’10,000 B.C.’ is a silly, silly movie

by Eric Melin on March 7, 2008

in Print Reviews,Reviews

The choice to have the actors in Mel Gibson’s early-man epics “Apocalypto” and “The Passion of the Christ” speak entirely in dead languages added a kind of hisorical authority to the films, despite the fact that both movies were terribly silly in other ways. So when the booming voice of Omar Sharif (“Doctor Zhivago”) begins to narrate the new action/adventure “10,000 B.C.” in English, it’s easy to forget that this is set (and titled) after an actual historical time period and not set in some fantasy land.

In fact, director Roland Emmerich (“Independence Day,” “The Day After Tomorrow”) does everything in his power to remind us that we are watching a fantasy film, taking little bits from every sword-and-sandal epic of the last fifteen years. If the hunter-and-gatherer tribes of “10,000 B.C.” hadn’t seen “Gladiator” or “The Lord of the Rings” for example, how else would they know when it was time for their leader to make a speech before going into battle? And how would they know when the proper moment was to bang their spears into the ground in sync and cheer?

It stretches credulity enough to have all the dialogue of prehistoric man to be English (except the bad guys, who are subtitled) come straight from the modern Hollywood cliché playbook, but it’s truly amazing how you could plug any number of already-produced films into the time period of 10,000 B.C. and—whala!—you have a new movie called “10,000 B.C.” Yes, I’m going so far as to suggest that that’s exactly how this movie got made in the first place. The pitch probably went something like this:

“It’s like ‘Braveheart,’ except with more CGI. There’s woolly mammoths, sabre-toothed cats, and giant flightless birds—and it’s PG-13—you know, for kids!”

Just some random thoughts about “10,000 B.C.”:

When handsome young tribesman D’Leh (Steven Strait) tells the beautiful, blue-eyed Evolet (Camilla Belle) that he will always keep her in his heart, did he unknowingly just invent that colloquialism?

Did D’Leh pioneer the concept of religious tolerance by uniting all the mountain tribes and their various legends and belief systems against one common foe?

Could old women actually breathe life into the dead by giving their own breath telepathically over thousands of miles?

So it is obvious that “10,000 B.C.” is not trying to recreate any semblance of what it was like to be alive back then. It merely plops a prototypical modern warrior storyline into this setting and pans out exactly how you’d expect it to. Without a Mel Gibson or a Russell Crowe (or a halfway decent script) to carry the film, however, even as a silly fantasy epic, it’s pretty damn silly.

Let’s conclude with special effects, since that’s what most people will be going to see this film for. And, frankly, I’m bored trying to make this obvious argument any longer.

I can certainly appreciate the realistic way that mammoths and terror birds were rendered in “10,000 B.C.” The CGI effects artists did a fine job. One chase scene looks like it was rushed a bit. Maybe that was becuase of the film’s rumored $75 million budget. Either way, the effects look good, but there is little or no excitement to the actual scenes themselves. The way they were shot has something to do with it, but mostly the story is so vapid that it doesn’t matter what happens to any of the characters in these scenes anyway. Eye candy for eye candy’s sake. A fifteen-minute VFX reel would have accomplished the same thing.

In the end, making prehistoric people talk and behave just like modern people in a 10,000 B.C. setting does nobody any favors. The actors look silly, the their costumes are silly, the settings are silly, and the whole movie is pretty unintentionally funny. If Graham Chapman from Monty Python were still alive, he’d be liable to walk into any theater showing this movie and stop the projector at will because it is getting far too silly.

Eric is the Editor-in-Chief of Scene-Stealers.com and writes the Screen Stealers column for The Pitch. He’s President of the KCFCC, and drummer for The Dead Girls and Ultimate Fakebook. He is also Air Guitar World Champion Mean Melin. Eric goes to 11. Follow him at:

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{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Josh March 7, 2008 at 10:50 am

i guess it’s a good thing i didn’t make it in time… shucks. honestly, i didn’t really expect the academy to be tripping all over themselves for a movie that was put together by “the people who brought you” Godzilla, and The Day After Tomorrow. i was only going because it was free. =)
thanks again guys.

Reply

2 Josh March 7, 2008 at 10:50 am

i guess it’s a good thing i didn’t make it in time… shucks. honestly, i didn’t really expect the academy to be tripping all over themselves for a movie that was put together by “the people who brought you” Godzilla, and The Day After Tomorrow. i was only going because it was free. =)
thanks again guys.

