments. Alan Arkin is a reluctant WWII bombardier who pretends he’s crazy to get out of flying more missions and a huge cast of actors (Orson Welles, Martin Balsam, Richard Benjamin, Norman Fell, Art Garfunkel, Jack Gilford, Bob Newhart, Anthony Perkins, Martin Sheen, and Jon Voight) are peppered throughout the flashback-strewn madness. The movie should have connected more with a country knee-deep in a very unpopular war, but audiences flocked to see another anti-Vietnam allegory that year instead (see #6).

7. Stripes (1981)

Ha ha ha ha! Once again, this movie couldn’t be more different than the one before it on this list. A quick-witted slacker (Bill Murray) joins the Army with his best friend (Harold Ramis) after having the worst day ever. Tonally, the film is smart-assed, reckless, and anti-authority rather than staunchly anti-war. Murray makes fun of pretty much everybody he comes in contact with, including superior officer Sgt. Hulka, played by a superchrged Warren Oates. (Shades of “Private Benjamin,” perhaps?) Murray’s calm yet anarchic demeanor carries the entire film, having perfected his lackadaisical loser character, and when he and Ramis steal the top secret Urban Assault Vehicle they are supposed to be guarding to go and visit two pretty female MPs, he somehow comes out on top and ends up saving the day. One commonality with “Catch-22″: an all-star supporting cast (John Candy, Judge Reinhold, John Larroquette, Sean Young, P.J. Soles, Joe Flaherty, Timothy Busfield, and young Bill Paxton in a small role).

6. M*A*S*H (1970)

[Originally appeared on the Top 10 Subversive Comedies list.) Although it is set in Korea, Robert Altman’s anti-establishment comedy was actually a not-so-thinly veiled and pointed attack on the then-raging Vietnam War. Donald Sutherland and Elliott Gould are two military surgeons struggling to maintain their sanity through boozing, sex, and an utter contempt for authority in this cultural watershed movie. Altman’s almost complete disregard for Ring Larder Jr.’s script and his improvisatory style of shooting scared not only the studio, but also the film’s stars. “Donald and Elliott went in about a quarter of the way through the picture and tried to have me fired because they said I was going to ruin their careers,” Altman said. Struggles with the studio finally ceased after a wildly successful preview screening and the movie went on to gross $80 million and signal a new era of filmmaking in Hollywood. Not everyone agrees it’s a classic, though, as one of our user-contributed Top 10 lists had this film at #3 of the Most Overrated Movies.

5. Inglourious Basterds (2009)

Some of you may be screaming “Too soon!” Go right ahead. Others may say “It’s not a comedy!” Well, then, I’d like you to explain to me why I was laughing so damned hard every time Brad Pitt opened his mouth. This movie does what Quentin Tarantino does best—blend comedy and drama into one outwardly insane but (upon further examination) very focused piece of entertainment. No one embraces lowbrow and highbrow mentalities at once with the skill that Tarantino does, and this year’s surprise WWII revenge fantasy hit is proof of that. Christoph Waltz will more than likely walk away with the Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his portrayal of the frighteningly intense Col. Hans Landa, but don’t forget that he and Pitt were also riotously funny as well.

4. Three Kings (1999)

Speaking of a film that blends multiple feels and genres, here’s a freaking great underrated classic with unusual bragging rights. David O. Russell’s black comedy “Three Kings,” set in the bleached sand of post-Persian Gulf War Iraq circa 1991, is successful as a character drama, a comedy, a war picture, a western, a satire, a visceral action film, a heist movie, and a slice of angry political discourse. Like 1970’s “Kelly’s Heroes,” it follows a group of soldiers looking for a windfall. In “Three Kings,” it’s Kuwaiti gold bullion and George Clooney gets Ice Cube, Mark Wahlberg, and Spike Jonze wrapped up in his scheme. Things go wrong in ways you could never imagine and each man is truly tested. Russell’s on-set battles with Clooney—and just about everybody, it seems—are famous (almost as famous as Ford and Fonda on “Mister Roberts”), so maybe the tension helped. Either way, this is one intense and absurd movie that wants to have it all ways and deserves kudos for succeeding.

3. Duck Soup (1933)

[Originally appeared on the Top 10 Political Movies list.] The last film released by the Marx Brothers under the Paramount studio is also their best. The title was slang for “something that’s easy to do,” and in this case it refers to running a country and starting a war. Rufus T. Firefly (Groucho Marx) is appointed head of a small, bankrupt country called Freedonia who almost immediately declares war. A ridiculous send-up production number called “We’re Going to War” follows. There may not be any grand statement that adds up to much here, but there sure are a ton of little ones that whiz by during the movie’s short running time (about 68 minutes). The Marx Brothers anarchic disregard for all things political make this a more cynical movie than most of their catalog, and an easy one to laugh at these days. Perhaps the non-stop ribbing of a Marx Brothers comedy was too much for audiences to take when it originally came out. The film wasn’t exactly a flop, but it wasn’t the gigantic hit that was expected, coming off the heels of the boys’ previous monster hit, “Horse Feathers.”

2. The Last Detail (1973)

Director Hal Ashby’s best movie starred Jack Nicholson and Otis Young as sailors who must escort a young Randy Quaid to a Naval prison for an unjust eight-year sentence. As they become grow to like  the young kid, they show him the ropes of being a man (getting laid, getting in fights, etc.) and get increasingly more angry at the system. This picture is lewdly anti-authority and rightly infamous for giving its characters the kind of potty-mouths that Navy men are supposed to have. Ashby and screenwriter Robert Towne (”Chinatown,” “Shampoo”) were also taking full advantage of the then-new MPAA ratings system. Ashby’s jump-cut edits make the film—which has a typical buddy flick structure—seem as edgy as its language is. And Nicholson gives one of his best performances, right between his the famous rebelliousness of his characters from “Easy Rider” and “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.”

1. Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)

OK, I understand that Stanley Kubrick’s crack Cold War satire appears at the top of several of my lists. I’m also aware that I have previously mentioned that I need to stop putting it on lists. Yet here it is at number one again. How can that happen, you may ask? Well, can you imagine anything else being number one on this list? Nope? Me neither. Besides the mutually puffed-up and insecure histrionics of the George C. Scott and Peter Sellers in the war room, I will never be able to shake Sterling Hayden’s hilarious and over-the-top General Jack D. Ripper, who said, with the utmost seriousness and intent of purpose: “Today, war is too important to be left to politicians. They have neither the time, the training, nor the inclination for strategic thought. I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.” It may be set in a very specific time, but the fears “Strangelove” preys on are (unfortunately) eternal.

Tags: air force, army, Best Military Comedies, comedy, films, marines, military, movies, navy, Top 10 Military Comedies, Top Ten Military Comedies

Today’s Top 10 is a good one for the people who love Halloween but don’t like being scared as much as they like the costumes and fun of it all. Brian Reeves from Kansas City contributed this good-humored list of funny horror films. If you have a Top 10 list you’d like to contribute, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Brian:

Another Halloween is upon us, which means it’s time for costume parties, trick-or-treating with the kids, and scary movies. Well, not always “scary” movies. I consider myself a big horror movie buff. I’m the guy in college who watched every horror movie I could get my hands on. Good ones, bad ones I didn’t care, if it falls in the horror section, chances are I’ve seen it. But I figure there are going to be a lot of articles this week talking about scary movies you should watch for Halloween, so I’m going to take this one in a little different direction. I was originally going to write a list of the Top 10 reasons “Paranormal Activity” was a sucky movie, but I decided there was only so many creative ways to call a movie boring and uneventful. (Really, a slightly moving door and people standing in the dark is scary? Really?) Instead, I decided to have some fun with this list. After all, isn’t Halloween really about having fun? Dressing up as crazy things, getting together with your friends or family, and having a good time is what it’s all about. With that in mind, my thoughts immediately turned to one of my favorite films of the year, “Zombieland.” It’s a perfect combination of a few scares and good laughs–a perfect movie for this time of year. So with out further ado, here are my Top 10 fun movies to enjoy on Halloween.

10. Transylvania 6-5000 (1985)

Okay, there’s more comedy here then horror to start off, but this one is safe for the whole family. A movie financed by the Dow chemical company in order to spend “frozen” finances that the company had in Yugoslavia, this 80’s comedy takes us straight to the heart of classic monster country. Frankenstein has reappeared in Transylvania and an American tabloid wants in on the story. They dispatch two reporters, Jack Harrison (Jeff Goldblum) and Gil Turner (Ed Begley Jr.) to investigate. With Carol Kane, Geena Davis, Jeffery Jones, and Michael Richards all making appearances in the film, it’s like a name-that-actor trivia challenge for the adults in the room. The presence of the Wolfman, two hunchback lab assistants, and even a mummy makes sure all of the classic Transylvania monsters are present to get in on the fun. Campy, Cheesy, Perfect.

Gil Turner: Do you smell perfume?
Jack Harrison: Yes. I know what was in this room.
Gil Turner: What?
Jack Harrison: The Creature from Estee Lauder.

9. Mars Attacks! (1996)

I had a hard time deciding if this movie even belonged on the list since it’s really more sci-fi than horror. But then I decided, “Screw it. It’s my list anyway, who cares!” The first film from director Tim Burton to appear on this list, “Mars Attacks!” is a campy send-up of 1950s alien invasion movies. The premise here is simple: The aliens are invading, they do not come in peace, and what the hell are we going to do about it? It’s the little things here that keep this one so near and dear to my heart. From the rayguns that take their sound from “War of the Worlds” to the subtle background taken straight from “Plan 9 From Outer Space” when the aliens first address earth, this film really shows it’s love for old-style matinee B-movies. “Mars Attacks!” also features yet another cast that reads as a who’s who of Hollywood, with Jack Nicholson, Glenn Close, Annette Bening, Danny DeVito, Michael J. Fox and many, many more recognizable faces (including one of the early roles for Jack Black) all come together to make this easily the most impressive cast on this list.

President Dale: I want the people to know that they still have two out of three branches of the government working for them, and that ain’t bad.

8. The Frighteners (1996)

Looks like 1996 was a pretty good year. Long before he was spinning tales about hobbits and rings, Peter Jackson was making some amazingly twisted horror movies. And while I love “Bad Taste” and “Dead Alive,” the Michael J. Fox vehicle “The Frighteners” is his film that makes the most sense for this list. Fox plays Frank Bannister, a psychic who can see and talk to ghosts. He uses this skill to open his own ghostbusting business.I don’t want to give too much away with this one, just know that this movie is a rollercoaster thrill ride and here things are never quite what the seem. Featuring great supporting performances from Jake Busey and R. Lee Ermey, “The Frighteners” is sure put you on the edge of your seat and tickle your funny bone at the same time.

Frank Bannister: Why is it that flies stick to you guys like shit to a blanket?
Cyrus: Ha ha, very funny. You’re a funny guy, Frank. You know, all you think about is
yourself. I could complain, too, you know. I would like some new clothes. You get to dress
nice. Here I am still looking like Linc from The Mod Squad.
Frank Bannister: You died in the 70’s. It’s a bummer.

7. Bubba Ho-Tep (2002)

Elvis and JFK, both alive and in a nursing home, fight for the souls of their fellow residents as they battle an ancient Egyptian mummy. Yes, you read that correctly. All that needs to be known about this movie can be summed up in four words: Bruce Campbell as Elvis. Well, what are you waiting for, go watch it! I mean like, right now!

Elvis: Ask not what your rest home can do for you. Ask what you can do for your rest home.
JFK: Hey, you’re copying my best lines!
Elvis: Then let me paraphrase one of my own. Let’s take care of business.
JFK: Just what are you getting at, Elvis?
Elvis: I think you know what I’m gettin’ at Mr. President. We’re gonna kill us a mummy.

6. From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)

Welcome back. A little more serious than the movies on this list so far, this Quentin Tarantino-written, Robert Rodriguez-directed journey into a lair of Mexican vampires is a little hard to classify. It starts out as a Tarantino-like crime movie about two brother bank robbers on the run. They take a family hostage to cross into Mexico, and then abruptly it turns into a B-movie horror splatterfest. While some point to the film’s unevenness as a flaw, I think it just adds to the fun. It certainly keeps it from getting boring. George Clooney and Harvey Keitel both help the movie keep its serious side, while never undermining the B-movie late night fun this film is obviously intended to be. Danny Trejo and Tom Savini (the man behind the effects in the original “Friday the 13th” and “Dawn of the Dead”) appear in supporting roles.

Kate: Are you okay?
Seth: Peachy, Kate. The world’s my oyster, except for the fact that I just rammed a wooden
stake in my brother’s heart because he turned into a vampire, even though I don’t believe in
vampires. Aside from that unfortunate business, everything’s hunky-dory.

5. Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight (1995)

Ah yes, “Tales from the Crypt.” The HBO series that started in 1989 was always a favorite of mine. With this film, the premium cable series made its first and best transition to the big screen. The plot is fairly simple: A man carrying something very important holes up in a roadside motel while being chased by the forces of Hell itself. From there it becomes a simple survival tale. Who lives, who dies, who cares? Much like the television series, this film doesn’t take itself too seriously. And much like “From Dusk Till Dawn,” eventually this film becomes about the demon body count. With tongue firmly planted in cheek, Billy Zane, William Sadler, and Thomas Haden Church takes us through what the Crypt Keeper affectionately calls a “deadtime story.” This movie also has a killer soundtrack for any metalheads out there featuring music from Pantera, Machine Head, Biohazard, Minstry, Melvins and Sepultura.

Crypt Keeper: Fasten your drool cups, and ready your vomit bags! We’re going to the movies!
Frights, camera, action!

4. Planet Terror (2007)

Two words: Machine-gun leg! Robert Rodriguez makes his second showing on my list. The first half of the under-appreciated double feature “Grindhouse,” “Planet Terror” is an almost perfect homage to 70s B-level horror. A bio-virus is released on a small town and zombie style hi-jinks begin as El Wrey (Freddy Rodriguez), a man with a secret past, tries to save the town and the woman he loves. Rodriguez is able to again strike a nice balance between the horror and comedy. Purposely bad dialogue and plot holes galore (including a missing reel) are a great nod to the large number of terrible low-budget horror films that are released every year. But this movie never falls into the tedium that comes with most of the films “Planet Terror” parodies. Josh Brolin, Michael Biehn, Bruce Willis, and the smoking-hot Rose McGowan combine to give us yet another example of how Rodriguez can do big budget terror with a sly smile and Halloween fun sensibilities.

El Wray: I need someone to drive my truck.
Sheriff Hague: I’ll do it.
El Wray: You’re bleeding like a stuck pig. Your vision is probably blurred, and you’re on
your last leg…
Sheriff Hague: [sarcastic] Anything else?
El Wray: Don’t wreck it.

3. Beetlejuice (1988)

He’s the ghost with the most. Another Tim Burton film comes in at number three. It’s hard to imagine there’s anyone out there who hasn’t seen this Michael Keaton classic. In a role that was originally intended for Sammy Davis Jr., Keaton put on one of the iconic performances of his career as Beetlejuice. A recently deceased couple who’s stuck living in their own house for the afterlife wants to get rid of the new living family that’s moved in. They enlist the services of Beetlejuice to exorcise the living from their home. A wacky movie with ghosts, laughs, and island music numbers. This film is one of a kind. You know you love it, so go watch it again this Halloween.

Adam: What are your qualifications?
Betelgeuse: Ah. Well… I attended Juilliard… I’m a graduate of the Harvard business
school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good
time during that. I’ve seen the EXORCIST ABOUT A HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVEN TIMES, AND IT
KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT… NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU’RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY… NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK? You think I’m qualified?

2. Army of Darkness (1992)

The third film in Sam Raimi’s “Evil Dead” series, “Army of Darkness” takes the camp of the first two to an entirely different level. Ash (Bruce Campbell again) has been sucked through a vortex and ends up in medieval times. He then must begin his quest to find the Necromonicon. Raimi’s trademark style and Campbell’s one-liners make this about a much fun as you can have battling an army of the dead. I don’t know what else to say about this one except if you haven’t seen it, I don’t think we can be friends anymore. There are simply too many great lines from this movie to pick just one, but I suppose I’ll have to try.

Ash: Alright you Primitive Screwheads, listen up! You see this? This… is my boomstick! The twelve-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart’s top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That’s right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about a hundred and nine, ninety five. It’s got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That’s right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. You got that?

1. Ghostbusters (1984)

If I have to tell you why this is number one then you haven’t seen “Zombieland” yet and that, my friends, is a true shame. Go see it and then re-live this Ivan Reitman-directed classic. It still makes me laugh out loud every time I watch it. Happy Halloween, everybody!

Dr. Peter Venkman: Alice, I’m going to ask you a couple of standard questions, okay? Have you or any of your family been diagnosed schizophrenic? Mentally incompetent?
Librarian Alice: My uncle thought he was Saint Jerome.
Dr. Peter Venkman: I’d call that a big yes.

Tags: 10, best, films, fun, funny, halloween, horror, lighthearted, movies, ten, top, Top 10 Fun Movies for Halloween, Top Ten Fun Movies for Halloween

A couple of years ago, I wrote a list of Top 10 Overlooked Scary Movies that got spread around the Web quite a bit. Best of all, the comment section became a great place for people to recommend other horror flicks that may not have received the attention they deserve. Today’s new list is kind of a companion piece to that one. If you are tired of renting the same stupid remakes and played-out franchises every Halloween, try some of these suggestions on for size. Some are scary (even though they may not be traditional horror movies) and some are campy, but each one of the films below has something special about it. You should seriously consider renting any of the following that you haven’t seen this Halloween.

If you have your own idea for a Top 10 list, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com.

10. Opera (1987)

This certainly isn’t the most solid movie of Italian giallo master Dario Argento’s career, but it contains two of his most visually impressive set pieces. Not known for concise (or even rational) plotting, some of Argento’s movies work better as rough frameworks that only exist to showcase a couple of inspired scenes of murder and mayhem. In this case, the central premise is based on something Argento used to joke about doing to audiences that wanted to turn away from the intense gore in his films: taping needles to their eyelids to force them to stay open. A killer stalks the movie’s heroine and does just that, forcing her to watch as he kills her friends. This movie really is all about the spectator and the eye itself. Set piece one: A flashy crane shot follows crows as they fly over the audience during an opera and descend upon a killer’s eyes. Number two: A slo-mo close-up of a bullet as its fired through a peephole in a door and–you guessed it–into someone’s eye! Yikes.

9. Sleepy Hollow (1999)

Loosely based on Washington Irving’s classic “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow,” this dark and funny Tim Burton movie finds the director and his favorite star (Johnny Depp, of course) having a ball upending conventions. Depp plays Ichabod Crane not as a standard hero but as an outsider–a nerdy, frightened man of science who can’t quite fathom the fact that the decapitations he’s come from New York City to investigate seem to be supernatural in nature. Christopher Walken portrays the Headless Horseman (when his head is visible), and the Oscar-winning art direction creates a spooky, mist-filled tangle of trees and forced perspectives. It may not be Depp’s funniest Burton role (that distinction belongs to “Ed Wood”), but the star’s quirky take on Crane make it loads of fun. In addition, “Sleepy Hollow” is a surprisingly violent and gorgeous movie to look at.

8. Near Dark (1987)

Unless you already knew going in, you’d likely never guess that the same woman who directed this year’s Iraq bomb-squad drama “The Hurt Locker” also helmed this twisted little vampire family story back in the late 80s. Kathryn Bigelow has always been interested in characters who crave danger (see “Point Break”), but Bill Paxton’s performance as psychopathic vampire Severen is so over-the-top cruel that he’s as funny as he is threatening. When a young cowboy in Oklahoma (Adrian Pasdar) gets turned into a vampire by a sexy young drifter (Jenny Wright), he is forced to “meet the parents,” so to speak, and enters the dangerous world of a group of vamps who live in a camper. The ending is kind of a cop-out, but Bigelow’s combination of the Western and the vampire movie has as many memorable landscape shots as it does moments of genuine tension and funny dialogue.

7. Magic (1978)

Speaking of people who you wouldn’t think would be working in the horror genre, this movie is full of prestige Hollywood personalities. Anthony Hopkins plays a creepy magician-turned-ventriloquist named Corky who spends almost as much time killing people as he does talking to his dummy Fats. Adapted by William Goldman (”Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid,” “All The President’s Men,” “The Princess Bride”) from his novel and directed by Richard Attenborough (”Gandhi”), “Magic” is a true oddity. It starts off as a low-key (but still off-kilter) psychological examination of a person with multiple personality disorder. As Corky’s madness progresses, however, so does his temper. The scenes between Hopkins and Ann-Margret (who is the object of Corky’s unhealthy obsession) are a weird mix of tenderness and nail-biting restlessness. Burgess Meredith is also on hand to play Corky’s slimy but effective manager.

6. Slither (2006)

Sexual frustration manifests itself in the form of slimy little slugs that come from outer space in this sly and campy horror film from director James Gunn. Like a mash-up of David Cronenberg (”Dead Ringers”) and the Troma studio (”The Toxic Avenger”), “Slither” combines the desires of the flesh and the absurdity of campy horror into an inspired concoction. Nathan Fillion is the small town sheriff who must make sense of it all while still pining for his high school sweetheart (Elizabeth Banks). She’s unfortunately married to Grant Grant (Michael Rooker), the richest man in town, whose sudden ravenous desires lead to the disappearances of local pets and some strange physical deformities. “Slither” successfully combines fast-moving CGI elements that true B-movies can’t afford with the more traditional lumbering (and often hilarious) creature effects that can make them so fun to laugh at. The whole thing is  put together with a smart and silly sense of humor.

5. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)

Director Philip Kaufman (”The Right Stuff”) directed this sci-fi/horror remake, which is unique because it’s one of the rare remakes that’s actually better than the original (Don Seigel’s 1956 film of the same name). Replacing Seigel’s Cold War metaphor with a satire of the “me” decade and all of its excesses, Kaufman peppers his movie with hippies, poets, and an evil pop psychiatrist played by Leonard Nimoy. As Donald Sutherland and Brooke Adams try to uncover the truth about an alien race that’s replacing humans with unfeeling duplicates, Kaufman lays on the paranoia as thick as the parody. The result is a movie that is by turns genuinely creepy and clever.

4. An American Werewolf in London (1981)

John Landis pulls off the same feat here. Besides the Oscar-winning werewolf transformation scene by legendary make-up artist Rick Baker, this movie has a lot of other shocking and sometimes very scary moments. But it also features some of the funniest bits in any horror movie ever, as a graphically decomposing Griffin Dunne continues to haunt his old pal David Naughton (who is turning into a werewolf now) and annoy the living crap out of him. Landis mixes up fantasy/nightmare sequences to catch the audience off guard, and the gory scenes are few and far between, but this also heightens their effect.

3. Videodrome (1983)

Universal is set to remake this unsettling David Cronenberg movie (Why oh why?) that features James Woods as a public-access TV channel owner who programs a mysterious show that mesmerizes viewers by showing scenes of torture and murder. He has higher aspirations than using the snuff film for cheap entertainment, however. Cronenberg was way ahead of the curve in predicting the huge volume of TV screens that would be available and the enormous influence they would have in the future. He may not have predicted that we’d be watching tiny screens on our cell phones, but his perverted take on media had video physically melding with people’s bodies, resulting in the cult movie’s catch phrase “Long live the new flesh!” A remake that updates the technology won’t have the time-specific cultural references and may just miss the point altogether. See the original soon.

2. Eyes Without a Face, or Les yeux sans visage (1960)

Even though this disturbing French flick is widely considered a classic now (it’s available on Criterion DVD after all), I talk to people all the time who have never seen it. Georges Franju went from documentaries to directing this controversial horror film about a doctor who kidnaps young women and surgically removes their faces in an attempt to graft them onto his daughter’s, after hers was mutilated in a car accident. The psychological complexity of the three lead characters is rare for a horror movie, as is the beautiful black-and-white cinematography and the matter-of-fact handling of the plot’s more sordid details. Besides retaining much of its original shock value almost 50 years later, “Eyes Without a Face” also burns its haunting images into your brain forever. The young daughter’s white, expressionless mask was the inspiration for John Carpenter to similarly hide Michael Myers’ face in the orginal “Halloween.”

1. Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (1986)

It may not be considered a strict horror movie, but it’s certainly the most terrifying film on this list. Especially when viewed in the same faux-documentary light as “Paranormal Activity,” “Henry” renders the act of murder in a far more banal and realistic manner. John McNaughton loosely based this harrowing no-budget film on real-life killer Henry Lee Lucas. Although it isn’t designed to make you think it’s a documentary, the dispassionate acting and lack of a budget make it sometimes feels like one. Michael Rooker portrays Henry as an aimless, soulless man whose existence is so dulled that he finds a purpose in life only after he begins to murder others and videotape it. The movie was considered so gruesome that it sat on a shelf for three years gathering dust before Oscar-winning documentarian Errol Morris dusted it off to sponsor a showing at the Telluride Film Festival. Since then, the unrated movie been the subject of much debate due to its startlingly violent palette and authentic style. Warning: Do not watch this one alone.

Tags: 10, best, dvd, films, halloween, horror, movies, rentals, scariest, scary, ten, top, Top 10 Horror Movies You Should Rent, Top Ten Horror Movies You Should Rent

Our pal Warren J. Cantrell over at 10rant.com is known for his over-the-top persona. This list will no doubt be as controversial as some of his other man-tastic past Top 10s. If you have an idea for your own Top 10, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Warren:

Like a regrettable relationship, sometimes the true nature of a film only pulls into focus after a healthy dose of time and perspective. What we once enjoyed and maybe even defended against less confused peers can sometimes emerge from the time-fog as a shamefully regrettable “phase” that etches an embarrassing low-water mark for all films (or romances) to follow. As it concerns movies, any number of factors can contribute to this miscalculation, be it awesome pre-release hype, back-seat-opinion influence, and/or genre stigma. The last of these is important, for it’s easy for both those making and watching a film to get lost in a popular trend or fad that invariably gets played out and cliché after the fifty or sixtieth re-tread. It is for this reason that a movie’s ability to “stand the test of time” is such an important factor in determining its worth: perfectly executed harmonies between performances, content, and cinematic craftsmanship rare in films even to this day. Some films pulled this feat off and continue to do so even after a few decades on the shelf, and can rightfully be termed “classics,” as they dealt with themes that are a central part of the motion picture industry and the larger human experience (Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?, 12 Angry Men, Psycho, and Paratroop Command come to mind). Other films got it wrong from the get-go, yet because of nostalgic vice-grips on memories or experiences associated with the pictures, people refuse to re-think the movies with a critical 21st century eye. Yes, while many claim that the films below are indispensable members of the holy Hollywood fraternity of screen gems, I’d ask that you take a harder look at what these “classics” were saying to their audience, examining the larger messages at play, and the complete picture from a distance.

10. The Sound of Music (1965)

This movie played around with some fairly interesting components, what with the lush Austrian scenery, horny nuns, and Nazi invaders. Having obviously decided that a plot that focused on the confluence of love and war couldn’t possibly carry the weight of two whole hours, the picture turned instead to song. Yes, to fill gaps that might otherwise have been plugged by Panzer divisions making ninety miles a day and a back-alley Fascist network that was paving the way for invasion with murder, the audience got a full soundtrack of delightful family sing-alongs. Good Christ: what was going on in ’65? I mean, I know Kennedy had his head opened up a couple years earlier, and the country was generally feeling “escapist,” but why deny the people some proper WWII action when the table had pretty much already been set? Was the movie based on a pre-existing musical? Yes. Did the film have fairly serious expectations to fill as it concerned its stage predecessor? Most definitely. Does this mean a flick can’t screw around a little to make a painfully underutilized plot more interesting and dynamic, giving the audience something other than shattered expectations when the Von Trapp’s didn’t kill that greasy little cunt Rolf? Hell no! Give this movie some action that ties in to the monumentally historical events unfolding around the main characters, ditch the songs, and stick with what works: killing Nazis to escape to freedom. Speaking of freedom, we may as well mention the elephant in the room, for after this list’s posting and the beating this next movie’s about to get at my hands, Spielberg, Lucas, Coppola and the rest of the Hollywood elite will make sure I am cast into the abyss, all liberties lost to he who dares criticize…

9. Citizen Kane (1941)

Indeed, there’s a lot to like in this film, yet in a way that puts it into an entirely different category than “The Sound of Music.” Truly, the innovate narrative structure, camerawork, and audio mixing put it into that rare class of film that defines the modern cinematic experience. To call this film a classic, however, is like claiming the Army Field Manual is an indispensable pillar of American literature. Let’s just be honest: while an admittedly important movie, its story is about as interesting as a barnacle convention. Though the movie dealt with a newspaper tycoon with money to burn and the world at his feet, the plot minced through tedious reviews, and re-reviews of the rich asshole’s love life. His love life! The film could have delved into any number of strikes he brutally repressed, or more details surrounding the wars he felt like starting with his newspaper. But no! Instead, the picture took a hard left directly off the shit-cliff into a shit-gulley, setting up very pretty shots with good cuts for a film that didn’t have the story to keep a person even remotely interested. It didn’t help that the film’s characters and the situations they were involved in register on the believability scale right on par with the expected fare in a daytime soap opera. Cartoonish in their presentation, Kane, his wives, and even the butler, acted with such ham-fisted amateur-hour proficiency that a person blushes, almost feeling sorry for the film before remembering how much blind devotion it elicits. The ultimate standard for modern filmmaking techniques and the Nouvelle Vague? Perhaps. Entertaining fare with an engaging plot and realistic performances? Not on your life.

8. Singing In the Rain (1952)

Speaking of foaming-at-the-mouth devotion for no conceivable reason, this sorry excuse for a movie has to get some ink, for nothing occurs throughout this picture that a half-hour sitcom episode couldn’t tidily wrap up. Personally, I couldn’t give a damn about the struggles of a successful movie star in the 1950s, and his headaches concerning famous girlfriends and studio hassles that revolved around the next big “talkie” release. Apparently back in the 50s people stared at clothes drying and watched the leaves change colors for entertainment, hence this exciting brand of storytelling got a bit of attention. After the advent of the flamethrower, however, you’d think this kind of shit would get shelved for more interesting fare, but alas, they still made this crap. And why? So that people could learn how to deceive a popular audience via lip-synching techniques and film slight-of-hand beneath the larger guise of a breezy romantic comedy? By all means, make a love story or a movie about the mid-20th century film industry, but if it’s going to stand up as “classic” 50 years later, don’t you think some endearing truth other than “love perseveres” should stand out? This movie was helpful in the grand scheme of things, however, which is why it’s not near the top slots. Indeed, this movie is proof that in order to make a buck with a film, all a person REALLY needs to do is choreograph a fancy dancing scene and slap together a non-threatening love triangle, and the money, adulation, and “classic” status will obediently fall into line.

7. The Wizard of Oz (1939)

First off, why did we even go to Oz? Why didn’t Dorothy shack up with some lousy, good-for-nothing petty thief and borderline-masochist, going Bonnie and Clyde on the Midwest with her new beau to reclaim dog and honor? Seriously? Who gets a court order to take away a 12-year old’s dog after beating it with a rake? Setting up a great revenge thread that was woefully under-utilized, the film transitioned from there into an alternate universe where the streets were paved with gold and the only impediment to Dorothy’s total domination of the new realm was midgets and witches that immediately melted when introduced to liquids. Naïve country bumpkin that she was, Dorothy spent the rest of the movie opining about her Midwestern farm life, battling flying monkeys (which still terrify me to this day, unholy beasts that they are) and forming uneasy alliances with mutant lion, tin, and straw creatures. And for what? To get back to Kansas, where communities stood gutted by the Great Depression and dogs were taken spitefully from sweet-natured little girls? With a bucket of water and the support of the local Munchkin unions, Dorothy could have solidified a power base that would have lasted in perpetuity. Ultimately, the film was telling its audience that despite all indicators suggesting otherwise, a person should reinvest and commit to a political and economic system that was well into its eighth year of ruin. Though the movie was based on a novel with equally powerful subtext, at least the author of the book made no qualms about his metaphors and insinuations, presenting fairly obvious symbolic and thematic elements to his tale. Almost all of the book’s themes were discarded for the film, a picture that spoke volumes about the movie’s support of United States isolationist policies despite Nazi aggression in Poland, and a devastating war in China. Dorothy was the film’s presentation of U.S. policy at the time, one which refused direct intervention and global dominance, that is until the witch came across the pond, and started dropping bombs on Kansas (would have been perfect for the sequel). But by that point, everybody was willing to accept that the tale was little more than a feel-good musical about a girl, her dog, and a land called Oz that could have been Dorothy’s had she been provoked enough to take it.

6. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)

For a cartoon, this movie came with some pretty awesome assets: conspiracy, contract murder, deceit, poison, and even witchcraft. This brings us to our first problem, however. Mainly, this flick didn’t know what it wanted from itself. When you set up your story by introducing a woman looking to have the heart of an innocent young girl cut out and brought to her in a box, the first thing that comes to mind probably isn’t that you’d figure this as a sure-fire bet to capture the G-rated 5-12 year old demographic. Second, the movie gave us a comely young lass wandering into the bedroom of seven men living isolated in the middle of nowhere, providing nothing in the way of realistic resolution. And when I say “realistic resolution,” I mean “gang bang.” Come on, you really think seven dudes working like galley-slaves in the armpit of a diamond mine wouldn’t immediately turn out some tasty piece of ass that broke into their cottage and fell asleep on their beds? What are we even talking about, here? Third, where’s the revenge? Seriously! Some half-mad bitch of a stepmother puts a contract out on you and later tries to finish the job herself via poison, and a renegade bolt of lightning ultimately kills her? I take no issue with the fact that the movie is a cartoon, or even that it’s rife with extraneous musical numbers: but to set up a good character thread and abandon it so that dashing princes can arrive and NOT stab the crap out of something! Unforgiveable.

5. Breakfast at Tiffany’s (1961)

When I saw this movie, I kept waiting for the male lead to come to his senses, ditch the loopy bitch upstairs, get a cigar, and start working on making a plan come together. That Hannibal of all people had to suffer the indignity of a man checking his balls at the start of the first act makes this entire picture inexcusable. A fiendishly hot Audrey Hepburn though she may have been, she was a whore! Peppard’s character, on the other hand, was a writer with an endless train of gravy practically coming out of the tap via a rich, it-could-be-worse-looking socialite that wanted nothing more than to keep a man-slut on the side, even if that meant sharing him with other, younger, women. This guy had a gig where a woman was paying his bills and keeping him in style, allowing him to concentrate entirely on his writing while his sugar momma wasn’t even asking the guy to be exclusive. Crapping this divinely ordained arrangement down his leg so that he could chase a good-for-nothing cocktease harboring more issues than the Washington Post, the film’s lead ultimately got his prize in the end (a happy twist left out of the novel). But is that supposed to be a good thing? Wracked with guilt and anguish over her dead brother, mangled childhood, lost riches, and whore life, what kind of victory are we to assume for Hannibal and his new woman? He gave up his chance at getting some good ink time in without worry of bills or the taxman as a result of his “kept-man” status. Having thrown that away, and almost certainly in need of a real job to sustain his and the new girlfriend’s plush New York City lifestyle, what drab, sour existence can the audience expect from two people looking to accomplish little more than to keep from whoring themselves back out to high society to get by? Had the lead simply stuck it out a bit longer with the rich old broad to give him time to write and get established instead of chasing crazy high-end call girls, he might have ended up as more than the fractured shell of a man he almost certainly became.

4. Gone With the Wind (1939)

What a pain in the ass this movie is! There wasn’t a pragmatic, straight-thinking character in the whole friggin’ mess of a story: Even borderline-tough Rhett absolutely out of his mind as it concerned Scarlett. This didn’t put Clark Gable’s character into exclusive territory, however, as Ms. O’Hara was hopelessly in love with Ashley (a dude) who was already hooked up with Scarlett’s good friend Melanie. Throughout the course of the American Civil War and the subsequent reconstruction (both historical periods teeming with interesting plot possibilities) the movie looked only at the relationships of confused, hopelessly deranged maniacs, giving the audience plot twists that resembled a mediocre “Real World” episode. The whole thing played out like the narrative in a grocery store romance novel, Scarlett pining over some stupid asshole with a chick’s name while whoring herself out to whatever rich dickhead felt compelled to give the increasingly fat socialite a dick-tickle. By the time anybody came to their senses, the Civil War was over, children and parents had died, and three unrecoverable hours were gone. Though I do give some credit to Rhett for telling Scarlett to screw off at the end, it came too little too late. Had Gable’s character done this at the beginning of the film, it might instead have given the audience time to get to know the slick Reb. blockade runner and all-around bad-ass. Instead, we were forced to endure what felt like months of some incomprehensible love octagon with no real resolution except that everybody got screwed at the end. While I support so challenging a conclusion, this movie took pretty much the longest, most painful route to get to that conclusion, something the next film can certainly relate to …

3. The Searchers (1956)

There are few “classics” out there that get as much positive attention while still embracing so striking a racist pose as this legendary western. While there were certainly moments of cinematic splendor in the movie that challenged audiences in a way that forced them to re-conceptualize their filmgoing experience (Director John Ford knew how to shoot and cut a good-looking picture.), the story was horrific on multiple levels. In a reversal of the actual scenario of menace to the western plains in the mid-19th century, it’s Native Americans and not whites that were terrorizing innocents in this picture, with John Wayne’s Ethan avenging ethnic-cleansing on behalf of his people. Despite the well-documented reality of the genocide perpetrated against these people, widely known even at the time of this picture’s release, the movie embraced the idea of the Comanche’s faceless savagery as seen most clearly through their Chief Scar. This antagonist’s very name represented his people’s depiction in the film, standing in as an ugly blemish upon the divinely sanctioned American expansion west. Disregarding the safety of the very woman he was charged to rescue on several occasions to exact his revenge on Scar and his people, the Duke did what came most natural to the man: killing Injuns in the name of racial purity. Going so far as to turn his pistol on “Debbie” after learning that she’d acclimated to Comanche society, it’s only after Ethan actually scalped another human being that he realized that maybe, possibly, he might have some issues. Never apologizing for his five-plus year struggle to prevent or otherwise avenge the crime of miscegenation, Wayne’s character leaves the frame in the final shot a triumphant hero, having returned a white woman to her “people.” Say what you will about “Birth of a Nation,” at least people universally recognize that that movie was putrid in message if not in form, something that cannot so easily be said about this or the following entry …

2. Casablanca (1942)

What a pussy! That bitch leaves Rick in Paris without a word of explanation, without an apology or even a see-you-later fuck, and he takes her back? I don’t care that her husband had escaped from a Nazi concentration camp: for all I care it could have been a goddamn whale! Once a woman runs out on a man, favors immediately die. Ladies, break a guy’s heart if you want, but never do either of the following things afterwards: leave them a pen as a parting gift, and/or come back later asking favors. Ingrid Bergman’s Ilsa batted her eyes at Rick for all of a minute and in no time the guy was arranging covert transport, lying to military police, and even shooting people to cover his ex-girlfriend’s tracks. And for what? This film did immeasurable damage to men for decades to follow, the reverberations of the catastrophe felt to this day. This movie informed a generation of women that they could freely abuse, use, leave, and re-use men without worry of retribution or refusal. Because of this film, women are still of the understanding that it’s okay to toy with a man’s emotions and grind his heart into inhalable powder, that even after shattering his life and re-emerging with a new guy, that the ex will still be there because that’s what “classic” men do. Well thanks a lot, Bogey! Because of your baffling lack of backbone and the immediate collapse of your resolve, men will forever suffer at the hands of cruel, lazy, inconsiderate women who think nothing of leaving a guy, parading the new product in front of his face, and begging favors from emotionally-crippled souls. Who else needs a drink?

1. It’s a Wonderful Life (1946)

When it comes to unredeemable crocks of shit, it doesn’t get much more deceptive than Frank Capra’s most egregious assault against America, the flag, and apple pie. In his 2008 write-up, Wendell Jamieson said that “‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ is a terrifying, asphyxiating story about growing up and relinquishing your dreams,” making an excellent point about a movie that is practically on repeat every Christmas. Yes, on the holiday when people are feeling their most vulnerable to influence and sentimentality, this movie comes around like clockwork, pushing people toward a miserable existence that will not ultimately be saved by angels, faith, and the kindness of one’s community. No, in real life, the REAL world outside of Hollywood and Never-Never Land, there is no angel to stop you from taking a header off the bridge, no Dickens-esque retreat into an unseen present. For actual human beings living in the non-fiction realm, the sacrifice of ambition and one’s life’s pursuits, the seemingly endless series of compromises that extinguish the noblest aspirations of the soul: they destroy us lock, stock, and barrel. George’s dilemma before his encounter with Clarence was legitimate for a man who never realistically took stock of his life or what he truly wanted for himself. That he ended up turning on his children and spouse, emerging thereafter from a bar en route to a suicide bridge should come as no surprise to anybody who has traded the dreams of tomorrow for today’s familiar and convenient gratification. George realized on that bridge that his life had been for shit, and despite doing the technically “right” thing by staying behind and printing a sign on his back that read “doormat,” he had nothing to show for his existence than pending collections litigation, divorce, and homelessness. That this film is shown on television regularly, and on a recognized holiday that guarantees its capacity to influence children is astonishing and, unbelievably, not upsetting to nearly enough of you out there. For shame.

Tags: awful, bad, classic, classic movies that suck, classics, films, Good, movies, no, overpraised, overrated, suck, terrible, wrong

I know what you’re thinking: “Great. Here’s another list of terrible comedies for idiot potheads to watch as they stuff their faces with commercial snack products and contribute nothing to the world.” That’s exactly what you’re thinking. I know it is. And you’re wrong. I’ve smoked a decent amount of pot in my life, and I tend to view it as something more meaningful than most of the casual and even committed smokers I know. I think if the only thing you get out of it is the giggles and the munchies, you’re really missing out. Smoke a bowl and take a hike in the woods. Cook. Draw something. Or just watch one of these movies.

If you have an idea for your own Top 10, email Eric at eric@scene-stealers.com.

