Our pal Warren J. Cantrell over at 10rant.com is known for his over-the-top persona. This list will no doubt be as controversial as some of his other man-tastic past Top 10s. If you have an idea for your own Top 10, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Warren:

Like a regrettable relationship, sometimes the true nature of a film only pulls into focus after a healthy dose of time and perspective. What we once enjoyed and maybe even defended against less confused peers can sometimes emerge from the time-fog as a shamefully regrettable “phase” that etches an embarrassing low-water mark for all films (or romances) to follow. As it concerns movies, any number of factors can contribute to this miscalculation, be it awesome pre-release hype, back-seat-opinion influence, and/or genre stigma. The last of these is important, for it’s easy for both those making and watching a film to get lost in a popular trend or fad that invariably gets played out and cliché after the fifty or sixtieth re-tread. It is for this reason that a movie’s ability to “stand the test of time” is such an important factor in determining its worth: perfectly executed harmonies between performances, content, and cinematic craftsmanship rare in films even to this day. Some films pulled this feat off and continue to do so even after a few decades on the shelf, and can rightfully be termed “classics,” as they dealt with themes that are a central part of the motion picture industry and the larger human experience (Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?, 12 Angry Men, Psycho, and Paratroop Command come to mind). Other films got it wrong from the get-go, yet because of nostalgic vice-grips on memories or experiences associated with the pictures, people refuse to re-think the movies with a critical 21st century eye. Yes, while many claim that the films below are indispensable members of the holy Hollywood fraternity of screen gems, I’d ask that you take a harder look at what these “classics” were saying to their audience, examining the larger messages at play, and the complete picture from a distance.

10. The Sound of Music (1965)

This movie played around with some fairly interesting components, what with the lush Austrian scenery, horny nuns, and Nazi invaders. Having obviously decided that a plot that focused on the confluence of love and war couldn’t possibly carry the weight of two whole hours, the picture turned instead to song. Yes, to fill gaps that might otherwise have been plugged by Panzer divisions making ninety miles a day and a back-alley Fascist network that was paving the way for invasion with murder, the audience got a full soundtrack of delightful family sing-alongs. Good Christ: what was going on in ’65? I mean, I know Kennedy had his head opened up a couple years earlier, and the country was generally feeling “escapist,” but why deny the people some proper WWII action when the table had pretty much already been set? Was the movie based on a pre-existing musical? Yes. Did the film have fairly serious expectations to fill as it concerned its stage predecessor? Most definitely. Does this mean a flick can’t screw around a little to make a painfully underutilized plot more interesting and dynamic, giving the audience something other than shattered expectations when the Von Trapp’s didn’t kill that greasy little cunt Rolf? Hell no! Give this movie some action that ties in to the monumentally historical events unfolding around the main characters, ditch the songs, and stick with what works: killing Nazis to escape to freedom. Speaking of freedom, we may as well mention the elephant in the room, for after this list’s posting and the beating this next movie’s about to get at my hands, Spielberg, Lucas, Coppola and the rest of the Hollywood elite will make sure I am cast into the abyss, all liberties lost to he who dares criticize…

9. Citizen Kane (1941)

Indeed, there’s a lot to like in this film, yet in a way that puts it into an entirely different category than “The Sound of Music.” Truly, the innovate narrative structure, camerawork, and audio mixing put it into that rare class of film that defines the modern cinematic experience. To call this film a classic, however, is like claiming the Army Field Manual is an indispensable pillar of American literature. Let’s just be honest: while an admittedly important movie, its story is about as interesting as a barnacle convention. Though the movie dealt with a newspaper tycoon with money to burn and the world at his feet, the plot minced through tedious reviews, and re-reviews of the rich asshole’s love life. His love life! The film could have delved into any number of strikes he brutally repressed, or more details surrounding the wars he felt like starting with his newspaper. But no! Instead, the picture took a hard left directly off the shit-cliff into a shit-gulley, setting up very pretty shots with good cuts for a film that didn’t have the story to keep a person even remotely interested. It didn’t help that the film’s characters and the situations they were involved in register on the believability scale right on par with the expected fare in a daytime soap opera. Cartoonish in their presentation, Kane, his wives, and even the butler, acted with such ham-fisted amateur-hour proficiency that a person blushes, almost feeling sorry for the film before remembering how much blind devotion it elicits. The ultimate standard for modern filmmaking techniques and the Nouvelle Vague? Perhaps. Entertaining fare with an engaging plot and realistic performances? Not on your life.

8. Singing In the Rain (1952)

Speaking of foaming-at-the-mouth devotion for no conceivable reason, this sorry excuse for a movie has to get some ink, for nothing occurs throughout this picture that a half-hour sitcom episode couldn’t tidily wrap up. Personally, I couldn’t give a damn about the struggles of a successful movie star in the 1950s, and his headaches concerning famous girlfriends and studio hassles that revolved around the next big “talkie” release. Apparently back in the 50s people stared at clothes drying and watched the leaves change colors for entertainment, hence this exciting brand of storytelling got a bit of attention. After the advent of the flamethrower, however, you’d think this kind of shit would get shelved for more interesting fare, but alas, they still made this crap. And why? So that people could learn how to deceive a popular audience via lip-synching techniques and film slight-of-hand beneath the larger guise of a breezy romantic comedy? By all means, make a love story or a movie about the mid-20th century film industry, but if it’s going to stand up as “classic” 50 years later, don’t you think some endearing truth other than “love perseveres” should stand out? This movie was helpful in the grand scheme of things, however, which is why it’s not near the top slots. Indeed, this movie is proof that in order to make a buck with a film, all a person REALLY needs to do is choreograph a fancy dancing scene and slap together a non-threatening love triangle, and the money, adulation, and “classic” status will obediently fall into line.

7. The Wizard of Oz (1939)

First off, why did we even go to Oz? Why didn’t Dorothy shack up with some lousy, good-for-nothing petty thief and borderline-masochist, going Bonnie and Clyde on the Midwest with her new beau to reclaim dog and honor? Seriously? Who gets a court order to take away a 12-year old’s dog after beating it with a rake? Setting up a great revenge thread that was woefully under-utilized, the film transitioned from there into an alternate universe where the streets were paved with gold and the only impediment to Dorothy’s total domination of the new realm was midgets and witches that immediately melted when introduced to liquids. Naïve country bumpkin that she was, Dorothy spent the rest of the movie opining about her Midwestern farm life, battling flying monkeys (which still terrify me to this day, unholy beasts that they are) and forming uneasy alliances with mutant lion, tin, and straw creatures. And for what? To get back to Kansas, where communities stood gutted by the Great Depression and dogs were taken spitefully from sweet-natured little girls? With a bucket of water and the support of the local Munchkin unions, Dorothy could have solidified a power base that would have lasted in perpetuity. Ultimately, the film was telling its audience that despite all indicators suggesting otherwise, a person should reinvest and commit to a political and economic system that was well into its eighth year of ruin. Though the movie was based on a novel with equally powerful subtext, at least the author of the book made no qualms about his metaphors and insinuations, presenting fairly obvious symbolic and thematic elements to his tale. Almost all of the book’s themes were discarded for the film, a picture that spoke volumes about the movie’s support of United States isolationist policies despite Nazi aggression in Poland, and a devastating war in China. Dorothy was the film’s presentation of U.S. policy at the time, one which refused direct intervention and global dominance, that is until the witch came across the pond, and started dropping bombs on Kansas (would have been perfect for the sequel). But by that point, everybody was willing to accept that the tale was little more than a feel-good musical about a girl, her dog, and a land called Oz that could have been Dorothy’s had she been provoked enough to take it.

6. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)

For a cartoon, this movie came with some pretty awesome assets: conspiracy, contract murder, deceit, poison, and even witchcraft. This brings us to our first problem, however. Mainly, this flick didn’t know what it wanted from itself. When you set up your story by introducing a woman looking to have the heart of an innocent young girl cut out and brought to her in a box, the first thing that comes to mind probably isn’t that you’d figure this as a sure-fire bet to capture the G-rated 5-12 year old demographic. Second, the movie gave us a comely young lass wandering into the bedroom of seven men living isolated in the middle of nowhere, providing nothing in the way of realistic resolution. And when I say “realistic resolution,” I mean “gang bang.” Come on, you really think seven dudes working like galley-slaves in the armpit of a diamond mine wouldn’t immediately turn out some tasty piece of ass that broke into their cottage and fell asleep on their beds? What are we even talking about, here? Third, where’s the revenge? Seriously! Some half-mad bitch of a stepmother puts a contract out on you and later tries to finish the job herself via poison, and a renegade bolt of lightning ultimately kills her? I take no issue with the fact that the movie is a cartoon, or even that it’s rife with extraneous musical numbers: but to set up a good character thread and abandon it so that dashing princes can arrive and NOT stab the crap out of something! Unforgiveable.

5. Breakfast at Tiffany’s (1961)

When I saw this movie, I kept waiting for the male lead to come to his senses, ditch the loopy bitch upstairs, get a cigar, and start working on making a plan come together. That Hannibal of all people had to suffer the indignity of a man checking his balls at the start of the first act makes this entire picture inexcusable. A fiendishly hot Audrey Hepburn though she may have been, she was a whore! Peppard’s character, on the other hand, was a writer with an endless train of gravy practically coming out of the tap via a rich, it-could-be-worse-looking socialite that wanted nothing more than to keep a man-slut on the side, even if that meant sharing him with other, younger, women. This guy had a gig where a woman was paying his bills and keeping him in style, allowing him to concentrate entirely on his writing while his sugar momma wasn’t even asking the guy to be exclusive. Crapping this divinely ordained arrangement down his leg so that he could chase a good-for-nothing cocktease harboring more issues than the Washington Post, the film’s lead ultimately got his prize in the end (a happy twist left out of the novel). But is that supposed to be a good thing? Wracked with guilt and anguish over her dead brother, mangled childhood, lost riches, and whore life, what kind of victory are we to assume for Hannibal and his new woman? He gave up his chance at getting some good ink time in without worry of bills or the taxman as a result of his “kept-man” status. Having thrown that away, and almost certainly in need of a real job to sustain his and the new girlfriend’s plush New York City lifestyle, what drab, sour existence can the audience expect from two people looking to accomplish little more than to keep from whoring themselves back out to high society to get by? Had the lead simply stuck it out a bit longer with the rich old broad to give him time to write and get established instead of chasing crazy high-end call girls, he might have ended up as more than the fractured shell of a man he almost certainly became.

4. Gone With the Wind (1939)

What a pain in the ass this movie is! There wasn’t a pragmatic, straight-thinking character in the whole friggin’ mess of a story: Even borderline-tough Rhett absolutely out of his mind as it concerned Scarlett. This didn’t put Clark Gable’s character into exclusive territory, however, as Ms. O’Hara was hopelessly in love with Ashley (a dude) who was already hooked up with Scarlett’s good friend Melanie. Throughout the course of the American Civil War and the subsequent reconstruction (both historical periods teeming with interesting plot possibilities) the movie looked only at the relationships of confused, hopelessly deranged maniacs, giving the audience plot twists that resembled a mediocre “Real World” episode. The whole thing played out like the narrative in a grocery store romance novel, Scarlett pining over some stupid asshole with a chick’s name while whoring herself out to whatever rich dickhead felt compelled to give the increasingly fat socialite a dick-tickle. By the time anybody came to their senses, the Civil War was over, children and parents had died, and three unrecoverable hours were gone. Though I do give some credit to Rhett for telling Scarlett to screw off at the end, it came too little too late. Had Gable’s character done this at the beginning of the film, it might instead have given the audience time to get to know the slick Reb. blockade runner and all-around bad-ass. Instead, we were forced to endure what felt like months of some incomprehensible love octagon with no real resolution except that everybody got screwed at the end. While I support so challenging a conclusion, this movie took pretty much the longest, most painful route to get to that conclusion, something the next film can certainly relate to …

3. The Searchers (1956)

There are few “classics” out there that get as much positive attention while still embracing so striking a racist pose as this legendary western. While there were certainly moments of cinematic splendor in the movie that challenged audiences in a way that forced them to re-conceptualize their filmgoing experience (Director John Ford knew how to shoot and cut a good-looking picture.), the story was horrific on multiple levels. In a reversal of the actual scenario of menace to the western plains in the mid-19th century, it’s Native Americans and not whites that were terrorizing innocents in this picture, with John Wayne’s Ethan avenging ethnic-cleansing on behalf of his people. Despite the well-documented reality of the genocide perpetrated against these people, widely known even at the time of this picture’s release, the movie embraced the idea of the Comanche’s faceless savagery as seen most clearly through their Chief Scar. This antagonist’s very name represented his people’s depiction in the film, standing in as an ugly blemish upon the divinely sanctioned American expansion west. Disregarding the safety of the very woman he was charged to rescue on several occasions to exact his revenge on Scar and his people, the Duke did what came most natural to the man: killing Injuns in the name of racial purity. Going so far as to turn his pistol on “Debbie” after learning that she’d acclimated to Comanche society, it’s only after Ethan actually scalped another human being that he realized that maybe, possibly, he might have some issues. Never apologizing for his five-plus year struggle to prevent or otherwise avenge the crime of miscegenation, Wayne’s character leaves the frame in the final shot a triumphant hero, having returned a white woman to her “people.” Say what you will about “Birth of a Nation,” at least people universally recognize that that movie was putrid in message if not in form, something that cannot so easily be said about this or the following entry …

2. Casablanca (1942)

What a pussy! That bitch leaves Rick in Paris without a word of explanation, without an apology or even a see-you-later fuck, and he takes her back? I don’t care that her husband had escaped from a Nazi concentration camp: for all I care it could have been a goddamn whale! Once a woman runs out on a man, favors immediately die. Ladies, break a guy’s heart if you want, but never do either of the following things afterwards: leave them a pen as a parting gift, and/or come back later asking favors. Ingrid Bergman’s Ilsa batted her eyes at Rick for all of a minute and in no time the guy was arranging covert transport, lying to military police, and even shooting people to cover his ex-girlfriend’s tracks. And for what? This film did immeasurable damage to men for decades to follow, the reverberations of the catastrophe felt to this day. This movie informed a generation of women that they could freely abuse, use, leave, and re-use men without worry of retribution or refusal. Because of this film, women are still of the understanding that it’s okay to toy with a man’s emotions and grind his heart into inhalable powder, that even after shattering his life and re-emerging with a new guy, that the ex will still be there because that’s what “classic” men do. Well thanks a lot, Bogey! Because of your baffling lack of backbone and the immediate collapse of your resolve, men will forever suffer at the hands of cruel, lazy, inconsiderate women who think nothing of leaving a guy, parading the new product in front of his face, and begging favors from emotionally-crippled souls. Who else needs a drink?

1. It’s a Wonderful Life (1946)

When it comes to unredeemable crocks of shit, it doesn’t get much more deceptive than Frank Capra’s most egregious assault against America, the flag, and apple pie. In his 2008 write-up, Wendell Jamieson said that “‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ is a terrifying, asphyxiating story about growing up and relinquishing your dreams,” making an excellent point about a movie that is practically on repeat every Christmas. Yes, on the holiday when people are feeling their most vulnerable to influence and sentimentality, this movie comes around like clockwork, pushing people toward a miserable existence that will not ultimately be saved by angels, faith, and the kindness of one’s community. No, in real life, the REAL world outside of Hollywood and Never-Never Land, there is no angel to stop you from taking a header off the bridge, no Dickens-esque retreat into an unseen present. For actual human beings living in the non-fiction realm, the sacrifice of ambition and one’s life’s pursuits, the seemingly endless series of compromises that extinguish the noblest aspirations of the soul: they destroy us lock, stock, and barrel. George’s dilemma before his encounter with Clarence was legitimate for a man who never realistically took stock of his life or what he truly wanted for himself. That he ended up turning on his children and spouse, emerging thereafter from a bar en route to a suicide bridge should come as no surprise to anybody who has traded the dreams of tomorrow for today’s familiar and convenient gratification. George realized on that bridge that his life had been for shit, and despite doing the technically “right” thing by staying behind and printing a sign on his back that read “doormat,” he had nothing to show for his existence than pending collections litigation, divorce, and homelessness. That this film is shown on television regularly, and on a recognized holiday that guarantees its capacity to influence children is astonishing and, unbelievably, not upsetting to nearly enough of you out there. For shame.

Tags: awful, bad, classic, classic movies that suck, classics, films, Good, movies, no, overpraised, overrated, suck, terrible, wrong

Today’s Top 10 comes from Cameron Hawk, who previously submitted the excellent list Top 10 Uses of Pop Songs in Movies. If you have a list you’d like to contribute, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Cameron:

Dating—what a weird, mammalian concept. A lot of movies deal with the peaks and pitfalls of the practice because it is something everyone can instantly relate with. Usually, the high and low points are so  heartwarming or so awkward that they stay with us our whole lives. This list compiles what I believe to be scenes that present the dating ritual unapologetically, in all its naturally imperfect glory.

10. The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005)

Steve Carell’s portrayal of the unexplainably celibate Andy is still my favorite performance of his. Andy’s personality is layered, complex, and at times strange, but never is it not apparent to us that he is a good soul. It might be harder for other characters to see, as they don’t have the direct access to his head that we do. This is what makes the film such a great study in humanity, and why people do the things they do or act the way they act. So obviously, in a film like this, the date scenes are going to be stellar. There are several memorable ones. However, the scene in which Andy finds out the hard way that he has never learned how to put on a condom has got to be the best of the bunch. After an amazing date with Trish (Catherine Keener), the two are feeling very comfortable with each other, and eventually the moment arrives. Right away, we can see in Andy’s eyes that this is the closest he has ever been to “the real thing”. He wants it to happen—it’s the right person, the right time, and she has plenty of protection. Unfortunately, Andy’s inability to properly apply a rubber soon leads to a large pile of unusable ones by the door, which are mistaken for already-used ones by Trish’s daughter Marla (Kat Dennings) when she and her boyfriend burst into the room. Right away, Marla assumes Andy is a sex fiend and that they have been having sex repeatedly throughout the evening. She couldn’t be more wrong, and these innocent misunderstandings make up the heart of the film, if not the heart of humanity itself.

Marla’s Boyfriend: Dude—teach me.

9. Elizabethtown (2005)

The many outspoken detractors of “Elizabethtown” will first wonder why this movie is getting any kind of recognition on any kind of list anywhere—you all can just sit off to the side for now, or maybe head over to the TV room and pop in “Elizabethtown” again. When you watch it this time, try not to expect another “Almost Famous.” For that matter, try not to expect anything. For those of you who liked the film, or at least those of you who can muster a conversation about it without bursting out into random fits of cursing and self-mutilation, I am here to argue something—the scene with Kirsten Dunst and Orlando Bloom on the phone is one of the best first date scenes in film. Woah, back up—first date? How was that a first date, one may ask? They just talk on the phone for a long time, after all. Right? WRONG! These are the phone calls during which you really get to know a person. The fact that you are not there with them and cannot physically see them causes your other senses (and your imagination) to stand at attention. How does their voice sound? What does it sound like they are doing? It ends up being a window into these little details that we would normally take for granted. Drew (Bloom) and Claire (Dunst) talk for hours, and hours, with no signs of stopping, or wanting to stop. They even fall asleep while on the phone with each other. They are talking to each other the entire time they are driving to meet up, and even up until they are two feet apart. Now come on—we’ve all had phone calls like this. OK, so we don’t all drive and meet up with each other and get to see a southern sunrise, but remember, these are movies we are talking about here. Even still, after all the great conversation and the beautiful surroundings, Drew and Claire just part ways. When would have been the better time to seal the deal, if you don’t mind me asking?

Claire: Do you ever just think I’m fooling everybody?
Drew: You have no idea.

8. Little Children (2006)

This one is pretty disturbing, but I can’t go without mentioning it. Jackie Earle Haley plays Ronnie McGorvey, a convicted child molester who has recently been released from prison. Living with his mother, he is encouraged by her to meet people and go on dates. Instead, he spends most of his time scaring people out of the public pool, slithering around underwater with his goggles/snorkel combo. But Mon’s persuasions increase, and eventually Ronnie ends up going on a date with Sheila (Jane Adams). As the two begin to talk over dinner, some common ground is reached, and Sheila seems to think he is “nicer” than most of the guys she dates. Ronnie, too, seems to lighten up a little, even attempting to inject some humor into the conversation. Things continue to seem smoother and smoother on the drive home, and when Ronnie asks Sheila to pull the car over, one almost wants to entertain a notion that he is going to grab and kiss her, and the two will live happily ever after. But, Ronnie’s motives are more complicated than that—let’s just say he is less excited about her than he is about the kid’s playground off to his left. Man, there’s an awkward drive home.

Mom: There are four columns of lonely women in here, and only one of lonely men. The odds are on our side. Now why wouldn’t any of these women want to meet a nice person like you?
Ronnie McGorvey: I’m not a nice person.

7. The Cable Guy (1996)

For a movie that represents the early film careers of the likes of Ben Stiller, Jack Black, Owen Wilson, David Cross, Bob Odenkirk, and a score of others, “The Cable Guy” is pretty underappreciated. It may be kind of an obvious satire, but it still works—Chip (Jim Carrey), raised in front of the television, has spent his life assuming several different identities and posing as a Cable Guy, offering free cable to win friends. When he meets Steven (Matthew Broderick), something snaps, and Chip is convinced the two should be buddies. This leads to one of the great date scenes in the movie, which is actually a man-date—when Chip takes Steven to Medieval Times. Topped off with early bit parts from Janeane Garofalo as a “serving wench” (“There was no silverware in Medieval Times, hence there is no silverware at Medieval Times; would you like a refill on that Pepsi?”) and Andy Dick as the head knight (“Dude, get on the friggin’ horse!”), the scene builds to a hilarious duel between the two characters, in which Steven unwittingly pulls most of his energies from his frustrations with Chip. It’s a great performance from Broderick, who is running in fear of his life one moment, and attacking Chip with brute force in the next. Of course, the two end up kind of bonding, even though Chip still makes Steven uncomfortable. Chip’s attempts to win Steven’s trust eventually lead him to a restaurant where Steven’s ex-girlfriend Robin (Leslie Mann) is on a date with a hilariously jock-y Owen Wilson. When Wilson excuses himself to use the bathroom, Chip is waiting for him, disguised as a bathroom attendant. Chip then proceeds to physically assault Wilson in what has to be the most brutally funny bathroom beating ever. I still laugh hysterically every time Chip forces Wilson’s mouth around the hand dryer spout and says “You know, you really remind me of Dizzy Gillespie!”

Robin’s Date (Owen Wilson): [signaling the waiter] Excuse me, excuse me, pardon me, pardon me, pardon me, hey what’s the story with our chicken, man? Have the eggs had a chance to hatch yet? Maybe you can go check on it for me, my friend, if it’s not too much trouble for you. [the waiter walks away] Okay, I’m sorry to put you out. [Turns to Robin] See the attitude?

6. Freddy Got Fingered (2001)

Whether or not you like Tom Green or are moved by his humor, there’s a good chance you know about bits like “The Backwards Man” and “Daddy Would You Like Some Sausage?” But there is so much more to “Freddy Got Fingered.” Perhaps one of the most squeamish scenes in history, this date scene from Tom Green’s faux-art film is all at once brutal, hilarious, and completely original. As one of the two scenes that inspired this list, it really pushes the limits of not only where a movie can go, but where a date can go. Self-appointed loser Gordy (Green), in a previous scene, is found trying on one of his dad’s suits by his father, Jim (a hilarious Rip Torn). Gordy tells Jim he has received “a job at a computer company”, and that he also needs to borrow $50 so he can buy the necessary supplies—like, you know, “some pens, and that little thing that helps you draw a perfect circle.” Ecstatic, Jim tells Gordy to “take $100”, and later on takes his wife Julie (Julie Hagerty) out for dinner to celebrate. It isn’t long before Jim notices Gordy and his wheelchair-bound girlfriend Betty (the beautiful Marisa Coughlan) sitting at a nearby table, while Gordy is making a ruckus on a cordless phone he took from his father’s kitchen (“You’re fucking fired, Bob!”). The hilarity that ensues is beyond explanation, the kind that only Green could create for us. Later on, he canes her legs at her request. Green uses his movie to laugh at his audience (which explains why people hated it so much), and that’s pretty funny in itself. In the end, you’ll either love it to death, or want to kill yourself for watching it.

Jim: Wait a minute… You’re crippled.
Gord: Dad…
Betty: What?
Gord: Dad…
Betty: You got a problem with my legs?
Jim: No, you got a problem with your legs. It’s either that, or you’re just lazy.

5. Clerks (1994)

I had to cheat with this one a little bit, because the date itself never actually happens. But, I believe enough of it happened to put it on this list. Convenience store clerk Dante (Brian O’Halloran) finally meets up with ex-girlfriend Caitlin (Lisa Spoonhauer) after whining about her all day long, and she’s actually excited to see him. They talk about old times, and half-jokingly, Dante asks her out on one of his “famous dinner-and-a-movie dates”. Caitlin says yes, and the two get excited, like they seem to be getting those new-relationship-jitters for each other all over again. They agree to go home, get dolled up, and meet back at the convenience store. Caitlin returns before Dante, and decides to use the Quick Stop’s bathroom while she waits … seriously, has anyone not seen “Clerks”? SPOILER ALERT: She ends up screwing a dead guy that had died while masturbating in the bathroom earlier in the day (Dante gave him the porno mag!). By the time Dante returns, it’s too late—Caitlin is so traumatized she can’t even speak. But, wouldn’t it be more traumatizing to be cock-blocked by a dead guy? Poor Dante—he never did catch a break.

Dante: Call the police!
Caitlin: No, don’t!
Randal: Why?
Dante: Because there’s a stranger in our bathroom and he just raped Caitlin!
Randal: She said she did all the work.

4. Punch-Drunk Love (2002)

The other film that that inspired this list, “Punch-Drunk Love” is the under-appreciated gem of the PTA catalog. Not like he is cast against type here, but Adam Sandler’s performance presents a remarkable restraint that shows us he can actually act. This makes his character, the extremely passive-aggressive (and that’s putting it lightly) Barry Egan, completely unlike his various other one-note comedy vehicles, which no doubt confused the large portion of the film’s audience who were expecting to see gay and fart jokes. Paul Thomas Anderson wrote the part especially for Sandler, and at no moment is it easier to see why than the infamous bathroom scene. Struggling to become his own man in the presence of his nine overbearing (and that’s putting it lightly) older sisters, Barry spends most of his time running his business of bathroom appliances and uncovering errors in sweepstakes programs for potential financial gain. Years of being mercilessly berated by his sisters has led to much repressed anger, causing him to feel the need to lie about everything. One of his sisters fixes him up with Lena (Emily Watson), who is super cute, and Barry takes her to a nice restaurant one evening. For awhile, things go splendidly—there is eye contact, and Barry actually makes a joke! But the inevitable mention of Barry’s erratic behavior (in this case involving the throwing of a hammer through a boat) and his sisters’ childhood exploits of him prove too much for him to take, and he excuses himself to the bathroom. Upon entering, he proceeds to beat the living piss out of it—the trash can, both stall doors, and the soap dispenser (oddly, the object he has the most trouble destroying) all get taken down. It’s the oddest, funniest moment in a wonderful little movie full of odd and funny moments, but it only gets better once the Restaurant Manager realizes it is Barry who has smashed up the bathroom:

Restaurant Manager: Sir, the bathroom was just torn apart.
Barry Egan: Um, yeah.
Restaurant Manager: Did you do it?
Barry Egan: No.
Restaurant Manager: You didn’t just smash up the bathroom?
Barry Egan: No.
Restaurant Manager: Well, who did?
Barry Egan: I dunno.
Restaurant Manager: Sir, your hand is bleeding.
Barry Egan: I cut myself.
Restaurant Manager: How?
Barry Egan: On my knife. (Silence.) What?
Restaurant Manager: Sir, your hand is bleeding.
Barry Egan: I know.
Restaurant Manager: I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
Barry Egan: Yeah, but I didn’t do anything.
Restaurant Manager: Sir, I’ve got no way to prove that you smashed up the bathroom—
Barry Egan: I didn’t do that. I didn’t.
Restaurant Manager: Look, I’m gonna have to ask you to go.
Barry Egan: OK. I didn’t—
Restaurant Manager: I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.
Barry Egan: Alright, please don’t do this to me.
Restaurant Manager: Sir, I’m gonna call the police.
Barry Egan: Alright. Can I just stay?
Restaurant Manager: Sir, I’m gonna crack your fuckin’ head open. Get outta here.

3. Say Anything (1989)

Cameron Crowe again! I’m telling you, the man knows relationships. I don’t just mean romantic ones, either; in fact, he is one of the best writers out there when it comes to pinpointing those subtle differences between friends, family, and lovers. Of course, we all know “Say Anything” is romantically oriented, but family relationships are a huge part of the film as well. Case in point—the scene where Lloyd (John Cusack) visits the home of his interest Diane (Ionne Skye) and her father James (John Mahoney) to have dinner with them and some of James’ friends and business associates. Some would argue that this is not technically a date, but I beg to differ—meeting parents is a huge part of the courting process, not to mention the fact that trying to impress them can be almost or just as complicated as trying to impress a love interest. It doesn’t seem to be a matter for Lloyd in this scene, however. He obviously wants the approval of Diane’s father, but his seemingly misplaced confidence becomes something more of an awkward assuredness as he begins to describe what he would like to do with his life. The answer he gives has become the quintessential response of all the other Lloyd Doblers and Ben Braddocks in the world, all those college grads out there who are constantly bombarded with this question. At some point in the scene, it becomes clear to us that Lloyd believes no one will ever be able to love Diane as much as he. Even with all the blank and disappointed stares coming from James and his guests, it comes across beautifully.

Lloyd Dobler: I don’t want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don’t want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don’t want to do that.

2. Sideways (2004)

Miles (an amazing Paul Giamatti) lives in the past, and his friend Jack (a likewise Thomas Haden Church) is constantly trying to yank him out of it, which is one of the many motives behind this little double-date scene in Alexander Payne’s classic. The memorable moments are almost too many to count—even the very first conversation outside the restaurant is priceless. What we get from there are peaks and valleys that go ever higher and ever deeper. Things seem to be going good for the two couples at first—Jack tries noticeably harder than Miles to keep the women engaged, but the fervent smiling and eye contact from beautiful Maya (Virginia Madsen) is not lost on Miles. Soon, however, Miles’ drunkenness gets the better of him, which leads him like a marionette to a pay phone in the back, and to one of the most painfully awkward drunk-dials in film. Seriously, any moment where you are blasted and calling your ex-wife is not a good one, and it makes Miles seem like even more of a hopeless case. But it also makes us feel for him, and in the end, his actions are those that require some balls. The date doesn’t end there, but it pretty much does for Miles—which is sad, because we know he wants to hit that.

Jack: Do not drink too much. Do you hear me? I don’t want you passing out or going to the dark side. No going to the dark side!
Miles: Okay!

Jack: If they want to drink Merlot, we’re drinking Merlot.
Miles: No, if anyone orders Merlot, I’m leaving. I am NOT drinking any fucking Merlot!

1. Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)

Does it really surprise you that Cameron Crowe has three entries on this list? (Crowe wrote the screenplay, but Amy Heckerling directed.) “Fast Times” is basically a montage of classic date scenes and teen fantasies (I know Phoebe Cates is coming to mind for some of you, as she damn well should.). There is one date scene that stands out, however, and rings hilariously true in its innocent awkwardness. In the scene previous to the first date between nerdy Mark Ratner (Brian Backer) and hottie Stacy Hamilton (Jennifer Jason Leigh), Ratner’s buddy Mike Damone (Robert Romanus) gives him a few pointers. “When it comes down to makin’ out,” Damone says, “put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.” The next thing we hear, as Ratner drives with Stacy in the passenger seat, is the intro to “Kashmir”. Not only does Rat put it on at the wrong time—he puts on the wrong album entirely! These details and many more help this spot-on examination of awkward first dates, wonderfully realized by Cameron Crowe in his first screenplay. Halfway through dinner, Rat notices he has forgotten his wallet and has no way to pay for the meal. He decides to call on his buddy Damone to bring it to the restaurant, which Damone is wary of doing at first. (Though Damone’s reluctance to help Rat in his time of need should be considered foreshadowing, Ratner should not have called him in the first place, as it turns out to be nothing more than an invitation to cock-block.) Of course, while Rat is waiting for his wallet, he has to stall the date a bit, which he does simply by ordering more food and drinks. Soon, the couple’s table is full of restaurant debris, and Stacy looks shocked when Rat orders two more Cokes—right as Damone shows up to save the day! After narrowly escaping that predicament, Rat gets a piece of good news—Stacy’s parents happen to be out of town (her parents never seem to be home, in fact). She invites Rat to come inside, but he is too nervous to fire her up. He makes some excuse and says he has to go, leaving Stacy looking confused and unfulfilled. Through Rat, Cameron Crowe has given us something very valuable—an amazingly accurate blueprint of what NOT to do on a first date.

