Frequent Top 10 Scene-Stealers contributor Warren J. Cantrell has an interesting Top 10 for you today that was inspired by the death of J.D. Salinger last week. You can see more of Warren’s Top 10s at his site 10rant.com. If you have a list you’d like to send us, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Warren:

What is it about the writer archetype that stokes the unconventional corners of our collected imaginations? One would think that since it’s the script’s author that controls the tone and presentation of all characters in a film, that you’d see writers pop up in movies against what is now the norm: essentially a twisted shadow of humanity just barely clinging to a semblance of normalcy. Really, though, that’s the way writers like it. Nobody wants to be a part of an ordinary, forgettable caste of artists with no real distinction or opportunity for glory.

While it’s true that not every writer nurtures borderline personality disorders and strange emotional ticks, any person willing to spend the majority of their time alone with their imagination rather than with others is a person on a different clock. And though every writer isn’t a shut-in with questionable social skills, it’s more entertaining in movies when they follow this stereotype, and writers aren’t shy about playing this up if only to give their profession some kind of kitsch appeal. The recently deceased J.D. Salinger knew how to cultivate this image in the real world, many motion pictures taking note of the confluence of fact and fiction as it concerns the proclivities of writers both in life and in our imaginations. To make this list, the movie-author in question had to be just that, an author.

Thus, no characters were ranked that were, say, screenplay writers (sorry, Barton Fink), newspaper reporters (sorry, Superman), or students working on their term papers (sorry, every movie ever made about college). To make it on the list, the scribbler in contention had to display noticeably peculiar manners combined with some form of disruptive public conduct, for this is what makes a notable cinematic writer in the purest tradition. This eliminated Kathleen Turner from the “Romancing the Stone” series (she was just whiny, not unusually strange, really) and Peppard’s “Paul” from “Breakfast at Tiffany’s,” who was stupid for giving his heart to a whore but not really unconventional. I almost ranked Depp’s performance in “Secret Window,” but let’s be honest: that was a shitty movie, and Col. Depp gave us a far better cinematic writer (see #4 below). Finally, Emma Thompson’s Karen Eifel from “Stranger Than Fiction” just barely missed the cut, her finicky proclivities nowhere near as troublesome the ones that belonged to…

10. Michael Douglas’ Prof. Grady Tripp from “Wonder Boys” (1999)

It’s so rare to catch a glimpse of an author character in a picture who isn’t beset by some problem (or series of problems) that keeps them from getting their story out. I don’t know about the rest of you struggling ‘I have a real job other than this’ writers out there, but this tends to piss me off. Most people working 9-5 jobs with ambitions of writing full-time would chew off their own toes to get paid to hit the keyboard for their own pleasure. A contented, fulfilled, productive author is a pretty flat character, however, and more often than not, if conflict hovers around them it usually lands on their ability to constructively craft words. Such is the case with Douglas’ Prof. Grady. Despite a sweet-ass college job, book deal, choice bud hook-up, forbidden ass on the side, and young college chicks who worshiped him, the guy still couldn’t seem to get out of a rut. Though his seminal work brought him fame in years long since passed, his follow-up opus was spiraling out of control with no end in sight, the presence of the cushiest job and setup on Earth obviously not enough to get the guy’s creative motor running. It took Hollywood memorabilia larceny, dog assassinations, and sordid adventures with Spider-man (Tobey Maguire) to get ol’ Grady back on track, yet by the end of the film he was in the groove once again and writing productively. While not especially loopy compared to some of the characters to follow, Grady gets points for filling out the typical author mold: cantankerous, ill-at-ease, impossible to please, under the influence, and mysteriously tortured. While none of these things, the next entrant was definitely a diamond in the rough compared to his contemporary peers, the lengths this next guy went to for his story something to behold.

9. Saul Rubinek’s W.W. Beauchamp from “Unforgiven” (1992)

Dime novels were the comic books of the nineteenth century (the second half in particular), and were written almost exclusively by east-coast dandies with only passing knowledge of the “West” and what actually transpired there. As is the case today, the people who wrote fantastic tales of the Western frontier had no tangible experience from which to draw, and created stories reminiscent of chivalrous literary traditions more English in tone than American. Dime novel author Beauchamp is first glimpsed on a train with his guide and biography subject English Bob (Richard Harris), a fantastic circumstance all to itself because these authors rarely left their New York offices, where the lurid adventures were churned out weekly (sometimes daily). Beauchamp didn’t play that shit, though, and preferred instead to jump directly into the deep end. After he watched English Bob get an American nut-stomping, Beauchamp slid over to ally himself with the guy who handed Bob his ass: Gene Hackman’s Little Bill. Seemingly hypnotized by the promise of actual, unfiltered Western truth, Beauchamp hung on Little Bill’s every word, listening as the veteran sheriff explained the realities of a renegade frontier society that rewarded deliberate, level-headed action in the face of incessant brutality and madness. When most writers of the day would have contented themselves with cozy east-coast functions around the soda fountain or gentleman’s club (or whatever the hell men did before television), Beauchamp was in Wyoming tasting the essence of a country’s emerging mythology. Though not terribly fantastic by today’s standards, compared to 19th century norms, Beauchamp was pure gonzo.

8. James Earl Jones’ Terence Mann from “Field of Dreams” (1989)

It’s only fitting that Mr. Jones’ role in this movie get a few moments of discussion in light of J.D. Salinger’s passing last week, for his Terence Mann was simply a fictional composite of Salinger in the novel upon which “Field of Dreams” was based. In that book, Shoeless Joe, the main character was told that he must coerce Salinger out of isolation to get him to perform a number of the same tasks as Mann in the film version. Since James Earl Jones’ character was fictional, the magnitude of Costner’s character getting the author out of his house was somewhat lost, but when taken in the context of the Salinger prototype, the achievement becomes considerably more impressive. By all accounts, Salinger had little use for the outside world and isolated himself against most people he came into contact with, including his family. Terence Mann in this film was cut from a similar block, a writer whose sudden acquisition of fame and influence outstripped the individual’s capacity to meet those growing obligations. Ill-tempered for the level of understanding needed to cope with the expectations of those he had inspired, Mann instead turned away from the audience whose hopes he couldn’t hope to satisfy. Terence Mann represented the misappropriated and commoditized voice that rejects a world that took something unique and beautiful and tried instead to plug it into a one-size-fits-all problem socket. Salinger and Mann represent what can become of shy, sensitive, introspective individuals who are called upon to solve the problems of people who had previously shunned them into being writers in the first place.

7. Chevy Chase’s Andy Farmer from “Funny Farm” (1988)

Ah, now we start getting into the nitty gritty, the truly deplorable and wretched individuals whose dirty, shameful lives naturally lead to the dissemination of sordid tales. Before this film’s reconcile-heavy ending, there were a lot of hard-bitten, honest truths to be found in “Funny Farm” as it pertains to the world of writing. Indeed, the audience could watch as an otherwise normal, sane man was driven to soul-crushing despair as a result of his regrettable profession. You see, some people just eat and breathe writing: it’s pretty much all we can do. Others, however, tinker around with words for a few years, nay, in come cases a lifetime (they are called newspaper writers), yet will never capture the majesty of the experience. The profession can turn on these poor souls, leaving burned out shells in their wake, yet can sometimes turn them into literary titans. Chevy Chase’s character in this film tried to manufacture a book out of his surroundings, moving to the country to get some isolation and fresh air so that the next great American novel might be born. He quickly realized that he lived in a town filled with drunkards, liars, thieves, neurotic psychopaths and scrotum-eaters: and that wasn’t even counting the crazy-as-rat-shit mailman! After losing his dog and the love of his woman, Chevy went a little over the deep end and tried to get his edge back via some heavy drinking and attempted homicide on a Federal employee. Unfortunately, the film took something of a Capra-esque turn when Andy hit rock-bottom, and rather than watch as the guy emerged from his whiskey-stupor as some sort of Kerouacian God, Andy relented and made way for his spouse’s literary career. Until this tragic miscalculation, however, the guy was on his way to classic status within the ‘hobo-crazy’ field of American writers, a club whose President, Charles Bukowski, was the focus of the next film …

6. Mickey Rourke’s Henry Chinaski from “Barfly” (1987)

If this wasn’t based off of a real writer, you’d probably dismiss this oft-overlooked Mickey Rourke performance as trite and somewhat cartoonish. To read Bukowski’s poetry and prose is to gain exclusive entry into the soul of a genuine American, and to probe the depths of this country’s dirtiest and most neglected corners. Only slightly removed from its source material, “Barfly” followed Bukowski’s screen doppelganger Henry Chinaski as he lived the true L.A. writer’s lifestyle. Frequenting the diviest of dive-bars where dried up post-menopause whores shopped $10 blow jobs and bartenders routinely fought customers for tips, Chinaski staggered blissfully through days that ran thoughtlessly into each other. At night he fell upon his typewriter to hammer out postmodern treatises on nihilistic self-deprivation, embracing the pauper’s lifestyle he championed both in words and through penniless lifestyle. Rejecting everything except the basest necessities required to keep himself drunk and in possession of writing materials, Chinaski was a true literary eccentric. When his work was discovered by a prominent critic and he was offered regular pay and perks for his work, Rourke’s character instead returned to his shit-smeared walls and beer-soaked stool to revel in the magnificence that made him worth attention in the first place. With a drunk, slightly unstable woman at his side and a tavern full of alcoholic allies without a prayer of passing judgment on Chinaski or anybody else, the guy was in his groove when at his lowest. The substance-abusing, self-deprecating formula isn’t unique to Bukowski and his creations, however, the stigma in place long before this picture semi-glamorized the lifestyle …

5. Piper Laurie’s Sarah Packard from “The Hustler” (1961)

A true American classic, “The Hustler” is the story of a pool shark not only looking to improve his game, but also the quality of his person. Early in the film, flush with arrogance, bourbon, and delusions of grandeur, Paul Newman’s Fast Eddie lost to his arch rival, Minnesota Fats, not because he was less of a player, but because he was less of a man. After shacking up with a truly lushed-out broad, Eddie started getting his act together. Though initially attracted to the student/writer because the two shared similar approaches to alcohol consumption, the pair learned to fulfill each other and were soon on their way to a relatively productive relationship. Though grifter Eddie certainly took a step up with his acquisition of some fresh, collegiate poon, Piper Laurie’s choice of a degenerate pool lackey was somewhat curious, that is until viewed in the context of her profession. Coming home late at night to pound out beatnik prose on her floor typewriter, Sarah Packard was the quintessential early-60s author. Very much in the Ginsberg and Burroughs tradition, Sarah was the somewhat traditional writer character for a brief period: that upper-class girl with too much emotion and imagination that gets mixed up with the sordid lot that frequents jazz clubs, pool halls, and the docks. Indeed, she paid for her transgression, too, for the last we saw of her she was getting desperately assaulted in a manner that would lead to her shame-induced suicide. More of a warning than an actual character, her function was to scare Newman’s Eddie as well as the audience, to frighten both into leading straighter, less lurid lives than that found with some drunk hussy and her “words.”

4. Johnny Depp’s Raoul Duke from “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” (1998)

While this list’s caveats did specify no journalists, the eventual product of the Las Vegas adventure was a book that became the seminal piece of literature for the 1970s, thus the Doc gets a pass. More than just a tale of debauchery concerning two men with magazine-issued credit cards and all-expenses-paid hotel accommodations, the tale was a clever metaphor for an entire generation. The two protagonists, Duke and Gonzo, were the 60s. On their way to Las Vegas to find the American Dream, their bright-eyed optimism reflected the late 60s and the promising aspirations of a youth movement that thought they were on the cusp of a new American era. Depp’s portrayal of Thompson was spot-on, for in his effort to consume everything and soak up all that “America” had to offer, the writer found himself broke, up to his waist in garbage, in trouble with the authorities, and totally empty-handed. In this, the lack of any story for his magazine, the point was made with the most clarity, events in the film true to those in the book. As was the case in real life, after all the posturing of the 60s–the marches, the concerts and good intentions–at the end of the day, the hippies came away with Nixon in office for a second term and all their heroes either slain or in jail. It’s fitting that Duke and Gonzo did little better in the film, acting in accordance with their generation, using, consuming, and pushing everything to the limit to achieve a higher plane of understanding whose fruits were no different than those afforded to the despised fathers to come before. Eccentric though Depp’s character may have been with the destruction of his hotel rooms, borderline kidnapping, eatery assault, car rental destruction, and ether and acid trips: at the end of the day both he and his generation found themselves wishing for some greater force “tending the light at the end of the tunnel” just like past generations. What Thompson’s age bracket could take away from their forbearers, however, was that they had understood the fallacy of their ambitions, yet strove regardless toward an optimistic future, pipe in hand.

3. John Malkovich’s Osborne Cox from “Burn After Reading” (2008)

If Hunter S. Thompson proved anything, it was that this world contains some people–mutants, really–who are too friggin’ strange to do anything else except write. Of course, in “Burn After Reading,” it’s hinted at that Malkovich’s CIA agent Cox resigned from the company because of behavioral problems ostensibly related to drinking. Naturally, the guy retired and started in on his writing career, for there are few on today’s list without some kind of substance abuse problem, and a couple, like Osborne Cox and Thompson, that couldn’t have done anything else except write. This guy had a running list of issues, however, not the least of which involved his wife screwing some Treasury agent, his memoirs getting misplaced and shopped to the Russkies, and gym employees getting shot all to the hell in his house. In a movie brimming with idiots and fiends, Malkovich’s character truly stood out, if only because his dilemmas were at the center of an increasingly absurd series of disasters. And naturally, the guy was trying to become a writer. His attempts at harnessing a lifetime of CIA experiences set in motion a host of ludicrous misunderstandings and murders. The Osborne Cox character of this film represented a rarely utilized author archetype, that writer who is literally so disturbed and messed up that they can’t function as anything else. Hell, even as a writer Cox was coming off the rails, proving that some people are just too damn weird to exist. Malkovich had to bow to a greater force, however, for in the final two slots, there is an actor who has the corner on the crazy-novelist genre …

2. Jack Nicholson’s Melvin Udall from “As Good As It Gets” (1997)

Where does one even begin with this freak show? Jack’s Melvin Udall was OCD in a way that would make Rain Man blush. How eccentric of a writer was he? Melvin had routines for how many times he turned the locks in his house, how he washed his hands, where he ate, how he ate, the utensils he used to eat, and this was all aside from the severely aggressive attitude he threw around at all times. Not shy about telling both strangers and acquaintances alike just how it was he felt about them at any given moment, it didn’t take Melvin long to alienate everybody in his life except those required to maintain his precious routines. Unlike a lot of other authors on this list, Melvin seemed to be a very productive artist, however, his litany of works enough to keep him in style with a sweet ride, mad city hook-ups, and plush Manhattan apartment with (among other things) a goddamned piano! A bit of a sentimental movie? Yeah, maybe. But in the end, it is the story of Melvin and his growth as a human being well past the mid-life crisis stage, when a lifetime of idiosyncratic and anti-social behavior not so much caught up with him, but receded in the face of genuine kindness and personal connections. It’s a story of optimism, and about how change can arrive despite a person’s best efforts to stifle such unwanted advances. In Melvin, this theme found a formidable challenger, for as far as eccentric writers go, he was among the vanguard. Though not a drunk or a junky, the guy certainly had his addictions: Melvin’s particular fix connected to his lust of cleanliness. Both in the physical sense but also as it pertained to the social order around him, Melvin couldn’t stand something out of place. A true oddball, Melvin got the runner-up spot because he demanded so much order from a world brimming with chaos. Because he found peace at the end of the day, and didn’t try to axe-murder everyone around him, he missed out on the #1 slot, however, one held down by Nicholson’s seminal performance …

1. Jack Nicholson’s Jack Torrance from “The Shining” (1980)

And so we come to this, the obvious, natural choice for the top spot. To propose a quick defense, the guy was tending a nearly-empty hotel built on Native American burial ground with a history of caretakers ruthlessly murdering their families. He was trapped in a confined area with Shelly Duvall without booze, without cable television (and thus football), in the middle of a figgin’ arctic wasteland. Now, that said, he did start hearing voices, seeing ghosts and, yes, did subsequently try to murder his family with an axe. The madness was a road, however, not a conveyer belt, and it took some time for Mr. Torrance to get to his destination. The starting point was indicative of a regrettable outcome, however, for the movie began with stories of Jack’s character getting hammered and breaking his son’s arm well before poltergeist-inspired descents into madness. Once the bad vibes started leaking in, it wasn’t long before the aspiring novelist started flashing crazy eyes. Whether it was his explanation about when it was okay to disturb a man in the midst of typing, or the discussion with his wife about not wanting to hurt her, but rather his wish to simply “bash her brains right the fuck in,” the cracks quickly began to materialize. Nothing if not resilient, it’s a shame that Jack wasn’t able to focus that persistence and murderous rage into his novel, epic though his one sentence masterpiece might have been, it just wasn’t terribly marketable. As far as nutty writers go, however, the man has no peers. For materializing ghostly friends for some casual bar-talk and because he killed one guy and tried to kill two others in a murderous axe-rage, Jack Torrance gets the top spot. And it’s not just because, as a writer, he killed somebody with an axe (Malkovich did that in “Burn After Reading,” and he only made #3), but because he embodied the best of what audiences have come to expect from movie writers. Drunk, angry, quirky, reclusive, bad-tempered, awkward in social settings, and capable of a violent freak-out pretty much all the time, as a moviegoing public we expect no less from our scribes. For giving the world all this, and so much more in maybe his finest performance, Mr. Nicholson gets the top nod.