10. Adventureland (2009)

For me, one of the biggest pleasures I experience when watching a movie is any moment of recognition. It’s one of those weird stipulations of effective writing, wherein the more specific you make something, the more universal it becomes (it’s also what makes so much of the comedy in the Judd Apatow-related films work so well). That being said, Greg Mottola’s “Adventureland” is my favorite film of the year so far, and it landed a spot on this list for one reason: it has, to my knowledge, the best representation of realizing you’re high ever put on film. That’s right. Forget “Harold and Kumar” and “Cheech and Chong.” About halfway in, there’s a scene in which the main character, James Brennan (Jesse Eisenberg), is sharing a joint after hours with the resident bimbo at their place of employment. I won’t spoil it with some turgid explanation, but anyone that has ever smoked pot will recognize that scene as pitch perfect.

9. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971)

Now, just because I think there’s more to get out of smoking pot than laughter and an increased appetite does not mean I view either as unworthy, unpleasant consequences. Here is a film that plays to one of those effects quite intensely while simultaneously bombarding the viewer with an ass-load of psychedelic imagery and eccentricity guaranteed to enhance any stoned experience. There’s only one other children’s film on this list that is more trippy than this one and I think that fact speaks to the true nature of a marijuana high (apart from the aforementioned “giggles and munchies”). I don’t know if this goes for everyone, but after I smoke, I tend to behold all things with a child-like sense of wonder and watching this film as a stoned adult really brings you back to that innocent perceptual capacity you once had as a child. It’s a nice way to renew your imagination. Also, that edible room looks damn tasty.

8. Punch-Drunk Love (2002)

Paul Thomas Anderson is one of my favorite filmmakers. So is Stanley Kubrick. “Punch-Drunk Love,” PTA’s Adam Sandler vehicle from ‘02, is a really eccentric, subverted rom-com with the aesthetic–albeit a slightly warmer tone–of a Kubrick film. Also, it’s the first time Adam Sandler did anything worth discussing and it just so happened to be fucking fantastic. Now, we saw more of that brilliance in “Funny People” (another great Apatow film), but I fear we might not see it again for another half a decade. In any case, why is this film a distinguished viewing necessity for any stoner? No one smokes in the film. No one even mentions it. In fact, smoking a joint is probably the furthest thing from a possibility for the main character. However, the film is gorgeous to look at, ambitious, strange, and the soundtrack is just right (“He Needs Me,” anyone?). I keep referring to the heightened emotional acuity you acquire after smoking, and smoking before you watch this film is laying down the foundation for an exceptional experience.

7. The Lion King (1994)

Children’s films and television shows are often said to function as entertainment for both their target audience and stoned adults. Sometimes, this dual purpose almost seems intended (“Puff the Magic Dragon,” “H.R. Pufnstuf”), but I find that kind of transparent pandering to be a little annoying and I avoid it. “The Lion King,” on the other hand, makes no clear attempt to entertain that specific demographic and for that reason–you guessed it–it winds up doing exactly that! The opening sequence alone is sufficient evidence for its placement on this list, and that’s not just because it has bright colors and loud music. I mean, it certainly does have beautiful imagery and a huge musical number, but they serve to provide an impeccable visual and emotional context for the film: a film that made me cry when I saw it in theaters as a little boy. Hopefully, a recurring theme on this Top 10 will be the heightened emotional acuity one undertakes when high (a phenomenon known as pseudo-profundity). Every meager emotional brush stroke has the potential to floor you and any philosophical inkling has the potential to make sense of it all. “Circle of Life”? You bet your ass.

6. The Last Temptation of Christ (1987)

This may seem like an odd choice to some, but I’ll rest my case on a few key elements that make this film perfect viewing for someone under the influence of tetrahydrocannabinol. First of all, the film is moving and beautiful to begin with, so seeing it high elevates these dimensions to a staggering level. I’m as secular as they come, but this is an artful, mature portrayal of Christ (as I’m sure you’ve been made aware in the 20+ years since its release) and it really hits home. There’s the soundtrack by Peter Gabriel that is at once both chaotic and heartbreaking. The way the Palm Sunday sequence is scored is so goddamn glorious I can hardly stand it after I’ve cleared a bowl. With this movie, Scorsese achieved something I’m certain he never envisioned: a religious experience for pot-smoking atheists. Thanks, Marty.

5. The Wizard of Oz (1939)

This and “Willy Wonka” really are cut from the same cloth. It’s almost cheating putting them on the same list, but I couldn’t bring myself to choose one and wind up shortchanging the other. What do I even need to tell you about this movie to make my case? Everyone in the world has seen it and almost everyone in the world has smoked weed. The film has its drug references, but that has nothing to do with its appropriateness in this particular category (’cause we all know heroin and marijuana are on opposite ends of the spectrum). I’m not going to say this is good high viewing because of the color palette or the music, although those things don’t hurt. No. It’s great high viewing because there’s a complete, wonderful world created onscreen and it’s an ideal place to be. Smoke a bowl and tell me you’re not there. “There’s no place like home.” And there’s no place like Oz on some cush.

4. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

Much in the same vein as “Punch-Drunk Love,” Michel Gondry’s “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” is a remarkably moving, visually exciting, inventive masterpiece starring a comedic actor in his best performance ever. So, again, why is a film such as this a valid entry on this list? And why did that rhyme? I’ll answer the former. It’s not because the film is jam-packed with personified imagination in the form of crazy, true-to-their-meaning special effects. It’s because, like so many other films I’ve mentioned, there’s beauty in it. That’s the reason I chose this instead of Gondry’s other visual masterpiece, “The Science of Sleep.” That’s a great film, too, but it’s nowhere near this one in terms of lasting emotional impact. And impact is what it’s all about, here. Why limit oneself to shitty, low-brow comedies and potato chips? Why not watch something really terrific and spend some goddamn time in the kitchen?

3. Immortal Beloved (1994)

I smoked a lot of pot when I was younger. Then, inexplicably, I stopped. Out of nowhere (and due to some pretty shaky reasoning), I called it quits and didn’t so much as take a hit for about two and a half years. But things happen. People mature. So, when I started smoking again about a year and a half ago, I had a lot to catch up on. And there were two things I wanted to experience under the influence more than anything (things like sex and mountain climbing are best delegated to sober me). Number 1: “Plainsong” by The Cure. And number 2: “Immortal Beloved.” Ignoring the film’s richness and imaginative excess, I had honed in on one scene which cultivated in me an agonizing eagerness: near the end of his life, during a concert, Ludwig Van Beethoven (Gary Oldman) imagines (or remembers with a bit of embellishment?) himself as a young boy escaping his father’s wrath and running to a pool in the middle of the forest near his home. He takes off his shirt and shoes and lies down in the water. As “Ode to Joy” plays on the soundtrack, the camera pulls back and reveals the boy in a sea of stars. It’s goddamn breathtaking. And seeing it high for the first time, I thought my head was going to explode.

2. Ponyo (2009)

“Jellyfish float freely as schools of brightly colored fish swim by. Their movements are balletic. Pockets of color burst intermittently and there are innumerable fantastic creatures gliding above and scurrying atop the seabed. There’s a tall man with long, flowing red hair standing inside a giant bubble at the edge of some kind of aquatic vehicle. He’s squirting droplets of golden liquid onto the ground which explode into rainbows.” Read the full article here.

1. 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)

Throwing caution to the wind, I will now make a definitive statement: Stanley Kubrick’s “2001: A Space Odyssey” is the best movie one could possibly watch while high. Period. The idea for this very list came to me while watching it. And I knew then, too, that it would be number one. I knew that even before it got to the kaleidoscopic-dimension-shifting segment. Watching “The Dawn of Man,” I was convinced. One of the many strengths of this movie is its willingness to leave so much open. Not open to interpretation, mind you, but to projection. There isn’t a scene throughout with anything mapped out for the viewer. It’s all lovingly crafted, thought-provoking, visually superb empty space. And what better than a drug-addled mind to fill in all those gaps? With the circumstances delineated in this Top 10, you sit there and think, “Why do other activities exist? Why can’t getting high and watching this exact movie be the goal of every human life?” Perhaps I’m exaggerating, but you give this one a shot and tell me you’re not enraptured. I don’t even think you have to smoke pot regularly to see why this is the obvious, rightful choice. Evidence? Moments before I was about to watch it high for the first time, I caught Eric online and sent him an instant message. I explained the situation to him and, while I’m having trouble recalling his exact words, his sentiment was clear: “Godspeed.”

Tags: best, films, funniest, High, list, movies, pot, stoned, stoner, ten, top, Top 10 Lists, Watch, weed, when, While, you're

Today’s Top 10 comes from Cameron Hawk, who previously submitted the excellent list Top 10 Uses of Pop Songs in Movies. If you have a list you’d like to contribute, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Cameron:

Dating—what a weird, mammalian concept. A lot of movies deal with the peaks and pitfalls of the practice because it is something everyone can instantly relate with. Usually, the high and low points are so  heartwarming or so awkward that they stay with us our whole lives. This list compiles what I believe to be scenes that present the dating ritual unapologetically, in all its naturally imperfect glory.

10. The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005)

Steve Carell’s portrayal of the unexplainably celibate Andy is still my favorite performance of his. Andy’s personality is layered, complex, and at times strange, but never is it not apparent to us that he is a good soul. It might be harder for other characters to see, as they don’t have the direct access to his head that we do. This is what makes the film such a great study in humanity, and why people do the things they do or act the way they act. So obviously, in a film like this, the date scenes are going to be stellar. There are several memorable ones. However, the scene in which Andy finds out the hard way that he has never learned how to put on a condom has got to be the best of the bunch. After an amazing date with Trish (Catherine Keener), the two are feeling very comfortable with each other, and eventually the moment arrives. Right away, we can see in Andy’s eyes that this is the closest he has ever been to “the real thing”. He wants it to happen—it’s the right person, the right time, and she has plenty of protection. Unfortunately, Andy’s inability to properly apply a rubber soon leads to a large pile of unusable ones by the door, which are mistaken for already-used ones by Trish’s daughter Marla (Kat Dennings) when she and her boyfriend burst into the room. Right away, Marla assumes Andy is a sex fiend and that they have been having sex repeatedly throughout the evening. She couldn’t be more wrong, and these innocent misunderstandings make up the heart of the film, if not the heart of humanity itself.

Marla’s Boyfriend: Dude—teach me.

9. Elizabethtown (2005)

The many outspoken detractors of “Elizabethtown” will first wonder why this movie is getting any kind of recognition on any kind of list anywhere—you all can just sit off to the side for now, or maybe head over to the TV room and pop in “Elizabethtown” again. When you watch it this time, try not to expect another “Almost Famous.” For that matter, try not to expect anything. For those of you who liked the film, or at least those of you who can muster a conversation about it without bursting out into random fits of cursing and self-mutilation, I am here to argue something—the scene with Kirsten Dunst and Orlando Bloom on the phone is one of the best first date scenes in film. Woah, back up—first date? How was that a first date, one may ask? They just talk on the phone for a long time, after all. Right? WRONG! These are the phone calls during which you really get to know a person. The fact that you are not there with them and cannot physically see them causes your other senses (and your imagination) to stand at attention. How does their voice sound? What does it sound like they are doing? It ends up being a window into these little details that we would normally take for granted. Drew (Bloom) and Claire (Dunst) talk for hours, and hours, with no signs of stopping, or wanting to stop. They even fall asleep while on the phone with each other. They are talking to each other the entire time they are driving to meet up, and even up until they are two feet apart. Now come on—we’ve all had phone calls like this. OK, so we don’t all drive and meet up with each other and get to see a southern sunrise, but remember, these are movies we are talking about here. Even still, after all the great conversation and the beautiful surroundings, Drew and Claire just part ways. When would have been the better time to seal the deal, if you don’t mind me asking?

Claire: Do you ever just think I’m fooling everybody?
Drew: You have no idea.

8. Little Children (2006)

This one is pretty disturbing, but I can’t go without mentioning it. Jackie Earle Haley plays Ronnie McGorvey, a convicted child molester who has recently been released from prison. Living with his mother, he is encouraged by her to meet people and go on dates. Instead, he spends most of his time scaring people out of the public pool, slithering around underwater with his goggles/snorkel combo. But Mon’s persuasions increase, and eventually Ronnie ends up going on a date with Sheila (Jane Adams). As the two begin to talk over dinner, some common ground is reached, and Sheila seems to think he is “nicer” than most of the guys she dates. Ronnie, too, seems to lighten up a little, even attempting to inject some humor into the conversation. Things continue to seem smoother and smoother on the drive home, and when Ronnie asks Sheila to pull the car over, one almost wants to entertain a notion that he is going to grab and kiss her, and the two will live happily ever after. But, Ronnie’s motives are more complicated than that—let’s just say he is less excited about her than he is about the kid’s playground off to his left. Man, there’s an awkward drive home.

Mom: There are four columns of lonely women in here, and only one of lonely men. The odds are on our side. Now why wouldn’t any of these women want to meet a nice person like you?
Ronnie McGorvey: I’m not a nice person.

7. The Cable Guy (1996)

For a movie that represents the early film careers of the likes of Ben Stiller, Jack Black, Owen Wilson, David Cross, Bob Odenkirk, and a score of others, “The Cable Guy” is pretty underappreciated. It may be kind of an obvious satire, but it still works—Chip (Jim Carrey), raised in front of the television, has spent his life assuming several different identities and posing as a Cable Guy, offering free cable to win friends. When he meets Steven (Matthew Broderick), something snaps, and Chip is convinced the two should be buddies. This leads to one of the great date scenes in the movie, which is actually a man-date—when Chip takes Steven to Medieval Times. Topped off with early bit parts from Janeane Garofalo as a “serving wench” (“There was no silverware in Medieval Times, hence there is no silverware at Medieval Times; would you like a refill on that Pepsi?”) and Andy Dick as the head knight (“Dude, get on the friggin’ horse!”), the scene builds to a hilarious duel between the two characters, in which Steven unwittingly pulls most of his energies from his frustrations with Chip. It’s a great performance from Broderick, who is running in fear of his life one moment, and attacking Chip with brute force in the next. Of course, the two end up kind of bonding, even though Chip still makes Steven uncomfortable. Chip’s attempts to win Steven’s trust eventually lead him to a restaurant where Steven’s ex-girlfriend Robin (Leslie Mann) is on a date with a hilariously jock-y Owen Wilson. When Wilson excuses himself to use the bathroom, Chip is waiting for him, disguised as a bathroom attendant. Chip then proceeds to physically assault Wilson in what has to be the most brutally funny bathroom beating ever. I still laugh hysterically every time Chip forces Wilson’s mouth around the hand dryer spout and says “You know, you really remind me of Dizzy Gillespie!”

Robin’s Date (Owen Wilson): [signaling the waiter] Excuse me, excuse me, pardon me, pardon me, pardon me, hey what’s the story with our chicken, man? Have the eggs had a chance to hatch yet? Maybe you can go check on it for me, my friend, if it’s not too much trouble for you. [the waiter walks away] Okay, I’m sorry to put you out. [Turns to Robin] See the attitude?

6. Freddy Got Fingered (2001)

Whether or not you like Tom Green or are moved by his humor, there’s a good chance you know about bits like “The Backwards Man” and “Daddy Would You Like Some Sausage?” But there is so much more to “Freddy Got Fingered.” Perhaps one of the most squeamish scenes in history, this date scene from Tom Green’s faux-art film is all at once brutal, hilarious, and completely original. As one of the two scenes that inspired this list, it really pushes the limits of not only where a movie can go, but where a date can go. Self-appointed loser Gordy (Green), in a previous scene, is found trying on one of his dad’s suits by his father, Jim (a hilarious Rip Torn). Gordy tells Jim he has received “a job at a computer company”, and that he also needs to borrow $50 so he can buy the necessary supplies—like, you know, “some pens, and that little thing that helps you draw a perfect circle.” Ecstatic, Jim tells Gordy to “take $100”, and later on takes his wife Julie (Julie Hagerty) out for dinner to celebrate. It isn’t long before Jim notices Gordy and his wheelchair-bound girlfriend Betty (the beautiful Marisa Coughlan) sitting at a nearby table, while Gordy is making a ruckus on a cordless phone he took from his father’s kitchen (“You’re fucking fired, Bob!”). The hilarity that ensues is beyond explanation, the kind that only Green could create for us. Later on, he canes her legs at her request. Green uses his movie to laugh at his audience (which explains why people hated it so much), and that’s pretty funny in itself. In the end, you’ll either love it to death, or want to kill yourself for watching it.

Jim: Wait a minute… You’re crippled.
Gord: Dad…
Betty: What?
Gord: Dad…
Betty: You got a problem with my legs?
Jim: No, you got a problem with your legs. It’s either that, or you’re just lazy.

5. Clerks (1994)

I had to cheat with this one a little bit, because the date itself never actually happens. But, I believe enough of it happened to put it on this list. Convenience store clerk Dante (Brian O’Halloran) finally meets up with ex-girlfriend Caitlin (Lisa Spoonhauer) after whining about her all day long, and she’s actually excited to see him. They talk about old times, and half-jokingly, Dante asks her out on one of his “famous dinner-and-a-movie dates”. Caitlin says yes, and the two get excited, like they seem to be getting those new-relationship-jitters for each other all over again. They agree to go home, get dolled up, and meet back at the convenience store. Caitlin returns before Dante, and decides to use the Quick Stop’s bathroom while she waits … seriously, has anyone not seen “Clerks”? SPOILER ALERT: She ends up screwing a dead guy that had died while masturbating in the bathroom earlier in the day (Dante gave him the porno mag!). By the time Dante returns, it’s too late—Caitlin is so traumatized she can’t even speak. But, wouldn’t it be more traumatizing to be cock-blocked by a dead guy? Poor Dante—he never did catch a break.

Dante: Call the police!
Caitlin: No, don’t!
Randal: Why?
Dante: Because there’s a stranger in our bathroom and he just raped Caitlin!
Randal: She said she did all the work.

4. Punch-Drunk Love (2002)

The other film that that inspired this list, “Punch-Drunk Love” is the under-appreciated gem of the PTA catalog. Not like he is cast against type here, but Adam Sandler’s performance presents a remarkable restraint that shows us he can actually act. This makes his character, the extremely passive-aggressive (and that’s putting it lightly) Barry Egan, completely unlike his various other one-note comedy vehicles, which no doubt confused the large portion of the film’s audience who were expecting to see gay and fart jokes. Paul Thomas Anderson wrote the part especially for Sandler, and at no moment is it easier to see why than the infamous bathroom scene. Struggling to become his own man in the presence of his nine overbearing (and that’s putting it lightly) older sisters, Barry spends most of his time running his business of bathroom appliances and uncovering errors in sweepstakes programs for potential financial gain. Years of being mercilessly berated by his sisters has led to much repressed anger, causing him to feel the need to lie about everything. One of his sisters fixes him up with Lena (Emily Watson), who is super cute, and Barry takes her to a nice restaurant one evening. For awhile, things go splendidly—there is eye contact, and Barry actually makes a joke! But the inevitable mention of Barry’s erratic behavior (in this case involving the throwing of a hammer through a boat) and his sisters’ childhood exploits of him prove too much for him to take, and he excuses himself to the bathroom. Upon entering, he proceeds to beat the living piss out of it—the trash can, both stall doors, and the soap dispenser (oddly, the object he has the most trouble destroying) all get taken down. It’s the oddest, funniest moment in a wonderful little movie full of odd and funny moments, but it only gets better once the Restaurant Manager realizes it is Barry who has smashed up the bathroom:

Restaurant Manager: Sir, the bathroom was just torn apart.
Barry Egan: Um, yeah.
Restaurant Manager: Did you do it?
Barry Egan: No.
Restaurant Manager: You didn’t just smash up the bathroom?
Barry Egan: No.
Restaurant Manager: Well, who did?
Barry Egan: I dunno.
Restaurant Manager: Sir, your hand is bleeding.
Barry Egan: I cut myself.
Restaurant Manager: How?
Barry Egan: On my knife. (Silence.) What?
Restaurant Manager: Sir, your hand is bleeding.
Barry Egan: I know.
Restaurant Manager: I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
Barry Egan: Yeah, but I didn’t do anything.
Restaurant Manager: Sir, I’ve got no way to prove that you smashed up the bathroom—
Barry Egan: I didn’t do that. I didn’t.
Restaurant Manager: Look, I’m gonna have to ask you to go.
Barry Egan: OK. I didn’t—
Restaurant Manager: I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.
Barry Egan: Alright, please don’t do this to me.
Restaurant Manager: Sir, I’m gonna call the police.
Barry Egan: Alright. Can I just stay?
Restaurant Manager: Sir, I’m gonna crack your fuckin’ head open. Get outta here.

3. Say Anything (1989)

Cameron Crowe again! I’m telling you, the man knows relationships. I don’t just mean romantic ones, either; in fact, he is one of the best writers out there when it comes to pinpointing those subtle differences between friends, family, and lovers. Of course, we all know “Say Anything” is romantically oriented, but family relationships are a huge part of the film as well. Case in point—the scene where Lloyd (John Cusack) visits the home of his interest Diane (Ionne Skye) and her father James (John Mahoney) to have dinner with them and some of James’ friends and business associates. Some would argue that this is not technically a date, but I beg to differ—meeting parents is a huge part of the courting process, not to mention the fact that trying to impress them can be almost or just as complicated as trying to impress a love interest. It doesn’t seem to be a matter for Lloyd in this scene, however. He obviously wants the approval of Diane’s father, but his seemingly misplaced confidence becomes something more of an awkward assuredness as he begins to describe what he would like to do with his life. The answer he gives has become the quintessential response of all the other Lloyd Doblers and Ben Braddocks in the world, all those college grads out there who are constantly bombarded with this question. At some point in the scene, it becomes clear to us that Lloyd believes no one will ever be able to love Diane as much as he. Even with all the blank and disappointed stares coming from James and his guests, it comes across beautifully.

Lloyd Dobler: I don’t want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don’t want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don’t want to do that.

2. Sideways (2004)

Miles (an amazing Paul Giamatti) lives in the past, and his friend Jack (a likewise Thomas Haden Church) is constantly trying to yank him out of it, which is one of the many motives behind this little double-date scene in Alexander Payne’s classic. The memorable moments are almost too many to count—even the very first conversation outside the restaurant is priceless. What we get from there are peaks and valleys that go ever higher and ever deeper. Things seem to be going good for the two couples at first—Jack tries noticeably harder than Miles to keep the women engaged, but the fervent smiling and eye contact from beautiful Maya (Virginia Madsen) is not lost on Miles. Soon, however, Miles’ drunkenness gets the better of him, which leads him like a marionette to a pay phone in the back, and to one of the most painfully awkward drunk-dials in film. Seriously, any moment where you are blasted and calling your ex-wife is not a good one, and it makes Miles seem like even more of a hopeless case. But it also makes us feel for him, and in the end, his actions are those that require some balls. The date doesn’t end there, but it pretty much does for Miles—which is sad, because we know he wants to hit that.

Jack: Do not drink too much. Do you hear me? I don’t want you passing out or going to the dark side. No going to the dark side!
Miles: Okay!

Jack: If they want to drink Merlot, we’re drinking Merlot.
Miles: No, if anyone orders Merlot, I’m leaving. I am NOT drinking any fucking Merlot!

1. Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)

Does it really surprise you that Cameron Crowe has three entries on this list? (Crowe wrote the screenplay, but Amy Heckerling directed.) “Fast Times” is basically a montage of classic date scenes and teen fantasies (I know Phoebe Cates is coming to mind for some of you, as she damn well should.). There is one date scene that stands out, however, and rings hilariously true in its innocent awkwardness. In the scene previous to the first date between nerdy Mark Ratner (Brian Backer) and hottie Stacy Hamilton (Jennifer Jason Leigh), Ratner’s buddy Mike Damone (Robert Romanus) gives him a few pointers. “When it comes down to makin’ out,” Damone says, “put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.” The next thing we hear, as Ratner drives with Stacy in the passenger seat, is the intro to “Kashmir”. Not only does Rat put it on at the wrong time—he puts on the wrong album entirely! These details and many more help this spot-on examination of awkward first dates, wonderfully realized by Cameron Crowe in his first screenplay. Halfway through dinner, Rat notices he has forgotten his wallet and has no way to pay for the meal. He decides to call on his buddy Damone to bring it to the restaurant, which Damone is wary of doing at first. (Though Damone’s reluctance to help Rat in his time of need should be considered foreshadowing, Ratner should not have called him in the first place, as it turns out to be nothing more than an invitation to cock-block.) Of course, while Rat is waiting for his wallet, he has to stall the date a bit, which he does simply by ordering more food and drinks. Soon, the couple’s table is full of restaurant debris, and Stacy looks shocked when Rat orders two more Cokes—right as Damone shows up to save the day! After narrowly escaping that predicament, Rat gets a piece of good news—Stacy’s parents happen to be out of town (her parents never seem to be home, in fact). She invites Rat to come inside, but he is too nervous to fire her up. He makes some excuse and says he has to go, leaving Stacy looking confused and unfulfilled. Through Rat, Cameron Crowe has given us something very valuable—an amazingly accurate blueprint of what NOT to do on a first date.

Mike Damone: I can see it all now, this is gonna be just like last summer. You fell in love with that girl at the Fotomat, you bought forty dollars worth of fuckin’ film, and you never even talked to her. You don’t even own a camera.

Tags: bad, best, classic, couples, dates, film, movies, romantic, scenes, Top 10 Unorthodox Date Scenes, Top ten Unorthodox Date Scenes, Worst

Just after Scene-Stealers panned Rob Zombie’s “Halloween II” (a nice discussion about the movie is brewing right here, by the way) and since I included two horror movies (one from this list) on a list of Top 10 Pointless Remakes, we have received a passionate plea for respect of the modern horror remake pandemic. Bill Heinen has jumped into the fray, defending these films on his own terms, and has produced this list of the Top 10 Best Modern Horror Remakes. If you have a list you’d like to contribute, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Bill:

Well, here we are right after opening weekend for both “The Final Destination” and “Halloween II” and just before my favorite cinematic time of the year: the Fall, or as I like to call it, “horror season.” After both thriving and then dying in the 80s, only to be resurrected (somewhat, but never to the extent of the 80s) in the mid 90s, slasher films are back, and remakes of some classic slashers are popping up all over the place. (If you’re really into the history of the slasher, I recommend “Going to Pieces,” one of the best horror docs I’ve ever seen.)

In just the past five years, we’ve had three classic horror films - including the father of all slashers - completely overhauled with a sleeker, glossier, and one could easily say, sexier approach. And there are plenty more coming, including a new take on Freddy Krueger as more a pedophile and less a dream-monster in the upcoming “A Nightmare on Elm Street,” and Shannon Elizabeth playing every horror nerd’s favorite party hostess, Angela, in the “Night of the Demons” remake. I’ve been looking into a lot of online rumors about horror remakes that are yet to come, including Raimi’s absolutely fantastic cult classic “The Evil Dead,” to a new, improved Chucky in a “Child’s Play” remake. And, like me, most horror fans are somewhat irritated, hoping producers shouldn’t tread on films that are far from perfect, and yet perfect in their own ridiculous ways.

I personally am a huge fan of cheesy 80s horror films - you know, the ones with zero plot, fake-looking blood all over the screen, a lot of barely-clad coeds, and someone with a vendetta, a power-saw, a screwdriver, a drill, and of course, the ol’ standby, a nice big knife. That said, because I’m such a fan of these films, and by no means a tenured film critic, I have to give Hollywood some credit for at least making some interesting remakes that may not do the original film justice, but are a bloody good time in their own right. So, because we have plenty more to look forward to (or dread, depending on where you stand when it comes to these movies), here’s a list of my top 10 horror remakes thus far. Final Note: I am not going to dive into the plots of most of these, just my reasons for thinking they are decent remakes. Enjoy, and bring on the comments.

10. Shutter (2008)

Yes, Joshua Jackson is in a horror film. Yes, it is a remake of a Japanese horror flick, and many horror connoisseurs claim that Japanese horror is the best horror. I am definitely not one of them. And yes, this movie has some wonderfully creepy moments. One thing I loved about this very underrated movie is that the ghost isn’t grotesquely scary, i.e. “The Ring” or “The Grudge”; faces don’t get morphed into frozen expressions of sheer terror. The film is a little more subtle than that. Instead, we get (pardon the expression) snapshots of a supernatural nature. In the vein of films such as “Stir of Echoes” and “What Lies Beneath,” our photo-friendly ghost leaves clues for Jackson’s wife, helping her discover an ugly truth about her husband’s past. It is kind of predictable, but the moments of discovery in this film are actually unsettling, culminating in Jackson’s realization at the end that the source of his neck pain is more than just a bad mattress. I could watch that scene again and again. Not a great film, but good enough to hit number 10 on the list.

9. Night of the Living Dead (1990)

Just so we’re clear, I am talking about the remake directed by Tom Savini (the makeup and effects god of horror/slasher cinema), not the horribly crappy 3D version that should have never, ever been made. Savini knows horror; he’s had a hand in tons of slashers since the original “Friday the 13th,” and he understands what this kind of audience wants: blood, and lots of it. There are plenty of heads lopped off, limbs scattered and flung around, and, of course, zombies ravenously eating the living. Barbara isn’t a neurotic nut-job like she is in Romero’s classic; instead, she’s blowing away zombies left and right, taking charge of the situation and calling out orders like a platoon sergeant. While I think the original is probably one of the best horror films ever made, Savini had fun with this and it shows.

8. Quarantine (2008)

This one is actually closest to its source material, the Spanish film “[Rec].” If you haven’t seen the original, check it out. Even with subtitles, it’s fantastic. I saw this movie in a huge theatre and made the mistake of sitting in the front row. I can handle rollercoasters just fine, and this film, at that vantage point, made me dizzy as hell. When I rented it and watched it from the comfort of my couch, I realized it really is pretty dizzying regardless. But so is the original. Like “28 Days Later,” one of the best zombie films ever made (and completely redefined the genre, but that is for another discussion), this movie deals with an infection that rapidly spreads and immediately changes one’s nature as opposed to having the dead rise from their graves in search of tasty flesh. A fair amount of violence and gore, a LOT of jump scares (which I still think are the best kind), and plenty of terrifying night-vision episodes of cat-and-mouse, hunter-and-the-hunted sort of thing. I liked it a lot more than I expected to, so it makes the cut at number 8.

7. Last House on the Left (2009)

OK, so the original somehow, and I have no idea how, seemed so much more tame after viewing this remake. Probably because it was filmed in 1972 and there were a lot of barriers that Wes Craven couldn’t cross, as groundbreaking as it was. I can barely stand to watch rape onscreen, and LHOTL’s unrated version had a pretty long rape, the worst part being that instead of explicitly showing the event, we hear it, we see the sweat and dirt on the victim’s forehead and chin, her knuckles fruitlessly grasping at leaves, and the rapist’s son watching with a blend of horror, guilt, and the calm of a Zen monk. You can feel this scene, and it’s gut-wrenching. I don’t want to sound like a sadist here, but watching the murders of the rapist’s friends later is actually a lot of fun, his brother’s death being my favorite (a bottle of wine and a hammer in the head, plus a few fingers in the kitchen sink? awesome. fucking awesome). Yes, the ending is lame (and by that I mean the going off into the sunrise and ‘everything’s gonna be ok’ part, NOT the microwaved face, which was great), but it works overall.

6. Dawn of the Dead (2004)

I really don’t need to justify this being number 6 on the list, I just need to say two words: zombie baby. That’s right, a fuckin’ screaming, shitting, flesh-eating zombie baby. This movie didn’t have the sociological commentary like the original (claiming consumers are much like zombies, people in death do what they did in life, as in shop compulsively without knowing why, etc.), but what it did have was a lot of action. And I mean a LOT. The movie starts with a bang, probably one of my favorite horror intros ever, and only lets up a few times when everyone is in the mall doing somewhat “human” things. The escape from the mall in the armored truck with chainsaws taking out body parts all over the place was pretty great too. And Sarah Polley is not too hard to look at, especially when she’s kicking undead ass.

5. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

Leatherface is one of the most mysterious horror icons. He apparently is the product of a bunch of ass-backward inbred butchers who decided a while back to stay in a deserted Texas town and murder and eat anyone unlucky enough to stumble across their way. Still, it’s never explained what prompts this individual to wear other people’s faces or hunt them down with a chainsaw - a very heavy, not-too-pragmatic murder weapon. The remake came out 29 years after the original, and while the first had plenty of scary, shocking moments, this one beats it with more violence, more gore, and waaaayyyy more cruelty. Slamming a bag of salt on an amputated leg while hanging him on a meathook … ouch. The movie had a lot of chases, with Jessica Biel having to run and fight with all she has. By the end, after the ordeal she’s had, after seeing her boyfriend’s peeled face hanging off his killer’s head, after killing her friend to ease his pain, it’s actually somewhat believable that she becomes such a badass and kills the fuck out of the sheriff. This is truly one of those very rare horror remakes that I ended up liking more than the original.

4. My Bloody Valentine 3D (2009)

This remake is a LOT of fun, and it is, without a doubt, the best 3D horror film ever made. Not like that’s saying a ton, but it’s something. Just like the original, the town thinks Harry Warden is dead and gone, and then the murders start up all over again. And in both films, the killer isn’t Harry at all (well, in the beginning of both films it is, but not at the conclusion). So the remake kept that part of the original … and that’s about it. The deaths in the original were more left up to the viewer’s imagination, whereas in the remake, through 3D lenses, we get to view eyeballs popping out, guts being strewn all over porches, and pickaxes flying towards us. It’s violent as all hell, it’s reckless and gory, and it’s basically a lot of running and killing. My kind of movie.

3. Halloween II (2009)

I am not pleased with two things in this movie, so I’m gonna list those first:

1. The first scene. It really doesn’t set the stage well. It showcases some bad acting from Sheri Moon Zombie, and the young Michael isn’t as evil-looking as Daeg from Zombie’s “Halloween.”

2. The mother/son Freudian thing and the Jungian/archetype thing with the white horse. Just didn’t work for me one bit. I thought it was pretty much a waste of time, though I guess it somewhat explained Myers’ purpose.

OK, that being said, I loved this movie. Now, I am biased, as I think Rob Zombie is the best horror director out there today, but it was fucking fantastic. As with his first “Halloween,” you really feel the force of Myers’ stabs, and it’s impressive and scary just how strong and powerful he is. Somehow, Zombie makes it hurt to watch, and it is graphic, but only for glimpses and seconds at a time. The original “Halloween II” (1981) took place entirely in a dimly-lit hospital with Jamie Lee Curtis basically hiding the entire time. It was somewhat scary, but not nearly as much as the first film. Though the hospital scene in Zombie’s is about 10 minutes long, it is by far scarier and more realistic than original director Rick Rosenthal’s. When she is stuck in the guard’s booth in the rainy dead of the night and Michael is slashing away at the walls, it’s hard not to feel how helpless Laurie really is. Annie’s death scene may be one of the most tragically sad and horrific scenes in the series, and her murder isn’t even completely shown onscreen. Laurie’s transformation from all-American good girl to understanding her true roots (“Angel O Myers”) is fairly devastating and uncomfortable, and you feel more empathy for her than any other Zombie character, in my opinion. Finally, this film will piss off a LOT of horror fans, or fans of Rob Zombie; it’s not simply a slasher movie, it’s a very artistic/archetypal/symbolic version of a slasher movie. That being said, I thought it was done in a beautifully horrific manner, with some shots that are hauntingly pulchritudinous.

2. Friday the 13th (2009)

OK, I might get some shit for the final two on my list, but I don’t care. There are plenty of reasons why I feel this remake was fantastic, and I’ll start with what my favorite kinds of horror films are all about: lots of breasts, lots of deaths. This movie was not only a damn good rehash of Crystal Lake massacres, it was basically a 90-minute homage to past films of the series. Instead of Jason’s mother being the killer throughout the entire movie, we see her for about a minute during the opening credits … and then we see her lose her head. I’ve talked to tons of my horror-nerd friends and we all agree that Jason is the centerpiece of the “Friday the 13th” world, not his mother, and we get both versions of Jason: potato-sack Jason, and of course, hockey-mask Jason. I’d say about half of the deaths in this film, while creative in their own right, definitely borrowed from previous films, which really excited me. Throughout my first viewing I kept thinking about how he jumped through the glass in part 5, how he used a bow and arrow (well, a harpoon really) in part 3, how he used a sleeping bag to kill someone in part 6, etc. It really was a lot of fun, and that’s what this franchise really is all about. Well, fun and buckets of blood, I suppose, but Glenn Danzig put it best when he was singing for Samhain as he chanted, “All murder, all guts, all fun.” Another thing I loved about this remake was that Jason was presented more as a highly-skilled hunter defending his land, and he defends it with a brutal force. Hell of a flick.

1. Halloween (2007)

I’m going to begin my explanation for our number one on the list by telling you all what my good friend and fellow horror guru (he actually knows WAY more about horror films than I) Kevin said after we left the theatre: “I’ve seen a lot of horror movies, and most of them in theatres, and I have never felt the way I feel right now after a movie. I have never seen something like that on screen.” And I couldn’t agree more. Rob Zombie gives us a brilliant retelling of not only the events in Carpenter’s classic boogeyman feature, but he allows us to understand that Michael Myers’ homicidal tendencies are not the result of a pagan curse or astrological anomalies (see “Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers”), it simply stems from an intensely fucked-up childhood. Malcolm McDowell was a genius choice for Dr. Loomis, played originally by the great Donald Pleasance, and he was a drawing point for many people that may not have gone to see this movie for any other reason. The movie is completely unapologetic, it is brutally in-your-face, and it doesn’t let up. At all. From young Myers beating a fellow classmate to death with a large stick to adult Myers chasing his sister through a decrepit, abandoned home, tearing up floorboards and constantly slashing inches behind her, this movie is incredibly intense. Of all the horror franchises, the “Halloween” films are my favorite. Something about Michael Myers is less hokey than Jason, less comical and silly than Freddy Krueger; he’s just evil incarnate, and he doesn’t even show a passion for killing. He simply kills. Zombie may not have used too much suspense or tension or cat-and-mouse tactics that made the original such a joy to watch, but he makes up for it with a sadistic intensity that I don’t believe any remake so far has matched.

Tags: 10, best, films, horror remakes, list, movies, slasher, ten, to, Top 10 Modern Horror Remakes, Top Ten Modern Horror Remakes

He’s appeared in ho-hum mainstream fare like “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button,” “Troy,” and “Meet Joe Black,” but it’s when Brad Pitt plays smaller roles that he’s able to really show off his acting chops—especially his impeccable comic timing (see this weekend’s #1 movie “Inglourious Basterds”). These 10 movies show that Pitt is a dangerous scene-stealing co-star, especially in quirkier material. Please enjoy my list of Brad Pitt’s Top 10 Supporting Performances. Click on the links to see video of each entry. If you have a list you’d like to contribute, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com.

10. Confessions of a Dangerous Mind (2002) Brad, Bachelor #1

In this Charlie Kaufman-penned directorial debut by George Clooney, Pitt cameos as a contestant named Brad on “The Dating Game,” alongside Matt Damon (who plays “Matt”). In the movie, Sam Rockwell portrays Chuck Barris, the creator of the show (and purportedly undercover CIA hitman) and the joke is that the slightly overweight dorky guy with the mustache wins the date over two superhunks because she can’t see them. There’s not much to the scene other than that one joke (which is why it’s at #10), but it just goes to show how synonymous Pitt is with good looks and how eager he is to lampoon that notion as much as possible. You’ll see how true that is when you get to the number-two entry on this list.

9. Snatch (2000) Mickey O’Neil

I’m not sure if it was a conscious choice to mock the bad reviews of his brogue in the standard and unremarkable Harrison Ford movie “The Devil’s Own,” but Pitt plays gypsy hustler-turned-bare-knuckle-fighter Mickey O’Neil with an Irish dialect that’s incomprehensible by just about every other person in this multi-character Guy Ritchie crime movie. The plot is pretty incomprehensible as well and uses a lot of Ritchie’s tricks from his previous “Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels,” but Pitt is hilarious, and sticks out the most in a movie so scuzzy and violent that dead bodies are fed to pigs.

8. Ocean’s Eleven (2001) Rusty Ryan

Pitt is the perfect comic foil to fast-talking Danny Ocean (George Clooney) in the first of three “Ocean’s” movies directed by Clooney pal Steven Soderbergh. Here Pitt takes advantage of his movie-star persona again, except this time he’s undercutting his handsome image and expensive wardrobe with a self-disparaging sense of humor and some pretty silly disguises. For someone who seems to have everything, Rusty has a problem holding on to money and he’s often seen eating something, although he rarely finishes. The “Ocean’s” series has resulted in to-be-expected diminishing returns, but Pitt’s witty banter with Clooney is always a highlight of each film. Here’s the scene where he and Clooney teach Topher “All Reds” Grace, Josh Jackson, and other young movie stars how to play poker.

7. Kalifornia (1993) Early Grayce

The premise sure is a lot of coincidence to accept, but Pitt still makes a memorable turn as a redneck parolee-turned-serial-killer who shares a cross country trip with an egghead grad student (David Duchovny) writing a book on … you guessed it … serial killers. While it’s somewhat of a crapshoot who is the lead character in this movie (like it is in the excellent “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward John Ford,” where Pitt’s James is in the title—further blurring the lines is the fact that Casey Affleck got a supporting actor nod even though he’s in the movie more than Pitt), I’m sticking with Pitt as the supporting player because it’s his actions that cause Duchovny’s character to re-evaluate his obsession. Pitt uses his movie-star charm to generate a good amount of empathy despite the mounting body count, playing against type but to his strengths again.

6. Babel (2006) Richard Jones

A contrived-but-vigorous ensemble drama directed by Alejandro González Iñárritu with a multinational cast, “Babel” was nominated for seven Oscars, but Best Supporting Actor was not one of them. Pitt plays an older, well-off American family man on vacation and in a rough patch in his marriage when his wife (Cate Blanchett) is suddenly hit by a stray bullet. Pitt showed a powerful combination of entitlement and desperation that we’ve never seen from him before. His anguish and rage was potent, and it was believable across the board even if his particular storyline was not as compelling as other characters—two of which (Rinko Kikuchi and Adriana Barazza) received supporting actress nominations instead. Here’s the HD trailer.

5. True Romance (1993) Floyd

Smoking pot out of a makeshift plastic honey bear bong, in nothing more than a cameo, Pitt steals the movie from a huge cast of heavyweights (Gary Oldman, Chistopher Walken, Dennis Hopper, Samuel L. Jackson, Val Kilmer) as Floyd, the clueless but merry stoner who rats out his roomie Dick (Michael Rapaport). Perhaps this was a hint of “Basterds” to come, since Quentin Tarantino wrote this Tony Scott-directed film. (Too bad he didn’t direct “True Romance” as well.) When future “Soprano” James Gandolfini comes by looking for Christian Slater’s main character Clarence, Floyd delivers one of the most quotable lines of the film as only a man of wealth and taste could: “They were here and then they said they were going to go there. And then they went.”

4. 12 Monkeys (1995) Jeffrey Goines

His first Academy Award nomination (and a Golden Globe win) came for this Terry Gilliam-directed thriller, where Pitt plays mental patient Jeffrey Goines, who turns out to be of central interest to the film’s lead character (played by Bruce Willis). Since the movie takes place in a bleak post-apocalyptic future where everybody lives underground, Pitt provides some much-needed levity with his wild ravings and jumping about (which include a full moon). The film gets a little bogged down with its constant flow of red herrings and take-backs, but Pitt still stands out as something fresh (if not pretty hammy) in “12 Monkeys,” which is an expanded version of the far-superior 1962 French short “La Jetée.”

3. Thelma & Louise (1991) J.D.

This is the second Scott brother-directed film on the list, only it was Tony’s older brother Ridley who directed a young Pitt in his breakthrough performance as a handsome young drifter named J.D. Geena Davis and Susan Sarandon are the title characters who encounter rampant sexism and get in a heap of trouble at every turn. Davis, however, finally indulges her sexual side during a hot night in a hotel room with the muscle-bound and shirtless J.D. He may have turned out to be a bank robber and stolen all of the road-tripping couple’s cash, but Pitt made a wildly favorable impression on moviegoers (especially female ones) everywhere. This is the movie that officially launched his career.

2. Burn After Reading (2008) Chad Feldheimer

If you thought Floyd from “True Romance” was dumb, wait until you see Pitt portray sweetly deficient gym employee Chad in this wickedly black Coen brothers comedy. The real irony here is that the combination of he and Clooney really got butts in the seats to see this Debbie Downer of a movie. The ads featured Pitt acting zany, jumping up and down, and getting punched in the face, making the movie look like a nutty romp. But when dorky little Chad exits the premises very suddenly, this existentialist comedy takes some unpredictably nightmarish turns. Best line: “I’m sorry to call you at this late hour but I thought you might be worried … about the security … of your shit.” Check it out and other of Pitt’s best moments from the film edited together here.

1. Inglourious Basterds (2009) Lt. Aldo Raine

Maybe it’s a little early to call this one, but I’m still reeling from the many unexpected pleasures of Tarantino’s newest genre twister. The previews hinted at Pitt’s redneck accent, but his perma-smirk and the pure relish he takes in killing Nazis (rhymes with gnat-sees) can only be matched by his unwavering confidence. Also, I know what you’re thinking and I’m way ahead of you: Yes, his is the supporting role—I don’t care what the posters and ads are selling. This is really the story of “The Jew Hunter” Col. Hans Landa (Christoph Waltz, another scene-stealer) and Shosanna Dreyfus (Mélanie Laurent), the young Jewish girl he once let go. Lt. Raine and his basterds are outliers. Hell, Raine doesn’t even get to participate in the final shootout! But Pitt’s delivery and timing are so funny in this movie that he gets laughs sometimes just for a look. Pitt’s really at the top of his game these days taking these quirky little roles and I sure hope he continues in this vein because he’s producing some of his best work to date. Start at :43.

Tags: best, brad, characters, ever, films, list, movies, performances, pitt, roles, Supporting, ten, top, Top 10 Brad Pitt Supporting Performances

Today’s list comes to us from Sean O’Connell, a New York City-based writer who also has also contributed his Top 10 Movie Brothers and Top 10 Rain Scenes. Thanks to Sean for another great list! If you have a Top 10 you’d like to contribute, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Sean:

Every day I take the subway to work, it is usually an hour commute into Manhattan. There is always this married couple that gets to the station the same time as me and are on the train for a majority of my ride. They look like the perfect couple on the outside, but it turns out the husband is a real jerk. He always blames her if they missed the train, or if they are running late, or he does not have enough money on him to get on the train. As he consistently blames her for everything short of the demise of the economy, she just sits there and takes the verbal abuse. So listening to them fight over the last six months got me to thinking, there have also been a lot of horrible husbands portrayed on the big screen. I know there have been some awful wives in Hollywood as well, but I am keeping this list dedicated to the awful husbands. Some honorable mentions that did not make the cut, Michael Caine in “Hannah & Her Sisters” (he has an affair with his wife’s sister), Ray Liota in “Goodfellas” (he cheats on his wife throughout the whole movie), and John Cassavetes in “Rosemary’s Baby” (he whores his wife out to the devil). So without further ado, here are the Top 10 Worst Husbands in Movie History.

10. Roy Neary - Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977)

I know right off the bat that many people will disagree with this one, but hear me out first. Forget the plot of the movie and just look at his actions. When we first see Roy Neary (Richard Dreyfuss), he is trying to teach his son how to do fractions. His wife Ronnie (Terry Garr) is cleaning the house trying to get her husband’s attention, while he just ignores her and gives one word answers to her questions. Then after Roy sees the UFOs, he wakes up his whole family to go see the site where he had his encounter. Ronnie does her best to believe him, and all she wants in return is to be held and kissed like they used to do. Roy, in turn, pretends to kiss her while still looking up in the sky. Then when Roy is promptly fired for not showing up to work, does he deal with this? No. He leaves it all up to Ronnie. Then when Ronnie feels it is time to have a serious talk about Roy’s insane behavior, she finds him in the shower fully clothed. At the end of the movie, everyone is always happy that Roy gets on the spaceship. I see it for what it is: He is running away from his responsibilities to his family. Instead of trying to go to counseling to try and save his marriage, he jumps on the first alien ship out of here. Spielberg was quoted years later as saying that you can tell he was single when he made this movie because now that he is a family man he would never have let Roy get on UFO and leave his family behind.

Worst Husband Moment: Roy’s attempt to save his marriage leads him to instead destroying his house by building an extra large model of Devil’s Tower in his living room. He uses garbage, dirt, mud, bushes, and chicken wire. This act is what ultimately chases Ronnie away.

9. Earl Hunterson - Waitress (2007)

The culprit in this movie is Earl Hunterson portrayed by Jeremy Sisto. Earl’s wife Jenna (Keri Russell) works as a waitress at the local diner where her specialty is making pies for any occasion. Really her pie making is an escape from the horrible marriage that she has gotten herself into. We find out Earl is bad news from the beginning of the movie because Jenna wants to hide her pregnancy from her husband. The last time I checked this is supposed to be a happy event. Anyway, Earl can always be heard coming in the scene because he beeps his car horn constantly when he picks Jenna up from work. One beep will do, but he has to be a jerk. He also takes all her money that she earned because a husband is in charge of the money in his eyes. Then when he finds the money Jenna had been hiding all around the house, money she was going to use to help her escape from him, he promptly flips out. He destroys a table at her best friend’s wedding, makes her come home, and then offers to buy a camcorder with the money so they can make sex films (that is if she can get back into shape after she has the baby). When Jenna finally gets the courage up to leave Earl, she goes to the bus stop. Earl beeps his way there, stops her before she gets on, and slaps her across the face. Striking a woman, let alone your pregnant wife, will instantly get you on the top 10.

Worst Husband Moment: When Earl finds out that Jenna is pregnant, he says she can only have the baby if she agrees to never love the baby more than him. WTF? How insecure can one person be? Well his reminder of the agreement after the birth of their daughter is what prompts Jenna to finally tell Earl to hit the bricks.

8. Monk - Purple Rose of Cairo (1985)

Next up on our list is Monk, played by Danny Aiello. Monk does not have much screen time in this movie but his actions as a husband have a significant impact on the movie. The wife here is Cecilia (Mia Farrow), who is a waitress in a local diner–wait, is there a trend here? Are all movie waitresses married to jerks? P.S. “Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore” doesn’t count because she wasn’t married to Harvey Keitel or Kris Kristofferson. So back to “Purple Rose,” after Cecilia works a hard day at the diner, she has to give her money to Monk who is out of work. Monk doesn’t pay bills with the money; he plays craps with his “friends” instead. By the way Monk is out of work and is playing craps when he is supposed to be out looking for a job. She tries many times to leave Monk but he always reminds her that she will be back because she has nowhere else to go. So the only escape she has from her awful marriage and constant beatings from her husband (we never see Monk hit her but he always reminds her that he will slap her silly again) is the movies. She goes everyday to see the same film, “The Purple Rose of Cairo.” Her devotion to the film leads to one of the characters stepping out of the film and insanity ensues. At the end though (SPOILER!), Cecilia does not get to run away to Hollywood with her new handsome actor boyfriend because he ditches her once the problems are solved. She is instead stuck in the movie theater again reminded that she has to go home to Monk because she has no other choices in life.

Worst Husband Moment: When Monk gets caught having an affair, he tries to convince Cecilia that it is her fault. He tells her he shouldn’t be left alone, that she should know how he gets when he drinks.

7. Prof. Humbert Humbert - Lolita (1962)

OK, the first three husbands were nothing compared to the next seven. “Lolita” … how do I even begin to explain how bad of a husband Humbert (James Mason) really is? For starters, he only marries Charlotte Hayes (Shelly Winters) so he can be closer to her underage (way underage) daughter Dolores (Lolita). Charlotte, who has no clue to what Humbert’s intentions are, sends Lolita away to summer camp. This makes Humbert depressed but he counts the days until she returns. When newlywed Humbert finds out that Charlotte plans to send Lolita to boarding school so that they can spend even more quiet time together, he becomes more withdrawn. Charlotte eventually finds his diary where he explains his ridiculous love for Lolita. This sends Charlotte into a frenzy and she wants Humbert out of the house, the great husband that Humbert is, he decides he is going to shoot Charlotte and make it look like a suicide. Well Charlotte beats him to the punch, while attempting to escape from Humbert she is hit by a car and dies. This news makes Humbert excited and he goes and gets drunk while taking a bath. Of course everyone just thinks that he is in denial. The rest of the movie just goes on to show that Humbert can also be a bad stepfather as well.

Worst Husband Moment: When Charlotte tries to seduce Humbert, the only way he can fulfill his husbandly duties is by staring at a framed picture of Lolita.

6. Ike Turner Sr. – What’s Love Got To Do With It (1993)

Good old Ike is the only real-life bad husband to make the list, but I’m sure there will be more to follow in the future years (the eventual O.J./Robert Blake/Jonathan Gosselin movie). Laurence Fishburne, who brilliantly portrayed Ike Turner, is the first of the movie husbands on this list to be nominated for an Academy Award. Ike is a selfish jerk of a husband who is jealous of his wife Tina’s (Angela Bassett) career. When they first meet, it seems like everything is going to be great between the two musicians, but we quickly get glimpses of the rage that lies beneath Ike Turner. Ike is constantly beating and berating Tina to the point that she doesn’t know if she is coming or going. He always reminds her that he MADE her, and that she would be nothing without him. Well, Tina eventually gets up the courage and decides to leave Ike, but the great man that he is, he decides that she can’t have her name; he thinks he owns it. Tina’s real name was Anna Mae Bullock and Ike felt the Turner name was his. He even says, “The name is mine. The name got my daddy’s blood on it. If she wanna go, she can go wherever she wanna go, but the name stays home!” What kind of a sick man thinks he owns a name? We all know that Tina gets her name in the end.

Worst Husband Moment: After a recording session, Ike throws everyone out of the studio. He then starts to hit Tina, and then rape her while screaming like an animal. Every time I watch this movie I find that this is the hardest scene to sit through.

5. Carlo Rizzi – The Godfather (1972)

Now, to be fair “The Godfather” has its share of bad husbands. Sonny Corleone cheating on his wife at his sister’s wedding and Michael Corleone lying right to his wife’s face at the end of the movie, but it is Carlo (Gianni Russo) who takes the prize. It starts out the way like many of the other bad movie marriages start where everything is great. Carlos and Connie (Talia Shire) have a storybook wedding that would make any couple blush. We eventually find out that Carlo only married Connie with dreams of one day joining the family business. When Sonny keeps shunning Carlo from family meetings, Carlo starts to take his frustrations out on Connie and ultimately decides to take matters in to his own hands. He makes a deal with two of the other rival mafia families to help take Sonny (James Caan) out. In order to achieve this, he must trick Sonny into one of his famous fits of rage. So Carlo decides to start going out all night, having affairs and having his mistress call the house looking for him. All of this makes Connie upset and forces her to confront Carlo. Carlo will not be confronted and decides to not once but twice beat his wife. Also, Carlo is the second husband on this list that hit his pregnant wife. Carlos is the first of our bad husbands who gets his in the end. Michael (Al Pacino) saw through Carlo’s little games and had him strangled on the day of his child’s christening.

Worse Husband Moment: The second time Carlo beats his wife, he first tells her to clean up all the dishes she broke. He then calls her a racial name and then chases her to the bathroom and beats her with his belt.

4. Martin Burney – Sleeping With The Enemy (1991)

First things first: By no means do I find this to be a good movie, but Martin Burney (Patrick Bergin) is one bad husband. The reason I felt compelled to put him up so high the list is because of what his wife Laura (Julia Roberts) planned to do just to get away from him. Here is a girl that knew divorce would not be enough, that he would always terrorize her. He was abusive, possessive, and got jealous when a neighbor would just say hi. So she decides she is going to fake her own death. Laura is petrified of the ocean and has never learned to swim. Martin convinces her to go out sailing with her one night. A storm comes and Laura is knocked overboard. Speaking of overboard, the husband in the 1987 classic comedy “Overboard” (Grant Stayton III, played by Edward Herrmann) was not so great himself. Anyway, so Martin is lead to believe his wife had drowned. End of marriage and Martin will be forced to move on. Well we find out that Laura had planned this night for months. She was taking swimming lessons so she would be able to swim to shore. She even faked her own mother’s death and moved her into a nursing home with a different name months before she faked her own death just so she could still visit her. When she did visit her blind mother, she went in disguise just in case. Now come on, all this planning instead of a divorce just to get away from one man? Martin deserves his spot at number four. Laura does get payback on her husband by shooting him twice in the chest.

Worst Husband Moment: When Martin finds his mother-in-law in the nursing home, he decides he is going to smother her with a pillow. Only because she said her daughter was married to a monster. Does that comment really condone being killed and how can you smother your blind mother-in-law with a pillow? Don’t worry, she doesn’t die.

3. Gregory Anton – Gaslight (1944)

Charles Boyer, who portrayed Gregory Anton, is the second husband on the list to be Oscar-nominated for his work. Gregory marries Paula (Ingrid Bergman), a woman who has been haunted by the death of her aunt years earlier in London. What does great new husband Gregory suggest she do in order for her to overcome her anxieties? Why, move into the very house that her Aunt died in of course. Paula agrees and soon she starts loosing small objects and hearing noises. When a watch that Gregory lost turns up in Paula pocketbook, he accuses her of stealing it–that’s classy. Poor Paula now starts to doubt her own sanity. It turns out that Gregory planted the watch there. Gregory was also hiding the small objects about the house and convincing her she was hearing noises. It turns out that Gregory’s master plan was to drive Paula crazy. Now that is what I call a wonderful husband. Bergman deservedly won the Academy Award that year for her amazing depiction of troubled Paula.

Worst Husband Moment: Gregory tells Paula that he is leaving every night, but instead he sneaks in the house through the attic. He turns down all the gaslights in the house the house so everything gets dim. Paula, since she is all alone and no one else experiences it, thinks that it is all her imagination.

2. Jerome “Jerry” Lundegaard – Fargo (1996)

The third of our Oscar nominated bad husbands is William H. Macy for his creepy performance as Jerry Lundegaard. From the opening scene we get a glimpse of just how wacked out Jerry is. He is sitting in a diner with two criminals, Carl and Gaear (Steve Buscemi and Peter Stormare), informing them of his plan on how he wants them to kidnap his wife Jean (Kristen Rudrud). His hopes are that he can then get the ransom money from his father-in-law and give the criminals $100,000 and keep the rest for himself to pay off his debts. This plan is so insane that even Carl and Gaear are confused by his motives and they tell him to simply ask his wife for the money. Jerry just can’t do that, so he would rather rely in two ex-cons he never met before to carry out his master plan. Needless to say, it all goes wrong, people are dying, and all wackiness ensues. Jerry starts lying to his father-in-law, trying to control the situation, just so he can get his money. When it looks like a legit business deal that Jerry has been working on might work out, he tries to cancel the kidnapping. When he finds out that he can’t stop it, he decides to just go along with it. Meanwhile, Jerry has a teenage son that is absolutely crushed by the disappearance of his mother. Jerry just tells him to keep on telling everyone mom is out of town. Jerry finds no remorse in his actions, and in no way comforts his son. (SPOILER!) Well, Jean is eventually murdered by mad man Gaear, and the police find Jerry hiding out in a motel trying to flee the scene. This all could have been avoided if Jerry just manned up and asked his wife for the money, but what do we expect from the number two bad husband in cinema history.

Worst Husband Moment: When Jerry finds out that Carl murdered Jean’s father, he decides to hide the body in the trunk of his car. This man would do anything to get his hands on the ransom money.

1. Jack Torrance – The Shining (1980)

Jack Nicholson takes the top prize on this list for his portrayal of the ax-wielding maniac husband from the Overlook Hotel. I know a lot of people are going to say that it was not his fault, that he had cabin fever. Really… I have been snowed in before to and I never felt the need to chop my family into bits. Then some might say, well he was possessed by the demons of the hotels past. The thing is, he was a jerk even before he got to the hotel. His loving wife Wendy (Shelly Duvall) looks like she is afraid of her own shadow because she was forced to deal with Jack’s alcoholic past. He even ripped their sons arm out of his socket because he messed up his test papers. So even before we know what makes Jack tick, it is clearly established that he is a bad husband. Jack, as selfish as he is, decides to drag Wendy and son Danny (Danny Lloyd) up to an isolated hotel for the winter just so he can finish writing his novel. Wendy, the good wife that she is, just wants to make him sandwiches and spend some quality time with him. Jack’s loving reply to Wendy’s actions is “When you come in here and you hear me typing, or whether you DON’T hear me typing, or whatever the FUCK you hear me doing; when I’m in here, it means that I am working, THAT means don’t come in. Now, do you think you can handle that?” Jack then tries to find out who beat up their son and when he finds who did it, does he reprimand the lady in room 237, NO- he kisses the witch. Then Jack decides that it is time to destroy the snowmobiles so his family can’t escape, he destroys the radio, and gets an ax to kill his family. Of course, his plan fails and Jack becomes a frozen statue for all to see in the Overlook Hotel’s glorious botanical maze.

Worst Husband Moment: Wendy finds out that Jack has not been writing a novel at all. Remember, that was the main reason he dragged her up to the middle of nowhere. He instead has been writing, “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” over and over again. Jack finds her reading his “novel” and starts to pursue her up the stairs. He then threatens to bash Wendy’s brains in with a baseball bat. At least he calls Wendy the light of his life first.

Tags: 10, bad, characters, dumb, evil, film, husbands, list, men, movies, ten, top, Top 10 Worst Movie Husbands, Top Ten Worst Movie Husbands, Worst

Today’s Top 10 comes from indie filmmaker Trey Hock, and this is a list I’ve tried my hand at several times, but never completed. It’s such a daunting amount of research because the cliche is: “The book is always better then the movie.” Not. Always. True. Anyway, get arguing and get ready to enjoy Trey’s Top 10 Movies as Good or Better Than Books They’re Based On. If you have your own list to contribute, just email me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Trey:

When I first sat down to write this list, I thought that I was getting ready to start some trouble, but I’m not sure that most of the list will cause much controversy. I do think there are a couple of items that may raise an eyebrow, but for most part, this list helps to illustrate a point. Books and movies are just different. One is not better than the other. Sure, you can make a crappy movie from a great book, but you can make a crappy from nothing at all. Vice versa, you can take the core idea from a bad book and turn it into something really cool.

Let’s put the emphasis back on the screenwriters and filmmakers to do their jobs well, because even if you disagree that these movies are as good or better then their books, it’s hard to deny they are at least good movies. So it can be done.

10. The Shawshank Redemption (1994) based on “Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption” by Stephen King

One would never make the claim that Stephen King is a literary genius, but there is something to be said for the strength of his non-horror short stories. They are often well thought out and focus on a single concept or theme. Though they are often easily digestible as far as content, there is something inspired at times. “Shawshank” is in the same collection of short stories as “The Body” and “Apt Pupil,” which speaks to the nature of the stories. “Shawshank” in particular is compelling because the central concept is hope in spite of one’s circumstances. What the movie does is take a story with a great concept, sloppy structure, and wavering tone, and turn it into a film with a great concept, well-developed structure and a singular ton, as voiced by Morgan Freeman. We have only one warden instead of three, Andy takes the embezzled money from his captors instead of getting a friend to set up a fund for him, and the Warden dispatches himself with a revolver instead of retiring to obscurity. All of these are better choices, which make the story tighter in the film.

9. The Wizard of Oz (1939) based on “The Wonderful Wizard of Oz” by L. Frank Baum

This will not start many arguments, because most of you will have never read L. Frank Baum’s masterwork. This children’s story, written at the end of the 19th Century, is clunky, overly mechanical, and almost devoid of emotion. Not so the film version. Released at the high-water mark of the golden age of film, the 1939 “Wizard of Oz” collapses the story and a couple of characters to trim away the unnecessary bulk, and gives the viewer a straightforward coming-of-age fairy tale. The cast, which includes Judy Garland, Ray Bolger, Bert Lahr, Jack Haley, and Margaret Hamilton, is almost beyond critique. The world that is constructed around them is boldly colorful and a true artistic achievement. Even today, the film is compelling and entertaining, which is more than I can say for the original text.

8. Die Hard (1988) based on “Nothing Lasts Forever” by Roderick Thorpe

Wow, this book is really not very good. The main character is a sappy ex-cop, ex-military has-been. He whines and pines over his now-dead ex-wife and worries about his daughter stuck in the building with him and the terrorists. Just shut up already. Thanks to screenwriters Steven E. de Souza and Jeb Stuart and director John McTiernan for making him do just that. What the film does is distill the good concept of a single cop trapped in a building taking on a group of highly skilled and dangerous thieves, and removes all of the wearisome self-doubt from the main character, while still making him a hero that bleeds and wants to spend Christmas with his wife. This deserves a nod, because the movie in many ways changed what an action film could be. Now we could have something smart funny, as well as edge-of-your-seat exciting. Yippee-ki-yay, motherfuckers.

7. Fight Club (1999) based on “Fight Club” by Chuck Palahniuk

Chuck Palahniuk’s break-out novel is still arguably his best work. The novel is definitely worth reading, but something amazing happens when David Fincher gets a hold of the material. Fincher streamlines the story where he needs to, which makes the statement less preachy and much more subtle and subversive. Because we only have moments of voice-over and not pages of internal rant, our narrator seems smart, savvy, and only as naïve as he needs to for the story to stay plausible. The change Fincher makes by moving Tyler Durden out of the asylum and away from his scarred dragon smile at the end makes the character and story much more dangerous. This person is still out walking amongst us, ready to pee in our soup and blow up our creditors.

6. Blade Runner (1982) based on “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?” by Philip K. Dick

Philip K Dick’s dystopian vision permeates much of his writing. His protagonist Rick Deckard is a world-weary cop of sorts who hunts down rogue androids. The novel suffers from meandering digressions critiquing religious practices and forms of media. What the film does is focus solely on the question, “What does it mean to be human?” Ridley Scott’s expansive film immersed us in Dick’s world where all animals are synthetic, and some of the humans are as well. One of the savvy choices Scott makes is to make Deckard single. This clears the way for him to fall in love with the synthetic Rachael. This helps Deckard and the viewer to begin questioning the true humanity of these man-made beings. Sean Young gives her typical wooden performance, and Harrison Ford shows his normal lack of range, but the finale in the abandoned building between Rutger Hauer and Ford is one of the most memorable moments in modern film. Many science-fiction franchises including the new “Battlestar Galactica” series owe an incredible debt to this film.

5. The Silence of the Lambs (1991) based on “The Silence of the Lambs” by Thomas Harris

Take a pretty solid crime thriller that follows a young FBI cadet who is tracking a serial killer with the help of a brilliant cannibalistic psychopath and put it in the hands of director Jonathan Demme, and what you get is a remarkable film. Demme shaved away a lot of the crass tone that Thomas Harris sometimes falls into. He also removed a few cute digressions, such as Lecter’s eye color and his concept of the crucifixion watch (Jesus’ outstretched arms are the hands of the clock). Ultimately this allows him to just spend time with Lecter, Starling, and the way-too-creepy Buffalo Bill. This films uses it’s visuals in an expressive way that just doesn’t translate as well from the page. Demme keeps Starling in small, enclosed spaces throughout the film. She is trapped, and it ultimately leads to her night-vision showdown with Bill. Demme is able to show us how much we need to see this story.

4. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (1975) based on “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” by Ken Kesey

Ken Kesey crafts a pretty stunning work that is incredibly well told and emotionally compelling. It’s a good thing the film was directed by Milos Forman. There are a few differences, the most apparent is the voice of the narrator in the book, but we need a character to anchor our thoughts in the novel, whereas Forman can show us the story that develops, and allows us to become the narrator. We all become just another nut in the nuthouse. Jack Nicholson’s performance is genuinely inspired and the cast that surrounds is like a who’s who of soon-to-be 80s stars. Really, this is a one of the few real win-win situations. You should at some point read the book and watch the movie. Both are incredible.

3. A Clockwork Orange (1971) based on “A Clockwork Orange” by Anthony Burgess

I had to find a way to get Kubrick in here. Sure there was “The Shining,” but I wanted to give King a fighting chance. Then there’s “2001:A Space Odyssey,” but Clarke and Kubrick developed the concept and story together. So I went with “A Clockwork Orange,” and really it’s quite a remarkable achievement. First, this is a really exciting read. Burgess makes us question the measures we are willing to take to rehabilitate criminals. Are we simply replacing one type of violence for another? Kubrick’s strategy is to keep the focus always on Alex. His centered close-ups as Alex’s dreamy voice-over drones his thoughts into our brain are unbelievable. Add in some of the most moving and disturbing scenes of all time and you have a pretty powerful film. This film will stay fresh the way Pink Floyd’s ever-popular “Dark Side of the Moon” stays fresh. There will always be teenagers who are angry about anything that comes within a few feet. This is the movie that gives them power and makes them scary.

2. “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy (2001-3) Based on “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy by J.R.R. Tolkien

How do you make a pretty incredible piece of popular literature that reads like a history of a non-existent world into a film? Well, you turn it into an epic action and drama-filled extravaganza, and of course, you stick to your guns about needing three films to make it happen. This is where you can go to see how a film can differ from the book on which it’s based, yet maintain the integrity of the original work. One of the hardest things that Peter Jackson had to do was to give Tolkien’s characters some emotional depth, which he does successfully. There are so many things that could have made this endeavor a disaster. The story could have fallen into the hands of someone less skilled, there could have been an insistence on one or two instead of three films, or studio New Line might not have been in the position to green-light the project. Let’s just be happy that we got good film versions of three good books.

1. The Godfather (1972) based on “The Godfather” by Mario Puzo

It takes a genius to make a pulpy, somewhat trashy, mob thriller into one of the greatest films of all time. This was the book that you read in high school to feel rebellious or a little dirty. Along comes Francis Ford Coppola, and his exceptional drama of a family and how uncontrolled power corrupts them, and we welcome in a new era of filmmaking. Coppola makes the story better and his direction is almost flawless. I’m not sure what more I can say. If you’re taking a class on adapting literature to film, then read the book. Otherwise watch the film over and over. This gets the top spot, because if “The Godfather” is on a list, that’s where it should be.

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