Mike Damone: I can see it all now, this is gonna be just like last summer. You fell in love with that girl at the Fotomat, you bought forty dollars worth of fuckin’ film, and you never even talked to her. You don’t even own a camera.

Tags: bad, best, classic, couples, dates, film, movies, romantic, scenes, Top 10 Unorthodox Date Scenes, Top ten Unorthodox Date Scenes, Worst

Obviously, we here at Scene-Stealers are obsessed with lists. Today we have a list from Lawrence, KS resident and sitegoer Blake Scott, a man who follows the cultural zeitgeist of movie lists closely and has now entered the hotly contested area of movie lists with one of his own, which is sure to ruffle a few feathers. If you have an idea for a Top 10 movie-related list of your own, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com. We’ve had tons of great user-submitted lists and they keep rolling on in. This one is a real doozy. Enjoy Blake’s list of the 10 most overrated films of all time. But first, his …

Honorable Mentions: A Beautiful Mind, Forrest Gump, Castaway, Gladiator, Little Miss Sunshine, West Side Story, Star Wars, The Wizard of Oz, Tootsie, Caddyshack

10. Citizen Kane (1943)

OK…I know what you’re thinking, but hear me out. Orson Welles’ “Citizen Kane” has become so entrenched as the greatest movie ever made that it’s hallowed status has begun to squelch all debate. It has been atop Sight and Sound magazine’s greatest movies list for nearly 50 years, and every critical list of greatest films I’ve ever seen (which is a lot) has placed it number one, except for the Entertainment Weekly list, on which it was number two. Here’s the deal: Maybe “Kane”is the greatest, and it is certainly a cinematic achievement. But to say so unequivocally—nearly to the point of ridicule for anyone who disagrees (which seems to now be the case)—warrants a labeling of … overrated.

9. The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

Now that I’ve thoroughly alienated every film student or filmmaker within earshot (or rather eyeshot, I suppose), I may as well adjust my sights and alienate everyone else. Frank Darabont’s “The Shawshank Redemption” is a perpetual fixture at the top of the IMDb Top 250. That means that IMDb users (who are by and large reasonable movie fans) have anointed this movie to be better than “The Godfather,” better than “Casablanca,” better than Fellini’s “8 ½,” better than “Pulp Fiction,” better than … well anything. This leads me to assume that because no one hates this movie (as opposed to, say, “Dr. Strangelove” or “2001: A Space Odyssey” which some less cinematically inclined people may despise), the votes are skewed toward the middle of the road. And the middle of the road, of course, is where overrating runs rampant. Oh and one more thing—you really didn’t see that ending coming? Really?

8. Crash (2004)

I, for one, am still rankled that “Brokeback Mountain” didn’t win Best Picture. It was a way better movie and got it definitely got slighted. But even aside from that fact, “Crash” did not deserve the accolades it received, especially that most prestigious one, the Academy’s Best Picture trophy. It dealt with an important topic (racism) that had already been dealt with in smarter, more subtle, and more believable ways years before (see “Do the Right Thing” and probably ten other movies from more than a decade ago). It was preachy, and the whole “it’s a coincidence” rationale should not exempt the writer/director Paul Haggis from having to write a plot that makes sense. And you know what, I’ll just say it. This movie just wasn’t that good. And now we all have the spin-off show on Starz to look forward to? I mean why not make a crappy 2 hour film into a crappy 30-hour series? I sure it makes sense in Hollywood. At least we’ll have Dennis Hopper there to console us.

7. The Sixth Sense (1999)

Here is a movie that relies so strongly on a gimmick (oh I’m sorry … a twist) that it is amazing that the film is still even relevant to mention today. It is an OK movie, with OK acting and OK direction. The plot is mildly spooky, but certainly not terrifying in the way that “The Exorcist” or “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” are. Yet somehow it managed to spawn dozens of rip-offs, and catapult its director, M. Night Shyamalan, into a stardom that has now lasted many years past his prime (alright, I did like “Unbreakable,” but “The Village” was unforgivable and that was how many movies ago already? Two? Three? Whatever). Now it is starting to be considered a staple of the horror genre, even squeaking onto 2007’s AFI greatest American films list, and is mentioned in the same breath with “Psycho” (which to me is a laughable comparison). Why not just give all “The Sixth Sense”’s credit to “The Blair Witch Project”? It was just as influential and just as much a 90s staple, and at least that movie made me feel something … It was mostly nausea, but at least it was something.

6. Braveheart (1995)

Perhaps I lack whatever testosterone mechanism gets people fired up about movies like this and “Gladiator” and “300.” Or perhaps I just forgot about the subtle melancholic undercurrent of the early love story in the feigned bombast of the latter part of the film. Or maybe I just grew out of my teenage proclivity for public torture and castration. Whatever it was, I now fail to see a Best Picture winner or a box-office smash in this melodramatic lump of a film. If you gave me the choice between watching this movie again and spending the equivalent amount of time being flogged in a medieval galley, I might not pick the flogging… but I’d have to think about it for a minute. So remember—Mel Gibson may take a three-hour stretch of our lives, but he’ll never take our freedom to point out to our more gullible friends that this is a crappy movie.

5. E.T.: The Extra Terrestrial (1982)

Everyone has a film that is so nostalgically ingrained in their childhood that the very mention
that it may not be a great film must be thrown down and put to the sword at once. For me, that movie is “Star Wars” (or more precisely, “The Empire Strikes Back”). “E.T.”, sadly, is that movie for many people. To everyone else, “E.T.” comes with a mandate that you must pretend it is a great movie to satisfy your girlfriend’s (or boyfriend’s) repressed six-year-old ego. There are movies that I loved when I was young (“Crocodile Dundee” springs to mind) that were not terrible, but certainly aren’t classics, that no one has ever forced me—against my will—to laud. That “not classic” category is where I would file “E.T.” But because it was directed by Stephen Spielberg, the “E.T.” nostalgia-tinted militia has been given unfair ammunition. I might make my significant other watch “Better Off Dead” or even “The Dark Crystal,” but if she doesn’t like them, she’ll never be accused of sucking the magic and color out of my childhood dreams. When I watch “E.T.,” I see a weirdly phallic muppet hanging out for two hours with Drew Barrymore and the guy from “Legends of the Fall.” So I’m here to set the record straight: “Jaws” is a great movie, “Schindler’s List” is a great movie, “Raiders of the Lost Ark” is a great movie, and “E.T.” is a good movie—for kids. If you are simply unable to accept this entry, however, please reread this segment and replace every instance of “E.T.” with “Star Wars.” But just remember, “Star Wars” is way more awesome.

4. Animal House (1978)

Comedies are funny things (and by funny in this case I mean odd, because of course they are humorous … or try to be anyway; but I digress). When the movie is over, you tend to only remember the funny parts. Which in the case of John Landis’ “Animal House” is about 30 minutes of its 109-minute running time. Sure, the toga scene has its moments, and the whole zit joke was classic, but there is like an hour and 45 minutes lost in there somewhere, and frankly, when I watch that movie sober and sans drinking buddies … I’m (gasp!) bored. And we’re talking about a movie here that is often compared to “The Producers” and “Airplane!” and called one of the funniest comedies ever made. My advice: If you want to watch this movie again, put it on and watch the first fifteen minutes or so, then doze on and off for an hour then wake up to watch the end … Or you can just put on “PCU,” it’s the same movie, but as I recall, there are at least a few chuckles in the middle hour.

3. M*A*S*H (1970)

I like Robert Altman. “Short Cuts,” “Nashville,” and “McCabe & Mrs. Miller” are all great. But “M*A*S*H” is considered perhaps his best, and is beloved nearly 40 years after its release. And it is beloved because of its … sound editing? Because it has a groundbreaking football segment at the end? Because Donald Sutherland is so … uhh … memorable as Hawkeye? No. We remember this movie because of the TV show spin-off that eventually became one of the most popular series of all time. If it were not for the TV show, this film would be considered a promising but undeveloped early work in the career of a great director. I imagine the people who love this movie also love “The Bourne Ultimatum” for its sound, “The Longest Yard” for it’s great use of football in film, “Dr. T and the Women” because Robert Altman directed it, and the movie “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” because Donald Sutherland is so awesome. If not, then maybe “M*A*S*H” isn’t such a great movie either. And by the way, the only people who care about sound editing are sound editors.

2. Scarface (1983)

Here is a prime example of a film that has achieved classic status for exactly the wrong reasons. De Palma’s three-hour gangster epic has come to represent the exaltation and idolization of the drug-dealing criminal lifestyle, when it is really the story of a sociopath who is eventually violently destroyed because of his own hubris and criminal antisocial tendencies. It is overrated in the public moviegoing audience because this message is misunderstood (or ignored), but it is also overrated by the critical audience. This is a disjointed, overlong, over-violent, badly edited movie … admittedly with a kick-ass funky soundtrack. And it has become the fashionable product for movie posters, clothing, and all number of spin-off merchandise. It pops up periodically on lists of great films including Ebert’s Great Movies, and EW’s New Classics list. Al Pacino is sporadically good as Tony Montana, and director Brian De Palma tries to do some interesting things, but it is hard to tell why this film has become a cultural, let alone cinematic, legend.

1. Titanic (1997)

There has been some backlash against James Cameron’s “Titanic” in the last few years, but here are the facts: EW recently named the movie number three on their list of new classic movies (It was behind only “Pulp Fiction” and “Lord of the Rings” for the greatest film of the last 25 years), it won 11 Oscars including Best Picture and Best Director, it made the last half of AFI’s Top 100 movies, and it remains to this day the highest-grossing film in recorded box-office history. But what is “Titanic” really? It is a film whose entire success is based on the hormonal imbalance of millions of 12 and 13-year-old American girls. Had this demographic not fallen in love with heartthrob Leonardo DiCaprio in the lead role, the movie would have had few repeat viewings and would never have generated the capital to become a cultural phenomenon. And as a result would have never swept the Oscars (because Oscar loves nothing better than a cultural phenomenon: see “Forrest Gump” beating out both “Shawshank” and “Pulp Fiction” for Best Picture and Best Director), and the movie would now be a footnote in annals of Billboard magazine’s most popular movie soundtracks. The film is waaaayyy too long, has a foregone conclusion, a pat, melodramatic storyline, mediocre special effects, some stilted acting, and a script so filled with sappy sentimentality that I was compelled to wipe the bottom of my shoes as I left the theater (Yes, I saw it in the theater! Didn’t you?). Given its persistent acclaim and glaring flaws (if you don’t believe me just go watch it again … I dare you), I feel my choice is vindicated. “Titanic” is the most overrated movie of all time.

In the graphic novel “Watchmen,” what is the first name of the kid who is reading “Tales of the Black Freighter”?

Tags: 10, all, bad, citizen kane, classic, films, movies, new, of, overrated, redemption, scarface, shawshank, sucks, ten, time, titanic, top