Reply

3 Mare P. March 14, 2008 at 11:06 pm

Please read a little bit up on your history before you decide to comment on this movie….
This movie was an excellent example of many theories that are out there of where the pyramids came from, the
theory of how seeds come moved from place to place. The costumes/props used were about as accurate as they could be from what they found in the Alpine Region. Its safe to assume that many others used similar things as well.
Good Movie PERIOD.I

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4 Mare P. March 14, 2008 at 11:06 pm

Please read a little bit up on your history before you decide to comment on this movie….
This movie was an excellent example of many theories that are out there of where the pyramids came from, the
theory of how seeds come moved from place to place. The costumes/props used were about as accurate as they could be from what they found in the Alpine Region. Its safe to assume that many others used similar things as well.
Good Movie PERIOD.I

Reply

5 Eric Melin March 15, 2008 at 1:58 am

Mare P.-
That is all interesting to note, but I’m not panning the movie because of pyramid theories. I’m poking fun at the decision to use all the cliches and tropes of modern people and then just stick them in prehistoric garb. However the historical theories you’ve mentioned play into it, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s a terribly silly film.

Reply

6 Eric Melin March 15, 2008 at 1:58 am

Mare P.-
That is all interesting to note, but I’m not panning the movie because of pyramid theories. I’m poking fun at the decision to use all the cliches and tropes of modern people and then just stick them in prehistoric garb. However the historical theories you’ve mentioned play into it, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s a terribly silly film.

Reply

7 Jeff March 15, 2008 at 9:41 am

And how many films that come out of Hollywood are Not terribly silly?

Hollywood has a very poor record of doing realistic historical pieces when it come to big budget action films. And that’s for eras that they have copious historical records to draw from.

Reply

8 Jeff March 15, 2008 at 9:41 am

And how many films that come out of Hollywood are Not terribly silly?

Hollywood has a very poor record of doing realistic historical pieces when it come to big budget action films. And that’s for eras that they have copious historical records to draw from.

Reply

9 ChrisKnudsen March 24, 2008 at 12:49 am

Jeff,

I understand that you were an Eraserhead shirt on dates. Is this true?

xo,
Chris Knudsen

Reply

10 ChrisKnudsen March 24, 2008 at 12:49 am

Jeff,

I understand that you were an Eraserhead shirt on dates. Is this true?

xo,
Chris Knudsen

Reply

11 Stephen March 28, 2008 at 2:08 am

Eric, you are absolutely right about this movie being “far too silly”.

The big problem with this movie is that they were trying really hard not to be silly. All the silliness comes from them taking themselves far too seriously. As Mare P said up there in post #2, they went for as much “accuracy” as they could – but the story was just a bit ridiculous.

If they had consciously decided to be ridiculous, the movie would have been a whole lot better. If their hero had He-Manned into the final battle on the back of that saber-toothed tiger, that would have been cool. Good cheese, not the bad cheese they settled for. If Mr Emmerich ever figured that out, the world would be a better place.

Reply

12 Stephen March 28, 2008 at 2:08 am

Eric, you are absolutely right about this movie being “far too silly”.

The big problem with this movie is that they were trying really hard not to be silly. All the silliness comes from them taking themselves far too seriously. As Mare P said up there in post #2, they went for as much “accuracy” as they could – but the story was just a bit ridiculous.

If they had consciously decided to be ridiculous, the movie would have been a whole lot better. If their hero had He-Manned into the final battle on the back of that saber-toothed tiger, that would have been cool. Good cheese, not the bad cheese they settled for. If Mr Emmerich ever figured that out, the world would be a better place.

Reply

13 Darth Stevo June 30, 2008 at 8:48 pm

Here here … the theories may play out (the animals don’t — mammoths were only 10 ft. tall, and terror birds in the old world date from millions of years ago), but the attempt to make a historical epic just gets, well, silly. Scorpion King was no less accurate, in geographical terms, but at least that attempt was honest about being fantastical. Jeez, even Conan is more believable.

Reply

14 Darth Stevo June 30, 2008 at 8:48 pm

Here here … the theories may play out (the animals don’t — mammoths were only 10 ft. tall, and terror birds in the old world date from millions of years ago), but the attempt to make a historical epic just gets, well, silly. Scorpion King was no less accurate, in geographical terms, but at least that attempt was honest about being fantastical. Jeez, even Conan is more believable.

Reply

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