Robert Zemeckis has helmed his share of modern classics. “Disney’s A Christmas Carol” is not one of them.

There’s so much in the film rife with potential and I frequently caught glimpses of what it could have been. But, sadly, it just didn’t amount to much.
For one thing, it’s operating at cross-purposes. The contents of the story as well as the vernacular employed throughout are not child-accessible. And you know what? I appreciate that. It’s consistent with Dickens’ tale of a man being haunted by various spectres on Christmas Eve that essentially frighten him into festive compliance.

But that serious narrative approach winds up being completely undermined by the visual and sonic strategy, which is, apparently, “more is more.” More shrieks. More thuds. More bright lights. More flying, swirling, twirling scenes. More falling from great heights. More chases. All that time spent assaulting us could have been used to build up necessary emotion.

Jim Carrey is a perfect fit for this material. He plays Ebenezer Scrooge at every stage of his life exceedingly well and the motion-capture is startlingly realistic at times. And I was pleasantly surprised when it occurred to me that Gary Oldman was the man imbuing Cratchit with all that neurotic humility.

However, in Carrey’s case, Scrooge becomes nothing more than a rag doll to be thrown around and dropped on his head and chased through city streets. Instead of being invested or amused, I spent most of my time wondering how a man his age could endure such tremendous physical strain. How about a subdued optical and aural experience to leave room for some Christmas spirit?

All this begs the question: Who exactly was this supposed to appeal to? Certainly not adults. For us, it’s akin to seeing your favorite uncle drink too much at a wedding and embarrass himself on the dance floor. For kids, it’s a gloomy, frightening experience fraught with purposeless eye candy (one family at my screening actually left within the first half hour because their kid got spooked).

The people that were apprehensive about “Where the Wild Things” because it was a bit despairing are the same people that are going to come out in droves to see this thing. And that’s really disappointing. “Where the Wild Things Are” was profusely soulful and heartfelt and honest. Whatever was dark or scary about it had its roots in a very authentic place. This behemoth, on the contrary, has all the emotional honesty of an elaborate fireworks display.

Look, I know it’s a 3D flick. I saw it IMAX and was as unimpressed by 3D as I’ve ever been. Dare I say that Charles Dickens wasn’t the right authorial choice for a big-budget Disney adaptation to be shot in 3D and play on IMAX screens? Zemeckis directed “Forrest Gump.” You’re telling me he couldn’t have made a delightful live-action version of this?

I actively wanted to like this movie. It certainly has some qualities. The themes are intact and the recreation of mid-19th century London is really captivating. Also, the animated characters are extremely expressive. But, again, why did they have to be animated in the first place? The only justification for that is the visual freedom permitted by animation, but that freedom is utilized in such a way that it robs the tale of its spirit almost entirely.

I’m a sentimental pushover and it doesn’t take a lot to put me in the Christmas spirit. This film didn’t. For all its sound and fury, it’s pretty forgettable.

Tags: 2009, 3-D, 3D, carol, carrey, christmas, christmas carol, jim, zemeckis

This weekend, the new James Bond film “Quantum of Solace” raked in a huge take of $67 million in America alone. For Scene-Stealers sitegoer Will Dawson, this is very exciting. He’s got a lot of favorite Bond movies, but has instead, for us he decided to create a list of the top 10 worst James Bond films from the franchise’s 46 years. Some of these movies, says Will, have their moments, but for the most part these are the Bond movies that there are just no excuses for. And he didn’t even include Timothy Dalton! I smell some controversy … If you have an idea for your own Top 10 list you’d like to submit, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com! Will’s list starts now:

10. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969)

The problem with this movie isn’t that the storyline or the supporting cast is bad, in fact, that is far from it. The story and the action sequences are actually some of the better ones in the entire series. Diana Rigg is a very intriguing Bond girl and Telly Savalas had probably the best characterization of villain Blofeld in the entire James Bond franchise. The film’s only problem can be surmised in two words: George Lazenby. The one-time only Bond’s acting is so wooden and unbelievable that you keep hoping Sean Connery is going to come in and save the day, but he doesn’t, leaving us with the mess that is Lazenby. Surprisingly, Lazenby wasn’t fired by the producers. He quit the role, claiming that Bond would become something of anti-authority figure for the Vietnam generation.

9. The World Is Not Enough (1999)

The third in the Pierce Brosnan Bond series suffers from not enough memorable moments. Robert Carlyle (one of my favorite actors) is used ineffectively as the villain, and although Sophie Marceau is pretty seductive as the other villain, it is Denise Richards who provides the film’s only memorable moments. (And by memorable, I mean extremely annoying!) She is Dr. Christmas Jones. Richards has not only has the worst Bond-girl name in the history of the franchise, but she is also one of the worst actresses to portray a Bond girl. Instead of coming off as sexy and stylish, she comes off trashy and bitchy. Unfortunately, this isn’t the only time an actress’ performance as a Bond girl has had mixed results at best. Really bad Bond pun:

Bond: “I’ve always wanted to have Christmas in Turkey.”

8. Diamonds Are Forever (1971)

After Lazenby left the role, Sean Connery returned as 007 in this over-the-top outing that has a ridiculous plot, annoying Bond girls, and very bizarre villains. The plot of the film revolves around Blofeld (played this time by Charles Gray of “Rocky Horror Picture Show” fame) trying to put diamonds in his laser beam to destroy the world. Jill St. John is Tiffany Case, who is not only Denise Richards-annoying, but also has absolutely no chemistry with Sean Connery. Connery also seems to be bored in the role that made him a star; it’s probably a good thing that he took the money and ran. Note the strange homosexual underscores between the two Bond henchmen, Mr. Kidd and Mr. Wint. Here is an example:

Mr. Kidd: Well, they’re both aboard, and I must say Miss Case seems quite attractive… [Mr. Wint glares at him]
Mr. Kidd: …For a lady. [pause]
Mr. Kidd: Heh heh heh heh!

7. Live and Let Die (1973)

The first Roger Moore movie on this list and certainly not the last, “Live and Let Die” combines plot elements taken from blaxpoitation phenomenon “Shaft” and southern-hick TV comedies like “Hee Haw”. The stunts are unrealistic even for a Bond flick (In one scene, Bond escapes by jumping on top of crocodiles!), and there are definite racial overtones and stereotypes (The villains are all black and Bond has to save a white woman from the clutches of the evil black men). Another horrible thing about this film was the introduction of Sheriff J.W. Pepper, a character that was created possibly to make the Bond series “less British,” which means “less snobby” in the eyes of American audiences. On the plus side, Jane Seymour (Oh, Dr. Quinn!) is incredibly hot as Solitaire and Paul McCartney’s theme song is pretty sweet.

6. Octopussy (1983)

This is the worst titled Bond movie of all time. In the film, Bond (Moore again) travels to India and encounters the title character on a manmade island where she trains women in “business.” I’m uncertain what follows next because the only thing I can remember are the numerous double entendres as Bond makes references to Octopussy’s name and wonders how she got it (According to her, it was because she had a fondness for octopi). Anyway, Maud Adams, who portrays our title heroine, is too stiff and lacks the vital chemistry with Moore that is needed in a Bond Film. However, this is Homer Simpson’s favorite James Bond movie as evidenced in this line from “The Simpsons”:

“You know what I like from you Brits, Octopussy. I must have seen that movie [pause]….twice.”

5. A View To A Kill (1985)

Moore’s last outing as Bond is just as difficult to watch today as it probably was back then (It came out two years before I was born.) From the out-of-place Duran Duran title song, to the final scene atop San Franciso’s Golden Gate Bridge, this movie is one giant mess. It certainly doesn’t help matters that Moore was pushing 60 around the time he was making this movie and looks out of shape and out of place as our hero. Christopher Walken is miscast as Max Zornin, a supposed Nazi superchild-turned-trained KGB agent. The convoluted plot revolves around trying to destroy Silicon Valley. And then there’s Grace Jones. Moore, not surprisingly, later regretted to having taken part in the production at all.

4. The Man With The Golden Gun (1974)

Britt Ekland as the most obnoxious Bond Girl? Check. A villian with three nipples? Check. Hervé Villechaize (who you may know better as Tattoo from TV’s “Fantasy Island”)? Check. The reappearance of the obnoxious J.W. Pepper from “Live and Let Die”? Checkmate. This is a desperate and bad Bond movie. Moore’s second outing as Bond is so strange that I really don’t know what to think of it. On the one hand, it is unintentionally hilarious. On the other hand, it’s so damned weird. Just thinking about Christopher Lee taking off his shirt and revealing his third nipple makes me cringe. And seriously, “the Plane!! the Plane!” guy from “Fantasy Island” as a Bond henchman? What the hell?

3. Moonraker (1979)

Alright, I know it seems that I’m knocking Roger Moore unfairly, but I’m not. It just so happens that the majority of Bond Films that Moore were in were extremely corny and unbelievable, and this definitely is the most unbelievable of them all. Trying to cash in on the “Star Wars” phenomenon, the producers decided to put Bond in space, with horrible results. From meeting Lois Chiles, who portrays Dr. Holly Goodhead as though she’s merely reading her lines, to a battle between U.S. Space Marines and Hugo Drax’s henchmen, this movie is another great travesty in the history of Bond movies. Not even the reappearance of Jaws (Richard Kiel) from 1977’s “The Spy Who Loved Me” could save this movie from the cheesiness that characterized Moore’s absolute worst outing as Bond.

2. You Only Live Twice (1967)

This is my least favorite of the Connery Bond films mostly because this Bond film is the first bad movie in the series. There is too much gadgetry that serves no point, the Bond girls are completely unmemorable, and the plot involving Blofeld (this time played by Donald Pleasance of “The Great Escape” and “Halloween” fame) trying to use his laser to bring about world destruction is ridiculous. However, not any of these moments can compare to the one where Bond has to undergo plastic surgery to look like a Japanese local. Not only does Connery not even remotely resemble a Japanese person, but he also comes across as a dumb stereotypical Caucasian male trying to impersonate a person of Asian descent. Offensive? Oh, yeah. However, this was only the worst Bond movie until…

1. Die Another Day (2002)

From Madonna’s horrible title song, to Halle Berry’s messy performance as Jinx (Berry supposedly was to get her own franchise after “Die Another Day” was completed!), this movie is one giant stinking pile of shit. If you want to talk about all the things that are wrong about James Bond movies—well here they all are. Awful villains (including a man who has a diamond-incrusted forehead), an over-reliance on CGI (a car chase in a melting ice hotel), blatant product placement (including one close-up of a Norelco electric razor), and badly misused actors (examples include Pierce Brosnan as Bond, Michael Madsen as a Felix Leiter knockoff, and Madonna’s horrible two-minute cameo as—get this—a fencing instructor) make this the dismally worst one in the series. The good thing that came out of this crapfest was the complete reboot of the franchise— a new version of “Casino Royale” with Daniel Craig. This is also the last appearance of M’s secretary Miss Moneypenney, whose constant flirtatious tension with Bond was a regular feature of most Bond films. In “Die Another Day,” she is seduced by Bond … by way of virtual-reality glasses. How horrible. Truly a new low.

Tags: 10, adams, awful, bad, blofeld, bond, brosnan, christmas, connery, denise, diana, george, girls, grace, james, Jaws, jinx, jones, kiel, lazenby, maud, moneypenney, moore, movies, pierce, pleasance, richards, rigg, roger, savalas, sean, sucky, ten, terrible, top, Worst

Top Ten Tuesday is here and so is the holiday season. But, as usual, we’ve got something a bit different for you. Christmas is such an emotional time of the year that it serves filmmakers well. Whether you’re celebrating the joy of Christmas or wallowing in self-pity at a holiday spent alone, there is so much already wrapped up (no pun intended) in this time of the year that it can echo the most excitement or the bluest melancholy in the wink of an eye. None of these films are considered Christmas movies, but each one of them features an important moment in the life of a character during that holiest of holidays. So grab some egg nog and enjoy this list of fantastic Christmas scenes! (Next week get ready for some more non-traditional Christmas fun.)

10. The Matador (2005)

Julian Noble (Pierce Brosnan) is a hitman having a hilariously petty midlife crisis. When he shows up at the house of businessman Danny Wright (Greg Kinnear) during Christmas to beg for his help, it is obvious Danny will take some convincing, so the slimy smooth-operator charms Danny’s wife with his inappropriate wit, and dances with her by the Christmas tree. This dark comedy has a lot to explain about Mexico City and what went on earlier that summer between the two, but one unexpected theme does come to light—welcoming an unwanted and desperate visitor into your home, even a sad little person like Brosnan’s mustachioed has-been. Writer/director Richard Shepard finds humor and pathos in the most peculiar places, and this is one peculiar movie worth checking out. Christmas time is the perfect setting to garner a little sympathy, even for a bastard like Julian.

Danny Wright: [discussing possible escape routes] That door over there, if it weren’t locked.
Julian Noble: A Vietnamese girl I once knew had her legs so locked together I couldn’t get a whiff of her spring roll. Two drinks, half a Quaalude later, I was at an all you can eat buffet. Every lock can be broken. It’s just a matter of will and whether it’s worth it.

9. Catch Me If You Can (2002)

Two key moments in Steven Spielberg’s breezy movie about young con artist Frank Abagnale, Jr. (Leonardo DiCaprio) who is pursued by determined FBI agent Carl Hanratty (Tom Hanks) take place on Christmas. The first happens when Frank calls Carl to apologize for fooling the lawman after a particularly close call. At first, Carl is annoyed. Realizing that its Christmas, however, the agent realizes Frank may be “living the life,” but a fugitive like him has no one to talk to on Christmas Day. The second Christmas moment comes late in the film, when the two meet again at a print shop in France, but this time Carl has the upper hand and fools Frank into coming outside by telling him that the police have the place surrounded when they haven’t even shown up yet. The film feels a little long, but the moments that work make for some spectacular entertainment.

Frank Abagnale, Jr.: Carl? Carl! Merry Christmas! How is it we’re always talking on Christmas, Carl? Every Christmas, I’m talking to you! [laughs]
Carl Hanratty: Put your shirt on, Frank. You’re under arrest.

8. Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life (1983)

When you die and go to Heaven, maybe it will be Christmas every day—where women wearing plastic breasts and dressed in sexy Santa outfits dance behind a gleaming-toothed lounge singer at an uber-cheesy Las Vegas-style show. The British comedy troupe’s last film together won the Grand Jury Prize at the 1983 Cannes International Film Festival, and the disturbingly funny song “Christmas in Heaven,” sung by Graham Chapman, is typical of the no-holds-barred kind of surrealist humor that the rest of the film exhibits. All the characters from earlier in the movie are seated in Heaven, watching in wonderment and awe at the monumental shininess of it all. Underscoring the uncomfortable feeling, Chapman’s lips and extravagantly white smile don’t quite seem to match up with the singing. If this is Heaven, I’d hate to see what Hell looks like. To hear the song, click here. 
To watch the scene, just click below and fast-forward to 1:50.

YouTube Direct Start video at 1:50 It’s Christmas in Heaven/ All the children sing/ It’s Christmas in Heaven/ Hark hark those church bells ring./ It’s Christmas in Heaven/ The snow falls from the sky/ But it’s nice and warm and everyone looks smart and wears a tie./ It’s Christmas in Heaven/ There’s great films on TV/ ‘The Sound of Music’ twice an hour/ And ‘Jaws’ I, II, and III.

7. Far From Heaven (2002)

Christmas parties have been known to bring out the best and worst in people. Giving a modern spin to the Douglas Sirk Technicolor weepies of the 1950s, this meticulous Todd Haynes film tackles homosexuality and racism more directly than the melodramas of that era were allowed. At a Christmas party, the first cracks in their flawless veneer start to show when Frank, the perfect husband (Dennis Quaid), is inebriated and belligerent while Cathy, the perfect housewife (Julianne Moore), is chastised by her neighbors for getting too friendly with her black gardener (Dennis Haysbert). On the outside, Mr. and Mrs. Magnatech (named after breadwinner Frank’s TV company) may be the model of affluent suburbia, but societal tragedy lurks just beneath the surface. Frank, it turns out, is a closeted homosexual, and after the party he drunkenly tries to make out with his wife. When he can’t do it, he repeatedly yells out in frustration, “Jesus!” Merry Christmas, indeed.

Stan Fine: [complimenting Cathy] Frank is the luckiest guy in town!
Frank Whitaker: It’s all smoke and mirrors, fellas. That’s all it is. You should see her without her face on.
Doreen: Frank!
Cathy Whitaker: No, he’s absolutely right. We ladies are never what we appear, and every girl has her secrets.

6. Goodfellas (1990) “Frosty the Snowman” by the Ronettes plays over a Christmas party celebrating the pre-dawn robbery at the Lufthansa cargo terminal at Idlewild (now JFK) Airport by Jimmy Conway (Robert DeNiro) and his group of wiseguys. But when the gangsters’ wives start showing up in mink coats and driving hot pink convertibles, they become obvious targets for the police, and he flies off the handle. It’s supposed to be a celebration, but already the walls are crumbling in Martin Scorsese’s 1990 gangster epic. “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)” by Darlene Love plays at the house of Henry Hill (Ray Liotta), where his wife gets a wad of bills for Christmas, and his family enjoys a huge white artificial tree. The good cheer is short-lived. By 1980, it would be replaced by backstabbing and paranoia, as all of the divergent paths of Hill’s complicated Mafia career collide. Scorsese uses the season as foreshadowing in this scene, one of about a hundred virtuoso moments in a film that has found a huge and appreciative audience on home video.

Jimmy: Don’t buy anything. Don’t get anything. Nothing big. Didn’t you hear what I said? You’re going to get us all f–kin’ pinched, that’s why. What are you, stupid?

5. Citizen Kane (1941)

It is a small scene to be sure, but perhaps the most important one in unlocking the famous “Rosebud” mystery of Orson Welles’ masterpiece and one of the greatest films ever made. Sitting in front of the Christmas tree, 8 year-old Charles Foster Kane is given a sled by his new legal guardian, a bank manager in Chicago named Walter Parks Thatcher. The new sled is meant to replace the one he had in Colorado, back with his family. He offers a curt “Merry Christmas” back to Thatcher, and it is clear that this shiny new sled will never take the place of his cherished old one. It may be emblazoned with a medieval knight’s helmet and called the Crusader, but the new gift represents a kind of innocence lost for a young boy whose childhood was robbed. Welles’ movie is overflowing with a complicated, time-shifting narrative and other pioneering techniques that are still used today. If you’ve never seen it or haven’t seen it in a while, Christmas break is a great time to catch up with a classic.

Mr. Thatcher: Why, we’re going to have some fine times together, really we are, Charles. Now, shall we shake hands? [Charles pulls back] Oh, come, come, come, I’m not as frightening as all that, am I? Now, what do you say? Let’s shake.

4. American Psycho (2000)

If Mary Harron’s gruesomely funny movie is a searing indictment of 1980s greed and materialism, then guess what holiday is best suited to one of the funniest scenes in the film? If you said Christmas, then you’ve seen this classic moment (or perhaps the rest of this list.). Wearing furry antlers and sporting a Grinch-like frown, murderous yuppie Patrick Bateman (Christian Bale) is bored by all the festivities. He is all business as he scurries away from his cheery girlfriend Evelyn (Reese Witherspoon) and her Vietnamese pot-bellied pig to talk turkey with a rival. He is the anti-Christ(mas). The scene opens with Bale uttering the hollowest and flat holiday greeting ever: “Hey Hamilton, have a holly jolly Christmas. Is Allen still handling the Fisher account?” Actually, reading it really doesn’t do the scene justice. Why not watch it now?

Evelyn: Stop scowling Patrick, you’re such a Grinch. What does Mr. Grinch want for Christmas? And don’t say breast implants again.

YouTube Direct Patrick Bateman loves Christmas

3. The Apartment (1960)

In writer/director/producer Billy Wilder’s sophisticated and nuanced romantic comedy/drama, lonely salaryman Bud Baxter (Jack Lemmon) and cute elevator girl Fran Kubelik (Shirley MacLaine) share some time at an office party on Christmas Eve. Each of them thinks they are getting what they want for Christmas—him, a nice raise and some new respect; and her, a husband. But when Bud’s co-workers complain about how he got the promotion (letting his boss use his apartment for secret trysts with Miss Kubelik) and Fran finds out she is but one of many of the philandering Mr. Mandrake’s affairs, it turns into a bittersweet night. Bud ends up drinking alone at a bar, and Fran does something quite drastic. Wilder’s coup d’état came when he captured Best Picture, Director, and Screenplay wins for “The Apartment” at the Oscars in 1961, and deservedly so. It looks today as it did then—like a modern classic. Just look at this sparkling dialogue:

Bud: Well, as a matter of fact, I was rather hurt that night you stood me up.
Fran: I don’t blame you, it was unforgivable.
Bud: I forgive you.
Fran: Well, you shouldn’t.
Bud: You couldn’t help yourself. I mean, when you’re having a drink with one man, you can’t suddenly walk out on him because you’re having another date with another man. You did the only decent thing.
Fran: I wouldn’t be too sure. Just because I wear a uniform, that doesn’t make me a Girl Scout.
Bud: Miss Kubelik, one doesn’t get to be a second administrative assistant around here unless he’s a pretty good judge of character, and as far as I’m concerned, you’re tops, I mean, decency-wise, and otherwise-wise.

2. L.A. Confidential (1997)

Curtis Hanson’s masterful (and Oscar-winning) adaptation of a gripping, hard-boiled crime novel by James Ellroy opens with a fictionalized version of a true-life incident, one of the many blights on the Los Angeles Police Department in the 1950s. Up to fifty members of the force severely beat seven Latino men while they were in custody on Christmas Day 1951. “Bloody Christmas” was what the papers called the controversy, and in the movie, Guy Pearce’s by-the-rules detective Ed Exley is hated immediately by every cop in the building for testifying against the officers involved. It is a brutal opening to one of the best films of the last 25 years; a film that gets it all right—the decay and rot that ran rampant beneath the glitz and glamour of Hollywood. Hanson also deserves credit for breaking Pearce and Russell Crowe through to American audiences, and for using Dean Martin’s saucy rendition of “The Christmas Blues.”

Capt. Dudley Smith: I wouldn’t trade places with Edmund Exley right now for all the whisky in Ireland.

1. Smoke (1995)

Auggie Wren’s Christmas Story, a short story by Paul Auster that appeared in the New York Times on Christmas Day in 1990, led to this film collaboration with director Wayne Wang. Several stories are linked together by the colorful characters who shop at a Brooklyn cigar shop run by the ever-optimistic Auggie (Harvey Keitel). A frustrated writer (William Hurt), a doppelganger for Auster himself, learns to take the time to look at life differently after coincidences open him up to life-changing events. At one point in the film, Keitel sits Hurt down to tell him Auster’s Christmas story that appeared in the Times. It is the centerpiece of the movie and is a simple tale full of stealing, loneliness, and unexpected warmth. To read Keitel’s monologue from the film, click here. To hear Auster himself read the story and the circumstances surrounding it, click here. Listen now. Trust me, it’s worth it.…and have a Merry Christmas!

Auggie Wren: If you can’t share your secrets with your friends then what kind of friend are you?
Paul Benjamin: Exactly… life just wouldn’t be worth living.

Tags: 10, characters, christmas, films, moments, movie, movies, non-christmas, scenes, ten, top, Top 10 Defining Christmas Moments