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Melvin Moses Gibson. Friday marks the release of “Edge of Darkness,” your first film as an actor since 2002’s “Signs.” I’d like to say we’ve missed you, but you’ve directed two gloriously over-the-top, gore-filled historical behemoths with as much crazy-per-square-inch as anything you ever did as an actor. So, as a tribute to your nearly indefatigable reign as King Crazy, I offer you this Top 10. Please enjoy Top 10 Craziest Mel Gibson Movie Moments and remember, if you have a Top 10 to contribute, email eric@scene-stealers.com.

10. Signs (2002) - Mashed Potato Mayhem

M. Night Shyamalan and Mel Gibson are two of the most unstable filmmakers in Hollywood. Both seem to have lost their way at some point as the result of some very debilitating proclivities as directors and actors. Shyamalan sacrifices storytelling for tone and subtitutes twist endings for content. Gibson is all about arbitrary sadomasochism. But before Shyamalan went off track and before Gibson became self-parodying with “The Passion of the Christ” and “Apocalypto,” the two came together for this film, and it’s an extremely solid piece of work. But putting the film’s quality aside, this scene is one that could not be ignored for this list. Oh, man. I haven’t seen the movie in a while, but just thinking about Gibson’s emotional breakdown over an assortment of mismatched foods at the dinner table is making me laugh pretty uncontrollably. His character is a former minister who lost his faith after the death of his wife, and he goes off when his kids try to pray at the dinner table during the onset of an alien invasion. They hoot and holler and finally all break down in each other’s arms. It’s a silly scene in a good film, and it turned out to be a harbinger of all the insanity to come from both the film’s director and its star.

9. Apocalypto (2006) - Mayans Bleed Real Good

Oh, Mel. You wanted to explore the ancient Mayan culture and exemplify its intricacies and mysteries, huh? And you wanted to frame that noble exploration within the context of an action-adventure/chase picture during which more blood is shed than most horror movies (but not much more than most Mel Gibson movies)? How admirable. This scene depicts a Mayan ceremony during which a man is sacrificed to some unidenfitifed deity and has his heart torn out. Like I said: admirable. Now, I’d like to articulate lots and lots of vaguely condemnatory pronouncements about this silly movie, but I feel like Scene-Stealers has been here before. To quote J.D. Warnock, “Just like everybody else, you can cut half the head off a Mayan and blood will squirt out!” Couldn’t have said it better myself.

8. What Women Want (2000) - Mel Does Not Feel Ashamed

Thought Mel was a bit of a misogynist? Well, think again! In this scene from “What Women Want,” a film about a womanizing ad executive who acquires the ability to read women’s minds, Mel’s character tries to get in touch with his inner lady by shaving his legs, applying makeup, and fumbling around his bathroom while listening to Meredith Brooks’ 90s hit “Bitch.” I know my tone may come across as a bit condescending, but, in all honesty, I like this movie. I can’t help it. Mel Gibson’s as charming as he is delirious. And despite the fact that this film was probably a late-in-the-game attempt to squelch the general perception that he was sexist, I enjoy it. And to be fair, this isn’t “crazy” so much as it is just ridiculous. But is it ever ridiculous … (Starts at 3:25.)

7. The Road Warrior (1981) - “The Ayatollah of Rock n’ Rolla!”

The basic rules for this list I imposed upon myself were that each entry would either contain Mel Gibson in a moment of insanity as an actor or Mel Gibson in a moment of insanity as a director. So, in that sense, I’m breaking my own rules a little on this one. But, seriously, how could I not include this gem in a Mel Gibson-related top 10? Lord Humungus’ speech to the residents of the ramshackle, militarized compound in George Miller’s post-apocalyptic thrillride “The Road Warrior” is one of the strangest, funniest, most off-the-wall moments in a Mel Gibson movie, especially since it’s one in which Mel Gibson himself is not taking part in the craziness. There are about a dozen things that are truly bizarre in this sequence and it would be impossible to do them justice here. So, that being said, I’ll let the clip speak for itself and just walk away.

6. Lethal Weapon (1987) - Rooftop Shenanigans

You had to know this would find its way onto this list. It was this performance that first gave us a taste of the maniac Aussie who would be gracing the silver screen for decades to come. Among other things, “Lethal Weapon” catapulted Mel Gibson to stardom and defined the buddy cop flick of the 80s. I’m not sure if either of those are good things, but the point remains. Just watch him in this scene. Look at the gleam in his eyes (exhibited perfectly in the thumbnail for the video). Listen to the tone of his voice and how bits of his accent slip out here and there. “Acting”? Give me a break. Apart from the Special Ops training and a few other variables, Mel Gibson IS Martin Riggs. They were just tearing pages from his diary and adapting them for the big screen.

5. Ransom (1996) - “Give me back my son!”

Filmmakers love celebrating Mel’s psychological instability. Whether its his gore fetish or his appetite for nutty, quotable dialogue, they can’t seem to get enough of giving him exactly what he wants. I think this one might be his most memorable outburst (apart from “The Patriot[’s]” “You’re my child!”) and it tells you all you need to know about this movie. Also in this scene are some of my very favorite Mel movie quotes, the best of which is probably: “Don’t you understand English, you useless piece of shit?!” Priceless. It’s all in the delivery, though. The only other actor I can think of who’d trump Gibson’s throaty incantation would be Gary Busey (who is coincidentally the villain in “Lethal Weapon”). And that raises a pretty good question, actually: Whose insanity has more real life and cinematic entertainment value, Mel Gibson or Gary Busey?

4. Payback (1998) - Porter’s Little Piggies

As for this scene…I don’t quite know what to say. It may be Mel’s definitive screen moment of sadomasochism. And if that doesn’t grant it a spot on this Top 10, what will? In the film (a remake of 1967’s “Point Blank” starring a terrifically deadpan Lee Marvin), Mel plays Porter, a small time crook interested in retrieving $70,000 that was stolen from him sometime earlier by his ex-wife and former partner. Throughout the film - some of which actually does involve legitimate S&M - he has his many attempts at retribution thwarted by a menagerie of crooked cops and ethnic mobsters. Finally, he kidnaps a crime boss’ (Kris Kristofferson) son only to find himself at the thug’s mercy in an abandoned warehouse (that most reliable filmic setpiece). Refusing to give up the boy’s location, one of Kristofferson’s goons proceeds to demolish Porter’s toes with a hammer, with the intimation that the instrument will soon find its destructive home elsewhere on his body. Porter invites the torment, telling the gangsters quite frankly, “This little piggy went to the market.”

Note: Unfortunately, the full clip I intended to include has been removed from YouTube but is still available in French and Italian.

3. Conspiracy Theory (1997) - Wheelchair Stairwell Bowling

No words can really do justice to this stupendously absurd, hilarious scene from the 1997 paranoid thriller “Conspiracy Theory,” which co-starred Julia Roberts, making it two enormously popular box office draws at the height of their careers.

Patrick Stewart plays a psychiatrist working for the CIA who viciously interrogates Jerry Fletcher (Gibson), a delusional taxi driver obsessed with hokey conspiracy theories, only to have him escape through a series of preposterous events including nose biting and, yes, wheelchair stairwell bowling.

It has to be seen to be believed.

2. The Passion of the Christ (2004) - Madonna and Midget Baby

I went to Catholic school up until eighth grade and, while I’m no longer of that persuasion, I still view this movie as one of the biggest subliminal sleights against Christ ever committed to film. Why subliminal? Because most Christians don’t even realize their Lord is being sleighted! I mean, come on. You’ve got the Prince of Peace in torture porn and people are fooled into thinking it’s some meritorious, sophisticated meditation on his suffering because everyone grimaces throughout and there’s foreboding music galore. If you want to see a real meditation on Christ’s suffering (both internal and external) from a masterful director (Martin Scorsese), see “The Last Temptation of Christ.” But that’s enough. I’m going to stop myself before I get carried away. So, in this brief moment of gut-busting self-seriousness, Satan, in the form of a woman (Mel Gibson…sexist? No way!), holds a…weird midget baby in her arms while Christ is being mercilessly beaten. She does so, apparently, to mock him. Mel Gibson does so, apparently, because he’s out of his mind. Just look at the expression on that creature’s face! I’m not sure if it’s disturbing or the funniest thing I’ve seen in my entire life.

1. Lethal Weapon (1987) - “You wanna see crazy?!”

We didn’t know what we were getting ourselves into, did we? It was 1987 and we were on our way to see Richard Donner’s newest film, “Lethal Weapon,” starring Danny Glover, the most reliable of actors, and Mel…who? Gibbons? Gibson? Oh, yeah! That guy from “The Road Warrior.” We bought our tickets, popcorn, and found our seats perfectly distanced from the screen according to our individual preferences. The film began. We were introduced to Roger Murtaugh, a grumpy detective and family man, trudging across the screen, squawking about his impending retirement. He hung around for a little bit and we quickly developed a fondness for the curmudgeonly police officer. And then something happened, something none of us were prepared for: we met Martin Riggs. Posing as a simpleton trying to buy cocaine from a few drug dealers, the manic depressive detective unleashed his craziness on us like a hailstorm. We were bombarded with it. Face slapping? Check. “Three Stooges”? Check. Wide-eyed lunacy? Check. Let’s face it; this scene has to be number 1. It was our introduction to the character of Martin Riggs and to the Mel Gibson prototype. It says more in three minutes about the man and the filmmaker than every other entry on this list combined.

He showed us crazy alright.

Tags: 10, Crazy, gibson, insane, mel, moments, movie, nutty, ten, top, Top 10 Craziest Mel Gibson Movie Moments, Top 10 Lists, wacko, weird, wonderful

First things first: I love watching the Oscars. It’s the one time of the year that I get all fired up about things that shouldn’t matter to me so much. I want this year to be good. I want it to be awesome. Right now, though, it looks as if it might just infuriate me. I hope the 2010 telecast can avoid these pitfalls, so I’ve gone ahead and listed them below—hopeful that they may not come true. This is a predictive Top 10. Keep in mind that the Oscar nominations are not announced until Feb 2. Ballsy? Sure. Why not? I criticize because I care.

The 2010 Oscar telecast should be quite different from years past. Former studio executive and producer Bill Mechanic and “Hairspray” director-choreographer Adam Shankman are co-producers of the 82nd Annual Academy Awards and they’ve made some pretty big changes. Additionally, this year’s awards season has produced a lot of clear-cut frontrunners in certain categories, yet the two biggest seem up for grabs. Either way, it looks like we are in for a pretty lame Oscar TV event, especially for serious fans of movies.

10. Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin are co-hosting

OK, this is at number 10 because it really could go either way. Martin hosted the show in 2001 and was alright I guess, but year after year of sub-par family remakes and their sequels (“Father of the Bride” 1 and 2, “The Pink Panther” 1 and 2) have probably dulled his edge a little. Baldwin’s dry humor may spice things up a little (his timing is impeccable), but sometimes he can come off as boorish. I’m hoping they have a good time making fun of each other—maybe that will be enough.

9. James Cameron will speak Na’vi again

Sound Mixing, Sound Editing, and Visual Effects will all go to “Avatar.” Done deal. The mega-blockbuster might also pick up awards for Cinematography, Director, and Picture. Either way, chances are we’ll get a face full of Cameron speaking in that language that was made up specifically for his movie. Since proclaiming himself the “king of the world” after winning everything in sight for “Titanic” obviously wasn’t enough, Cameron actually had the chutzpah to speak Na’vi at his acceptance speech at the Golden Globes. Expect him to do the same at the Oscars. (Maybe Baldwin and Martin could learn some Klingon and they could have a nerdtastic conversation with funny subtitles. There, Oscar writers, you can have that—just be sure and give me credit.)

8. They should’ve expanded the Best Actor category to 10 instead of Best Picture

OK, I’m not seriously suggesting this. What I would like to point out, however, is the abundance of talent in this category—coming up with 10 nominees is easy. Also, I’d like to point out how dangerous it can be to have all these televised “predictive” awards shows (like the upcoming SAGs, last weekend’s Critic’s Choice Awards, and the Golden Globes). Because of the nominees there, we can surely predict the nominees for the Oscar: Jeff Bridges, “Crazy Heart”; George Clooney, “Up in the Air”; Colin Firth, “A Single Man”; Morgan Freeman, “Invictus”; and Jeremy Renner, “The Hurt Locker.” Those are just five. And not even the best five. But what are the odds that Viggo Mortensen (“The Road”), Ben Foster (“The Messenger”), Peter Sarsgaard (“An Education”), Sam Rockwell (”Moon”), or my favorite performance of the year Nicolas Cage (who won the Toronto film critics poll for “Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans”) will get nominated? Zilch. It’s this narrowing down; this critical consensus that there are only five real competitors worthy that really ticks me off. Read further in the list for who’s going to win this category, hands down.

7. A Shut-out of “Where the Wild Things Are”

This one’s not too hard to call. The best movie of the year according to The New York Times’ A.O. Scott, a handful of other critics, and myself, will be completely glossed over for Oscar nominations on the morning of Feb. 2. Spike Jonze’s aching portrait of childhood disguised in big fuzzy monster suits was a polarizing film. And since the lead performance is that of a little kid (a naturalistic Max Records) while virtually everyone else is hidden under layers of fur, there’s very little to nominate in the acting categories. The Academy will overlook the film’s sumptuous cinematography, its creative art direction, Jonze’s masterful film direction, and—most criminally—its perfect adaptation of Maurice Sendak’s nine-sentence children’s book. If they got anything right, the Academy would nominate it for Costumes, but I’m not counting on anything.

6. No Lifetime Achievement Awards

For casual watchers of movies, maybe this is the portion of the broadcast where they tune out. Perhaps they don’t like watching old people accept recognition for a life spent in film. Screw ‘em! Watching Robert Altman and Elia Kazan win the Lifetime Achievement Award in recent years was very satisfying. Not only do I love seing these film legends get their due, but I love the movie-clip montages. (The Scorsese one at the Globes almost made me weep, it was so good!) Well, this year, in order to speed up the show’s pace (and to allow them to give more awards without having to worry about  TV time constraints), the producers awarded producer John Calley, legendary lenser Gordon Willis (”The Godfather”), living legend Lauren Bacall, and B-movie king Roger Corman their statues at a small banquet in November. Lame.

5. 10 Best Picture nominations didn’t help: “Avatar” would have been nominated even with five nominees

Part of that move to get better TV ratings was the bold choice this year to expand the Best Picture race to 10 movies rather than 5. It’s the first time since 1943 that the Oscars have had 10 noms here, and the idea was one of inclusion. Had there been 10 nominees last year, “The Dark Knight” would have been one of them and more people would care about watching the Oscars. In theory.  Well, guess what? “Avatar” (poised to break “The Dark Knight’”s box office) would have been nominated even if the category had stuck to five. And other big-grossing films like “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” and the new “Harry Potter” don’t stand a chance. The only beneficiary I can see is Pixar’s “Up,” which should stride right out of the Animation ghetto and into the Best Picture race. A downside? With the vote system the way it is, its possible that “Avatar” might actually become Best Picture even if no voter chooses it as their favorite movie. The new system assigns a point value to each movie based on its ranking on a list. First is worth more points, but a movie voted second place by tons of people could overtake it. (So a movie that no one liked the BEST could win BEST Picture.)

4. The Best Actress race is poised to be downright embarrasing

Sandra Bullock tied at the Critic’s Choice and won the dramatic lead actress award for “The Blind Side.” That is such a mind-boggling reality that I’ll repeat it: Sandra Bullock won two previous awards for “The Blind Side.” OK, Meryl Streep (who tied with Bullock on Friday) may still be the frontrunner for playing beloved chef Julia Child in “Julie & Julia,” but the fact that Bullock even has a chance to win an Oscar for playing the noble rich white woman who takes in a poor black kid and teaches him to play football is just insane. Nevermind Gabourey Sidibe’s searing performance in “Precious” or Carey Mulligan’s mature-beyond-her-years work in “An Education,” let’s give the award to the millionaire movie star who never takes chances on roles with actual substance. (And, no: “Crash” doesn’t count.)

3. “Anvil” snubbed for Best Doc = huge missed opportunity

The best documentary of the year is the most human one out there. It doesn’t revolve around an important issue (and perhaps that’s why it wasn’t shortlisted by the Academy for a nomination this year) and it doesn’t have any movie stars doing voiceover narration. It’s a moving tale of determination, friendship, and courage—and it’s about a Canadian heavy metal band still plugging away at their career in their fifties. (Jpeg from The Film Experience.) Besides missing out on seeing band members Lips and Robb Reiner decked out in tuxes at the show, the producers are missing out on a huge opportunity by not being able to book the stars of “Anvil: The Story of Anvil” to actually perform. That would have been the most bizarre Oscar musical performance since Isaac Hayes disappeared in a cloud of smoke during his Oscar-winning “Theme from ‘Shaft.’” And it would have seriously brought the audience to its knees, because …

2. Anyway you slice it, the song category will suck

Another less-publicized change in the Oscars was made this year in the Music - Original Song category. If no song achieves a minimum average score of 8.25 in the nominations voting, there be no nominees and no Oscar presented for the category. We could only be so lucky. If only one song achieves the required minimum, it and the song with the next highest score will be deemed the nominees. This continues as laid out, but only up to five nominations. The Oscar will go to “The Weary Kind (Theme From ‘Crazy Heart’),” a safe, boring, mellow folk number that’s masquerading as “real country” and has already won the Critic’s Choice and Golden Globe. Let’s just hope it and only one other song gets nominated so we don’t have to sit through too much awful music on the show. The problem with this category is that most of these songs are afterthoughts; songs deemed too crappy to put on established artists’ albums so they get put in movies just to run through the credits. Kudos to the Academy for trying to limit the number of nominees with a quality scale. I just don’t trust it to work.

1. All the Major Awards Races (minus the two biggest) Are Already Over

Nominees haven’t even been announced yet, but here are your winners in all big categories other than Picture and Director:
Actor: Jeff Bridges, Actress: Meryl Streep, Supporting Actor: Cristolph Waltz, Supporting Actress: Mo’Nique, Screenplay: “Inglourious Basterds,” Adapted Screenplay: “Up in the Air,” Animated Film: “Up,” Foreign Film: “The White Ribbon,” Documentary: “The Cove,” Original Score: “Up,” Original Song: “Crazy Heart.” Knowing there won’t be any surprises until the very end could make for a long slog of a telecast. I am hoping that, against all odds, I am wrong, but this is how I see it. And as usual, (pity me), I’ll be glued to my TV to find out!

Tags: 10, 2009, 2010, academy awards, bet, fail, list, march, odds, predictions, suck, ten, top, Top 10 Reasons the 2010 Oscars Will Fail, Top Ten Reasons the 2010 Oscars Will Fail, who, will, Win

NYC writer Sean O’Connell has contributed some great lists to Scene-Stealers and his newest is no exception. If you have a Top 10 you’d like to write for inclusion, send it (or the idea for it) to me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Sean:

This might not be the most politically correct list of all time. But I felt the need to write it. Last month, I was watching countless holiday movies that feature Santa’s elves. Some of the newer ones had real average size actors like John Michael Higgins and Ludicrous in “Fred Claus” portray the elves. They just CGIed them down to midget size. Then you had movies like “The Santa Clause” were they used kid actors to fill in the roles. Hell, even Dudley Moore portrayed Patch the elf in the awful “Santa Claus- The Movie”. This just made me think: Why are they cheating us the real quality of an elf? Is it because there are not great half-sized actors? That is absolutely not true. I dare say that one day we may see a vertically challenged actor or actress make their way to the Oscar stage to accept an Oscar (I don’t count Linda Hunt- she is just short). Maybe Hollywood thinks that there aren’t enough little guys and gals to go around in Tinsel Town. Once again, not true- there seems to be an abundance of them. Does anyone remember the classic “Terror Comes To Tiny Town”? That was an all-midget cast. So I made some guidelines for this list, for instance- the actor & actress had to be an actual midget. Also, no one actor could be used twice, so I picked their best performance than ranked the performances in order. If the word midget offends you, then I apologize in advance. Maybe you can just substitute the word little person in your mind as you read it. Here are the Top 10 Midget Performances of all time.

10. Billy Barty as J.J. MacKuen in “Foul Play” (1978)

The late, great Billy Barty is arguably the most famous midget actor of all time, mainly because of his long body (sorry for the pun) of work. He appeared in such greats as “Alice in Wonderland” in 1933, “Under the Rainbow” in 1981, “Legend” in 1985, “Willow” in 1988, and of course, “UHF” in 1989. Poor Billy was unfortunate in that he became the poster boy of movie midgets. He never really got a role of substance; it was usually slapstick comedic roles. So the one I best felt he perfected was that of J.J. MacKuen, the bible salesman from “Foul Play.” One day J.J. decides to call on Gloria Mundy (Goldie Hawn) to see if she would be interested in his product. The thing is Gloria mistakes him (and his references to the afterlife) for “The Dwarf”- a man who she has never seen but she thinks is hell bent on killing her. Billy plays this role to perfection, chasing Gloria around the house trying to get her views on God. Once he goes to open a briefcase that is almost as big as him, Gloria goes bonkers and beats him up with her broom. This leads to him being thrown out the window, where she again beats his fingers with her broom so he falls down into a garbage can. Then the can rolls down the streets of San Francisco, until poor J.J. is launched high in the air out of the can and crashes with a thud. It turns out he was not the bad guy and that he was just an innocent little person. We then see J.J. in a full-body cast minus his face (a great visual gag by the way) in the hospital as Gloria visits him. He tries to be nice to her but lets out a blood-curling scream when she tries to swat a fly off his body with a Bible.

9. Meinhardt Raabe as the Munchkin Coroner in “The Wizard of Oz”(1939)

I thought it was going to hard to pick my favorite munchkin, but when I gave it some serious thought, only one came to mind. Sure, the Mayor and the Lollipop kids are fun, but the coroner seemed to have the most fun with the role. Sometimes I find myself singing at work “As Coroner I must aver, I thoroughly examined her and she’s not only merely dead, she’s really most sincerely dead.” He had the best outfit, too: The big purple hat that rolled up on the sides of the brim, the long purple robe, the long orange beard, and of course the oversized certificate of death. Meinhardt can still be seen on making the rounds on talk shows in his famous getup singing his famous verse. I always wondered why the munchkins would need a coroner. How many munchkins were dying that they felt the need to create such a position? Maybe it was after the munchkin hung himself on the set of the movie. Sidenote: “Under the Rainbow” (1981) was a great movie about how the midget actors took over the hotel across the street from where “The Wizard of Oz” was being filmed.

8. Harry Earles as Hans in “Freaks” (1932)

Ok, let me start this entry out with this: Those of you who have not seen Tod Browning’s opus to circus freaks need to stop reading this article now and go watch it. Its about a trapeze artist named Cleopatra (Olga Baclanova) who decides to con sideshow midget Hans out of his inheritance. See, Hans is happily engaged to fellow midget Frieda (Daisy Earles) but decides to kick her to the curb when the much taller Cleopatra starts showing interest in him. Hans then proposes to Cleopatra and she accepts, which leads to the greatest engagement dinner in film history. All the circus freaks decide to welcome Cleopatra by serenading to her “We accept her! One of us! We accept her! One of us! Gooble gobble, gooble gobble! We accept her! We accept her!” Im serious here: Watch this scene and you will not stop singing “Gooble gobble, gooble gobble” for weeks. Well, Cleopatra does what any tall person would do at a ceremony of singing freaks, she gets crazy drunk, reveals the fact that she is having an affair with Hercules the Strong Man, mocks them, throws wine in their faces, and chases them away. Hans, our brave tiny person, still decides to make a go of this bizzrae union and what does he get for his efforts? Cleopatra slowly starts poisoning his medicine. The freaks find out about this and SPOILER ALERT decide to cut out her tongue, one eye, and her…well…they melted the flesh of her hands to look like chicken feet and permanently tarred and feathered her lower half. She has been reduced to performing in a sideshow as the squawking “human chicken.” This goes to show that you don’t mess with circus people…

7. Zelda Rubenstein as Tangina Barrons in “Poltergeist” (1982)

Mrs. Rubinstein is the only female to make the list; sorry for offending all female midgets. Tangina is also the only little person to appear in a trilogy. She plays an expert spiritual medium hired by Dr. Lesh (Beatrice Straight) to help exorcise all the ghosts out of the Freelings house and save their daughter Carol Anne (Heather O’Rourke). Tangina’s entrance into the movie alone is amazing. You are waiting for this great dominant figure to walk through the door and instead comes this little tiny lady with huge sunglasses on. As soon as she enters she instantly knows that Carol Anne is OK band mutters, “Your daughter is alive and in this house.” Actually, Tangina has all the great lines in this film: “It exploits the fact that the spirits are confused and lost, and uses Carol Anne as a distraction”, “To her, it simply is another child. To us, it is the Beast.”, “It knows what scares you. It has from the very beginning. Don’t give it any help, it knows too much already”, and “Cross over children. All are welcome. All welcome. Go into the Light. There is peace and serenity in the Light”- just to quote a few. Come on, admit it, when you just read all those quotes you started saying them out loud in her famous high-pitched southern drawl. Tangina comes up with a great plan to save the day and get all the spirits to go into the light at the same time. Well, Steven Freeling (Craig T. Nelson) don’t trust shorties and panics, almost ruining the day. Needless to say, Tangina saves Carol Anne and says her last famous line (all together now) “This house is clean”.

6. Various actors as Oompa Loompas in “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” (1971)

First things first: I will not even mention the awful Tim Burton version that used the same actor to play all the Oompa Loompas. That felt like such a jip to me, as all Oompa Loompas were created different in their own orange likeness. Now having said that I have to break one of the guidelines on my list for this entry. I can’t single out just one Oompa Loompa or even one actor’s particular performance. They were all great, so I will list them all- Rudy Borgstaller, George Claydon, Malcolm Dixon, Rusty Goffe, (he also played a Jawa in “Star Wars”) Ismed Hassan, Norman McGlen, Angelo Muscat, Pepe Poupee, Marcus Powell and Albert Wilkinson. Their songs were a thing of amazement; I don’t know anyone who can sit through a viewing without bouncing around like a weeble wobble belting out the tunes. “Oompa loompa doompadee doo / I’ve got another puzzle for you / Oompa loompa doompadee dee / If you are wise you’ll listen to me / Who do you blame when your kid is a brat.” This movie even showcased the little hands in white gloves effect of tiny people. After watching this classic for the first I learned how to do my own midget effect, where you kneel on your knees, then pull your shirt to cover your legs, pull your arms in your sleeves and just leave your hands out. You have to sing “If you’re not spoiled then you will go far / You will live in happiness, too / Like the Oompa Loompa doompadee doo.”

5. Peter Dinklage as Miles Finch in “Elf” (2003)

This is the first of two Christmas movies to make the list. If you have not seen this movie or at least don’t know of this scene then you have to be a South Pole elf yourself because it is hysterical. I will not go into the premise of the movie (Alright: Will Ferrell aka Buddy the Elf thinks he is a Christmas Elf.) There. Anyway James Caan plays Ferrell’s estranged father who is in charge of a publishing company that specializes in children’s books. After cutting corners, he’s faced with coming up with an original idea for a new story and his crack writing staff (Andy Richter and Kyle Gass) have none. Enter Miles Finch, famed children’s author, whom they want to hire to come up with ideas for them. Peter Dinklage wins the audience over before he is ever on screen with a side-splitting phone conversation between he and Caan, Richter, and Gass. He can only spare five hours for a meeting and his demands are “a black S-500 to receive me at the airport. I need the interior of that car to be 71 degrees.” Well, Buddy creates havoc in the mailroom and Caan is now forced to attempt to put Miles on hold, which forces Finch to scream, “I do not hold! Do not put me on hold!” Then Finch tells them he is out; there is a long pause- then the great line that kills me- “I’ll be there tomorrow…71 Degrees!” Things really pick up at the board meeting when Miles Finch enters the movie in person. Buddy is so happy that he comes crashing into the meeting and mistakes Miles as one of Santa’s elves. Miles says “Hey, jack weed, I get more action in a week than you’ve had in your entire life. I’ve got houses in L.A., Paris and Vail. In each one, a 70-in. plasma screen. So I suggest you wipe that stupid smile off your face before I come over there and SMACK it off! You feeling strong, my friend? Call me elf one more time.” Once Buddy calls him an angry elf, Miles jumps up on the table runs at Buddy and kicks the crap out of him. Great scene and well deserving of the middle of the list.

4. Tony Cox as Marcus in “Bad Santa” (2003)

The second Christmas movie, (that’s right I said Christmas, not “holiday”) on the list and also from 2003- good year for tiny actors. Marcus, who works in a mall as an elf is definitely an angry elf. His only purpose to have this job is not to bring joy to children, but to rob the mall after hours. His partner in crime is Willie (Billy Bob Thorton) who plays the depertment store Santa. After they rob the malls, Marcus would always return to his wife in Miami only to return the next Christmas season to rob another mall. Willie is a drunk and unraliable and almost gets them fired from the next gig because he gets caught having sex with a fat girl in a big & tall dressing room. Marcus threatens to sue mall owner (John Ritter) for discrimination against African American little people. Mall Security Chief Gin (Bernie Mac) discovers what Marcus and Willie are up to and wants a cut. This eventually leads to Marcus and his wife running Gin over and killing him. Marcus then decides he no longer need Willie and is going to kill him as well. The police arrive in time and Marcus and his wife are arrested and carted of to jail. I wonder how a midget would survive in jail, would they still be somebody’s bitch? Tony Cox was also great in “Under the Rainbow” (1981), Cheech & Chong’s Nice Dreams” (1981), “Me, Myself & Irene” (2000), and he was even an Ewok in “The Return of the Jedi”- don’t know which one though. Marcus is Tony’s huge (sorry for the pun) crowning achievement.

3. Jordan Prentice as Jimmy in “In Bruges” (2008)

OK, yes, I am aware that Jordan did have the unfortunate luck of playing the title character in “Howard the Duck,” but doesn’t time heal all wounds? The character of Jimmy makes up for his earlier mistake and then some. Jimmy is a midget actor (much like Jordan) who is in Bruges to make a movie where is dressed like a mini version of Angus Young. Jimmy is also addicted to prostitutes and horse tranquilizers, and then again aren’t all midgets addicted to these things. Anyway, Jimmy may not be in the movie very much but he is very intrackle to the plot, especially the ending (wont give it away). Ray (Colin Farrell) is a hit man dealing with the trauma of accidentally killing a child while killing a priest. You guessed it; this is not a Christmas movie. Ray has one thing in common with me though; he is absolutely fascinated by little people. When he sees Jimmy on the streets of Bruges he flips out and follows him, even does karate chop to his neck at one point. The thing that places Jimmy so high on this list is views on the “upcoming midget race war” that he feels is bound to happen. While doing lines of coke bigger than him surrounded by prostitutes, Jimmy begins a discussion on how the white and black dwarves of the world will inevitably rise up and fight. He even feels that the Pakistanis, the Vietnamese and basically anyone who isn’t white will side with the blacks making it more global. This has me thinking, what if Miles Finch fought Marcus- who would win? And what side would the Oompa Loompas be on in a midget race war?

2. Verne Troyer as Mini-Me in “Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me” (1999)

Everyone reading this list knew Verne’s name was coming eventually. He might also be one of the most famous midget actors of all time, even more famous than Tattoo (Herve Villechaize) from Fantasy Island. Quick personal side note- I had a friend who commented on someone’s new arm ink in a bar by saying “Nice tattoo” and a midget came out of nowhere and said, “What did you call me?” Back to Verne, what is there to say about Mini-Me that is not already known. He is the identical clone of Dr. Evil (Mike Meyers), just 1/8th his size. That alone is brilliant. Mini-Me has almost no spoken dialogue in his first screen venture, but he makes the best of his onscreen time. He tries to eat his cat Mini-Mr. Bigglesworth, he tortures Scott Evil (Seth Green) and can kick some serious ass, that is until he is exposed for his size and is flushed out into space. He even has a great sing-along with Dr. Evil to “Just the Two of Us.” Sure, Verne has had some real life troubles, and yes he did pee in a corner naked on “The Surreal Life” but I will always love the character of Mini Me.

1. Jack Purvis as Wally in “Time Bandits” (1981)

This was the easiest and hardest decision on the entire list. Sure, “Time Bandits” would be number one as the movie, but which character to pick? I know I cheated with the Oompa Loompas, but that was because I honestly couldn’t tell them apart. Every midget in this movie rocked and they all deserve a place at number one. I loved Fidget, performed beautifully by Kenny Baker. Yes I am also aware that Kenny Baker was R2-D2, but come on- was that really acting? When Og (Mike Edmunds) turned into a pig, though: priceless. Vermin (Tiny Ross- now that is irony) is great because of his bizarre appetite; there is a hint that he might even eat Kevin (Craig Warnock). Strutter (Malcolm Dixon- also an Oompa Loompa) seemed to be the wise old man who was full of time travel knowledge. The real toss up was between Wally and Randall (David Rappaport). Randall was the wise-cracking leader who would never admit when he was wrong and he reminded me of a tiny Ralph Kramden. Wally got the edge though because despite his size he was fearless. Interesting fact- did you know that Jack Purvis played the Chief Jawa? Wally was able to climb the rope that held the caged prison over a bottomless pit, held the weight of all his fellow small time travels as they swung to safety by himself, swung cage to cage with ease and never even got scared when the rope broke & he climbed all the way to the top with out screaming. Hell, he wasn’t afraid of Evil Genius (David Warner) as he went after him in the final battle scene. It took all the midgets and one kid to hold him back. He always looked tough and ready to fight, but was always compassionate. I wish I could have my very own Wally to call my own.

Tags: 10, best midget, film, list, little, movies, people, ten, top, Top 10 Little People Performances, Top 10 Midget Performances

Well, the 00s have come to a close. Maybe now it’s time to look back at the decade before this last one. Maybe there’s a little more clarity with distance. Maybe Scene-Stealers contributor Warren J. Cantrell from 10rant.com is the man to examine the Top 10 Things Movies Taught Us In the 1990s. I think he is. If you have a Top 10 of your own you’d like to contribute, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Warren with another fantastically verbose Top 10:

Like any decade, it took the 90s a bit of time to figure out its identity and sort through what it had to offer the world. Early entries in the decade such as “Philadelphia,” “The Silence of the Lambs,” and “Boyz N the Hood” hinted at a watershed decade for film, promising more visceral and realistic violence as well as deeper themes regarding the basic truths shrouding humanity. Yet for every “Jurassic Park,” there was also an “Eraser” – for every “Saving Private Ryan,” there was a “Thin Red Line.” New classics like “Out of Sight,” “Election,” “Man Bites Dog,” “Fight Club” and “Rushmore” worked hard to overcome the growing void of shit that widened in the 1990s, one that swallowed many promising pictures into special-effects action-dramas (thank you, “Titanic,” for inventing one of the shittiest film sub-genres in history).

Because of pioneers like Tarantino and Soderbergh, Hollywood began scaling back budgets to make way for smaller, more introverted pictures that reinvested in the script and the depth of understanding needed by actors to pull off these performances. Yet this transformation took some time, and along the way, some desperately needed lessons fell upon movie executives and audiences alike. Below are some of things discovered after filmmakers pulled their heads out of the coke pile for more than ten minutes, lessons that, while not always heeded, were certainly made abundantly clear to those watching during a very confusing decade of cinema.

10. Technology In the 90s Was Trite and Stupid, and Nobody Realized This

People also thought technology in the 80s was cool, and couldn’t stop publicly stroking that either, but in the 90s, people strutted around like they were on the verge of walking onto a “Star Trek” set every time they got up to take a leak. Yet where the ridiculous really took off was when pictures started coming out that warned of Orwellian-like consequences for those who did not respect and fear the all-powerful tech. Laughably bad movies like “The Net” and “Hackers” warned of a secret computer underworld, a cast of nefarious dorks lurking in the shadows waiting to steal your essence the second you dialed up to connect with PRODIGY or AOL.

The rise of computers in films during the 90s also gave birth to a fascinating trend in Hollywood pictures wherein the male computer dork was almost always troll-level ugly while the female hacker was consistently hot (seriously, almost every time: why?). While films like “Die Hard 2″ began the 90s extolling the wondrous virtues of the miracle that is fax technology (McClane: “Holly told me to wake up and smell the 90s.”), it wasn’t until the mid-90s that computer-paranoia took millions of scared, middle-aged white people straight up terror mountain (elevation: suck).

9. John Grisham and Michael Crichton Wrote Every Book In History

I’m having a hard time coming up with a film from the 90s that wasn’t first a book authored by one of these two panty-stains. It’s not an easy task. Between these two men there were (count them, I dare you) 14 Hollywood adaptations of their novels in the 90s, most of them God-fucking-awful. That’s an average of almost 1.5 movies a year written by either one or the other! What’s worse, each author obviously couldn’t have cared less what became of their creations once optioned, as the films never made it on celluloid as much more than a discreet shadow of the former plot or storyline.

One of the most heinous examples of this was Crichton’s novel “Congo,” a hard-as-shit jungle adventure peppered with savage gorilla murder, dismemberment, and diamond lasers. This was all lost in the 1995 cinematic version, however, which (like pretty much every other movie in the 90s) focused more on its Taco Bell cross-marketing campaign, and less on character development and plot believability (Tim Curry and Ernie Hudson still have nightmares about this disaster from what I’ve heard). Grisham’s “A Time To Kill” was no better (“Now imagine she’s white,” seriously!!???), nor was “The Firm,” which turned the plot from the book on its head in a way that would make “Watchmen” fans blush. Which is not to say that it mattered–these dickheads were more than content to watch the illiterate public gobble up whatever half-assed interpretations Hollywood was willing to pay them for, so long as the checks did indeed keep coming (which they did throughout the 90s). Note to Grisham and Crichton (or Crichton’s estate, rather): Stephen King thinks you went overboard.

8. Racism Can Be Funny

People like Chris Rock and Martin Lawrence practically made a career out of yelling at the camera, scaring good-intentioned, semi-honest white folks with urban ghetto-talk. Thing was, unlike films in the past that pandered to this stereotype as a way to point and laugh, Rock and Lawrence were doing the pointing, at us, and were absolutely hilarious. Comedic deities like Pryor and Murphy (before the latter sold his balls to the 5-12 year old demographic) blazed a narrow, yet clearly defined trail for African-American comedians in the 90s, softening the impact for edgy race-comedy that balanced upon the precarious line between funny and fucked up.

Films like “Lethal Weapon 4,” “Nothing To Lose,” and “Life” all recognized that the decade was ready to confront racism, but not without an empowered sense of humor. Wanda Sykes, Tracy Morgan, Damon Wayans (and all siblings) made names for themselves in the 90s not only through genuine comedic talent, but because they were willing to confront a serious issue with laughs. Hell, even when Hollywood tried to take racism seriously it turned out funny, the hilarious “Higher Learning” being a perfect example (It’s seriously about the most amusing thing released that decade). During the 1990s, at a time when discussions about race and ethnicity in the U.S. were hitting the highest discussion levels since the 60s, Hollywood turned to a new breed of African-American talent, and let them show the world that it was all kind of silly, and, consequently, capable of being funny.

7. The Cast of “Friends” Should Not Get Any More Movie Deals

This trend was ridiculous by any stretch of the imagination and it has mercifully slowed dramatically in recent years. Not only did this uninvited craptastic sitcom nightmare jump into every living room with a suicide-inducing theme-song and hackneyed characters something like four times a day due to almost immediate syndication, the cinemas were lousy with movies the cast crapped out (and there was a lot of crapping). In the years after the sitcom debuted, the six actors made 35 movies in the 90s. 35!! And it’s not like any of them pushed for challenging roles that stretched the bounds of their established television personas, going instead for safe romantic comedies and kids’ films that posed absolutely no threat to their established images.

Had one of the cast actually gotten crazy and starred as a hopelessly addicted heroin-whore, peddling $5 blow jobs in Patterson, N.J. (I’m looking at you, Schwimmer) that might have been something. Instead, we got roughly four thousand of these “Friends”-esque films that vaguely altered plot points and character histories to expand on a proven television character formula. To this day, while the cast gets considerably less screentime, the roles don’t deviate from the previous archetypes: Courtney Cox is about the only one of the six that seems to be making a push at something different. Her show “Dirt” didn’t last, which is a shame, not because it was good, but because I wouldn’t want to give any credence to the theory that she should ‘stick with what works.’ Once Schwimmer or LeBlanc make the aforementioned drug drama, or team up to battle West African poachers via “Predator”-like human-hunting and skinning rituals, I’ll check back in to see what’s going on. Until that day, however, I say keep the TV off, and those six bastards away from the big screen.

6. Videogames Do Not Make Good Movies

While you have to give Hollywood the nod for a good effort in trying to tap the fanboy market before such strategies proved out as successful, the 90s attempts made in this realm were lackluster and half-assed at best. It must have taken some balls for the first film exec to propose sinking a hundred or so million into a kindergarten-level plot scenario, especially when considering the depth of most videogame backstories. Let’s not even talk about the 1993 “Super Mario Bros.” movie that nearly killed off the videogame-to-movie genre (Hopper, you are still on my list for that nightmare), moving instead to “Street Fighter” and the miserable distinction that movie earns by clocking in as Raul Julia’s last credited role (disgraceful).

Not only did we get a film as mature and sophisticated as a box of Cracker Jacks, we got Van Damme taking himself seriously in a movie that couldn’t walk a straight line with a compass. “Double Dragon,” “Mortal Combat,” and the former’s unforgiveable sequel (which is too terrible to even mention aloud) rounded out a decade of shitty movies based on games. Sadly, unlike many other entries on this list, the film industry did not take heed of this painful 90s lesson, as they continue to crank out installment after installment of vomit-inducing game interpretations, including “Max Payne,” “Bloodrayne,” “Resident Evil” (and sequels), “Doom,” “Final Fantasy,” and many, many others. It’s not enough that when playing a game and waiting for the next action scene to load we’re often submerged in a veritable pool of half-assed story lines and unnecessary character expositions, but with these films we got extended stretches of this torture. Soon (I hope) people will stop seeing these crapasterpieces, the money will fail to cover costs, and once and for all, this shitty genre will be put to bed.

5. More Action and Special Effects Doesn’t Always Make a Film Better

Films like “Predator 2,” “Heat,” “Casino,” “Hot Shots Part Deux,” “Commando,” “Die Hard 2″ & “3,” and “True Lies” all respected a hollowed Hollywood tradition of killing faceless bad-guys by the bushel-full, side-stepping realistic plot points and character development for a finale bigger and louder than last summer’s (nothing wrong with that). Before critics began assessing movies on a kill-count scale and bemoaning the loss of low-budget person-pictures, studios in the 90s cranked out a seemingly endless line of balls-to-the-wall action pictures that took for granted the anxious, coke-addled audiences of the 1980s, and the rehab that calmed them all down. The studios had been able to get away with shallow action pics in the 80s as the CGI-less films weren’t all that expensive to make, and usually did moderate enough business to turn a profit. Hoping that they could simply plug in the correct stock actors and formulaic plots to turn out another $100+ million dollar cash-cow, films in the 90s sank more and more money into louder explosions, higher actor-premiums, and cross-market ad campaigns so that the diminishing returns for each summer’s watershed picture might re-coup the losses from the previous year’s disappointment.

When “Twister” and “Independence Day” hit big, the studios resigned themselves to a new strategy: keep the action, but inject more special effects! Hence, there came about the most unholy marriage in cinematic history: blind action laced seamlessly with unnecessary special effects. What was to follow was picture after picture trying to one-up the last, holding on desperately to their action formula whilst trying to kick up the water-cooler buzz with the newest developments in CGI. While these kinds of films did make money at first, the formula was not stable, and people quickly began abandoning these blockbuster pictures for the independent art-house films that started springing up at Sundance and Cannes. Indeed, expensive flops like “Volcano,” “Wild Wild West” and “Last Action Hero” signaled to many at the studios that some serious rethinking was in order if they were to move back into the black, choices that would entail making films about realistic people with actual problems, something that no doubt terrified Hollywood executives who had no experience with such foreign concepts.

4. Schwarzenegger and Stallone Are Not To Be Trusted

Riding the already-crested wave of “Rambo” and “Rocky” films into the 90s, it was “Cliffhanger” that convinced producers that Stallone could still turn in a buck. Schwarzenegger was practically untouchable at the beginning of the decade, cementing his astronomical per-film asking price with “Terminator 2″ and the river of money that followed from that. Yet as already discussed, the 90s thought the action trend would never die and hence kept casting Arnold and Sly in a series of gut-busting adventure pics that consistently underperformed compared to the previous offering. The signs were there with Seagal and Van Damme’s waning popularity in the mid-90s, indicating that the bastard offspring of greater men could no longer snatch the scraps from Sly and Arnold’s script rejection piles and make them work.

Even Sly and Arnold must have sensed it, as both began padding their bottom lines with attempts at softer roles, venturing into diabolically shameful exercises in crap such as “Stop, Or My Mom Will Shoot!” and “Junior.” By the second half of the decade, even the back-to-basics explosion epics weren’t selling any longer, films like “Assassins,” “Daylight,” “Eraser,” “End of Days,” and “Batman and Robin” (I just shit myself thinking about that movie, the pain 10+ years old, yet still fresh) falling with hallow thuds once released. While respect should be conveyed where due, and plenty of respect should be shown to epic 80s man-fests like “Terminator,” “Rocky IV,” and “Rambo II,” their time had simply passed. Like any pet or amusing creature that has lived a good life, and is now too old to rise without a quivering leg and spontaneous urine stream to match, Sly and Arnold should have been taken to the farm to live “in the country,” their capacity to amuse as dead as their careers.

3. Will Smith Is A More Profitable Actor Than Rapper

Rappers were turning out movies in the 90’s like it was going out of style! Ice Cube, Ice T, LL Cool J, Tupac, Snoop Dogg and ass-loads of other masters of the mic milked their success for every possible drop, makin’ paper six different ways from Sunday. And then there was Will Smith who, until the above-mentioned “Wild Wild West,” was absolutely unapproachable at the box office during the 90s, something he can brag about to this day as he’s still able to guarantee solid returns (though not always good films). Yet it’s hard to remember that in 1995, Will Smith was little more than another in a long line of rappers-turned-actors who just so happened to stumble into a pretty successful Martin Lawrence cop-vehicle the year before. It was this established “Bad Boys” credit that gave the producers enough confidence to cast Smith in their newest special FX dazzler (”Independence Day”), a July blockbuster that went on to redefine the summer movie season like no other film since “Jaws.”

“Men In Black” and an ocean of money followed, as did “Enemy of the State,” which proved every new movie of his did not need a hit single to accompany the release (though I’d be curious to see what the Fresh Prince could have cooked up for an espionage thriller cut). While he obviously took time to refine his craft via acting lessons and careful role choices, it’s amazing to think that there was ever a time that this guy didn’t own the unquestioned respect of the Hollywood machine, commanding eight-figure picture deals and admiration amongst his colleagues (which no longer consists solely of DJ Jazzy-Jeff).

2. Brad Pitt Can Act

Nobody predicted this, and for good reason, as the 1980s didn’t provide any real hope that good-looking men could achieve anything even remotely close to a believable performance. Richard Gere was the last to pull it off during the early 80s, and by the 90s he was fairly well resigned to making crappy romcoms to keep his accountant happy, leaving a void for respectably handsome men in demanding dramatic roles. Immediately making every woman on the planet wet with his topless turn in “Thelma and Louise,” Brad got his first big break with 1994’s “Legends of the Fall,” getting a co-star credit as the most tragically beautiful, misunderstood, and tortured man on earth in a role that hit with every woman, both living and dead. And to make sure he was tapping any available hidden revenues with the “dead” markets, 1994 also saw the release of Hollywood’s male dream team, “Interview With a Vampire,” pairing Brad up with Tom Cruise, Antonio Banderas, and Christian Slater.

Yet Brad did something nobody expected in the coming years: he began reading scripts. The evidence of this freakishly uncharacteristic Hollywood move is in the man’s resume, as he began accepting challenging, audience-offending roles like they were going out of style. 1995 provided “Se7en” and “12 Monkeys,” the latter blowing pretty much everybody watching out of the water for not only was Pitt decidedly NOT handsome in the role, but crazy as rat shit (and believably so). An understated co-starring role in “Sleepers” cemented his reputation in the business as a performer who could not only act, but read, as he was picking roles not for the paychecks, but for content. This all culminated in his career-defining turn in 1999’s “Fight Club,” a film that signaled the end of two hollow decades by turning a mirror on all 20 years, revealing to the world what lies hidden in the hearts of most young men standing in a historical void, seeking validation from a batch of years that gave almost nothing yet demanded everything. It was a stunning revelation, especially since it came from the man who, at the beginning of the decade, might easily have set himself up to become the unholy personification of empty commerce his Tyler Durden character likely would have strangled.

1. Ruining a Franchise is Quick, Tidy, and Easy

Our current decade has brought us a number of notable entries into the litany of ruined franchises (good Christ, et tu, “Indiana Jones”?), but the 90s swung one hell of a big stick as it concerned sunken cash cows. “The Godfather,” “Star Wars,” “Batman,” “Alien,” “Beverly Hills Cop,” “Child’s Play,” “Jurassic Park,” “The Prophecy”: all of them ruined by appalling sequels that annihilated any credit stored in the bank from previous successes. (The decade tried to kill “Rocky” as well, but Sly simply would not let Balboa go.) As if to signal the horrible promise of the 90s, Coppola dropped his pants and squeezed out a devastating first volley in a decade practically shot to pieces by shit-pics not worthy of straight-to-video release. Personally, I hate Sofia Coppola like doctors hate cancer, and this sentiment is at peak levels these days with the wounds inflicted by “Marie Antoinette” still not fully healed. It was at a young age that I learned to despise that vacant cow, watching, wincing, shuddering as she tried desperately to keep up with astronomically better actors and a script that obviously had way too many big words. And speaking of the script, even if F.F. Coppola had not cast his daughter, and instead went with somebody who actually knew what the hell they were doing, I can’t imagine anybody overcoming the tediously slow and uninteresting plot which kept people in their seats for what felt like nine years.

But to harp too much on Francis would be unfair, for what became of the “Batman” franchise was, if nothing else, fascinating, as each installment after Burton’s 1989 reboot edged Bruce Wayne et al closer and closer toward the campy nonsense that nearly killed the franchise in the 60s. And that’s not even mentioning what Spielberg did to pull an about-face and immediately ruin everything he had begat with the original “Jurassic Park” (keeping Goldblum center-stage in the sequel was a valiant attempt to crank up the awesome, but to no avail). And as for Lucas, you really have to give it up to the guy who not only gave us the first chunk of a three-part pooch-screw in 1999 (”Episode 1: The Phantom Menace”), but actually managed to go back and ruin three already-good films during the originals “Star Wars” trilogy’s re-release! Congrats, Mr. Lucas. Every couple of years you go out there and prove your critics wrong, shocking the world and all the pundits by consistently reinventing the capacities of suck for all connoisseurs of disaster to follow in your considerable wake. Take a bow, sir: you’ve earned it.

Tags: 10, 1990s, 90s, awful, bad, decade, films, movies, Taught, ten, things, top, Top 10 Lists, top ten, trends, us

This year will be remembered as the year that in-theater experiences went mainstream. Not only did James Cameron’s much-hyped IMAX 3D spectacular “Avatar” open to $77 million this past weekend, but movies in these formats were coming out on a consistent basis all year long and doing great business. Hopefully, filmmakers will continue to use 3D to enhance storytelling like “Coraline,” and not just use it as a gimmick. That said, the movies that made my list this year that were released in 3D or IMAX (#8 and #1) work just as well without them. Nothing beats a well-told story.

Runners-up: “The Road,” “A Serious Man,” “The Messenger,” “Coraline,” “Capitalism: A Love Story,” “Bruno,” “Fantastic Mr. Fox,” “Star Trek,” “District 9,” Drag Me to Hell.”

10. The Hurt Locker

Anchored by a quiet and commanding Jeremy Renner (as an Iraq War bomb diffuser), Kathryn Bigelow’s riveting movie works as both a suspense film and a character study. As Renner’s confident but dangerous veteran joins a new bomb squad, his conflicts with his new teammates begin to reveal the true nature of the man who must lead them. Bigelow is no stranger to men with adrenaline fetishes (she directed “Point Break” and “Strange Days”), but this movie is in a whole different ballpark. It’s a serious examination of what makes a man like him (no pun intended) tick.

9. The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans

Nicolas Cage is delightfully unhinged in this bizarre movie from iconoclast Werner Herzog that, despite its title, is not a remake of the 1992 Abel Ferrara film. Instead, it’s a noirish thriller that disregards the tenets of the genre about halfway through and heads down its own twisted, irresistible path. Cage hasn’t been this funny or riveting in years, and Herzog regards his protagonist with way more sympathy than one might expect for a guy who abuses hard narcotics and regularly hallucinates about lizards and breakdancing souls.

8. Up

The seven-minute montage of a married couple’s entire life together in this latest triumph from Pixar is the most moving short film in recent memory. What follows is a story about loss and learning to live that could have felt awfully familiar in lesser hands. Co-directors Pete Docter and Bob Peterson, however, combine expert storytelling with a crisply rendered animation style and enough clever ideas to fill three movies. Only Pixar would be able to make a movie where a man literally carries around his all of burdens—in the form of his house, elevated by balloons—on his back.

7. Sin Nombre

Cary Fukunaga’s powerful directorial debut tells the story of a wary Mexican gang member and a teenage Honduran girl stowing away on a train bound for the American border. The beautiful outdoor cinematography is a stark contrast to the hellish situations they find themselves in, while the naturalistic acting style lends more authenticity to the characters. It is an assured piece of work for a first feature film, and Fukunaga has a bright future ahead of him.

6. The Brothers Bloom

Doing a 360-degree turn from his minimalist teenage noir “Brick,” writer/director Rian Johnson turns to the con-man genre for this mischievous treat. Mark Ruffalo and Adrien Brody are artists—crooks who treat the long con like a literary work. In the middle of carrying out their masterpiece, one brother gets cold feet and falls in love with the intended victim (an eccentric heiress played by Rachel Weisz). Johnson mixes slapstick comedy, old-world European locations, and a surprising amount of danger into a clever and layered concoction that always keeps you guessing.

5. Anvil! The Story of Anvil

The best documentary of the year is a moving tale of determination, friendship, and courage—and it’s about a Canadian heavy metal band still plugging away at their career in their fifties. Director Sacha Gervasi was blessed not only with an infinitely charming main character (lead singer/guitarist “Lips”), but because he roadied for the band in his teens, he had their trust. This resulted in loads of revelatory interviews and fly-on-the-wall scenes that paint a fascinating picture of a band that refused to give up.

4. Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire

It may be a realistic portrait of an illiterate Harlem teenager, but director Lee Daniels’ “Precious” is also surprisingly impressionistic, getting inside the head of the title character (played so convincingly by newcomer Gabourey Sidibe). Mo’Nique is unflinchingly ferocious as Precious’ abusive welfare mother and Daniels coaches gritty performances out of an unrecognizable Mariah Carey and charming Lenny Kravitz as well. The movie is a disturbing yet somehow hopeful cry for help that suggests there may be a larger population of “precious” girls out there than anyone would care to admit.

3. Adventureland

Although it was marketed as a raunchy teenage comedy a la “Superbad,” this subtle film is actually a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age story from writer/director Greg Mottola. The movie doesn’t break new ground, but it captures all the apprehension and awkwardness of impending adulthood perfectly. A dialed-down cast (including Jesse Eisenberg, Kristen Stewart, Martin Starr, and Ryan Reynolds) hits all the right notes, as does its time-specific soundtrack. “Adventureland” is set in the pre-digital 80s, when personal connections were made face to face and, as such it retains a kind of nostalgia for those times.

2. Inglourious Basterds

Quentin Tarantino combines his love for spaghetti westerns and exploitation films to create a World War II film like none you’ve ever seen. More than a Jewish revenge fantasy, “Inglourious Basterds” is a love letter to the cinema that’s all about storytelling and the power of myth. Characters live and die by their reputation. Almost every scene is an interrogation of sorts with unforgettable performances from Christoph Waltz and Brad Pitt that go from menacing to hilarious in the same moment. In Tarantino’s world, the movies are always better than real life, and “Basterds” is no exception, with movies garnering the ultimate win.

1. Where the Wild Things Are

Spike Jonze’s movie of Maurice Sendak’s beloved children’s book is a shining example of the perfect adaptation. Parents were up in arms this year about how scary the film was and how it encouraged kids to act out—the same things that parents said about the book 46 years ago. What better compliment could there be? The film itself may be the most honest representation ever put to film of what it’s like to grow up. It doesn’t pander to kids. Rather, it takes those confusing and conflicting emotions very seriously. In the end, runaway Max (in an astonishingly naturalistic performance by newcomer Max Records) reconciles himself and—in the wordless closing scene—his relieved mother falls asleep watching her son eat. Beautiful.

Tags: 10, 2009, best, films, movies, ten, top, top 10 movies of 2009, year

Today’s Top 10 is a good one for the people who love Halloween but don’t like being scared as much as they like the costumes and fun of it all. Brian Reeves from Kansas City contributed this good-humored list of funny horror films. If you have a Top 10 list you’d like to contribute, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Brian:

Another Halloween is upon us, which means it’s time for costume parties, trick-or-treating with the kids, and scary movies. Well, not always “scary” movies. I consider myself a big horror movie buff. I’m the guy in college who watched every horror movie I could get my hands on. Good ones, bad ones I didn’t care, if it falls in the horror section, chances are I’ve seen it. But I figure there are going to be a lot of articles this week talking about scary movies you should watch for Halloween, so I’m going to take this one in a little different direction. I was originally going to write a list of the Top 10 reasons “Paranormal Activity” was a sucky movie, but I decided there was only so many creative ways to call a movie boring and uneventful. (Really, a slightly moving door and people standing in the dark is scary? Really?) Instead, I decided to have some fun with this list. After all, isn’t Halloween really about having fun? Dressing up as crazy things, getting together with your friends or family, and having a good time is what it’s all about. With that in mind, my thoughts immediately turned to one of my favorite films of the year, “Zombieland.” It’s a perfect combination of a few scares and good laughs–a perfect movie for this time of year. So with out further ado, here are my Top 10 fun movies to enjoy on Halloween.

10. Transylvania 6-5000 (1985)

Okay, there’s more comedy here then horror to start off, but this one is safe for the whole family. A movie financed by the Dow chemical company in order to spend “frozen” finances that the company had in Yugoslavia, this 80’s comedy takes us straight to the heart of classic monster country. Frankenstein has reappeared in Transylvania and an American tabloid wants in on the story. They dispatch two reporters, Jack Harrison (Jeff Goldblum) and Gil Turner (Ed Begley Jr.) to investigate. With Carol Kane, Geena Davis, Jeffery Jones, and Michael Richards all making appearances in the film, it’s like a name-that-actor trivia challenge for the adults in the room. The presence of the Wolfman, two hunchback lab assistants, and even a mummy makes sure all of the classic Transylvania monsters are present to get in on the fun. Campy, Cheesy, Perfect.

Gil Turner: Do you smell perfume?
Jack Harrison: Yes. I know what was in this room.
Gil Turner: What?
Jack Harrison: The Creature from Estee Lauder.

9. Mars Attacks! (1996)

I had a hard time deciding if this movie even belonged on the list since it’s really more sci-fi than horror. But then I decided, “Screw it. It’s my list anyway, who cares!” The first film from director Tim Burton to appear on this list, “Mars Attacks!” is a campy send-up of 1950s alien invasion movies. The premise here is simple: The aliens are invading, they do not come in peace, and what the hell are we going to do about it? It’s the little things here that keep this one so near and dear to my heart. From the rayguns that take their sound from “War of the Worlds” to the subtle background taken straight from “Plan 9 From Outer Space” when the aliens first address earth, this film really shows it’s love for old-style matinee B-movies. “Mars Attacks!” also features yet another cast that reads as a who’s who of Hollywood, with Jack Nicholson, Glenn Close, Annette Bening, Danny DeVito, Michael J. Fox and many, many more recognizable faces (including one of the early roles for Jack Black) all come together to make this easily the most impressive cast on this list.

President Dale: I want the people to know that they still have two out of three branches of the government working for them, and that ain’t bad.

8. The Frighteners (1996)

Looks like 1996 was a pretty good year. Long before he was spinning tales about hobbits and rings, Peter Jackson was making some amazingly twisted horror movies. And while I love “Bad Taste” and “Dead Alive,” the Michael J. Fox vehicle “The Frighteners” is his film that makes the most sense for this list. Fox plays Frank Bannister, a psychic who can see and talk to ghosts. He uses this skill to open his own ghostbusting business.I don’t want to give too much away with this one, just know that this movie is a rollercoaster thrill ride and here things are never quite what the seem. Featuring great supporting performances from Jake Busey and R. Lee Ermey, “The Frighteners” is sure put you on the edge of your seat and tickle your funny bone at the same time.

Frank Bannister: Why is it that flies stick to you guys like shit to a blanket?
Cyrus: Ha ha, very funny. You’re a funny guy, Frank. You know, all you think about is
yourself. I could complain, too, you know. I would like some new clothes. You get to dress
nice. Here I am still looking like Linc from The Mod Squad.
Frank Bannister: You died in the 70’s. It’s a bummer.

7. Bubba Ho-Tep (2002)

Elvis and JFK, both alive and in a nursing home, fight for the souls of their fellow residents as they battle an ancient Egyptian mummy. Yes, you read that correctly. All that needs to be known about this movie can be summed up in four words: Bruce Campbell as Elvis. Well, what are you waiting for, go watch it! I mean like, right now!

Elvis: Ask not what your rest home can do for you. Ask what you can do for your rest home.
JFK: Hey, you’re copying my best lines!
Elvis: Then let me paraphrase one of my own. Let’s take care of business.
JFK: Just what are you getting at, Elvis?
Elvis: I think you know what I’m gettin’ at Mr. President. We’re gonna kill us a mummy.

6. From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)

Welcome back. A little more serious than the movies on this list so far, this Quentin Tarantino-written, Robert Rodriguez-directed journey into a lair of Mexican vampires is a little hard to classify. It starts out as a Tarantino-like crime movie about two brother bank robbers on the run. They take a family hostage to cross into Mexico, and then abruptly it turns into a B-movie horror splatterfest. While some point to the film’s unevenness as a flaw, I think it just adds to the fun. It certainly keeps it from getting boring. George Clooney and Harvey Keitel both help the movie keep its serious side, while never undermining the B-movie late night fun this film is obviously intended to be. Danny Trejo and Tom Savini (the man behind the effects in the original “Friday the 13th” and “Dawn of the Dead”) appear in supporting roles.

Kate: Are you okay?
Seth: Peachy, Kate. The world’s my oyster, except for the fact that I just rammed a wooden
stake in my brother’s heart because he turned into a vampire, even though I don’t believe in
vampires. Aside from that unfortunate business, everything’s hunky-dory.

5. Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight (1995)

Ah yes, “Tales from the Crypt.” The HBO series that started in 1989 was always a favorite of mine. With this film, the premium cable series made its first and best transition to the big screen. The plot is fairly simple: A man carrying something very important holes up in a roadside motel while being chased by the forces of Hell itself. From there it becomes a simple survival tale. Who lives, who dies, who cares? Much like the television series, this film doesn’t take itself too seriously. And much like “From Dusk Till Dawn,” eventually this film becomes about the demon body count. With tongue firmly planted in cheek, Billy Zane, William Sadler, and Thomas Haden Church takes us through what the Crypt Keeper affectionately calls a “deadtime story.” This movie also has a killer soundtrack for any metalheads out there featuring music from Pantera, Machine Head, Biohazard, Minstry, Melvins and Sepultura.

Crypt Keeper: Fasten your drool cups, and ready your vomit bags! We’re going to the movies!
Frights, camera, action!

4. Planet Terror (2007)

Two words: Machine-gun leg! Robert Rodriguez makes his second showing on my list. The first half of the under-appreciated double feature “Grindhouse,” “Planet Terror” is an almost perfect homage to 70s B-level horror. A bio-virus is released on a small town and zombie style hi-jinks begin as El Wrey (Freddy Rodriguez), a man with a secret past, tries to save the town and the woman he loves. Rodriguez is able to again strike a nice balance between the horror and comedy. Purposely bad dialogue and plot holes galore (including a missing reel) are a great nod to the large number of terrible low-budget horror films that are released every year. But this movie never falls into the tedium that comes with most of the films “Planet Terror” parodies. Josh Brolin, Michael Biehn, Bruce Willis, and the smoking-hot Rose McGowan combine to give us yet another example of how Rodriguez can do big budget terror with a sly smile and Halloween fun sensibilities.

El Wray: I need someone to drive my truck.
Sheriff Hague: I’ll do it.
El Wray: You’re bleeding like a stuck pig. Your vision is probably blurred, and you’re on
your last leg…
Sheriff Hague: [sarcastic] Anything else?
El Wray: Don’t wreck it.

3. Beetlejuice (1988)

He’s the ghost with the most. Another Tim Burton film comes in at number three. It’s hard to imagine there’s anyone out there who hasn’t seen this Michael Keaton classic. In a role that was originally intended for Sammy Davis Jr., Keaton put on one of the iconic performances of his career as Beetlejuice. A recently deceased couple who’s stuck living in their own house for the afterlife wants to get rid of the new living family that’s moved in. They enlist the services of Beetlejuice to exorcise the living from their home. A wacky movie with ghosts, laughs, and island music numbers. This film is one of a kind. You know you love it, so go watch it again this Halloween.

Adam: What are your qualifications?
Betelgeuse: Ah. Well… I attended Juilliard… I’m a graduate of the Harvard business
school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good
time during that. I’ve seen the EXORCIST ABOUT A HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVEN TIMES, AND IT
KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT… NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU’RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY… NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK? You think I’m qualified?

2. Army of Darkness (1992)

The third film in Sam Raimi’s “Evil Dead” series, “Army of Darkness” takes the camp of the first two to an entirely different level. Ash (Bruce Campbell again) has been sucked through a vortex and ends up in medieval times. He then must begin his quest to find the Necromonicon. Raimi’s trademark style and Campbell’s one-liners make this about a much fun as you can have battling an army of the dead. I don’t know what else to say about this one except if you haven’t seen it, I don’t think we can be friends anymore. There are simply too many great lines from this movie to pick just one, but I suppose I’ll have to try.

Ash: Alright you Primitive Screwheads, listen up! You see this? This… is my boomstick! The twelve-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart’s top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That’s right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about a hundred and nine, ninety five. It’s got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That’s right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. You got that?

1. Ghostbusters (1984)

If I have to tell you why this is number one then you haven’t seen “Zombieland” yet and that, my friends, is a true shame. Go see it and then re-live this Ivan Reitman-directed classic. It still makes me laugh out loud every time I watch it. Happy Halloween, everybody!

Dr. Peter Venkman: Alice, I’m going to ask you a couple of standard questions, okay? Have you or any of your family been diagnosed schizophrenic? Mentally incompetent?
Librarian Alice: My uncle thought he was Saint Jerome.
Dr. Peter Venkman: I’d call that a big yes.

Tags: 10, best, films, fun, funny, halloween, horror, lighthearted, movies, ten, top, Top 10 Fun Movies for Halloween, Top Ten Fun Movies for Halloween

A couple of years ago, I wrote a list of Top 10 Overlooked Scary Movies that got spread around the Web quite a bit. Best of all, the comment section became a great place for people to recommend other horror flicks that may not have received the attention they deserve. Today’s new list is kind of a companion piece to that one. If you are tired of renting the same stupid remakes and played-out franchises every Halloween, try some of these suggestions on for size. Some are scary (even though they may not be traditional horror movies) and some are campy, but each one of the films below has something special about it. You should seriously consider renting any of the following that you haven’t seen this Halloween.

If you have your own idea for a Top 10 list, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com.

10. Opera (1987)

This certainly isn’t the most solid movie of Italian giallo master Dario Argento’s career, but it contains two of his most visually impressive set pieces. Not known for concise (or even rational) plotting, some of Argento’s movies work better as rough frameworks that only exist to showcase a couple of inspired scenes of murder and mayhem. In this case, the central premise is based on something Argento used to joke about doing to audiences that wanted to turn away from the intense gore in his films: taping needles to their eyelids to force them to stay open. A killer stalks the movie’s heroine and does just that, forcing her to watch as he kills her friends. This movie really is all about the spectator and the eye itself. Set piece one: A flashy crane shot follows crows as they fly over the audience during an opera and descend upon a killer’s eyes. Number two: A slo-mo close-up of a bullet as its fired through a peephole in a door and–you guessed it–into someone’s eye! Yikes.

9. Sleepy Hollow (1999)

Loosely based on Washington Irving’s classic “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow,” this dark and funny Tim Burton movie finds the director and his favorite star (Johnny Depp, of course) having a ball upending conventions. Depp plays Ichabod Crane not as a standard hero but as an outsider–a nerdy, frightened man of science who can’t quite fathom the fact that the decapitations he’s come from New York City to investigate seem to be supernatural in nature. Christopher Walken portrays the Headless Horseman (when his head is visible), and the Oscar-winning art direction creates a spooky, mist-filled tangle of trees and forced perspectives. It may not be Depp’s funniest Burton role (that distinction belongs to “Ed Wood”), but the star’s quirky take on Crane make it loads of fun. In addition, “Sleepy Hollow” is a surprisingly violent and gorgeous movie to look at.

8. Near Dark (1987)

Unless you already knew going in, you’d likely never guess that the same woman who directed this year’s Iraq bomb-squad drama “The Hurt Locker” also helmed this twisted little vampire family story back in the late 80s. Kathryn Bigelow has always been interested in characters who crave danger (see “Point Break”), but Bill Paxton’s performance as psychopathic vampire Severen is so over-the-top cruel that he’s as funny as he is threatening. When a young cowboy in Oklahoma (Adrian Pasdar) gets turned into a vampire by a sexy young drifter (Jenny Wright), he is forced to “meet the parents,” so to speak, and enters the dangerous world of a group of vamps who live in a camper. The ending is kind of a cop-out, but Bigelow’s combination of the Western and the vampire movie has as many memorable landscape shots as it does moments of genuine tension and funny dialogue.

7. Magic (1978)

Speaking of people who you wouldn’t think would be working in the horror genre, this movie is full of prestige Hollywood personalities. Anthony Hopkins plays a creepy magician-turned-ventriloquist named Corky who spends almost as much time killing people as he does talking to his dummy Fats. Adapted by William Goldman (”Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid,” “All The President’s Men,” “The Princess Bride”) from his novel and directed by Richard Attenborough (”Gandhi”), “Magic” is a true oddity. It starts off as a low-key (but still off-kilter) psychological examination of a person with multiple personality disorder. As Corky’s madness progresses, however, so does his temper. The scenes between Hopkins and Ann-Margret (who is the object of Corky’s unhealthy obsession) are a weird mix of tenderness and nail-biting restlessness. Burgess Meredith is also on hand to play Corky’s slimy but effective manager.

6. Slither (2006)

Sexual frustration manifests itself in the form of slimy little slugs that come from outer space in this sly and campy horror film from director James Gunn. Like a mash-up of David Cronenberg (”Dead Ringers”) and the Troma studio (”The Toxic Avenger”), “Slither” combines the desires of the flesh and the absurdity of campy horror into an inspired concoction. Nathan Fillion is the small town sheriff who must make sense of it all while still pining for his high school sweetheart (Elizabeth Banks). She’s unfortunately married to Grant Grant (Michael Rooker), the richest man in town, whose sudden ravenous desires lead to the disappearances of local pets and some strange physical deformities. “Slither” successfully combines fast-moving CGI elements that true B-movies can’t afford with the more traditional lumbering (and often hilarious) creature effects that can make them so fun to laugh at. The whole thing is  put together with a smart and silly sense of humor.

5. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)

Director Philip Kaufman (”The Right Stuff”) directed this sci-fi/horror remake, which is unique because it’s one of the rare remakes that’s actually better than the original (Don Seigel’s 1956 film of the same name). Replacing Seigel’s Cold War metaphor with a satire of the “me” decade and all of its excesses, Kaufman peppers his movie with hippies, poets, and an evil pop psychiatrist played by Leonard Nimoy. As Donald Sutherland and Brooke Adams try to uncover the truth about an alien race that’s replacing humans with unfeeling duplicates, Kaufman lays on the paranoia as thick as the parody. The result is a movie that is by turns genuinely creepy and clever.

4. An American Werewolf in London (1981)

John Landis pulls off the same feat here. Besides the Oscar-winning werewolf transformation scene by legendary make-up artist Rick Baker, this movie has a lot of other shocking and sometimes very scary moments. But it also features some of the funniest bits in any horror movie ever, as a graphically decomposing Griffin Dunne continues to haunt his old pal David Naughton (who is turning into a werewolf now) and annoy the living crap out of him. Landis mixes up fantasy/nightmare sequences to catch the audience off guard, and the gory scenes are few and far between, but this also heightens their effect.

3. Videodrome (1983)

Universal is set to remake this unsettling David Cronenberg movie (Why oh why?) that features James Woods as a public-access TV channel owner who programs a mysterious show that mesmerizes viewers by showing scenes of torture and murder. He has higher aspirations than using the snuff film for cheap entertainment, however. Cronenberg was way ahead of the curve in predicting the huge volume of TV screens that would be available and the enormous influence they would have in the future. He may not have predicted that we’d be watching tiny screens on our cell phones, but his perverted take on media had video physically melding with people’s bodies, resulting in the cult movie’s catch phrase “Long live the new flesh!” A remake that updates the technology won’t have the time-specific cultural references and may just miss the point altogether. See the original soon.

2. Eyes Without a Face, or Les yeux sans visage (1960)

Even though this disturbing French flick is widely considered a classic now (it’s available on Criterion DVD after all), I talk to people all the time who have never seen it. Georges Franju went from documentaries to directing this controversial horror film about a doctor who kidnaps young women and surgically removes their faces in an attempt to graft them onto his daughter’s, after hers was mutilated in a car accident. The psychological complexity of the three lead characters is rare for a horror movie, as is the beautiful black-and-white cinematography and the matter-of-fact handling of the plot’s more sordid details. Besides retaining much of its original shock value almost 50 years later, “Eyes Without a Face” also burns its haunting images into your brain forever. The young daughter’s white, expressionless mask was the inspiration for John Carpenter to similarly hide Michael Myers’ face in the orginal “Halloween.”

1. Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (1986)

It may not be considered a strict horror movie, but it’s certainly the most terrifying film on this list. Especially when viewed in the same faux-documentary light as “Paranormal Activity,” “Henry” renders the act of murder in a far more banal and realistic manner. John McNaughton loosely based this harrowing no-budget film on real-life killer Henry Lee Lucas. Although it isn’t designed to make you think it’s a documentary, the dispassionate acting and lack of a budget make it sometimes feels like one. Michael Rooker portrays Henry as an aimless, soulless man whose existence is so dulled that he finds a purpose in life only after he begins to murder others and videotape it. The movie was considered so gruesome that it sat on a shelf for three years gathering dust before Oscar-winning documentarian Errol Morris dusted it off to sponsor a showing at the Telluride Film Festival. Since then, the unrated movie been the subject of much debate due to its startlingly violent palette and authentic style. Warning: Do not watch this one alone.

Tags: 10, best, dvd, films, halloween, horror, movies, rentals, scariest, scary, ten, top, Top 10 Horror Movies You Should Rent, Top Ten Horror Movies You Should Rent

Just after Scene-Stealers panned Rob Zombie’s “Halloween II” (a nice discussion about the movie is brewing right here, by the way) and since I included two horror movies (one from this list) on a list of Top 10 Pointless Remakes, we have received a passionate plea for respect of the modern horror remake pandemic. Bill Heinen has jumped into the fray, defending these films on his own terms, and has produced this list of the Top 10 Best Modern Horror Remakes. If you have a list you’d like to contribute, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Bill:

Well, here we are right after opening weekend for both “The Final Destination” and “Halloween II” and just before my favorite cinematic time of the year: the Fall, or as I like to call it, “horror season.” After both thriving and then dying in the 80s, only to be resurrected (somewhat, but never to the extent of the 80s) in the mid 90s, slasher films are back, and remakes of some classic slashers are popping up all over the place. (If you’re really into the history of the slasher, I recommend “Going to Pieces,” one of the best horror docs I’ve ever seen.)

In just the past five years, we’ve had three classic horror films - including the father of all slashers - completely overhauled with a sleeker, glossier, and one could easily say, sexier approach. And there are plenty more coming, including a new take on Freddy Krueger as more a pedophile and less a dream-monster in the upcoming “A Nightmare on Elm Street,” and Shannon Elizabeth playing every horror nerd’s favorite party hostess, Angela, in the “Night of the Demons” remake. I’ve been looking into a lot of online rumors about horror remakes that are yet to come, including Raimi’s absolutely fantastic cult classic “The Evil Dead,” to a new, improved Chucky in a “Child’s Play” remake. And, like me, most horror fans are somewhat irritated, hoping producers shouldn’t tread on films that are far from perfect, and yet perfect in their own ridiculous ways.

I personally am a huge fan of cheesy 80s horror films - you know, the ones with zero plot, fake-looking blood all over the screen, a lot of barely-clad coeds, and someone with a vendetta, a power-saw, a screwdriver, a drill, and of course, the ol’ standby, a nice big knife. That said, because I’m such a fan of these films, and by no means a tenured film critic, I have to give Hollywood some credit for at least making some interesting remakes that may not do the original film justice, but are a bloody good time in their own right. So, because we have plenty more to look forward to (or dread, depending on where you stand when it comes to these movies), here’s a list of my top 10 horror remakes thus far. Final Note: I am not going to dive into the plots of most of these, just my reasons for thinking they are decent remakes. Enjoy, and bring on the comments.

10. Shutter (2008)

Yes, Joshua Jackson is in a horror film. Yes, it is a remake of a Japanese horror flick, and many horror connoisseurs claim that Japanese horror is the best horror. I am definitely not one of them. And yes, this movie has some wonderfully creepy moments. One thing I loved about this very underrated movie is that the ghost isn’t grotesquely scary, i.e. “The Ring” or “The Grudge”; faces don’t get morphed into frozen expressions of sheer terror. The film is a little more subtle than that. Instead, we get (pardon the expression) snapshots of a supernatural nature. In the vein of films such as “Stir of Echoes” and “What Lies Beneath,” our photo-friendly ghost leaves clues for Jackson’s wife, helping her discover an ugly truth about her husband’s past. It is kind of predictable, but the moments of discovery in this film are actually unsettling, culminating in Jackson’s realization at the end that the source of his neck pain is more than just a bad mattress. I could watch that scene again and again. Not a great film, but good enough to hit number 10 on the list.

9. Night of the Living Dead (1990)

Just so we’re clear, I am talking about the remake directed by Tom Savini (the makeup and effects god of horror/slasher cinema), not the horribly crappy 3D version that should have never, ever been made. Savini knows horror; he’s had a hand in tons of slashers since the original “Friday the 13th,” and he understands what this kind of audience wants: blood, and lots of it. There are plenty of heads lopped off, limbs scattered and flung around, and, of course, zombies ravenously eating the living. Barbara isn’t a neurotic nut-job like she is in Romero’s classic; instead, she’s blowing away zombies left and right, taking charge of the situation and calling out orders like a platoon sergeant. While I think the original is probably one of the best horror films ever made, Savini had fun with this and it shows.

8. Quarantine (2008)

This one is actually closest to its source material, the Spanish film “[Rec].” If you haven’t seen the original, check it out. Even with subtitles, it’s fantastic. I saw this movie in a huge theatre and made the mistake of sitting in the front row. I can handle rollercoasters just fine, and this film, at that vantage point, made me dizzy as hell. When I rented it and watched it from the comfort of my couch, I realized it really is pretty dizzying regardless. But so is the original. Like “28 Days Later,” one of the best zombie films ever made (and completely redefined the genre, but that is for another discussion), this movie deals with an infection that rapidly spreads and immediately changes one’s nature as opposed to having the dead rise from their graves in search of tasty flesh. A fair amount of violence and gore, a LOT of jump scares (which I still think are the best kind), and plenty of terrifying night-vision episodes of cat-and-mouse, hunter-and-the-hunted sort of thing. I liked it a lot more than I expected to, so it makes the cut at number 8.

7. Last House on the Left (2009)

OK, so the original somehow, and I have no idea how, seemed so much more tame after viewing this remake. Probably because it was filmed in 1972 and there were a lot of barriers that Wes Craven couldn’t cross, as groundbreaking as it was. I can barely stand to watch rape onscreen, and LHOTL’s unrated version had a pretty long rape, the worst part being that instead of explicitly showing the event, we hear it, we see the sweat and dirt on the victim’s forehead and chin, her knuckles fruitlessly grasping at leaves, and the rapist’s son watching with a blend of horror, guilt, and the calm of a Zen monk. You can feel this scene, and it’s gut-wrenching. I don’t want to sound like a sadist here, but watching the murders of the rapist’s friends later is actually a lot of fun, his brother’s death being my favorite (a bottle of wine and a hammer in the head, plus a few fingers in the kitchen sink? awesome. fucking awesome). Yes, the ending is lame (and by that I mean the going off into the sunrise and ‘everything’s gonna be ok’ part, NOT the microwaved face, which was great), but it works overall.

6. Dawn of the Dead (2004)

I really don’t need to justify this being number 6 on the list, I just need to say two words: zombie baby. That’s right, a fuckin’ screaming, shitting, flesh-eating zombie baby. This movie didn’t have the sociological commentary like the original (claiming consumers are much like zombies, people in death do what they did in life, as in shop compulsively without knowing why, etc.), but what it did have was a lot of action. And I mean a LOT. The movie starts with a bang, probably one of my favorite horror intros ever, and only lets up a few times when everyone is in the mall doing somewhat “human” things. The escape from the mall in the armored truck with chainsaws taking out body parts all over the place was pretty great too. And Sarah Polley is not too hard to look at, especially when she’s kicking undead ass.

5. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

Leatherface is one of the most mysterious horror icons. He apparently is the product of a bunch of ass-backward inbred butchers who decided a while back to stay in a deserted Texas town and murder and eat anyone unlucky enough to stumble across their way. Still, it’s never explained what prompts this individual to wear other people’s faces or hunt them down with a chainsaw - a very heavy, not-too-pragmatic murder weapon. The remake came out 29 years after the original, and while the first had plenty of scary, shocking moments, this one beats it with more violence, more gore, and waaaayyyy more cruelty. Slamming a bag of salt on an amputated leg while hanging him on a meathook … ouch. The movie had a lot of chases, with Jessica Biel having to run and fight with all she has. By the end, after the ordeal she’s had, after seeing her boyfriend’s peeled face hanging off his killer’s head, after killing her friend to ease his pain, it’s actually somewhat believable that she becomes such a badass and kills the fuck out of the sheriff. This is truly one of those very rare horror remakes that I ended up liking more than the original.

4. My Bloody Valentine 3D (2009)

This remake is a LOT of fun, and it is, without a doubt, the best 3D horror film ever made. Not like that’s saying a ton, but it’s something. Just like the original, the town thinks Harry Warden is dead and gone, and then the murders start up all over again. And in both films, the killer isn’t Harry at all (well, in the beginning of both films it is, but not at the conclusion). So the remake kept that part of the original … and that’s about it. The deaths in the original were more left up to the viewer’s imagination, whereas in the remake, through 3D lenses, we get to view eyeballs popping out, guts being strewn all over porches, and pickaxes flying towards us. It’s violent as all hell, it’s reckless and gory, and it’s basically a lot of running and killing. My kind of movie.

3. Halloween II (2009)

I am not pleased with two things in this movie, so I’m gonna list those first:

1. The first scene. It really doesn’t set the stage well. It showcases some bad acting from Sheri Moon Zombie, and the young Michael isn’t as evil-looking as Daeg from Zombie’s “Halloween.”

2. The mother/son Freudian thing and the Jungian/archetype thing with the white horse. Just didn’t work for me one bit. I thought it was pretty much a waste of time, though I guess it somewhat explained Myers’ purpose.

OK, that being said, I loved this movie. Now, I am biased, as I think Rob Zombie is the best horror director out there today, but it was fucking fantastic. As with his first “Halloween,” you really feel the force of Myers’ stabs, and it’s impressive and scary just how strong and powerful he is. Somehow, Zombie makes it hurt to watch, and it is graphic, but only for glimpses and seconds at a time. The original “Halloween II” (1981) took place entirely in a dimly-lit hospital with Jamie Lee Curtis basically hiding the entire time. It was somewhat scary, but not nearly as much as the first film. Though the hospital scene in Zombie’s is about 10 minutes long, it is by far scarier and more realistic than original director Rick Rosenthal’s. When she is stuck in the guard’s booth in the rainy dead of the night and Michael is slashing away at the walls, it’s hard not to feel how helpless Laurie really is. Annie’s death scene may be one of the most tragically sad and horrific scenes in the series, and her murder isn’t even completely shown onscreen. Laurie’s transformation from all-American good girl to understanding her true roots (“Angel O Myers”) is fairly devastating and uncomfortable, and you feel more empathy for her than any other Zombie character, in my opinion. Finally, this film will piss off a LOT of horror fans, or fans of Rob Zombie; it’s not simply a slasher movie, it’s a very artistic/archetypal/symbolic version of a slasher movie. That being said, I thought it was done in a beautifully horrific manner, with some shots that are hauntingly pulchritudinous.

2. Friday the 13th (2009)

OK, I might get some shit for the final two on my list, but I don’t care. There are plenty of reasons why I feel this remake was fantastic, and I’ll start with what my favorite kinds of horror films are all about: lots of breasts, lots of deaths. This movie was not only a damn good rehash of Crystal Lake massacres, it was basically a 90-minute homage to past films of the series. Instead of Jason’s mother being the killer throughout the entire movie, we see her for about a minute during the opening credits … and then we see her lose her head. I’ve talked to tons of my horror-nerd friends and we all agree that Jason is the centerpiece of the “Friday the 13th” world, not his mother, and we get both versions of Jason: potato-sack Jason, and of course, hockey-mask Jason. I’d say about half of the deaths in this film, while creative in their own right, definitely borrowed from previous films, which really excited me. Throughout my first viewing I kept thinking about how he jumped through the glass in part 5, how he used a bow and arrow (well, a harpoon really) in part 3, how he used a sleeping bag to kill someone in part 6, etc. It really was a lot of fun, and that’s what this franchise really is all about. Well, fun and buckets of blood, I suppose, but Glenn Danzig put it best when he was singing for Samhain as he chanted, “All murder, all guts, all fun.” Another thing I loved about this remake was that Jason was presented more as a highly-skilled hunter defending his land, and he defends it with a brutal force. Hell of a flick.

1. Halloween (2007)

I’m going to begin my explanation for our number one on the list by telling you all what my good friend and fellow horror guru (he actually knows WAY more about horror films than I) Kevin said after we left the theatre: “I’ve seen a lot of horror movies, and most of them in theatres, and I have never felt the way I feel right now after a movie. I have never seen something like that on screen.” And I couldn’t agree more. Rob Zombie gives us a brilliant retelling of not only the events in Carpenter’s classic boogeyman feature, but he allows us to understand that Michael Myers’ homicidal tendencies are not the result of a pagan curse or astrological anomalies (see “Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers”), it simply stems from an intensely fucked-up childhood. Malcolm McDowell was a genius choice for Dr. Loomis, played originally by the great Donald Pleasance, and he was a drawing point for many people that may not have gone to see this movie for any other reason. The movie is completely unapologetic, it is brutally in-your-face, and it doesn’t let up. At all. From young Myers beating a fellow classmate to death with a large stick to adult Myers chasing his sister through a decrepit, abandoned home, tearing up floorboards and constantly slashing inches behind her, this movie is incredibly intense. Of all the horror franchises, the “Halloween” films are my favorite. Something about Michael Myers is less hokey than Jason, less comical and silly than Freddy Krueger; he’s just evil incarnate, and he doesn’t even show a passion for killing. He simply kills. Zombie may not have used too much suspense or tension or cat-and-mouse tactics that made the original such a joy to watch, but he makes up for it with a sadistic intensity that I don’t believe any remake so far has matched.

Tags: 10, best, films, horror remakes, list, movies, slasher, ten, to, Top 10 Modern Horror Remakes, Top Ten Modern Horror Remakes

Today’s list comes to us from Sean O’Connell, a New York City-based writer who also has also contributed his Top 10 Movie Brothers and Top 10 Rain Scenes. Thanks to Sean for another great list! If you have a Top 10 you’d like to contribute, email me at eric@scene-stealers.com. Here’s Sean:

Every day I take the subway to work, it is usually an hour commute into Manhattan. There is always this married couple that gets to the station the same time as me and are on the train for a majority of my ride. They look like the perfect couple on the outside, but it turns out the husband is a real jerk. He always blames her if they missed the train, or if they are running late, or he does not have enough money on him to get on the train. As he consistently blames her for everything short of the demise of the economy, she just sits there and takes the verbal abuse. So listening to them fight over the last six months got me to thinking, there have also been a lot of horrible husbands portrayed on the big screen. I know there have been some awful wives in Hollywood as well, but I am keeping this list dedicated to the awful husbands. Some honorable mentions that did not make the cut, Michael Caine in “Hannah & Her Sisters” (he has an affair with his wife’s sister), Ray Liota in “Goodfellas” (he cheats on his wife throughout the whole movie), and John Cassavetes in “Rosemary’s Baby” (he whores his wife out to the devil). So without further ado, here are the Top 10 Worst Husbands in Movie History.

10. Roy Neary - Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977)

I know right off the bat that many people will disagree with this one, but hear me out first. Forget the plot of the movie and just look at his actions. When we first see Roy Neary (Richard Dreyfuss), he is trying to teach his son how to do fractions. His wife Ronnie (Terry Garr) is cleaning the house trying to get her husband’s attention, while he just ignores her and gives one word answers to her questions. Then after Roy sees the UFOs, he wakes up his whole family to go see the site where he had his encounter. Ronnie does her best to believe him, and all she wants in return is to be held and kissed like they used to do. Roy, in turn, pretends to kiss her while still looking up in the sky. Then when Roy is promptly fired for not showing up to work, does he deal with this? No. He leaves it all up to Ronnie. Then when Ronnie feels it is time to have a serious talk about Roy’s insane behavior, she finds him in the shower fully clothed. At the end of the movie, everyone is always happy that Roy gets on the spaceship. I see it for what it is: He is running away from his responsibilities to his family. Instead of trying to go to counseling to try and save his marriage, he jumps on the first alien ship out of here. Spielberg was quoted years later as saying that you can tell he was single when he made this movie because now that he is a family man he would never have let Roy get on UFO and leave his family behind.

Worst Husband Moment: Roy’s attempt to save his marriage leads him to instead destroying his house by building an extra large model of Devil’s Tower in his living room. He uses garbage, dirt, mud, bushes, and chicken wire. This act is what ultimately chases Ronnie away.

9. Earl Hunterson - Waitress (2007)

The culprit in this movie is Earl Hunterson portrayed by Jeremy Sisto. Earl’s wife Jenna (Keri Russell) works as a waitress at the local diner where her specialty is making pies for any occasion. Really her pie making is an escape from the horrible marriage that she has gotten herself into. We find out Earl is bad news from the beginning of the movie because Jenna wants to hide her pregnancy from her husband. The last time I checked this is supposed to be a happy event. Anyway, Earl can always be heard coming in the scene because he beeps his car horn constantly when he picks Jenna up from work. One beep will do, but he has to be a jerk. He also takes all her money that she earned because a husband is in charge of the money in his eyes. Then when he finds the money Jenna had been hiding all around the house, money she was going to use to help her escape from him, he promptly flips out. He destroys a table at her best friend’s wedding, makes her come home, and then offers to buy a camcorder with the money so they can make sex films (that is if she can get back into shape after she has the baby). When Jenna finally gets the courage up to leave Earl, she goes to the bus stop. Earl beeps his way there, stops her before she gets on, and slaps her across the face. Striking a woman, let alone your pregnant wife, will instantly get you on the top 10.

Worst Husband Moment: When Earl finds out that Jenna is pregnant, he says she can only have the baby if she agrees to never love the baby more than him. WTF? How insecure can one person be? Well his reminder of the agreement after the birth of their daughter is what prompts Jenna to finally tell Earl to hit the bricks.

8. Monk - Purple Rose of Cairo (1985)

Next up on our list is Monk, played by Danny Aiello. Monk does not have much screen time in this movie but his actions as a husband have a significant impact on the movie. The wife here is Cecilia (Mia Farrow), who is a waitress in a local diner–wait, is there a trend here? Are all movie waitresses married to jerks? P.S. “Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore” doesn’t count because she wasn’t married to Harvey Keitel or Kris Kristofferson. So back to “Purple Rose,” after Cecilia works a hard day at the diner, she has to give her money to Monk who is out of work. Monk doesn’t pay bills with the money; he plays craps with his “friends” instead. By the way Monk is out of work and is playing craps when he is supposed to be out looking for a job. She tries many times to leave Monk but he always reminds her that she will be back because she has nowhere else to go. So the only escape she has from her awful marriage and constant beatings from her husband (we never see Monk hit her but he always reminds her that he will slap her silly again) is the movies. She goes everyday to see the same film, “The Purple Rose of Cairo.” Her devotion to the film leads to one of the characters stepping out of the film and insanity ensues. At the end though (SPOILER!), Cecilia does not get to run away to Hollywood with her new handsome actor boyfriend because he ditches her once the problems are solved. She is instead stuck in the movie theater again reminded that she has to go home to Monk because she has no other choices in life.

Worst Husband Moment: When Monk gets caught having an affair, he tries to convince Cecilia that it is her fault. He tells her he shouldn’t be left alone, that she should know how he gets when he drinks.

7. Prof. Humbert Humbert - Lolita (1962)

OK, the first three husbands were nothing compared to the next seven. “Lolita” … how do I even begin to explain how bad of a husband Humbert (James Mason) really is? For starters, he only marries Charlotte Hayes (Shelly Winters) so he can be closer to her underage (way underage) daughter Dolores (Lolita). Charlotte, who has no clue to what Humbert’s intentions are, sends Lolita away to summer camp. This makes Humbert depressed but he counts the days until she returns. When newlywed Humbert finds out that Charlotte plans to send Lolita to boarding school so that they can spend even more quiet time together, he becomes more withdrawn. Charlotte eventually finds his diary where he explains his ridiculous love for Lolita. This sends Charlotte into a frenzy and she wants Humbert out of the house, the great husband that Humbert is, he decides he is going to shoot Charlotte and make it look like a suicide. Well Charlotte beats him to the punch, while attempting to escape from Humbert she is hit by a car and dies. This news makes Humbert excited and he goes and gets drunk while taking a bath. Of course everyone just thinks that he is in denial. The rest of the movie just goes on to show that Humbert can also be a bad stepfather as well.

Worst Husband Moment: When Charlotte tries to seduce Humbert, the only way he can fulfill his husbandly duties is by staring at a framed picture of Lolita.

6. Ike Turner Sr. – What’s Love Got To Do With It (1993)

Good old Ike is the only real-life bad husband to make the list, but I’m sure there will be more to follow in the future years (the eventual O.J./Robert Blake/Jonathan Gosselin movie). Laurence Fishburne, who brilliantly portrayed Ike Turner, is the first of the movie husbands on this list to be nominated for an Academy Award. Ike is a selfish jerk of a husband who is jealous of his wife Tina’s (Angela Bassett) career. When they first meet, it seems like everything is going to be great between the two musicians, but we quickly get glimpses of the rage that lies beneath Ike Turner. Ike is constantly beating and berating Tina to the point that she doesn’t know if she is coming or going. He always reminds her that he MADE her, and that she would be nothing without him. Well, Tina eventually gets up the courage and decides to leave Ike, but the great man that he is, he decides that she can’t have her name; he thinks he owns it. Tina’s real name was Anna Mae Bullock and Ike felt the Turner name was his. He even says, “The name is mine. The name got my daddy’s blood on it. If she wanna go, she can go wherever she wanna go, but the name stays home!” What kind of a sick man thinks he owns a name? We all know that Tina gets her name in the end.

Worst Husband Moment: After a recording session, Ike throws everyone out of the studio. He then starts to hit Tina, and then rape her while screaming like an animal. Every time I watch this movie I find that this is the hardest scene to sit through.

5. Carlo Rizzi – The Godfather (1972)

Now, to be fair “The Godfather” has its share of bad husbands. Sonny Corleone cheating on his wife at his sister’s wedding and Michael Corleone lying right to his wife’s face at the end of the movie, but it is Carlo (Gianni Russo) who takes the prize. It starts out the way like many of the other bad movie marriages start where everything is great. Carlos and Connie (Talia Shire) have a storybook wedding that would make any couple blush. We eventually find out that Carlo only married Connie with dreams of one day joining the family business. When Sonny keeps shunning Carlo from family meetings, Carlo starts to take his frustrations out on Connie and ultimately decides to take matters in to his own hands. He makes a deal with two of the other rival mafia families to help take Sonny (James Caan) out. In order to achieve this, he must trick Sonny into one of his famous fits of rage. So Carlo decides to start going out all night, having affairs and having his mistress call the house looking for him. All of this makes Connie upset and forces her to confront Carlo. Carlo will not be confronted and decides to not once but twice beat his wife. Also, Carlo is the second husband on this list that hit his pregnant wife. Carlos is the first of our bad husbands who gets his in the end. Michael (Al Pacino) saw through Carlo’s little games and had him strangled on the day of his child’s christening.

Worse Husband Moment: The second time Carlo beats his wife, he first tells her to clean up all the dishes she broke. He then calls her a racial name and then chases her to the bathroom and beats her with his belt.

4. Martin Burney – Sleeping With The Enemy (1991)

First things first: By no means do I find this to be a good movie, but Martin Burney (Patrick Bergin) is one bad husband. The reason I felt compelled to put him up so high the list is because of what his wife Laura (Julia Roberts) planned to do just to get away from him. Here is a girl that knew divorce would not be enough, that he would always terrorize her. He was abusive, possessive, and got jealous when a neighbor would just say hi. So she decides she is going to fake her own death. Laura is petrified of the ocean and has never learned to swim. Martin convinces her to go out sailing with her one night. A storm comes and Laura is knocked overboard. Speaking of overboard, the husband in the 1987 classic comedy “Overboard” (Grant Stayton III, played by Edward Herrmann) was not so great himself. Anyway, so Martin is lead to believe his wife had drowned. End of marriage and Martin will be forced to move on. Well we find out that Laura had planned this night for months. She was taking swimming lessons so she would be able to swim to shore. She even faked her own mother’s death and moved her into a nursing home with a different name months before she faked her own death just so she could still visit her. When she did visit her blind mother, she went in disguise just in case. Now come on, all this planning instead of a divorce just to get away from one man? Martin deserves his spot at number four. Laura does get payback on her husband by shooting him twice in the chest.

Worst Husband Moment: When Martin finds his mother-in-law in the nursing home, he decides he is going to smother her with a pillow. Only because she said her daughter was married to a monster. Does that comment really condone being killed and how can you smother your blind mother-in-law with a pillow? Don’t worry, she doesn’t die.

3. Gregory Anton – Gaslight (1944)

Charles Boyer, who portrayed Gregory Anton, is the second husband on the list to be Oscar-nominated for his work. Gregory marries Paula (Ingrid Bergman), a woman who has been haunted by the death of her aunt years earlier in London. What does great new husband Gregory suggest she do in order for her to overcome her anxieties? Why, move into the very house that her Aunt died in of course. Paula agrees and soon she starts loosing small objects and hearing noises. When a watch that Gregory lost turns up in Paula pocketbook, he accuses her of stealing it–that’s classy. Poor Paula now starts to doubt her own sanity. It turns out that Gregory planted the watch there. Gregory was also hiding the small objects about the house and convincing her she was hearing noises. It turns out that Gregory’s master plan was to drive Paula crazy. Now that is what I call a wonderful husband. Bergman deservedly won the Academy Award that year for her amazing depiction of troubled Paula.

Worst Husband Moment: Gregory tells Paula that he is leaving every night, but instead he sneaks in the house through the attic. He turns down all the gaslights in the house the house so everything gets dim. Paula, since she is all alone and no one else experiences it, thinks that it is all her imagination.

2. Jerome “Jerry” Lundegaard – Fargo (1996)

The third of our Oscar nominated bad husbands is William H. Macy for his creepy performance as Jerry Lundegaard. From the opening scene we get a glimpse of just how wacked out Jerry is. He is sitting in a diner with two criminals, Carl and Gaear (Steve Buscemi and Peter Stormare), informing them of his plan on how he wants them to kidnap his wife Jean (Kristen Rudrud). His hopes are that he can then get the ransom money from his father-in-law and give the criminals $100,000 and keep the rest for himself to pay off his debts. This plan is so insane that even Carl and Gaear are confused by his motives and they tell him to simply ask his wife for the money. Jerry just can’t do that, so he would rather rely in two ex-cons he never met before to carry out his master plan. Needless to say, it all goes wrong, people are dying, and all wackiness ensues. Jerry starts lying to his father-in-law, trying to control the situation, just so he can get his money. When it looks like a legit business deal that Jerry has been working on might work out, he tries to cancel the kidnapping. When he finds out that he can’t stop it, he decides to just go along with it. Meanwhile, Jerry has a teenage son that is absolutely crushed by the disappearance of his mother. Jerry just tells him to keep on telling everyone mom is out of town. Jerry finds no remorse in his actions, and in no way comforts his son. (SPOILER!) Well, Jean is eventually murdered by mad man Gaear, and the police find Jerry hiding out in a motel trying to flee the scene. This all could have been avoided if Jerry just manned up and asked his wife for the money, but what do we expect from the number two bad husband in cinema history.

Worst Husband Moment: When Jerry finds out that Carl murdered Jean’s father, he decides to hide the body in the trunk of his car. This man would do anything to get his hands on the ransom money.

1. Jack Torrance – The Shining (1980)

Jack Nicholson takes the top prize on this list for his portrayal of the ax-wielding maniac husband from the Overlook Hotel. I know a lot of people are going to say that it was not his fault, that he had cabin fever. Really… I have been snowed in before to and I never felt the need to chop my family into bits. Then some might say, well he was possessed by the demons of the hotels past. The thing is, he was a jerk even before he got to the hotel. His loving wife Wendy (Shelly Duvall) looks like she is afraid of her own shadow because she was forced to deal with Jack’s alcoholic past. He even ripped their sons arm out of his socket because he messed up his test papers. So even before we know what makes Jack tick, it is clearly established that he is a bad husband. Jack, as selfish as he is, decides to drag Wendy and son Danny (Danny Lloyd) up to an isolated hotel for the winter just so he can finish writing his novel. Wendy, the good wife that she is, just wants to make him sandwiches and spend some quality time with him. Jack’s loving reply to Wendy’s actions is “When you come in here and you hear me typing, or whether you DON’T hear me typing, or whatever the FUCK you hear me doing; when I’m in here, it means that I am working, THAT means don’t come in. Now, do you think you can handle that?” Jack then tries to find out who beat up their son and when he finds who did it, does he reprimand the lady in room 237, NO- he kisses the witch. Then Jack decides that it is time to destroy the snowmobiles so his family can’t escape, he destroys the radio, and gets an ax to kill his family. Of course, his plan fails and Jack becomes a frozen statue for all to see in the Overlook Hotel’s glorious botanical maze.

Worst Husband Moment: Wendy finds out that Jack has not been writing a novel at all. Remember, that was the main reason he dragged her up to the middle of nowhere. He instead has been writing, “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” over and over again. Jack finds her reading his “novel” and starts to pursue her up the stairs. He then threatens to bash Wendy’s brains in with a baseball bat. At least he calls Wendy the light of his life first.

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