"Evolution" not worth a walk down the block, let alone a 25-hour drive

…so we had 30 hours of driving to do in two days to get from Seattle to Minneapolis.

Well, even if we woud’ve split it up, that’s still a total jackass ‘cuz it ruins both days. All driving, no shows, no fun. So we, the geniuses at Ultimate Fakebook central, drive 25 hours all the way through Washington, Montana, and half of North Dakota to Fargo in one long, terrible non-stop trip. This is good because we arrive at 11 am, go immediately to sleep in a Motel 6, and wake up in the evening ready for a movie!

Our choices were limited, so Nick and Gemini dropped out. Bill and I were left with “Tomb Raider,” “The Fast and the Furious,” and “Evolution.” Pretty grim pickings, indeed. Well, I don’t know how we did it, but we managed to pick the worst of the three, methinks.

This unfunny, unimaginative, lowbrow “Men in Black” rip-off of an excuse for a movie was directed by Ivan Reitman (“Ghostbusters”), and starred two of my favorite actors, David Duchovny and Julianne Moore. How could we lose? I don’t know what happened, but it’s a damn shame.

Every single joke in this film fell flat. That’s something I couldn’t even say about “Saving Silverman,” and I hated that mean-spirited steamer! “Evolution” doesn’t go for nearly the amount of bad taste hijinks as “SS,” it just isn’t funny. In the slightest.

I love Duchovny’s dry wit, but it’s on display very little here. In fact, the mere chuckles I derived from watching this monumental waste of time were probably improvised by Duchovny because they had a slight bit of wittiness to them that the rest of the film was completely devoid of! Scene after scene seems like it’s a premise building up to some big comic payload. Most scenes don’t just slightly miss the laughs mark, they crumble into a pathetic heap just after the starting gun.

I wanted to put “Evolution” out of its misery (or mine, more precisely) by walking out, but something always makes me stay until the closing credits, hoping for a sliver of light at the end of the darkness. After all, you never fully know an artist’s intention unless you see the whole work, right?*

Well, I stayed until the end and it didn’t get any better. 25 hours in the van for this. I want my $6.50 back.

*I saw Kansas’ own misguided do-gooder Republican political moral force in Washington, Sam Brownback, on CNN when “Fight Club” came out in the theaters. He was decrying the huge amount of violence depicted in the movie, saying it disgusted him so much that he had to leave before its conclusion. Because the know-it-all didn’t even stay for the ending, he missed the point of the entire film!

Eric Melin

Eric is the Editor-in-Chief of Scene-Stealers.com, a Rotten Tomatoes-approved critic, and contributor for The Pitch. He’s former President of the KCFCC, and drummer for The Dead Girls, Ultimate Fakebook, and Truck Stop Love . He is also the 2013 Air Guitar World Champion Mean Melin, ranked 4th best of all-time. Eric goes to 11. Follow him at: